Charlotte's Web
by GrimmZ
Summary: REPOST:Nabiki finds out Ryoga is P-Chan and decides to use him for her own purposes, but what are those? Akane thinks the two are in love, and things get weird! (RaAk&RyNa Lemon) FIN
1. Nabiki Learns a Secret!

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2, but you already knew that. I own my idea for a fiction.  
But this story is rated R, if anyone's parents catch him or her reading it the author is not responsible.  
This story should contain little to no profanities, however it contains adult content, scenes and a few adult jokes. Why bother swearing when you're going to put in tasteless humor?  
This story contains no real person(s), characters not from Ranma ½ are originals, Han Lo-Chun, Mercedes, the Harumes, and the Chainsaw are all mine, Phil Satyr is an original character by JFalcon, Phil is not a real person. He is used in this story with *permission* thank you very much.   
  
A/N: This is the Revised Version of this story, it's not young, it's a re-post. Why did I take it down just to revise it? Well I didn't, Admin did that for me without ever telling me they'd done it. While I'm not sure why, I've still made some changes to it that I hope will prevent such a thing from happening again. Major changes is that the story now has the proper 30 chapters, instead of 33 due to lemon chapters. Rather than have a chapters A and B we have just one chapter. More on that at Chapter 6.  
Some spelling errors were fixed, some new ones were added to make sure you're paying attention ^_^  
A couple scenes (especially in the former pure/lemon chapters) have been extended. Some things have been changed, but beyond that it's the same old Charlotte's Web you know and didn't entirely loathe  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter One  
Nabiki Learns a Secret!  
  
It is nighttime, the cast and crew of Ranma 1/2 are currently out of the house, Ranma and Akane are at Ukyo's place, Soun and Genma signed up for the "Lock in" at the beer factory, Kasumi is at the 24-Hour Grocery Store getting extra supplies.  
Yes, the Tendo house is completely empty except for Nabiki.  
Unfortunately a squealing black piglet doesn't know just how little Nabiki actually cares for it's safety, and runs for the Tendo house (mostly through blind fear and dumb luck it makes the right turns and such) hoping to be rescued by it's loving mistress Akane.  
  
The black pig burst through open doors of the Tendo home, squealing its head off and running for dear life.  
Ryoga/P-Chan ran through the halls of the enormous house-for a pig it was gigantic-lost as usual. "Must find Akane's room!" he thought to himself.  
Running very quickly and not stopping, Ryoga soon found a door! Oh happiness abounds! A door!  
From not far away he heard barking. It was that evil dog! The horror this poor piglet had seen in the maw of that beast before he'd managed to get out by biting down on the dog's tongue. Ryoga had been minding his own business trying to figure out which way Akane's house was when a huge German Shepherd showed up. The dog had been friendly enough until some old lady splashed Ryoga with water, turning him into a small black pig. To the dog, that small black pig was a small black snack! But that was all a memory, Akane would protect him! Hurrah!  
He slammed into the door, it was closed!  
'Now that's the sort of thing a guy should notice sooner.' Ryoga thought.  
As he wobbled around, he saw another door! This one was open! It was open just a crack, but that was enough! Safety! If his bad sense of direction counted for anything than surely THIS would be Akane's room since it was his second choice and the other would be the wrong room!  
And so Ryoga soon found himself cornered in a broom closet.  
  
Nabiki heard the insistent barking, and couldn't stand to hear anymore! She groaned and got out of bed. She opened her door (not the one Ryoga hit, that was Akane's door if you're curious) she saw a huge dog of unknown-actually she just didn't care-breed clawing at the closet.  
"Hey! Who let you in here!?" She demanded, pointing an angry finger at the large dog.  
Almost immediately a small black . . . thing . . . shot like a bullet from the closet and into her room. The dog turned on its heels and charged right after its prey.  
"Nuh-ah! I know you didn't just run into *my* room!" Nabiki cried. She turned on her own heels and leapt towards the dog, utterly missing and landing on her face.  
The dog was yipping its head off and Nabiki Tendo had heard just about enough of it. She got up, and grabbed the dog by the collar and pulled it out of her room, closing the door behind her. "Let some one else worry about that thing." She said to herself. "Just look at my room!" Her desk with it's organized papers and various books and moneymaking contracts was a wreck, and, though she'd done it herself in her rush to get up, the sheets on her bed were messy!  
Nabiki sighed and shook her head. "Not much to do, but clean up." She went to work. Amazingly, the only thing on her desk not broken or messed up was a cup of hot chocolate at the edge, this amazed her.  
But as she reached for a pile of papers, on top of which was an envelope with the latest pictures of Ranko (Female Ranma for those who don't know), which she was hoping to sell to Kuno tomorrow, she heard a shocked squeal, and then P-Chan appeared.  
"What are you doing in here?" Nabiki asked the small black piglet. But P-Chan shot from under the pile of papers and ran off the side of the desk, taking the cup of hot chocolate with him!  
Nabiki blinked for a moment, but when she opened her eyes there was no pig. There was instead a very naked Ryoga. All he was wearing was that ridiculous bandana of his!  
"What exactly do you think you're doing in my room . . . undressed?" Nabiki asked with a sigh.  
"I was eh . . . looking for Akane!"  
Nabiki glared at him. "You're wondering around naked, looking for my little sister?" She shook her head. "Hold on just a minute okay?" She reached into her desk drawer, and pulled out a camera. She quickly snapped a few photos of Ryoga then skillfully removed the film and put the camera back into it's drawer. As she expected Ryoga lunged for the drawer and removed the camera.  
"It didn't have any film." Nabiki lied. "I was just teasing you." She said innocently.  
"I wasn't naked five minutes ago! It was that dog! That wicked dog!" Ryoga protested.  
"Eh . . . yeah . . . y'know I wasn't going to care," Nabiki said, "but now I have to ask: Why is that dog the cause of your nudity?" She looked around the room. "And have you seen P-Chan?"  
"Uh . . . those are both good questions, and I'm afraid I cant answer them, bye now!" Ryoga opened the door and tried to run off, but the dog began to bark, and Ryoga quickly came back in, closing the door behind him and muttering something about not ending up like Ranma.  
Nabiki laughed at the poor kid, but slowly her laughter became sinister. "I can loan you some of my cloths . . . for the small price of 2000 yen!"  
"I don't have any money with me!" Ryoga cried. "And I won't wear women's clothing!"  
"Just the once eh?" Nabiki grinned.  
"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about." Ryoga argued.  
"Sure you don't." Nabiki smiled. "Well I could get you some of Ranma's cloths, but that'll cost 4000 yen."  
"How can you ask for money! Can't you do it as a favor?" Ryoga pleaded.  
"Well then as a favor, I'll drop the price of Ranma's cloths to 3500 yen."  
"Nothing that Ranma has worn or even touched is worth that much money!" Ryoga cried, a bit too dramatically.  
"Then good luck with the Dalmatian." Nabiki said as she pushed Ryoga towards the door.  
"No! No! No! I'll pay! I'll pay!" Ryoga cried.  
"Heh. Alright then." Nabiki smiled sweetly. "Money first!"  
"Thirty five?" Ryoga asked.  
"Fifty."  
"I don't have that sort of cash!"  
"Okay . . ." Nabiki sighed. "Thirty five."  
Ryoga reached into his bandana and pulled out some money and handed it to Nabiki who pocketed it right away. Nabiki was about to bow, but thought better of it. She turned towards the door and walked out.  
  
Ryoga felt extremely uncomfortable, being naked in a girl's room. He was pretty sure he wasn't supposed to feel uncomfortable about that . . . maybe it was this particular girl's room. But then again, he was relieved to know he'd at least made it to the right house. Surely it was a sign from god!  
There was quite a bit of barking, then finally Nabiki came back, opening the door just enough to slide through quickly. She tossed Ryoga a pair of pants.  
"Three thousand five hundred yen and I don't even get a shirt?" Ryoga said angrily.  
"A guy with muscles like yours should show 'em off, don't you think? You really want a shirt?" Nabiki asked. "Another two thousand then."  
"But I'm broke!" Ryoga cried.   
"Well in that case, be grateful. Oh yeah, Akane isn't here, neither is Ranma, so on your way out, take your new pet with you. If it's eaten P-Chan and Akane finds out I'll never hear the end of it, I'll blame it on you."  
"Uh . . ." Ryoga looked around at Nabiki's demolished room. "Do you need a hand cleaning up first?" After all, this was his doing . . . sorta.  
"You're afraid of that dog!" Nabiki accused.  
"Ah . . . no?" Ryoga said simply. 'I'm afraid of being outdoors if it rains and that dog is still following me!' he thought.  
  
The German Shepherd was really bored. He paced back and forth, and growled. He knew that little pig was in there somewhere! He just had to get to it!  
  
Nabiki smiled as she watched the shirtless Ryoga work to clean her room. She didn't really have much to clean, and Ryoga was pretty good at getting the job done.  
And he was hot. Now that she thought about it, Ryoga really was the sweetest out of Ranma's little friends, he was polite, and honorable, and what's that word? Chivalrous?  
Well, whatever. He was polite and honorable and that sort of thing. Nabiki wouldn't go so far as to say she liked him the best, but she did think he was sweet, and certainly his gulability made him much more fun than Ukyo, or Mousse. What with the way he chased Akane around like a sick puppy, but never actually worked up the guts to tell her how he felt. Nabiki suddenly thought of something wonderful!  
Oh what a nice person she was! Maybe she had a shot at heaven after all! "Hey, Ryoga. You *like* Akane right?"  
"What? I don't know what you're talking about." Ryoga said, dropping the stack of papers he'd picked up.  
"No need to be shy about it, I'll keep your secret. In fact, I can help you win her heart."  
"Really?" Ryoga asked with interest.  
"Yep. But it'll cost you. How's 3000 yen sound to you?"  
"I only have five hundred left." Ryoga said in disappointment.  
Nabiki frowned. Five hundred was five hundred, and she was always interested in having a fatter pocket. "Five hundred eh? Well I'll help you out anyway, but your going to have to work off the debt." Nabiki flashed Ryoga a sweet smile. "It'll be hard work, but my little sister will be all yours you big hunk of man you."  
Ryoga nodded vigorously. "Okay! Okay! It's a deal, what do I have to do? To win her heart I mean!"  
Nabiki fished out a contract from the mess on the floor. She made a few adjustments to it, one of which was changing the name "Kuno" to "Ryoga" then presented it to Ryoga, she made sure to snatch it away before he had time to finish reading it. "Fork over the five, and sign the dotted line." She said calmly.  
"Okay!" Ryoga said, he handed Nabiki the money, then signed. "So what do I have to do?"  
"It's simple . . ." Nabiki said, but then she paused. What exactly should she tell him? For five hundred yen and manual labor he deserved at least a half truth, but she was feeling generous tonight. "Okay, first you have to write her a love letter, but sign it from Ranma, then when she tries to get all romantic with Ranma and he says he doesnt know what she's talking about it breaks her heart and you swoop in and pick up the pieces."  
Ryoga was silent for a moment, then he frowned. "Is that it? Is that all? I have to make Ranma look bad and lie to Akane? I only like half of that plan!"  
"I didn't say you'd like it, I said it'd work." Nabiki shrugged. "Now help me out, I think I see P-Chan under the bed." Nabiki reached under the bed for the small black thing. Ryoga lifted the bed off the ground all together and did it effortlessly. Nabiki was used to seeing such unintentional shows of strength from Ryoga, and she frowned when she saw her target was just a dirty shirt.  
"I think P-Chan must have run outside." Ryoga said.   
"What makes you say that?" Nabiki questioned.  
Ryoga smiled wryly. "Because . . . uh . . . he isn't in here."  
Nabiki nodded. "You're logic is so simple. Okay, . . ." she frowned and had a strange thought.  
"Uh, say Ryoga, how exactly did you get into my room in the first place? And why were you naked?"  
"I uh . . . I already told you, I was looking for Akane."  
"Naked?"  
"Yes . . . I mean no! Oh!" Ryoga groaned. He sighed and shook his head. "The Uh . . . the dog jumped on me and tore my cloths off! Yeah!"  
"Attempted rape by a dog eh?" Nabiki shook her head. "Funny stuff Ryoga-baby. Couldn't you just knock it off you? You lifted that bed easily."  
"I uh . . . didn't want to hurt the poor thing?" Ryoga tried.  
Nabiki grinned. "Really . . . well in that case," she said "Lets test that theory."  
"Huh?" Ryoga asked, but Nabiki opened the door and strolled leisurely out.  
Nabiki closed the door behind her. The large dog came up to her and licked her hand. "That's no good, you're not so fierce after all, are you?" She shook her head. "Well, roll over." The dog did so. "Beg." The dog complied. "Now, let's try . . . speak!"  
There was barking, and yelping and all sorts of funny noises. Ryoga lamented letting Nabiki venture out alone, for whatever strange reason she had. He paced for a mere two seconds before dashing for the door. 'A brave girl, foolish though she may be, I have to save her!' He thought.  
Ryoga broke the door into splinters as he crashed through it, the dog immediately turned on him and growled, then looked at him confused and sat, playfully barking.  
"Mad dog! He's rabid" Nabiki mocked.   
"Uh . . . he'll turn on you at any given moment!" Ryoga tried. He wasn't sure why Nabiki wasn't bloody and in pieces on the floor.   
She gave him an appraising look, as if she were trying to figure something out. Did she suspect something? Well Ryoga had to grant he'd be pretty curious too if she had ended up in his room naked with a German Shepherd on the other side of his door. He might not actually *mind* if she ended up naked in his room, but he'd definitely be curious.  
Nabiki shook her head. "Just look at my door Ryoga. Look at it!"  
"Uh . . . well if I had any money left I'd fix it." Ryoga said helplessly.  
Nabiki grinned and patted him gently on the shoulder. "No worries Ryoga-baby. Remember that 'working off the debt' I spoke of? Consider fixing the door your first odd job."  
"Oh happiness abounds." Ryoga sighed. 'At least that dog isn't chasing me now.' He thought to himself. 'What a nice doggy he is, now that I think about it, who wouldn't want to chase P-Chan, after all I'm so cute in my piglet form!'  
Nabiki walked off for the kitchen, "I'm off for a mid-night snack. I want to see at least *some* progress when I get back."  
Ryoga looked at the dog. "What a love-hate relationship we've worked up. When I'm human you can't stop licking my hand, when I transform you want me dead. Kind of like Ranma and Shampoo I guess." He frowned. "Hey, Nabiki? Did you say something?" She didn't answer, she was gone. "Now's my chance! My chance to escape before Nabiki Tendo learns to much and tells Akane!"  
The dog barked in agreement. But Ryoga frowned when he looked at the smashed door.  
It, like Nabiki's room was sort of his fault. He couldn't just run off, especially after she went and gave him that plan for winning Akane's heart. After all, from what he'd learned of Nabiki through observation thus far, Ryoga knew her plans never backfired, and since this was her plan, surely it wouldn't backfire!  
"Well, I guess I should clean up this door, and *then* escape. I don't have any tools though . . ."  
The dog barked again in agreement, for indeed he Ryoga had no tools.  
  
Nabiki paced back and forth in the kitchen as she waited for the water to warm for her hot chocolate. She was very curious now, how had Ryoga gotten into her room? Sure he was a martial arts master and all, but Nabiki was certain he couldn't have gotten there without her noticing, she knew a thing or two about martial arts herself, it's hard to grow up in the Tendo family and not learn *something*.  
And where was P-Chan? She didn't really care too much about Akane's pig, but something told her P-Chan's disappearance and Ryoga's appearing out of thin air were connected. Then it struck her.  
P-Chan had knocked over her hot chocolate, and then disappeared to be replaced by Ryoga! If Ranma and his dad changed when hit with water then maybe, just maybe Ryoga . . .  
No. No, the theory needed testing first. But if she was right . . . oh the power she would have over that boy! She poured a glass of cold water. She'd walk out there, and trip and splash him with water! "A crude but efficient plan." She said to herself.  
  
Ryoga had found some tools and equipment, but repairing the door didn't come easy. It was a pile of splinters mostly.  
Nabiki returned and smiled. "Working hard boys?" She asked. The dog barked in response.  
Nabiki held two things in her hands. One was a clear glass of water, the other was a mug of some steamy substance. Ryoga paid little attention as he worked to get a splinter out of his hand.  
As Nabiki walked towards him, she said "I got you a nice cold glass of water Ryoga, I'm sure you'll have my door fixed in-oops!" She tripped, poor clumsy girl. Ryoga moved quickly and caught her in his arms before she could land on the pile of splinters.  
"You okay?" He asked.  
"Yes." Nabiki said. "Thanks." She added as she splashed the glass of water in his face.  
  
Nabiki fell and hit her head, luckily she landed on something soft. P-Chan!  
"I knew it! Or, at least I thought so!" Nabiki cried in triumph. The dog went nuts, and started barking. Nabiki grabbed the squealing piglet and raised it into the air. "Down boy!" She commanded the dog, which obediently sat, but continued it's barking.  
"You never shut up, huh?" Nabiki sighed. She grinned, and turned her attention to P-Chan. She wasn't sure if it was really possible for a piglet to look angry beyond comprehension, but P-Chan certainly pulled it off. She gently splashed some of her hot chocolate on P-Chan's head. The angry pig became an angry boy and was suddenly too large for Nabiki to hold, and she dropped him . . . right in front of the dog.   
The dog lunged for Ryoga, but stopped, looked at him, then shook itself. It barked one last time, as if to say "You humans are too strange for me" then turned and walked towards the door. Nabiki tossed Ryoga the pair of pants she had "borrowed" from Ranma, and followed the dog, closing the doors to the Tendo house securely behind it.  
She returned to Ryoga, who was sitting, looking at the floor dejectedly. "So you've finally figured it out." He said. "I guess now you'll tell Akane."  
"Why would I do that?" Nabiki asked with a smile. "It's useful information, yes, but hardly the sort of thing Akane would need to know. And if she doesn't ask, I won't tell."  
Ryoga looked up at her with stars in his eyes. "You won't tell? Really? You are a queen among women-second only to Akane herself! You are a saint in wolf's clothing!"  
"Oh shut up." Nabiki growled. "I didn't say you were off the hook." She laughed wickedly. "Just because I'm not going to tell Akane, doesn't mean I approve of you pretending to be her pet. Oh no Ryoga-baby you have some explaining to do."   
  
To be continued . . .   
  
Next Chapter . . .  
"Here they come. Go on, issue your challenge to Ranma, and no funny business." Nabiki said as she stood leaning against the wall next to Ryoga.  
Ryoga nodded. "Okay, but what do you mean by 'Funny Business'?" He asked.  
"Just do it." Nabiki said quietly. "Or do you want Kuno to beat you to it?" Nabiki asked, pointing to Tatewaki "Blue Thunder" Kuno who was already running towards Ranma.  
"I wouldn't be opposed to him softening up Ranma for me." Ryoga said. Nabiki glared at him, and he bowed slightly. "But then what fun would that be? Okay, I'm off." He said.  
Nabiki waited a few moments for Ryoga to cut off Kuno, and then challenge Ranma.  
"I, Ryoga Hibiki challenge you, Ranma Saotome!" 


	2. All is fair in Love, War, and Blackmail!

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2, but you already knew that. I own my stupid idea for a fic. But this fic is rated R, if anyone's parents catch him or her reading it the author (that's me) is not responsible. I also don't own Super Smash Brothers but it was my idea to use it as the name of an attack in this story.  
  
Grimm: This fic IS rated R for a reason.  
Nabiki: What's that reason again?  
Ryoga: It seems PG-13ish to me.  
Grimm: Shut up your mouths! Anyway kids there will come a point where your gonna have to stop reading or I'll get in trouble.  
Ryoga: Now the kids will want to read it even more.  
Ranma: Like they care if YOU get in trouble.  
Grimm: . . . blast it!  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 2  
All is fair in love, war, and blackmail!  
  
Setting: Nabiki has just discovered that Ryoga is P-Chan. Can you say "Opportunity"? Good, I knew you could.   
The rest of the Tendo household is still off doing their thing, but Akane is on her way home, having had a trademark agrument with Ranma. Can Ryoga make a deal with Nabiki before Akane walks through the door and sees him dressed only in an old pair of Ranma's pants? What would she think if she saw him like that?  
  
"You cant tell Akane, I'm begging you!" Ryoga cried. "It wasn't like I asked to be her pet!"  
"You didn't really put up a fight though . . ."  
"You wouldnt understand . . ." Ryoga sighed.  
"Don't worry, sweetie," Nabiki grinned. "I can keep a secret. For a price."  
"But I'm broke." Ryoga sighed.  
Nabiki gave him a "sympathetic" pat on the back. "There there Ryoga-baby, I feel your pain. I tell you what, I'll make you a deal. You be my slave for a week, not counting the time and labor you already owe me for those pants. After that I swear on my honor not to ever tell Akane that you are in fact her beloved P-Chan."  
"Why do you need a slave?" Ryoga asked.  
"Lets just say the next few weeks are looking pretty gray for me as far as manual labor goes." Nabiki shuddered as she thought of their spring-cleaning. Sure, Kasumi would do a lot of the work, and Akane and father would do their share, but there always seemed to be SOMETHING left over for poor Nabiki. But blackmailing Ryoga would really work to her benefit. It was really amazing how things just seemed to go her way.  
"Well I guess." Ryoga said.  
"A wise decision. Don't worry, working for me wont be a problem for you at all, considering how strong you are." Nabiki teased. "And you'll have plenty of time to spend with Akane. Just don't try and go piglet on me to get out of doing your work."  
"You mean 'your' work." Ryoga frowned.  
Nabiki laughed sinisterly. She fished into her pocket and pulled out a small rumpled up piece of paper. Another contract, which she promptly had Ryoga sign.  
"Where did you get that? Why was it all ready and stuff?"  
"I'm a very resourceful young woman." Nabiki sighed.  
"I can see that." Ryoga said, shaking his head.  
"I'm home!" Akane shouted. "And I found this adorable doggy outside!"  
"Well, wouldn't you say you're out of character Ryoga-baby?" Nabiki asked.  
"I'm what?" Ryoga questioned, but as he turned to face her, Nabiki splashed him with cold water.  
"Where did you get---sqee!" P-Chan was P-Chan and Ryoga was gone.   
That dog came running down the hall, barking like a maniac. P-Chan went running between the dog's legs and jumped into Akane's waiting arms.  
The dog didn't stop moving, and barreled right into Nabiki. "Aaahhh! I'm starting to hate this mutt! Gerroff me! Gerroff!"  
"You know this dog?" Akane asked. "That's great! I was so worried when I saw it outside, I thought it was lost. Uh . . . Nabiki, what happened to your door?"  
Nabiki glared at the dog, which glared right back at her. There was a moment of silence, then the dog leapt at Nabiki and started humping her leg.  
"Eeew!" Nabiki cried.  
"He just likes you, that's all." Akane said happily. "But seriously, what happened to your door?"  
"He likes me too much!" Nabiki scowled. She grabbed the dog by the collar, and dragged it to the door, and threw it out. There was a surprised yelp as the dog landed on a big soft panda.  
Through it all P-Chan had a strange amused smile on his face.  
  
The next day Nabiki snuck into the kitchen and stole a pot of boiling water from Kasumi. She then snuck into Akane's room with a nice pot of boiling hot water. "Rise and shine piggy!" She snickered as she grabbed Ryoga and threw him in the pot. Akane slept like a log through the entire experience, but Ryoga, still half asleep believed he was on fire, and attempted to stop, drop, and roll. He rolled around on the floor until Nabiki poured the rest of the hot water on him, and tossed him his normal cloths (He was wearing Ranma's, remember?)  
"Rise and shine my friend. We, or should I say *you* have a lot to do today." Nabiki led him out of Akane's room and showed his the various tasks he'd have to do. "Oh, and one more thing. While I'm at school, you think you're going to be off doing . . . what ever it is you do. Well not today. Today I want you to go to school with me, and then wait for me until school is over."  
"What? Why?" Ryoga demanded. "And how did you get a change of my own cloths?"  
"Because you're my slave, and because I am not going to carry my books myself, and because if you start a fight with Ranma-and you will-I get to pool the bets."  
Ryoga sighed, and went to work on Nabiki's various chores. Nabiki on the other hand, went to her room (her door was still broken apart) and went back to sleep.  
  
Ryoga had barely slept at all last night, every time he closed his eyes, he envisioned that dog, that evil dog trying to eat him! As he did Nabiki's work for her, he could barely stay awake, and now as he carried her books to school for her his lack of a sense of direction coupled with his exhaustion caused him to walk out into the road several times.  
Eventually Nabiki ended up holding his hand as if he were an infant . . . strangely he didn't mind it at all.  
When they finally arrived at the school, he fell asleep against the wall, Nabiki was telling him something about challenging Ranma when he saw him and then losing, but Ryoga was far to sleepy to pay attention. Reflecting on it he decided he should have at least nodded every now and then because once he started to snore Nabiki kicked him in the shin, that woke him up just fine.  
"Ouch!" Ryoga groaned.  
"It's no good to nap during the day, you can sleep later." Nabiki scolded with an even tone.  
"Yeah, but did you have to kick me?"  
"I could have splashed you with cold water, but that'd bring up too many questions." Nabiki said with a wink. Ryoga forced himself to smile back, but really he was already falling asleep again.  
"Hey!" Nabiki said. "Wake up!" She began slapping him back and forth.  
"Way to go Nabiki, put that lower classman in his place! Jeez, you're acting like your little sister!" One of the seniors said as she passed.  
Nabiki paid her no heed, but Ryoga had a strange urge to pull a bag over his head. Lower classman? He didn't even go to this school! He didn't even wear the uniform!  
"Listen up!" Nabiki whispered harshly. "I'm strapped for cash today, I want you to fight Ranma and try to win at first."  
"At first?" Ryoga asked.  
"Well give everyone reason to bet on you. Then when I'm ready I'll give you the signal and you let Ranma beat you with one blow!"  
"Not on your life!" Ryoga cried. "I have my honor if nothing else!"  
"What good is your honor when Akane hates you Ryoga-baby?" Nabiki said with a falsely sweet smile.  
"Uh . . . worth much less I agree, but I simply can't throw the fight!"  
"How about if I cut you in for ten percent of our winnings?" Nabiki asked.  
"Winnings? You mean losings. No, I won't purposely lose to Ranma, I'm sorry."  
Nabiki looked around. "He'll be here any minute . . . with Akane. You have to make a choice, if you fail I just might let it slip that you're really P-Chan."  
Ryoga frowned. "You're terrible, do you know that?"  
"What a hurtful thing to say . . . and here I was only trying to make a little money, I would have shared it with you!" Nabiki lowered her head and began to cry.  
"I-eh I didn't mean that! You're not terrible, you're uh . . . just really sinister!"  
"Fair enough." Nabiki said simply. It seemed she was cured of her sorrow in an instant. "So when I give the signal you'll lose?"  
Ryoga had to consider this for a moment. "I might do it . . . if I get sixty percent of *our* losings."  
"Excuse me?!" Nabiki choked, "You may want sixty . . . and yet you only get thirty . . ."  
"Forty." Ryoga said.  
"Twenty." Nabiki snarled.  
"Thirty!" Ryoga said, wondering why he was suddenly losing this argument.  
"Twenty five." Nabiki said simply. "Or I walk."  
"Done! Wait! I'm the one who walks!" Ryoga sighed. "So what's the signal?"  
"When I shout 'Is that a duck!?' you let Ranma hit you and pretend you're out cold."  
"Does it have to be so stupid?"  
"It subtracts from the suspicion that it was a fixed fight." Nabiki informed him.  
"Like fun it does." Ryoga sighed. "Okay fine, but if I beat Ranma before you shout that . . ."  
"You better not, if you do I'll turn you into a pig--in front of Akane if I have too--and carry you around with me all day, and I have science class today!"  
"Is that supposed to bother me more than the general idea of being revealed before Akane?" Ryoga said. "I was a bit of a science whiz myself you know."  
Nabiki chuckled, and patted him on the shoulder, "Yeah right. Like fun you were." Nabiki said, mimicking Ryoga's early substitute for hell. "Don't you know what happens to little pigs in a science class?"  
"Umm . . . no not really." Ryoga shrugged.  
"We cut em up!" Nabiki snickered.  
"Okay . . . I see your logic and I promise I will lose with all my might." Ryoga said calmly.  
  
Ranma and Akane showed up no more than five minutes later. Ukyo was with them, but what surprised Ryoga was that Shampoo was clinging to Ranma's arm, oblivious to her love's attempts to get her off.  
"Here they come. Go on, issue your challenge to Ranma, and no funny business." Nabiki said as she stood leaning against the wall next to Ryoga.  
Ryoga nodded. "Okay, but what do you mean by 'Funny Business'?" He asked.  
"Just do it." Nabiki said quietly. "Or do you want Kuno to beat you to it?" Nabiki asked, pointing to Tatewaki "Blue Thunder" Kuno who was already running towards Ranma.  
"I wouldn't be opposed to him softening up Ranma for me." Ryoga said. Nabiki glared at him, and he bowed slightly. "But then what fun would that be? Okay, I'm off." He said.  
Nabiki waited a few moments for Ryoga to cut off Kuno, and then challenge Ranma.  
"I, Ryoga Hibiki challenge you, Ranma Saotome!" Ryoga cried, Nabiki noticed that his words were almost half hearted.  
"What? C'mon Ryoga, it ain't bad enough I got Shampoo hanging on for dear life, d'ya really have to bother me this morning too?" Ranma asked.  
"Were going to be late for class if you two fight!" Akane said impatiently.  
"I eh . . . I'm sorry Akane but I have to challenge Ranma!" Ryoga said.  
'Mention one word about me and I'll pound you into the ground.' Nabiki thought. 'After I turn you into a pig that is.' Not even in her fantasies would she try to pound Ryoga into *anything* unless she had some grossly unfair advantage over him.  
"Okay then!" Ranma said. "If that's how you want it, I'll take you on!"  
"And once you've defeated this one!" Kuno cried, "You can face me Ranma Saotome!"  
"He won't defeat me!" Ryoga scoffed. Silently Nabiki applauded Ryoga for at least trying to act.  
The two said something, then leapt into the air, people started crowding around, Nabiki wasted no time mingling with the crowd.  
  
"I will defeat you today Ranma Saotome!" Ryoga said.  
"I'm shakin' in my boots." Ranma scoffed. He leapt into the air, and Ryoga followed him. They traded blows for a few seconds as gravity tried to reclaim them, but Ryoga got his legs on Ranma's shoulders and used Ranma to jump into the air again, sending Ranma to the ground even faster.  
Ranma landed on his feet, but looked stunned for a second or two, enough time for Ryoga to throw a pair of bandannas at him.  
'I have to remember to lose' Ryoga thought. 'But . . . if I can defeat Ranma . . . then . . . oh curse you Nabiki! I hope you trip over your own piles of money!'  
Ryoga landed on a tree branch, and watched as Ranma leapt towards him. Ryoga dropped out of the branch, and let Ranma karate chop it off. He sidestepped and avoided the falling limb, then picked it up (it was no problem for him) and threw it at Ranma. The branch flew and missed a ducking Ranma by a hair, it headed straight for the street where it landed making a perfect roadblock. Disgruntled drivers came rushing out of their cars as the traffic piled up to see what was the matter, and soon they were placing bets with Nabiki on who would win the fight.  
"Five hundred yen on the kid with the bandanna!" One of the motorists cried.  
"A thousand on the one with the pig tail!" Another one shouted.  
Ryoga wasted no time launching another attack on Ranma! He leapt forward and side swept his companion, Ranma leapt into the air avoiding the sweep, and came down on Ryoga's head.  
Ryoga gritted his teeth in pain but tried to make it look like he was unaffected, he grabbed Ranma's ankles and slammed him into the ground.  
"Did you see that? Ranma's blow didn't even phase him!" One girl said. "I wanna change my bet to Ryoga!"  
Ryoga was secretly proud that he'd fooled the crowd and raised their opinion of him, but he turned away for a second to shudder in pain.  
"I'll get ya Ryoga! This aint no game now!" Ranma cried, he caught Ryoga off guard and kicked him in the back.  
Ryoga fell on his face, then rolled to get to his feet. He threw another bandanna at Ranma, this one nicked the shoulder of Ranma's favorite red shirt and left a tare.  
Ranma ignored the tare and lunged for Ryoga, and began launching punches and kicks most of which Ryoga dodged, but he didn't manage to get away from all of them.  
"Go on Ryoga!" Nabiki cried from the sidelines. "You use that special attack you were telling me about!"  
The crowd went into an uproar and started changing their bets, the resembled a flock of seagulls.  
"Are you crazy woman!?" Ryoga cried. "I have no special attack! Be silent and let *me* deal with this fight!"  
The crowd began changing their bets back to Ranma.  
"Don't you remember the special secret attack!?" Nabiki asked, shaking her fist at him threateningly.  
Ryoga growled to himself as he continued to dodge Ranma's attacks. He thought up a flashy name . . .  
"You should just give up Ryoga, I'm gonna to be late for class and I still got Kuno to deal with!"  
Ryoga glared at Ranma. To hell with Nabiki and her scheme, he'd crush Ranma! His days of disgrace at the losses Ranma had inflicted upon him would end here and now!  
"Super Smash Monkey Fist!" he cried.  
"Super what!?" Ranma asked, pausing for a second, all the time Ryoga needed. He launched a double kick to Ranma's chest, and flipped, landing on his feet. He lunged forward towards the fallen Ranma and kicked him into the air.  
The people were massing around Nabiki who seemed to think Ryoga was following her plan. He wasn't, Ryoga was going to defeat Ranma once and for all!  
"Take some of this Ranma!" Ryoga cried, leaping into the air after Ranma.  
  
Nabiki was getting annoyed. Ranma's collective wins had earned him the crowd's respect so that most of them were still betting on him. "Go on Ryoga!" She cried. "You use that special attack you were telling me about!" As soon as she said it a wave of people came to change their bets to Ryoga, finally Nabiki felt ready to tell Ryoga to lose.  
Ryoga turned to face her "Are you crazy woman!?" He shouted. "I have no special attack! Be silent and let *me* deal with this fight!"  
"What?" Some one asked. "I'm changing my bet back to Ranma!"  
"Blast!" Nabiki scoffed. She glared at Ryoga. "Don't you remember the special secret attack!?" She demanded, shaking her fist at him.  
"Nabiki!" Akane cried. "You didn't put poor Ryoga up to this did you?"  
"No way!" Nabiki cried defensively. She decided that this was the perfect time to continue playing the crowd, after all, why would she lie to her own sister eh? "I care about poor Ranma's safety, I don't want to see him get hurt. After all, since Ryoga's been practicing that new special attack of his, he can beat Ranma in a single blow!"  
"Super Smash Monkey Fist!" Ryoga shouted.  
"Super what?" Ranma asked, and Ryoga assaulted him mercilessly.  
"That attack!" Nabiki pointed at Ryoga triumphantly. Luckily Akane turned her attention back to the fight and the crowd started changing their bets to Ryoga.  
Nabiki giggled with delight as she accepted the last of the bets. Ninety percent of the school was voting for Ryoga!  
Ryoga kicked Ranma into the air, then leapt up after him, and putting both fists together in a hammer blow he knocked Ranma to the ground.  
Ranma made a crater!  
Nabiki had wanted the last betters to change their bets but there was no time now, if Ryoga accidentally won she'd be ruined since she was one of the twelve people still betting for Ranma!  
"Is that a duck?" She cried, but her shout was drowned out by the wave of cheers from happy Ryoga fans.  
"Is that a duck?" She tried again.  
Ranma got up as Ryoga was falling towards the ground. He jumped up and kicked him into the air, and it looked like Ryoga went orbital!  
"The boxes are closed!" Nabiki cried as people swamped her with bet changes. "Can't you people just stick with one candidate?"  
Ryoga landed making an even bigger crater, Ranma leapt into it and the crowd huddled around it to see what was going on. Nabiki had to force her way through several people before he saw the two continuing their fight inside the crater. Ryoga was still trying to win!  
"Is that a duck!?" She cried again, as loudly as she could.  
"Duck? Mousse not here!" Shampoo cried. Nabiki glared at her and promptly cut through the crowd to get to the other side of the crater.  
"Ryoga!" She shouted. "What are you doing! Don't make me come down there! School is about to start!"  
In the calamity of people still trying to place bets no one seemed to notice that Nabiki was actually speaking to Ryoga, not shouting side line criticism like they were.  
"I have to win!" Ryoga cried. "I can't let Ranma beat me again!"  
Nabiki growled and whipped out a canteen of water she'd prepared for this event. "You two cut it out before I douse you with cold water like the pair of dogs you are!"  
"What!?" Ranma cried.  
"She's bluffing! Fight me Ranma!" Ryoga cried, lunging forward again.  
Nabiki growled and splashed the contents of the canteen into the small crater, but even as her brain sent the impulses to do so some one shouted "The one to beat Ranma shall be me! Not you!" and Mousse jumped into the fray.  
His stay was brief though. The water hit him, and POP he became a duck.  
"Hey!" Ryoga said in surprise. "Is that Mousse?"  
"Yah!" Ranma cried, taking the advantage of Ryoga's sudden slip up to hit him in the gut and double him over.  
Nabiki raised a fist in triumph. "Hah! Ranma is the winner!"  
But Ryoga simply wouldn't be knocked out, get struggled to his feet and lunged for Ranma as Mousse/Duck was attacking Ranma's legs.  
It was enough time for people to change their bets back to Ranma though, and Ranma easily side stepped and allowed Ryoga to hit Mousse, then simply finished Ryoga off with a quick blow to the head.  
"That'll teach ya." Ranma scoffed.  
Nabiki sighed and shook her head morosely as she handed out the winnings to the morons who bet on Ranma, when it was over she'd only made a thousand yen. "I'll just tell Ryoga that we didn't win anything." Nabiki said to herself.  
  
Ryoga woke up to see the devil herself kneeling over him, shaking him roughly. "Wake up Ryoga!" She said sternly.  
He recognized that voice . . . darn it the devil would have been nicer. This demoness was of course Nabiki.   
"I hope you're not hurt bad, because I'm gonna strangle you!" She said.  
"Nabiki!" Some one shouted. "It's time for class! C'mon before we're late!"  
Nabiki frowned. "Okay Ryoga, c'mon, we're gonna be late."  
"Where are we going?" Ryoga asked in a daze.  
"To class." Nabiki said simply.  
"I don't go to this school." Ryoga said, shaking his head to clear it. That only made things worse.  
"I know that." Nabiki sighed. "But if I let you wander off you'll literally wander off and I'll have to do my spring cleaning myself! Who knows when you'd show up again. So you're just going to hang out with me today."  
"Wont your teachers object?" Ryoga asked.  
"Not bloody likely." Nabiki scoffed. "They *all* owe me something or other. Now pull yourself out of that ditch, you're lying on Mousse."  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
"Wow!" Akane said. "Ryoga and Nabiki sure are spending a lot of time together today."  
"They're just up to something." Ranma muttered. He was pretty sure Nabiki had talked Ryoga into fighting him today, maybe convinced him that he could win.  
"Maybe they like each other." One of Akane's friends said.  
Ranma watched as Nabiki forced Ryoga to eat the rest of her lunch. "Oh yeah. I hear wedding bells already." He snickered. Ranma didn't really care about Ryoga and Nabiki, if they were together it didn't really affect him, and if they were plotting something, he'd just have to beat Ryoga down again. 


	3. My Darling Charlotte!

Disclaimer: You know this part. I still don't own Ranma ½ and/or Charlotte's Web.  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 3  
My Darling Charlotte!  
  
Ryoga didn't really like being in school. Sure enough no one dared question Nabiki except Kuno, but his question was more like "Nabiki Tendo! I need more pictures of the pigtailed girl! Do you have them? Eh . . . who is that? Never mind, do you have them?"  
Of course Nabiki did, she sold a set of five for the ridiculous price of five thousand yen, then brought out some pictures of Akane, a set of five for ten thousand yen. Ryoga tried to protest to the pictures of Akane, but before he could snatch them away from Nabiki (Who later kicked him for trying) Kuno actually paid! What the heck was wrong with that guy? What a pervert! Well then again, Ryoga did share a bed with Akane as P-Chan, but it wasn't like he'd asked for such a sleeping arrangement. And it wasn't like he could argue about it since P-Chan cant talk . . . oh yeah, good cover no one would ever be able to call *him* a pervert . . . but eh . . . Kuno had serious problems!  
Nabiki tried to get him to rematch Ranma, but Ryoga's head was in incredible pain already. Mousse took a shot at it during the first break but Ranma wiped the floors with him, and once again Kuno's challenge was just ignored.  
Ryoga wondered how Ranma could attend this blasted school with all these people trying to fight him. Ryoga made a mental note to avoid fighting Ranma at school in the future, then remembered he owed Ranma nothing and changed his mind and decided to attack him at school more often. Ryoga despised this school and he didn't even attend it! Nabiki dragged him everywhere like a dog and he had to stand by her desk or sit on the ground.  
Some people were interested in his plight, one teacher offered him the chair of an absent student but Nabiki was a she-devil. "No, he likes standing. Watch him stand on his head!" One girl had asked Ryoga if he was Nabiki's boyfriend. When he said "no" she started flirting with him and Nabiki had immediately attempted to rent Ryoga out to that girl for one thousand yen an hour! The girl sadly admitted she couldn't afford it and Nabiki gave her the number to the Tendo home and said "When you can afford it, give me a call, offer expires in thirty days."  
Ryoga wanted to shove himself into a locker, but since he didn't know the combinations to any of the locks he tried to convince two bullies to do it. They were awfully confused, and ended up running away from him, thinking he was an undercover hall monitor.  
However as the day was nearing it's middle Nabiki made an interesting deal during science class.  
"We're going to cut up these unborn pigs today class!" The teacher said.  
"I told you we dissect pigs." Nabiki whispered to Ryoga.  
"I'm going to sort you out into groups of two, usually we have an odd student, but since Nabiki was kind enough to bring her little brother he can be her partner."  
"Little brother?" Ryoga groaned.  
The class was sorted, but then the teacher said "I must go, personal business y'know. I'll be back soon, behave or I'll beat you all with a yard stick! Miss. Hinako's class has a relatively low teen-pregnancy rate, but if you all behave–and if I didn't have diarrhea last month–we can beat her!" He said, taking a newspaper he walked off.  
"EEEW!" One girl said. "This pig thing is SO gross!"  
"Oh! My partner fainted!" A guy groaned.  
"I am *not* cutting this thing up!" A girl said.  
One guy had to comfort his partner because she was crying, mourning for the poor piggies that never got a chance at life. Another guy with making out with his partner because the teacher was gone and he didn't particularly care weather or not Miss. Hinako's class had fewer teen pregnancies.  
"Now, now!" Nabiki announced. "No need to worry, for the mere price of five hundred yen a pig my "little brother" will do all the cutting *for* you!"  
Everyone rushed to pay Nabiki, even the ones who weren't grossed out were all for not having to do the work. Ryoga had a policy, never harm a girl. He was considering breaking it by throwing Nabiki out a window.  
Soon there was something like an assembly line going for Ryoga, and something like an orgy going on behind Ryoga. "Okay . . ." Ryoga mumbled to himself on the forth pig. "So I cut this thing here . . . then pull out that thing eeeeeww! Back in you go!" He worked very quickly because he had another six to go after this (Nabiki was taking care of her own pig) after a wrong move he tried to reattach the pig's tail but it just wasn't happening.  
The whole experience was well worth a good long sulk though. Ryoga wasn't one to mourn his own misfortune (yeah right) but making that deal with Nabiki was the worst choice of his life!  
Now, as they sat together in the cafeteria Ryoga tried to suffocate himself with the paper bag Nabiki had brought her lunch in. Until she popped it and nearly gave him a heart attack that is. She thought it was funny, he thought of running, but he needed to catch his breath first. Of course with his sense of direction he probably wouldn't get far, might even run straight to Nabiki's next class.  
'Curses!' He thought. 'Akane is worth it. Must tell myself, Akane is worth this hellish torment!'  
"Hungry?" Nabiki asked.  
"No." Ryoga said.  
"Don't pout. After all, how many people can say they dissected ten pigs in one day? Now that is something to put in your diary if you have one." Nabiki said cheerfully.  
"Oh yeah? Well if I'm making you so much money, why doesn't it count to working off my debt?" Ryoga asked.  
"Because I don't want it to." Nabiki said simply. Ryoga was about to protest, but Nabiki took the opportunity to shove food into his mouth. "Eat or you'll have no strength to fight Ranma after school."  
"What about the money we made from the fight this morning?"  
"Oh yeah . . . about that . . ." Nabiki said. "We didn't make anything, you took to long to lose, everyone changed their bets."  
"Why the heck did you let them change their bets?" Ryoga asked.  
"That's a good question." Nabiki said. "It seemed like a good idea at the time, since only four people were betting on you at the start." Nabiki shrugged. "When it was over everyone bet on Ranma so everyone got their money back. Actually I was out quite a bit, so you're going to have to be my slave a little longer, Ryoga-baby."  
"I don't know how gambling works," Ryoga said. "but I feel like that is some how not the way it should be done."  
Nabiki shrugged. "Whatever. Eat!" She shoved something else into his mouth.  
"What in the name of all things good and holy are you feeding me?"  
"The rest of my lunch." Nabiki said. "Kasumi made it, you should like it."  
"I know that, but what is it? Y'know what? It doesn't matter, because I'm not hungry!" Ryoga protested.  
"Well you're gonna eat anyway. Look! Here comes the air plane!"  
"Don't do that! I hate it when people do that!" Ryoga whined.  
  
"Wow!" Akane said. "Ryoga and Nabiki sure are spending a lot of time together today."  
"They're just up to something." Ranma muttered. He was pretty sure Nabiki had talked Ryoga into fighting him today, maybe convinced him that he could win.  
"Maybe they like each other." One of Akane's friends said.  
Ranma watched as Nabiki forced Ryoga to eat the rest of her lunch. "Oh yeah. I hear wedding bells already." He snickered. Ranma didn't really care about Ryoga and Nabiki, if they were together it didn't really affect him, and if they were plotting something, he'd just have to beat Ryoga down again.  
  
Nabiki sighed, looking out her window at the night sky.  
Okay, so she'd sort of showed off today, she wasn't sure why but she just did. She'd told herself at the time that she was testing Ryoga's moneymaking potential but now she told herself she was just trying to impress him with the amount of money she could reel in, which didn't work. She'd also been trying to make him realize that he was literally her slave as well, but now he was just resistant to just about anything she told him, he wasn't even interested in giving her "Win Akane's Heart" plan a try anymore.  
But he'd honor the contract at least. She's been right, he was, if nothing else, honorable.  
He was starting to grow on her and it'd only been a day. When he successfully threw the fight against Ranma in the afternoon she wasn't quite sure if she should be pleased or concerned for his safety. Of course since she made a huge bundle of money she was pleased. She gave Ryoga something like ten percent instead of the fifty she'd promised him and told him he'd screwed up again. He didn't protest but she suspected he knew that she was holding out.  
Who cared? After all what did he need with money? Nabiki had already made it clear, or at least tried to make it clear to Ryoga that he wasn't allowed to go on any of his adventures so what did he need money for? He wasn't going to buy Akane any souvenirs at the high school, that was for darn sure.  
And why, Nabiki asked herself, did she care if he did buy Akane souvenirs? Why did she care at all if he got lost? The unexpected benefit of Ryoga's strength and Ranma being caught and forced to help out had finished the hard work quickly, most of what remained was just the finishing touches to this and that.  
Nabiki had several questions to ask herself, unfortunately she came up with only one answer to the big one. The most important question in her life: How do I get more money? The answer was obvious: Use Ryoga, he's an idiot, but tapped properly: a useful idiot.  
  
The German Shepherd watched the Tendo household with deadly gaze. The boy who turned into a pig was in there, he had to get that pig!  
As the dog waited outside the gates, he saw a trio of black forms jump into the yard. The dog began to growl. He could sense the danger imposed by the three unknown men. As it came to its senses, it realized that their scents were familiar, it recognized them! He knew what was happening before the three ninjas made their landing.  
A German Shepherd can be a frightening sight when properly motivated, and this dog was real motivated right now, he leapt over the Tendo fence with a single bound, and began his hunt.  
  
Nabiki was standing by her window, she saw the three forms jump into the yard and split up. She was on her guard in a second. She moved quickly to the front door, as she opened it slowly, she heard P-Chan squeal!  
"Ryoga!" She gasped. She ran to Akane's room, she saw Akane trying to fight with some guy dressed in black. "Akane!" She snapped. "What's going on?"  
"I don't know!" Akane said. There were two men in the room, one of them was holding P-Chan, who despite his attempts at biting the man's hand, could not get free.  
Nabiki heard a sound and turned in time to see the third man standing behind her. He reached out and grabbed her, holding her tight and covering her mouth.  
"Is that the pig?" He asked.  
"This is the only one I see, and it is black, just like she asked for."  
"Let's go then-" the third man stumbled as Akane kicked him in the face.  
"No! You can't take P-Chan!"  
Suddenly the window shattered and a huge wolf thing jumped in, baring it's teeth and growling ferociously. I lunged for the man holding P-Chan, and tore into his arm with it's fangs! The man screamed and dropped P-Chan. P-Chan was running in no time, the man holding Nabiki let her go and tried to grab the black piglet.  
Nabiki ran off, she wasn't afraid . . . well yes she was afraid. But if Ryoga was trying to get to any source of hot water he'd never find it. She ran into the kitchen and grabbed a glass.  
  
P-Chan/Ryoga ran through the halls of the Tendo house, the man in black was behind him and gaining. Ryoga was getting desperate, he had to change into himself if he was going to stand any chance of escaping whatever evil purposes they had in store for him!  
Not paying attention to where he was going, he ran into a wall when he tried to make a left turn (and ended up turning right)  
The man was on him in a second, and Nabiki was on *him* in a second, jumping over him to throw some hot water on Ryoga.  
"That pig owes me a lot of money, you're not taking him anywhere!" She cried.  
The man's mask was messed up when she leapt over his back, as he struggled to adjust it, Ryoga became Ryoga. Nabiki threw him a pair of pants and by the time he was dressed the ninja's sight was restored.  
"Where did that . . ." He glared at Nabiki. "Where did it go kid?!"  
Ryoga lunged for him, hitting him square in the gut. The man doubled over. "Where is Ranma!" Ryoga shouted. "Ranma! If you have any brains in your idiot head you come out here and help us!"  
  
Ranma snored very loudly. The sound of battle, and the fact that Akane and her opponent eventually ended up knocking down the wall to his room as they were locked in combat didn't seem to bother him, nor did it manage to pop the large bubble coming out of his nose.  
  
Ryoga ran out into the yard, trying to lead them away from Akane! "Cant let them get Akane!" He said to himself.   
The German Shepherd from before appeared, it barreled into him and he fell into the water of the Tendo pond. He was, once again P-Chan!  
"Here's that pig!" One of them said. "Lets get out of here!" And one of them grabbed him and leapt away. P-Chan was definitely not a happy piggy.  
  
The German Shepherd nodded with approval as the two men grabbed the pig and leapt away. Following their scent he ran off into the night.  
  
Akane ran out into the night after Ryoga, when she heard one of them say "Here's that pig! Let's get out of here!" She picked up the pace, but tripped over a big fluffy dog, tripping and falling on her face.  
They had P-Chan and they ran off. The dog went after them, and Akane tried to get up and go as well, but she couldn't see them anymore.  
  
The butler knocked on the young girl's door, and waited for the answer.  
Azusa opened the door. "What do you want? Azusa is in no mood for your nonsense right now!" She said.  
"Visitors for you, Miss. Azusa."  
Azusa gasped. "Charlotte? Oh my darling Charlotte has finally come home to be with Azusa?" She ran to the front door, and grabbed the pig from the two battle torn ninjas. "You took too long! Azusa will only pay half!"  
"We lost a man!" One of them said. "You're paying us double or were taking that pig!"  
Miss. Azusa was ruthless, unleashing a deadly assault by chair she knocked the man who'd spoken unconscious. The remaining man spoke, this time a bit more reverently. "Miss. Azusa, we weren't expecting such stiff resistance from a little girl. You did not tell us that she had an attack dog, or that she was a martial arts master OR that she had a body guard! Actually come to think of it, what sixteen year old girl has all those things? What kind of town is this?"  
"Body guard? Attack doggy? Azusa doesn't care, Azusa has her Charlotte! Now you dirty men go away and don't come back!" She slammed the door. "Azusa woves her whittle Charlotte!" She said happily.  
"Well, as long as Miss. Azusa is happy, my job is safe." The butler sighed.  
'Charlotte' on the other hand began trying to bite Azusa's hand. Azusa whacked him with her whittle hammer.  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
"Well my little girl has quite a collection of little things she brings home." Azusa's father said. "I suppose a little black pig could have slipped under my radar. Oh, I'm sorry though, I can't stand to break her heart and take it away. But let me offer you a rather generous payment for the little creature."  
It took all of Nabiki's self discipline not to slap Akane when she refused it.  
"Well sir," Nabiki said sourly. "Are you a gambling man?"  
"Sort of, yes." Azusa's father said.  
"How about we play a little game, any game you choose." Nabiki said. "I'm willing to bet I'll beat you at anything."  
"Strip poker?" Azusa's father asked, giving Akane and Nabiki appraising glances.  
"I'm not interested in your cloths, only money." Nabiki said.  
"Very well." Azusa's father said. "I know just the game."  
"Mind you, if I win, I want my sister's pig back." Nabiki added.  
"You said only money!"  
"Oh you'll run out of that in no time." The seventeen year old girl said simply, naturally Azusa's father didn't take her seriously . . . 


	4. “Charlotte’s” Day Out

Disclaimer: I don't own the book/movie Charlotte's web (which has so little to do with the actual story) or the Mang/Anime Ranma 1/2  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 4  
"Charlotte's" Day Out  
  
Setting: Azusa's house, her bedroom, if you've seen it in the anime, imagine it again only full of even MORE junk.   
  
Azusa woke up bright and early the following day, she and Charlotte had so much to do! She skipped saying good morning to all her . . . 'friends'. "Oh wake up Charlotte! Wake up my dear, sleepy Charlotte!" She said.  
Ryoga growled at her. She'd tied a pink bow around each of his ears, and then she put that damnable collar back on him! Ryoga wanted to go back to Akane! He didn't like Azusa at all, she wasn't cute, she wasn't nice and she wasn't very bright, all three of these things Akane was and thusly Ryoga would rather be Akane's pet pig! Doh! No he didn't want to be a pet pig; he wanted to love Akane as a human! Doh! He didn't want to love Akane as a human; he wanted to . . . no, no that's right.  
Azusa waved her mallet menacingly, Ryoga ignored it. As the mallet came down Ryoga tried to bite Azusa's hand, but she was well practiced in hitting things, and managed to knock him senseless before he could do anything.  
"Get all dressed up Charlotte!" Azusa said. "Azusa is taking you to the park!"  
'The park? What planet do you come from? You're sixteen or however old and you dress up like a doll and go to the park and *whack* little pigs on the head with little mallets? You're nuts!' Ryoga thought. 'If there were an acid rainfall I'd die a happy pig! Wait, does acid count as hot water?' Ryoga grunted and made another go for Azusa's hands as she put a pretty pink dress on him.  
"This is Azusa's doll dress, but Charlotte can wear it. It's stretchy not fitty so Charlotte cant take it off no matter how hard she tries!" Azusa said happily.  
'He! I'm a . . . fitty? What the heck is fitty?' Ryoga wondered.  
"And Azusa has a whittle leash for whittle Charlotte!"  
'And whittle Charlotte has a whittle problem with whittle Azusa's imprisonment of whittle Ryoga!' Ryoga cried in his whittle head.  
"Leaving early today Miss. Azusa?"  
"Yes, Azusa is taking Charlotte to the park!"  
"It looks like rain today, would you like one of the servants to take an umbrella?"  
"Azusa can do it herself." Azusa said.  
'If you can wield an umbrella as well as you refer to yourself in the third person, then those rain drops don't stand a chance.' Ryoga thought.  
  
Ryoga briefly considered a good roll in the mud. 'What? Am I turning into a real pig?' he thought. 'No! If I get dirty, she'd have to clean me, and I'd turn back into a human and . . . I don't want this psycho seeing me naked and figuring out I'm a boy! Who knows what she'd do if Charlotte was Charles! Or a human yet!'  
He considered the possibilities and unconsciously crossed his legs. Azusa however threw a Frisbee and kicked him "gently" towards it. "Go get it Charlotte!" Azusa said.  
'I hate you.' Ryoga thought. 'I hate you. I hate you. Yuck!' He picked the Frisbee up in his mouth, then trotted back to Azusa. 'I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. Here. I hate you.'  
"Oh! Charlotte brought back the whittle Frisbee for whittle Azusa! Azusa woves Charlotte!"  
'I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.'  
"Now go get it!" Azusa said, throwing the Frisbee off. Ryoga stood still.  
'I hate you. I hate you. I . . . oh crap she threw it again. I'm not going after it!' He thought.  
"Go on Charlotte! Get the Frisbee!"  
'No, I hate this!'  
"Go on Charlotte!" Azusa said, preparing her mallet for combat. Ryoga whimpered and ran back out into the rain to get the Frisbee.  
When he got back, he sneezed. He was freezing!  
"Oh no! Whittle Charlotte has a cold!" Azusa said. "Azusa should take Charlotte home for a bowl of soup-go get the Frisbee Charlotte!"  
'She has the attention span of a child! And I thought being Nabiki's slave was bad!' Ryoga got the Frisbee, then before Azusa could throw it, he ran like mad.  
"Oh! Silly Charlotte! Azusa hasn't thrown it yet!" Azusa giggled and threw the Frisbee. Ryoga didnt make any attempt to go after it. "Charlotte! Charlotte you're going the wrong way!" Azusa said.  
'Wrong way my eye! For once I'm going the *right* way!' Ryoga thought.  
"Oh!" Azusa cried. "Charlotte come back!" She ran after Ryoga in the rain, and then Ryoga heard a splash. Azusa had fallen into a puddle and was clutching her ankle and weeping.  
He considered continuing down his course . . . but what kind of person would he be if he didn't check to make sure she was alright? He turned and trotted over to her, she was fine, but he didn't figure that out until she sprung at him and grabbed him. "Bad Charlotte! Running away from Azusa! Now Azusa and Charlotte are all dirty, we need to go home and take a long hot bath!"  
'No! No! Throw the Frisbee again! I'll go after it this time, I promise!' Ryoga thought.  
"Hey!" A familiar voice said. Ryoga turned to see Akane and Ranko. "That's MY pig!"  
Ranko shook her head. "I should've known you'd be the only one stupid enough to kidnap P-Chan!" she scoffed. "Well, I mean you and maybe that pig farmer girl . . . whaz'er name?"  
"Azusa doesn't know what you're talking about. This is Azusa's piglet, Charlotte!"  
"Charlotte?" Akane cried. "No! That's P-Chan!"  
"Miss. Azusa!" The butler cried. "The limmo is waiting."  
"Since when did you get a limmo?" Ranko cried.  
"Since forever! Azusa is very rich!" Azusa scoffed. She and Ryoga got into the limmo, Ryoga desperately biting at her arm, but Azusa not paying attention at all. "Bye!" Azusa cried.  
'Akane!' Ryoga cried.  
"P-Chan!" Akane cried out.  
"Bye 'Charlotte'!" Ranko cried with a laugh.  
"RANMA!" Akane yelled before attacking her.  
Ryoga just whimpered.  
"You're filthy Miss. Azusa." The butler said. "You should take a bath when you get home."  
"Azusa wants to take a bath with darling little Charlotte!" Azusa proclaimed.  
'No!' Ryoga thought.  
"With that filthy thing? Perhaps, Miss. Azusa, we could have one of the servants wash the little pig."  
'Listen to him!' Ryoga thought.  
"No! Azusa wants to take a bath with Charlotte!" Azusa said sternly.  
'She-devil!' Ryoga thought. 'If I had my middle fingers I'd use both of em to make a cross and keep you away from me!'  
  
Nabiki got back from her strenuous search. She was honestly worried about Ryoga, she'd cut school today so she could search for him at her favorite cloths store, and ended up bribing of a truancy officer. Akane enlisted Ranma to search when they got back from school, even though the pigtailed boy didn't seem to care much.  
Nabiki got back and saw them sitting around a table. "Did you find him?" She asked.  
"Sort of." Akane said.  
"Any sign of Ryoga?" Nabiki asked.  
"No." Ranma said, he gave Nabiki a curious glance. "Is Ryoga's looking for P-Chan too?" Ranma said in a questioning, somewhat testing voice.  
Nabiki ignored the question. "What did you mean by 'sort of' then?"  
"We found him, but he's being help prisoner by Azusa!" Akane cried, bringing her fist down on the table.  
Nabiki adopted a very annoyed look on her face. "And that means what to me? Who is this 'Azusa'?"  
"She's some stupid girl with a fancy house. I don't remember her being rich, but it seems like she's got a limousine now." Ranma said. "I'd like to ride in that limousine, just once . . ." he sighed.  
"Rich? Take me to her place!" Nabiki announced. "I'll get that piggy back, you try and stop me!" 'I'll get you back Ryoga, you still owe me some time and money.' Nabiki thought to herself.  
  
Azusa splashed her face with the cold water. Ryoga was relieved about two things. First of all, the hot water heater for the house was broken, second, Azusa was the sort of girl who'd lived such a sheltered life that she thought it normal to take a bath with a bathing suit on. Ryoga Hibiki could only thank whatever god had smiled down on him!  
"Splash Charlotte! Splash!" Azusa cried.  
'Oh I'll splash you alright!' Ryoga thought bitterly, kicking water at Azusa. 'This water is freezing! Why won't you die?!' He thought.  
Azusa came out of the bath. "Okay then darling little Charlotte, time for us to get all dried off!"  
'Don't call me Charlotte! If you have to call me anything you can call me Ryoga, or P-Chan!'  
"And we put Charlotte's little dress back on!" Azusa said.  
'I hate you!' Ryoga cried.  
  
"Well my little girl has quite a collection of little things she brings home." Azusa's father said. "I suppose a little black pig could have slipped under my radar. Oh, I'm sorry though, I can't stand to break her heart and take it away. But let me offer you a rather generous payment for the little creature."  
It took all of Nabiki's self discipline not to slap Akane when she refused it.  
"Well sir," Nabiki said sourly. "Are you a gambling man?"  
"Sort of, yes." Azusa's father said.  
"How about we play a little game, any game you choose." Nabiki said. "I'm willing to bet I'll beat you at anything."  
"Strip poker?" Azusa's father asked, giving Akane and Nabiki appraising glances.  
"I'm not interested in your cloths, only money." Nabiki said.  
"Very well." Azusa's father said. "I know just the game."  
"Mind you, if I win, I want my sister's pig back." Nabiki added.  
"You said 'only money'!"  
"Oh you'll run out of that in no time." The seventeen year old girl said simply, naturally Azusa's father didn't take her seriously . . .   
  
Ryoga saw it before Azusa could close it! The window! Open! He was free! And so Ryoga Hibiki as P-Chan leapt from the bedroom window of Azusa's home to his almost certain death!  
  
"This has never happened before! I invented this game, I'm supposed to win it no matter what happens, how could I lose?" Azusa's father cried. "Ten consecutive times in two minutes!"  
"That's the breaks." Nabiki said, wearing his golden watch. "Pay up buddy."  
"I don't have anything else!"  
"The pig then." Nabiki said.  
"Done!" Azusa's father cried.  
  
P-Chan hurtled to his death (It wasn't REALLY that high . . . but he IS a piglet) but anything was better than that dress! Wait! He was still wearing the dress OH NO! 'I'm going to become a well dressed street pizza!' He thought. 'Except I'm not well dressed!'  
The ground came closer, and suddenly it was far away!  
'Ho ho? I'm flying!' Ryoga said happily. Then he realized he wasn't doing it under his power. 'What the . . . I didn't know there were bald eagles in Japan!'  
  
"Where's my sla-eh I mean where is Akane's pig?" Nabiki demanded. Azusa was wailing in the corner.  
"Charlotte jumped out the window and then the big tweedy bird carrier her away! Azusa wants a new Charlotte!"  
"Daddy will by you a new Charlotte!" Her father cried.  
"What?" Nabiki demanded. "You lost the pig?"  
"Charlotte jumped out of the window!" Azusa explained.  
Nabiki ran over to the window. There was a huge bird flying off with a little black thing in its talons, but what could be big enough to carry P-Chan? "C'mon Akane, it's getting away!"  
  
Ryoga was pretty miserable as the bird flew around with him. He wriggled and writhed, eventually the dress was torn and he fell. He was happy for two seconds. Then he landed in the waiting hands of a hot dog bun. He was covered in mustard before he gained enough of his wits to start squealing like an idiot. That's when the hot dog's owner started squealing in surprise and dropped Ryoga. Ryoga was about to hit the ground when a huge dog appeared and caught him in its mouth.  
'Aww crap.' Ryoga thought with a sigh. 'You again!'  
  
Nabiki ran as fast as she could to the point where Ryoga had been dropped. She wasn't sure weather it was the run, or actual concern for Ryoga's well being, but her heart was pounding so hard it felt like it might explode from her chest.  
They were almost there when Nabiki tripped over a huge dog. She twisted as she fell and landed on her back, she kicked the dog out of reflex, but it easily sidestepped out of her way.  
"It has P-Chan!" Akane cried.  
Nabiki stood up. "Okay dog, you put P-Chan down now or I'll rip off your tail and use it as a duster!"  
The dog obediently dropped P-Chan, who ran and jumped into Akane's waiting arms. Nabiki felt slightly jealous. "Oh P-Chan! You're safe!" Akane said. "I was so scared!"  
"Now beat it Rover!" Nabiki instructed. The dog ran off obediently.  
"You're good with dogs aren't you?" Akane said.  
"I'm used to working with stupid beasts, I have classes with Kuno, remember?" Nabiki grinned.  
"I bet P-Chan sure is thankful for you saving him from that dog!" Akane said.  
"It probably would have dropped him anyway." Nabiki sighed. "Let's just go home!"  
"But I bet P-Chan wants to give you a big kiss Nabiki!" Akane said happily.  
"Well you tell P-Chan he can just go find some lady pig to kiss." Nabiki noticed Ryoga/P-Chan nod his head vigorously, and look quite pleased when she refused. "On second thought-" she kissed the little black piglet on the forehead "don't let yourself get kidnaped again P-Chan." She said sweetly.  
P-Chan's ears stood up and his eyes were wide open. He was frozen like a statue for the rest of the walk home.  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
"Excuse me!" Kasumi said. "I have an announcement!"  
"Yes Cook-Fo-Me, please go ahead." Saotome said.  
Kasumi nodded. "I have startling news for you all! It seems that the ninjas who so recently attacked us and stole Akane's poor pet P-Chan, were in fact members of a rather dangerous group. They've sworn revenge on Akane, the pig, Akane's body guard, a dog that I know nothing about, and of course Nabiki." Kasumi said calmly. "They called this morning to tell me, they say they'll be here around noon on Saturday to smash all of our heads in and take all of our valuables.  
"How wonderful!" Saotome said. With a slight degree of horror Nabiki realized he wasn't being sarcastic.  
"Indeed, it just goes to show you what a civilized society we live in." Tendo agreed.  
"What!?! Civilized? You have got to be kidding! Tell me you're kidding!" Nabiki demanded.  
"Now, now Nabiki," Kasumi said with a smile, "father is right, in the old days we wouldn't get the phone call, they would just turn up in the night and cut our throats." 


	5. Dance Piggy Dance!

Disclaimer: See the other sections. I also do not own Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. I don't actually mention it in this chapter but the movie Ryoga wants to watch is a parody of it.  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 5  
Dance Piggy Dance!  
  
Setting: Tendo home, supper table at supper time  
  
Nabiki Tendo glared impatiently at her father and Genma Saotome. They were having a rather odd alcohol induced conversation over the dinner table.  
"Genma is such a stupid name. From now on you can all call me The G Spot!" Genma cried.  
"And I'm the Soun Train!" Soun agreed. "Now maybe we should rename the girls . . ."  
"That's okay dad, I like my name." Akane said.  
"Who asked?" Soun . . . er Soun Train demanded. "Oh, I didn't mean to be sharp with you Akane . . . Oh I'm an abusive father!" Soun Train began to cry . . . of course this was pretty normal for him.  
"I wouldn't mind changing my name to Man of Steel!" Ranma announced.  
"Silence boy!" Genma said. "I named you Ranma, and you're gonna like it!"  
"Yeah whatever pop." Ranma sighed.  
"Good. Now that that's settled Ranma, lets talk about changing your name to something a little flashier. How's about Man of Steel?" Genma asked.  
"Sounds good." Ranma said.  
"It's settled then." Genma nodded. "You see Tendo? Some times you have to be firm with the children, then they know who's boss."  
"Nabiki, maybe we can change your name?" Soun Train asked.  
Nabiki sighed. "No thanks daddy, but I'm sure Kasumi wouldn't mind at all."  
"Kasumi!" Soun announced. "From now on your name is Cook-Fo-Me! Now cook for me Cook-Fo-Me!" Soun announced, pleased with his cleverness.  
"But father, I've already cooked dinner for everyone." Kasumi said in her usual clueless way.  
Soun paused for a second. Then broke down crying again. "Oh I'm so sorry Cook-Fo-Me! I'm an abusive father! Oh I'm an abusive father!"  
"Well, don't stay up too late thinking about it." Nabiki said. "Great dinner Kasumi, but I'm done."  
"Already?" Kasumi asked. "But you haven't even had desert!"  
"Well I have to watch my girlish fig-"  
"You haven't even had desert!" Kasumi barked. "Sit!"  
Nabiki sighed and sat down. Kasumi . . . or rather, Cook-Fo-Me now, wasn't to be taken lightly. When all was said and done she was the only person in the family who could really cook. Nabiki could make something edible–unlike Akane–but you needed Kasumi if you wanted to make a meal.  
Nabiki watched P-Chan try to wriggle out of Akane's grasp. It'd been two days since Azure, or whatever her name was, and Akane wasn't letting P-Chan out of her sight. Unfortunately this meant Ryoga wasn't around-how could he be?-and so Nabiki had to pool the bests on battles between Ranma and Kuno or Mousse. She learned that not allowing people to change their bets did indeed pay off a little better than letting them change.  
Her door was also a problem, she had no privacy at all. Often people would come in and wake her up early simply because they could. Those people were of course Ranma and Akane, chasing each other around like idiots in their weird erotic games, or arguments or whatever it was that they did in the morning.  
Stupid Ryoga, going and getting turned into a pig.  
"Excuse me!" Kasumi said. "I have an announcement!"  
"Yes Cook-Fo-Me, please go ahead." Saotome said.  
Kasumi nodded. "I have startling news for you all! It seems that the ninjas who so recently attacked us and stole Akane's poor pet P-Chan, were in fact members of a rather dangerous group. They've sworn revenge on Akane, the pig, Akane's body guard, a dog that I know nothing about, and of course Nabiki." Kasumi said calmly. "They called this morning to tell me, they say they'll be here around noon on Saturday to smash all of our heads in and take all of our valuables.  
"How wonderful!" Saotome said. With a slight degree of horror Nabiki realized he wasn't being sarcastic.  
"Indeed, it just goes to show you what a civilized society we live in." Tendo agreed.  
"What!?! Civilized? You have got to be kidding! Tell me you're kidding!" Nabiki demanded.  
"Now, now Nabiki," Kasumi said with a smile, "father is right, in the old days we wouldn't get the phone call, they would just turn up in the night and cut our throats."  
"You're nuts! And all this is because of P-Chan?" Nabiki demanded.  
"I won't let them hurt P-Chan!" Akane said. "But who is the dog and the body guard they're talking about?" She looked at Ranma. "Man of Steel over there slept through the whole thing, they can't mean him!"  
"A shame, that would have explained who the dog was." Kasumi sighed. Since she sounded so innocent and clueless when she said it, it was difficult for Ranma to get angry at her, but Nabiki could see he was making an effort.  
"Ryoga was there." Nabiki pointed out.  
"It'll be tough for them to kill Ryoga and P-Chan, what with how they're never in the same place at the same time." Ranma said.  
"You know I've noticed that." Akane said.  
P-Chan began to squeal threateningly at Ranma. 'So Ranma knows about Ryoga.' Nabiki thought. "I bet they're just like two ends of a magnet or something." Nabiki put in. "Positives and negatives, whenever one is here, the other is instinctively forced as far away as possible."  
"That makes perfect sense!" Akane said.  
"It does?" Nabiki asked. "I mean, of course it does. I *am* a year older and smarter than you after all." She glared at P-Chan. 'Why I stick my neck out for you is beyond me, bacon-boy!'  
"We'll then we'll have to get in contact with Ryoga." Kasumi said. "He may be in danger if they know who he is."  
P-Chan nodded his head vigorously. Nabiki snickered. "Oh I'm sure he'll turn up if things get too hot." She said.  
P-Chan glared at her, and she glared at P-Chan. There was a moment of pure hatred between them, followed by a strange desire that caused them both to avert their gazes. And then everything went back to normal.  
"Don't worry Akane, I'll protect you 'an that fat 'lil ham." Ranma said.  
"Why do I need you to protect ME?" Akane demanded.  
"Because you're a girl." Ranma teased.  
"So're you, half the time!" Akane cried.  
"What about Nabiki!" Soun demanded. "Who will protect Nabiki?"  
"I can handle my-"  
"P-Chan will!" Akane announced, holding Ryoga (who had some of Akane's dinner in his mouth) into the air for everyone to see. "He likes her, don't you P-Chan?" Akane nuzzled the pig, who turned red.  
Nabiki sweat dropped. "I don't think I need a little pig's help." She said.  
"Well then can you watch P-Chan?" Akane asked. "So he doesn't get hurt while I deal with these ninja losers?"  
"I already told'ja I'll deal with em." Ranma scoffed.  
Nabiki frowned, but did see an opportunity to restore Ryoga to human form. If these . . . maniacs were serious, having a human shield would be preferable to a piglet shield, since only one of the two was likely to stop bullets, or--since they faced ninjas--throwing stars. "Okay, sure. I'd feel a lot safer with P-Chan protecting me." Nabiki smiled.  
P-Chan squealed ferociously at her, as if to say 'Are you mocking me?' Akane on the other hand was oblivious. "See? He's happy! I told you he liked you."  
Nabiki grinned wickedly, and kissed the little pig on the head. P-Chan became a statue, and everyone (except Ranma) tilted their heads to the side and said "Aww . . . how cute."  
  
Nabiki was lying down on her stomach in the living room, reading a comic book as usual. Akane had left P-Chan with her, but he soon left on the quest for hot water, Nabiki didn't expect him to find the bathroom for another year or so.  
On the TV that Tendo and Saotome had fallen asleep watching however, there was a show that caught Nabiki's interest.  
"This is your host Phil Satyr!" An American guy said. "We're back with: When Pets Do Dumb Crap! Today we have an assortment of pet owners, all of whom have incredibly stupid pets! It's the second round, now lets see what our scores are! Well it seems that Cologne and her blind duck are in the lead with five hundred points!"  
Cologne and Mousse appeared. Cologne was explaining how incredibly stupid Mousse was, leaving nothing out. She then demonstrated by having Mousse the duck stand on a ball while balancing a piano on it's beak. She then displayed a picture of Shampoo, and Mouse began quacking uncontrollably, soon the piano fell on him with a squash!  
The crowd went wild, not only was the piano balancing impressive, but the squashing was hilarious . . . to them anyway. Nabiki formed wicked ideas for P-Chan.  
"That was great!" Phil said. He snatched the picture of Shampoo from Cologne and inspected it for a moment before pocketing it. "To bad it doesn't count for any points."  
"We've got more up our sleeves." Cologne said.  
"Quack!" Mousse cried.  
"Hey, what's on?" Ryoga asked, appearing from the hallway. "I don't suppose First Daydream: the Souls Outside is on is it?"  
"God I hate that show!" Nabiki spat. "It never made sense, and in the end everyone survived, which is weird because a lot of people got decapitated. And no, it's not." She looked at Ryoga. "You found the bathroom awfully fast."  
"Yeah . . . about that . . . well eh . . . Ranma was transformed into Ranko, Akane was chasing him with a dangerous looking stick, so I grabbed onto those short shorts and held for dear life! When Ranma jumped into the bath I went too, and just stayed under water until Akane was gone."  
"You're pathetic." Nabiki sighed.  
"You don't know what pathetic is until you've been a pig for two days." Ryoga said coldly.  
"This is Phil Satyr saying good fight, good night. Remember folks, were only going to be in Japan for one more showing, the winners of our contest get a free trip for two to Hawaii and one million American dollars to spend there, or save, who cares what they do with the money, because for us it's a hell of a tax write off, and working on this show counts as community service hours for me! And my pay check is good enough to pay off four of my six alimonies . . . a word to the wise children! Don't marry young, and don't marry several women at one time! It's illegal, and you'll be financially crippled before you can say 'what's for breakfast honey?' So anyway good night Japan!"  
Nabiki turned on Ryoga, who didn't seem to realize his danger. "What tricks can you do as a pig?" She demanded.  
"Hmm? Well I can . . . eh . . . nothing you don't already know about." Ryoga said, seeing the evil gleam in her eyes.  
Nabiki had a daydream (or perhaps waking nightmare) of a disco dancing piglet with a large afro and a gold medallion. "Dance piggy dance!" She cried, her eyes glazed over with wicked greed.  
Ryoga took a few steps away from her, then ran for dear life, finding himself in a closet at record time.  
"Get back here! I need you to turn into a pig so I can see how large the afro needs to be!" Nabiki demanded, chasing after him.  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
"You're trying to kill me!" Ryoga cried.  
"I am not!" Nabiki protested. "Now put your shirt on."  
"No! Every time I finish dressing you splash me with cold water and make me dance s'more!" Ryoga said. "No shirt, no water, no dancing."  
"Aren't you cold?" Nabiki asked.  
"Extremely." Ryoga nodded. "That doesn't mean I want to turn into a piglet again."  
"I see . . . well Ryoga . . ." Nabiki sighed. "I'm afraid . . . we're going to keep going until you do something right. And no, keeping the shirt off won't keep me from splashing you." She splashed him again.  
'Stop doing that!' Ryoga thought. 'Or do you want me to show you why Ranma doesn't pick me up if he can avoid it? These teeth are lethal weapons!' but all he could say was "BUKEE!"  
"That had better not be a piggy curse!" Nabiki warned, waving a kettle of hot water. "Because I may just let you stay P-Chan all night if it were to mean . . . something . . . unkind."  
'Curse you!' Ryoga thought. 'How did you know that that was what it meant?' His dry humor (or wet humor, or whatever) was lost on Nabiki for two reasons. First of all she couldn't read his mind, second of all she was already making a list of the people she'd allow to live on her island, she was oblivious to everything. 


	6. Practice Makes Perfect! Lemon

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma ½ or any of the characters from it.  
  
NEWS FLASH!!!  
This is where I would have had two chapters, 6a and 6b. 6b being optional read, 6a being the "real" chapter. The two chapters ARE NOT THE SAME however they share some similar scenes from different points of view, showing you the thoughts of other characters for this one time. However after re-examining the rules I decided that this was probably what got me into trouble, if not it might have eventually, though the chapters WERE NOT THE SAME THING I'm taking no chances since I'd like the story to *stay* up this time.  
Well now that we cant have an optional read chapter, Part 6 is a lemon. Part 6b should have been the lemon. This was an idea thought up to make the lemon chapters optional read, there for those who wanted it and optional to those who didn't want to or shouldn't read such chapters. Now, because I'd really love not to be banned, we're not doing that, so tough cookies.   
We've gone and merged the two chapters, now you get basically two chapters in one and with the bonus of a *poorly* done lemon scene between Akane and Ranma. I know you were expecting Ryoga and Nabiki, what can I say? Too bad, maybe next time? It's far too soon? Nabiki has a headache?  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 6  
Practice Makes Perfect! (Lemon)  
  
Setting: Soun Train and The G Spot are at a bar hitting it up. Or knocking it down, whatever, I don't know the slang, I've never been to a bar . . . I don't drink . . . I'm told I'm not human.  
As far as they know all the kids are at home, Genma hopes Ranma is knocking up one or more of Tendo's daughters so he don't have to avoid his wife no more, and Tendo is hoping the exact opposite because he isn't ready to be a grandfather. Besides, he likes Genma's wife 'a lot' (jez kidding)  
  
Soun and Genma sat in the bar enjoying their beers, and getting utterly plastered as usual. (Is plastered the right word for it?) That's when the bar TV came on and an American guy was talking about something.  
"Isn't that Cologne?" Soun asked.  
"I think it is." Genma said.  
"This is Phil Satyr saying good fight, good night. Remember folks, were only going to be in Japan for one more showing, the winners of our contest get a free trip for two to Hawaii and one million American dollars to spend there, or save, who cares what they do with the money, because for us it's a heck of a tax write off, and working on this show counts as community service hours for me!"  
"What is this garbage?" Genma asked.  
"It's just ending." The bar tender said. "It's called 'When Pets do Dumb Crap' it's an American show that's here in Japan to see what our pets can do."  
Soun laughed wickedly. "Hey Genma, you thinking what I'm thinking?"  
"No way, Tendo!" Genma coughed. "Not if I were the last panda on earth!"  
"So anyway good night Japan!"  
"One more showing eh?" Soun asked.  
"Oh yes," The bartender asked. "You see they film one episode every two weeks. They air the episode every day for a week then they air the next one. So when he says 'one more showing' he means it. He doesn't mean, one more showing five months ago"  
"Huh?" Soun asked, a little too plastered to catch on.  
"Okay, they show it for a whole week right? Then it disappears for a week. During that week they're waiting for new people to bring in their idiot pets."  
"Oh! Oh I see!" Genma laughed.  
"We can win it Saotome!" Soun cried.  
"Not on your life Tendo!" Genma protested. "I will never go on a game show for your sake!"  
"The prize is one million American dollars and a trip to Hawaii." The bar tender added. "So even if you guys wanted to enter, you'd have to have some pretty amazing animal talent."  
Soun and Genma looked at each other . . .  
"Where do we sign up?" Soun demanded.  
"Whoa now! You gotta pay your tab first!" The bar tender protested.  
  
Azusa smiled sweetly when the ninjas appeared at her doorway.  
"What do you want short girl with the bouncy hair?" One of them demanded.  
"Azusa wants her Charlotte!" Azusa said happily. "Azusa's spy network has told her that  
Charlotte is at the home of that mean Akane girl and her nasty mean sister!"  
"Spy network?" One of the ninjas questioned.  
The young lady offered no explanation. "Azusa will pay you lots of money to take her there and then steal Charlotte for her!"  
"Money you say?"  
  
Meanwhile the Tendo house is empty. Nabiki and P-Chan are in the dojo, and Kasumi is feeding the fish in the pond but the house itself is empty. Soun and Genma are getting drunk again, Ranma and Akane are at Ukyo's. This COULD be a romantic opportunity for a certain young woman and her sister's pet pig if only . . .  
"Ryoga! Get it right! You spin around on your head!" Nabiki cried.  
'That's break dancing!' Ryoga thought in protest. 'And I can't do it with this afro!'  
Nabiki tossed some hot water on Ryoga, and threw him his cloths. "What's wrong with you?  
Don't you care that a million American dollars would be enough for me-eh us to start new successful lives in a land of freedom?"  
"I don't want to move to America!" Ryoga protested.  
"Who said anything about America?" Nabiki scoffed. "I was gonna buy my own country,  
Nabiki-Land! From there I can launch strikes against key targets and force the world to obey my  
every order!"  
Ryoga frowned. Nabiki sighed. "And it'd be a land of freedom?" Ryoga asked after a long uncomfortable silence.  
"For me, yes." Nabiki said. "For everyone else? Well . . . I just don't care."  
"Oh . . . okay . . ." Ryoga shook his head.  
"We win this money and you can consider your debt to me paid in full Ryoga-baby, and you'll have enough money to *buy* Akane from our father!"  
"But I don't want to buy her, I want her to fall in love with me for who I am." Ryoga said.  
Nabiki smiled warmly. "That's so sweet . . . NOW BACK TO WORK!" She snapped, her mood change shocking Ryoga as she threw a bucket of cold water on him. "Dance piggy! Dance darn you! Come now, practice makes perfect and you're gonna be perfect for that show or else!"  
  
Some HOURS later . . .  
  
"You're trying to kill me!" Ryoga cried.  
"I am not!" Nabiki protested. "Now put your shirt on."  
"No! Every time I finish dressing you splash me with cold water and make me dance s'more!"  
Ryoga said. "No shirt, no water, no dancing."  
"Aren't you cold?" Nabiki asked.  
"Extremely." Ryoga nodded. "That doesn't mean I want to turn into a piglet again."  
"I see . . . well Ryoga . . ." Nabiki sighed. "I'm afraid . . . we're going to keep going until you do something right. And no, keeping the shirt off won't keep me from splashing you." She splashed him again.  
'Stop doing that!' Ryoga thought. 'Or do you want me to show you why Ranma doesn't pick me up if he can avoid it? These teeth are lethal weapons!' but all he could say was "BUKEE!"  
"That had better not be a piggy curse!" Nabiki warned, waving a kettle of hot water. "Because I may just let you stay P-Chan all night if it were to mean . . . something . . . unkind."  
'Curse you!' Ryoga thought. 'How did you know that that was what it meant?' His dry humor (or wet humor, or whatever) was lost on Nabiki for two reasons. First of all she couldn't read his mind, second of all she was already making a list of the people she'd allow to live on her island, she was oblivious to everything.  
Ryoga sighed and went back to work trying to learn to disco as a piglet. It was hard because he couldn't stand on two legs for very long, and worst of all the gold medallion set him off and made him fall forward. When he wore it backwards things were better, but Nabiki would quickly warn him that that didn't look 'cool' at all. Then she'd hit him on the head with a newspaper.  
"Oh, and we'll need some one like Ukyo as the royal chef . . . not Shampoo though I cant stand her! I should invite Kasumi during holidays . . . maybe even Akane if she isn't rearing Ranma-spawn by next Christmas. How much does the American dollar come out to in Japanese Yen? Not as much right? Now that's the sort of thing I usually know . . ."  
'*I* certainly thought you'd know it.' Ryoga agreed as he got a move right. 'Hey! Check me out! I'm getting down 'wit 'ma bad old self! Oh yeah! Go Ryoga! Go Ryoga! It's yer birthday-' and he fell on his little face, smashing his piglet snout. "K-KEEE!"  
"Hey! Stop playing around over there!" Nabiki ordered.  
"SQUEEE!" 'Bite me!'  
"Don't mess with me piggy!" Nabiki warned.  
"KEEE!" the little pig shook it's 'fist' at her. 'I wanna go home! If only I knew where home was . . .'  
"Okay, that's it!" She announced, whacking him on the head with a newspaper.  
Ryoga growled at her and tired to bite the newspaper as she swiped at him again.  
He got it and tore it to shreds, Nabiki poured hot water over him and he became normal again.  
"Okay Ryoga." She said, dejectedly. "You can go wonder off now. Go look for Akane, go challenge Ranma, whatever it is you do." She said whimpering. "I'll . . . I'll just have to find some other way to make the lives of my family easier . . . I thought a half a million dollars would be it . . . but . . . I guess not . . ." she said, choking back tears.  
Ryoga however knew she was full of crap and shrugged. "'S cool. See ya then." He said, waving as he walked off. Then he felt the kettle hit the back of his head and he fell face forward.  
"HEY!" Nabiki shouted. "You sorry excuse for a man! You must be some real jerk to just be able to ignore a crying woman! If I were Ranma's mom, I'd gut you like a fish!"  
"Ouch!" Ryoga groaned.  
"First you rip up my newspaper, then you walk out on me? What kind of man are you? Thank god I'm not your wife!" Nabiki ranted.  
"Amen to that last part." Ryoga grunted, bringing himself to his feet.  
"Go ahead then. Beat it." Nabiki said evenly. "I don't need you to win that money, even though I'd have split it with you. I'll just find some other transforming idiot." Nabiki said.  
"You go and do that! My head aches!" Ryoga said, rubbing the back of his head.  
Nabiki shrugged. "To bad . . . I guess I'll just have to use Genma, he'd be all for a quick buck."  
"Actually he probably *would* learn disco for a million dollars." Ryoga said.  
"But you just go!" Nabiki continued. "And . . . don't worry, I wont tell Akane about you being P-Chan . . . since we've got a contract."  
"Thank you!" Ryoga exclaimed.  
"But you still owe me hard labor for those pants!"  
"A debt I'll pay after I stretch my legs." Ryoga said.  
"Don't feed me that junk!" Nabiki scoffed. "You go for a walk to the other end of the room and I won't see you for another week!"  
"By then the show will be over and I won't have to dance!" Ryoga laughed wickedly. He ran for dear life, though Nabiki didn't bother to go after him. She'd just have to think of another way to get him to do what she wanted, because after dancing in pig form Ryoga was beginning to think that just letting Akane know who he was would be less painful than having to wear an afro.  
  
Genma relaxed in the Tendo living room. Nabiki emerged from some unseen corner of the eye, and placed a large mug of beer in front of a recently sobered Genma.  
"What's this for?" Genma asked.  
"I need a pet!" Nabiki said sternly. "So I can win one million dollars!"  
"It's below my station as a martial arts master." Genma said. "And besides, why would I want to pose as someone's pet when my wife isn't around?" He chuckled, but he wondered: 'How does she know about the million dollars?'  
Nabiki turned and walked off in a huff, Genma grinned and took the beer she'd left him. He took a big gulp and coughed it out. "What the-light beer? How dare she!? I knew there was something fishy!"  
  
Nabiki growled when Genma told her he would in fact not be able to assist her with that show.  
She'd decided she'd just have to figure out how to talk Shampoo into being her incredibly stupid pet cat. 'Stupid Ryoga! Walking out on ME after all I've done for him!' Nabiki thought bitterly.  
Hmm . . . then again, maybe this show wasn't such a good idea. A million American dollars?  
What'd that come out to? Like a thousand-yen or something? Had to be if they were offering so much. And then a trip to Hawaii to play tourist? Why bother when she could be setting up the foundations of Nabiki-Land! Hey! That sounds more like a theme park! Maybe she could make a theme park instead! That way people would pay to enter!  
  
Ryoga was desperately wandering the Tendo household trying to find some means of escape. He was like a caged bird, he had a strange urge to wander off and spend a month or longer trying to figure out how to get back. He was sure that if he ran off to some place far off and brought back a cool souvenir Akane would be his forever!  
'Yeah right!'  
Huh? Did he just think that? Ryoga sighed and slumped in front of someone's door. A quick check showed that it was Akane's. There was a lot of strange sounds coming from inside . . . hmm . . . sounded like . . . fighting! There was shouting and things were being thrown aside.  
Ryoga leapt to his feet and turned to the door. He opened it quickly and shouted "Akane! Are you-" he paused when he saw that Akane was not there. Instead it was Azusa and five guys in black.  
"Oh not again!" Ryoga sighed.  
"Azusa is here for her Charlotte!" Azusa cried.  
"Charlotte isn't going with you!" Ryoga scoffed.  
"If you know where that pig is," one of the ninjas said "then tell us, if you do you can forgo a painful death!"  
Ryoga scoffed. "You must be kidding. Look at you fools, searching beautiful Akane's room for a pig? Never, I promise you, will I EVER go with Azusa and be called Charlotte again!"  
"Huh?" One of the ninjas asked.  
Ryoga frowned. "Eh . . . that's what the pig would say." Ryoga said. 'Good save.' He thought.  
"Azusa remembers you now!" Azusa squealed. "You're the boy who wore Charlotte's collar! You're my charlotte!"  
"Like beans I am!" Ryoga cried.  
"You like beans?" Azusa wondered.  
"That's the pig?" One guy asked.  
"I dunno, last time we really did come back with a little black pig." Another guy said.  
"Hahaha! Hey Ryoga!" Ranma cried. "Check this out!"  
Ryoga turned in Ranma's direction in time to see a water balloon hit him. He tried to shout at Ranma, but he could no longer form words.  
'Of all the bad timing! Ranma you jerk!' Ryoga thought, screaming the other boy's name in his head.  
"Ranma!" Akane cried, coming down the hallway. "I told you not to throw that in the house-hey! P-Chan you're all wet!"  
"Charlotte!" Azusa cried, lunging on Ryoga.  
"Did you see that? That guy just turned into a pig!" One of the ninjas cried.  
"What black magic is this?" Another exclaimed.  
"Let's get out of here!"  
"Hey! What are you doing with P-Chan?" Akane cried.  
"This is Azusa's whittle Charlotte!" Azusa cried. "You can't have my Charlotte!"  
"Okay Azusa, you've got a major screw loose!" Ranma shouted.  
"Give my P-Chan BACK!" Akane screamed.  
Akane rushed for Azusa, but Azusa grabbed P-Chan firmly by the bandanna and leapt out the window along with her five ninjas. Then they ran off to the large limousine.  
Ryoga was NOT going to go with Azusa! Not again! He focused all his piggy energy and bit down on her hand as hard as he could.  
"AAAIIIIEEEE! Bad Charlotte!" Azusa cried, dropping Ryoga who wasted no time running for dear life.  
Then a huge dog barreled into the limousine and sent Azusa flying! The ninjas leapt off over rooftops to escape.  
"Oh! That doggy is so cute! Come here Mercedes! Mercedes!" Azusa cried.  
The dog gave Azusa a weird look. Then looked at Ryoga as if to say 'does she always do that?'  
Ryoga found himself nodding. The dog shook its head as if in pity. Then it ran after Ryoga, barking like a demon.  
Ryoga ran around the Tendo yard squealing like a . . . well, like a pig really.  
It was like a scene from a cartoon where the cat chases the mouse and the dog chases the cat around circles. Instead it was the dog chasing the pig and Azusa chasing the dog around in circles screaming "Mercedes! Charlotte!"  
Ryoga had had enough! He stopped suddenly, the dog stopped, Azusa plowed into the dog and landed in a heap. Ryoga then ran like mad, he didn't care which direction he was running in (nor would it have mattered if he did since he'd never end up where he wanted to anyway)  
Akane ran into the yard waving a lawn gnome threateningly, but Azusa was already dragging an unconscious German Shepherd into her car and Akane assumed that P-Chan was with her!  
"P-Chan!" She screamed.  
"Mercedes!" Azusa corrected her, hugging the unconscious dog lovingly. She closed the limousine door and off they drove!  
Akane came inside in a huff. "That stupid Azusa stole P-Chan again!" She announced.  
"Doesn't learn does she?" Nabiki sighed as she got off the phone with Shampoo.  
"We have to go get P-Chan!" Akane said.  
Nabiki glanced outside and saw a little black thing running around a potted plant. "I'll get him tomorrow, I eh . . . already have a plan. Yeah that's it."  
"Oh THANK YOU Nabiki!" Akane cried.  
"Eh . . . why don't you go get some sleep?" Nabiki offered.  
  
P-Chan/Ryoga ran through the Tendo yard. To him it was a mysterious jungle! He had to  
discover the way out! He had to find Akane!  
However he didn't find Akane. Instead he wondered the entire yard for years! (Minutes) and he knew in his heart that he'd die alone and without Akane's love! (Probably true)  
It wasn't until a half-hour later that Nabiki found him circling a potted plant.  
  
"Wow! P-Chan you're terrible!" She cried.  
P-Chan gave her a confused look. Yep, that was Ryoga alright.  
"Yeah, well guess what? Genma won't help me out, neither will Shampoo, and I cant use Mousse.  
So . . . yeah. Well you wanna be human or you cool with being a pork chop for the rest of the night?" Nabiki asked. P-Chan nodded vigorously when she said the word "Human" so she decided to tease him. "What's that?" Nabiki grinned. "You want to stay a piggy? Oh okay then Ryoga."  
Nabiki smiled and took Ryoga back to the dojo where she poured a kettle of hot water on him.  
He dressed quickly and glanced at her. "How many days was I out there wondering around?" He asked.  
"Wow!" Nabiki gasped. Surprised at how stupid that question was. "Not only have you got no sense of direction, but you have no sense of time flow either! You were out there circling that plant for a full on half hour." She said.  
"You mean you knew where I was?" Ryoga asked. "For a full half hour no less, and didn't get come me?"  
"Revenge for walking out on me." Nabiki shrugged. "Akane was in tears when she came in and said how you were kidnapped and so I went out to look for you, found you but decided to come back for you later."  
"Why did you come looking for me?" Ryoga asked. "Thought you could convince me to help you with the stupid game show?"  
"Yes." Nabiki said simply.  
"Well . . . you're wrong. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got places to be."  
"Such as?" Nabiki asked.  
"I'm not sure." Ryoga admitted. "But I ought to know when I get there."  
Nabiki tried to look pitiful. "You really wont help me out?" She asked.  
"Nope." Ryoga said cruelly. "It's humiliating, and I don't even like disco."  
Nabiki nodded. "Okay then." She sighed. "But you know you're still my slave for another month right?" She asked, extending the period by a week or so, give or take a day.   
"A month?" Ryoga asked.  
"You heard me lost boy, a month." Nabiki said smiling wickedly. "Now, shall I drop you off at Akane's room or will you be okay on your own?"  
"I don't really feel like bugging Akane tonight."  
"She's pretty upset." Nabiki said. "I'm sure she'd love for you to go see her. In your pig form that is."  
"Yeah . . . that's the problem." Ryoga sighed. "I'm nothing to her except as P-Chan."  
"Yes well . . . it's late. I pity you, I truly do but . . . I don't care. G'night Ryoga." Nabiki said casually. She got up and walked away. Ryoga walked after her, probably didn't want to get lost in the dojo.  
  
Akane tossed and turned in bed, her forehead covered in sweat. Oh the cruel things Azusa would do to poor P-Chan! They wracked her dreams . . . whatever wrack means.  
"Oh P-Chan!" Akane cried. "Come home P-Chan!"  
"No!" P-Chan said stubbornly. "I don't wanna come home!"  
"I'll feed you!" Akane cried.  
"No! You feed me that crap you cook, and I keel over!" P-Chan said firmly.  
"Oh P-Chan! Don't you remember me? It's me! Akane! I found you under my bed that night not so long ago!"  
"It was VERY long ago, and just because you find a little piglet under your bed doesn't mean you  
own it! I mean, if some tart found YOU hiding under her bed and claimed ownership over you, they'd lock her up for kidnapping!"  
"What are you saying P-Chan?" Akane cried.  
"I'm saying I don't wanna be your pet! I hate being your pet!" P-Chan snapped.  
"P-CHAN!" Akane screamed, waking from her fevered sleep. "R-Ranma!" Akane whimpered.  
  
Ranma woke up, feeling Akane shaking him.  
"Ranma!" She cried. "I had the most terrible dream! P-Chan was talking, and he said he didn't want to be my pet any more!"  
Ranma glared at Akane for a second. Then he went back to sleep.  
"RANMA!" Akane snapped.  
"Aww jeez Akane!" Ranma sighed. "Look, P-Chan would never not want to be yer pet. Believe me, Ry-er P-Chan loves you a *lot* more than ya think."  
"B-B-But Azusa!" Akane cried. "She won't stop stealing my P-Chan!"  
"And every time she does, we'll get 'im back. But how about we wait for the morning?"  
"Ranma!" Akane whimpered.  
"This is gettin' old!" Ranma sighed. "C'mon Akane, it's late, I'm tired, if you don't notice–I don't care about yer dream, so . . . lets get-cha back up to yer room." Ranma added when Akane looked like she might fall back asleep where she was.  
He led her up to her room, the whole time she mumbled about how she'd break Azusa's legs and take P-Chan back. All things considered Ranma might just beat her to the punch! He was dog-tired and having Akane wake him up wasn't cool at all! He'd probably break Mikado's legs just for fun. Damn that sex obsessed neurotic! Damn him for that kiss for which Ranma still felt he hadnt exacted enough revenge.  
Suddenly Ranma was being kissed again. This time by Akane.  
'Hmm . . . that ain't a good sign . . .' Ranma thought. 'Either she's more messed up than I thought or there's a whole other level of sleep walkin' I never heard about.'  
But next he looked Akane was sound asleep. "Lets just hope she stays that way." Ranma said to himself.  
  
Kasumi was cleaning dishes extra late that night. She noticed Akane wander into the small room that Ranma and Genma shared. She then noticed Ranma escort Akane back up. Were her sisters in heat or something? They were both spending so much time alone with boys! It was starting to worry Kasumi, but Ranma soon came back down without Akane and Kasumi calmed down. "Oh, well I guess it's nothing." She said happily to herself.  
  
Akane slept again, this time her dream was quite different. Ranma moved his hand over her thigh, to her stomach and over her breasts. She closed her eyes tight as Ranma leaned close and kissed her, she felt a shudder go through her spine when he wrapped his arms around her and held her close.  
"Oh Akane, I love you so much. You're a queen! A goddess even!"  
"Yes I know." Akane agreed. "But please, continue."  
"Okay. Anyway, you're beauty in its purest form! Ukyo, Shampoo, Kodachi, Kasumi and Nabiki, they're all just . . . just so plain compared to you!" He said, Akane's cheeks turned red under the endless barrage of flattery that she so totally deserved.  
"I'd also have accepted ugly, but plain works." Akane said as Ranma began kissing her neck. "Oh Ranma!" She cried. "I'm so happy you finally realize that I'm the only woman you could ever love!"  
"I've always known it!" Ranma announced. He kissed her, and held her tighter. "But you're so beautiful, I'm so unworthy . . ."  
"Yes . . . you are." Akane nodded. She positioned herself under him, and immediately felt herself filled with Ranmas powerful eh . . . thing. "Oh Ranma!" She gasped.  
But Ranma didn't listen to her, he held her tight and thrust in and out of her, she clenched her fists and closed her eyes tight. She was so wet inside, and it felt so good! The warmth, the friction, oh god she and Ranma were actually doing 'it' they were one person now, they were Rankane! No! Akanma!  
She moaned softly as Ranma continued to thrust . . . in . . . out . . . in . . . oh god it felt so good! She felt like she was on fire, the friction, it was so warm! She felt herself explode, her legs felt weak, her heart skipped a beat.  
Then Ranma smiled wickedly and kissed her some more. Akane wrapped her arms around his neck. "Oh Ranma!" She sighed. "You're incredible!" she added, initiating post-sex pillow talk, just like the movie stars had taught her.  
"I haven't even gotten started." Ranma said simply.  
Ranma got Akane on all fours, and then he was doing it again, thrusting in and out of her, she closed her eyes tight again and clenched her fists . . . oh if only this would never end . . .   
  
Akane tossed and turned in her sleep again, she grunted and groaned and eventually she fell out of bed and hit her head on her nightstand. "Ouch!" She cried. "Hey!" She thought. "What was I dreaming about? Must have been something exciting for me to fall out of bed . . . I know it had something to do with Ranma . . ." She closed her eyes and had flashes of her dirty dream. She looked around to see if anyone was in the room. "I know! I remember now! I was kicking his butt at martial arts! Yeah!" Akane told herself.  
And we'll leave it at that.  
  
Ryoga wandered the halls of the Tendo home, wondering where he'd find Akane's room. He found one room with the door gone and realized it must be Nabiki's.  
He walked by it, wondering if it'd help him gain his barring and figure out which way to Akane's room.  
"Hey piggy. Come to fix that door at last?" Nabiki yawned.   
'Fix it yourself.' Ryoga thought. 'I've just had a close encounter of the unfriendly kind with the garden hose, apparently you people forgot to turn it off.'  
"Who turned ya back into a pig anyway?" Nabiki yawned. "Oh, never mind, you can't talk." She smiled. "So, you can't find Akane's room? Or are you still trying to escape me?" Nabiki added with a wry laugh. She sat up and walked to her door. She knelt in front Ryoga and picked him up. She carried him back to her bed, cradling him like some sort of infant.   
'Hey! Don't do that!' Ryoga thought.  
"Might as well just go to sleep, it's almost morning Ryoga-baby." Nabiki yawned. "You can use this pillow, just don't get any fleas on me.  
'I don't have fleas!' Ryoga thought. 'But . . . hey this pillow is pretty comfy . . . okay maybe I'll sleep in here tonight, but don't tell Akane . . .' Ryoga thought as he slowly drifted off to sleep.  
  
Meanwhile, 'Mercedes' was trying to bite Azusa's neck but the stupid girl had put a muzzle on him. But he vowed he'd find that pig! He'd find that pig, and he'd find out how that pig turned into a human! Then his days of dodging dogcatchers were over! Oh yes! All he had to do was find that pig! Then he's buy all the lady dogs he wanted, set up a kennel for his own pleasure, that'd be neat!  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .   
"Oh look!" Akane said happily. "They *are* together! Did you see them kiss?"  
"Looked like an accident to me." Ranma said. "And now Ryoga is crying."  
"Tears of joy at finding his one true love!" Akane said. "See how she comforts him in his tears?"  
"Buck up ya loser! What kind of man are you?" Nabiki shouted at Ryoga.  
"Their love was written in the scrolls of Valhalla, they shall be together forever just as Pharaoh and Ceaser, as Athena and Telemachos, as Penelope and Agamemnon, as Castor and Pollux, and as Loki and Skadi before them, as I and Dr. Tofu are meant to be!"  
"Now you sound kind of like Kuno." Ranma observed. "I'm no whiz, but I'm pretty sure none of those couples got together, also pretty sure at least one of them was a same sex coupling and . . . hey wait a minute-I thought you were over Tofu!"  
Akane blinked. "Hmm? Did I say something about Tofu? I meant to say . . . eh . . . Mikado."  
"MIKADO!?" Ranma cried. "WHY MIKADO?" 


	7. Rock Hard Competition

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I regret nothing. I don't own Ranma ½. I don't even own the Original Character who's hosting When Pets do Dumb Crap! He is an Originial Fitional Person by JFalcon and I have permission to use him so there! (I did name his assistant Joe, but I don't claim ownership over him) And IF there is a show called When Pets do Dumb Crap, I don't own that either.  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 7  
Rock Hard Competition  
  
Nabiki yawned and sat up in bed the next morning. She stretched out, looked around. Decided it wasn't time to wake up yet and laid back down. She landed on top of something hard.  
"Huh?"  
"BUKEE!"  
"Oh!" Nabiki sweat dropped. "Eh . . . sorry Ryoga-baby." Nabiki said honestly. "I forgot you were there."  
"K-KEE!"  
"Don't be like that!" Nabiki argued. "I said I was sorry."  
"SQUEEE!"  
"Okay! Okay! You win!" Nabiki yawned. She grabbed P-Chan and in somewhat of a sleeping walking state she dragged him into the wash room and filled a bucket with hot water. She put it down in front of P-Chan who made no move towards it. She put some of Ryoga's cloths in front of the bucket and walked out. There was some loud noises from inside and then Ryoga came out fully dressed.  
"Where did you get my cloths?" Ryoga asked.  
"If I tell you, I'll have to bill you." Nabiki said, putting a spin on the 'If I tell you I'll have to kill you' line.  
Ryoga frowned. He shook his head. "What a head ache. You smashed me!"  
"I said I was sorry." Nabiki said.  
"Did you?" Ryoga asked. "Oh, well I don't understand human-tongue when I'm a pig."  
"Liar." Nabiki scoffed.  
Ryoga grinned. "Wanna bet?"  
"Oh don't go there." Nabiki grinned back. "You'll never beat me in a bet. Now, step aside I need a shower."  
"I second that opinion." Ryoga said. Nabiki elbowed him and kicked him out of the room.  
  
"Oh! Hello Ryoga!" Kasumi said. "You're welcome to breakfast. We have extra, father and Uncle Saotome left home early today and left their breakfast behind."  
"Uh, thank you." Ryoga said.  
"When did you arrive? I was awake at sunrise." Kasumi said. "Did you spend the night?"  
"I . . . eh . . . slept in a closet." Ryoga said, feeling bad about lying to Kasumi.  
"I'll remember to leave a pillow in each closet then." Kasumi said with a big smile.  
Ryoga grinned. "Gee that'd be great." He sat down at the table and ate quickly. However Nabiki came down before he could finish and escape. 'Damn my stomach! I should have just ran.' Ryoga thought.   
"Good morning Nabiki!" Kasumi enthused. "Did you know Ryoga slept in a closet?"  
"Did he?" Nabiki grinned at Ryoga. "Too bad. I might have had extra room in my bed if it weren't for that little porker of Akane's."  
"I don't think father would approve of you two sharing a bed anyway." Kasumi said, oblivious.  
Nabiki laughed wickedly, Ryoga just lowered his head and blushed. Kasumi was oblivious though and so she eventually started laughing too.  
"Why are *you* laughing?" Nabiki asked.  
"I don't know." Kasumi admitted. "Why are *you* laughing?" she seemed to be honestly curious.  
"Just thought of something funny." Nabiki shrugged. "So Ryoga-honey, you are coming with me to school today."  
"When P-Chan flies." Ryoga said.  
Nabiki glared at him for a second. "Did it sound like I was *asking* you?" She asked calmly.  
Ryoga smiled weakly. "But I . . . eh . . . I gotta go to my *own* school."  
"Don't try that on me, you don't go to school." Nabiki said.  
"Yes . . . why don't you go to school, Ryoga?" Kasumi asked.  
"I eh . . . can't find it." Ryoga said.  
"Makes sense to me." Nabiki said.  
"Sounds like our Ryoga." Kasumi agreed.  
"Do you think Nabiki and Ryoga are going out?" Akane asked.  
"No." Ranma shrugged. "But I do think it's dumb for us to spy on them, were all going to the same place ain't we?"  
"I don't want them to see us." Akane said. "Maybe they'll kiss! See how they're holding hands?"  
Ranma frowned. "How well do you know Ryoga? 'Cause if ya just met him, what you just said wouldn't sound so stupid. If anything she's hold'in his hand to keep him from getting lost!"  
"Then why is she taking him to school with her?" Akane whispered challenge to Ranma.  
"Probably to duel me again."  
"She wouldn't set up another duel so quickly." Akane shook her head. "It must be love!"  
  
"Will you let go of my hand? I'm not so bad that I cant just follow you." Ryoga said.  
"Last time you walked into the street."  
"That was just because I was tired." Ryoga protested.  
"Besides, I'm irking Akane."  
"Huh?" Ryoga asked. "Doing what to Akane?"  
"She and her gender-switching boyfriend are following us." Nabiki explained. "Have been since we left."  
"Why is that strange? You go to the same school."  
"She usually walks a different way with Ranma." Nabiki said.  
"Really?" Ryoga asked. "Akane is jealous of us? Akane is jealous of ME?" Ryoga's heart flew in the clouds happily.  
"No." Nabiki said. Ryoga's heart crashed. "I think she's just curious. If you were just a little bit cuter I'd kiss you to see how she reacted."  
"A little bit cuter?!" Ryoga demanded. "I'm plenty cute!" Then he regretted saying it.  
"I guess that's true. Do you want me to kiss you then?" Nabiki asked, raising an eyebrow.  
"God knows you kiss P-Chan enough-I mean NO!" Ryoga said, but Nabiki grinned wickedly and moved to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. However martial arts training and a sort of spider sense was the opposite of useful for once. Ryoga turned to face her attack in time for her lips to meet his instead of his cheek.  
Ryoga frowned. He'd kissed Nabiki . . . in front of Akane . . . his chances with Akane were officially ruined . . .  
  
"Oh look!" Akane said happily. "They *are* together! Did you see them kiss?"  
"Looked like an accident to me." Ranma said. "And now Ryoga is crying."  
"Tears of joy at finding his one true love!" Akane said. "See how she comforts him in his tears?"  
"Buck up ya loser! What kind of man are you?" Nabiki shouted at Ryoga.  
"Their love was written in the scrolls of Valhalla, they shall be together forever just as Pharaoh and Ceaser, as Athena and Telemachos, as Penelope and Agamemnon, as Castor and Pollux, and as Loki and Skadi before them, and as I and Dr. Tofu are meant to be!"  
"Now you sound kind of like Kuno." Ranma observed. "I'm no whiz, but I'm pretty sure none of those couples got together, also pretty sure at least one of them was a same sex coupling and . . . hey wait a minute-I thought you were over Tofu!"  
Akane blinked. "Hmm? Did I say something about Tofu? I meant to say . . . eh . . . Mikado."  
"MIKADO!?" Ranma cried. "WHY MIKADO?"  
  
"It wasn't that bad." Nabiki said. "Don't be such a baby." She avoided facing Ryoga directly, keeping pace ahead of him. Partially because she was insulted that he'd react that way to her kiss, partially because she didn't want him to know she was blushing.  
"Easy for you to say! That wasn't even your first kiss! To think mine would be given to me not only by a girl who doesn't even like me, but on accident!"  
"I don't *not* like you, I just don't *like* like you." Nabiki pointed out, "If we were in college, I might even let you get me drunk, then sleep with you. Anyway that was *not* your first kiss!" Nabiki protested. "Don't think I don't know about you and what's-her-face. The girl with the sumo-pigs."  
"What? Oh yeah . . . but Akane was watching this time!"  
"If it's any consequence to you she's fuming with jealous anger." Nabiki lied.  
"Really?"  
"Yes." Nabiki said. "She squeezed Ranma's arm so hard when we kissed she must have broken a bone or something." Nabiki continued her lies. Hey, if it made Ryoga feel any better . . . after all she still needed him for that stupid contest.  
  
The kiss from hell aside, the day itself went uneventfully. Nabiki was ruthless, she decided to accept a bet to see wether or not Ryoga could stand on his head. When he proved that he could she made him stand on his head in every class just because it amused her. Of course the instructors didn't dare speak up. Ryoga wondered what Nabiki had that'd scare them so.  
During lunch Ryoga made five escape attempts, each time Nabiki or one of her friends would catch him mid dash. Ranma even caught him once.  
"I though it was a game!" Ranma protested to an angry Ryoga.  
"A GAME! A game? I'm in serious danger here!"  
But then the day got interesting when Ranma shouted "Hey Nabiki! I caught your boyfriend for ya!"  
"Kinnosuke? Oh! Ryoga?" Nabiki frowned. "He's not my boyfriend."  
"Y'hear that Ryoga?" Ranma asked. "She's two timing ya buddy!"  
Ryoga sighed. Nabiki walked over and slapped him 'gently' "Don't run off like that!" She said. "I'll get handcuffs if you keep this up."  
"Kinky." Ranma grinned.  
Ryoga was about to punch Ranma really hard, but Nabiki beat him to it, kicking Ranma in the crotch.  
"OUCH!" Ranma cried.  
"OUCH!" Ryoga sympathized.  
"Beat it!" Nabiki commanded Ranma, who obediently waddled away.  
"Oh my god!" Ryoga gasped. "You kicked Ranma's butt!"  
"Balls actually." Nabiki said.  
"She did not!" Ranma shouted in his female voice.  
"He's talking like Ranko and he hasn't even transformed!" Ryoga said in surprise.  
"He wasn't expecting it. I really thought he'd jump away." Nabiki shrugged.  
"Who cares?" Ryoga demanded. "You never kick a guy below the belt!" he didnt want to admit he was now idolizing her for doing in a single move what he couldnt manage at all.  
"Why not?" Nabiki demanded.  
"It just hurts to much to be fair." Ryoga guessed.  
"Really? I'll have to remember that." Nabiki said calmly.  
However the day was not done being . . . interesting. A large hot air balloon drifted into the schoolyard and out jumped Azusa and a huge German Shepherd.  
"Azusa and Mercedes challenge you!" Azusa cried, pointing at Nabiki.  
"What? Why me?" Nabiki asked. "Hey Ryoga, if I kick her between the legs will she run off like Ranma did?" Nabiki asked, Ryoga was surprised when he realized that Nabiki was honestly curious.  
"Probably not." Ryoga said. "But who knows? She *is* pretty weird."  
"Azusa doesn't mean fighting!" Azusa cried. "Azusa wants to see you and Charlotte (Azusa pointed to Ryoga) at the 'When Pets do Dumb Crap' auditions! If Azusa wins she takes her Charlotte! If Mean sister of Akane wins she gets to take Mercedes!"  
'Mercedes' didn't seem interested in waiting for the competition to go home with Nabiki. He rushed forward and started humping Nabiki's leg.  
"You again!?" Nabiki shouted. "Gerroff me! Gerroff me!"  
Ryoga pulled the now very annoyed dog away from an even more annoyed Nabiki. "Okay Azure!" Nabiki shouted. "But let's adjust the bet! If P-Chan and I win you pay us one million yen each!"  
"In mean girl's dreams!" Azusa cried.  
"Pay us both a half million times two!" Nabiki reasoned.  
"Fair enough." Azusa cried. "But Azusa won't lose! And Azusa will take Charlotte home!" She declared, pointing at Ryoga over and over again. "Be brave darling Charlotte, Azusa will take you home soon!"  
"I eh . . . I don't know what your talking about." Ryoga said. "My name is-"  
"P-Chan!" Ranma whispered over his shoulder.  
'That didn't work the first time he tried it, what makes him think It'd work now? Idiot.' Ryoga wondered. "P-Chan!" 'Doh!' "I meat Ryoga!"  
"P-Chan?" Akane wondered.  
"P-Chan!" Ranma shouted accusingly, pointing at Ryoga.  
"My name is Ryoga!" Ryoga protested.  
"Ryoga." Nabiki agreed.  
"Charlotte!" Azusa cried.  
"P-Chan!" Ranma repeated.  
"Lost boy!" Shampoo put in.  
"Pig-Boy!" Mousse cried.  
"P-Chan!" Ranma insisted.  
"Darling!" Akari squealed.  
"The Bandanna Kid!" Genma shouted.  
"Fanged Wanderer!" Kuno cried.  
"Man of Steel!" Soun cried.  
"That's Ranma's new name!" Akane said.  
"AAHHH! What *is* my name?!" A confused Ryoga cried weakly.  
"Oh for the love of god!" Ukyo shouted. "Your name is RYOGA! And what are all you idiots doing here anyway?"  
"We were passing by." Genma said. "Saw the big balloon and decided to see what was going on."  
"We were expecting Ranma to be in another fight." Soun added.  
Then god looked down and must have decided he didn't like Ryoga . . . because it started to rain.  
"CURSES!" Ryoga shouted as droplets of rain struck his shirt. He looked up at the clouds and knew it was going to get worse.  
Ranma was laughing maniacally. "BWAHAHAHAHA! Don't get too wet Charlotte!" He cried.  
"Oh no!" Azusa cried. "Charlotte must not get wet! Poor Charlotte will get a cold! Azusa will give Charlotte a long hot bath!"  
"I'm not taking a bath with her again!" Ryoga cried in panic.  
"Again?" Nabiki demanded, slight tones of shock and anger in her voice.  
"Charlotte?" Akane questioned. It was fair to say that the majority of the people present were in fact bewildered. But then the unthinkable happened. A single raindrop landed on Genma's nose . . . and he became Panda-Genma! "Behold My True Form!" Read Genma's sign.  
"AAAHHHHH!" Ryoga cried.  
"AAAHHHHH!" Mousse agreed.  
"AAAHHHHH!" Ranma shouted when cat-Shampoo leapt onto his shoulder and began licking his cheek.  
Ryoga was panicking. He didn't have his umbrella and Akane was standing right in front of him! If he turned into P-Chan in front of her he was finished . . . but he didn't have anywhere to go!  
Then he felt some one grab his arm and lead him away from disaster! "Nabiki!" He gasped.  
"C'mon pig-boy, cant let Akane discover your dirty secret!" She hissed. She dragged him into a large shed of some kind. There was gym equipment everywhere. "This should do it." She said. "Nice and dry."  
Ryoga looked around. He was amazed that he hadn't transformed, it was pure luck that there hadn't been enough rain. But now it was really coming down, he could hear it on the rooftop.  
Nabiki looked out the window and grinned. "They're dropping like flies. There goes Mousse. He's a duck now. And there's Ranko, checking herself out. Yep, looks like I got you in here just in time." Nabiki smiled wickedly. "I'll send you the bill."  
Ryoga frowned. He did not think he could afford any more debt or weeks of slave labor. Nabiki laughed wickedly. "Maybe they'll cancel class." She sighed.  
"Why? It's indoors, the rain doesn't affect the class." Ryoga said.   
"Point. Ruin my dreams then." Nabiki scoffed.   
"You've still got ten minutes of lunch break left." Ryoga observed.  
"What? You think the rain will stop by then?" Nabiki demanded. "I can't just leave you here, I don't trust you not to run off. And I can't take you out there in the rain, you wouldn't make it two steps before you were on all fours."  
"Well . . ." Ryoga shrugged. "If that's how you feel about it, why not just cut class and stay here with me? Then when some one finds us they'll think we were making out or something and everyone in the whole school will talk about it. 'Oh look, there goes Nabiki, you know, the girl who used to be so cool until she was caught with that boy in the shed.'"  
Nabiki glared at him. "Curse you, your negotiating powers have out done me for once. Very well you stay here, if you leave this shed I'll let Azusa take you home."  
"Okay . . . so what are you waiting for?" Ryoga asked.  
"I'm not going anywhere until my ten minutes or up, or it stops raining." Nabiki said. She sat down on a crate and sighed. "So . . . know any good ten minute games?"  
"I know one, but it's been a while since I've played it."  
"I'm not having sex with you." Nabiki said crossly.  
"I wasn't talking about that, that's a twelve hour game."  
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "Twelve hours?" She asked with interest.  
  
Azusa was dancing around happily in the rain with Mercedes, who was all wet and skinny looking. The majority of the people there were staring at her as if she was some idiot but she was oblivious. She was, after all, Azusa.  
And she'd win Charlotte back from that Mean sister of Akane's. She'd win back her darling Charlotte!  
Mercedes barked happily in agreement. In reality the dog was barking viciously at the giant panda as if to say 'Hey! I remember you from chapter one!' but Azusa didn't see it that way.  
During her dance Mercedes managed to escape from her. "Go fetch the Frisbee!" Azusa had cried. It took all of ten seconds for her to realize that she hadn't thrown one.  
"Oh come back Mercedes! Come back!" Azusa frowned. All her pets ran away. "All Azusa's pets run away from Azusa and Azusa has to go catch them!" She whined.  
  
The rain wasn't letting up, and Nabiki didn't want to venture out into it. Ryoga had promised not to leave but she didn't really trust him. When she could avoid it no longer she ordered him not to leave the area. "If you do, I'll turn you into a pig and make sure Kasumi cooks pork chops again!  
"I said I wouldn't leave so I wont." Ryoga sighed.  
"Just making sure." Nabiki warned him. She grinned. "If you're a good boy, maybe I'll kiss you again."  
"In THAT case maybe I will try to escape." Ryoga mumbled. Nabiki threw her shoe at him, then recovered it.  
"Jerk." She scoffed "Fine then, leave this place and I'll kiss you again!" She waved as she left.  
However as she closed the door she felt as if something big and fluffy ran past her. She ignored it and ran for the school building.  
  
Ryoga was surprised when 'Mercedes' came into the shed in Nabiki's stead. He was surprised and a little afraid. Then Mercedes trotted over to him, it's tail wagging. Ryoga had some experience with dogs of course, he had one of his own. He knew it would be bad to show his fear to the German Shepherd so he smiled in a friendly fashion and gave the dog a nice pat on the head.  
The dog seemed to accept this as a sign of friendship. Then the dog decided it was comfortable enough around the human boy to shake itself and the water sprayed everywhere. Even on poor Ryoga.  
"SQUEE!" 'AAAHHHH!'  
"WRROFFF!" The dog barked.  
"K-KEE! K-KEE!" Ryoga oinked threateningly at the equally threatening dog. 'Don't come any closer! Don't make me give you another Pig Fang French Kiss!' Ryoga thought.  
The dog lunged forward, Ryoga leapt onto the crate Nabiki had been sitting on. The dog lunged for him again. He saw the window, a perfect window, he knew if he could get through that window he'd be free! He leapt onto the sill and began to try to open the window. But he lacked any sort of opposable thumb.  
That problem was quickly solved . . . when 'Mercedes' leapt at him and they both went through the window with a CRASH!  
"SQUEE!" Ryoga cried almost in after thought. Mercedes seemed bewildered but the large dog was on its feet in no time and shaking rain off. Rain that hit Ryoga.  
"Mercedes!" Azusa cried. "You found Charlotte! What a good doggy-woggy you are Mercedes!"  
Mercedes gave Ryoga a look, as if to say 'not again!' and the both of them ran for the schoolhouse.  
Despite the danger Mercedes posed to Ryoga, Ryoga's mind was only concentrating on two things. Escape Azusa, and get back to the shed before Nabiki came back, found he was gone, and kissed him again after tracking him down of course.  
Escape Mercedes was actually sixth on his "To do List" right under Escape Azusa, Fool Nabiki,  
Win Akane's love, Kill Ranma and Find Solution to World Hunger.  
The large dog barreled through the doors to the school, taking Ryoga with it. They bumped into none other than Kuno.  
"Wha!" Kuno cried. "Why . . . it is Akane Tendo's pet piglet and a large dog. No doubt Akane misses her pig I must take it to her!"  
'Kuno, I love you!' Ryoga though. Then he considered it and changed his mind to 'That is, I appreciate your existence!'  
Kuno raised Ryoga over his head as the dog and Azusa leapt up and down trying to take him.  
Unfortunately Azusa did something that anyone who knew her even remotely would have expected. Unfortunately Kuno had two things going against him, first he didn't know Azusa too well and second he was an idiot.  
"Why do you try to steal Akane Tendo's pig?"  
"That's Azusa's Charlotte!" Azusa screamed. She then grabbed 'Mercedes' by the tail, swung the dog back over her head and brought the shocked beast down on Kuno's head. She then repeated this until both Mercedes and Kuno were thoroughly dazed. "Give back Azusa's whittle Charlotte! Give Azusa her char-wotte back!"  
Then Kuno did something incredibly Kuno-ish. Something Ryoga figured he should have expected from a stupid idiot pervert like Kuno, but still it came as a shock.   
Kuno got up (immune to the numerous head blows, not possessing any brain or vital equipment in his head) got down on one knee, grabbed Ryoga and said "Oh my aggressive beauty! Take this, your Charlotte and be mine for it hast been written in the scrolls of destiny that you, my beloved Dog Swinging Girl and I, the blue thunder be together forever!"  
'You're a masochist aren't you?' Ryoga glared at Kuno. Azusa snatched him from Kuno's hands and cuddled him.  
"Oh my darling Charlotte! Azusa was so worried!" Ryoga was going nuts! He had enough! He bit Azusa's hand, not for the first (and a strange part of him hoped not for the last) time and was dropped on his face. P-Chan's pig brain needed no bidding and soon the little black piglet was running like mad squealing hoping Akane, Nabiki or even Ranma would hear him. Azusa grabbed  
Mercedes and ran after Ryoga, Kuno ran after Azusa.  
"BUKEE!"  
"Come back Charlotte!"  
"Come back Dog Swinging Girl!"  
  
"BUKEE!"  
"Come back Charlotte!"  
"Come back Dog Swinging Girl!"  
Nabiki sighed. She slammed her head down on her desk. "I'm not going to look!" She cried. "That boy is more trouble than he's worth!"  
"Nabiki!" The class and the teacher gasped.  
"'That *boy*'?" A girl asked.  
"What boy? You mean the one with the bandanna? Cause you said he wasn't your boyfriend!"  
"How could you lie to me Nabiki! I'm your best friend!" A girl cried.  
"Who the heck are you!?" Nabiki demanded of her.  
"Nabiki! For yelling in class AND causing an uproar go stand in the hall!"  
"Oh god!" Nabiki moaned. "Just throw me into the war zone!"  
  
"BUKEE!"  
"Come back Charlotte!"  
"Come back Dog Swinging Girl!"  
"Come back you jerks!"  
Ranma frowned. "Oh great." He shook his head.  
"P-Chan?" Akane wondered. She stood up when she saw Azusa run past the room. "P-Chan!" Akane cried.  
"Akane go stand in the hall!"  
  
Nabiki ran after Kuno and Azusa, suspecting that Ryoga was in front of them.  
"BUKEE!"  
"Come back Charlotte!"  
"Come back Dog Swinging Girl!"  
"I'm not going to repeat myself!" Nabiki shouted.  
"Come back P-Chan!" Akane shouted from behind Nabiki.  
Nabiki slowed down and looked back at her sister, who was gaining speed down the hallway, they crashed into each other. Luckily when Ryoga heard Akane he'd turned on his heels (if pigs had heels) and bolted through Azusa and Kuno's legs and leapt into Akane's waiting arms.  
"Oh P-Chan! I won't let them hurt you!" Akane cried.  
Nabiki glared at Ryoga. 'You think you're safe now? Oh just you wait till we get home, I'm going to shove you in an afro, a gold medallion AND make you wear platform shoes! Oh yeah Ryoga-baby you're gonna be sorry you got me put in detention!'  
"Here Nabiki!" Akane said. "Take P-Chan, I'll deal with these two!"  
"Akane Tendo! If you defeat me-"  
"Yeah yeah I know I get to ask you out. Who said I wanted to?!"  
"Don't be silly!" Azusa spat. "Azusa does not want to fight! Azusa just wants her Charlotte!"  
"P-Chan isn't yours!" Akane cried. "He's mine!"  
By now crowds of students were staring at the spectacle, much to the shock of their teachers.  
"Azusa can have whatever Azusa wants!" Azusa spat.  
"Man, ought-ta introduce her to Shampoo." Ranma said. "They'd get 'long perfectly."  
"Don't slander my Shampoo!" Mousse cried.  
"You're still here?" Ranma shrugged.  
Nabiki snatched P-Chan from Akane's hands. "Remember Akane, you said P-Chan would protect me from the ninjas. And I had to keep an eye on him. So let *me* deal with this." Nabiki said calmly. Akane gave her a hateful look but Nabiki swept her aside and stood in front of Kuno and Azusa.  
"Okay Kuno, I'll make this much perfectly clear. You leave my sister's piggy alone or I stop selling you embarrassing pictures of the pigtailed girl and Akane."  
"GO FOR THE PIG!" Ranma cried.  
"Alas!" Kuno sighed. "It was not meant to be. I beg of thee my Dog Swinging Siren, do not bare me ill will."  
"Azusa thinks him talks funny!" Azusa giggled pointing at Kuno.  
"Look who's talking-or trying to." Nabiki spat at Azusa. "Anyway Azusa, if you lay a finger on my Ryoga again I'll break every bone in your hand!"  
"What does THAT have to do with P-Chan?" Akane demanded.  
"What? Didn't I *say* P-Chan?"  
"No." Akane said.  
"You said Ryoga." Ranma informed her. "You called 'im *your* Ryoga."  
Nabiki closed her eyes tight. She took a deep breath and held back the urge to strangle the piglet she held in her arms. Somehow she decided she'd blame this all on Ryoga. "Anyway, touch *P-Chan* again or mess with me and I'll make you sorry." Nabiki sighed, her dramatic challenge ruined utterly.  
"Azusa wants to see Akane's mean sister try it!"  
Nabiki whistled and the German Shepherd snapped to attention.  
"Roll over boy!" Nabiki said. The dog rolled over.  
"Mercedes does tricks!" Azusa cried happily dancing around.  
"Sit boy! Good boy." Nabiki smiled. "Now . . . kill Azusa boy!"  
The dog gave Nabiki a look of profound appreciating and charged after Azusa barking like a demon.  
"TEEHEEHEE! Mercedes wants to play tag!" Azusa giggled.  
"Wait! Dog Swinging Girl!" Kuno cried.  
"You're hopeless Kuno-baby." Nabiki sighed.  
"Squee." P-Chan nodded his agreement.  
  
Ryoga walked behind Nabiki on their way back to the Tendo training hall. "So . . ." he said. "Since I was chased out of the hiding place, and I didn't try to escape . . . you're not going to kiss me right?" Ryoga asked hopefully.  
Nabiki didn't turn to face him, but he could hear the smile in her voice. "Is that disappointment in your voice? I think it is Ryoga-sweetie . . ."  
"Sweetie?" Ryoga asked. "That's not true, I'm not disappointed, I'm eh . . . Oh I'm just curious because eh . . ." 'If I tell her I don't want a kiss she'll kiss me . . . but if I tell her I do want a kiss she'll kiss me . . . and Akane and Ranma are walking right behind us . . . and . . . I know!' "I don't really care one way or the other."  
"Well that's okay." Nabiki said. "You were a good boy for the rest of the day weren't you? And I told you that if you were a good boy I'd give you a nice big kiss."  
Ryoga frowned. "You changed your mind though."  
"No." Nabiki laughed. "I just added onto the deal by saying that I'd kiss you if you were bad, but I never said I wouldn't still kiss you if you were good. Get it?"  
"No. But . . ." Ryoga frowned, "hey . . . I tell you what . . . how about if you don't kiss me, I'll give you the money I managed to save up lately?"  
"It sounds fair." Nabiki said. Ryoga handed her the money, which she took and counted, never once looking back at him. "Not enough . . . but I'll let you slide."  
Ryoga followed her a few more paces. Then he had a thought. "Eh . . . Nabiki . . . when you were challenging Kuno and Azusa . . ."  
"What about it?" Nabiki said sharply.  
"Well . . . I was just curious, did you mean what you said?"  
"About you being mine? Yes! Yes I meant it, you're my slave remember? It wasn't like I was  
thinking of you as my boyfriend or anything like that! Just as my slave, which you are, and not as my boyfriend, which you are not."  
"Uh . . . I was just going to ask if you really *could* break every bone in her hand but . . . well I can see your distracted. But that's okay . . ." Ryoga couldn't see her face but he sensed the embarrassed yet outraged look that must be covering it now. To add to the blow he ended his sentence with " . . . sweetie."  
"What's that? Wanna see me break every bone in your hand? If you insist!" Nabiki cried, grabbing Ryoga's hand.  
"SEE! They ARE holding hands!" Akane cried from behind them. Nabiki and Ryoga turned back and looked at Akane and Ranma who both sweat dropped then dove for cover. Ukyo was with them but she just shrugged as if in apology, then Akane grabbed her and pulled her behind a light post as if it were sufficient cover for the both of them.  
"Do they really think we don't know they're back there?" Nabiki asked, quickly pulling her arm away from Ryoga.  
  
"So . . ." Phil sighed. "Who are the newest contestants?"  
"Eh . . . we've got a girl named Azusa and her dog Mercedes. But they're late."  
"Cancel em."  
"We cant, the girl's father sponsors us."  
Phil sighed. He hadn't seen really funny pets since the humane society sued him and forced him to make sure none of the animals were harmed. Though seeing Betty the Python eat Crackers the Great Dane had been hilarious! Sad and tragic, but hilarious! He'd come to Japan in hopes of finding pets who'd be really funny AND kick major tail–if you will–in a place out of reach of the oppressive land of 'freedom' that he hailed from. "Why did I ever move away from Canada?" He sighed. "Okay skip over them and then put them at the front of the line when they show up. Who's next?"  
The assistant checked his clipboard. "Eh . . . a girl named Akari Unryu-"  
"A girl? She cute?" Phil demanded.  
"Sort of. I really don't go for young girls."  
"She's young?" Phil asked, disapointed.  
"Maybe fifteen or sixteen."  
"Send her in." Phil commanded.  
"Hello!" The girl said. "I'm here to audition with my pet Sumo Wrestling Pig!"  
"Excuse me?" Phil asked. "Sumo Wrestling Pig? What the heck is that?"  
"Oh, his name is Katsunishiki!"  
"I didn't ask for his name!" Phil cried. "What the heck is a sumo pig?"  
"Katsunishiki is a sumo pig!" The girl said.  
"Just show me the stinkin' animal!" Phil growled. This girl was only slightly cute, he was now impatient.  
"Katsunishiki!" The girl called.  
There was a rumbling sound and a huge pig came in. It gave Phil a hateful glance.  
"What does it do?" Phil asked, trying not to show how amazed he was at the pig's size.  
"He does sumo!"  
"Well as stupid as that does sound, I don't think we'd be able to display that considering our lack of sumo-wrestling pigs on the show so . . . eh just go on home. Don't call us, we'll call you."  
"But I need to get on this show!" Akari pleaded. "I need the money to feed my piggies!"  
The huge pig lunged forward and ate Phil's assistant.  
"HOLY MOTHER OF MONEY! Okay, okay! Just get Joe out of that thing's mouth! I can't afford another lawsuit and if that thing kills him his wife will sue me again! And this time she'll have a good excuse!"  
"Spit him out Katsunishiki!" Akari said.  
The pig gave her a sad look.  
"You didn't swallow did you?" Akari demanded.  
The pig shrugged.  
"Barf him up Katsunishiki!" Akari cried. "Before he runs out of air!"  
BWARF!  
"You cannot imagine the things that I've seen!" Joe cried. "Boss don't let that thing near me again!"  
"If your pig can do that again during the show you might just win." Phil noted. "Don't worry Joe, we'll get you an anti-stomach-acid suit and some scuba gear." Joe hung his head in grief.  
"Oh thank you! I hope to see you again Mr. Satyr!"  
"Yeah sure." Phil sighed. "I hope ta see more 'o you too . . . 'nekkid that is." He thought out loud.  
"What?" Akari asked.  
Katsunishiki glared at Phil.  
"Did I say that out loud?" Phil asked.  
"Yep." Joe said.  
"Um . . . hey Nabiki . . . when do we have to show up for those auditions?" Ryoga asked.  
"Today." Nabiki said. "But you ditched me, remember?"  
"Well . . . if you wanna try out . . . I mean I'm not too crazy about it but, I mean I do sort of owe you." Ryoga said softly. "I mean for saving me from Azusa."  
"Good. Because y'know what direction-less wonder?" Nabiki turned on him with a smile. "I've already led us to the studio."  
"You're good." Ryoga frowned. "Very good."  
"I'm just smarter than you." Nabiki stated it as if it were the simplest fact. "But yes, I'm good too."  
Ryoga sighed as Nabiki led him into the studio. They passed Soun and Genma and paused.  
"Daddy?" Nabiki asked.  
'What are they doing here?' Ryoga wondered.  
"Oh we're just leaving Nabiki." Soun said. "We eh . . . came in to use the bathroom, you know your uncle Saotome has a bladder the size of a walnut."  
"Hey!"  
"Anyway, we're out of here, bye!" Soun cried.  
"Wait a minute!" Nabiki cried. "You two better not have been up to what I think you two were up to!" She growled. "I KNEW there was a good reason for Genma refusing me!" Nabiki snarled. She glared at Ryoga. "If you mess up I'll do more than kiss you. Y'know what I mean Ryoga-baby?" She asked winking.  
"Not really . . . wait . . . you mean . . . GOD, NO!" Ryoga cried. "I'll get it right I swear!"  
"Where is mean girl's Charlotte?" Azusa demanded. She and a muzzled Mercedes looked as if they had run a thousand miles over a bed of nails.  
"He'll be here!" Ryoga said.  
"Mean girl will see real talent when Azusa and Mercedes audition!"  
"It's not a talent show, it's just a stupid game show to see how stupid our pets are!" Nabiki spat.  
"Azusa doesn't care! Azusa and Mercedes will win this game and then Azusa will take Charlotte home!"  
"C'mon Ryoga." Nabiki said. "Let's go get P-Chan."  
"Eh . . . sure." Ryoga frowned. "Where's the nearest water fountain?"  
They wondered around for a few minutes. They couldn't find anything. "Okay, Nabiki Tendo and P-Chan!" Some one shouted.  
"I need you to transform NOW!" Nabiki commanded Ryoga.  
"It's not like I can do it on command!" Ryoga protested.  
"Hiya!" Ranma waved. He threw a water balloon at Ryoga who transformed into P-Chan.  
"Where the heck did you get that?" Nabiki demanded. "Who cares, let's go Ryoga."  
"BUKEE!" 'Darn it!'  
"Good luck you two!" Ranma called after them. "If ya win I want a third!"  
'How the heck did he know we were trying to win this contest? Oh yeah, he and Akane followed us . . . OH NO! Akane!' Ryoga thought.  
"Azusa and Mercedes don't even have to audition!" Azusa said. "Azusa was so good that she got on the show just when she showed up."  
"C'mon P-Chan, if Azusa and Mercedes can do it we can do it! And if dad and Genma got on the show we CANT let them outdo us!" Nabiki dragged Ryoga into the audition room.  
There were two men inside. Both looked as if they'd been eaten alive and then thrown up.  
"Okay, what's your pet's stupid . . . eh . . . thing." A man asked.  
"My pet is incredibly stupid." Nabiki said. "He does tricks!"  
'Not well.' Ryoga thought.  
"Behold! P-Chan, roll over."  
Ryoga did so. He wished for a middle finger more than anything he'd ever wished for before.  
"Now, P-Chan, sing."  
"K-KEE! K-KEE! SQUEE! SQUEE! K-KEE! K-KEE!" 'Stupid! You're so stupid! I can call you that and you won't even know! Stupid!'  
"Make it stop!" The host cried.  
"Enough, P-Chan. Now . . . P-Chan . . . DANCE!" Nabiki commanded.  
'I love to hate you Nabiki.' Ryoga thought. 'I ought to make you dance one of these days. A pair of six shooters ought to do it.' Ryoga began dancing as a piglet. However he messed up almost immediately. As he tried to spin around on his head he went spinning right into the assistant who doubled over and fell onto him.  
"Excellent!" The host laughed. "This is the second pig to attack Joe today!"  
"Does that mean we made it?" Nabiki asked excitedly.  
"What? No of course not." The host shrugged. "I just think it's cool that your pig attacked Joe!"  
"Darn it!" Nabiki cried. Just then Mercedes came to the rescue, breaking through the door it attacked P-Chan right away.  
Ryoga and the dog chased each other around for a while, and then finally Ryoga turned and lunged forward, hitting the dog head on in a skull bash. The dog fell over. Ryoga laughed wickedly in pig-tongue. "Oinky! Oinky! Oinky!" Ryoga snickered. 'That ought to teach you to attack me! I AM the KING!'  
"Hmm . . . an ass kicking piglet . . . to face off with that sumo pig!" the host snickered. "Don't call us, we'll call you!"  
Nabiki scowled at P-Chan and picked him up. "You better hope we get onto the show." She said when they were out of the building.  
'Believe me, considering what happens if we don't, I am gonna pray tonight!' Ryoga thought.  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
Akane got no end of satisfaction knowing that Ryoga had found a nice girlfriend who didn't raise giant pigs and that her sister wouldn't end up marrying some one who needed to ask a puppet for advice on how to live his life.  
Ranma said that she was getting carried away. Oh well. He didn't understand love! That much was certain. Ranma had told her that soon, very soon she'd see that he was right and that Nabiki and Ryoga really weren't in love, but Akane knew she'd prove *him* wrong. 


	8. Knock on Wood, Knock Wood Down!

Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma ½, I do not own these characters (I love 'em, but I don't own 'em) I do NOT own Charlotte's Web, the book or animated movie, which have so little to do with the fic. I do not own Phil Satyr, the host of WPDDC, however he is a fictional character. and I don't own . . . no wait, that's it for now.  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 8  
Knock on Wood, Knock Wood Down!  
  
Setting: Nabiki and Ryoga await the word from When Pets do Dumb Crap (from now on let's call it WPDDC) Soun Train and The G Spot avoid a wrathful Nabiki, the ninjas are due to show up for revenge next morning and other than that everything is pretty normal at the Tendo home . . . except when you consider that Ranma keeps turning into a girl and his dad turns into a panda, but hey, for the Tendo home, that has indeed become normal.  
  
"Good morning Ryoga!" Kasumi said happily. "Sleep in the closet again?"  
"Yes." Ryoga said, not having to lie this time. "The pillow was lovely, lumpy, but lovely. Thank you Kasumi."  
"I didn't put the pillows in yet . . ." Kasumi said frowning.  
"Quack!" Mousse the duck said as it waddled out of the closet Ryoga had slept in.   
Ryoga frowned. "I thought it was a little rough."  
"Good morning everyone!" Akane said, coming downstairs.  
"Good morning Akane!" Kasumi said happily. "Can you go wake Nabiki?"  
"Why don't you send Ryoga?" Akane said with a wicked smile.  
'Oh boy. Here we go.' Ryoga sighed. Akane still thought there was something going on between him and Nabiki. Unfortunately she wasn't angry about it at all! She was encouraging! Unless . . . unless she was being torn up inside and *had* to smile or she'd cry at the thought of never being with Ryoga, which is how he felt about her and Ranma . . . could it be? It had to be so.  
Oh how wonderful and terrible at the same time! Curse and praise you fates, curse and praise you!  
"Can you go tell Nabiki to wake up?" Kasumi asked.  
"I'll eh . . . get lost." Ryoga said. Actually he was sort of hoping to escape. Every day he thought about going onto that show, he got less and less zealous. Another week until it aired, they were expecting the letter any day.  
"Nonsense, hers is the only room without a door. Just look at it and walk towards it." Akane said.  
"Yeah, jez go on towards it, we'll tell ya if ya make a wrong turn." Ranma teased. "G'on, sleeping beauty awaits yer kiss."  
"Watch it Ranma, she's a master of the "Your Crotch + Her Shoe" style of martial arts." Ryoga growled at Ranma who emerged from his sleeping nook.  
Everyone except Kasumi laughed because Nabiki had spread that story around like wild fire. Despite being told, Kasumi didn't find it amusing, she just stared blankly with a smile.  
Ryoga took a deep breath, and tried to walk for the exit. 'With my sense of direction, they will never know I'm trying to escape!' he thought. As he came closer and closer to it he accelerated his speed. Then he tripped over the bed and woke Nabiki up.  
"WHA!"  
"YOUCH!"  
'Curse my sense of direction! I was looking right at the door!' Ryoga thought. 'Curse you fate, you're teasing me!'  
  
From some far off corner of the spirit world, the spirit of life smiled and shrugged. "So what if I am? There is nothing thou can do about it wussy-boy!" He shouted, much to the chagrin of the other spirits.  
  
It took Nabiki a few seconds to collect her marbles and figure out where she was, what she was doing, who she was with, whether or not she was hungry and if there was any money in the immediate area.  
  
C\BRAIN . . .  
C\BRAIN RUN . . .  
RUN BRAIN RUN . . .  
RUN FASTER YOU LAZY PIECE OF JUNK!  
  
Oh! Okay, Nabiki came to the solid and almost complete certainty that she was in her room, she was waking up, she was with Ryoga, she was hungry, and there was a large amount of money nearby, but it was hers. Ryoga was lying on the bed across her legs with a dazed look in his eyes and a bump on his head.  
There was, incidentally, a barely noticeable dent the size of Ryoga's head in the wall. But as I've said, it was barely noticeable.  
"What are you doing in my room? Get out of here you pervert! Out! Out now or I'll tell Akane you're in love with her! Out I say!" Nabiki growled.  
"My head! Ouch! I wasn't trying to come in here, I was eh . . . going for the bathroom, yeah that's it."  
"Why I ought ta-you're trying to kill me in my sleep!" Nabiki accused. She felt sleepy again.  
"No I swear! I was running for the front door and I ended up here!"  
"Why you son of a-I'll break your neck!" Nabiki lunged for Ryoga and wrapped her hands around his neck. She fell asleep mid-strangle and just ended up hugging him.  
"Oh how sweet!" Kasumi enthused from the hallway.  
"AAHHH!" Nabiki woke up. She glared at Ryoga, glared at Kasumi then glared at Ryoga again.  
"Come down stairs you two, breakfast is ready!" Kasumi said happily.  
"What's taking them so long?" Ranma shouted.  
"They're just giving each other a good morning hug!" Kasumi called back. "The'll be there in a minute."  
"KASUMI I'LL . . ." Nabiki reconsidered. There really wasn't anything she could do to Kasumi. If anything did happen, she'd have to eat Akane's cooking for another half-a school year. "I'll be right down."  
"Splendid!" Kasumi said happily. Nabiki considered throwing Ryoga at her, but contained her rage. It was time to recover her composure and be the calm, collected moneymaking goddess she was when she wasn't just waking up. She slapped Ryoga because it made her feel better about herself, then shook her head slowly, getting out of bed. "You need to fix my door Ryoga-baby."  
She said calmly.  
"Strange . . ." Ryoga mumbled.  
"What?" Nabiki demanded.  
"There is a big dent in your wall, where did that come from?" Ryoga asked.  
"My boyfriend showed up last night and we made out." Nabiki lied. "Got a little wild."  
"Wow! And I didn't hear a thing!" Ryoga said, obviously trying to look enthusiastic but looking instead extremely uncomfortable.  
"We pressed the 'mute' button, honey." Nabiki yawned. Ryoga, for some reason accepted that as fact. "Anyway, you are going to have to get me a new door today after school."  
"Like fun I am." Ryoga mumbled. "Wait, if I get your new door I have to be outside right? Okay, I'll do it!"  
"Good. I'll go with you." Nabiki said calmly. "Don't want you getting lost."  
"Darn it!" Ryoga sighed.  
"Some of us wanna *eat* our breakfast, ya sick love birds!" Ranma shouted.  
Nabiki would kick him again when he least expected it. It didn't bother her, being accused of being Ryoga's girlfriend, because when their contract was up she could say that she'd dumped him and look really cool since a lot of girls in her class were already asking her if she'd 'rent' him out. In fact Nabiki was considering doing just that.  
Until recently. She needed him around for that show, if he went out on a date with another girl, while she may well be paid for it, he might not come back.   
"Hurry up an get down 'ere!" Ranma shouted, shattering Nabiki's chain of thought. Oh yes, she'd kick him all right. She'd kick him and then she'd steal his wallet, oh happy fantasies, so sweet to the waking mind. Better yet, she'd have Ryoga duel him again, and make sure Ryoga won! Now how could she accomplish *that* if Ryoga always lost? Maybe she could drug Ranma . . .  
  
Akane got no end of satisfaction knowing that Ryoga had found a nice girl friend who didn't raise giant pigs and that her sister wouldn't end up marrying some one who needed to ask a puppet for advice on how to live his life.  
Ranma said that she was getting carried away. Oh well. He didn't understand love! That much was certain. Ranma had told her that soon, very soon she'd see that he was right and that Nabiki and Ryoga really weren't in love, but Akane knew she'd prove *him* wrong.  
She followed them to school, and she followed them back. This time Nabiki did set Ryoga on Ranma, and she collected bets . . . she ended up betting on Ryoga, who lost. Nabiki would never overestimate Ryoga's chances for winning unless she was blinded by love! Yes, indeed Akane was pleased with her intelligence and stealth abilities.  
She, like Azusa, was oblivious to several details of course.  
  
Ranma on the other hand held no illusions about Ryoga and Nabiki. And he wouldn't have cared if they were together, after all it was their business, not his. On the other hand Akane had become obsessed with dragging him around with her, waiting for Nabiki and Ryoga to kiss again, hoping that she could prove him wrong and he was tired of it. He had other things to do, watching a girl bully his greatest rival, while amusing at first was getting old fast.  
But when Nabiki kicked him, *that* he simply would not stand for. No, she would pay dearly, she'd made a fool of him, and she hadn't even declared a real match. It was her inadequacy at martial arts that saved her from his challenge.  
But he'd get back at her all the same. A hot water balloon, a little practice on aim, and front row seats for him and Akane at the When Pets Do Dumb Crap show would assure that. He'd promised a date to Kodachi if she could use her immense wealth to pull strings to ensure that Nabiki would get on the show, a debt that Ranma had no intention of paying of course.  
He'd kill three birds with one stone. He'd make Nabiki and Ryoga lose to competition, get back at Nabiki for kicking him, and he'd finally show Akane that Ryoga and P-Chan were one in the same. Not that he didn't mind lying to her, it'd just be so much cooler to see how smart she thought she was when she learned the horrible truth.  
  
Phil Satyr was quite annoyed when a young girl showed up with a long ribbon, threatening his life if he didn't do exactly what she said. There were only three types of women he allowed to boss him around. Women who paid his salary, any of his six ex-wives, and women who carried pizzas, and this woman was none of the three.  
But the way she beat the snot out of Joe just for asking for her name certainly made Phil willing to flex on that. "Oh certainly, anything you say."  
"Hearken to me peasant! You will ensure that Nabiki Tendo and P-Chan are allowed on the show!"  
"Hearken? What the heck? I mean, yeah sure." *Who were they again?*  
"And you will make sure that they are a stone's throw from the front audience lines!"  
"Of course." *We have audience lines?*  
"And you will tell no one that I was here!"  
*Of course, I wont tell a soul!* "Does that suit come off?"  
"WHAT!?"  
*What did I say?* "Man she'd look good in a rubber band."  
"Cretin!" The woman screeched.  
"Was I saying what I was supposed to think, and thinking what I was supposed to say again?" Phil sighed.  
"Yep." Joe frowned. "Tuck yer head between yer legs boss, better kiss your tail goodbye."  
"For the last time, Joe, I'm not kissing my own ass!" Phil shouted.  
"DIE PEASANTS!"  
  
Ryoga was amazed at the selection of doors. He was even more amazed at the prices because Nabiki had made it clear that he would be paying for it out of his own money. He really should have expected that from her.  
Of course none of the doors looked like hers had, he couldn't just buy any door, it had to fit the house, what about resale value? If he couldn't find a door that looked like Nabiki's had . . . eh . . . were was Nabiki?  
  
Nabiki was inspecting various doors as well. Every now and then she'd mutter a side comment to Ryoga, whom she assumed was right behind her. Of course when she discovered he wasn't fires burned in her eyes and she began searching for him, intent on killing him if necessary.  
That's when the day got interesting. She ran into a tall young man, well dressed with wavy hair, looked like an attractive version of Kuno. "What do you want, Kinnosuke?" Nabiki demanded, trying to look over his shoulder for Ryoga but he was too tall.  
"Hmm? Didn't see you there. Say, where's that boy who follows you around?"  
"'Ats what I wanna know." Nabiki slurred.  
"He deserted you? Oh what a shame. Why don't we get something to eat, you can tell me all about it."  
"You're that eager to pay my bill, Kinnosuke?" Nabiki scoffed.  
"We'll see who pays whose bill." Kinnosuke said calmly. She completely forgot about Ryoga and the door.  
  
"No! No! No!" Akane snapped. "That's not right, not right at all, he's not Ryoga!" She scoffed.  
"I told ya! I said ya was reading to much inta one kiss, I told ya it looked like an accident." Ranma scoffed. "So what if yer sister would rather date some thorough bred than that mutt Ryoga?"  
"Mutt?" Ryoga scoffed. "You're one to talk you sex switching jerk."  
"Ryoga?" Ranma and Akane gasped.   
"Who else?" The lost boy shrugged.  
"Oh, Ryoga, why don't the three of us go and eh . . . do something far away from any restaurant?" Akane offered. The last thing she needed was for Ryoga to see Nabiki going out with that guy, that'd just ruin the romance novel forming in her head. Wait! No it'd make it even better! No! No! She couldn't do that to poor Ryoga. She'd have to confront Nabiki later.  
"What'cha gonna protect him for?" Ranma scoffed. "He knows where she's going! And he don't even care, right Ryoga? Buddy?"  
"Huh? Who? Where? Buddy?" Ryoga looked confused. "Are you guys talking to me?"  
"Nabiki ditched ya man." Ranma said casually. How heartless of him.  
"Really? Oh thank heavens, I thought I'd lost her." Ryoga shook his head. Oh how loyal he was, Akane decided. Too naive to know the truth! Too innocent, too-"Hey, there she is. Oh, hey she's with some one. Excellent! This is my chance to escape!"  
  
After getting something to eat, thoroughly picking Kinnosuke's pocket and leaving him to pick up the tab, Nabiki felt once again, that she was the MASTER. Or mistress, whichever. She came home because she suspected Ryoga was a lost cause. The last thing she expected when she got home was Ryoga to be standing by the door with Akane and Ranma.  
"Oh, you found him, thanks Akane." Nabiki said cheerfully.  
"Oh I found him alright! And you've got some explaining to do!"  
"What?" Nabiki shrugged. "What'd I do now? Hey, Ryoga-baby you got the door right?"  
"Yeah." Ryoga said. "I had to put it on myself though."  
"Great-now I don't trust it!" Nabiki scoffed.  
"Hey!" Akane protested. "Don't you wanna know why we're all mad at you?"  
"I'm not mad." Ranma said.  
"I'm not sure why were mad at her." Ryoga said.  
"I'm not really interested." Nabiki said.  
"You ditched Ryoga and ran off with Kinnosuke!" Akane cried.  
"He didn't seem to really mind." Ranma said. "He took off jumping for joy, shouting that he'd finally escaped." He added.  
"And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids!" Ryoga said in a criminal voice.  
Nabiki sighed. "Akane, you're a little confused. There's nothing going on between Ryoga and me." She said calmly. "And nothing between me and Kinnosuke for that matter. I don't know why your envisioning my romance life as some novel when yours is so upside down, but I'd mind my own business if I were you. Now if you don't mind, I should really be getting inside, if you'll excuse me-"  
"We can talk about this out here, or inside with daddy and Kasumi!"  
"She's bluffing!" Ranma cried. "Kasumi knows nothing and Soun aint here!"  
"SILENCE RANMA!" Akane snapped. She boxed his ear.  
"Uh, actually can we please go inside? It looks like it's about to rain." Ryoga said.  
"Yed jez hate that, wouldn't ya 'Charlotte'!" Ranma scoffed.   
Nabiki sighed. "Okay, okay. Ryoga and I have been dating in secret, we're very much in love and expecting our first child this summer. You are a wonderful detective Akane, now let me in before some one from the restaurant recognizes me!"  
"What? Our first child!? Hey how'd that-" Nabiki covered Ryoga's mouth before he could give anything away. She wanted to see how long it'd take Akane to figure out she had been lying.  
"That's so great-hey! Summer is only a few months away and you don't *look* pregnant Nabiki!"  
Akane accused. "You're lying to me!"  
"See? I told you you were a wonderful detective. Now step aside shrimp, Ryoga, come with me." Nabiki scowled.  
"And where are *you* two going!?" Akane demanded.  
"Akane, you're no good at playing the mother/sister, leave that to Kasumi. Go make out with Ranma." Nabiki added with a sly grin. Akane's eyes went red with blood lust, she fumed and Ranma ran inside the house. Akane jumped into the air screaming a battle cry of some sort that sounded like a turkey being strangled to death. Nabiki grabbed Ryoga's hand and ran through the now unblocked door. "Ryoga-baby, we better start running."  
"I'LL KILL YOU! ME? MAKE OUT WITH RANMA? HOW DARE YOU!"  
  
Ryoga was all but dragged by Nabiki as they ran into the dojo. Using some training equipment to bar the door Nabiki shook her fist triumphantly. "Beat it you Kasumi wannabe!"  
"What she did really wasn't that bad." Ryoga observed. "After all, she was just trying to . . . actually, what was she trying to accomplish?"  
"Good question." Nabiki scoffed. "But I'll tell you what I want to accomplish." She added. She held up a canteen, Ryoga frowned.  
"Oh no."  
"Hey, if we make it to that show we might as well be ready for it. Now, dance my piggy dance!"  
"Can I do it without the Afro?"  
"You'll dance with an afro, medallion, platforms and a white outfit I had Kasumi sew for you."  
"Oh you're good." Ryoga grudgingly admitted.  
"I know." Nabiki said calmly.  
"Waste of time if we don't even get on the show though." Ryoga said calmly.  
"Oh we will." Nabiki grinned. "Trust me, Azusa said she'd make sure, she wants her Charlotte after all."  
  
Phil Satyr growled with frustration when five guys in black jumped through the hole that chick had left in his roof.  
"You are to ensure that Nabiki Tendo and P-Chan get on the show!" One of them announced. "By order of Azusa!"  
"Who-sue-sa?" Phil demanded. "If you cant tell, I'm a very busy man, leave me alone."  
"We just got our butts kicked by a very angry lady because the boss here is a sick womanizer who cant keep his thoughts quiet."  
"Shut up yer mouth Joe!"  
  
Tofu sat at his desk thinking about Kasumi. Oh the dirty thoughts that played through his perverted mind, oh that sick mo'fo. How dare he even think of beautiful Kasu-eh I mean Tofu sat at his desk thinking about Kasumi.  
"So beautiful, so quiet and kind. Oh Kasumi, if only I could build up the courage to tell you how I feel . . ."  
"Hey!" The chainsaw in the corner of the room said. "I can help you tell her."  
"Huh?" Tofu frowned. The chainsaw was talking to him? He was insane obviously. And yet realizing that he wasn't sane made him sane correct? Correct!? He couldn't be insane, Kasumi would never want an insane chiropractor!  
"I can give you the confidence to tell Kasumi how you feel. All you have to do is pick me up and cut things up with me. Vrrooom vrrrooom! I love to hack and slash! You can wear the mask Kasumi gave you in issue one and cut things up! Nothing builds self esteem like chopping up innocent trees and hacking apart people you don't like!"  
"What a wonderful idea!" Tofu cried. "I will do that! You are correct, what an intelligent chainsaw you are!"  
Panda Genma frowned and held up a sign: Eh . . . Who are you talking to?  
  
Hmm . . . what a strange smell . . . like roses only different.  
"So wazzap with you and this 'Kinnosuke' guy?" Ryoga asked. "And why am I supposed to be angry?"  
"You're not. There is nothing going on between him and me, we just have this sort of rivalry." Nabiki said calmly. "Don't worry about it." She yawned. "Unless you're jealous of him."  
"What? Why should I be jealous? He owe you more money than I do?" Ryoga teased.  
"No one owes me as much money as you do." Nabiki winked.  
"Speaking of which, I can pay you back now, I don't have to be your slave!"  
"Excellent." Nabiki said calmly. "So . . . you have the one hundred thousand yen?"  
"What!? It wasn't *that* much, I remember!" Ryoga protested.  
Nabiki grinned wickedly. "It is known as Interest, Ryoga-baby." She said. "I let you slide on the usual three hundred percent just because you're you, but I still expect full payment. It's in our contract if you wanna check." She said, handing him the contract.  
"Oh you're good." Ryoga shook his head.  
"Thank you, I've worked hard to become so. It's okay. Now, I have this great idea. What we're going to do is sneak out of the house, so Akane doesn't kill us. I've got a couple of places I need to go today, and since I cant leave you  
alone for five seconds before my baby sister thinks I'm cheating on you, you're coming along for the walk."  
"Cheers." Ryoga yawned.  
"Here is the plan," Nabiki was explaining something to Ryoga, who was falling asleep and not listening at all. Gee the floor sure was comfortable . . . sleepy sleepy sleepy . . .  
"Ryoga!" Nabiki snapped. "This is no time for a nap!"  
"Huh?" Ryoga woke (a little) "What is it?"  
"I need you to pay attention Ryoga! This plan won't work if you don't know it!"  
"Plan? We're making a plan?" Ryoga frowned.  
"That's my point!" Nabiki said, shaking a scolding finger at him. "You need to pay attention!"  
"Okay, start from the top." Ryoga reasoned. But he was already falling asleep again. Why was he so tired?  
"Okay okay. First of all we . . . and then . . . and when that's done . . . it'll be a piece of cake! You got that Ryoga?"  
"Yes. Just one question. What exactly are we doing boss?"  
"Were going to . . . HEY! WAKE UP!"  
"Oops! Eh . . . what are we doing?"  
"Forget it!" Nabiki scoffed. "Now I'm getting sleepy."  
Ryoga laughed wickedly. "It's not even dark out and we're falling asleep."  
"Your boring company." Nabiki yawned.  
"Eh . . . hey Nabiki . . . when did Kasumi say those ninjas were gonna show up and kill us?"  
"Mm? Saturday I think."  
"What day is today?"  
"Friday?" Nabiki offered. "I'm not sure . . . did I go to school today?"  
"Eh . . ."  
"No matter. I'm going to take a quick nap, then we can worry about those stupid ninjas." Nabiki yawned. She made a half-asked attempt to crawl into bed.  
"Eh . . . okay . . . do you have an extra pillow?" Ryoga asked, falling asleep already.  
"Go sleep in the closet!" Nabiki scoffed, struggling to get into her bed, which seemed to have become her Mt. Everest.   
"Never…mind…zzzz" Ryoga mumbled. Then to his unhappy shock, someone poured cold water all over him. "WHA? ERNK!"  
Nabiki yawned. "G'night P-Chan."  
'What'd she transform me for? She's got a mean streak as long as my arm! Hey! I'm not sleepy anymore!' Ryoga thought.  
That's when the window was smashed open, Nabiki was fast asleep, she didn't notice. Two men in black slipped in.  
"Well?" One of them demanded. "You're sure the gas wouldn't harm the pig?"  
"It's designed to put humans to sleep!" The other guy said. "The pig should be fine. Now lets . . . ho-ho, weren't there two of them in here?"  
"No matter, if you've done your job everyone should be asleep by now!"  
"Hey, I done my job bucko!" The second ninja snapped.  
'Whao! This isn't good!' Ryoga thought.  
"Eh . . . Todd . . ."  
"What?"  
"Were we supposed to wear gas masks?"  
". . . yes." Todd said with a frown.  
'Idiots.' Ryoga thought. The two ninjas fell over each other, fast asleep. Ryoga leapt into Nabiki's bed. Had to wake her up . . . but how? 'I know!' Ryoga though. He backed up to the edge of the bed, then got a running start and slammed right into the girl's forehead.  
She didn't wake up, but her arm flung out and crushed the poor little piglet that was trying to save her life. 'Aww crap.' Ryoga thought.  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
Ryoga frowned at her, and said "Nabiki, this doesn't look like the living room." He said. "And that doesn't look like the couch."  
"Really? I must have gotten lost. You're rubbing off on me." Nabiki grinned wickedly.  
"In fact, I'm no expert, but I'd say this is your bed room."  
"Is it?" Nabiki asked, closing the door behind her.  
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is!" Ryoga said, oblivious to the danger. 


	9. Ninja Nightmare, What a Trip!

DISCLAIMER: I still own nothing.  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 9  
Ninja Nightmare, What a Trip!  
  
Dr. Tofu ran through the streets wielding his magic chainsaw and riding his new stolen motorcycle! The one he'd just stolen, it came complete with a leather jacket and cowboy boots. Of course he'd had to scare a fat biker out of them, but hey, a free deal was a free deal.  
"I am Tofu! I am brave!"  
"AAHHH!" The people cried.  
"I am handsome!" Tofu continued.  
"Sure ya are." The chainsaw said.  
"AAHHH!" The people cried.  
"And I am worthy of Kasumi's love!"  
"AAHHH!" The people cried.  
"They're cheering for ya!" The Chainsaw said. "Oh! Wait! Pedestrian, hold me out! Hold me out! Buzzzzz!"  
  
Ryoga was angry now. He had to wake Nabiki! He did the only thing he could do, he bit her hand! CHOMP!  
"AAIEEE!" Nabiki cried, jumping up and throwing Ryoga at the wall. He bounced back off the wall, hit the shelf, bounced off that and then the desk, bounced off that and hit the lamp, bounced off that and hit Nabiki in the face. All in all the room was, once again, trashed.  
The two ninjas were fast asleep.  
Nabiki looked drowsy too.  
'Nabiki!' Ryoga thought. 'Please, turn me to human again!'  
"Mm . . . hey!" Nabiki said. "This little piggy stayed home!"  
'What?'  
"Ryoga, breathe deep, seek peace man!"  
'Is she getting high?' Ryoga frowned. 'Idiot girl!' He bit her hand again.  
"AAHHH!" She threw him at the wall, he bounced again. Then he hit her head again, she fell back into her bed. "Ouch!" She cried. "Hey! Ryoga, what are you . . . who's lying on my floor? Is it those ninja losers? Oh great, look at my room now!"  
'Oh thank god she's back to normal!' Ryoga thought.  
"I'll be kicking some one's butt . . . as soon as I'm done sleeping . . ." She fell back into bed and went to sleep.  
P-Chan heard the door open, he realized now that the defense of the Tendo family rested on HIS shoulders alone!  
"SSQQUUUEEEEE!" He cried, charging off to fight the ninjas. He ended up in Nabiki's panty drawer with a sleeping Happi.  
  
The ten Ninjas entered the house, deactivated their sleeping gas machine since they were fairly sure Todd had been an idiot and gone in without a gas mask. They were surprised to see a Panda waiting for them. They managed to put it out of their way by shooting it in the butt with several tranquilizer darts. The Panda growled at them as if to say "What's yer problem" then went to sleep.  
They were about to go about the task of killing everyone off when they heard some one scream "I AM TOFU! HEAR ME ROAR!" And they heard the roar of a motorcycle.  
  
Nabiki slept fitfully after Ryoga had so rudely awoken her. Her dreams were filled with tiny black piglets eating money out of troths. Billions of yen and the pigs were just eating it! Nabiki struggled and tried to get to them, but her legs were like led weights, they moved slowly, and no matter how fast she tried to run, or how long she ran the pigs never got closer.  
"Stop it you little idiots! Don't eat that! I'll buy you REAL food if you let me have that! Stop it you twits!"  
Then there was just one pig. A cute little black piglet with a bandanna tied around his neck. He sat patiently staring at her, waiting for her to come to him. Everything else had disappeared and become shadow.  
"Ryoga!" Nabiki shouted. "Where'd the money go?"  
"Oh Charlotte!" Azure or whatever her name was lunged for the little pig. "Him comes home with Azusa!" The girl cried.  
"No! No you can't have him!" Nabiki whined, her legs had stopped moving all together. "He's mine! He belongs to me! Tell her Ryoga! You're mine, you signed the contract!"  
"Oink?" The pig oinked.  
"Charlotte says you're a bad person. And you treat Charlotte badly. Whittle Azusa gets to take Charlotte home because Azusa won't be mean to Charlotte!"  
"Bite her hand Ryoga!" Nabiki cried. "You belong to me!"  
"And why is that?" Ryoga asked. The actual Ryoga walked out of the shadows and stood not even three feet from Nabiki. And yet no matter how hard she tried she couldn't reach him, it just didn't make sense! "Because you gave me an overpriced pair of pants? Or because you gave me relationship advice that I didn't even use? Or would it be because you promised not to tell Akane about me?"  
"Pick one!" Nabiki snapped.  
"Akane already knows." Ryoga shrugged.  
"That's right!" Akane snapped. She appeared too and wrapped her arms around Ryoga protectively. "You evil, wicked woman! How dare you cheat on Ryoga!"  
"That again?" Nabiki glared at her sister.  
"Ryoga told me everything, and now I'm madly in love with him!"  
"That makes about as much sense as Azusa's sentences!" Nabiki snapped.  
"Don't forget Azusa has your piggy!" Azusa sneered. "Him comes home with me!"  
"Shut up!" Nabiki snapped. "Akane, get off Ryoga! He belongs to me!"  
"I'm not property." Ryoga shrugged. "You'd sell me out if you got a good enough offer."  
"So?" Nabiki demanded. She was starting to feel strange. What was this feeling? Fear? No matter how hard she tried she couldn't move her legs, no matter how hard she tried she couldn't get her hands on Ryoga, or more specifically his neck. It was like being paralyzed, she couldn't move at all!  
"Good bye Nabiki, Ryoga and I are going on our honeymoon. But you can have Ranma if you like."  
"Yeah, after all, I need a replacement for Akane on my list of possible bed warmers." Ranma said, giving Nabiki the thumbs up.  
"AAHHHH!" Nabiki woke up screaming. She thrashed around, relieved to have use of her body back, and making sure that it worked properly. She hit several things as she did this. All of them people.  
"Ouch!" Akane cried.  
"Oh dear, that hurt!" Kasumi said sadly.  
"She scratched me!" Ranma snapped.  
Nabiki got hold of something round. She opened her eyes and looked at it . . . it was Happi's head. "Ugh!" She grunted in horror and threw the little man at the wall, with a splat he slid slowly to the ground, his face now flattened.  
"Nabiki!" Akane cried. "Stop! You're safe! The ninjas didn't get us thanks to Dr. Tofu!"  
Nabiki slowed her thoughts to a crawl for a moment. Then looked around the room at the several wounded people. Her father had a bruise on his right eye.  
"What happened to your eye Daddy?" Nabiki asked. "Did you guys fight off the ninjas?"  
"No!" Soun wept. "You kept kicking your legs in your sleep and trying to strangle something, and when uncle Saotome and I tried to carry you down stairs you kicked me in the eye!"  
"That's Ryoga's fault! If he'd just let me strangle him-"  
"Nabiki!" Akane gasped. "*That's* what you two are into?"  
"What? What!" Nabiki cried. "Ryoga and I aren't a couple, get over it!"  
"Where did Ryoga go anyway?" Akane asked, petting P-Chan.  
"Where was the pig?" Nabiki demanded.  
"In your panty drawer. The old master was attempting to pack as many pairs onto the poor creature's back as he could and make a mad dash." Soun said.  
"What was the pig doing in my drawer!" Nabiki exclaimed. Silently she said 'I'll make you sorry for that Ryoga you pervert!'  
"Happosai probably dragged him up there." Akane said defensively. "But I asked, what happened to Ryoga?"  
"Oh he's probably right under your nose." Ranma mumbled.  
"Are you okay now Nabiki?" Soun asked.  
"Of course I am! Why is everyone gathered around me?"  
"We were just worried." Kasumi said.  
"Why did you drag me out of my room?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Because we heard you moaning in your sleep and Cologne said you were having evil dreams and we had to bring you down here so she could perform the ritual to remove the ghost from your body." Kasumi kindly explained.  
"And where is Cologne?" Nabiki demanded.  
"She's in the fridge, she got hungry and said she'd take care of you later." Kasumi said it as if it were so normal.  
"Why is she here at all?"  
"She had to take care of the spell that was on Dr. Tofu's chainsaw, so that it'd stop talking to him." Ranma scoffed.  
"And where is Tofu?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Oh, well the police dragged him off for theft, armed assault and because he was wearing a mask at the time and they thought he might be one of the ninjas. But he did save us all from the ninjas, so I'm sure they will let him off light. Perhaps a night in prison and a slap on the wrist is the worst he'll get." Kasumi said casually.  
Nabiki frowned. "You people make me sick." She mumbled. "Akane, hand me that pig, I've got things to do, and places to go, and not to mention alleged boyfriends to brutally murder."  
"And you need P-Chan for that?" Akane asked.  
"I'm taking P-Chan to . . . eh . . . to be my carrier pigeon, in case I need to send a message home quickly."  
"Sure!" Ranma said. "And when you let the piggy go it'll come straight back to us with your message . . . in about two weeks!"  
Nabiki shot Ranma a deadly glare. "Silence you!" She snapped. "I've gotta go, bye now!" She said, grabbing the pig from Akane who was too surprised to argue. She rushed off to the washroom and poured hot water on Ryoga. She quickly threw him some cloths and said "C'mon, we've got places to go, move it!"  
"What places?" Ryoga protested.  
"I'll tell you when we get there!"  
"Why do I have to come?"  
"So Akane doesn't think I'm cheating on you again!"  
"Why do you care what she thinks?"  
"Just c'mon! I'll let you buy yourself a hotdog!"  
"Yay! Hey . . . wait a minute!"  
  
Nabiki came home late that night. She was exhausted, but at least she'd finally gotten her roll of film developed. Poor Ryoga. Ignorance is such bliss, he now slept peacefully as P-Chan in Akane's bed . . . Nabiki shuddered at that thought. Ryoga was with Akane, and not her. And yet why should that bother her? The fact was a boy, currently trapped in a pig's body, was sharing a bed with her little sister! So why wasn't she disgusted? She was angry, but she wasn't sure why.  
Nabiki shook her head and sighed. "I'll figure it out later." She decided. She looked at the photos she'd taken of her poor slave boy. He certainly was photogenic, she could send these in to a magazine . . . in fact that'd be a perfect threat when the time came. Nabiki shook her head. The power she was capable of, she scared herself at times.  
She heard a scratching sound coming down the hallway, so she quickly shoved the pictures and the others that the film had developed (five pictures of female Ranma doing . . . stuff. And five pictures of Akane working out, along with a nice snap shot of the whole family, minus Nabiki who'd taken the picture when Akane, Daddy and Kasumi weren't expecting it.  
Nabiki sighed with relief when she saw P-Chan moving through the hallways. She walked out to the pig, who gave her a "eat crap and die" look when she picked him up.  
"Bored with Akane, are you?" Nabiki smiled.  
"Ernk!" P-Chan said.  
"Well, you know you can always hang out with me." Nabiki said sweetly. "Or were you trying to turn into a human?"  
P-Chan nodded vigorously. Nabiki grinned. "Well you can do that tomorrow morning. C'mon, lets get some sleep." She said.  
"K-KEEE! K-KEEE!" P-Chan howled like a toddler throwing a fit. Nabiki played her trump card, kissing the piglet on the snout. That shut him up. He became a statue, a blushing piglet statue. But the effect was temporary, Ryoga began throwing a fit again, attacking the pillow with extreme prejudice.  
Finally Nabiki sighed, took him into the wash room and quickly prepared some hot water to throw on him. Ryoga leapt headfirst into the bucket, and became a human . . . with a bucket on his head.  
"Rhy rhonted who alk who shu!" Ryoga said from under the bucket.  
"Put some cloths on, sweetie." Nabiki said, offering him a pair of pants, which of course he couldn't see.  
Ryoga forced the bucket off his head, and shook it. "Nabiki! I have to talk to you!" He said as he pulled his pants on. "It's important!"  
"Okay, talk." Nabiki said with a shrug.  
"Ranma and Akane are going to be at the show! I was in Akane's room, and Ranma told Akane he's got something to show her that she'll never forget. And he winked at me! I'm scared Nabiki!"  
"So? They're engaged Ryoga, they're allowed to go on dates."  
"Nabiki, Ranma knows about my curse and has been trying to indirectly expose me ever since Akane adopted me!" Ryoga said. "I can't let Akane know about me!"  
Nabiki frowned. "Are you asking me for advice?"  
"Yes."  
"I see . . ." Nabiki shook her head. "I'll have a talk with Ranma." Nabiki said. "I'll make sure he doesn't try anything."  
"What if he does?" Ryoga whispered. "And Akane learns about me?"  
"Then at least you won't have to be my slave anymore." Nabiki offered. Ryoga frowned at her, and then Nabiki made a major mistake. What she said next came without any pre-thought, she simply said it. "Would it be so bad if Akane found out?"  
This set Ryoga off. He gave her a long list of reasons that Akane could never know, most of them involved his glass heart being shattered, and how Akane would never want to see him again, how he'd never be able to face her, how he'd never be able to apologize enough, or explain himself to Soun or anyone else for that matter.  
This annoyed the middle Tendo girl. "Listen here bucko, if my sister excommunicated you, I'd still be your friend y'know! I know about your secret and I let you sleep in my bed anyway! It doesn't bother me! Akane may be a violent maniac, but I think she'll understand." Nabiki said.  
  
Akane waited outside the washroom, really needing to use it. Of course when she heard the conversation going on inside . . .  
"Soun is going to kill me if he ever finds out! And I bet Genma will help!" Ryoga said. "And I'd never be able to look Kasumi in the face again, and Akane, Akane would-"  
"Listen here bucko, if my sister excommunicated you, I'd still be your friend y'know!" Nabiki hissed. "I know about your secret and I let you sleep in my bed anyway! It doesn't bother me!"  
Akane gasped. Ryoga and Nabiki were sleeping together?  
"Akane may be a violent maniac, but I think she'll understand." Nabiki said more softly.  
Akane forced the door open and walked in on a surprised Nabiki, and a half-dressed Ryoga. "Of course I understand!" She cried. "It's okay Ryoga, really!"  
"It . . . it is?" Ryoga whispered in shock.  
"Sure! And we don't have to tell daddy, what he doesn't know, won't hurt him, right Nabiki?" Akane asked, winking at her sister, who just shrugged.  
"Wow . . . I never thought you'd be so understanding. If I'd know I'd have let Ranma expose this whole thing months ago!" Ryoga said.  
"Ranma knew?" Akane gasped. "And he didn't tell me? For months?"  
"He tried." Nabiki said.  
"Well . . . I guess you two will be wanting to go off to sleep eh?" Akane asked.  
"Eh . . . well no, I mean yes, but I think I'll sleep on the couch if it's all the same to you." Ryoga said.  
"Sounds great, I'll go with you, to make sure you get there." Nabiki yawned.  
Akane smiled. Her sister had finally found some one worthy of one of the Tendo Daughters! Akane only wished *she* would some day be so lucky.  
  
Ryoga was shocked. "I can't believe she took it so well." He said.  
"I'll admit, I'm surprised too." Nabiki said. She squeezed Ryoga's hand, though she didn't know why she did it.  
Ryoga frowned at her, and said "Nabiki, this doesn't look like the living room." He said. "And that doesn't look like the couch."  
"Really? I must have gotten lost. You're rubbing off on me." Nabiki grinned wickedly.  
"In fact, I'm no expert, but I'd say this is your bed room."  
"Is it?" Nabiki asked, closing the door behind her.  
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is!" Ryoga said, oblivious to the danger.  
Nabiki snuck up behind him with a cold glass of water. She lunged forward, Ryoga's spider sense kicked in again and he tried to dodge her, but she threw the water and caught him. She grabbed the angry little piglet and carried it into bed with her. "G'night Ryoga!"  
The pig was oinking up a storm, no doubt demanding to know why she'd done that. Nabiki had to admit she wasn't entirely sure herself. She'd just wanted him with her tonight and there would be fewer questions asked if her father walked in on her cradling a piglet, instead of Ryoga's human form.  
At first glance, one might think Ryoga Hibiki, or P-Chan was sleeping peacefully in Nabiki Tendo's arms. However this was not the case. The pig's mind was filled with terrible dreams the entire night, many of which involved Nabiki, the majority of which, however involved being a pig forever or being eaten. Surprisingly, those that involved the middle Tendo daughter caused the pig to actually tremble or thrash in his sleep, while those of being eaten only caused an uncomfortable grunt.  
  
The day of the WPDDC show finally arrived. As promised by so many people, Nabiki and Ryoga did manage to get onto the show.  
Ranma watched the various pet owners show off their animal's dumb skills. He had a hot water balloon that Cologne had cast a spell on; it'd stay hot for an entire day if that was what it took.  
Akane was none too thrilled with this sorry excuse for a date. Ranma didn't really care; he only needed her to see Ryoga!  
Then he thought to himself . . . 'Why am I doing this? So what if Akane never finds out about Ryoga. So much the better for him, right? Right?' Ranma frowned. 'Naw. I want Nabiki to pay for kicking me.' He thought.  
The show was quite strange. Contestants would bring their pets on stage, the pet would compete with three others to accomplish its talent, and the audience would chose, which one advanced onto the next round. Each round was five minutes, there were three rounds, then the survivors moved on to the final round. During the commercial breaks the host would bring out the next group and interview them a little. Especially if there were any pretty girls.  
"So, you say your miniature poodle's stupid talent is eating it's own fur, then barfing it up and putting it back on it's own body?"  
"Yes I did."  
"That's really stupid." The host said.  
"That's why we are going to win!" The girl said.  
The first round was, more or less boring. Then came round two, where Azusa and her dog showed supreme talent. The dog ate the cat that was supposed to compete with them, after the cat ate the canary the dog had apparently befriended. The canary knew how to bark, that was its talent. God knew what that cat could do, no one got the chance to find out.  
But with only one pet surviving the encounter, of course Azusa moved on to the next round. The host seemed to find the entire thing quite funny.  
Then came the third round. Nabiki and Ryoga were up against fierce competition. Akari and her giant pig, and some guy and his dog.  
Ranma prepared the hot water balloon, he'd finally . . . wait, what was he going to do again? He was now confused, the brainlessness of this show was just too much!  
  
P-Chan took a deep breath. 'Okay. Dance.' He thought. Nabiki had told him he could dance however he wanted; he knew just what to do. The timer started, the giant pig ate the dog before it could do it's talent, then it's owner. Then it barfed them both back out. Ryoga began to dance.  
Anyone who's ever seen the ending credits to Hamtaro would recognize the gawd awful dance Ryoga began to do. He heard Nabiki scream encouragement to him.  
"What the heck are you doing you jerk? Why you-I'm gonna get you, and when I do you're gonna-"  
Ryoga ignored her; he was starting to have fun. Dancing wasn't so bad when you didn't have some girl throwing water on you one when you screwed up. The crowd however didn't seem to find him stupid, they thought he was cute, they "awed" and cried "how cute!"  
That's when Ranma jumped up and shouted "Akane! Keep your eyes on the pig!"  
"Don't tease P-Chan!" Akane cried.  
Ranma scoffed. He hurtled a water balloon at Ryoga.  
'Where does he keep getting those? WAIT! Is that-HOT WATER?' Ryoga thought.  
"Hey!" Nabiki shouted at Ranma, leaping in front of Ryoga and catching the balloon, which ended up exploding all over her shirt. "No interference! And now I'm all wet!"  
"GAW!" Ranma cried. "That was for Ryoga!"  
P-Chan glared at Ranma. 'Why you! Ranma you dog! Trying to expose me in front of Akane? And on television yet! You are such a dead man!!' He charged forward, leapt onto Nabiki's head, and from there leapt into the audience and landed in front of Ranma, then he leapt forward and bit down on Ranma's nose!  
CHOMP!  
"AAAAYYYYYYEEEEEE!" Ranma cried.  
"I told you not to tease him!" Akane cried.  
The crowd seemed to think this was staged, they went nuts. "YAY!"  
Ranma whacked P-Chan off his face, and they both leapt onto the stage. P-Chan waged violent war on Ranma, who whacked him down every time he tried to leap at the boy's face. Nabiki stayed where she was, her arms crossed, shaking her head in disappointment.  
"Next time, we stick with disco!" She shouted.  
"Call it off!" Ranma cried. "Call it off!"  
"Go for the throat P-Chan!" Akane called from the audience box.  
"Time is up!" The host called. "And you-the pigtailed boy with the water balloons. Next time you throw one at a girl, go for one wearing a white shirt."  
"I was aiming fer the pig!" Ranma snapped, Ryoga was sitting on his shoulder gnawing away.  
"Whatever. Get back into the audience." The host sighed. Then he shouted, "The votes are in! Last place, is Mr. Oreo and his dog Cookie! In second place, is Akari and her Sumo-Pig Katsunishiki!"  
"Second place is a fancy word for LOSER!" Akari screeched. She glared at the pig, then threw her arms around its neck (tried to) and wept "We'll do better next time!"  
The pig ate her.  
"Guess there wont *be* a 'next time' for you." Nabiki frowned.  
"The winner of round 3 is, Nabiki Tendo and P-Chan!"  
"Yay!" The crowd screamed.  
"See? What'd I tell ya? Butt kicking piglet makes everyone laugh." The host said. "Try to keep it from dancing though, that's just not funny. It's cruel."  
'Thank YOU!' Ryoga thought.  
"I'll show you what cruel is in the next round!" Nabiki laughed.   
'I believe it.' Ryoga thought.  
"Well folks, when we get back, we have the final round! Mr. Soun Tendo and his panda Jennifer, competing against Miss. Azusa something or other with her dog that's named after a car, and Miss. Nabiki Tendo with her butt kicking piglet P-Chan!"  
The crowd cheered.  
Akane shouted "That's MY sister and MY ass kicking piglet!"  
"And that's YOUR fiancé that tried to get that poor pig wet and ruin its match!" Kasumi, who'd come along said.  
"Hey, that's right! RANMA! You want my P-Chan to catch a cold? I'll get you for this!"  
Nabiki scooped Ryoga up in her arms, the little black pig shuddered, though not with repulsion as he would when grabbed by Azusa.  
Nabiki whispered in his ear, "Remember Ryoga-baby, if we win this you are free, and rich, you cant beat that!"  
"Ernk!" 'I could. I could be free, rich and destroy Ranma Saotome!' Ryoga thought.  
Ranma on the other hand, just brooded. "I won't give up!" he declared, pointing a finger at Nabiki. "I will make you pay for beatin' me! It wasn't a fair match! I'll get you! And yer little pig too!"  
"Jeez Ranma, lighten up." Nabiki sighed.  
  
To Be Continued . . .   
  
Next Chapter . . .  
He was about to say something, when he heard a soft sob behind him. He turned and saw Akane. "What did you do with my P-Chan?" She demanded.  
"Weren't you paying attention?" Ranma snapped. "He IS P-Chan!" 


	10. I Don't Really Need a Title!

Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma 1/2 or any of it's characters, places etc. I don't own Phil Satyr, but I know I wont be sued for using him since he's an Original Character created by my friend who gave me permission-so there!-and I DON'T own the movie/novel Charlotte's Web. I do own the idea for this fic, the plot, the story and some original characters. I don't own Weeks of Our Lives, it's a fictional soap opera, the actors are all fictional, not based on any people, but on soap opera stereotypes. I.E. evil twins, loose women, love triangles, etc.  
  
Grimm: I hope you all liked part 9, because this time I got lazy and didn't even work very hard.   
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 10  
I Don't Really Need a Title!  
  
Nabiki shook her head violently. "Ryoga," she whispered "there is nothing to worry about, Ranma won't bother you again!"  
"He almost got me! In front of Akane yet! I wont let him get me!" Ryoga said. "You don't understand-"  
"I know you're in love with Akane, but Ryoga, she already knows!" Nabiki hissed. "Remember?"  
"I've been thinking, what if she doesn't really know? Ranma seems to determined to show her I'm P-Chan, maybe she doesn't really know yet!"  
"You're talking nonsense! Akane isn't the sort to . . . jump . . . to . . . oh boy." Nabiki shook her head. "I'm going to have to talk with her and see what she really knows then." Nabiki grinned wickedly. "Don't worry, I won't let Ranma expose you yet."  
"Yet?" Ryoga asked.  
"Well Ryoga-baby, you signed a contract that forbids me from telling Akane myself. I don't have to keep anyone else form telling her, and I'm not forbidden from telling anyone else. The only reason I don't let Ranma humiliate you is because it would humiliate me too." Nabiki said with a playful grin. Ryoga on the other hand became very pale. "I'm just kidding!" Nabiki chuckled. "Anyway, once you have a half a million dollars to blow on anything you want, don't you think Akane would be fawning over you whether she loved you or not?" Nabiki asked.  
"I want her to love me for me!" Ryoga said simply. "Besides, It wouldn't matter how much money I have, she's not like you." He added. His tone wasn't accusing, it wasn't hostile. It was as if he were stating a fact, which technically he was. Still it made Nabiki's cheeks burn and she promptly threw a bucket of cold water at him, bucket included. She then scooped up the little black piglet that was left in the mound of Ryoga's cloths and dried him off using his own dirty shirt.  
"Time to take center stage Ryoga-baby!" Nabiki said.  
  
Ryoga was perched on Nabiki's shoulder like a parrot, he was far too shy to look down at her . . . impressive . . . view. However he found his gaze wandering every now and then, and he had to snap to attention and wait for the never-ending commercials to end!  
  
Ryoga's thoughts looked something like this . . .  
'Eyes wander . . . eyes wander . . . ooh . . . those are nice . . . EH! Eyes front!'  
Nabiki's thoughts, looked something like . . .  
'Money . . . money . . . cute guy in the audience . . . money . . . money . . . Ryoga would be *so* sexy in that sweater . . . money . . . ooh, and that other sweater is green-like the one million American dollars I'm about to win!'  
  
Then came the pie-eating contest. Apparently, there had been an extension of time on the show, and so the pets jumped to eating pies. Phil didn't seem particularly worried that cherry pie might not be entirely healthy for a dog, a pig and a panda, but then again neither did anyone else.  
Nabiki frowned when Ryoga fell into his pie and was lost. "Ry-P-Chan! He'll drown in a sea of cherries!" She cried.  
  
Ranma's thoughts however, resembled this.  
'I say! Jolly good show wot? Father certainly can tuck into those pies I say! Now where ever did Ryoga get off to? I must expose him to my beloved Akane after all . . .'  
WAIT A SECOND! THAT'S NOT RANMA'S THOUGHTS! Sorry for the mix up–here is Ranma's thoughts . . .  
'Where's that punk Ryoga? Jeez! Look at Pop scoff those pies down-I'm ashamed to be his son I tell ya! Okay Ryoga, I got me a nice big enchanted fire hose, I'll turn ya into a boy in front of Akane and she'll . . . wait a second . . . how does ruining Ryoga's life harm Nabiki? I swore to Ryoga I wouldnt expose him . . . No matter, I'm sure I'll figure it out later.'  
Genma on the other hand, thought 'Gross! I HATE cherry pie! No wait . . . I love cherry pie! More! More! More! I haven't eaten this good since I stole that cart from Ukyo!'   
And Akane was thinking . . .  
'I wonder where Ranma went too . . . I'd really love for him to sit with me-no I wouldn't! I hope he's gotten himself good and lost like Ryoga! Hey . . . where is Ryoga? I thought he'd want to see Nabiki and P-Chan's big day on WPDDC! I hope he and Ranma aren't fighting again! I bet they are! I'll beat them both to a bloody pulp! I'll skin them both alive and eat their male organs!'  
And Kasumi, who sat next to Akane . . .  
'Oh dear! Poor P-Chan isn't eating his pie nearly as fast as uncle Saotome. Nabiki must be so embarrassed to be losing already! I wonder where Ryoga is . . . he's so fine . . . man I'd love to get me a piece of *that* . . . hot young stud like him, I'd show him a thing or two about girls . . . Ryoga rocks my world . . . just like Grimm . . . oh if I could be sandwiched between those two-  
***  
Kasumi: Hey!  
Grimm: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!  
Kasumi: I'm the non-violent type so I don't usually say this . . . but if you do that again I'll beat the tar out of you and use it to patch up the roof, after I rip all your non-vital organs out of you with my bare hands. Thank you.  
Grimm: Okay! Jeez, you try to tell a joke and she threatens to rip out your insides!  
***  
Anyway . . . Kasumi's thoughts weren't important. No . . . no of course not. But as Ryoga swam through the pie, he was thinking of how extremely hot it was! Luckily he didn't become human, because that would just suck. Only in his strangest of dreams did he imagine being a human pie-and that had been a nightmare involving Kodachi being a blueberry pie and them eating each other.  
It was something he didn't really want to imagine ever again but as he more or less sucked up the pie he couldn't help but remember it and shudder. He felt like he would throw up.  
'Throw up on Mercedes' pie, he'll never notice!' Ryoga thought.  
To his horror Mercedes actually glomped down and ate the pie tin-which Ryoga realized, also to his horror, he'd gotten lost in.  
'I know my sense of direction is bad, but how the heck did *that* happen?' Ryoga thought. In horror Ryoga started avoiding the dog's evil teeth and took refuge in Genma's pie. Genma became as dangerous as Mercedes, chowing down, it scared Ryoga because he'd though pandas just ate bamboo but apparently Genma had a taste for pork as well.  
"And we have a winner!" Phil cried. "P-Chan!"  
"But Azusa's Mercedes finished him pie first!" Azusa cried.  
"Yes, and as stupid as it looked doing it, the little black pig jumping from pie to pie avoiding chomping by a giant panda and a ravenous German Shepherd was just friggin hilarious!" Phil said. "THAT is a stupid pet!"  
"He sure is." Nabiki said. "Just watch, I'll show you!" She picked Ryoga up. "P-Chan, walk to our host."  
Ryoga did this. He ended up walking into Soun who glared at him.  
"You may be cute, but Saotome and I are going to win this!" He hissed.  
"That's a dumb pig." Phil shrugged.  
"It gets worse." Nabiki said. She picked him up again, then kissed him. Ryoga involuntarily became a statue. Nabiki set him down and set her drink on his head.  
"A piglet table . . . very interesting." Phil nodded. "Okay, our next event is the free for all battle. Now folks I know you're thinking-a little piglet against a huge dog and a panda? Well this pig is a real fighter-we've established that. I fear for the dog more than anyone else."  
"We're not supposed to let the pets fight. Our producers won't like this!" The host's assistant said.  
Then Phil pointed to a pair of really fat guys who looked real rich and were wearing sci-fi T-shirts. They did a high five then showed thumbs up. "Oh . . . well maybe they will." The assistant frowned.  
"Alright P-Chan, you can do this!" Nabiki said excitedly. "Uncle Saotome will be your biggest problem, but you can take him, I know you can!" Nabiki said, Ryoga noticed her cheeks were turning red and her eyes were glazing over, she was all but drooling. "A million dollars P-Chan! We can do this! GO FOR IT!" She threw him into the little arena.  
Yes there was a little arena set up for the fighters! It shocked and scared Ryoga. Then Genma came out dressed as a gladiator, though he still had his cute dress on under the armor. If P-Chan had had pants he might have wet them from fear and from laughing. Ryoga instead just stared blankly.  
Then came Mercedes, with a fake lion costume to make it look like a . . . well a lion. Ryoga laughed.  
"KEE-KEE-KEE!"  
"RRRRROOOOOAAAAARRRRRRR!" Mercedes roared like a lion! Ryoga stopped laughing.  
The combat began, the battle for freedom waged, Ryoga used his . . . well piggy bouncing technique to bounce around the arena like a pinball. Really he did more damage to himself than to his opponents, but the crowd ate that up, laughing that the pig could bounce.  
Ryoga was so humiliated by this whole thing. Nabiki showing off how bad his sense of direction was, then kissing him, then throwing him into the arena without so much as a "you ready?" and then now his own stupidity at thinking the bouncing piglet technique, which worked so well on Ranma, might actually win the battle without humiliating him more. Oh gods this was bad.  
Ryoga blamed Nabiki thoroughly. He'd win this just to be free of her! He had to win-oops, there's Mercedes' mouth.   
However Ranma then showed up.  
"Nabiki! I'll teach ya to mess with ME! If you won't fight me in a normal re-match I'll jez have to mess ya up in yer own field of play!"  
"Ranma!" Nabiki shouted. "Get down from there!"  
Ranma shook his head, standing on the arena's wall. He pointed a fire hose down at the fighters.  
"Prepare to suck on hot water P-Chan!" He shouted.  
'RANMA!' Ryoga shouted in his head.  
'BOY!' Genma shouted in his head.  
'PIG IS FOOD!' Mercedes shouted in his head.  
Ranma turned on the fire hose and the entire arena was filled with boiling hot water. Ryoga squealed but his piglet snout became a mouth and his squeal became a shout of anger.   
"SSAAOTTTOOOOMMMMEEEEE!" He yelled at the top of his lungs.  
Ryoga was soon chest deep in hot boiling water, it hurt but the alternative was leaping above water level and . . . exposing himself.  
Genma was now a very elegantly dressed man. Elegantly dressed as a woman that is. And Mercedes was a very wet and very angry looking dog.  
But at least Genma was wearing cloths. However Ryoga was amazed as Nabiki soon came to his rescue, throwing him a pair of pants. Which Ranma intercepted.  
"Haha! Lookit yer P-Chan now Akane! YEE-HAW! I've done it! I've beat Nabiki!"  
"You've humiliated Ryoga." Nabiki spat.  
"And you know how he gets when he's humiliated." Kasumi said.  
"Oh . . . I knew there was a problem with my plan . . ." Ranma frowned. Everyone expected Ryoga to jump up and kill Ranma right then and there. The only thing that stopped him, besides the fact that he had no cloths, was that he wasn't entirely sure if, once he got up there he'd go after Ranma, or Nabiki.   
And did they really think him some sort of violent maniac? Well he supposed he'd given them plenty of evidence suggesting that he was.  
"Take these Ryoga! Destroy Ranma Saotome for me!" Mousse shouted, throwing Ryoga a pair of pants, which Ryoga suddenly recognized as his own.  
"Where the heck did you get-forget it, thanks Mousse!" Ryoga quickly dressed. Then he leapt out of the water, followed by Genma and Mercedes.  
"You hold him, I'll punch!" Genma offered.  
"Just a second here." Phil said, intervening-Ryoga thought-to save Ranma. Instead he held up his watch. "One minute left and I'm afraid it's up to the fans who wins."  
"Forget that!" Ryoga cried. "I've got myself a rat to kill!"  
"Could you perhaps, do it as a pig?" Phil asked.  
"It doesn't bother you that he just turned from a pig to a human?" Ranma asked.  
"I've been to Harvard, kid, I've seen it all. This is pretty mild actually."  
"Oh-ho."  
"I want to go to Harvard!" Nabiki said.  
"Lets get the votes in!" Phil announced.  
"WELL . . . Looks like . . . in first place is . . . Azusa and Mercedes since they were the only ones who were actually a pet/owner team instead of a transformer/owner team! Congratulations Azusa!"  
"Azusa wins her Charlotte!" Azusa cried.  
"If that's what you want to call it." Phil shrugged. "But what you've won is a trip for two to Hawaii, and a million dollars."  
"WWEEE!" Azusa cried. "Give Azusa her Charlotte mean girl!"  
Nabiki threw her arms around Ryoga. "You can't have him! He's mine!"  
"Mean girl made a deal with Azusa! Azusa signed a contract!"  
"Azusa signed the contract, but I didn't, it's called a loop hole you idiot!" Nabiki scoffed. "If we won I'd have made you pay up, yet if we lost the entire contract is useless because I "forgot" to sign."  
"NNNOOOO!" Azusa cried.  
"Oh Nabiki!" Ryoga said. "Thank you so much!"  
"I had to save you Ryoga . . . I cant let anyone take you from me." Nabiki said. "Because I love you!" They kissed and lived happily ever after. They went on to become happily married, had twelve kids and lived on a nice big house somewhere along the coast of Maine.  
  
Ryoga: Yeah that's how it COULD have happened. Try this.  
  
"WELL . . . Looks like . . . in first place is . . . Nabiki and P-Chan the transforming pig!"  
"YES!" Ryoga cried. "I'm free!"  
"I'm rich!" Nabiki cried.  
"NNNOOO!" Ranma cried. "I still haven't gotten revenge on Nabiki!"  
"Ah-ah!" Kasumi said. "You have gotten revenge on her. Just think. She's won this contest and she agreed to give you a share of the winnings. Less money for her."  
"YES!" Ranma cried.  
"What? I didn't agree to that!"  
"It was a verbal agreement." Ryoga said.  
"NO!" Nabiki whined. She glared at Ranma. "I'll get you for this!"  
"Yay! Saotome School of Anything Goes Swindling! I've beaten Nabiki at her own game!"  
"That's my boy!" Genma cried.  
"Don't worry Nabiki." Kasumi said. "I'm sure that when you and Ryoga get married you can swindle him out of his share of the winnings, leaving you with even more than the half you would have gotten."  
"What makes you think we're getting married?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Akane told daddy you two were sleeping together, he contacted Ryoga's parents, you two will be getting married at sundown today."  
"CRAP!" Nabiki shouted.  
"CRAP!" Ryoga agreed.  
"I think they'll be so happy together!" Kasumi said.  
  
Kasumi: I really do think that. But that's not how it happened EITHER!  
Nabiki: HERE is how it really happened. Promise.  
  
"WELL . . . Looks like . . . in first place is . . . Soun Tendo and his panda Jennifer!"  
"Yay!" Kasumi cried.  
"We've won Tendo!" Genma cried.  
"How did it happen?" Soun asked. "I thought we were disqualified for sure!"  
"Well . . ." Phil began. "Your comrade over there looked really really dumb dressed up as a woman. And since the point of this show is to find the dumbest pets you've won. At a close second was Azusa and Mercedes because he looked so stupid as a lion. However third place goes to Nabiki and P-Chan, because just about everyone thought the pig was cute, then the girls thought the boy was cute but the guys who make up the majority of our audience didn't  
appreciate seeing one of their own in his birthday suit and went for the guy wearing a dress."  
Ryoga's jaw dropped. They'd lost! They'd come in last! Azusa now owned him! He'd lost his chance at freedom and it was ALL Ranma's fault!  
He was about to say something, when he heard a soft sob behind him. He turned and saw Akane.  
"What did you do with my P-Chan?" She demanded.  
"Weren't you paying attention?" Ranma snapped. "He IS P-Chan!"  
"Y-you . . . you went to China and got cursed . . . so you could pretend to be P-Chan on this show . . . but what did you do with MY P-Chan?"  
"He IS yer P-Chan." Ranma said.  
Akane glared at Ryoga. "N-no! He can't be my P-Chan! My P-Chan was just a little piggy, he wasn't some . . . some . . . some big mean violent jerk!" Akane cried, slapping Ryoga. "You were P-Chan weren't you? The whole time I'll bet!"  
"I wont lie to you, I wa-"  
"But you DID! You did lie!" Akane shouted.  
Ryoga hung his head. "Yeah. I was P-Chan." He mumbled. "The whole time."  
"How could you?" Akane lunged for him, Kasumi quickly, and with surprising strength held her back. Akane flailed then glared at Nabiki. "And *you* knew too! Didn't you? Why didn't you tell me!?"  
Nabiki shrugged and stood next to Ryoga. "You never asked." She said.  
"HOW COULD YOU?!" Akane cried.  
"It was easy." Nabiki shrugged.  
"I paid Nabiki not to tell you." Ryoga said. "And she only accepted because I promised her I'd confess."  
"LIES!" Ranma cried.  
Kasumi actually let Akane go so she could chase after Ranma. Kasumi shook her head and looked at Ryoga. "My-my. Perhaps some time you can tell us all how you became a pig, and what possessed you to pose as my sister's pet. However for now we are in public, cameras are rolling and soon we'll be the envy of every major soap opera. I should know because I watch them and not one of them is this good. I will try to calm Akane, Nabiki would you please take Ryoga someplace and come back home in three hours? I should have everything straitened out by then."  
"What are we supposed to do for three hours?" Ryoga asked.  
"Nothing." Azusa said. "Because you are coming home with Azusa!"  
"No he's not, you didn't win the contest." Nabiki said. "You came in second. Shut down baby, he's still mine."  
"Still yours?" Ryoga frowned. "I don't feel like belonging to anyone."  
"Tough." Nabiki said, taking his arm. "Because you do. C'mon let's take a little trip."  
"To where?" Ryoga frowned.  
  
Later that day . . . at THE MALL  
  
"Nothing gets my mind off the loss of money better than spending some." Nabiki explained as she looked through various cloths shops. "And since you're strong, I'll wager you can carry twice as much as I usually do. And since daddy just won a million dollars we should be just fine when it comes to credit."  
"Has it been three hours yet?" Ryoga asked.  
"Just half an hour, honey."  
"Don't call me that." Ryoga sighed.  
Nabiki grinned wickedly. "I *like* calling you that." She shrugged. "We can see a movie if you want."  
"This mall is huge. Do you even remember where the exit is?"  
"I have a map." Nabiki said. "Lets see . . . now here was are in Teal sector, we need to get to the Apple-Red sector where all the jewelry stores are. The exits should be in Violet sector, and . . . wait, maybe this sector is apple red . . ."  
"It's cran-apple." Ryoga said.  
Nabiki looked at him for a moment. "You know colors?"  
"Yes. And we're not in teal sector, we're in turquoise sector, you've gotten us lost."  
"WHOA!" Nabiki gasped. "*You* of all people, accusing me of getting us lost?"  
"Yes." Ryoga shrugged. "I've been lost a lot, I know when I'm lost and I know when it's my fault. Usually it is my fault but for once I knew exactly where we were going so I blame it on you."  
Nabiki smiled. "Oh I blame *you*. I told you that you were rubbing off on me."  
"I think you may be color blind. The difference between turquoise and teal is self evident."  
"Whatever." Nabiki shrugged. "If you know your way around then why don't you lead us to Indigo sector and the food courts?"  
"Because I think we should be thinking of ways to apologize to Akane without her killing us before we finish the sentence."  
"Yes, we can talk that over later." Nabiki said. "I think we may just have found a cure for your directional problems."  
"I know the colors, I don't know directions." Ryoga shrugged.  
"I'll bet." Nabiki grinned. "Let's just see about that."  
  
A hour later . . .   
  
"I told you, I know colors, I don't know directions." Ryoga said.  
"I hate you." Nabiki sighed. The both of them were now thoroughly lost. Nabiki didn't know the stupid color sectors well enough to find an exit, and Ryoga, though he knew the colors didn't know which direction to go to find the next sector.  
"This is all your fault." Ryoga said. "Oh-sorry. That was your line."  
"Yer darn straight it's my line." Nabiki said. "I'm lost in a mall! That's not right at all!"  
"You did manage to rhyme." Ryoga said.  
"I do that all the time." Nabiki grinned.  
"You can stop that now." Ryoga sighed. 'Akane is going to kill me when we get back, maybe being lost isn't such a bad thing. And besides, I've got company. Granted that Nabiki is the last person I want to be lost with and a mall is the last place I want to be lost in, the alternative is explaining to Akane what I don't fully understand myself . . . hey I should write a poem about this, or a short story, I bet the magazines would eat it up!' Ryoga thought.  
Nabiki sighed again. "So . . . what sector is this?" She asked.  
"We're in Lavender."  
"I've never even heard of some of these colors." Nabiki said.  
"Well . . . let me see the map." Ryoga said. "Lets see now . . . we're not too far off, Lavender is right next to Indigo sector and those food courts you wanted to go to. We just have to walk around until we smell food. Then Indigo is right next to Violet and the exit so we just walk around from there until we smell fresh air."  
"How can you know what fresh air smells like?" Nabiki demanded.  
Ryoga shrugged. "I dunno. It sounded really smart though, didn't it?"  
"No." Nabiki shook her head. "Now I know how you feel being lost all the time. Okay we'll go with your idea since you are the expert." Nabiki said.  
  
They ended up in Mauve sector, which cruelly intersects into Lavender sector without warning and leads to Orange sector and so on and so forth. Five hours passed before finally Ryoga and Nabiki managed to escape the mall.  
"Okay!" Nabiki said. "I can take it from here. Ahem . . . did we come out the wrong exit? No! No! You really are starting to affect me Ryoga! I blame this whole incident on you!"  
"It's not my fault you're color blind." Ryoga said.  
"I'm not! I just don't know the difference between Berry Blue and Sky Blue!"  
"One is light like the sky, the other is dark like a blue berry." Ryoga said. "That's an easy one."  
"I hate you." Nabiki sighed. She grinned wickedly and grabbed Ryoga's arm. "What shall we tell Akane when we get home?"  
"I haven't thought of that." Ryoga admitted. Nabiki smiled at him, which seemed to make him nervous.  
"I know exactly what we'll tell her." Nabiki assured Ryoga. He didn't look assured. She kissed him on the cheek, he still didn't look assured but at least he didn't start whimpering like the last time they'd kissed.  
Then again, Nabiki had to ask herself why she'd kissed him at all.  
No time, before she knew it their little walk was at it's end and they were just outside the Tendo home. Nabiki was about to knock on the door. Ranma opened it quickly, Nabiki knocked anyway, whacking Ranma on the head as hard as she could.  
"Oh! Sorry Ranma, I didn't see you there." She lied.  
"Yeah, sure." Ranma said, rubbing his head. "Anyway, Kasumi wants to see you two."  
"Oh! Nabiki and Ryoga are home!" Akane cried . . . happily!  
"AAHHH! Akane is home!" Ryoga cried.  
"Well where did you *think* she would be?" Nabiki demanded.  
Ranma led Nabiki and Ryoga over to the kitchen where Kasumi was washing dishes. Nabiki silently cursed that she'd missed dinner. "Whazzap?" She asked.  
"Oh! Nabiki, Ryoga. So good of you to come. I was afraid you'd gotten lost."  
"We did." Ryoga said. "Your sister can't tell the difference between Sky blue and Berry blue."  
"Oh Nabiki!" Kasumi gasped. "It's so easy! One of light like the sky, the other is dark like a blue berry."  
"I hate you so much, Ryoga." Nabiki sighed.  
"Anyway, father and uncle Saotome have gone to Hawaii already. Or rather Father, Auntie Saotome and Jennifer the Panda have gone to Hawaii. I've been charged with keeping an eye on things."  
"Good for you." Nabiki said.  
"Yes, well I'm glad you brought Ryoga back because I'd like to ask him to stay here until father and uncle Saotome get home."  
'Like he has a choice-tehehe' Nabiki thought. She said "I'm sure he won't mind, right Ryoga?"  
"We'll actually I think I should be as far away from Akane as possible until I can find the right words to apologize-"  
"No need, it's done." Kasumi said calmly.  
"What?" Nabiki asked.  
"It was very simple." Kasumi said with a smile. "I simply told her that the only reason Ryoga pretended to be P-Chan was because I felt she could use a friend, and I told her that I'd asked you to play that role. Since I *was* there that night we saw you and Ranma fighting and you first became P-Chan my story was believable. Furthermore Akane had never undressed in front of P-Chan or told the piglet any embarrassing secrets that the entire population of Nerima didn't already know so there was no reason for her to desire your death from personal embarrassment.  
To top things off I also stated that you have no memory of things you do or see as a pig. By then she was to busy praising what a good friend you were to care."  
"How'd THAT happen?" Nabiki cried. "If you told me you'd hired some transforming freak-no offense Ryoga-to be my pet I'd be ticked off!"  
"Freak?" Ryoga asked. Nabiki ignored him as Kasumi explained various reasons that Akane had fallen for it, one of them being that Akane was simply stupid. Kasumi also explained that she'd "secretly hired" Ryoga as a mercenary to guard the Tendo home and having him be a pet pig was the perfect cover-though she'd not meant for Akane to find the pig and name it and so on. Nabiki wondered how Akane could have fallen for a story with so many plot holes. Then Kasumi brought out the statement that made the most sense. "And let us not forget that Akane is not the brightest star in the sky, I love her, but she's an idiot."  
"Perfect match for Ryoga." Nabiki nodded.  
"Oh, so now I'm a freak *and* an idiot!?" Ryoga demanded.  
"An Idiot-Freak, yes." Nabiki said. "But you're *my* idiot-freak."  
"Why don't I like the way you said that?" Ryoga asked.  
"Beats me." Nabiki shrugged. She looked at Kasumi who 'ahem'ed and raised her hand.  
"Let us also not forget that I've saved Ryoga's bacon, literally. I expect payment, thus while father and uncle Saotome are away Ryoga will guard our house and help me with the cleaning and such. If you want to help me prepare dinner as well that's fine too." Kasumi said. "But you are frankly my slave until father and uncle Saotome come back."  
"You two *are* sisters!" Ryoga cried. Nabiki had to admit she'd thought of herself as sort of the black sheep of the family but Kasumi was . . . well admirable in her clever trap. It worked so much better than a contract, if Ryoga betrayed her Kasumi need only tell Akane the truth.  
"I love you *sister*." Nabiki said.  
"I love you too." Kasumi said.  
"I'm not especially fond of you." Ryoga noted.  
"That's too bad." Nabiki sighed. "'Cause I just love you so much!" Nabiki squeezed him. Ryoga turned red.  
"That's enough of that." Kasumi said. "I'm sure you two must be hungry, I saved some diner for you-it isn't much because I spent so much time saying goodbye to father and uncle Saotome."  
"They left already?" Ryoga asked.  
"Yes, I believe I said that a while ago."  
"Oh . . . yeah." Ryoga nodded. "So now I'm the slave of two masters."  
"Mistresses." Nabiki corrected.  
"I hate my life."  
"It can get better if you let it." Kasumi said calmly. "At least that's what that lady on daytime talk says. And tomorrow you can stay home with me instead of going to school with Nabiki-we'll get some house work done and you can watch soap operas with me-I just *have* to show you Weeks of Our Lives."  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
The Commentary . . .  
GrimmZ: The time has come, my fellow authors! Those of us about to die, salute you!  
Ryoga: Those of us about to die?  
GrimmZ: Did you like the end of the show?  
Nabiki: I thought it was going to be Ryoga and me!  
Ryoga: Yeah! Then a nice romantic getaway on Hawaii!  
GrimmZ: Romantic? I guess Ryoga has never been to Hawaii. Anyway, I had to make a choice.  
That could have gone one of three ways! First, Nabiki and Ryoga could win and go to Hawaii (guess what happens THEN!) Or Soun and Genma can go, leaving all three Tendo children and Ranma and Ryoga alone without adult supervision (unless you count Kasumi) or Azusa and Mercedes can win and we get rid of her for the rest of the story!  
Nabiki: AHHH-ZUUUU-SAHHH! MERR-SEEEEE-DEEESSSSS!  
GrimmZ: Too late.  
Nabiki: DAMN!  
Ryoga: I think GrimmZ made the right choice. Now I can make out with Nabiki and not have to worry about getting caught!  
Nabiki: What about Kasumi?  
Ryoga: Not my type.  
Nabiki: You moron! I meant what if SHE catches you?  
Ryoga: . . . well in my fantasies she always joins in.  
Nabiki: You are so dead . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
  
"Kasumi is going to go to the hospital pretty soon, and I'll be in charge of the house. And you for that matter." Nabiki said. "Just a heads up, I think there's some house work Kasumi forgot to do."  
"Hospital? Is she okay?" Ryoga asked.  
"She's going to see Tofu, he's being committed to a mental institution. 'Bout bloody time if you ask me, anyone who's that nuts over Kasumi and wields a chainsaw ought to be locked up." Nabiki said.  
"Umm . . . Nabiki?" Ryoga asked.  
"What?" Nabiki asked, turning to him. He had his chance! He lunged forward, wrapped his arms around her and tried to kiss her. 


	11. My Kingdom for a Kiss

Disclaimer: I forgot to mention I don't own Hamtaro. Otherwise see previous chapters for all your disclaiming needs.  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 11  
My Kingdom for a Kiss  
  
"Oh please don't go!" Lori cried. "I'll do anything Gray, please don't leave me!"  
"But I must. For you see, Andrea is my one true love. I care for you, but I know that I've already found my soul mate. In time, you too will find yours."  
"But what about our baby?"  
"I . . . I . . . it's just to painful to think about. I'm sorry Lori, you'll have to raise little Duncan on your own."  
"But he needs his father! Oh don't leave me Bob!"  
"Gary." Gray corrected her.  
"Don't leave me Gray!"  
"I . . . have to. I'll always love you though, good bye."  
"But you just said you loved Andrea!"  
"Oh yeah . . . I was lying. I'll always love Andrea, I just didn't want to be rude, I mean I did knock you up and everything. See ya 'round." Gray said, he waved and walked out the door.  
"Oh Gray! I shall never love again!" Lori screamed.  
"Oh Lori! What's happened?" Ray, Gray's evil twin asked.  
"Oh Ray! Gray left me when I . . . when I told him the baby was really yours!"  
"But we've never slept together!"  
"Darn it!"  
"But don't worry Lori, I'll take care of this child as if it were my own!" Ray said.  
"You're really stupid! Yay!"  
And so Lori and Ray hugged and then had sex and lived happily ever after for the next five minutes. Then Gray came back in. "I've broken up with Andrea!" He said. "I'm in love with YOU Lori! I need you-RAY! My evil twin brother! In bed with MY Lori!"  
"Yo." Ray said, giving his brother thumbs up. "She's great!"  
"I'll kill you!" Gray shouted.  
"Yay! My lover and the father of my child has returned to me!"  
"You mean-" Ray gasped. "You were just using me for sex?"  
"Of course." Lori shrugged.  
"But your six months pregnant!" Ray cried.  
"Your point?" Lori raised an eyebrow.  
"Die Ray!" Gray shouted, shooting Ray in the head five times. Lori threw herself at Gray.  
"Oh Gray! My hero! Let's have sex!"  
"Yes!" Gray agreed. "But first, one of those llloooooonnnggg drawn out and overly dramatic kissing scenes."  
"Oh yay!" Lori squealed.  
------------------  
"You watch this sort of thing?" Ryoga demanded. "This is so . . . so stupid!"  
"I know!" Kasumi said. "Gray KNOWS that Andrea is having twins!"  
"You're nuts if you think those twins are his." Ryoga said. "They're Bob's."  
"Bob doesn't even like Andrea!" Kasumi protested.  
"Yeah, but he wasn't opposed some casual unprotected sex." Ryoga said.  
Kasumi grinned. "I thought you said this was stupid Ryoga. Why then, do you pay such close attention to it?"  
"I eh . . . no reason."  
------------------  
"Oh Gray! You're back!" Andrea cried.  
"I'm not Gray, I'm Ray!" Ray said.  
"Oh!"  
(Ryoga: Hey! He just got shot in the head five times!)  
"Andrea, I need you! Gray has decided to stay with Lori, he'll abandon you, but I'll always love you!"  
"Oh Roy-"  
"Ray." He corrected her.  
"Ray. I've loved you since the day I met you-today-and I can think of no one I'd rather be with!"  
"Darn straight." Ray said.  
(Ryoga: This makes no sense! Ray is supposed to be marrying Josephine in two days!)  
(Kasumi: Silence! Watch the long drawn our kissing scene!)  
And so there was a long drawn out kissing scene.  
-----------------  
Ryoga frowned. "Kasumi . . . this show is . . . it's so stupid!"  
"Oh? Well you're right. I'm tired of it anyway, let's watch As The Earth Spins." Kasumi offered. "It's a soap about astronauts in a space station." Kasumi said, wiping her eyes. "Oh I can't believe Ray and Andrea finally got together!"  
"What'cha mean 'finally'? They only met each other this same episode!" Ryoga said.  
  
Yes life in the Tendo Mansion (They had added a card board box to the side of the house to serve as Ryoga's storage closet for all his things and for some reason the little box made the entire house look like a mansion) was quite good. Ranma, Nabiki and Akane went to school, Ryoga stayed home with Kasumi and did her bidding. Thankfully she was a much easier taskmaster than Nabiki. Best of all, the old master Happosai generally kept to himself. The Ninjas were long gone, Azusa was . . . we'll they'd sort of left her at the WPDDC show, no one knew or cared what happened to her after that.  
However it was not until that night, while Ranma and Akane were off in Akane's room doing something that made the walls shake and involved Akane screaming things like "Give it to me harder" or "I'm such a bad girl, spank me s'more!" that Nabiki managed to ask Kasumi the question that had been at the back of her mind for all of two days.  
"Why'd you help Ryoga out in the first place?" Nabiki asked. "I mean, I could come up with a good lie to get myself out of trouble if it was me you were trying to protect."  
"I wasn't. I know you can handle yourself. I just thought you might want *your* Ryoga around a little longer, and a little more often." Kasumi said. "Grant if you will that you kept him around plenty often before."  
"Lies!"  
Kasumi sighed. "Is that so? Tell me then, Nabiki: why is it that you keep Ryoga as your slave?"  
"So he can do my chores."  
"What chores?" Kasumi asked. "I do just about everything around here." Nabiki was silent for a long time, so Kasumi continued. "It seems to me that there is something going on between you two. I plan to keep Ryoga around until he tells me what it is."  
"Since when are you so nosy?" Nabiki asked.  
"I'm not. I'm simply worried that my little sister might lose her virginity before me."  
"DEEPER RANMA!" Akane shouted from upstairs.  
"You're not a virgin You lost it when you were eighteen, you told me! Besides, what do you suppose *they* are doing?" Nabiki growled.  
"I am as much a virgin as you are an ice cream addict. As for Ranma and Akane, they are playing Monopoly. If they were having sex, which they seem to want us to believe they are doing, they'd be quieter about it." Kasumi said. "Whereas Akane is the only one screaming and moaning so I'd suspect she's beating Ranma at whatever game they're playing."  
"Like *that's* hard to do." Nabiki scoffed.  
"Yes, but consider what a sore loser Akane is, and how happy she is when she does win."  
"YOU ROCK MY WORLD RANMA! DEEPER BABY! GO DEEPER!"  
"Are you sure they are playing Monopoly? Why is she telling him to go deeper?"  
"Uh . . . well . . . eh . . . oh dear." Kasumi frowned.  
"DEEPER IN DEBT RANMA! DEEPER IN DEBT!"  
"Oh, okay that explains everything." Kasumi said.  
"Does it now?" Nabiki scowled.  
"Certainly. Akane wants Ranma to go into a deeper debt." Kasumi said.  
"THAT'S RIGHT! WE'RE NOT HAVING SEX! OH GOD RANMA IT'S SOO GOOOOD!"  
"That's it, I'm going up there!" Nabiki snapped.  
"Don't bother." Kasumi said. "I no longer think I want to know what's going on up there."  
"Oh sure. And here you are accusing me and Ryoga of such things."  
"Well I guess I'll just have to make sure you two never *do* get the chance to do that sort of thing." Kasumi said happily.  
"Oh like fun you will!" Nabiki hissed. "If I wanted to I'd find a way you hear me!? I'll wait until you've left for the market or something, then me and Ryoga will give Ranma and Akane some competition!" Nabiki paused as if to listen to her own words, then frowned and added quickly; "Is . . . what I would be saying if I liked Ryoga in that way. But I don't . . . I'll be good!"  
Kasumi help up a tape recorder. "Will you now?"  
"I was just kidding!" Nabiki cried.  
"This is so much fun!" Kasumi squealed. "Now, do be a sweetie and pay me for my silence."  
"Oh why you-I'll get you-you'll see!" Nabiki growled and paid Kasumi for the tape. "I was just kidding!"  
"Sure you were." Kasumi grinned. "You know I'm starting to see why you like doing this to people. But I will use my money for good causes."  
"You think I don't!?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Ice cream is *not* a good cause. Not a bad cause, but it isn't necessarily a *good* cause." Kasumi said.  
"Aww shaddap." Nabiki growled. 'I'm getting all screwed up, Kasumi should NEVER have gotten her hands on MY money! I'm too distracted, I blame Ryoga!' Nabiki thought. 'I'll have to make him pay me back the money I gave to Kasumi . . .'  
  
"Oh Betty! I didn't mean to put the alcohol in your soda!"  
"But Billy, how can you expect me to believe that you accidentally spiked my drink?"  
"Eh . . . eh . . . I love you so much!"  
"Yay!"  
-------------  
"How can she believe that?" Ryoga cried.  
"But love can find you at any time." Kasumi said.  
"Yeah, but he doesnt love her! He just wanted to get laid!" Ryoga asked. "What kind of audience are they trying to advertise to?"  
"You're right, we should change the-"  
"Don't touch that dial!" Ryoga cried.  
-------------  
"Oh! Hi Billy!" Andrea said.  
"Hi sis! Betty and I are gonna go and eh . . . do it now. Bye!"  
"Well okay, have fun!"  
-------------  
"Andrea is Billy's sister?! But she's Betty's aunt!" Ryoga cried.  
"No, you're thinking of Angora." Kasumi corrected. "Andrea's evil twin sister who is also possessed by the devil!"  
". . . So many evil twins on this show!"  
"But that is how ALL soaps are."  
"So not true!" Ryoga said. "I admit most make less sense than this, some make more."  
"Oh really." Kasumi scoffed. "Soaps are fun and romantic, but they are completely false."  
"No! No I don't believe you! If Lori and Gray's love isn't real what is?" Ryoga cried.  
"Oh Ryoga, poor, poor silly Ryoga. Take for example, the kiss. They kiss for a full on sixty seconds. They don't breathe. It's ridiculous, no one kisses that way."  
"Not true!" Ryoga cried. "This show is love as it should be, you can't tell me it isn't real!"  
"Ryoga . . . it's just a show. More real than any anime or cartoon mind you, but still not really real."  
"ANIME ISN'T REAL?" Ryoga cried. "NO! No! It can't be true!" He ran off screaming.  
Kasumi shook her head. "Poor boy. Good thing I didn't tell him about Santa."  
"What about Santa?" Nabiki asked, coming through the door.  
"Oh! Welcome home Nabiki! School ended early?"  
"It's eh . . . Kasumi it's Saturday. Are you feeling okay?"  
"Certainly."  
"Good. Now what's that about Santa?"  
"Oh, I was just thinking it was a good thing I didn't tell Ryoga he wasn't real."  
"HE'S NOT?!" Nabiki screamed. "No! No! Nothing good can come of this news! I must find something black to wear as I go into mourning!"  
"Uh . . . Nabiki . . . you already *know* Santa isn't real." Kasumi frowned.  
"Hmm? Why so I do . . ." Nabiki grinned, sitting down on the couch next to Kasumi. "What's going on anyway?"  
"Oh I just got done telling Ryoga that soap operas weren't real."  
"WAH!" Ryoga sobbed from his hiding place (a closet)  
"He's taking it pretty hard." Nabiki frowned.  
"Oh no, he took it rather well. It was when I told him that Anime wasn't real that he broke."  
"But Kasumi . . . if Anime isn't real . . . then we're . . ."  
"Yes?" Kasumi asked.  
Nabiki shook her head. Kasumi wondered what it was that everyone found so hard to believe about Anime not being real. "Never mind." Nabiki sighed.  
Kasumi smiled. "Anyway Nabiki, I have a deal for you."  
"Which is?" Nabiki asked.  
"I'm going to the mental institute where I heard they just moved Dr. Tofu. I'm bringing him these cookies . . . oh dear, half of them are gone."  
"Wonder(crunch)how that happened(munch)who could be a cookie thief? I bet its(chew)Akane." Nabiki said, with her mouth full like a squirrel storing nuts. Kasumi wonderd how the heck her sister managed to stay so thin.  
"Oh well. I'm sure they won't let him have them anyway. It's the gesture that counts."  
"Mm-hmm."  
"So anyway Nabiki, you are in charge until I get home. The deal is this: If you can keep the house in one piece until I return, I'll buy a gallon of ice cream when I get back."  
"Done! Wait . . . NO! I hate the kind that comes in the gallon. It isn't worth it-be gone pretender." Nabiki scoffed.  
"But all you have to do is make sure all four walls are still up when I get back-and the ice cream is yours . . . free . . ."  
"Don't . . . tempt me . . . must . . . not . . . give in-screw it you got a deal." Nabiki nodded.  
"Good." Kasumi said. "Oh . . . where is Akane?"  
Nabiki frowned. "Hmm . . . eh . . . I dunno . . ."  
------------------  
FLASHBACK  
------------------  
"'An if I stand in this phone booth fer five hours it'll increase my martial arts skills?" Ranma asked.  
"Yes. But you have to be completely light. No weight on you except your cloths. So I need your house keys, your school books, your watch . . . oh, and any money you might have on you." Nabiki said.  
"Done!" Ranma cried.  
"Nabiki! That's not nice!"  
"Oh! Why hello Akane." Nabiki smiled. "How are you today?"  
"Fine! Why are you scamming Ranma?"  
"Because he's so stupid I can!" Nabiki said with enthusiasm. Then she became very dark, her voice trembled with rage "And he messed with me and Ryoga, and made us lose that show! I won't let him get away with that, It's my mission to make his life HELL from now on! No one humiliates me and lives! What's more his stunt freed *my* Ryoga from our contract, once his original term is up he's free instead of the endless cycle I had planned for him! It's all Ranma's fault!" Nabiki rambled, no longer aware that she was actually speaking.  
"I see . . . Nabiki, can we talk for a moment?"  
"No." Nabiki said.  
"Please? Can't you spare a moment for your baby sister?" Akane pleaded.  
"Curse you woman!" Nabiki spat. "You know I can't resist that "baby sister" bit. Okay what's on your mind." Nabiki asked after locking Ranma in the phone booth.  
*Hey! Lemme out'a 'ere you crazy-hey! Don't leave me here! Nabiki! Hey Nabiki! I know where ya live!*  
"So, Akane, you were saying?" Nabiki asked.  
"How did you and Ryoga get together in the first place Nabiki?"  
"Time is money. You want to hear my story, I want a thousand yen."  
"Did he save you from disaster like a knight in shining armor? Did you save him? Did you like each other from the start or is this new?"  
"Haven't seen my thousand yen yet." Nabiki noted. Akane growled and paid her half the amount demanded.  
"It's all I've got! Honest!"  
"I see . . ."  
"So? Tell me how you and Ryoga got together!"  
"Why do you want to know?" Nabiki asked.  
"'Cause I saw you two kissing and I just KNOW you're madly in love!" Akane whined. "I want to know how it happened!"  
*NABIKI! Hey! Hey this aint funny no more!*  
"Okay Akane. Here's the truth. Ryoga and I . . ." Nabiki paused. 'If I tell her that we are not in love, she'll leave us alone. But if I make up a really funny story and I get her interested enough, then I can make her pay me for every sentence!' Nabiki grinned wickedly. "It was a beautiful summer. Ryoga and I met at a sidewalk café in France."  
"In France? But what were you two doing in France?"  
"Silence you silly girl. You know Ryoga has the worse sense of direction in the world." Nabiki said. "And *I* was in France because . . . eh . . . I'd swindled Kuno-baby out of some first class seats. Yeah-that's it."  
"Wow!" Akane said. "Go on!"  
"One hundred yen." Nabiki smiled.  
"What!?"  
"My throat is dry, I'll have to buy a drink. Your one hundred yen would be a great down payment."  
"Oh fine!" Akane scowled. "Now tell me more!"  
"Sure. Let's see . . . eh . . . eh . . . Ryoga and I . . . eh . . . Oh! Oh I know! Ryoga was lost and I helped him find the airport and I got him a flight home, but it got canceled due to blizzards!"  
"But you said it was summer!"  
"One hundred yen interruption charge!" Nabiki scowled.  
"Fine! Fine here! Continue!" Akane cried.  
"So then we left the airport and he had nowhere to go, so I offered him the chance to stay with me at my hotel suite. It's all on the Kuno family bill, but I charged him two hundred eh . . . doubloons, French money, for it anyway. He didn't know what doubloons were so I told him two thousand yen. I'm not sure if that's a fair equivalent, but then again, it didn't care."  
"I don't think they use doubloons anymore. And I think doubloons are Spanish. And I think two hundred dabloons would be far more expensive then two thousand yen." Akane said.  
"Silence! That's two hundred yen, you've been warned!" Nabiki said.  
"Okay fine! But it's all I have I swear!"  
"I've heard *that* before." Nabiki said. "Anyway, we talked for a long time then we both decided that Ranma was an evil slime that must DIE!" Nabiki kicked the phone booth and Ranma jumped in surprise. "So we made an alliance. And then partnership became friendship, friendship became love, love led to sex, sex led to teenage pregnancy, you know the drill. Fork over two hundred yen if you want the rest of the story."  
"What story? You lied! You never got pregnant! You tricked me that way once, but not again!"  
"Of course not!" Nabiki scowled. "You expect me to tell the truth for half price?"  
"I don't have any more money." Akane pleaded. "Can't I just owe you?"  
"I tell no stories on credit." Nabiki said.  
"Okay fine . . . eh . . . here! A thousand yen, please tell me the TRUE story!"  
Nabiki inspected the money, then pocketed it. "Very good. Pleasure doing business with you."  
"Tell me the story!" Akane pleaded.  
"Oh. Righto. How Ryoga and I got together? Nothing to tell, we're not together. I just kept him around to take care of my spring-cleaning. The end." Nabiki smiled.  
Akane fell over. She leapt up again and cried, "I want my money back!"  
"Who do you think you're talking to?" Nabiki asked. "Hello? It's *me* Nabiki. I don't do refunds."  
"But I saw you and Ryoga kiss!"  
"That was an accident." Nabiki shrugged.  
"Oh YEAH? Well we'll just see about that!" Akane stormed off. Nabiki shrugged. Akane then turned around, stomped back over to Nabiki and said "Before I go, just one question!"  
"Yes?"  
"If you don't really like Ryoga, is it okay if *I* date him?"  
Nabiki's eyes thinned. "You wouldn't want to do that. After all, you're engaged to Ranma."  
"What Ranma don't know wont hurt him."  
*I'm right HERE!*  
Nabiki sighed. "Well if you want to date Ryoga, there is one thing you have to do first."  
"What's that?" Akane asked.  
"See that telephone booth next to Ranma's? Call Ryoga up and ask him if he likes you."  
"Oh! Okay!" Akane walked into the telephone booth, Nabiki closed it behind her sister and locked it with her magical key. *HEY! Hey Nabiki! Wait a second I don't have any money to call Ryoga!*  
"Hah! Forget it! You're not dating anyone! Ryoga is MINE! All mine!" Nabiki laughed maniacally. She walked off laughing, leaving two very angry and probably vengeful martial artists trapped in two telephone booths.  
---------------  
CURRENT  
---------------  
"Hmm . . . where is Akane . . . haven't got a clue." Nabiki shrugged.  
  
Ryoga Hibiki was lost. He wasn't sure where he was, it was dark, and there wasn't much room to move. He couldn't go very far either because the ceiling was covered in some sort of thick heavy soft things and if he moved to much they fell on him and then he would be crushed.  
He sat crouched thinking about what Kasumi had said. "Soaps aren't real" "the kiss is ridiculous" "anime isn't real"  
Oh he'd show Kasumi! He'd kiss Akane just like on the soap operas then she'd know that such a kiss was in fact possible! Ryoga thought for a moment . . . Akane was engaged to Ranma . . . and she probably wouldn't like being kissed by the guy who until so recently was her pet. Okay then, Nabiki! 'Heck she kisses P-Chan often enough!' Ryoga thought. 'And she threatens me so often, she'll probably go for it, no problem!'  
Then the door opened and who should be standing there but Nabiki herself!  
"Ryoga!" She exclaimed. "What are you doing in my closet?"  
"I got lost!" Ryoga said. "I had nowhere to go and I ended up in here on accident."  
"What ever will I do with you?" She sighed. She helped him up and out of the closet. "Kasumi is going to go to the hospital pretty soon, and I'll be in charge of the house. And you for that matter." Nabiki said. "Just a heads up, I think there's some house work Kasumi forgot to do."  
"Hospital? Is she okay?" Ryoga asked.  
"She's going to see Tofu, he's being committed to a mental institution. 'Bout bloody time if you ask me, anyone who is that nuts over Kasumi and wields a chainsaw ought to be locked up." Nabiki said.  
"Umm . . . Nabiki?" Ryoga asked.  
"What?" Nabiki asked, turning to him. He had his chance! He lunged forward, wrapped his arms around her and tried to kiss her.  
  
GrimmZ: And I'll end the chapter right there . . . make you poor people wait to see if he succeeds!  
Nabiki: Oh no you WONT!  
  
Their lips touched, and Ryoga felt a surge of adrenaline, his heart pounded faster and faster in his chest, and he felt weakened for the first time in his life-without having been in a fight that is-but he found this all quite enjoyable. Until of course Nabiki surprised him by wrapping her arms around him, and forcing her tongue into his mouth. They broke their kiss immediately.  
"What was *that* for?!" Ryoga demanded.  
"I should darn well ask you the same thing! I had to stop you somehow!" Nabiki said, though Ryoga could tell she was lying. She leaned forward again, and her lips brushed gently against his, before anything else could happen though . . .  
"HAH!" Akane cried. "I knew it!"  
"It's not what you think!" Nabiki and Ryoga both cried at once.  
  
"I live in the halls, of the nice padded walls!" Tofu sang. "I had a chainsaw, but . . . what rhymes with Chainsaw?" He asked the two-way mirror. No answer.  
Then Kasumi came in. "Oh Dr. Tofu! I'm so happy to see you!"  
"Oh Kasumi!" Tofu said. "How nice of you to come!"  
"I brought you a present!" Kasumi said happily.  
"Screw that, let's have wild and crazy sex!" Tofu blurted.  
"Oh doctor, you're so silly when your delirious!" Kasumi said. "Even if you meant that, we couldn't get your straight jacket off, and I'd be so offended by the comment that I'd murder you in cold blood anyway. Poor, poor silly man."  
"Where is my chainsaw? He said he'd back me up in court!"  
"The Chainsaw wont be talking anymore." Kasumi said cheerfully.  
"Oh god! They KILLED him!?"  
"Eh . . . yes." Kasumi said.  
"I will have my revenge! Kasumi, get me a bottle of liquor."  
"Right here!" Kasumi said, producing the bottle.  
"Now poor it all over the floor."  
"Why?"  
"That's what we gang-stas do when we lose a homey."  
"Eh . . . okay . . . I guess . . ."  
"Little more . . . little more . . . don't be stingy, that chainsaw was the best friend I've had since Betty! C'mon woman poor the whole bottle!"  
Kasumi smiled happily. "Oh well . . . poor Dr. Tofu. I guess we wont be seeing you outside these padded walls for a *long* time. I'm so sad. But I'll visit." Kasumi assured him.  
"I'm perfectly sane!" Tofu whispered. "But Kasumi, they serve free meals here!"  
"Actually I'm pretty sure they either charge your family, or give you a bill when you leave."  
"GAH!"  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
  
Ryoga seemed caught up in thought for a moment. Then nodded. "Alright, fine." He said. "C'mon then, let's go . . . eh . . . somewhere romantic."  
"Where?"  
"Eh . . . I don't know." 


	12. For The Dog Swinging Siren!

Disclaimer: See past chapters.  
A/N: I want to thank everyone who originally reviewed this chapter, without their support the story might not have continued. Or something like that, reviews are cool because they let you know what people think. Although most people brown nose so you wont hate them, don't worry, I don't grudge opinions, I tend to ignore pointless personal insults that have nothing to do with the story though. I guess that is a way of grudging opinions though. Man, I'm such a hypocrite, huh? Is that even the right word? See I like to use big words so people don't think I'm a dummy like everyone else.  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 12  
For The Dog Swinging Siren!  
  
"Okay Akane," Nabiki said. "There is a *very* good explanation for what you've just seen."  
"You two are in love!" Akane squealed, she began to dance around the room.  
"That's not true," Nabiki said. "You see sweetie, some times when two people are very bored they might kiss or do other things just because they are irresponsible with their bodies and young and don't think they will grow up to regret it. Like Kasumi."  
"What about Kasumi?" Ryoga frowned. Nabiki put her hand up to silence him.  
"You see Akane, Ryoga and I are-"  
"In love!" Akane cried.  
"Howzat?" Ranma poked his head into the room. "Hey Nabiki, my martial arts skills ain't improved none, I want my money and my stuff back."  
"You can have your stuff back but you never gave me any money." Nabiki lied.  
"Ranma!" Akane shouted. "Are you listening to me? My big sister and your best friend are in love!"  
"Hmm? Yeah I heard ya . . . best friend? Ukyo!?"  
"Ryoga!" Akane cried.  
"But Ryoga ain't my best friend, he's my rival!"  
"You fool, Ranma!" Ryoga cried. "Why would Ukyo be in love with Nabiki?"  
"Why wouldn't she?" Nabiki shrugged. "I'm attractive to both sexes, I'm sure. I mean I get offers from that waitress of hers whenever she thinks no one's looking."  
"Her waitress is a . . . eh . . . never mind." Ranma said.  
"Nabiki and I are *not*--" Ryoga began, but Akane cut him off.  
"I saw you two kiss!"  
"Which kiss did you see?" Ryoga demanded, a stupid move on his part since all he'd done was tell Akane that they had kissed twice. "'Cause the first time I was just trying to prove that it was possible to kiss like on those soap operas."  
"What!?" Nabiki demanded.  
"I wanted to prove Kasumi wrong!" Ryoga declared. "She said soaps aren't real! She said Anime wasn't real!"  
"Ryoga . . ." Nabiki frowned. "Soaps . . . eh . . . aren't . . . eh I'm sure Kasumi was just kidding. You kissed me for nothing."  
"Oh I wouldn't say THAT!" Akane cried. She held up a camera, "Lets take a picture of the happy couple!"  
"What are you *on*?" Nabiki asked. "Since when do you care *who* I date?"  
Akane glared at Nabiki. "You drafted me to marry a complete stranger, I get to muck around in your love life, it's a fair deal! And it's either THAT or I show everyone at school the tape Kasumi sold me! Containing your plans for giving me and Ranma competition!"  
"Competition? Oh thank god!" Ranma cried. "Some one needs to smack Akane around a couple of times in Monopoly, she goes nuts and starts screaming like a whore whenever she's winning."  
"Yes we know." Nabiki nodded.  
"I'm so confused." Ryoga sighed. "What were we talking about?"  
Nabiki shook her head. "Nothing. Because you and I are not in love, we kissed . . . on accident."  
"Your tongue accidentally went into-" Nabiki slapped Ryoga to shut him up. Too late, the damage was done.  
"A French kiss?" Akane squealed. She began to dance around the room again. "Wow! You two frenched! WWEEE!"  
"Oh god I think I'm going to have to kill her soon." Nabiki growled.  
"C'mon Akane, let's leave Ryoga and his new girl friend alone." Ranma grinned wickedly, winking at Ryoga.  
Nabiki made a mad attempt to kick him in the crotch but he dodged her this time.  
"If you really wanted to be my boyfriend you'd kick Ranma's butt for me." Nabiki mumbled.  
"But I don't want to-"  
"But then why did you kiss me?" Nabiki demanded. She glared at him. "To prove Kasumi wrong when she wasn't even around?"  
"Eh . . . damn you and your logic!" Ryoga cried. "I don't know why I did it!"  
"You wouldn't do it again, would you?"  
"Why? Are you asking me to?" Ryoga scoffed.  
"Maybe." Nabiki shrugged. "It doesn't mater. If you did I'd kick you in the balls so hard Ranma would feel it!" Nabiki sat down on her bed for a moment. And shook her head. "Okay! Fine! Get your jacket Ryoga."  
"My what? I don't have a jacket."  
"Well that's tough. I guess we'll have to buy you one."  
"Why?" Ryoga asked. Nabiki grinned wickedly.  
She turned to him and said, "So you don't catch a cold my pig-boy love muffin."  
"What did you just call me!?" Ryoga cried.  
"C'mon Snookums, we're going out for a while." Nabiki said, grabbing her coat with one hand, and Ryoga by the arm with her other.  
"Snookums?! You're crazy!"  
"That I may well be. But No one french kisses Nabiki Tendo and gets away with it!"  
"But you frenched ME!" Ryoga cried as Nabiki dragged him out of her room. She walked by Akane's room and saw Ranma and Akane were actually playing monopoly.   
"Hey!" She hissed. "Ryoga and I are . . . going shopping. Don't wait up. Keep an eye on the house. Make damn sure Kasumi buys Chocolate ice cream."  
"Actually I prefer cookies and cream." Ryoga mumbled.  
"I didn't ask you, did I!?" Nabiki hissed. She dragged him out the door.   
She did hear Akane tell Ranma as they left, "Gee . . . a date already . . . we should follow them and take pictures then Nabiki wont be able to lie and say she isn't in love with Ryoga!"  
"Why do ya care?"  
"Because I'm nosy!" Akane cried.  
Nabiki scowled. "C'mon Ryoga. You better be thinking of someplace romantic to take me!"  
"Are you kidding!?" Ryoga cried. "I don't even know where *I* am half the time, you want me to take *you* somewhere?"  
Nabiki nodded. "A valid point." She admitted.  
  
Tatewaki Kuno waited in ambuscade for Fanged Wanderer and Nabiki Tendo. He would defeat this "Charlotte" and bring him to the Dog Swinging Siren of his very dreams!  
"Why don't we just go to Ukyo's place?" Nabiki Tendo grumbled.  
"Because Ukyo will just end up calling me a jackass or something." Her companion said.  
"AHA!" Kuno cried, leaping from his ambuscade, he lunged forward. "Behold the power of Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder!"  
"Hmm? Who are you?" Some guy asked.  
"You are not Nabiki Tendo and Fanged Wanderer!" Kuno cried. He glared at the two five year olds and growled in frustration.  
"Are you looking for *us* Kuno-baby?" Nabiki Tendo sighed from behind him.  
"How did you get past my ambush?" Kuno whined.  
"Maybe you're just slow." Nabiki Tendo shrugged.  
"Well it is no matter! I, Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder will capture your pig." Kuno growled.  
"Eh . . . how's about . . . NO!" Nabiki growled back. "P-Chan is . . . *was* Akane's pet. And Ryoga is my personal slave." Nabiki said.  
"The disgrace!" Kuno cried. He glared at Fanged Wanderer-er Ryoga. "Face me in combat, and I, Tatewaki Kuno, Blue Thunder, shall end thy suffering!"  
"You like to say your own name a lot don't you?" Ryoga said. Nabiki Tendo slipped her arm around his and dragged him off.  
"Let's go then, we've got things to do." She said.  
"Eh . . . on second thought . . . I, Ryoga Hibiki accept your challenge Tatewaki Kuno!" Ryoga tore away from Nabiki and wielded a bandanna menacingly.  
  
"You know, if I had arms I'd be happy." Tofu said.  
"But you *have* arms." Akane frowned.  
"Oh? Do I? I haven't been able to feel them for quite some time."  
"Ya don't say . . ." Ranma shrugged.  
"So . . . why are you two here?" Tofu asked.  
"We were trying to follow Nabiki and Ryoga, but we're pretty sure they got lost somewhere and we can't find them now. We heard Kuno shouting at some one and decided to go in the opposite direction of his voice." Akane said. "They are on a date."  
"Nabiki and Ryoga? Good for them. Power to the Lesbians!" Tofu cried.  
"Uh . . . actually Ryoga is a guy." Ranma said.  
"I know. What does that have to do with anything?" Tofu asked.  
"Well ya said "Power to the Lesbians!" and Ryoga is a guy." Ranma shrugged.  
"Quite so." Tofu said. "And I truly meant that. Power to Lesbians, they make life worth living!"  
"Are you feeling okay doctor?" Akane asked. "You're a little . . . actually you're *very* out of character."  
"I know. Fear not, the lesbians shall save me, I've seen it in a vision."  
"The lesbians eh?" Ranma shook his head. "I pity you."  
"Don't. In my vision I learn the lesbians are Bi and I get to make sweet love to them both. They both look like Kasumi as it were."  
"Okay, we should leave now." Akane said.  
"See ya doc!" Ranma shrugged.  
Tofu nodded. He began to sing again. "I am Tofu! I live in the halls of the nice padded walls, I had a chainsaw but then the cops saw, they took my chainsaw and killed him, what a shame, society is to blame and now I'm in the halls of the nice padded walls!"  
"Quick! Give him another sedative!" The doctor cried.  
  
Meanwhile . . . lament all ye who read this next part . . .  
"So you say you are a talk show host?" Kodachi demanded.  
"Eh . . . yeah." Phil Satyr shuddered. This girl was pure evil, he could feel it in his bones.  
"What sort of talk shows?"  
"Well I have The Yesterday Show where I talk with stars about . . . stuff. And I have, The Dating Game, where I interview hot young chicks and set them up with hot young guys."  
"I see . . . how is that working out?"  
"Not so good." Phil admitted. "One time the bachelorette chose another girl from the audience, another the bachelorette was actually married and I ended up getting arrested, another time, after my parole, the bachelorette just ran off before the show ended. I have yet to play matchmaker successfully." Phil mused.  
"Very well . . . I accept!" Kodachi said. "I will go on your dating game show, if my darling Ranma Saotome can be on the show as well."  
"I didn't offer!"  
"Mr. Green Turtle!"  
A huge crocodile showed up from out of nowhere and lunged for Phil.   
"HOLY MOTHER OF-You know you're just the sort of girl I'm looking for to launch my brand new, Japanese Dating Game!" Phil said. "I'd love it if you could come on the show!"  
"Indeed I shall." Kodachi agreed. "If . . ."  
"Right, I'll make sure this Saotome guy gets on too."  
"It is a deal then. Excellent!" Kodachi laughed wickedly.  
  
Nabiki sat at a table in the Cat Café. She watched impatiently as Ryoga continued to fight Kuno.   
The two were down to just trading blows.  
Ryoga lunged forward, hands balled into fists, Kuno dodged, and hit him in the back of the head with the hilt of his sword. Ryoga took the hit in stride-as if he had any feeling in his head anyway-and kicked Kuno in the face, which the older boy also took in stride-as if *he* had any feeling in *his* head anyway-and the two inconsiderate martial artists left Nabiki alone at her table, to watch them in a state that was the closest she came to boredom since . . . well since that night she'd first learned Ryoga's dirty little secret.  
"Hey! Ryoga!" She shouted. "Are you about done?"  
"Almost!" Ryoga cried triumphantly as he knocked Kuno out of the air.  
"You're helpless!" Nabiki whined.  
"They still fight?" Shampoo sighed. "Stupid, stupid boys."  
"You're telling me." Nabiki grumbled.  
"Shampoo stop them. For price."  
"Why does everyone want to be me?" Nabiki scowled.  
"You get Shampoo date with Ranma!" Shampoo declared. "Promise this and Shampoo get lost boy stop fighting sword boy."  
"Oh *that* all? Sure, whatever."  
Shampoo walked out of the café, and glared at the two fighters. "AIYA!" She shouted. They both stopped and looked at her. She pulled her shirt up for a split second, and Kuno and Ryoga fell off the lamppost they had been playing "King of the Hill" on.  
As it was, Mousse who hadn't even been looking in Shampoo's direction suddenly fainted with a bloody nose.  
And Shampoo had only shown her belly button, she hadn't even done a complete flash. Nabiki scowled at Ryoga as Shampoo dragged him and Kuno to the table and set them down.  
"Shampoo done Shampoo's part of deal. You do yours."  
Nabiki nodded. "Yeah, I'll make sure Ranma dates you." She glared at Ryoga and Kuno. "As for *you* two!" She hissed at 'the men in her life'. "I don't take being ignored very kindly."  
"My apologies Nabiki Tendo. But I must bring the Charlotte to my Dog Swinging Siren or I shall never earn her love again!"  
"That eager to be Marianne again eh?" Nabiki scowled.  
Kuno thought for a moment. "What are you talking about?" He asked.  
"Hello? Anyone home? Don't you remember when she dragged you around calling you her Marianne?"  
Kuno leapt up. "That's the SAME girl!?"  
"Bingo Kuno-baby." Nabiki nodded. Kuno ran away crying.  
Ryoga was panting. He shook his head. "Do you think Shampoo has a phone number?" He asked. "I should ask her for it."  
Nabiki glared at him. "All she did was show you her belly button!"  
"It was a cute belly button!"  
"I have a belly button too, and you never asked for *my* number!"  
"Yeah, well you're always blackmailing me." Ryoga shrugged.  
"Oh sure." Nabiki said. "One little thing eh? One little mistake and you're going for Shampoo." Nabiki scowled. "Maybe I blackmail you, but at least I don't call you "lost boy"!"  
"Yes you do! And you call me Snookums!"  
"But in an affectionate way!" Nabiki grinned. She shook her head. "Okay, forget it. Let's just pretend Kuno didn't try to take you to Azusa, and think of something to do tonight."  
"I can think of something." Ryoga said seductively.   
Nabiki batted her eyelashes at him, "Why Ryoga, you-"  
"We can set a trap for Ranma and destroy him!" Ryoga cried.  
Nabiki sighed. "You're just sad. You know that?"  
"I'm pretty happy right now." Ryoga said. "Your plans never backfire, you'll be able to come up with something brilliant, I just know it!"  
"Maybe . . . maybe." Nabiki shrugged. "But what's in it for me?"  
"The satisfaction of Ranma's destruction?"  
"No, that's what's in it for *you*, what's in it for me?" Nabiki asked.  
"What do you want?"  
Nabiki shook her head. "I'll make you a deal Ryoga. Show me a good time tonight, and I'll get you Ranma tomorrow, after he dates Shampoo."  
Ryoga seemed caught up in thought for a moment. Then nodded. "Alright, fine." He said. "C'mon then, let's go . . . eh . . . somewhere romantic."  
"Where?"  
"Eh . . . I don't know."  
Nabiki sighed. "Why don't we just go see a movie then?"  
"Yay! I've wanted to see the new Barry Totter movie for a year now!" Ryoga said.  
"I doubt it's still in theaters." Nabiki sighed.  
"Oh . . . well I don't really watch TV too often." He said. "I don't know what's in, and what's out of theaters."  
"You're hopeless!" Nabiki sighed.  
  
Akane and Ranma snuck around the Mental Institution's complex, dressed in complete black like ninjas. Ukyo and Konatsu were with them as well.  
"Y'all came to the right girl Ranma-honey." Ukyo was saying. "If anyone knows how to break people out of prison it's me and Konatsu."  
"We break each other out on a semi-regular basis." Konatsu shrugged. "Yep. Those girls in St. Athena's Female Correctional facilities (don't think it really exists, but I don't own it anyway) are the very ones who made Ukyo a 'woman' if you know what I mean."  
Ukyo whacked Konatsu on the back of the head with her battle Spatula. "We agreed to never speak of that again Konatsu!" She hissed.  
"Well here's the deal, we have to break Dr. Tofu out of the mental hospital, I'm pretty sure they are conducting mental experiments on him." Akane said.  
"They better not try anything like that on ME!" Ranma said.  
Akane nodded. "Don't worry, you lack the necessary equipment Ranma."  
"That's good to know." Ranma said in relief. "Hey!" He cried when he figured out what she meant.  
"Whoa! Whoa now sugar," Ukyo said. "A mental institution? I've never broken into one of those before, they have a security run tighter than any prison!"  
"That's why we called you!" Akane frowned.  
"Well . . . okay I guess we can do this. Let's go for it!" Ukyo cried. The four ninjas leapt over the barbed wire fence and ran for the compound. They didn't know it but soon they would drop like flies.  
First the attack dogs took Konatsu down, and then the giant bubble thing engulfed Ranma.  
"Keep running!" Ukyo cried.  
"It hurts!" Konatsu screamed.  
"This is the second time I've been trapped in something today!" Ranma shouted.  
Akane could feel her heart pounding in her chest, she ran faster and faster, she heard Ukyo scream, she turned back and saw the spatula-wielding girl hanging by her leg from a tree.  
"What kind of place IS this?!" Akane screamed.  
"Keep going!" Ukyo cried. "It's all over for us!"  
"I can't leave you! Oh wait-yes I can!" Akane cried, she ran for dear life.  
"Hey! You're not really supposed to leave us! Hey! You slut!" Ukyo shouted after her. Akane turned around, ran up to Ukyo, slapped her, then ran off for the compound, screaming like a maniac.  
Akane ran on, then the wolf riding security elements chased after her. One of them threw what looked like a pair of rocks tied together with a rope at Akane's legs, it tied around them and she fell forward in front of a big sign. Spotlights went on, one shining on each of the four trespassers.  
A security guard walked up to Akane and used his flashlight to shine some light on the sign in  
front of her.  
"Can't you read?" He demanded.  
The sign read:  
Do Not Walk On Grass.  
  
Kasumi came home late that night, she inspected the house. It was still in one piece. She looked  
around but no one was home. There was a note from Akane.  
*Dear Kasumi, took Ranma, Ukyo and Konastu to bust Dr. Tofu out of the institute, be back for dinner.*  
Kasumi nodded. "How sweet of Akane to leave a note. Now where did Nabiki go?"  
There was a second note:  
*Dear Kasumi, by the way, Nabiki and Ryoga kissed and now they went on a date! Ranma and I tried to follow them but we lost them, that's why we decided to free Dr. Tofu instead. Don't wait up for them they said, and Nabiki want's chocolate ice cream*  
Kasumi sighed. "Alas, young love. One sister on a date, one sister on a liberation mission, life is good for the time being." She said. "At least they are keeping active. I'd better start dinner." Then the phone rang. "Hello?"  
"Hello, this is Dr. Malpractice." The voice on the phone said.  
"Oh hello Dr. Malpractice. What's that you say? My little sister and her friends were trying to bust a patient out of your clinic but your security system busted them for walking on the grass and you want me to come identify them?"  
"I didn't say anything like that!" The voice on the phone said. "But . . . that's exactly why I called. I'm at Nerima district prison with them. And you should hurry up, the boy Ranma dropped the soap in the prison shower, he's been crying all night."  
"I'll be over in a moment." Kasumi said cheerfully. She decided to leave a note for Nabiki.  
It read:  
*Dear Nabiki, I'm going to go get Akane, Ukyo, Konatsu and Ranma out of jail. Ranma dropped the soap, I must rush, no time to cook dinner, please don't have sex while I'm gone. Love, Kasumi*  
  
Nabiki and Ryoga walked home in the cold night. Ryoga was starting to wish he had a jacket, but then again the cold didn't really bother him. They had seen some chick flick. Ryoga had fallen asleep, but Nabiki didn't know that.  
"Didn't you think it was so great how Chad chose to marry Sally instead of Brittany?"  
"Oh sure." Ryoga shrugged.  
"Ryoga-baby, there was no Chad. You fell asleep didn't you?"  
Ryoga shrugged. "Mayhaps I did." He admitted. Nabiki smiled.  
"It doesn't matter. It was the worst movie in the world anyway."  
"Thank god!" Ryoga sighed.  
"Hmm . . . the lights are all out . . . wonder if everyone went to sleep already." Nabiki said.  
"Maybe." Ryoga said.  
He and Nabiki reached the door. She hadn't let go of his hand since they left the Cat Café, except to let him use the bathroom and after that she was talking about handcuffs, apparently he'd taken an hour to come out.  
They went inside, no one was around. He wondered why everyone was out since the little clock said it was midnight. They should have been asleep.  
That's when Nabiki groaned. "Ranma and the gang are in jail!" She cried.  
"That's cool." Ryoga said. Part of him wondered what they had done, and lamented spending the night with Nabiki because it had probably been fun.  
"Ranma dropped the soap? What's that supposed to mean?"  
"You don't want to know." Ryoga shuddered at the horror stories he'd heard of people who went to prison and came out . . . acting like Tsubassa.  
"Well it seems we have the house all to ourselves." Nabiki said in a seductive tone that even Ryoga caught. "What ever shall we do?"  
  
To Be Continued . . .   
  
Next Chapter . . .  
The warm water from the shower . . . the relaxing feeling . . . ooh . . . that warm water, chasing away Ranma Saotome's feminine side. Ah yes, what a wonderful day to be alive, rather than soaking in some stupid tub he was taking a *shower* oh happiness abounds!  
But then he tried to wash off his shoulders, and the soap slipped out of his hands. He bent over to pick it up. Then heard some one shout "Soap Dropper!" and then . . . 


	13. Hawaiian Style! Lemon

Disclaimer: I own nothing!  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 13  
Hawaiian Style! (Lemon)  
  
The warm water from the shower . . . the relaxing feeling . . . ooh . . . that warm water, chasing away Ranma Saotome's feminine side. Ah yes, what a wonderful day to be alive, rather than soaking in some stupid tub he was taking a *shower* oh happiness abounds!  
But then he tried to wash off his shoulders, and the soap slipped out of his hands. He bent over to pick it up. Then heard some one shout "Soap Dropper!" and then . . .  
"AAAHHHH!" Ranma woke up screaming. Akane shook her head.  
"Shh! It's only a dream Ranma! You're safe!"  
"Oh thank god!" Ranma sighed. "I thought for a moment that I had actually dropped the soap and then been attacked by twelve guys!"  
"Actually that did happen, and it was more like twenty." Konatsu said.  
"WAH!" Ranma cried.  
"Hey, Kasumi is here!" Akane said happily. "She'll pay bail for sure!"  
  
Ranma was wrapped in a warm blanket, Akane and Ukyo were holding him close, and Konatsu was kept at a distance as he was male, and Ranma wanted to see no one of his sex.  
Even if they looked like girls.  
"I j-j-just dr-dropped the-the s-s-s-s-soap!" He said with chattering teeth. His teeth didn't chatter because of the cold, they chattered with fear! "M-m-mommy! M-mommy! I-it was s-s-so wrong!"  
"You never drop the soap in a group shower." Akane warned Ranma.  
"But I was all alone!" Ranma wailed.  
"At the time you dropped the soap, yes." Kasumi said. "But as you bent over to pick it up . . . well it's a good thing the water was hot. If you were your female self, we might have little convicts running around the house in a few months."  
"Don't joke!" Ukyo cried. Then she laughed. "Actually that was a good one!"  
"No it . . . okay it was." Akane agreed. Ranma glared at them.  
"Ins-s-s-sensitive j-j-jerks!"  
"Konatsu dropped the soap and he's just fine!" Ukyo said, pointing at Konatsu.  
"He loves me . . . he loves me not . . . he . . . what? Oh yeah I'm fine!" Konatsu said with a longing sigh.  
"Oh my god!" Ranma screamed. "He's playing with a flower! He aint fine!"  
"Yeah . . . but then again he never *really* was." Ukyo shrugged.  
  
Nabiki smiled encouragingly at Ryoga. What she was trying to encourage, she wasn't sure. She wasn't even sure if she wanted to know what she was trying to encourage.  
Ryoga on the other hand seemed to have thoughts going through his mind, and every step Nabiki took closer to him, he took one back. Until she had him pinned against the wall. She leaned forward and kissed him, he struggled away, but it must have been half hearted because Nabiki struggled him back into place against the wall. She'd seen the kid lift boulders out of the ground with on hand, she knew he could escape her if he really wanted to.  
But if he didn't really want to . . . did that make this any more or less right? Shouldn't he be kissing her back?  
She was about to kiss him again when the phone rang.  
Ryoga quickly grabbed it and said, "Hello, Tendo residence, Ryoga speaking, whom may I ask is calling?"  
"Darn you!" Nabiki mouthed.  
"Ryoga? What are you doing answering this phone at this hour!" Soun shouted so loud even Nabiki could hear him.  
"Well I eh . . . I was guarding the place, Kasumi asked me to and-"  
"Put Kasumi on the line then!"  
"She's not in." Ryoga said.  
"She's what! And you are!? If you and Ranma are tearing up the house I'll-"  
"Gimme that phone." Nabiki growled. "Hello daddy? It's me, Nabiki."  
"Oh Nabiki!" Soun said in a suddenly calmer tone. "Why are you and Ryoga up so late my dear?"  
"Well the phone woke us up, Ryoga's eh . . ."  
"Sleeping bag!" Ryoga mouthed.  
"Cot is set up right next to the phone."  
"I have a sleeping bag! Do I look rich enough to own a cot!? Do I?!" Ryoga went into a silent rant. Strangely Nabiki understood every unspoken word.  
"Oh! Oh that's good. How is everyone?"  
"We're fine. Uh . . . Akane and Ranma are . . ." Nabiki thought of weather or not it was wise to ruin her father's vacation by telling him the news of Ranma's . . . accident. "Eh, they are getting along just great." She lied. "And Ryoga is . . . a real help around the house."  
"That's good. We are having a lovely time here in Hawaii by the way."  
"That's good." Nabiki said.  
"Uncle Saotome and auntie Nodoka have never had sex half as often!"  
"What?" Nabiki asked. Her own rising levels of lust were suddenly gone at the image of uncle Genma and aunt Nodoka going at it on a white sandy beach.  
"I'm sorry. We're all incredibly drunk." Soun said. "Who is this?"  
"Oh god." Nabiki sighed. "It's me, Nabiki. Now daddy, I want you to get some rest. Tell auntie  
Nodoka and uncle Saotome to stop getting wasted and go to sleep, in separate beds yet. And for pity sake, don't call us at this time!"  
"Bye-bye Kasumi!" Soun said. Nabiki had the strangest feeling he was waving at the phone. She hung up and turned on Ryoga.  
"So . . . where were we?"  
"I'm hungry." Ryoga said. Nabiki nodded.  
"We might have had something to eat before the movie if you hadn't been getting your butt handed to you by Kuno."  
"Hey now!" Ryoga cried. "I was kicking *Kuno's* butt! He's nothing against me! I rule!"  
"Sure." Nabiki smiled. She leaned forward and gave Ryoga a quick kiss on the lips, then skipped off to her bedroom. "If you're really hungry, follow me." She said.  
"Too late!" Ryoga shouted from far off. Nabiki sighed and retrieved him from his favorite broom closet, then led him up to her room.  
"Eh . . . y'know Nabiki, maybe I'm old fashioned but I sorta figured that guys and girls should go out on two or three dates before they started to . . . y'know."  
"No, Kasumi is old fashioned, you're just naive." Nabiki assured him. "And we're not going to . . . "y'know" . . . because for that to happen you have to ask me real nicely. But you said you were hungry, and I'm not cooking for you." Nabiki said. She went into her closet and retrieved a small box of chocolates.  
"Why didn't I see those when I was lost in your closet!?" Ryoga demanded.  
"I hide them well, not even Kasumi can find them on those rare occasions when she ventures into my wasteland of a closet." Nabiki offered one to Ryoga. "Know this though, should you eat one of them you will owe me for the rest of your . . . never mind." She sighed as Ryoga snatched it out of her hand with a sort of speed that might make a cheetah jealous. "But if you eat another, you'll owe me manual labor for another month."  
"Why do you want to keep me around so much?" Ryoga asked. "Aren't you getting sick of me?"  
"My reasons should be obvious by now." She said, she kissed him gently, and caused him to tremble ever so slightly. She grinned wickedly, she owned him in so many more ways than one. Oh god the power she had over him was incredible! "Besides, I'd never get tired of a toy this fun. You tired of me, Ryoga-baby?"  
"Well yes. I mean no! I eh . . . I'm confused." Ryoga sighed.  
  
Kasumi frowned. "Let me get this straight. You tried to break Tofu out of a mental institution and got captured? My own sister! How could you!? Don't you have the infamous Tendo Sneak Gene?"  
"The Whozit Howzit Jeans?" Akane frowned.  
"The TSG allows us to go wherever we want without being detected. Nabiki uses it to steal snacks from the kitchen all the time, thinking herself original and not realizing that I'm in on it."  
"What the heck are ya talking about?" Ranma asked. He sat down in a chair, then jumped up shouting. "GAH! GAH!"  
"Stupid." Akane sighed. "Don't sit on it."  
"I dunno, it feels kind of nice to sit back and relax, especially after you've been . . ." Everyone stared at Ukyo. "Eh . . . walking for a long time . . . standing . . . eh whatever." She said finally. Then she mumbled . . . "mm . . . anal is good . . ."   
"So Kasumi, what do you plan?" Akane asked.  
"If you must rescue Dr. Tofu, I will show you how it is done. I will need five sticks of dynamite, a tranquilizer gun, some iodine, a nice black outfit, and enough money to hire a prostitute."  
"Wha?" Ranma asked.  
"Prostitute?" Ukyo frowned.  
"To distract the guards of course." Kasumi said.  
"What if one of the guards is a woman?" Konatsu asked.  
"Then god help us all." Kasumi nodded.  
"What's the iodine for?" Ukyo asked.  
"Oh, just something I forgot to pick up when I went to the market actually."  
"And the dynamite?" Ranma asked.  
"To blow the door apart." Kasumi said.  
"Five sticks?"  
"Oh I'm sure one would be enough. But to be certain, five." Kasumi shrugged.  
"You've done this before, haven't you?" Akane asked.  
"I am General Tendo of the underground animal rights movements, NMWYB." Kasumi explained. "I have to break my NMWYB brothers and sisters out of mental institutions all the time."  
"Dear god!" Konatsu cried. "Not NMWYB! Anything but the NMWYB! What's the NMWYB?"  
"Yes." Kasumi said. "The NMWYB!"  
"Whazzat stand for?" Ranma asked.  
"No Meat With Your Breakfast." Kasumi said with a knowing nod.  
"But you always cook some sort of meat for breakfast." Akane said. "Eggs, fish cakes, sausages, I can go on." Akane said.   
"Please don't." Ranma sighed, patting his stomach, which growled in response.  
"Being part of a meat eating family is the perfect cover. The secret truth is that I secretly wish to shove meat articles down your faces and strangle you to death with them." Kasumi said in her soft sweet voice.  
"But you got no beef with eating meat fer lunch right?" Ranma asked.  
"Of course not. I'm also the Rear Admiral of HMWYL, or Have Meat With Your Lunch, we're the ones who keep the over priced burger joints running, people must eat meat with their lunch, just not with their breakfast. Incidentally you should be having rice with your dinner."  
"We do have rice with our dinner." Akane noted.  
"That's why I've got no quarrel with you." Kasumi said with a blank smile.  
"I now know more about yer older sister than I ever wanted to Akane." Ranma sighed.  
Kasumi smiled her blank smile. "Good." She said happily. "If you want to learn more, my turn ons include cooking, long walks on the beach and puppies-"  
"No more!" Ukyo cried.  
"Why would I want ta know yer turn ons?" Ranma wailed.  
Kasumi smiled blankly. " . . . I'm not sure." She admitted. "Now, lets shove Ranma into the showers again, for a reenactment of the incident so we know who to invite for thanksgiving dinner, and Ukyo can go too since she enjoys that sort of thing."  
"Hey!" Ranma and Ukyo cried in unison.  
  
No one ever expects a . . . DREAM SCENE!  
  
Ryoga had just drifted off to sleep, his dreams were wracked with . . . terrible images of . . . stuff. Kuno beating him up, and Ranma teasing him and stealing his food! Akane telling him over and over that they could only be friends and perhaps the worst part of the dream was that there were about twenty copies of Nabiki demanding he do various tasks.  
He woke up with a start, and looked around the room. It was dark, and it was real late. He looked around, and realized he was in Nabiki's room . . . in Nabiki's bed . . . with a sleeping Nabiki Tendo.  
He gulped and slid out of bed and onto the hard cold floor. Amazingly he found it more comfortable than the bed, perhaps because he was used to sleeping on the ground.  
Fond memories of home didn't exactly come to him as he drifted to sleep though, he wasn't there often enough to have any. But he did have a couple fond memories from the Tendo household.  
That time he'd met Akane . . . or how Nabiki had thrown herself in front of the water balloon and gotten her shirt all wet. That was a fond memory on so many levels. If only it had been a white shirt.  
And of course he started thinking about Nabiki. He could still remember the feel of her lips on his, the warmth she fair radiated whenever they did kiss, but also the tense anticipation he felt pounding on his chest those milliseconds between the time her intentions became obvious and the actual kiss. All this he remembered quite well, and he remembered the time he'd kissed her. It'd been a sad attempt, and yet it had felt so . . . what was the word for it? Good? Right? Just Nigh of perfect?   
He closed his eyes in thought for a long time. He might have fallen asleep again, he wasn't sure.  
  
Nabiki opened her eyes. It was still very dark. Ryoga was asleep on the floor next to her bed; she was sitting upright with her back to the wall. She yawned and looked at the clock. One thirty, she wondered if Kasumi had come home yet.  
Nabiki hugged her legs to her chest and rested her chin on her knees and watch Ryoga as he slept.  
He was, to say the least, sleeping better than he had as P-Chan. Were it not for the fact that Nabiki was rather proud to have a mean streak as long as Kasumi's kindness streak, she'd probably let him remain human more often.  
And yet teasing him was just so much fun. The sad truth was that if she wanted to be fair to him, Ryoga had already paid off all of his debts, he really didn't have to be her slave. She simply didn't tell him because he hadn't asked, and again she didn't really want him to leave.  
She didn't know exactly why, she just didn't want to come home and know that her newfound source of entertainment might not be waiting for her. She now knew why Kuno kept Sasuke around.  
And yet she'd kissed Ryoga, and he'd kissed her and so on. He was more than just some servant . . . or was he? She was *almost* certain Kuno didn't kiss his ninja butler. She watched him in the darkness; her eyes adjusted enough to see his outline and some detail. He was breathing slowly, very slowly, besides that he didn't move he made no sound.  
Nabiki crawled out of bed carefully, trying not to step on Ryoga. Then she thought 'He's my slave, I'll step on him if I want to' and she did.  
Ryoga was awake, but he took one look at her and threw himself back down on the floor stubbornly and began to pretend to snore.  
Nabiki glared at him and flicked the lights on. "Wake up sleepy head!" She said. "If I have to be awake at this ungodly hour so do you, you're my slave remember? Now come with me, I don't want you getting lost while I'm gone."  
Ryoga grumbled a little, but like an obedient servant followed where Nabiki led. First she checked Kasumi's bedroom, nothing. She then checked Akane's room, nothing. About half way to the kitchen she realized she'd lost Ryoga, backtracked and found him in his favorite broom closet, and pulled him out. She led him to the kitchen, but Kasumi was not there either.  
"This is weird, she should be back by now."  
"So much the better I don't have to be under the same roof as Ranma." Ryoga scoffed.  
"He *was* here first."  
"I don't want to be here at all." Ryoga noted.  
"Is that how you're going to act when we're married Ryoga-honey?" Nabiki asked slyly.   
Ryoga scowled. "We wouldn't ever get married! If we did you'd just force me to marry you so you could keep making me do stuff for you. You'd probably go outside the marriage too and cheat on me with that Kinnosuke guy because it'd give you a cheap thrill! I'd be stuck raising our three kids all alone in a run down shack cause that's all we can afford after you went and got pregnant again, except that they are all Kinnosuke's kids and-"   
"You've been planning this speech haven't you?" Nabiki scowled.  
"I've been giving our future some thought after Akane asked if I ever thought of marrying you." Ryoga scowled back.  
Nabiki blushed. "You actually thought about it?"  
"Yeah, and that's why it wont ever happen." Ryoga assured her.  
Nabiki smiled weakly. "I'd be a much better wife than you think . . . but you're right, we'll never get married, you're to much of a cry baby."  
"You're to controlling, and you're possessive-keep calling me *your* slave, *your* Ryoga."  
"I'm not possessive, I'm protective. There are other girls who'll treat you badly, I've gotta keep you safe. I'm really more like a big sister to you than anything."  
"A big sister who gets a kick out of splashing me with cold and hot water to see me naked."  
"Darn straight." Nabiki decided to finish the conversation. She realized she was bored, so she started a new one. "You're coming with me to school tomorrow." She stated.  
"I don't want to." Ryoga whined. Nabiki turned on him.  
"Did it sound like I asked a question?" She glared.  
Ryoga stood his ground for once, which actually amused Nabiki. He said "If Ranma dropped the soap I don't want to fight him, even I have limits he's going to need some time to sort out his thoughts, god help us if he decides to drop the soap more often if you know what I mean."  
"I don't know, and I don't think I want to know." Nabiki sighed. "But it doesn't matter. I want you to come with me for a different reason."  
"And what's that?" Ryoga asked.  
Nabiki stomped her foot in an unusual, though pretend show of anger. "Because I said so!" She shook her head. She turned on Ryoga and sighed. "Forget it, let's go to sleep." She said.  
"Great." Ryoga said with a mocking zeal. "You get the basket with the pillow in it, and I'll get the  
cold water!" He said, still mocking.  
Nabiki leaned forward and shut him up by pressing her lips against his. "You really think I'm so mean? Besides, I don't need to turn you into a pig to get you out of your cloths and into bed." She said.  
"Your bed?" Ryoga frowned.  
"My bed, daddy's bed, Kasumi's bed, the next door neighbor's bed any bed will do." Nabiki shrugged. "We could use Akane's, I'm sure your more at home there, aren't you P-Chan?"  
"Low." Ryoga said. "That's very low." Nabiki smirked and kissed the lost boy again. "Stop that."He said. "C'mon, I don't care whose slave I am, I've got limits."  
"How dare you!" Nabiki gasped in a snobbish accent. "Why, I should make you go hungry for a year for refusing my commands! How dare you!" She flicked his nose. "Bad P-Chan!"  
"Can't you call me by my name when I'm not a pig?" Ryoga growled. Nabiki smiled wickedly.  
"Sure I can, Ranma."  
"I am not Ranma!" Ryoga yelped. Nabiki flicked his nose again.  
"Don't talk back! Bad P-Chan!"  
"Stop calling me P-Chan!" Ryoga protested.  
"You're right. Bad Charlotte!" Nabiki flicked his nose again.  
"Why do you keep doing that?" Ryoga asked.  
"Because you never said I couldn't." Nabiki shrugged. "C'mon now Ranma-"  
"I am not Ranma!"  
"Only Ranma would be afraid to sleep with a girl. Ranma is gay after all, didn't you notice?"  
"I'm not Ranma! And I'm not-wait, Ranma is gay?" Ryoga frowned.  
"He avoids girls as a guy and avoids guys as a girl, but he shows off to guys as a guy and to girls as a girl."  
"Wait . . . that doesn't sound right." Ryoga said.  
"Whatever. Ranma is the only person who'd be afraid to sleep with a hot babe like me. Four out of five guys in our school would pay good money just to date me."  
"And I'd bet they have." Ryoga frowned. "How dare you compare me to-I mean I'm not afraid but-I mean . . . eh . . . we really shouldn't be sleeping together, we've only been on one date after all, you don't want me thinking you're a slut do you?"  
"Who cares what you think?" Nabiki smiled slyly. She leaned forward and kissed the scared lost boy again. "Besides, it's not the quantity of the time spent together, it's the quality."  
"You'll make a great neglectful mother some day." Ryoga noted.  
"You'd make a great special occasion missing father since you'd be lost for birthdays, Christmases and the like, let's team up, honey."  
"Not on your life." Ryoga said. "I mean . . . maybe if we were a little older-no! What am I saying?"  
"Don't ask me." Nabiki shrugged. She flicked his nose again.  
"Stop doing that!"  
"You're getting on my nerves Charlotte," Nabiki said. "You can come with me upstairs or you can sleep outside with a dog collar and a chain to keep you from wondering."  
Ryoga glared at her. "You wouldn't-oh wait yes you would!"  
Nabiki sighed. "I really care about you Ryoga . . ." She whispered, trying to sound romantic. "When I say you belong to me, I really just want you to be with me forever!" She threw her arms around him. "Wont you *please*, pretty please with cherries on top, grant me just one wish and take me tonight?"  
"Take you where?" Ryoga looked genuinely confused.  
"You're not romantic at all!" Nabiki scoffed. Just then the door slowly creaked open,  
Nabiki leapt ten feet away from Ryoga and went about the task of looking very busy cooking a midnight snack.  
Kasumi came in. "Hello!" She said. "Can't talk, have to run, came for black outfit."  
"Take me with you!" Ryoga pleaded. "Wherever you're going, take me with you!"  
Nabiki shot him a hurt glance, but tried to make it seem like a cruel evil warning glance, his words just hit too hard for that to work. How could he be so determined to not sleep with her? Was *he* gay? 'Gah! He better not be Ranma's lover or something!' Nabiki thought. "So . . . Ranma okay?" Nabiki struggled to sound casual.  
"Oh sure." Kasumi said. "Luckily he was in his male form at the time."  
"Luckily?" Ryoga asked.  
"Well . . . hmm . . ." Kasumi seemed lost in thought. "Now that you mention it . . . I wonder . . . oh well, I don't care."  
"You don't?" Nabiki asked. "Egads what's wrong with you!"  
"Egads?" Kasumi frowned. "Where'd you learn that word?"  
"I think I got it from Ryoga." Nabiki said thoughtfully.  
Kasumi playfully whacked Ryoga over the head. "Stop teaching my baby sister bad words!" She declared.  
"If she's a baby, what the heck am I?"  
"Infant." Kasumi nodded. "Oh, and Nabiki I know it's not often that you cook, but you'll want to turn the stove on and probably let the meat thaw before cooking it. I'm off!" She cried, turning for the door, then she came back and said, "By they way, if you two have sex I'll be forced to harm you both, so keep to yourselves tonight!"  
"Okay!" Ryoga said zealously.  
"I'll agree to that." Nabiki nodded, looking at her watch. It was 4 AM, technically it wouldn't be "tonight" for much longer. "What makes you think we were going to anyway?"  
"Lets see . . . two teenagers locked up in the house all alone in the middle of the night. Two young examples of the human species we have the nervous looking male and the female specimen pretending to cook, the frozen meat and the fact that the wok is upside down says it all."  
"No fooling you." Nabiki sighed.  
"Well then I'm off!" Kasumi said. "Wish me luck!"  
Nabiki shrugged. "Luck in what exactly?" But Kasumi was gone. Nabiki winked at Ryoga, she glanced at her watch and used the hella-cool indiglo feature. Still not nighttime. Not exactly.  
  
Ryoga looked at her, his heart was pounding still, he'd thought it'd slowed down when Kasumi came in, but it hadn't. He swallowed a lump in his throat. He watched her as she went about putting the wok and meat away. "Damn you wok!" She growled. "How dare you tell on us!"  
Ryoga closed his eyes. Nabiki was . . . well he blamed her for all of his most recent problems, but he didn't have any grudge against her like he did against Ranma. He was almost grateful to her for trying to take him onto that stupid game show, he was almost thankful to Ranma for exposing him. No more lies! It was a great feeling. Ryoga thought about that for a while. His stomach grumbled, he frowned. "Are you sure you don't want to cook something?" He asked.  
"What? Of course I'm sure!" Nabiki scowled. "I can't cook, I swear!"  
"I'm so hungry." Ryoga whined.  
"Okay, I think there's still some chocolate left over."  
"Begrudge and beguile chocolate!"  
"Begrudge? Beguile? Ryoga-baby what the heck does that mean?"  
"I'm not sure." Ryoga admitted.  
Nabiki smiled at him and shook her head. "C'mon, let's go upstairs." She said. Ryoga followed her carefully, not wanting to lose track of her. They arrived at her bedroom and she led him in. She closed-and Ryoga noticed, locked-the door behind them, and smiled warmly. "Now I've got you all to myself."  
"It's not like any one else is home." Ryoga noted.  
"We don't need some one barging in on us." Nabiki shrugged.  
"Gee, just how precious are these hidden chocolates of yours?" Ryoga asked. He knew what she really meant about people barging in but he was in denial.  
"Very precious." Nabiki said calmly. "They are up there with my camera, money in general and my CD player."  
"You have a-"  
"I will some day." Nabiki growled.  
"Oh, right." They sat down on Nabiki's bed together, Ryoga felt nervous being there with her, thoughts of their kiss ran through his head.  
When he'd kissed her before . . . had it really been to prove to Kasumi or himself that soap opera kisses were possible? Kasumi hadn't been around, and Ryoga knew that soaps were really hidden camera experiments tracking the lives of normal people living extraordinary romantic lives no matter what Kasumi said. He'd had no reason to kiss Nabiki at the time but he'd done it anyway.  
And he was kind of . . . glad.  
While he was lost in thought Nabiki finished off the chocolates, all but one which she offered to him. "Last one Ryoga-baby. Take it or leave it."  
"You can have it." Ryoga said.  
"Okay then. And you're buying me a new box by the way." Nabiki added. She tossed the small round chocolate into the air and prepared to catch it, Ryoga however snatched it out of the air a millisecond before it would have landed in Nabiki's mouth.  
"Well if I've got to buy a whole new box I may as well eat this one and see if it's worth it." Ryoga said.  
"You already ate the fist box!" Nabiki whined. "You said I could have that one!" She said, pouting. It took Ryoga a moment to realize she was faking it, but in that moment she stole the chocolate back.   
She popped the little thing into her mouth and grinned wickedly as if to say "I won!" but Ryoga wouldn't give up. He never let Ranma really beat him, he certainly wouldn't let Nabiki defeat him, be it on a field of battle or in a fight for the last bit of chocolate!  
He quickly leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers. What he did next was predictable but Nabiki certainty didn't expect it. He kissed her gently, then easily moved his tongue into her mouth, and plundered her, taking the half eaten chocolate as well. Their lips parted and Nabiki shot him a hateful glare.  
"You dirty little sneak!" She growled. "You stole-"  
"Nonsense, I only kissed you. You were just so surprised that you spat the chocolate into my mouth. You're a nasty girl, Nabiki."  
"I just hope you know I've got a terrible cold, I hope you've caught it!" Nabiki growled.  
"You don't have a cold." Ryoga laughed. He leaned forward and kissed her again. This time there was nothing to steal, but it felt just as rewarding as before. Her lips tasted like the chocolates they had devoured together not so long ago. Ryoga's arms wondered-completely of their own will mind you-around Nabiki's waist, and he held her close to himself, they were stomach to stomach, but she pushed him away just a bit when she finally broke their kiss.  
"R-Ryoga . . ." She whispered.  
"Hmm?"  
"You know what this is leading to right? Because I wont have you chickening out." She said, sounding a little nervous.  
"Chickening out?" Ryoga laughed. "Now why would I do that? I have to prove to Kasumi that soaps are real, remember? Besides long drawn out kissing soap opera stars have a lot of sex so we'd best get to it." Ryoga said, thinking the excuse stupid and feeble as soon as he'd said it, but Nabiki didn't seem to mind at all, though she did scowl when he mentioned Kasumi.  
-------If you don't stop reading now, I'm not responsible.-------  
He kissed her again, but she didn't want to waste time, she pulled her shirt off over her head, and tossed it away. Ryoga went to work trying to unhook her bra but . . . yeah, you guessed it, he couldn't manage it.  
After what felt like an eternity of trying Nabiki finally seemed to have had enough. "Look, you undress yourself and I'll take care of myself, got it?" She commanded. Ryoga complied, having a newfound respect for Nabiki's dexterity when she undid the bra in a split second.  
Of course in a short period of time they were both naked, looking each other up and down, Ryoga had seen women's breasts before-hell Ranma ran around flashing often enough, but Nabiki's were, not only larger, but they were shaped better too. Ryoga leaned forward and kissed her. He felt her hand touch his, and lead it towards her breast, he put his hand on it, feeling it, resisting the temptation to squeeze it, not being sure weather or not she'd appreciate that.  
Ryoga Hibiki knew very little about women, what they wanted physically and emotionally. He wasn't entirely sure that he was making the right decision either. Still when he kissed Nabiki those thoughts were temporarily driven from his mind. So naturally, being somewhat less than a super genius he decided to just keep kissing her and avoid actual thought.  
  
Nabiki felt as if she were in a sauna, even though the room itself was quite cold she felt very warm. She felt Ryoga's lips on hers over and over again, and grateful as she was that she'd finally convinced him to come this far, the middle Tendo daughter was curious as to weather or not her servant . . . no, her love, actually planned on doing anything besides just kissing her.  
She could feel his erection, but he made no attempt to actually "penetrate" her. Nabiki felt that perhaps it was time for her to take control. She moved her hands between her legs and gently guided Ryoga's manhood towards her opening, she didn't think when she did it, but she soon regretted it. Ryoga thrust into her gently enough, but the movement in general, not to mention actually having something shoved where nothing-with the exception of a finger or two-had ever gone before surprised Nabiki, and surprise gave way to pain all too quickly. She clenched her fists and cried out in pain when he tore through her resistance, it felt as if he'd shoved a sword through her!  
Ryoga seemed a little confused, he looked at her and whispered "You're a-"  
"Not anymore, so drop it!" Nabiki warned, ashamed that she'd actually cried out. Not that she was one of those tough types like Ranma or Ryoga, she just didn't like for Ryoga to know he'd actually hurt her. She wasn't entirely sure why, but she wanted to seem sort of godlike to him.  
Ryoga looked a little nervous, Nabiki felt the pain slowly passing so she whispered to him "C'mon now, we haven't even started."  
Ryoga leaned forward and kissed her again, but he also began to thrust slowly in and out of her.  
Nabiki closed her eyes tight, trembling and clenching her fists so tight that her nails dug into her skin and cut her delicate palms. She decided to share the pain and turned her sharp claws on Ryoga's shoulders instead of her own hands, however his skin was rough as leather and just as hard to puncture-no doubt he owed this to his martial arts training with Cologne and those darn rocks.  
Nabiki felt heat and growing friction as Ryoga increased his pace. She didn't bother thrusting her hips to aid in the process, rather letting him do all the work she laid back and enjoyed herself as best she could through the remaining pain.  
She tried not to moan, again not wanting Ryoga to think her some normal teenage girl, panting and moaning like a dog at every thrust he made. Of course holding back only made those few moans that escaped her lips that much louder, and eventually she did find herself gasping for air.  
  
Ryoga on the other hand really wasn't having a problem breathing. Who'd have ever thought that all that training he'd done to polish his skills and eventually defeat Ranma would pay off in a nonviolent way.  
Nabiki was tight, and warm, he'd never actually felt anything like this before, thrusting in and out of Nabiki at a steadily paced rhythm, the lost boy found himself wondering why they hadn't done this sooner.  
Nabiki soon showed a bit of initiative and joined him. Her thrusts were rough and didn't match Ryoga's rhythm, so soon the lost boy was forced to match her pace instead.  
She was soaking wet, were it not for her warmth he'd expect to transform into P-Chan at any second. She moaned softly, he noticed her pace quickened and he'd just managed to match her rhythm, he was forced to adapt again.  
Nabiki's grip on the lost boy's shoulders tightened and she threw her head back, moaning loudly she cried out and suddenly Ryoga felt her grow tighter and so much wetter.  
Her tunnel contracted around his shaft, squeezing it tight, then she came, her wet orgasm throwing Ryoga to his own climactic finish.  
Most rational thought had left the lost boy, but one thing he was sure of was that Nabiki would be really really angry if she got pregnant. (Wouldn't you?) so he hastily pulled away from her. His reward wasn't a "Good job Ryoga!" or even a "Great thinking oh Avoider of Accidents" instead he got a pouting look of disapproval as he pulled away from her-so he surrendered to her will and made the worst discussion of his young life.  
However, he didn't have a great deal of time to think about it anyway. He felt a surge of pleasure wash over him, and his seed shot into Nabiki Tendo's womb, his head swam, her legs felt sort of weak, Nabiki sighed.  
They lied down together, Ryoga felt a little . . . strange. Nabiki kissed him on the cheek and whispered something that Ryoga didn't catch. He wrapped his arms around her tight, wishing he'd heard her but not wanting to annoy her by asking her to repeat herself.  
"I love you." He grumbled as sleep overtook him . . . they'd be in so much trouble tomorrow . . .  
  
"Okay," Kasumi said. "The trick is not to step on the grass first of all. That was your first mistake."  
"Yes, we've established this by now." Ukyo said.  
"Now, Isabelle should be doing her lap dance about now, I've worked with her before, she's always prompt . . . so let's go!" Kasumi said. Straight through the guardhouse they went. Kasumi had told them that the guards would look right through them, seeing only Isabelle.  
In fact not only were the guards distracted but also after ten paces the gang realized they'd left Ranma and Konatsu behind.  
"They were so big!" Ranma wheezed.  
"She's wasted on those ungrateful security guards!" Konatsu groaned.  
"So big!" Ranma continued.  
"At least we know the shower experience didn't ruin them." Ukyo said with a grin.  
"Wish it had." Akane growled, now Ranma kept trying to sneak away.  
"Tell the truth, I was sorta worried about Konatsu before the whole shower thing anyway-I'm much relieved." Ukyo noted.  
Kasumi ignored all of this, and focused on the task at hand. She crept up to Tofu's room, then shoved four sticks of dynamite into the door, saving one as a souvenir.  
She lit the fuses and they went off. BOOM! The door came off its hinges and fell down.  
They looked inside, but Dr. Tofu as they knew him was not there.  
Instead there was a six-foot tall muscular guy with thick arms and a shaved head. He had several body piercing. He looked at them in surprise. "Duh . . . shu come ta save me George?"  
"George?" Ranma asked.  
"Dr. Tofu! What have they done to you?" Akane cried.  
"Tofu? I hates the Tofu!"  
"He ate Tofu?" Ukyo cried.  
"No, he hates Tofu." Kasumi said. "We must have the wrong room. Shame, we're out of dynamite. Funny, security should be here by now. We should be gun fighting our way to the exit."  
  
At the security hut  
"We have a breach in sextor-eh I mean sector sex-eh I mean sector six."  
"Don't worry, there's a janitor in there."  
"A janitor? But isn't that the cell block where that insane six foot tall cannibal rapist is locked up?"  
"Don't worry, that janitor can handle him . . . ooh . . . they are so big!"  
"Yeah . . . wait, isn't that the cell where we kept that six foot tall cannibal rapist?"  
"What did I just say?"  
"I'm just worried is all. Hope whatever idiot is breaking him out knows that he has a taste for sixteen year old girls with short hair whose names start with the letter A."  
"Indeed."  
"And that he also likes sixteen year old boys with pig tails who know martial arts and cant stand down from a challenge and have bad grammar."  
"My son won't ever be the same."  
"Or that he especially likes to cook and eat his victims after he's . . . "ruined" them."  
"Indeed, if some unsuspecting fools have broken him out may god have mercy on-hey they jiggle!"  
  
Anyway . . . since there really was no point to that last scene . . .  
On the cab ride back to Ukyo's place . . .  
"Does your name start with the letter A?" The tall guy asked, stroking Anake's hair.   
Akane sighed. "Did we have to take him with us?"  
"We couldn't just leave him. That janitor was out for blood I say!" Kasumi said. "The way he came at us, murder in his eyes I tell you!"  
"He was whistling! He tripped over his own mop and ran for dear life when he saw us!" Ukyo cried.  
"Do your name starts with da letter A?" The guy asked patting Ukyo's head.  
"I don't think I like this." Ukyo said.  
"We should have tried for Dr. Tofu a second time. I'll bet he's still being experimented on."  
"Oh is that what you thought?" Kasumi asked.  
"Yeah." Ranma said.  
"You looks good enough to eats." The tall guy said, patting Konatsu on the head now.  
"Don't touch me!" Konatsu cried. "I've promised my heart to another man-eh woman-eh . . . Ukyo!"  
"We've talked about that, my position hasnt changed yet!" Ukyo snapped.  
"Don't worry, Dr. Tofu wasn't being experimented on, he was just . . . what's the correct words for it? Stupidly staying on because he was getting free room and board."  
"Oh . . . well that makes sense." Ranma said.  
  
Meanwhile . . .  
On da islands . . .  
Soun, Genma and Nodoka were all sitting on a white sandy beach enjoying the view when the zoo patrol happened by, saw the giant panda had escaped and ran over there with tranquilizer guns.  
WHAP! WHAP! (Stupid tranquilizer gun sounds!)  
The Panda leapt up and roared, then it paraded around holding up various signs.  
~I am not a crook!~  
~I eat baby wombats!~  
~I lost my virginity to my math teacher!~  
~There once was a girl from Nantucket!~  
~Down with the man!~  
~Where's the sign I wanted?~  
~Is it this one?~  
~Not this one . . .~  
~Bingo!~  
~Read this next one!~  
~I wear purple pajamas and sleep under the stars~  
~That's not it!~  
"What the . . . what you make of that?" One guard asked the other.  
"Dats one of does . . . da kind . . . super intelligent pandas! We'll make plenty money we bring that one in!" The second guard said.  
"You're both haole and neither one of you can speak pigeon!" The only Hawaiian guard snapped.  
~Hey! Aren't you two going to do something?~ One sign read.  
~No~ Soun held up a sign.  
~I'm stark raving drunk!~ Nodoka's sign read.  
~That's why I wont help you.~ Soun's sign read. ~Be gone, don't worry, I'll make sure your wife's sexual energy isn't wasted!~  
~Where did you two get those signs?!~ Genma's next sign read.  
But he didn't get his answer, the zookeepers threw an Electro net over him and dragged him off towards the zoo.  
  
Not long after . . .  
"Gee, Genma sure has been gone a long time." Nodoka said.  
"Do you remember what happened to him? Cause I sure don't." Soun said honestly. He had the strangest urge to smoke a cigarette.  
"I can't remember anything!" Nodoka cried. "Come to think of it . . ." She looked at Soun quizzically.   
Slowly, as if he were coming out of a drug induced daze, and he reminded himself he probably was, he realized he was lying down next to her . . . without cloths on . . . "Tendo, tell me something . . . why are we in bed together?"  
"A fair question. Might I suggest you pretend that we are not, and furthermore pretend that whatever it is you might be thinking we might have done in a drunken moment of passion never actually happened?" Soun offered, he secretly praised the paranoid Hawaiian air port security for taking Nodoka's katana away from her back at customs.  
"I think that would be best." Nodoka agreed.  
"Then we are in agreement." Soun nodded. "I think we should collect your husband, make absolutely sure he never learns of this, then head back to Japan."  
"Where we can commit adultery in a sober state." Nodoka nodded.  
"What? That's not what I mea-oh . . . to hell with it." Soun shrugged. "Whatever you say."  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
The Commentary  
GrimmZ: There is nothing quite as disgusting as a woman and a panda making hot passionate love.  
Nabiki: How about a woman and a panda making hot passionate love both dressed in leather, one of them tied up to a grotesque machine and-  
GrimmZ: . . . shut up! (Crying, runs off to wash the image out of his brain by watching 6 hours of TV)  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
Akane shook her head too, remembering why she'd barged in. "Nabiki! I just got done arguing with RANMA!"  
"There's a big surprise." Nabiki and Ryoga said at the same time.  
"He said my thighs are thick and that no one would ever want me because I'm a skank! Is that true?" Akane had thrown in the skank part to get Nabiki and Ryoga on her side, and with luck get Ryoga to bully Ranma when he got home.  
"Absolutely." Nabiki said.  
"Can you repeat that in the form of a question?" Ryoga asked.  
Akane frowned. "Are you even listening to me?"  
"Absolutely!" Nabiki said.  
"Can you repeat that in the form of an answer?" Ryoga asked. 


	14. The Day After the Stuff Happened

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma ½. This fic is rated R; this fic is okay in general, there are certain marked chapters that are most definitely not for kids. Everything is clearly labeled, if your kid finds this he/she was *looking* for it.  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 14  
The Day After the Stuff Happened  
  
"You have to remember to feed him every day." Ukyo said, shaking a scolding finger at Konatsu.  
"He ate! He ate my nose!" Konatsu whined.  
"Because you didn't feed him today!" Ukyo said.  
"Eh . . . Ukyo, I don't think you should keep the crazy guy." Akane said.  
"Yore hair is purtty! Do yore name stort with da letter A?" The gigantic pierced/tattooed guy asked patting Akane on the head.  
"If he touches me again I'm gonna make him a crazy chick!" Akane warned. The "Crazy Guy" as the four had "Affectionately" dubbed him, got the "Hint" and "Decided" to "Switch" to "Ranma" instead. Patting Ranma on the head.  
"You gots a nice pig tail ikle boy. Oy ikes pig tails. Pigs taste yummy!"  
"Akane!" Ranma whined.  
"I guess it's time we took Ranma home." Akane offered, seeking an escape from Ukyo's home.  
Kasumi had already left in the early morning to do . . . eh . . . stuff. Who the heck knew-or cared?  
Akane led Ranma home, careful not to tease him about his "experience". For those of you who forgot, Ranma was forced (for some reason) to shower with a bunch of inmates in prison and he dropped the soap.  
"Do you think Ryoga is still staying with Nabiki?" Ranma groaned.  
"Why? Thinking of asking him out?" Akane blurted. 'Oops.' She thought. What might have at once time been a harmless jest was like a full blown "mama joke" to Ranma!  
"Let's see *you* take five steps into that shower! You wouldn't *have* to drop the *soap*!"  
Ranma wailed so loud that several people stared at him. One guy winked.  
  
Meanwhile, Ryoga was fast asleep. So, for that matter was Nabiki. While we're on it so were Soun, Nodoka and Genma but they are in a different time zone and all three were incredibly drunk. Hey, we're off subject here, the point is Nabiki and Ryoga haven't woken up yet and Akane and Ranma are on their way back home!  
But then again, Akane might just be to stupid to figure anything out!  
"I'M HOME!" Akane almost screamed as she slammed the door open. Ryoga and Nabiki both woke up. They tried to get up but just started tripping over each other! Akane was stomping up the stairs, they could hear her!  
  
Akane stormed into Nabiki's bedroom, expecting her sister to be asleep, partially hoping to find her awake so she could rant, but mostly just trying to see if Ryoga was still around. And, a tiny tiny percentage of her wondered if, in the event that Ryoga was there, where he'd be sleeping. On the ground or with Nabiki . . .  
To her shock Nabiki and Ryoga were in fact doing the unthinkable! They … were … sitting on the floor across from each other playing cards and using Akane's prized bottle cap collection as bargaining chips! (Fully clothed mind you)  
"Beer cap, another week of slavery or your freedom!" Nabiki said, throwing down a bottle cap.  
"I don't need more slave time! I fold!"  
"I had crap!" Nabiki laughed wickedly.  
"It doesn't matter, I only had these cards with faces, a ten and this ace." Ryoga said. Nabiki and Akane both stared at him. "Eh . . . they are all hearts too. Is that like the worst hand ever? Why are you staring at me?"  
Nabiki shook her head. "Dummy!" She shouted.  
Akane shook her head too, remembering why she'd barged in. "Nabiki! I just got done arguing with RANMA!"  
"There's a big surprise." Nabiki and Ryoga said at the same time.  
"He said my thighs are thick and that no one would ever want me because I'm a skank! Is that true?" Akane had thrown in the skank part to get Nabiki and Ryoga on her side, and with luck get Ryoga to bully Ranma when he got home.  
"Absolutely." Nabiki said.  
"Can you repeat that in the form of a question?" Ryoga asked. Akane frowned. "Are you even listening to me?"  
"Absolutely!" Nabiki said.  
"Can you repeat that in the form of an answer?" Ryoga asked.  
Akane clenched her fists, then put her fists on her hips and glared venomously at her sister and her ex-pet. "Did you two have sex last night?"  
"Absolutely!" Nabiki said.  
"The Daily Double!" Ryoga announced.  
"Are you listening to me at all?" Akane screamed. "You're worse than Ranma!"  
Nabiki laughed weakly. "We're listening Akane, we just don't care, right Ryoga?"  
"Can you repeat that in the form of a-"  
"Well okay, I was listening." Nabiki amended. "And as I've said, absolutely!"  
Akane thought for a moment . . . Nabiki did think she had fat thighs, she had been listening . . . did that mean the other time she'd said "absolutely" she really meant it? Wicked thoughts danced through Akane's head. Then she decided to test the theory. "Okay Nabiki! Is Kasumi a virgin?"  
"Absolutely!" Nabiki said, playing her cards.  
"I don't wanna know!" Ryoga announced.  
'Aww shucks!' Akane thought. 'I guess she wasn't telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth! Lying scum! And I thought I had something to blackmail her with!'  
"I fold!" Nabiki said.  
"Play the cards!" Ryoga pleaded.  
"But I'll lose!" Nabiki whined.  
"I'm already your slave for another two weeks, give me a chance to win it back!"  
"Double or nothing then?" Nabiki offered.  
"YES!" Ryoga cried.  
"Okies. Royal straight flush sucker, you're mine for a whole month!" Nabiki laughed triumphantly.  
"Well I guess I'll just leave you two alone . . ." Akane said. She left and closed the door, then carefully put her ear to it.  
"Thought she'd never leave! Let's have sex again!" Nabiki said.  
"Will it work off my debt?" Ryoga asked.  
"Sure."  
"AHA!" Akane shouted, bursting through the door a second time.  
"Hi Akane!" Nabiki said, holding up a big sign that said "Sucker!"  
And so Akane, convinced of her sister's continued *physical* innocence and purity, left and went off in search of Ranma in order to deal swift and painful revenge, forgetting entirely about her prized bottle cap collection.  
  
"Can I really work off my debt by-"  
"No." Nabiki said calmly. She shook her head. "C'mon Ryoga-honey, we need to get dressed."  
"We are dressed! And, might I add at world record time and speed thank you very much."  
"Dummy! I mean for school, and we should probably shower too, Kasumi isn't as stupid as Akane, she'll probably smell my perfume all over you."  
"Akane is stupid?" Ryoga asked.  
"She hides it well with a macho exterior, but yes, Akane is stupid." Nabiki assured him. Nabiki took a deep breath and shook her head again, this time to clear it. What had she been thinking last night? Ryoga was right, it'd been far to soon. Strangely enough she didn't regret what they'd done, just when they'd done it, she wished it'd been earliar so they could have gone to sleep sooner. She was sleepy and in all honesty she had no motivation to wear that pathetic school uniform. Not today!  
"Uh, hey Nabiki." Ryoga said suddenly. "After eh . . . last night . . . are we . . . umm . . . "together" now?"  
Nabiki blushed, she turned so he couldn't see her then said simply "If that's how you want it. Don't go bragging about it now."  
"I wouldn't. Except maybe to Ranma. And this Kinnosuke guy you like so much." Ryoga said, she could almost "hear" his grin.  
"Oh I've been with Kinnosuke longer than you and Ranma have known each other." Nabiki said, making sure Ryoga could "hear" her scowl. "Really I'm cheating on him with you."  
"Does that mean I can cheat with some one too?"  
"Anyone but one of my sisters." Nabiki said without thinking, for a moment she'd forgotten about that tramp with the farm! "Or Akari." She added.  
"Oh well." Ryoga sighed. "What a shame, you, me, Akane, Kasumi and Akari, what a time we'd have!"  
Nabiki actually did think about it. But not in the way Ryoga had meant in his jest. Oh no, her vision included cement shoes and chains and knives! And a big deep lake where the wearers of the cement shoes and chains could go swimming and a place to just dump the bodies of everyone else.  
Ryoga was *hers* now, no one was allowed near him, if she saw Azusa going for him again she'd make it well known that Nabiki Tendo was *not* ignorant in the ways of martial arts. Not proficient, but not ignorant.  
  
Speaking of Azusa, Kasumi was standing in the younger girl's bedroom patiently listening to Azusa introduce her to her veritable army of cute or shiny things.  
When she was finished Azusa turned an angry glare at Kasumi. "So, have you come to confess that you've stolen my Mercedes?!"  
"Of course not." Kasumi said with a happy-clueless-smile. "I've come to make you an offer. A way for you to get your little Charlotte back."  
"Azusa is listening!" Azusa declared.  
"It is quite simple you see, Charlotte's human form has no sense of direction-"  
"Charlotte has human form?" Azusa wailed. "That's so cuuute!"  
"Eh . . . yes. Well anyway all you would need to do is lure him away and then you'll have captured Charlotte. He will either be a little black piglet, or a boy with a bandanna." Kasumi went into length about how Azusa was to hold onto Charlotte once captured, and how to keep her resourceful younger sister from saving the "family pet" (though Ryoga was no longer P-Chan, he really wasn't much else to the Tendos than a pet) "Now, in exchange for this information-"  
"You want Azusa to bribe you!? But you've already told Azusa the plan to get her Charlotte, she doesn't need to give you anything!"  
Kasumi frowned. "Drat!" She sighed. Acting like Nabiki was a lot harder than Nabiki made it seem. "Never mind then. Drat!"  
  
Meanwhile . . . on . . . da islands  
  
Soun and Nodoka had been wondering around for quite some time looking for Genma. The one place they didn't look was the Zoo, which is exactly where he was.  
Meanwhile Genma was sulking, believing his best friend had abandoned him to this terrible fate to go have sex with his wife. And that big male panda was looking him over pretty weird. Those two female pandas seemed interested in him too. Genma prayed he wasn't about to be the centerpiece of a panda orgy. But of course, to his horror he was. Heh-heh-heh.  
And so even when Nodoka and Soun heard some zoo keepers talking about the sudden boom in panda mating in the zoo, they never put two and two together partially because they'd gotten drunk again and partially because they were too stupid.  
However after Nabiki's shopping binges, and their drinking/drug binges there was barely a dent in the one million.  
Which is why Soun was planning what he was planning. It would be expensive, but it would be so much fun!  
  
Meanwhile . . . on that other island that isn't Hawaii . . . whazzit called? …Eh oh yeah, Japan!  
  
Nabiki, Ryoga, Ranma and Akane had all stayed home from school for various reasons. Nabiki and Ryoga were sleeping in (in truth they were just trying to get from 3 hours to 8) Akane was sleeping in (from 0 hours to 8) and Ranma just didn't want to face everyone else. Oh no.  
So Ranma sat on the couch (and by sat, I mean was lying on his stomach) watching TV. Some soap opera was playing where in some guy called Gray and his evil twin Ray were fighting to the death over some pregnant woman one minute, then dumping her the next only to wheel around and try to sleep with her behind each other's backs. It was hella-confusing!  
"How can Ryoga and Kasumi watch this stuff?" Ranma asked.  
"If you don't like it, turn it off." Kasumi said as she came in.  
"But then I won't know what happens!" Ranma wailed.  
"Why are you home today Ranma?"  
"'Cause my . . . eh . . . 'wound' hurts!" Ranma cried.  
"Oh please, it wasn't the first time you've had something shoved up there-oh wait, it was." Kasumi nodded. "I feel terrible for you Ranma. Now, move over please, I want to watch too."  
After a few hours Ranma realized this was some sort of marathon. Eventually Ryoga came downstairs (as P-Chan for some unknown reason) and sat on Ranma's head and watched.  
Nabiki eventually wandered down and after she and Kasumi spent about ten minutes glaring at each other and no doubt speaking telepathically she too sat down and watched. The entire "family" was watching this pathetic mush!  
Until Akane came downstairs yawning.  
"I don't understand!" Nabiki said, tears in her eyes. "She loves him, how can she treat him so badly!?"  
"You tell me, you seem to be the expert." Kasumi said, eyeing her sister, then Ryoga.  
"What's that supposed to mean!? Nothing happened! He's lying!"  
"He's been a pig all day, he hasnt said anything." Ranma said, now eyeing Nabiki.  
Nabiki paused for a moment, as if trying to figure out what to say next, which was very unlike her. However she chose silence instead of words and just sat back and tried to change the subject.  
"Who's that guy that just got shot?"  
"Poor Ray. How many times was he shot in the head today?" Ranma asked.  
"Ten, but *Ryoga* counted five in another episode." Kasumi said, putting emphasis on Ryoga's name and glaring at her sister.  
"What the heck are you guys talking about?" Akane asked.  
"This terrible story!" Nabiki wept. "Of a man, his evil twin, another man and lots of loose women who seem to be very open about their sex lives."  
"A soap opera?" Akane asked.  
"Exactly!" Kasumi cried.  
"Is it any good?" Akane asked.  
"It's the worst thing we've ever watched." Ranma groaned.  
"Then why don't you turn it off?" Akane asked.  
"And miss the ending!?"  
"These things never end. Catch the re-run." Akane offered.  
"They never re-run." Kasumi noted. "Never in my years of being the home maker have I seen a re-run."  
*Now back to Soap Opera Re-Runs Volume XV!*  
Akane looked at everyone, Ranma wondered what she was going to do. Thus far everyone to set eyes on the TV had joined in the mindless watching of it. Akane however seemed to be stupid enough to be immune, she walked over and turned the TV off. "You are all freed!" She declared.  
"Andrea was just about to announce the father of her baby!" Kasumi cried.  
"Epona was going to take Ray back!" Nabiki wept.  
"Ernk! Ernk!" Ryoga/P-Chan grunted threateningly.  
Ranma decided to join in, "Ya turned off the bright box with colors and peoples in it!" He shouted.  
Soon the entire household was chasing after Akane, Ryoga still on Ranma's head like a pig skin cap.  
"Now I'll never know the secrets of true love!" Kasumi shouted.  
"And I'll never know if Ray comes out of his coma!" Nabiki cried.  
"And I'll never know if the marathon ends in time for the As the Earth Spins re-runs!" Ranma wailed.  
"And I'll never know why you guys were all watching it if you hated it!" Akane wailed, running as if her life depended on it, and that strange look in Kasumi's eyes suggested that it did.  
All in all Ranma was amazed at what staying home all day was like, he pitied Ryoga.  
  
That night . . .  
The Ninjas were outside in ambuscade, most of them had broken out of prison.  
"The girl who can somehow manage to kick all of our butts wants the little black piglet, or the boy with the bandanna."  
"What if we see both of them?"  
"Then capture the both of them you moron!"  
  
At that time Nabiki and a recently human again Ryoga were sitting in the living room speaking in hushed tones.  
"Kasumi is onto us." Nabiki whispered.  
"Why do you say that?" Ryoga asked. "I don't think anyone knows."  
"Really? Why then, did Kasumi ask me how you were in bed?"  
"She's joking, just joking." Ryoga shrugged.  
"It doesn't matter." Nabiki scowled. She glanced at Ryoga and took in every detail, having the strangest feeling that something strange was about to happen. Ryoga leaned towards her and they kissed briefly, then she separated herself from him, hearing what she thought was Kasumi walking towards them.  
She glanced at Ryoga again and asked, "Just how many of those bandannas do you have?"  
"I used to have about one hundred, but I lose some whenever I fight Ranma."  
"How many are you wearing now?"  
"Just two." Ryoga shrugged. "I keep others hidden in various areas of my person, ready to be hurtled at that cad at a moment's notice."  
"Right . . . gotcha." Nabiki nodded. She looked into Ryoga's eyes and he turned away, blushing.  
"Wh-why do you ask?"  
"Just curious." She said with a shrug. "I thought maybe it was a magical bandanna that replicates itself."  
"It isn't." Ryoga assured her. He looked over and then gulped. "Do you . . . eh . . . want one?"  
He offered her one of the many hidden bandannas. Nabiki felt her cheeks turning red, but took the yellow and black piece of cloth and inspected it for a moment. She tied it around her neck rather than head, and shrugged.  
"How does it look on me?" She asked.  
"Beautiful . . ." Ryoga mumbled, he looked enchanted.  
They leaned towards each other, their lips were millimeters away when Ranma popped up. "Can I have one too?"  
"Hey!" Ryoga cried as Ranma jumped onto the couch between him and Nabiki. He snatched one of Ryoga's bandannas and put it on. "Check me out! I'm Ryoga!"  
"Actually . . . you really do look like Ryoga." Nabiki nodded. "And did you notice you're sitting down?"  
As if on command the pain receptors in Ranma's rear end sent messages to his brain shouting that he was in fact sitting down and the pigtailed boy leapt up screaming and rubbing his rear.  
"Give that back you-" Ryoga lunged forward in a mad attempt to get the bandanna back.  
"Down P-Chan!" Ranma said, pouring a bucket of water on Ryoga. A bucket of water, which had magically appeared in his hands.  
That's the exact moment the ninjas broke down the wall and leapt in.  
"There's the pig, and there's the boy with the bandanna!"  
"Wha? I don't got no-oh no! It's not mine! It's his!" Ranma wailed.  
"Hey don't I know you?" One of the ninjas asked.  
"Huh? HEY!" Ranma cried. "You're one of the guys from prison!"  
"Hey! It's the soap dropper!" Another ninja cried.  
"Wow! Who'd have thought this would be Miss. Azusa's Bandanna wearing boyfriend!" Another ninja laughed.  
"We're out'a here!" a fourth said, whacking Ranma on the head and grabbing P-Chan. "Off to Azusa's house, where we can be paid and then go to the Cat Café to ogle that cute Chinese waitress!"  
Nabiki was left in the dust just wondering what had happened. When her senses came to her the only thing she could think to shout was "Who is paying for repairs on that wall!?"  
  
Meanwhile Azusa had set up a little Piglet house for Charlotte. Since that girl Kasumi had said Charlotte had no sense of direction, there were arrows all over the place pointing to the exit, since Charlotte had no sense of direction Charlotte would follow those arrows and never make it out of the house, or at least that's what Kasumi had said.  
The ninjas returned soon with Charlotte and . . . Charlotte?  
Charlotte's human form (wearing Ranma's cloths) and Charlotte's piggy form! "Now I have *two* Charlottes!" Azusa wailed with delight. She wasted no time in throwing "little Charlotte" into "her" piglet house, and tying "big Charlotte" up with several tight ropes and hanging "her" from the ceiling until playtime tomorrow.  
"Yer nuts! I'm gonna get free from here and when I do I'll-" "Big" Charlotte was shouting.  
"Ernk! Ernk! K-KKEE!" "Little" Charlotte was ranting.  
But what Azusa's warped mind heard was . . .   
Big Charlotte: Oh I can't wait to play tomorrow!  
Little Charlotte: Yay! My own little house! Azusa is so nice!  
And so Azusa, with a happy heart paid the ninjas then went to sleep in her bed, which she'd named Bernie after it had told her it was a boy.  
"Good night Patrice! Good night Madeline! Good night Allison! Good night Little Charlotte! (K-KEEE!) Good night Big Charlotte!"  
"The brain is rushing to my blood! I mean the blood is rushing to my brain!" Big Charlotte cried.  
"Kee-kee-kee-kee-kee!" Little Charlotte pointed and laughed at Big Charlotte.  
  
"Okay Kasumi, a bunch of ninjas just leapt in and stole Ryoga, we need to go get him back!" Nabiki announced suddenly.  
"Why?" Kasumi asked.  
"Because . . . eh . . . I said so!"  
"Nice scarf." Kasumi said with a clueless smile.  
"Shaddap! C'mon now, they took Ranma too!"  
"RANMA!" Akane shouted. She ran down stairs from her bedroom. "It's one thing for Azusa to steal your boyfriend Nabiki, but for her to steal MY Fiancée? I won't have it!" Akane ranted.  
"What do you mean boyfriend!" Nabiki demanded.  
"Nice scarf." Akane said with a wicked grin. "Nabiki Hibiki? At least your first and last names will rhyme."  
"Oh you're going down baby sister!" Nabiki warned.  
"Really though, why should we go after them? Ryoga will escape again and with Ranma there he'll know how to get back." Kasumi shrugged.  
"Unless they get into a fight." Akane noted.  
Then another terror struck Nabiki. Sure it was bad if Ryoga were taken away from her, but what if he was taken away *and* he got into a fight without her there to pool the bets? "I WON'T HAVE IT!" She shouted suddenly. She grabbed her sisters by the wrists and ran off through the recently made hole in the wall, passing Mousse on the street Nabiki shouted "Mousse, our home has a very large hole in the wall, if you stay there and guard it and make sure no thieves come inside while we're gone I'll get you a date with Shampoo!"  
"Done!" Mousse shouted. Had Nabiki stuck around she might have noticed that he started guarding the wrong house, but she was in a terrible hurry.  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
Soun was amazed that Mousse could notice anything, but still he felt uneasy now. "The ninjas are back! We must go back home and sort things out!" He announced.  
"Yes, but Genma wont leave the zoo." Nodoka said. "Besides, the children shall handle themselves or my son is no man!"  
"They have the blind kid guarding the house!" Soun wailed. 


	15. Azusa's Last Stand!

Disclaimer: I do not own Ranma ½. If I did I would buy and sell your sorry butts!  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 15  
Azusa's Last Stand!  
  
Mousse sat outside what he thought to be the Tendo home keeping robbers out. It was lucky that he wasn't guarding the house across the street, it had a huge hole in the wall and people were looting the crap out of it!  
That's when Mousse heard this low growl, he turned and looked around but saw nothing.  
Naturally he could think of only one thing to do. Put his glasses on.  
After all, Shampoo wasn't around to see how ridiculous he'd look. To his surprise what he saw was an enormous German Shepherd!  
"Shampoo?" He asked. The dog leapt at him in the way he only dreamed Shampoo would and snatched his glasses of his face and ran off to the house that was getting looted. Mousse really couldn't see anything after that. Then an old mane came up to him. "Hey sonny! Are you hurt? What are ya doing outside my home?"  
"Back, robbers!" Mousse cried. "I have sworn to defend the Tendo home from robbers and if you try to pass me you will know the fury of Mousse, master of-"  
"The Tendo house is across the street young'un. And it's being cleaned out right now!"  
"What!?" Mousse cried, putting on his spare pair of glasses. He lowered his head in defeat. "Aww I hate doing favors for Nabiki Tendo anyway!" He scowled.   
  
Ryoga woke up in the middle of the night, he was very comfortable, he was a pig on a pillow, a very comfortable pillow. He expected to look to the side and see Nabiki instead he saw a pink wall.  
'Oh yeah . . . I'm back at my third home . . .' Ryoga thought. 'Curse that girl!'  
"Oh Charlotte!" Azusa cried. "Charlotte wake up now! Azusa has prepared your brekkie-festie!"  
'Has she gotten worse since I left? Where's that window?' Ryoga thought. He waddled out of his house and looked around. 'What the heck? What time is it!?' Ranma was hanging from the ceiling, still wearing Ryoga's bandanna.   
Azusa held up two pork chops. "Berkkie time Charlotte!"  
'She's insane!' Ryoga thought. 'You can't feed a pig pork chops! Even if you did, what sane person eats them for breakfast?"  
Azusa threw one at Ranma who swing and caught it in his mouth. "M'you may me meeding me mut mont mink my mont mry mo met gulp away!" Ranma shouted.  
"Oh Charlotte! You're so silly!" Azusa threw a pork chop at Ryoga, who, realizing he was hungry leapt into the air to catch it, however he was batted down by Ranma who swung to get his teeth on it.  
The whole thing seemed strangely familiar . . . 'Hey!' Ryoga thought. 'That jerk! That's how we met, him stealing food from me!' "ERNK! ERNK!"  
"Relax Ryoga!" Ranma yawned as he swung from the ceiling. "Didn't want you to cannibalize on the thing!"  
Ryoga tried to jump at Ranma's face but the other boy swing around, his legs being tied to the ceiling he seemed to have no problem avoid Ryoga's Patented Bouncing Piglet Attack.  
"Now now!" Azusa said. "No fighting! You two need a bathy bath!"  
"NO!" Ranma cried. "Yer not going to bathe ME!"  
'YES!' Ryoga thought. 'I'll be human again!'  
"Charlotte, can you take Charlotte and Charlotte to the wash room and give them bathies?"  
"Yes madam." The butler groaned. "And my name is not Charlotte, Miss. Azusa."  
"Whatever." Azusa said, looking through her closet for a dumb looking outfit to wear. Or so Ryoga thought, instead she whipped out a red dress with white polka dots and threw it at the butler. "Make-um big Charlotte wear-um dis when she gets out of the Shower!"  
Ryoga couldn't help it, as Ranma yelped he tossed and turned, laughing his piglet head off. He didn't see Azusa whip out the dreaded "Stretchy, not Fitty" dress from his last visit, apparently re-sewn after the run in with the bald eagle.  
  
About Five Seconds Later . . .   
"C-C-COLD!" Ranko screamed.  
"ERNK?" A very ticked off Ryoga. 'Still haven't fixed their pipes? Well I understand what with all the money they must spend on Azusa's therapy, which doesn't seem to be working! Oh no, I'm talking to myself!'  
"Oh my . . . the boy with the bandanna turns into a pretty girl!" The butler cried. "The gods have granted me my greatest desire! Come to me oh beautiful water-sprite!"  
"WAK!" Ranko yelped in surprise as the butler clomped down on her with enthusiasm that put Shampoo to shame!  
'I wonder if he's related to Kuno . . .' Ryoga thought, as the butler began spouting poetry, fondling Ranko in ways that again put Shampoo to shame.  
So really it was no surprise when Ranma finally retaliated, and threw the guy across the room making a hole in the wall. "Watch it buddy!" Ranko shouted. "I've been to prison, I'm one crazy mo-fo!"  
"Ernk!" Ryoga nodded. 'Yes, you are crazy and you probably are a mo-fo, whatever that is, I'm not sure I want to know.'  
"Charlotte! Charlotte! What are you doing? Gasp Oh no! Josephine!" Azusa wailed.  
"I am not Josephine!" The butler groaned.  
"Bad Big Charlotte! You're going to have to be punished!"  
"KEE-KEE-KEE!" Ryoga snickered. 'Heh-heh! Ranma gets punished!'  
"It was his fault!" Ranko said, pointing at Ryoga.  
Ryoga stopped snickering when Azusa whacked him over the head with a mallet.  
  
Nabiki sat in Azusa's extravagant home. She would, she told herself, have to remember to buy this place some day; just so she could have it burned to the ground. It smelled funny, thought not necessarily in a bad way, it smelled like cinnamon. Nabiki must have missed the scent the last time she came, but then again she didn't really care.  
"It's a pleasure to see you again sir." She said to Azusa's father.  
"I wish I could say the same. You still have my watch, don't you!?"  
"You mean *this* old thing?" Nabiki asked, revealing the gold Rolex, which she'd discovered, was a fake anyway. "You want it back?"  
"Yes, extremely! My wife thinks I've been gambling again!"  
"But you *were* gambling." Akane pointed out.  
"And you, like so many others lost to our Nabiki." Kasumi added.  
"I didn't know she was actually any good at it!" Azusa's father wailed. "I invented that game myself so that no matter what I always won, but somehow she kept winning anyway! But I need that watch back! Let me win it in a game of strip poker, please?"  
"No." Nabiki said calmly. "If we did that, my sisters would be down to their unmentionables before midnigh. I will however give you the watch in exchange for my little sister's pet piglet."  
"Really, I think he's mostly Nabiki's pet now." Akane whispered to Kasumi who just giggled.   
Nabiki shot them a deadly glare.  
"The pig again?" Azusa's father groaned. "Okay look, I'll give you the pig in exchange for the watch, and five minutes with your little sister."  
"DIE PERVERT!" Akane screamed.  
She grabbed the couch she and Kasumi were sharing-with Kasumi still sitting on it-and got ready to hit a home run, then Azusa's father wailed, "No! I didn't mean it that way! Honest! What I *meant* to say with five minutes . . . of eh . . . your little sister playing with my poor lonely Azusa! If she can survive-I mean handle that, she can  
have her pet piggy back!"  
"Well," Kasumi said, still sitting on the couch which was still being healed above Akane's head, "it seems a good bargain, and perhaps Akane will find some way to get *her* boyfriend back as well."  
"Her what?" Nabiki frowned. "Oh, Ranma! Hey, I forgot about him!"  
"I'm not doing it!" Akane wailed.  
"For the good of the entire family, you must." Kasumi said blankly.  
"And if you don't, I happen to know about a little some one doing a little something she wasn't supposed to be doing in the dojo!" Nabiki added.  
"My goodness!" Kasumi gasped. "You mean . . . Akane was . . ."  
"Yep." Nabiki nodded.  
"What?" Akane asked.  
"Akane!" Kasumi gasped. "You were tracking mud into the dojo!?"  
Nabiki, Akane and even Azusa's father who'd stopped listening to the bickering sisters some time ago, fell face forward in classic anime style.  
"I guess so." Akane said when she recovered.  
"I suppose I'll leave it at that for now . . ." Nabiki nodded to her little sister. "But mark my words, you go get Ryoga back or I'll tell the whole world your still wearing a training bra!"  
"But it isn't true!" Akane said. "No one will believe you!"  
"Are you so sure?" Nabiki asked. "An accusation is as good as real fact, especially when the person accused has no way of disproving the accusation without losing face!"  
"You've confused me." Kasumi piped in.  
"Okay girls!" Azusa's father said. "I tell you what. Since you cant seem to decide who's going to go, you can all go for a total of five minutes if you want your pig back. Deal?"  
"No deal!" Akane cried.  
'Is Ryoga worth it?' Nabiki wondered.  
"I suppose it's alright, but really none of us have slept at all tonight." Kasumi noted.  
"Kasumi, it's almost morning." Akane said.  
Nabiki shook her head, then nodded. Then she shook her head again. "I'll do it!" She said. "But if I have to spend more than five minutes with her I keep the watch!"  
"CHARLOTTE! COME BACK HERE CHARLOTTE!" Azusa wailed from up stairs, the ceiling plaster began to snow down and there was an explosion of some sort.  
Azusa's father said, in a voice so calm with a face so blank not even Kasumi could have looked more detached from the real world, "That's fair."  
  
Ranko was sitting in a corner, snickering as Ryoga received his punishment, to be used as a doll in a game of dolls with several expensive looking dolls that looked to be in a state of disrepair from no doubt numerous displays of "mallet justice" and such.  
Then some guy shouted, "Azusa sweetie, I have three brand new friends for you to play with!"   
"Oh goodie!" Azusa squealed. Ranko's jaw dropped when Kasumi, Nabiki and Akane came into the room-in that order-Azusa squealed with delight. "I'll name her Marguerite, she'll be Brooke, and she's . . . eh . . . Esmeralda!"  
'Running out of French names?' Ranko thought. "Akane!" She shouted. "Hey, you came to rescue me! Now untie me!"  
However the girls seemed intent on ignoring her. "Let's get one thing straight, first of all we have names. Good names, we like them." Nabiki said.  
"Actually, I wouldn't mind being called Marguerite." Akane noted.  
"Silence!" Nabiki hissed. "Now listen up Azusa, my name is Nabiki and you know it's Nabiki! These are my sisters, one of whom I think you've met, the short loud mouth, Akane."  
"Short!?" Akane screeched.  
"And this is Kasumi," Nabiki was explaining, but Azusa cut her off.  
"Yes yes! Azusa knows you three! Akane Tendo steals Azusa's Charlotte-"  
"He was MY P-Chan!" Akane protested.  
"And then Nabiki Tendo steals Charlotte again, and sneaks away from the WPDDC show without giving Charlotte back like we agreed!"  
"Hey, you didn't win, so technically Ry-Charlotte is still mine." Nabiki scowled.  
"And Kasumi Tendo, she told Azusa how to capture darling Charlotte!"  
Nabiki turned on Kasumi and glared. Ranko actually found herself glaring at Kasumi as well.  
"We'll . . . talk about this . . . later." Nabiki said very softly, as if she were trying to keep from screaming. "Listen up Azusa," Nabiki said finally. "I'm just here for *my* Charlotte-I mean Ryoga. I want him back, he's got chores to do. I need to take him to school tomorrow-well *today* as well, so if you don't mind . . ."  
"But he is Azusa's Charlotte!"  
Ranma scowled. "Why isn't anyone trying to save ME?"  
"Yer a big lad, ye can take care of yourself." Akane said with an accent.  
Then to everyone's surprise, Nabiki fell to her knees and threw her arms around Azusa's waist, and began to weep. "Oh Azusa! Have mercy! Ryoga and I have promised to marry each other, and the children, they will grow up without a father because he's some girl's pet?"  
"Yes." Azusa said.  
"You have kids!?" Akane gasped, Nabiki shot her a glare that Azusa didn't seem to notice since she was trying to pry the older girl off her waist.  
"Oh Azusa . . . with the last name that I cant remember! Please release unto me, my beloved and we shall forever raise our voices in praise to your generosity!"  
"No." Azusa said.  
"Oh well." Nabiki said with a sigh, standing up and ceasing her cries as if she were simply removing a mask, and in a sense Ranma realized she was. "Your father has to give him to us anyway if he wants his watch back." Nabiki said. "We just have to play with you for five minutes. So . . . what sort of games do you play with *my* pet pig Azusa?"  
"Azusa's father has no control over Azusa because Azusa has what's called 'leverage' over him, with discriminating photographs of him playing poker with discriminating people, whatever discriminating means. Besides, Azusa doesn't play games! Azusa and Charlotte have grand adventures!" Azusa said, grabbing the unconscious Ryoga and holding him to her bosom. Ranko snickered, if Ryoga were awake he'd probably be proving that pigs could blush.  
"That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Nabiki scowled.  
"Wow, this bed is so soft!" Akane yawned.  
"Is it?" Kasumi asked. Soon to both of them were asleep on Azusa's bed.  
"Feels like it's been jumped on a lot." Akane said.  
"Well she *is* friends with Mikado." Ranma pointed out. Akane and Kasumi jumped off the worn-out bed . . . then fell back down on it.  
"Hey!" Azusa cried.  
"Give back the pig and we'll give you your bed!" Nabiki said in triumph.  
"Hey!" Ranko whined.  
"Oh, right, the sex-changing freak too."  
"Freak!? You're fawning over a guy who not only transforms into a cute little piglet, but has no sense of direction whatsoever, AND fangs like Dracula! Who's the freak?!"  
"Actually I think the fangs are kind of sexy, but I see your point." Nabiki nodded. "Regardless Azusa, surrender the pig or-"  
"HALT!" Kuno shouted, jumping through the window on . . . thing wings of an American Bald Eagle?  
"So many rare beauties in one room, how could I stay away?" Mikado sighed, leaping into the window after Kuno.  
"Craptastic!" Nabiki groaned. "Two of the biggest–I grant you cutest–perverts in town! Kuno-baby, if you're going to sneak into a girl's room wait until her guests are gone. Especially if the guest is me!"  
"Nabiki Tendo-I must prevent you from abducting the Charlotte!"  
"And I came because this Tatewaki "Blue Thunder" Kuno said there were lots of pretty girls here I could kiss." Mikado noted. "So, shall we, my sweet?" He asked, taking Nabiki's hand.  
Nabiki actually seemed to be considering it, she looked him up and down then shook her head.  
"Are you wearing ice skates?"  
"Eh . . . yes." Mikado admitted.  
"Mickey!" Azusa whined. "They wanna take-um Charlotte away from Azusa!"  
"Why on earth would I care?" Mikado shrugged.  
"WHO CARES?!" Ranko agreed. "Now get me down from here!"  
"Pigtailed goddess!" Kuno cried. Ranko sighed.  
"This is going to be a long night." Nabiki said.  
  
Indeed it was. Azusa watched as Marianne (Kuno) cut free big Charlotte, and was rewarded with a kick in the groin, this made Azusa giggle. Then Mikado and Marianne started fighting because they both wanted to kiss Big Charlotte. The whole time Azusa cradled little Charlotte in her arms happily, very amused with what was going on.  
Eventually big Charlotte was drawn into the fighting, beating down on Marianne, but also giving Mikado a fair helping of pain.  
Then finally, the mean Nabiki Tendo came over and said to Azusa in a mean evil voice "I'm the mean Nabiki Tendo and if you don't give me your Charlotte I'll blow your house down!"  
What she actually say was "Listen Azusa, if you don't give me back Ryoga, I'll have to take him from you!" (Yeah, that's so much better eh?)  
"Azusa doesn't care what threats you use, Azusa is not giving up her Charlotte!"  
"Then I'll huff, and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in!" The mean Nabiki Tendo said.  
What was actually said was "Then you leave me no choice! Kasumi! Get me a liquor bottle, a rag and a book of matches!"  
But Nice Kasumi Tendo was sleeping. So was Very Mean Akane Tendo.  
Then Big Charlotte said, "Why don't we wake Ryoga up and ask him who he wants to stay with?"  
But what was actually said was "This little piggy goes to market and we live in a shoe!"  
Everyone stared at her, and then big Charlotte said, "I love playing with Azusa!"  
What was actually said was "You have to speak her language! It's the only way she'll understand!"  
Then Big Charlotte said, "Lets turn Charlotte into a human so he can choose which one of you he wants to marry."  
~The princess kissed the frog and he threw her down a well!~ Ranma's true words.  
"Marry?" Azusa frowned.  
"Yes, whom ever Charlotte chooses gets to marry Charlotte and live happily ever after!"  
~ Who said anything 'bout marriage? Oh forget it-long as ya get the idea!~  
"Yes!" Azusa squealed. "We will let Charlotte choose who Charlotte wants to live with!"  
"Well did anyone bring a spare pair of cloths?" Nabiki Tendo demanded. Everyone stared at her for a moment and she shook her head "Alright! Fine! Yes I *am* that well prepared! But it'll cost you!"  
"But *you* want the Fanged Wanderer back!" Marianne said. "Why then shall we pay you?"  
"Because the deal includes a gift package, fifteen pictures of Akane and the Pigtailed Girl, all at the mere price of twenty thousand yen!"  
"For so many pictures of Akane Tendo and the pigtailed girl? I would gladly pay double!" Marianne cried, then slapped his hands over his mouth.   
Mean Nabiki Tendo nodded and said "Very well, then pay double Kuno-baby, consider it donation to charity."  
"What charity?" Mikado asked.  
"Nabiki's pocket charity! And we *always* welcome donations." Nabiki said calmly.  
Azusa giggled because that must mean Nabiki was always poor!  
So preparations were made and a kettle of hot water was brought in, first big Charlotte became a boy again, in front of Marianne, and tried to explain that Charlotte was Charlotte, but Marianne demanded to know where the Pigtailed Girl had gone. Regardless Big Charlotte as a boy poured water over little Charlotte who grew into a fairy prince just like in the fairy tales!  
This also woke up little Charlotte, who quickly got dressed in the cloths mean Nabiki had brought him. A pair Khaki pants and a green T-shirt.  
"My god Nabiki!" Big Charlotte gasped. "Can't you pick out cloths?"  
"I look like a geek! I have a strange urge to beat *myself* up!" Little Charlotte said.  
"I'll do it for ya!" Big Charlotte said, punching little Charlotte in the stomach.  
"What'd you do that for?" Little Charlotte groaned.  
"I ain't entirely sure." Big Charlotte admitted.  
"Well it's not my fault if you can't appreciate fashion Ryoga!" Mean Nabiki said. "Now, choose which one of us you want to stay with."  
"Okay . . . what?"  
"Azusa and Mean Nabiki Tendo are going to let little Charlotte choose which one of us he really loves and wants to marry!"  
"WAK!" Charlotte fell face forward.  
"Marriage!?" Mean Nabiki demanded. "This is for ownership of a pig!"  
"Can we just get this over with?" Big Charlotte asked. "Choose a bride Ryoga!"  
"*You* of all people should be more compassionate, Ranma." Akane Tendo said, rubbing sleep from her mean evil eyes. "What with Shampoo and Ukyo and Kodachi . . ."  
"I would be, but Ryoga is a jerk, so I'm callous."  
Yes it had come down to this-Ryoga Hibiki a.k.a. Little Charlotte had to choose his future owner, Nabiki or Azusa. Who would he choose?  
  
Meanwhile . . . guess where . . . on da islands . . . that's where . . .   
  
"We've searched for Genma for a long time, where is he?" Soun groaned.  
"I do not know," Nodoka frowned, "but I think the answer is obvious. It must be under our noses."  
A man walked by passing out fliers for the Hawaiian Zoo. "See our petting zoo! See our newest Sign Wielding Panda! See our elephants!"  
"Sing Wielding Panda?" Soun frowned.  
"Let's go see it. Perhaps it will remind us of dear lost Genma." Nodoka said.  
"Eh . . . wait, when did you-"  
"The three of us, on a beach, drunk or not did you think I'd not notice my husband being a Panda? Besides, you fool I've known all the time!"  
"Oh-ho. How?"  
"That damn panda kept pinching my butt!" Nodoka cried. "Only Genma would be stupid enough to do that!"  
"I won't argue with that I suppose." Soun said. "Well, let's get going then."  
  
Genma was reclining on a rock, two female pandas were feeding him bamboo, and a male panda was lying in a bruised heap in the other corner. Soun knew his old comrade anywhere, that panda was old Saotome alright!  
"Look at the fool, does he think pandas are so like humans that they will sit thus and be fed by beautiful panda-women?" Nodoka scowled.  
"Actually pandas are much more like humans than many give them credit for, they are intelligent and-" A zoo worker said, but Nodoka cut him off with a raised hand.  
"You would be surprised how human that panda is." Soun grumbled.  
"Take us to the Panda!" Nodoka cried.  
"But-"  
The panda held up a sign that said "They're with me Pedro!" and the Zookeeper nodded and led Soun and Nodoka into the pen.  
There Nodoka quickly produced some hot water and splashed Genma, he became his normal fat worthless self.  
Soun watched with a mixture of curiosity and fear, waiting to see what Saotome's wife would do to him.  
"And what . . ." she said slowly, "were you doing with those . . . panda hussies?"  
"Wha? Oh eh . . . I beat up the alpha male so I rule the pack!"  
"Pandas don't travel in packs!" Nodoka cried.  
"Nor do most scientists believe they have interest in same-gender sex, but I've got the swollen rear end to prove that theory!"  
"But . . . how can you possibly establish yourself as leader of a bunch of wild animals Saotome? Don't you want to go back to Japan?" Tendo asked.  
"We are rich Tendo! And everything is so cheap here!"  
"Yes I know but-"  
"And best of all, no blasted kids!"  
The three adults paused.  
Nodoka spoke first. "Three and a half teenage girls. And, from what Tendo tells me Ryoga is there too, leaving one and a half teenage boys . . . how stupid are you two?" She demanded.  
The two grown men looked like little boys who had just been caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar. Sorry for what they'd done, but mostly just because they'd been caught.  
"So . . . when we do go back in another week . . . what are the odds Ranma and Akane will both still be alive?" Saotome asked.  
Soun thought about this one, but Nodoka answered with what Soun realized was common sense.  
"When we return in *twenty* days, what are the odds that Ranma and Akane, getting along well as Nabiki said, wont both have something to hide from us? If a marriage is what you two desire from the children, then leave them be for as long as you can. Besides, I'm not ready to give up these beaches."  
"There are beaches back in Japan!" Tendo cried. "My daughter's purity is at stake!"  
"That's true." Nodoka said. "Husband, we must go."  
"What? Why?" Genma asked. "I get everything I need here, two meals a day, two women-a bit hairy mind you but I'll survive, and an adoring public! Besides, Akane is a responsible girl, she wouldn't put out for some one like our boy!"  
"Or would she?" Nodoka remarked. "Don't you care that some strange boy is living in the house?"  
"Kasumi asked Ryoga to stay, and Nabiki didn't seem opposed to it . . . I think I can trust Ryoga, unlike Ranma he doesn't have a harem following him-poor unlucky kid." Soun said.  
"Yes, indeed. Well Kasumi is an adult, she can handle things." Nodoka said.  
"Why don't we call them now just to make sure?" Genma asked.  
"Oh, I'm sure they are all asleep right now." Nodoka said. "It's early morning over there."  
"Yes, they will all be asleep." Soun agreed.  
They rushed to a phone and called home, there was no answer. "Yes, I was correct, they are all asleep." Nodoka said. Then Soun froze when the unwanted answer came.  
"Hello?" Mousse asked.  
"Mousse? What are you doing there?"  
"It's a party, everyone is here."  
"WHAT!?"  
"I am only joking." Mousse said. "Who is this?"  
"This is Soun Tendo, what the heck are you doing there?"  
"Nabiki Tendo ordered me to guard the house, for a large hole was made in the wall. I am protecting it from looters."  
"Why is there a large hole in the wall!?" Soun demanded.  
"I do not know this." Mousse said. "But all three girls were running very quickly, and I did notice some ninjas earlier as I walked down the street."  
Soun was amazed that Mousse could notice anything, but still he felt uneasy now. "The ninjas are back! We must go back home and sort things out!" He announced.  
"Yes, but Genma wont leave the zoo." Nodoka said. "Besides, the children shall handle themselves or my son is no man!"  
"They have the blind kid guarding the house!" Soun wailed.  
"Yes, well I am sure everything will be alright when we get back in *twenty* days."  
"Ten!"  
"Thirty!" Nodoka scowled.  
"Fifteen!" Soun compromised.  
"Fifty!"  
"Do you want to be a grand mother?" Soun growled.  
" . . . Ten." Nodoka agreed at last.  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
"I shall pay you this money back!" Mousse announced. "I swear that for every article that is damaged I will pay you it's worth!"  
"Is that a fact?" Nabiki asked. She looked around, then Akane saw her break a vase on Ryoga's head. The shape-changing boy transformed into a pig and lay in a heap at Nabiki's feet along with a pair of roses that had been in the vase. "Family heirloom vase: ten thousand yen, flowers inside: three thousand yen, getting to smash something on Ryoga's head: priceless." 


	16. Science Class Rematch!

Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 16  
Science Class Rematch!  
  
Mousse sat patiently in conference with the large dog. It seemed he could actually understand the dog's body language, it was his bad eyesight that made it possible.  
"I see . . . she put ribbons in your fur eh? Whacked you with a mallet? I feel for you, you see my employer . . . perhaps future grand mother-in-law hits me quite often as well."  
"ROWF!" (Does that doggy, twist shake get rid of water put it on owner thing)  
"You don't say! A little pig? Yes I know of a man who becomes a pig, why do you ask?"  
"ROWF!" (Scratches)   
"Long lost brother eh? Well normally I'd find that hard to believe, but since most of us turn into something when struck with cold water I'll accept your story."  
"ROWF!" (Confused look)  
"No." Mousse said. "I don't know where your brother is now. But I am sure he will return when the Tendos return."  
"ROWF!" (wags tail)  
"You don't say . . . so Nabiki is an easy lay is she?"  
"ROWF!" (Very confused look)  
"And Akane has a thing for furry animals? Of course she does! She had P-Chan as her pet for the longest time! Even though he isn't really furry . . ."  
"ROWF!" (Cocks eyebrow at Mousse)  
"Whoa! You mean a *thing* for animals? I would never have known. Yet . . . she does seem the type."  
"ROWF!" (Shrugs and leaves)  
  
Azusa's father checked his watch hand. Still no watch. He was sure it'd been more than five minutes, but then again since those little scalawags hadn't given him back his watch he could feign innocence, and if his little girl beat the tar out of them, so much the better.  
However when Azusa's skating partner, and some boy in a very old-fashioned swordsman outfit walked into the kitchen chattering about a pigtailed girl and rummaging through his kitchen he became very concerned.  
"Just what exactly do you think you two are doing in my house this late at night?"  
"Fighting for the dog swinging siren!" Sword-boy cried.  
"Oh . . . well just don't eat the last of the pudding." Azusa's father said.  
"There is pudding?" Azusa's skating partner cried, and both boys lunged for the fridge.  
  
Ryoga was lost in thought. This was a trick, he knew it. He could be Charlotte for the rest of his life, or P-Chan, either way he'd be some girl's pet. That he really *really* liked one of them and really *really* hated the other made little difference as Nabiki treated him as a servant and Azusa treated him as a possession. Neither would do. But there were his . . . personal feelings for Nabiki to consider as well.  
If he chose Azusa, he was fairly certain whatever it was he had with Nabiki would be over.  
But what *did* he have with Nabiki? They'd been together once . . . but did he love her? He was pretty sure . . . but did she love him? Had she ever said it without a joking tone? Come to think of it . . . had she ever said it at all? Had he? Now he was confused, as most teenage boys are when it comes to women, especially two women.  
In his mind he struggled with this thought, but also decided it'd be best to just go over to Nabiki before she got too angry with him.  
His mind was filled with thoughts, questions, and a quest for answers, answers to questions he'd forgotten he'd asked, and answers to questions he hadn't asked yet. But he knew the easiest way to get the answers he did need would be to spend more time with the source of the questions, and for now that source was Nabiki. His mistress, his torment, his bane, his . . . love?  
Too bad he wasn't concentrating on where he was going.  
"And Ryoga has chosen Kasumi!" Ranma said in a sports announcer sort of voice.  
"Oh my." Kasumi said drowsily. "I didn't know . . . I was one of the candidates . . ."  
Ryoga looked around and realized he'd walked right past Nabiki, missed Azusa even, he'd walked right into Kasumi. "What the . . . how did this . . . I'm sorry it was an accident!"  
"Oh sure it was." Nabiki said calmly. "I don't care, at least now we can go home."  
"And the also-ran takes her defeat surprisingly well!" Ranma cried.  
"Why wouldn't I? I'm pretty open to the idea of sharing my little slave." Nabiki said with a wink. "In fact since Ryoga will be spending all this extra time with Kasumi, I can take up a second boyfriend!"  
"AHA! She admits Ryoga is her boyfriend!" Akane pointed a triumphant finger at her older sister.  
"Who said the first was Ryoga? Did you forget Kinnosuke, my rival? How about Kuno, my hated enemy?" Nabiki asked. Ryoga shuddered because he wasn't sure if she was joking or acting or what. It was so hard to tell with the middle Tendo daughter.  
"But then why would Ryoga spending time with Kasumi be a factor?" Akane demanded.  
"Ryoga won't be spending time with me. He chose me by mistake, much like mother's decision to have more than one child. All a big mistake." Kasumi said with a friendly, clueless, Kasumi smile.  
"Shish, cant you two recognize a joke when you see one?" Nabiki scowled.  
"I recognized it!" Ranma said, waving his hands in the air.  
"Quick, some one give Ranma a prize!" Nabiki sighed.  
"Nabiki, I didn't mean to choose Kasumi, she wasn't an option remember? I was going for you, I must not have been paying attention." Ryoga said.  
"Oh sure. I'm sure you just accidentally walked past me and stopped in front of my sister." Nabiki said casually. "Anyway, Azusa do you have Mikado's number?"  
"Why?" Azusa demanded.  
"He's cute." Nabiki said.  
Azusa gasped. "You're right! Mickey IS cute!" Azusa ran downstairs screaming "Perault! Perault!"  
"Well, let's get going." Ranma said.  
  
"Well our clandestine strike at the zoo will go off without any problems . . . still . . ."  
Soun said, "I've been thinking, and it may not be necessary to spring Genma. Maybe they would pay him to be their sign-wielding panda if they knew he was really a human. It could be a good paying job for him, he might actually stop living off *me* for a little while."  
"That's what the half-a-million dollars is for. Besides, there are zoos in Japan that we can sell him to, at least that way he wont be spending his time with foreign panda-hussies!" Nodoka cried.  
"Better he spend it with local panda-hussies?" Soun frowned.  
"Exact-no! My husband shall perish today!"  
"What? How'd we come to this?" Soun asked.  
"I'm not sure . . . but now that I am set on it, I cannot be swayed! I will destroy Genma! And then you, so that there are no witnesses to my incredible heinous crime!"  
"Why did we bring you along again?" Soun whined.  
"That school teacher-hussy was busy, and you wanted *someone* you could easily get drunk and into bed."  
"That wasn't it!" Soun cried. He thought for a moment. "No wait . . . yeah, that was it. And . . . do you have to call everything female a hussy?"  
"Of course not! I haven't called your little skank daughters hussies have I? Huh?" Nodoka demanded.  
"Well no, but you did just call them skanks."  
"I'd never call anyone a skank! Especially not your hussies-I mean daughters! Curses! It is Genma, he has me so worked up! Now I will do one of three things. Here are our options, we can go over the plan again, I can murder you now to save time, or we can go have sex."  
"I find option number three greatly appealing, but because you are my comrade's wife, and because I don't want to be murdered quite yet, I shall have to say option one." Soun said.  
"Good! Because I might need you alive as a human shield as I escape the scene of the malicious zoo murder!"  
"Gah! Why didn't we just wait for Hinako-chan to have some vacation time?" Soun groaned.  
  
Nabiki and Ryoga didn't say anything the entire walk home, though Ryoga had made a half-hearted defense claiming that it wouldn't have happened if they hadn't put him up to such a stupid task. Akane wondered if Nabiki was being so stubborn because she was tired, or because she liked the sudden groveling attention Ryoga was paying her. After all, being the-Akane would grudgingly admit-smartest of the three sisters it would be strange for Nabiki not to realize that Ryoga had obviously gotten lost as only he could.  
Of course that was a whole new level of screwing up and getting lost, one that put the normal  
Ryoga to shame, but then, love did strange things to people, and Akane was certain Ryoga loved her sister.   
That, and she now had a bet with Ranma running on wether or not Nabiki and Ryoga's relationship was out of love or physical lust.   
Akane didn't see how it could be the latter since Nabiki knew countless guys, cuter than Ryoga-not that Ryoga wasn't cute-that she'd either blown off completely or just taken advantage of. It was as if Nabiki *had* no physical lust.  
Then again, Akane also knew what Ranma didn't. That Ryoga would be Nabiki's ideal boyfriend. Gone most of the time she'd be able to cheat on him with whomever she wanted under normal circumstances, a little younger so if she wanted she could break up with him and claim she was just going to college, he was naive enough that he'd probably do whatever she asked him to-and so far to Akane's knowledge he had-not to mention that being-arguably-the second strongest fighter in the little martial artist community, and with all the freak martial artists showing up for Ranma now and then having a tough boyfriend would really have benefits in the field of protection.  
Though come to think of it, Ryoga himself was one of the freak martial artists showing up for Ranma every now and then. In fact apart from Kuno's daily challenge, Ryoga probably fought with Ranma the most, though things were a little easier since they'd been forced to live under the same roof, Akane was fairly certain that that was just because there was no one around for Nabiki to pool bets from so she was holding Ryoga back.  
And tomorrow-er today at school she'd probably find out if her sister were planning anything, though with Nabiki you only found out her plans when she wanted you to, or straight out told you. Or if you could catch her early in the morning right before she truly woke up, and get her into a sort of hypnotic trance of truth speaking. Akane had only managed to do that once, and now she began to suspect Nabiki had just played along since it was obvious to her now that the things her sister had said were all false, i.e. the world ending, something about some one called Loki escaping, and the answer to the meaning of life was not forty two, but twenty four.  
When they got to the house though, Akane wanted to kill Mousse. Nabiki however handled things rather well . . .  
"Okay . . . the TV is gone . . . the table is gone . . ." she'd said, writing up a bill for Mousse, one which really the amazon boy would probably never pay. But of course, Akane felt that Nabiki enjoyed the sort of debt that would not be paid because she got to torment the person in debt. "Our table is gone, what freak takes the table? The seat cushions are gone too . . ."  
"Oh surely whoever took them needed them more than we do. After all, they are only material possessions and for a small price can be replaced." Kasumi said, the voice of reason.  
"A price. That's right Kasumi. Well Mousse the table was a wedding gift to mother and father, but it had sentimental value so . . . one hundred thousand yen. Oh, and the Spice rack is gone too." Nabiki noted.  
"The scoundrels must DIE!" Kasumi screeched so much for being the voice of reason.  
"Lets see . . . what else is missing . . . I think that is everything . . ." Nabiki said, ignoring Kasumi who had gone into the kitchen and was sharpening butter knives and looking for the bigger cutting knives.  
"I shall pay you this money back!" Mousse announced. "I swear that for every article that is damaged I will pay you it's worth!"  
"Is that a fact?" Nabiki asked. She looked around, then Akane saw her break a vase on Ryoga's head. The shape-changing boy transformed into a pig and lay in a heap at Nabiki's feet along with a pair of roses that had been in the vase. "Family heirloom vase: ten thousand yen, flowers inside: three thousand yen, getting to smash something on Ryoga's head: priceless."  
Akane frowned. "Wow . . . you've got a mean streak as long as Kasumi's nice streak."  
"You can't compare streaks, they're invisible so to speak and so . . . why am I having this conversation with you?" Nabiki scowled. P-Chan just groaned as if he agreed with Akane.   
"That is an incredibly pricey vase, and the roses are right out. But I will keep my word." Mousse unwisely reminded Nabiki of his foolish oath. The older girl looked around for something else to break, since Mousse was near blind he really couldn't tell that Nabiki was just messing with him.  
She ended up breaking a dish on Akane's head, and Akane finally got the sleep she desired.  
  
When Ryoga Hibiki woke up he was lying comfortably on a pillow on a bed . . . that again wasn't Nabiki's.  
He looked around and to his horror saw they had him bunking with Ranma! P-Chan was caught between two instincts. One, kill Ranma while he could, two, find a source of hot water then kill Ranma. He chose the first option and made a-he thought-heroic leap for Ranma's throat, but two soft yet surprisingly strong hands caught him mid-leap.  
The piglet made a face involuntarily that made Nabiki Tendo smile. Ryoga just glared at her.  
"Ready for school sweetie?" She asked.  
"Ernk!" 'No!'  
"I'll bet you're really excited!"  
"Oink! Ernk!" 'I said NO!' Ryoga thought.  
"Great!" Nabiki said, Ryoga noticed she had a slight red hue to her eyes. Had she slept at all?  
"Ernk?" 'Does she want me to fight Ranma again?'  
"Don't worry, you won't be fighting Ranma today, he's playing sick again. I just want the pleasure of your company Ryoga, my darling."  
'Darling eh?' P-Chan snorted.  
"What enthusiasm!" Nabiki said with her characteristic grin. "Off we go, before everyone else wakes up!"  
'Wha? Wait why don't we want them to wake up?' "ERNK!" Ryoga oinked in protest. 'I'm hungry!'  
However P-Chan was helpless as Nabiki led him out the door, eventually deciding he'd be best suited to perching on her shoulder.  
"Don't worry Ryoga, I brought you a spare change of cloths incase Ranma does show up, I know how much you like to take him on."  
'Oh boy! I can't wait! Hey wait . . . I'm being sarcastic in my own mind! Gah! And I'm talking to mysel-stop! Gotta stop! No more talking! Enough!'  
  
"The plan is simple," Akane said to Mikado. "You just jump in there when you see my sister and Ryoga, then challenge him to a duel, tell him that if he loses or declines you get to date my sister Nabiki, but if he defeats you you'll swear an oath of respect to him!"  
"That's really lame Akane. Why would Ryoga care about an oath of respect?" Ranma sighed.  
"Exactly! If he accepts then we know for sure that he doesn't want Nabiki dating Mikado! And Mikado is so handsome, the sort of guy Nabiki usually goes for so unless she likes Ryoga too she'll be completely neutral on the matter!"  
"There is a flaw in your plan." Mikado said. "No woman can resist a date with me and your sister would likely sabotage her own defender in order to achieve a date with me!"  
"That's a sacrifice I am willing to make!" Akane said. "I *know* Ryoga and Nabiki are madly in love, and I *know* this will prove it, then Ranma will owe me money!" Akane cried.  
"Get a grip Akane!" Ranma sighed.  
"I've really got no motivation to do this . . ." Mikado sighed.  
"You think Akane Tendo is cute right Mickey?" Ranma asked.  
"It's Mikado, and yes."  
"Well if you think that tom boy is cute you should see her two sisters, Nabiki especially, makes Akane look like she was beaten with an *ugly* stick-WAK!" Ranma screamed as Akane kicked him so hard that he went flying out through a hole in the roof.  
"If this is true then I will indeed fight for and win a date with this sister of yours." Mikado sighed. "But I'd rather date that long legged goddess from last night, the one with the short hair, and pretty brown eyes . . ."  
Akane sighed. "That's her."  
"Oh . . . she *does* make you look like you were beaten with an ugly stick." Mikado said. Akane kicked him out through the hole in the roof.  
  
Ryoga was enjoying school this time even less than last time! He didn't have to dissect pigs, but science class still made him sick, and then during a break he'd accidentally been transformed into P-Chan and the instructor had tried to dissect *him*! What a freak! Nabiki had come in at just the right moment looking for him.  
Now it was lunch time and Nabiki was again force feeding him, this time because she'd gone and made a bet about how much Ryoga could eat, and normally that'd be the sort of bet Ryoga would gladly take, the fact that she'd gone and made it without his consent after he'd just avoided being cut up into tiny pieces caused him to lose his appetite.  
That's when it happened. That guy on skates showed up and made a startling declaration.  
"I am Mikado the Great! And I have come to challenge Ryoga Hibiki for the right to date Nabiki Tendo!"  
"Bargained well and done! Let the fight begin!" Kuno cried.  
"Shut up Kuno!" Nabiki snapped.  
But now students were swamping the middle Tendo daughter with questions about her and Ryoga.  
"Wow Nabiki! I knew you were dating Ryoga!"  
"I knew you two spent too much time together!"  
"Don't tell anyone I set up a drug lab in your house last night okay?"  
Ryoga scowled, but had to admit he was almost . . . grateful to Mikado for showing up when he did and effectively ending the eating contest.  
"If I win, or if you refuse to duel," Mikado continued, pointing a threatening finger at Ryoga  
"then Nabiki Tendo is *mine* and you are disgraced! But if you defeat me I swear I will respect you forever as my fighting equal!"  
"I'm getting the short end of the stick here . . ." Ryoga grumbled.  
Nabiki glared at him for a moment. "I wont force you to accept this one Ryoga-baby, but if you don't I'll know you don't really care about me. But then again, maybe that's what you want, since you like *Kasumi* so much more than me."  
"What makes you say . . . oh yeah . . . I told you that was an accident!" Ryoga complained.  
"Alright Mikado, I'll accept your duel, but not because I want your respect, or because I'm protecting Nabiki, I accept simply because unlike Ranma Saotome I don't run away from my fights!"  
"Then we shall fight, two hours from now, at the skating rink!"  
"Sk-skating?" Ryoga frowned.  
"Yes, ice skating. Be prepared!" Mikado laughed.  
"Can it be in a week?" Ryoga asked.  
"Why?"  
"I eh . . . I need a week to find my way there!" He said.  
"I'll take you!" Nabiki offered.  
"Nabiki! I need the week to learn to skate!" Ryoga whispered.  
"Oh-ho . . . Okay Mikado, I'll get him there in one day! Tomorrow at noon you'll have your duel!"  
"NABIKI!" Ryoga wailed.  
"I accept! And middle Tendo . . . do not wear anything complicated, I believe two people as beautiful as we, should not have to spend too long on a date before getting down to business." He said, then he disappeared.  
Ryoga glared at Nabiki, who glared back. "Ryoga," she said, "if you let him hit you just once, you can break his neck and it'll count as self defense, you wont be tried for murder . . . now on the other hand, I'd like it if you beat him to a bloody pulp and left him within an inch of death so that I could personally do the honors of killing the scum, but I'll let you decide what's best."  
"Eh . . . Nabiki, did you forget that I can't skate?" Ryoga asked.  
"Forget? I never cared enough to find out." The older girl shrugged.  
"I just told you!"  
"I wasn't listening."  
"I'm doomed!" Ryoga whined.  
"They are such a perfect match!" Kuno cried. Ryoga shoved his food down the older boy's throat. "Ah, thank you Fanged Wanderer! I was quite hungry!"  
"Then bite your tongue!" Ryoga cried.  
  
The next morning . . . on da islands . . .  
  
Soun was enjoying the sunshine of the islands, he watched the bulldozers level the ground, Nodoka had called him crazy, but who was crazy now!? Who! Who!? Who?!  
"BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
Soun was having this particular area steam rolled and flattened, mostly because he could, there really was no other purpose. Eventually he might hire some Hawaiian workers to build a huge statue of him, however despite the travel brochures they weren't a bunch of grass skirt wearing primitives and when he offered them minimum wage to build a giant statue they mostly scoffed, or asked who the heck he was.  
But Soun had made his decision! And soon his children would know that their father was King of Hawaii!  
That is . . . if Nodoka didn't kill him first.  
"You cant build a statue," she was saying, "you're not the king of Hawaii either, and before you even suggest it, we're not moving our families down here just so you can get out of having to sneak Genma out of the zoo with me!"  
"Eh? I never said I wanted to sneak my family down to the zoo!"  
"What? Hey that's not what I . . . you son of a-"  
"Look! The ground is nice and leveled!" Soun cried.  
"What good does that do us?"  
"Absolutely no good at all." Soun smiled. "But I'm rich! And you're going to kill me soon so I might as well be . . . what's the word? Spontaneous?"  
"I don't think Spontaneous applies to something this stupid . . ." Nodoka frowned.  
"Really? Oh . . . well . . . I'll think of something to explain this." Soun assured her.  
"Can we go get Genma out of the zoo now?"  
"Is the plan still to kill me after we rescue Genma?"  
"Yes."  
"Then no we cant. Still more flattening to do."  
"Damn you Tendo!" Nodoka whined.  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
"This is a Martial Arts Figure Skating Contest." Mikado said. "A Martial Arts Figure Skating *Pair* Contest."  
Nabiki frowned. She looked at Ryoga, then at Mikado. Through her devilish plan Ryoga wouldn't have to know how to skate, but to actually put this plan into effect she had to be on the sidelines . . . this was not good.  
She glared at a giggling Kasumi and knew her sister had known about this somehow.  
"It doesn't mater!" Nabiki scowled. "At least *I* know how to skate." 


	17. Troublesome Trouble

Disclaimer: See past chapters for disclaimers. The only thing to add to it here is that I don't own Pixie Stix. I do not own the historical strategist Kongming either, so there! I do now own Cartoon Network or Zoids.  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 17  
Troublesome Trouble  
  
"Left foot! Right foot! Avoid the wall! No I said avoid it!" Nabiki growled. Ryoga could tell she was resisting the urge to pour water on him. He was already quite surprised at how quickly Nabiki had come up with a plan to teach him to skate, but then again she'd been the one to set the duel up for tomorrow.  
The roller blades were also a suspiciously good fit, if only she'd thought to pad the walls of the dojo Ryoga might not be getting the life pummeled out of him.  
Ryoga blamed it all on her! It wasn't really her fault, but it was so easy to blame it on her!  
Especially since she'd made it her mission to teach him to skate in a few short hours. As it is the two were lacking sleep, and those short hours had become all day. More likely than not they would sleep in and miss the duel. Ryoga wouldn't mind that one bit.  
He had nothing to really gain from this fight. If he lost Mikado got to date Nabiki . . . but Ryoga trusted the scheming girl not to do anything wrong. And what was wrong? He still wasn't sure how things were supposed to work in this relationship-if that was in fact what it was.  
She'd set the duel up to early for Ryoga to conceivably learn to skate, did she want to date Mikado? Was he still her slave? He was full of to many questions and very little zeal for this upcoming contest.   
  
Nabiki growled fiercely, holding back the urge to strangle Ryoga for accepting this duel without knowing about the skating portion. 'He's just a man, and therefor stupid. He's just a man, and therefor stupid.' She repeated over and over in her head. She also blamed him for tricking her into setting up the duel a day early, Nabiki blamed her impending date with Skate-Boy on Ryoga! It wasn't completely his fault but it was just so easy to blame him.   
It was even easier to vent her annoyance by teasing him about his failures. It wasn't very productive of course but she already knew Ryoga wouldn't be good enough to beat Mikado by tomorrow.  
Did he want to lose? Could anyone be this bad a skater? She hadn't watched Ranma's match with Mikado a while back-she hadn't felt a need-so she didn't know Ranma was almost as bad as Ryoga. She knew-but didn't really know in detail that Ryoga had actually joined in that fight and the pair of them had beaten Mikado and his annoying midget partner Azusa.  
But Nabiki assumed-and rightly so-that Ranma and Ryoga, working together had simply caused some sort of strange calamity that ended the match in their favor. The two together were unstoppable in the worst way-the way that they didn't intend on. When working together they usually tried to kill each other, each assuming the other opponents would be easily dealt with after the fighting was over. For that reason, and the fact that she didn't want the practice rink-the Dojo-to be trashed, she'd decided not to take up Ranma's offer to a skating spar with Ryoga.  
Now seeing Ryoga trying to fight the walls-and losing-the middle Tendo felt quite sure she'd soon be enjoying-or perhaps pretending to enjoy-the company of Mikado Sanzenin. Of course if he had lots of money she could spend-through him of course-would it be so bad?  
One look at fumbling Ryoga and somehow Nabiki felt it would.  
"Alright you numbskull!" She shouted. "Try *again* and this time do it without punching a hole in the ground to stop-one which your going to be repairing later-you have breaks Ryoga-honey, use them!" She shook her head. 'This isn't going to work.' She thought. 'Good thing I always have a backup plan. But should I use it?' the young girl thought. Nabiki Tendo might only have been a young woman, but she had brains to make Kongming jealous, she had the entire duel planned out in her mind. It would take something supremely unexpected to slip her up now.   
  
Kasumi watched intently as Nabiki trained her unfortunate champion in the art that was skating.  
Too bad, Kasumi thought, that Nabiki didn't know Mikado had changed the type of challenge.  
Still, Kasumi felt it was unnecessary to inform her little sister. After all, she seemed so intent on scolding Ryoga, why interfere with her fun? Kasumi giggled to herself at how deceptive she'd become.  
Soon enough Nabiki would know that she was not the only one in the family that could play a trick, or swindle. Soon enough Kasumi would show them all just how dangerous she was.   
If only she could remember why she was trying to accomplish this . . . she knew it had to be something important otherwise she wouldn't even now be forgetting to cook dinner. No wait . . . she was not forgetting because she'd just remembered! The pot-roast!  
The elder Tendo daughter rushed off into the kitchen, where she already found Ranma valiantly defending the place with a fire extinguisher.  
  
At about the same time, Akane and Ranma were watching Ryoga and Nabiki train from outside the dojo looking in through a window apparently unnoticed. Their bet was getting old, Akane was no closer to winning, Ranma was no closer to winning. They had decided to watch the two in the "privacy" of the dojo, of course just watching them Akane was starting to agree with Ranma.  
They couldn't be in love-let alone even like one another, if they were they certainly hid it well. Of course that did remind Akane of a certain other couple.  
Akane held a small rock. It was, she'd decided, time to collect on her bet. Time to win, whatever it took.  
Ryoga was struggling to skate, the rock probably wasn't going to be necessary, he'd fall eventually. But Akane needed him to fall at the right spot. "Ranma! What's that?" She asked, pointing to the Koi Pond. She threw the rock through the window, and it hit Ryoga in the face right between the eyes.  
The young fighter, for all his training, and the spider sense that had really only worked to get him accidentally kissed lately, couldn't stop or dodge the rock, even though from the corner of an eye he saw it coming. It hit him, and Ryoga fell over. On top of Nabiki.  
"You idiot!" She gasped.  
"Ouch!"  
"They're making out!" Akane proclaimed. "I win! I win! Pay up!"  
"They're what? They aint making out!" Ranma scowled. Akane shoved his face into the window, but all Ranma-and Akane for that matter-could see was Nabiki chasing Ryoga around the dojo with a bucket of water, Ryoga was suddenly an expert skater.  
"What d'ya know, looks like Ryoga can skate after all." Ranma said.  
"It's a survival mechanism, he knows if he slips up he's pork chops." Akane noted.  
"AAHHH!" Ryoga slipped.  
"DOOM!" Nabiki screeched, she lunged forward, Ryoga's leg came up, kicking the bucket of water into the air, and Nabiki stumbled and landed on top of him. The two laughed nervously, then Nabiki moved as if to kiss Ryoga . . . Akane was about to shout victory when the bucket came back down on her sister and Ryoga-now P-Chan.  
"Wanna just call this one a tie?" Ranma asked.  
"No!" Akane scowled. "Honor's sake demands I not give up!"  
"So we keep spying on yer sister and Ryoga hoping to find them in a compromising situation?"  
Akane paused. "Curse you! Fine, we break even . . . but . . ."  
"But what?" Ranma asked.  
"You gave me ten to one odds against them, I gave you two to one. So let's make this fair. I'll  
give you two hundred yen, you give me one thousand."  
"What!" Ranma shouted.   
"It's not that much." Akane said.  
"It's the principal of the thing!" Ranma cried. "You and Kasumi keep trying to get money from me like I got any! Stop trying ta swindle the wrong guy! Just having Nabiki was bad enough, now you've all got it like it's a virus! Greed!"  
"Hey you two peeping toms!" Nabiki shouted, and suddenly Akane's rock was returned to her . . . or rather Ranma when it struck him in the face, incidentally in the very same spot that it had hit Ryoga before.  
  
Meanwhile . . . things were progressing fairly well . . . unfortunately for Ukyo and Konatsu their pet had recently gone rabid and tried to eat one of the customers. It was time to do something about that.  
"Hello, our animal friend is rabid and needs to be put to sleep." Ukyo told the vet.  
"Huh? Oh sure. You have the animal with you?"  
Ukyo jerked a thumb at the large tattooed insane man that had become their loveable if not a little frightening pet.  
"Eh . . . what behind the tall guy?" The vet asked with confusion.  
"He *is* the tall guy." Ukyo said.  
"Get the heck out'a my clinic you darn kids! You think I have time for jokes like this? I'm a very busy man!"  
"Oh well . . . I guess we'll have to do this the old fashioned way." Ukyo said to Konatsu.  
Konatsu said, "Yeller was *my* dog ma, lemme shoot I'm. Please? PLEASE!"  
Ukyo was pretty sure their pet wasn't a dog, and Konatsu never named him Yeller, but she more or less got the gist of what the poor-very confused-boy was trying to say. She nodded her consent and watched as Konatsu pulled a Tommy gun out of thin air.  
"G'bye Yeller!" Konatsu wept.  
"Eh . . . g'bye?" The homicidal maniac frowned in confusion.  
There was the screeching sound of tires and a large white van pulled up. Men in white jumped out and loaded the insane man aboard.  
"This is prowler four, the egg is in the nest!" One of them said into a little radio. "I said the egg is in the nest!" He repeated. "Oh yeah, and we found the fuggin homicidal maniac!" The man in white turned to Ukyo and Konatsu.  
"Is they gonna take Yeller?" Konatsu asked.  
"Yes, I suppose they will, Sugar. But he'll be in a better place." Ukyo assured her friend. "And if you don't cut that  
accent out now I'll make you very sorry."  
"Congratulations on holding the homicidal maniac at bay! You're a hero little lady!" The man said to Konatsu, slapping him on the shoulder.  
"I am?" Konatsu asked.  
"Indeed! Your brave tactics held off one of the most dangerous murders in Japan! Good for you! Here is your reward!" The man said, reaching into his coat.  
"You see?" Ukyo said. "These things have a way of working themselves out. I'm not exactly sure how or why or even what 'these things' are, but it's all very true."  
"Indeed." The man repeated. He shoved a needle into Konatsu, then another into Ukyo. "You'll not be remembering any of this, sorry." He said. "And remember, there are no UFOs"  
"Huh? But you said we wouldn't remember anything so how can we remember that there are no UF---ooooohhh" Ukyo managed before she suddenly started jumping up and down real quickly.  
"Oh crap!" The man said. "This wasn't the Forgetful Formula, it's the liquidated Sugar Pill!"  
"Sugar!" Konatsu agreed. Soon Ukyo and her loyal waiter were smashing half the town in search of pixie stix and other delicious sugary items.  
"Our jobs are so gone." Another man in white said.  
"Hey, like the chest-bound girl in the unisex cloths said, these things have a way of working themselves out." The first guy said.  
"What things? And how?"  
"I don't know, just get in the truck and drive. If we're lucky no one will know we were ever here." The guy said, then waved goodbye to the mass of people who had watched them the whole time, three of them with video cameras.  
  
Meanwhile . . . Akari sat in council with various other young women. The Ryoga Hibiki Fan Club.   
They were a fraction of the size of the Ranma Saotome Fan Club, and lacked the powerful generals such as Shampoo or Ukyo to lead the covert wars the fan clubs occasionally launched.  
There was also a Mousse Fan Club. For that matter there was an Akane Tendo Fan Club, a newly founded Shampoo Fan Club too, and "back in the day" there had been a Kasumi Tendo Fan Club.  
Akari cared nothing for those ones, her focus was the Ranma Saotome Fan Club because she lost more of her own members to it every day. Curse that dashing pigtailed swine! No wait, swine was a good word to Akari. Curse that dashing pigtailed . . . non-swine!  
"It is plain to see that Nabiki Tendo is evil and cruel. We must discover what it is about her that Ryoga finds so attractive." The small girl said.  
"My spies tell me that Tendo and Hibiki aren't in love at all, that he's working off a debt." Thus spoke one of Akari's lieutenants in the "Ryoga Hibiki" fan club.  
"That's not true!" Akari wailed. "How can any woman not be in love with Ryoga Hibiki?"  
The young women-and old woman for Cologne had attended out of curiosity, and in hopes that such a large gathering of stupid females would somehow attract Happi whom she'd decided to capture and torture-nodded their heads in agreement. After all, how could any woman not love Ryoga? And Akari knew about how he turned into a pig, the one thing she loved more than mankind was pig kind!  
In fact the group had gotten six new members since Nabiki Tendo started bringing Ryoga to school like some pet. This was the only thing good to come of Nabiki Tendo's enslavement of Ryoga. Akari had even heard rumor that Kasumi Tendo was keeping Ryoga around as a guard for the Tendo home. This of course wasn't so bad, it was noble of Akari's beloved Ryoga to be guarding the place. But the place did happen to be the home of three young beauties. Four when Ranma Saotome was a girl, though Akari didn't think about that.  
"What will we do?" One girl said, snapping Akari out of her thought daze.  
"We must go to the skating rink and kidnap Ryoga!" Akari said.  
"But that wouldn't be nice!" One girl said.  
Akari's eye twitched. "Seize her!" She screamed. The other women leapt on the outrageous speaker, then tied her to a large wooden cross, flipped it upside down and lit a whole bunch of candles.  
"Come away evil spirits!" Akari screamed, for surely if this woman wasn't willing to kidnap Ryoga she was no Ryoga Groupie and thus, since Akari believed every woman loved Ryoga, she knew this one must be possessed by the devil.  
There was a knock on the door, then the priest came in and said, "Hello, I hate to interrupt . . . your . . . I say, are you conducting satanic rituals?"  
"Speak your peace unless you want a piece of this!" Akari warned. On this particular day she had no time for men that were not Ryoga.  
"Right, eh . . . Smoker's unanimous needs this room by noon, can you and your godless rituals clear out by then?"  
"Done! Now leave before we sacrifice you to our all-handsome Ryoga!" Akari warned.  
"Gee, don't take this too seriously." Another girl sighed.  
Akari didn't have to say it, but did anyway. "SEIZE HER! The power of Ryoga compels you to do evil-I mean good! Be gone evil spirits!"  
"I pity Ryoga." Cologne sighed. Akari glared at her and was about to scream 'Seize her', the old amazon scowled. "Try it missy and you'll find the power of my *stick* compelling *you* to take a nap."  
  
Meanwhile . . . on DA ISLANDS!!!!  
  
"It's brilliant!" Nodoka cried. "Simply masterful!"  
"Ho-ho-ha?" Soun frowned.  
"Behold!" Nodoka cried, throwing blueprints at Soun. "Because you foolishly flattened this area we can move the entire zoo except the panda exhibit then we take the whole panda exhibit back to Japan with us!"  
"You're drunk again, aren't you?" Soun asked. But he doubted it, she didn't look drunk-he was *hoping* she was drunk, *hoping* she wasn't serious about this.  
"I've already spent a great deal of your one million dollars arranging for transport of the buildings!" Nodoka enthused.  
"I . . . I think I'm going to cry!" Soun said.  
"It's all prepared!" Nodoka continued. "And everyone is willing to move the zoo!"  
"How did you convince them?"  
"You'd be surprised what a woman with a katana can do. Believe it or not I can be quite scary."  
"I believe it!" Soun scowled through bitter tears.  
"Not to mention holding the entire island hostage with a nuclear bomb."  
Soun just stared at this beautiful woman . . . from heck.  
"Now it is time to show my husband that he cannot-must not-can never forget me and where his loyalties lie!"  
"Didn't we have sex?" Soun asked.  
"We were drunk, that is an event we shall never speak of again!" Nodoka scowled. "Now come, we shall repeat it then never speak again of the second time."  
"We should remain focused on bringing Genma-and what is left of our money-back to Japan."  
"Yes! I agree! We can commit adultery later!"  
"Eh . . . yeah." Soun agreed half-heartedly.  
"I will show my disloyal husband!" Nodoka wailed.  
  
Meanwhile . . . at the zoo . . .  
"Yep, got a wife and son." Genma was saying to the zookeeper in one of his few moments of humanity. "Sure do love her, don't show much love for the boy but you get used to them after the first decade."  
"Yeah sure . . . I guess . . . I wouldn't know, I'm a high school drop out who took this job just to survive, I don't have kids and the only women I can get within two feet of are all environmentalists who want to know why I treat animals so badly, putting them in cages." The man said.  
"I sure do miss my darling Nodoka." Genma sighed, not regretting at all that he'd refused two female pandas, and a rather attractive environmentalist just on the memory of his loyal wife, whom-he was sure-wouldn't have ever betrayed him. Because if she did with some one like . . .noh let's just say . . . Soun, then Genma would probably have to remind Soun which of them was the better fighter . . . and maybe use Nodoka's katana to rip Soun a new one. Of course that was all hypothetical . . . or whatever that word was. He knew Soun and Nodoka would never do  
anything like that . . .   
"Look brah, you not even one panda, get outta 'ere bumbye we kick you out." Another zookeeper scowled.  
"We don't give free room and board." The first zookeeper added.   
Genma was thrown out of the zoo, heard something about a nuclear warhead on his way out.  
Well, he'd been thinking of leaving anyway, it was time to head home. He'd go see Soun and Nodoka in the morning. In fact, he decided to go visit them right now!  
  
It wasn't long before Genma reached the small hotel where his wife and friend had stayed. From inside the hotel room he heard their voices.  
"No!" Soun wailed.  
"Sex!" Nodoka demanded.  
"No!"  
"Sex!"  
"No!"  
"Sex!"  
"Huh?" Genma frowned as he opened the door to find Nodoka threatening Soun with a katana.  
"No!" He shouted.  
"Sex!" She shouted back. They both looked at him and immediately they said together:  
"No sex! We haven't had sex once since we came on this vacation!"  
"I was about to get a hooker!" Soun said, Genma believed him.  
"I was trying to stop him because it's immoral!" Nodoka said, considering the katana at Soun's throat, Genma believed her.  
"I've decided to come home!" Genma lied. "The zoo just doesn't cut it for me. And the panda girls were getting all needy and stuff." He was just kidding, Soun wretched and Nodoka looked like she might charge him with the katana. Lucky for him he knew how impotent she was with it.  
Also lucky, he wasn't interested in pushing things. "Well," he said, "let's go home!"  
"WAIT!" Nodoka cried. "We have a little problem . . . I paid the crews in advance . . . we've gotta move *something*, they wont give a refund and I plan to get my money's worth!"  
"You mean *my* money's worth!" Soun fell to his knees in tears.  
"How do you know they won't give refunds?" Genma was completely confused.  
"It's so simple!" Nodoka said suddenly. "I know what we'll use all those helicopters and stuff to move! The zoo is no longer an issue, but I have a wonderful idea!" She picked up the phone and started making calls. Genma shuddered, he had a bad feeling about this.  
  
"Well . . . we're here." Nabiki sighed. "I'd wish you luck, but that Mikado is such a stud, I may just sabotage your duel." Nabiki said with a smile that-she hoped-told Ryoga she was joking.   
"If it were up to me I wouldn't fight at all." Ryoga said, though with less conviction than he'd said it with yesterday. Nabiki wasn't sure if he was excited about the fight, or if he really wanted to keep her away from Mikado. She'd only been joking about sabotage, she wouldn't *really* do it . . . would she?  
"Oh don't worry Nabiki," Kasumi said. "Believe me, you won't want Ryoga to fail out there. Your well-being might depend on it."  
"What's that mean?" Nabiki demanded. Sure Mikado was a pervert, but Nabiki was confident in her ability to make sure their date remained just that.  
"You'll see." Kasumi said. They entered the skating rink to their surprise everyone cheered.  
"Here they are fight fans!" An announcer cried, "Nabiki Tendo and Ryoga Hibiki, five minutes early, let's start the match!"  
"Okay!" Nabiki breathed out a long sigh. "Here it is: Ryoga and Mikado, fighting for the love of a beautiful woman!"  
"Azusa is fighting for her Charlotte." Azusa piped in.  
It took the seventeen year old girl a moment to realize that Azusa was standing next to Mikado on the ice with a big blank smile on her cute but evil face. "Just what the heck are you doing here?" Nabiki demanded.  
"This is a Martial Arts Figure Skating Contest." Mikado said. "A Martial Arts Figure Skating *Pair* Contest."  
Nabiki frowned. She looked at Ryoga, then at Mikado. Through her devilish plan Ryoga wouldn't have to know how to skate, but to actually put this plan into effect she had to be on the sidelines . . . this was not good.  
She glared at a giggling Kasumi and knew her sister had known about this somehow.  
"It doesn't mater!" Nabiki scowled. "At least *I* know how to skate."  
"Does her knows how to fight?" Azusa squealed.  
"Kicked his butt." She said, pointing at Ranma.  
"Hey!" Ranma cried.  
"Balls actually." Akane clarified.  
"Hey!" Ranma cried.  
"Akane, don't use the word "balls" for that purpose!" Kasumi scolded.  
"Hey!" Ranma cried.  
"Shall we?" Mikado asked. Nabiki scowled.  
"I don't even have skates, I'm afraid Ryoga will have to go it alone." Nabiki said.  
"Nonsense, I packed your skates." Kasumi said to Nabiki, passing her the ice skates.  
"Kasumi . . . after this . . . we're going to have a long talk . . ." Nabiki said, trying to hold back her rage. After all, it simply would not do to have people knowing she hadn't been prepared for this.   
She and Ryoga stood in the middle of the rink facing Mikado and Azusa. Nabiki felt that Ryoga could probably handle them both, she'd stay off to the side and shout moral support.  
A big white robot came out of the ground, it had a red hand and a white hand.  
"Kolkhoz High School's Golden Pair vs . . . these other teenagers! Battle mode zero nine eight six, area scanned . . . battlefield set up! Ready . . ."  
"Looks like Cartoon Network is gonna sue somebody!" The announcer cried.   
"Is this guy for real?" Nabiki just had to ask.  
"FIGHT!" The white robot shouted, bringing it's hands together.   
  
To Be Continued . . .   
  
Next Chapter . . .  
"Crap! Akane Tendo? That whore!" Akari wailed. "She'd cream me!" Akari looked to her giant pig. "Katsunishiki! You can take her right?"  
The pig shuddered.  
"Not to worry, for I do have a possible counter to Akane Tendo. A warrior of superior skill who would join your organization temporarily."  
"Shampoo is part of RSFC!" Akari wailed, misunderstanding the old crone's offer.  
"Not Shampoo. Some one much worse." Cologne said, then cackled again. 


	18. Something Wacky This Way Comes!

Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 18  
Something Wacky This Way Comes!   
  
Nabiki's first order of business was to skate out of the way of Mikado's deadly attack. She flinched when it ended up hitting Ryoga instead. That'd leave a mark. An inch lower and Ryoga would be all but useless to her.  
The middle Tendo was seething with anger! Kasumi knew! Somehow she'd known this was going to happen! Worse Nabiki had been the one to set the duel up for today, if she'd known and had a little more time she could have at least tricked Akane into doing this for her or something.  
She watched from the sideline as Mikado and Azusa wiped the floors with Ryoga. It was sad, her pride in her lover-eh *servant's* fighting skills just went right down the drain. It didn't matter that he was fighting two experienced skaters and that he himself didn't really know how to skate, Nabiki still lost all the respect she had for him when Azusa sent him sprawling.   
"Are you just going to let her do that to you?" Nabiki shouted.  
Mikado skated over to Nabiki and said, "Nabiki Tendo, I'm very disappointed in you. A sweater? I was hoping for something I could unbutton."  
Nabiki tried to count to ten and calm down, but that little remark was to equivalent of some one throwing gasoline on the fire that was the rage of Nabiki Tendo. Nabiki shouted, and threw Mikado across the rink, he landed on his feet-or skates-of course, but the fact was Nabiki had just thrown a guy across the room!  
Hurrah!  
"Whoa!" The announcer cried. "How did that-that's amazing!"  
"She's *my* big sister." Akane said proudly.  
"Oh . . . well *that* explains it." The announcer said.  
"What's that supposed to mean!?" Akane demanded, Ranma was chuckling.  
  
Skating was like gliding, and Ryoga was gliding. Gliding very quickly . . . backwards. Azusa had kicked him and he was flying back now. He hit the edge of the rink and lunged forward to avoid being thrown out. It'd been a while, so he wasn't sure, but he'd bet there was a rule against falling out of the rink or something like that.  
He saw Nabiki toss Mikado, and foolishly he thought that maybe she was going to actually take part in this fight. Trusting in that he got to his feet and skated towards Azusa.  
His thinking was simple, he could get started, that part was easy. Stopping was his problem. But, he'd move towards Azusa and charge her. He couldn't stop of course but she'd stop him easily enough, or they'd both say hello to the wall. Normally Ryoga had reservations about hitting girls but Azusa was . . . Azusa.  
He didn't plan on Azusa sliding off to the side, or Mikado barreling into him to knock him onto his back.  
"And the Golden Pair do a wonderful Bait and Switch attack!"  
'There was no 'switch' involved! Mikado came out of nowhere!' Ryoga thought. He was filled with dread, expecting that stupid-and painful-goodbye whirl the two skating freaks had used on him and Ranma, but that didn't happen. Of course he should have realized that since he wasn't anywhere near Nabiki they wouldn't have used it. He struggled to get to his feet, and then stomped down with one foot then the other, planting himself firmly in the ice.  
Not the smartest thing to do. Mikado took Azusa and they spun around, he flung her towards Ryoga and he knew he had two options. One, he could stand there like an idiot and get hit. Two? He threw himself backward and let Azusa fly right past him.  
"And Hibiki avoids a Spinning Shiratori attack!"  
The crowd cheered. Ryoga felt great! They were cheering for him! Him! He got up and got ready to charge for Mikado . . . then fell face forward. Why had he shoved his skates into the ice again?  
"Ryoga!" Nabiki shouted. "You bone-headed dolt! What do you think you're-" Nabiki was skating towards him then suddenly fell over when Azusa skated out and tripped her.  
That made Ryoga really mad, seeing Nabiki suddenly tumbling. It also made him laugh. "Who is the bonehead now eh?" He grumbled. He lunged forward, skating towards Azusa and Mikado, when suddenly . . .  
"Here he comes to save the day!" Mousse shouted. "Don't worry Ryoga, Come have I to save you and reunite you with your long lost brother!"  
"Arf!" Mercedes barked in agreement.  
"Mousse!" Nabiki shouted.  
"Mousse?" Ryoga questioned.  
"Him so handsome! Him is Azusa's little Dominique!"  
"Madam I am not your Dominique!" Mousse said. Then he materialized a bucket and laughed maniacally. "Fear not Ryoga Hibiki, for I have come to save you!"  
"You said that!" Nabiki growled. She was still sprawled out on the ice. "Hey wait . . . no you don't! You wouldn't dare!"  
"I would and I shall!" Mousse assured her. Mercedes barked excitedly. Mousse threw the bucket at Ryoga. It struck him dead center between the eyes and when he opened his now crossed eyes everyone in the world-except him-was fifty feet taller. 'Eh . . . son of a-' Ryoga thought, then he was running across the ice.  
"Charlotte! Oh my little Charlotte! Come home with mommy Charlotte!"  
'Why wont you die?' Ryoga demanded of her in his own head.  
"Fetch!" Mousse shouted. Mercedes leapt into the rink and retrieved P-Chan. P-Chan glared wildly around the room. Nabiki was in the process of skating towards him while Mikado was flirting with Akane on the sidelines and of course Azusa! Azusa now saw Mercedes *and* Charlotte, how could she not chase after them both squealing like . . . well like a freak the whole time?  
  
"It is simple . . ." Nodoka was explaining to Genma and Soun. "We all love it here, no?"  
"No." Genma sighed.  
"So-so." Soun shrugged.  
"Then we simply buy the newly flattened land, we move the Tendo Training hall and the Tendo and Saotome homes here from Japan and buy all our children citizenship."  
"I don't think that is something you can buy . . ." Soun frowned.  
"Nonsense. Anyway I have it all worked out. Assuming there is some sort of rigorous testing and allegiance swaying involved in becoming a citizen of the United States of Hawaii-"  
"Not quite accurate, it is United States of America, dear." Genma interrupted.  
"We're not *in* America Genma darling." Nodoka rolled her eyes at her stupid husband. "Anyway assuming there is testing and actual work involved, I'm sure Nabiki would be intelligent enough to handle it, Kasumi is a grown woman anyway so she can live wherever she wants, and Akane would just have to marry Ranma to become a citizen."  
"What makes you think Ranma would be a citizen?" Soun asked.  
"Why wouldn't my son be able to become a citizen of this third world country?"  
"Again not quite accu . . . oh forget it." Genma sighed.  
"I do not think I want to live in America." Soun sighed.  
"Nonsense! Just think of the work! Genma, you could get a job at the Zoo, you would be paid for sitting around doing nothing!"  
"But without a TV . . ." Genma sighed.  
"And Soun, just think of all the Hawaiians who would want to learn the Tendo Martial Arts!"  
"I saw seventeen martial arts schools on the way to town and twelve others in the mall alone." Soun said lamely.  
Nodoka unsheathed her newly recovered katana. "They won't be a problem. We shall clean them out!" She said. She ran her finger across the blade to make a point. Instead she cut herself. "Ouch! Sharp!"  
"I suppose this is something we'd have to talk about with the kids . . ." Soun frowned.  
"They will be afraid of change, better to move the house while they are all asleep!"  
"I . . . do not like this idea . . ." Soun sighed.  
"You'll like it plenty when our houses are right next to each other on that flattened land you've come to love so much."  
"Perhaps."  
"You'll like it even more when you learn that whilst my husband Genma is away at work I would be cleaning the house in an apron and nothing else."  
"Hmm . . ." Soun looked to be deep in thought now. Nodoka felt that she'd won this argument.  
"I'm sitting right here." Genma said.  
"Yes darling, we see you." Nodoka assured her stupid husband.  
"We will have to talk this over with Kasumi at least." Soun said at last. "After all, she is quite intelligent, the way she always scams that Kuno boy into buying pictures of Akane working out."  
"No, you're thinking of Nabiki." Genma noted.  
"Huh? I think I know my own daughters." Soun scowled.  
"I feel for you Tendo, I really do." Genma shook his head. "But perhaps you should talk to all your children about this. It would affect them all." Genma started talking to Soun in hand sign language. The obviously forgot that Nodoka knew their little language.  
~~~  
Genma: She's fuggin nuts!  
Soun: What say we tie her up and swim for Japan?  
Genma: I'm with you brother!  
Soun: Is Nabiki really the one who scams Kuno?  
Genma: How can you confuse your daughters?  
Soun: After so many years they are all just so many pairs of off-limits breasts and mouths to feed! And talk about leeching, Akane is nineteen now and she won't leave home! She's been flirting with that fifty-year-old doctor for how many years?  
Genma: Akane is the sixteen-year-old! And if Tofu is probably early thirties.  
Soun: . . . eh? Wait then who's engaged to Ranma? And who is Tofu?  
Genma: Akane!  
Soun: Akane is Tofu?  
Genma: No! Tofu is the doctor your nineteen-year-old daughter-Kasumi-keeps flirting with, Akane is the daughter who is going to marry Ranma!  
Soun: But she's only sixteen!  
Genma: GAH! Look at Nodoka, she's catching onto us, we'll continue this discussion later . . .  
Soun: Viva la revolution!  
Genma: What the fug?  
~~~  
Nodoka tried not to show that she'd understood the conversation. "Yes, discuss this with Nabiki. She would give you a calm and well thought out answer." Nodoka shrugged. 'And more enterprising, she'd welcome the chance to move to a land of freedom filled with people who spend their money on extravagancies like sex, and drugs!'  
  
Ukyo charged into the skating rink. "Ranma-honey! Don't worry! I'm here to save you!"  
"Hmm? Well thanks Ukyo, but I'm just fine." Ranma shrugged.  
Ukyo frowned. What had she come here for? She couldn't remember. Oh yeah!  
"Blood!" She cried.  
"Eh?" Ranma frowned.  
"We need blood!" Konatsu said.  
"Why?" Akane asked.  
"We need sugar! There is sugar in blood!" Ukyo explained.  
"There is?" Ranma frowned.  
"Blood sugar! Hello Ranma, is anyone home?" Ukyo wailed, smacking Ranma back and forth.  
She looked around the rink and noticed a variety of strange things happening. For one, Mousse and a huge-simply enormous-German Shepherd were running around the rink with P-Chan while the girl with the bouncy hair who's name escaped Ukyo at the moment, was chasing them and giggling. Ukyo laughed wildly. "I know what to do! I know how we can get high!"  
"Eh . . . well ma'am I was all for sugar, but I draw the line at drugs." Konatsu said, suddenly sobered.  
"What? You stupid little man with your silly cute outfit that makes my loins burn!" Ukyo said, slapping Konatsu back and forth.  
"What are loins?" Akane asked.  
"I have no intention of doing drugs! I meant we should go to war with the RHFC!"  
"We're going to what?" Konatsu asked.  
"What is the RHFC?" Akane asked.  
"Silence!" Ukyo screamed. "Konatsu! Go and rally our troops! Tonight we attack!"  
"Hai!" Konatsu saluted and ran off. Or rather he bounced off, the sugar hadn't quite worn off yet.  
"What the heck is the RHFC?" Akane demanded.  
"None of your business RHFC-Sympathizer!" Ukyo screamed. "If you must know it stands for Ryoga Hibiki Fan Club and is headed by Akari Pig-Lover!"  
"Pig lover?" Ranma frowned.  
"I can't remember her last name!" Ukyo wailed. "For years . . . well actually for months . . . okay, for weeks the RSFC and RHFC have been mortal enemies and have waged terrible war on one another in the dead of night every night!"  
"Oh-ho. Do I dare ask what RSFC stands for?" Akane asked.  
"Come, Akane Tendo!" Ukyo proclaimed. "Come and let me teach you the ways of our most holy order, the RSFC!"  
  
Kasumi watched the duel progress with mild interest. It was obvious who would win. While Nabiki was just glaring at the competitors with nothing short of pure hatred, Azusa and Ryoga were busy, and Mikado was now flirting with a woman who bared a strange resemblance to Cologne . . . oh god! It *was* Cologne!  
Kasumi heard the judges talking about ending the duel in a tie, Nabiki would have to go out on a half date with Mikado, half of dinner, half a movie and they were now debating on just how far half of sex was, should the need arise.  
But Kasumi would have none of that. She walked over to the judges and said, "If Ryoga Hibiki leaves the rink he loses, yes?" Kasumi asked.  
"Yes."  
"He has clearly left the rink." Kasumi said.  
"Hmm?" The judge frowned. "But he was turned into that piglet."  
"Nonsense. You're eyes deceive you. See Ryoga's cloths piled up where the pig first appeared? In truth Ryoga very cleverly switched himself with the pig and is running around naked." Kasumi said. She paused to take in the pleasurable image . . .  
"I see . . . you are very correct, it is illogical for the pig to be Ryoga Hibiki. Very well . . . the winner is . . . The Golden Pair!"  
The crowd went nuts. So did Nabiki, Ranma had to cut his conversation with Ukyo short to rush out to the rink and hold Nabiki back from Kasumi.  
"Don't do it! Kill her and we'll be eating Akane's cooking tonight!"  
"Thanks to her I'll be eating dinner with Mikado tonight, I don't care who's cooking you eat! Let me go! Let me at her!" Nabiki was yelling.  
Kasumi just smiled blankly, happy that she could help. Help *herself* that is. Oh yeah, she was getting better at this whole evil, soulless wench thing. And soon she'd have Ryoga to prove it . . . provided she could figure out how to make point A, which was Ryoga, meet with point C which was Kasumi, bypassing point B which was Nabiki. Nabiki should be proud, not homicidal.  
And then she had to ask herself again, why she was bothering with Ryoga? After all, she liked older men, and they didn't get much older than Happosai . . . ooh what a tiny little stud that old man was . . . probably to old to be fertile, just think of the money Kasumi would save on birth control . . . "WHAT AM I THINKING?" Kasumi shrieked out loud.  
  
Later that afternoon Akari sat in the barn with Cologne.  
"How much is this information worth to you?" Cologne asked.  
"How much is your membership in RHFC worth to you?" Akari countered.  
"Not a great deal." Cologne shrugged. "I'm just trying to play the Good Samaritan."  
"The good what-the-who-with-what-the-fug?" Akari frowned.  
"I'm trying to be nice." Cologne sighed.  
"Okay, I'll give you five of my pigs as promised. You will give them good homes right?"  
"Mm? Oh yes. Don't worry about that . . . kee-hee-hee!" Cologne cackled.  
"Fine! What is your information?"  
"The RSFC is rallying their forces for an all out offensive on you, and they might have recruited Akane Tendo to their cause."  
"Crap! Akane Tendo? That whore!" Akari wailed. "She'd cream me!" Akari looked to her giant pig. "Katsunishiki! You can take her right?"  
The pig shuddered.  
"Not to worry, for I do have a possible counter to Akane Tendo. A warrior of superior skill who would join your organization temporarily."  
"Shampoo is part of RSFC!" Akari wailed, misunderstanding the old crone's offer.  
"Not Shampoo. Some one much worse." Cologne said, then cackled again. "But I'll need another three pigs."  
Akari winced. "Will I at least get to visit them?" She asked.  
"For the line of work they will be undertaking, that will be quite impossible." Cologne said. "But mind you, these pigs will make it possible for RHFC to overpower RSFC."  
"Yes! Alright I accept!" Akari said at last. "Who is this ringer you would loan me?"  
"Oh don't worry, I'll send for that one before the combat begins." Cologne said with a sinister smile.  
"Well, give my piggies a good home." Akari said. "I had no idea you liked Sumo pigs so much Miss. Cologne."  
"Heh. I certainly do." Cologne smiled.  
  
That night the rain . . . well it rained down. And the dark night . . . eh . . . well it was dark. And Shampoo walked home alone, holding her pink umbrella tightly. Usually Mousse walked with her, she was glad he didn't now, he'd only fawn over her, and slow her down. Besides, she was walking through a bad part of town, she'd hate to have to protect the duck boy.  
That's when it happened. She heard a strange sound, then dove to the side as a spear flew over her head. Shampoo was up in an instant, but before she could launch an attack the spear-thrower was standing just inches from her, face to face.  
"Oh . . . is only *you*." Shampoo sighed.  
  
To Be Continued . . .   
  
Next Chapter ...  
"Okay fine!" The amazon scowled. "Just makes my job easier."  
"What is your name rookie?" Mariko demanded.  
"I am The Great Amazonian Warrior Han Lo-Chun."  
"Hand Lotion, gotcha, I'll remember that." Mariko said.  
"Me too!" Akari said.  
"Me three!" Another girl said.  
"We'll all remember your name Hand Lotion!" Another girl said.  
"No no, my name is-"  
"Watch it! Here they come!" 


	19. The Battle of Three Armies!

Discalimer: I still don't own Ranma or Charlotte's Web. Liu Bei was the historical first emperor of Shu-Han dynasty, he is said to resemble a monkey, with large ears.  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 19  
The Battle of Three Armies!  
  
Mariko Konjo sat in quiet contemplation of . . . well what ever it is that cheerleaders contemplate if they actually do contemplate.  
Her servant (a monkey with very large ears and eyes like a frog with feet so large he could see them without having to look down) approached her, breaking her chain of thought.  
"What do you want Liu Bei?!" She demanded of the monkey who so resembled the man.  
"SCREE!" The monkey cried. It handed her a small scroll. She opened it, it was sealed by a sticker that read RHFC. A message from Akari Unryu.  
The message read: The RSFC will attack tonight, send five thousand armored cavaliers and your best generals.  
Mariko frowned. "I do not *have* five thousand members in my fan club . . . alas, if it is a chance to destroy the RSFC I shall have to do what I can." She stood up and glared at the monkey assistant. "Liu Bei! Fetch the members of TKFC and prepare them for battle!"  
  
Akane Tendo, Ukyo Kuonji and Konatsu . . . whatever his last name is, were all sitting in a circle laying out the battle plans.  
"Here, this slope on the far side of the pig farm, Konatsu can advance from here with ten thousand of our best fighters." Akane said.  
"Problem, we don't *have* ten thousand." Konatsu said.  
"What kind of army is this?" Akane demanded.  
"We're not an army, we're a fan club. We just get into turf wars."  
". . . oh-ho . . ." Akane frowned. "Well how many warriors-I mean members do we have?"  
"One hundred." Ukyo said proudly.  
"How many are there in RHFC?"  
"About twenty." Ukyo shrugged.  
"Yes! Then we still outnumber them!" Akane cried.  
"When general Shampoo arrives we may divide the numbers into four quarters and each of us lead an attack on the pig farm from a different direction." Ukyo offered.  
"Again-why are we doing this?" Konatsu said.  
"Because we can." Ukyo said.  
"What do we care if Ryoga has a fan club?" Konatsu whined.  
"What? Ryoga has a fan club?" Akane frowned.  
"That's what RHFC is, the Ryoga Hibiki Fan Club." Ukyo said.  
Akane paused for a moment . . . then said "We're going to kill a bunch of people just because they like Ryoga?"  
"No! No! We'd never kill them! We never ever kill anyone! We will severely maim, possibly injure, maybe hospitalize, probably even kill. They like Ryoga *more* than Ranma." Ukyo noted.  
"Until I found out he was a sick stalker posing as my pet pig *I* liked Ryoga more than Ranma." Akane sighed.  
"Sacrilege! SACRILEGE!" Ukyo cried, she waved her spatula in the air.  
"But eh . . . but I don't now. Screw Ryoga." Akane amended quickly.  
"Truly you are sent by heaven to help us tonight!" Ukyo said . . . I would like to say she calmed down, but she was actually more worked up now. "So fortunate am I to have met you today!" She cried.  
"Ukyo . . . you're starting to sound a little like Kuno . . . and we met a long time ago. Heck we raided a mental asylum not so long ago to break out . . . oh my god! Doctor Tofu!" Akane cried.  
  
"I've been sitting here expecting memories to teach me to see the horrors of the world-" Tofu sang.  
"Don't sing!" The orderly cried.  
"When the devil is too busy–"  
"I said DON'T SING!" the orderly warned.  
"Ah, Mr. Tofu, there is the matter of your bill to be discussed." The doctor said. "Now, you didn't pay the bill we gave you when you were discharged, and for some reason you've come back to us so soon and your bill is already doubled. We usually don't provide Pay To-View Television Programs and Fun-station Threes to our clients."  
"Me not sane yet! Not understand! No pay bill!" Tofu cried.  
"Bring him some meds . . ." The doctor sighed.  
"Morphine!" Tofu advised. "And those purple pills too!"  
"Right away sir." The nurse nodded.  
  
"You see it is very simple, many women want to date me, and many men want to date your little sister. That has me thinking that she and I should be together." Mikado explained.  
"Right. Um, hey unless you want me to show you the special technique I used to defeat Ranma Saotome, you'd better just stop talking about my little sister." Nabiki sighed.  
"Oh my apologies, you see I date so many women I sometimes forget that they don't like hearing about each other."  
"How could you?" Nabiki sighed.  
"Some of them enjoy knowing they are better than the others." Mikado said. "And you are much better than any woman I've ever dated."  
"That's good to know." Nabiki shrugged.  
"Can I have a kiss now?" Mikado asked.  
"Scum." Nabiki growled.  
"Later perhaps." Mikado sighed.  
"Get me some ice cream and I'll consider it." Nabiki scowled.  
"Truly?" Mikado raised an interested eyebrow.  
"Go! Get it now!" Nabiki snapped. She shook her head when he left, still wearing his skates, he somehow managed to glide over the restaurant floor without leaving and noticeable scratches. She shook her head when he got to the counter and shouted that he needed ice cream and that it was a matter of life and death because if he didn't get laid tonight it would surely mean his death.  
'This is going to be a long night!' Nabiki sighed.  
  
"So . . . where are we now?" Ranma asked.  
"An excellent question." Mousse said.  
"ARF!" Mercedes barked.   
"Yes, he says we're nearing Ryoga's house." Mousse translated.  
"This aint Ryoga's house!" Ranma cried.  
"Are you sure?" Ryoga asked. "It's been so long since I've seen it . . . no, you're right this isn't even close."  
"ARF!" Mercedes barked.  
"He says you just don't remember it." Mousse said.  
"Can ya really understand what he says?" Ranma asked.  
"Well actually it's more like watching his body language and understanding it." Mousse shrugged.  
"You . . . watch . . . understand . . . great! I'm lost in the middle of nowhere with a blind man, a wolf and a freak with no sense of direction!" Ranma cried.  
"Hey! I am not a freak without a sense of direction!" Mousse cried.  
"And I'm not a wolf!" Ryoga snapped.  
"Arf!" Mercedes growled.  
Ranma sighed and shook his head. It was going to be a long night! Then he thought 'What's that rumbling sound?'  
  
Mariko rolled up onto Akari's farm in a huge tank. "I am here comrade!" She cried. "With my best-and only-members!"  
"Excellent! With the TKFC fighting alongside the RHFC we cannot but win against the RSFC!" Akari cried.  
"Enough with the acronyms, my head is starting to hurt!" Cologne groaned. "Now off I go to send you your ringer and to start chopping up-er I mean . . . housing these pigs."  
"Goodbye!" Akari waved happily.  
"I have fifteen warriors." Mariko said. "Is this enough?"  
"I asked for five thousand!" Akari wailed. "How can we avenge the dishonor of our icons if Ranma Saotome's fan club is so much larger?"  
"But Ranma *is* really sexy." One girl from the TKFC noted. Akari took a paint-ball pistol and shot her in the chest.  
"Let that be a lesson to you! No one will call Ranma Saotome sexy while Mariko and I are around!"  
"Hey! Those paintball thingies hurt!" The girl cried, so Akari shot her again.  
  
Shampoo gripped her umbrella tightly to avoid the raindrops. "Why you throw spear at Shampoo?" She demanded.  
"I wanted to see if you'd catch it like an Amazon, or dodge to the side like a coward. Now I know."  
"You not throw good, Shampoo cannot catch even if she try. Since when you use spear?" Shampoo demanded.  
"Since when do you speak like a child?"  
"You make slight Shampoo?"  
"I never make any sort of shampoo. Oh, you mean you? Yes I make slight of you every chance I get."  
"Remember who won last time we fight!" Shampoo scowled.  
"Bah! We were three years old!"  
"Mousse say same thing! Shampoo still win!" Shampoo said proudly.  
"Not this time! I'll rip you to pieces!" Shampoo's dark assailant lunged forward, Shampoo extended her leg to meet her attacker's face, she knocked her attacker back, but the movement caused droplets of rain to strike her bare ankle and soon she was a cat looking up at a very angry attacker.  
"Halt!" Cried great grandmother. "Enough! You may call this one a draw. For now, Shampoo your silly little RSFC is organizing for an attack on the pig loving girl's farm."  
"Meow! Yow Eyow!" 'It's not silly to gather with one hundred other hormone driven girls to sing praises to Ranma and then order pizza and watch romance movies!'  
"Shampoo turns into a cat?" her attacker chuckled in disbelief.  
"And you, I have already sold your services to the pig loving girl. Use this map to get to her place." Cologne said.  
"How did you know I was here, elder?"  
"I know everything! You are to take part in this battle opposite the side Shampoo is on, but you will resist your urges to fight Shampoo and you will instead attack the one called Akane Tendo and then the one Ukyo Kuonji each in turn and destroy them both." Cologne said.  
"Why?"  
"Let's just say that it is highly beneficial that Shampoo be the only of these three still drawing breath. And because I have so ordered. And because you want some of the pork ramen I'll be forcing Mousse to make in large batches when I figure out where he is."  
"I thought you knew everything elder!" The attacker scowled.  
"Silence!" Cologne scowled back, and these two got into a scowling contest. Then the small living mummy whacked the mysterious one on the head with her walking stick. "Go, and don't get attacked by any trees."  
"Me-ow!" Shampoo giggled in cat-talk.  
The attacker disappeared into the wet night, and Cologne walked over to the spear that had been thrown at Shampoo. "A walking stick eh? Well I'll have to hold onto this . . . never know when a pop-top spear might come in handy . . ." She had no idea how soon . . .  
  
Ah Cologne always seems to come out on top of every situation. Much like Nabiki . . . except Nabiki really wasn't on top of her current situation at all. In fact she was sort of confused.  
Mikado had more or less proven to be an inexhaustible supply of money, he'd bought her everything she'd ordered him too and really wasn't all that bad looking, heck, she'd admit it, he was a total babe. Why then did she have a supreme desire to destroy him? Or rather to order Ryoga-if that dog hadn't eaten him-to do it.  
"Can we have sex yet?" Mikado asked.  
'Oh yes, that's why.' Nabiki remembered now.  
"So, shall we do it now, or wait until we get to my place?" Mikado asked.  
"Wont we wake your mother?" Nabiki scowled.  
"Oh I don't live with my parents anymore." Mikado chuckled.  
"How old are you?" Nabiki arched an eyebrow.  
"Oh . . . right well I do live with my parents, I just didn't want that to lower your opinion of me."  
Mikado said with an apologetic smile.  
"Oh Mickey, don't be silly!" Nabiki said with a smile, "How much lower could it possibly get?"  
"Does that mean you will have sex with me?"  
"How many times are you going to ask?" Nabiki demanded.  
"How many times will you say 'no'?"  
"A million." Nabiki shrugged.  
"Then I will ask one million and one times." Mikado nodded.  
"Wow . . . you really want to do me huh?" Nabiki sighed. "Well I'm really quite flattered but you see I am not the sort of girl to just "do it" after one date. We shall have to see each other again. Possibly on a weekly basis." Nabiki said.   
"I see . . . but eventually we will get to have sex correct?" Mikado asked.  
"Sure." Nabiki shrugged. "If you can keep me nice and happy on all of our dates."  
"What if I just got you very drunk?"  
"That would work too." Nabiki nodded.  
"Then off we go to find a bar!" Mikado announced.  
"But you'd have to ask yourself: Is Nabiki Tendo the sort of girl to go out drinking, get drunk then have sex with some guy wearing ice skates outside of an ice skating rink?"  
"I do not usually wear them, but your sister didn't really give me time to change shoes." Mikado said with a frown.  
"Yes . . . yes she has been rather annoying lately . . . I wonder why she keeps messing with me . . ." Nabiki said thoughtfully.  
  
At just that moment Kasumi suddenly remembered why she was trying to outsmart Nabiki!  
"Oh yeah! I wanted to get Ryoga kidnapped by Azusa, then the walls were destroyed so I had to swindle Nabiki and everyone else I could for mon-OH NO!" She cried. "I was supposed to be making money to finance the rebuilding of the hole in our wall! Instead I got into scheming without thoughts of money!" The phone rang, Kasumi answered it. "Father? Oh father I'm such a failure!"  
"What? What! Who says you're a failure?"  
"I tried to make money to rebuild the hole in the wall, but I just cant scam people like Nabiki! And then I started trying to scam Nabiki because I forgot why I was scamming people!"  
"What? What the heck are you talking about? Hole in the wall? Nabiki is being scammed? By who? Is scam some sort of drug? Is your sister taking drugs!?"  
"And now I'm going to have to sell Akane into slavery to make the money I need!"  
"WHAT! Kasumi don't do anything until I come home! I'm coming home right now!" Soun cried over the phone.  
"Did you enjoy your vacation?" Kasumi asked.  
"No! These past three days have been hell!"  
"It's only been three days?" Kasumi gasped.  
"Eh . . . what?" Soun sounded confused.  
"Oh my . . . if feels like it's been weeks since you left!" Kasumi cried.  
"Well . . . maybe it has been . . ."  
"Lets see now, how long ago was it that Ranma dropped the soap and was anally raped by a dozen prison inmates?" Kasumi tried to do some mental math.  
"I mean I've been drunk most of the time, sleeping with your auntie Nodoka the rest of the time . . . excuse me what did you just say about Ranma dropping the soap?"  
"And when was it that I started to suspect Nabiki and Ryoga were sleeping together?" Kasumi became lost in deep thought.  
"Nabiki and Ryoga are WHAT!!!!"  
"Oh my, has it really been just three days since all of our most prized possessions were stolen when we left Mousse to guard the house because of the giant hole in the wall?" Kasumi cried. "So much has happened!"  
"My god! I'm coming home RIGHT NOW!" Soun screamed.  
"Okay! Bye father, I love you!" Kasumi said with a smile that she was sure her father-though he couldn't see it-would sense.  
  
They were all arrayed in the dugouts, thirty five brave young women with banners that could not be seen in the night light. Banners that read "Ryoga Hibiki is the Greatest Lover in History!" or "Tatewaki Kuno Can Sex Me Up!" Eventually the extra two girls, Akari and Mariko decided to set up bonfires to illuminate the oh so cleverly thought out banners.  
  
Meanwhile the RSFC was closing in on the pig farm from four different directions. In groups of twenty five with their commanders, Akane, Ukyo, Konatsu and Shampoo leading. They had banners that read things such as "Ranma Saotome Is Da Bomb!" and "Ranma Rocks My World!" one girl held up a sign that said "I'm having Ranma Saotome's Baby!" underneath in microscopic parenthesis was "(someday)"  
The dark form ignored these and went straight on to the pig girl's camp. There Akari greeted her guest with great kindness. "HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! You just popped out of nowhere!"  
"It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I am the great Amazonian warrior-"  
"Are you the one sent by Cologne to help me fight Akane Tendo?"  
The warrior sighed. "Yes. I am The Great Amazonian Warrior, H-"  
"Get in the dug out! Some one give this woman a rifle!"  
"A rifle?"  
"Yeah! What did you think we were going to use?"  
The amazon produced an assortment of daggers and knives from out of nowhere.  
"My god you are old fashioned! No! We use the guns!"  
"Okay fine!" The amazon scowled. "Just makes my job easier."  
"What is your name rookie?" Mariko demanded.  
"I am The Great Amazonian Warrior Han Lo-Chun."  
"Hand Lotion, gotcha, I'll remember that." Mariko said.  
"Me too!" Akari said.  
"Me three!" Another girl said.  
"We'll all remember your name Hand Lotion!" Another girl said.  
"No no, my name is-"  
"Watch it! Here they come!"  
  
Ryoga, Ranma, Mousse and Mercedes were all sitting together falling asleep under the night sky completely lost. They didn't have the things needed to make a fire, didn't even have Ryoga's gear since his pack was back at the Tendo place.  
And of course-though they didn't know it-about one hundred and forty insane fan girls and their generals were about to wage terrible mortal combat all around them.  
But if Ranma had known this he'd no doubt be bragging about his fan club being larger than the other two combined and about Mousse not having a fan club at all. Little would he know that the five hundred members of MFC were only not attending because such matters were ridiculous and beneath them.  
Ryoga leaned back on Mercedes' soft fur, the dog was quite a comfortable pillow, all three boys were using him as such.  
Until Ranma got up and pulled a tick out of his hair.  
Then all three boys-Mousse in particular with his long flowing mane-were preening themselves like sissy girls.  
The gigantic dog just sort of smiled in that way that dogs smile and laughed in that way that dogs laugh.  
'Use me as a pillow eh? That'll learn ya!' was most likely what was going through his mind.  
Ryoga pulled two fat ticks out of his hair but other than that was fine. He made sure both still had their heads, then smashed them to dust.  
Then he heard it. The tromp-tromp of marching boots. Then he saw them, advancing over the hills . . . wait, had there been hills a minute ago? Anyway he saw them, the northern column of RSFC led by Akane!  
He didn't know it of course, he just thought Akane had led a search party for them. He, Ranma, Mousse and Mercedes ran up to her. "Akane!" He cried. "Akane! You've found us!"  
Akane blinked a couple times, Ryoga noted that she was dressed in a gray jump suit with a machine gun strapped and slung over her shoulder. He frowned. She frowned.  
"Wow Akane . . . I like yer banners." Ranma said. "Ranma Saotome = Sex Machine . . . It's so true." Ranma smiled.  
"Is that *the* Ranma Saotome!?" One girl cried. "Oh master Ranma, we're the RSFC! Ranma Saotome Fan Club!"  
"Wow Akane! Yer part of my fan club?" Ranma asked with a snide smile.  
"Don't be fooled!" Akane cried suddenly. "He's not Ranma! It's dark so you can't tell but it's a trick! See how he's with Ryoga Hibiki our sworn enemy? Kill them!" Akane cried.  
"What? I'm your what?" Ryoga cried but all three boys and dog were already running for dear life, Ryoga running the wrong way until Ranma in an unexpected bout of fellowship turned back, grabbed Ryoga and pulled him in the right direction.  
Akane and her goons were already firing their rifles, and machine guns. Ryoga felt a sharp sting, then another! He was hit! "Gah! I'm hit! It's all going black!" He cried.  
When the four had made it far enough away Ryoga threw himself on the ground. "Leave me friends! I die . . . with no . . . regrets . . . eh . . ."  
Ranma inspected Ryoga's wounds and scowled. "It's just a cap. Those freaks are shoot'in us with paint balls!"  
"Wow . . . those paint ball thingies hurt!" Ryoga said, getting up as if he hadn't just put on that dramatic show.  
The three shared a laugh, they didn't notice Mercedes bolt off to the west.  
From the east came Ukyo and her brigade. The three friends . . . rivals . . . whatever . . . all looked in horror at Ukyo and her twenty five soldiers marching on them guns leveled, Ukyo leading with her war spatula ready to strike. Mousse was the only one not scared but that was just because he couldn't see any of it. But he could see Ranma and Ryoga's faces, so when Ranma shouted that it was time to run he more or less got the idea.  
So again the three ran, but this time Mercedes charged them and slammed into the three of them bowling them over. There was a sound of chain gun fire the three got to their feet and followed the dog, Mousse luckily didn't hear Shampoo shout "Is evil dog of pig-girl's army! Kill!" or he'd probably have committed suicide and gone to fawn over Shampoo.  
Ryoga, Ranma and Mousse all ran for dear life until they fell into a big ditch. Then Akari popped out of nowhere! "Ryoga!" She cried. "It is a sign from god! With you here we cannot lose!"  
"What in the name of Roy is going on!?" Ranma cried.  
"ECK! Ranma Saotome! You dare defile this holy moment with your filthy presence?" Akari cried.  
"EEK! Ranma Saotome? She'll ruin every . . . you're not Ranma!" Mariko cried.  
"Yes I am!" Ranma cried.  
"Oh that's right, the whole sex changing thing-gotcha." Mariko nodded. "Regardless, is Master Kuno with you?"  
"Master? Oh god this is an SNM club isn't it!?" Ryoga cried.  
"No! No we're your fan club Ryoga!" Akari said. "We've dedicated ourselves to your worship!"  
"Oh . . . that's a little odd . . ." Ryoga looked around the dugout at the many women now gazing at him lovingly. All were dressed in khaki jump suits and each held a rifle . . . it was a strange cult but he liked it already. "Then get ready for battle! Let's show the RSFC that we're better!"  
"Oh gawd! He's given in!" Ranma cried.  
"You are just upset because your own fans think you're a pretender." Mousse noted.  
"Aww shaddap! I don't see yer fan club charging over that hill!" Ranma cried.  
"Speaking of charge . . ." Mariko noted as Konatsu's twenty five rushed towards them.  
"Ready!? FIRE!" Akari screamed.   
There was the sound of about three dozen paintball guns going off, then the splat of several of them hitting their targets. Then from far off Ryoga was almost certain he heard Konatsu cry out "OUCH! Those paint ball thingies hurt!"  
"Forward!" Came Ukyo's shout, followed by shouts from every other direction. The RHFC and TKFC were completely encircled!  
"We're surrounded!" Ryoga cried. He looked around at the assembled teenage girls and then stood up, one hand on his chest, he wished he had a button-up shirt so he could do that cool Napoleon thing. He said to his disciples "As we stand on the eve of our destruction remember that to die in the name of Ryoga Hibiki is to die for justice! Don't fire until you see the white of their eyes, and spare no one!" He shouted, then threw his fist into the air in a salute that was returned by everyone-Ranma too, though Ryoga was sure it was with some sort of snide intent.  
Ranma groaned and rolled his eyes, even Mercedes shook his head as if he understood the whole situation and was ashamed of the company he kept.  
  
Nabiki groaned when Mikado handed her another strawberry. "Go on! Eat it!"  
"Do guys really find this sort of thing sexy?"  
"When it's done right." Mikado said.  
"Well I'm not doing it right and I don't plan to." Nabiki told him.  
"Yes I know. Now eat it, please!"  
Nabiki glared at him. "I bet I'm allergic to these!" She growled.  
"Aha, middle Tendo . . ." Cologne appeared out of nowhere.   
Nabiki didn't let out the groan she felt in her throat at seeing the living mummy. "Hello old gal. What can I help you with?" She tried to sound casual, of course she was a master at that.   
"I have been searching for you. When you were not in the bedroom of Mikado I believed you'd gone home, and when you were not there I systematically checked every ice-cream parlor in town and when you were not at any of those places I-"  
"The first place you looked for me was Mikado's bedroom!?" Nabiki snapped.  
"It is the first place *I* would look for a girl dating me." Mikado said. Nabiki glared at him, he winked at Cologne. "How are *you* doing beautiful?" He asked.  
"Oh stop it, you make me feel ninety again!" Cologne said with mock enthusiasm  
"Why are you looking for me? Need something?" Nabiki sighed.  
"Well actually I thought you might want to know that an enormous battle is about to take place at the farm of . . . what's her face . . . Akari. Yes, she's leading the forces of RHFC against your sister and Ukyo's RSFC."  
"What against my sister's who?"  
"Ryoga Hibiki Fan Club against Ranma Saotome Fan Club."  
"Oh my god!" Nabiki buried her face in her hands. "I would cry but there aren't enough tears!"  
"You will go then?" Cologne asked.  
"What? Why would I do that?" Nabiki scowled.  
"Why . . . to claim ownership of the RHFC of course. After all you are Ryoga's girlfriend are you not?"  
"Well . . . sort of . . . yes but no." Nabiki shrugged. She thought for a moment. "Let's humor your idea and say I am his girlfriend, heck lets go nuts and say I even slept with him once or twice-(Mikado became very interested in the conversation)-does that mean I have to take command of his fan club? I don't really care about his fan club."  
"Ah . . . then I have erred in telling you of this, I thought you would be interested."  
"Why is Akane going to war with them anyway?" Nabiki asked.  
"Ukyo was hyped up on sugar and she-being the head of the organization-decided to wage war on the smaller organization and convinced your sister to fight for their side, being Ranma Saotome's fiancee your sister was instantly promoted to general . . . alas Akane could not refuse the chance to boss people around and wield a large gun.  
"Oh yeah . . . that's Akane . . ." Nabiki said sarcastically. Akane usually preferred martial arts, but then again anything unladylike and you'd probably see Akane signing up for it. What surprised Nabiki was that Akane had chosen to join Ranma's fan club. She'd have thought her sister would join Ryoga's just to spite Ranma.  
Nabiki's hand idly wondered to the bandanna she wore as a scarf and she sighed. "I don't need to go lead Ryoga's silly fan club, after all I more or less *own* Ryoga himself." She shrugged.  
"Did I mention that Ryoga is there? He's going to be taking part in the huge drunken orgy that comes after the meeting is over." Cologne offered. Nabiki was up and out the door headed for Akari's farm in the blink of an eye. Then she came back, asked for directions then she was-again-up and out the door headed for Akari's farm in the blink of an eye.  
  
Cologne shook her head. "I lied about that. I just wanted her to go so Han Lo-Chun could destroy her too . . ."  
"But she's so pretty . . . why kill her?" Mikado sighed. "I've not slept with her yet!"  
Cologne cocked an eyebrow at him. "Well for one I don't like the competition she gives me, oh sure we've never outright contended with each other, and if we did I'd probably win, but in fifty years who knows how intelligent she'll be? Second I just think it'd be really fun to see what happens to Akari when Nabiki shows up, her being Ryoga's girlfriend and all-the RHFC would see her as some sort of a god-thing and Akari would be knocked down to vice-president-if she's lucky-so fast it'd make her head spin!"  
"Oh-ho . . ." Mikado got up. "It is not in me to end a date without getting laid. Would you like to come home with me oh beautiful one?"  
"Uh . . . you're very sweet young man but . . . my heart belongs to another."  
"Really? What a shame! Who might he be?" Mikado asked. "That I might know the name of the man superior to Mikado Sanzinen . . ."  
"Eh . . . Happosai." Cologne said, just drawing a name out of thin air, she could have just as easily said Mousse, Ryoga, Ranma, or even Tofu.  
But just her luck she said Happi. And just her luck the little panty thief was hopping by the restaurant at just that moment and heard her.  
"Yippee! Cologne you old vixen! I knew you had a thing for me!"  
"Oh why don't you just die!?" Cologne cried.  
"I'm the very image of health!" Happi cried.  
"That didn't even make sense!" Cologne scowled.  
"Let's not fight! Let's make sweet love!" Happi said with a smile. Cologne whacked him with her stick, then took out the walking stick-spear that she'd found just that night and went after the little lecher with abandon.  
"Be very very quiet!" She said to Mikado as she left. "I'm hunting Happi!"  
"Eh . . . o-kay." Mikado shrugged.  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
"Quiet, you're better seen, not heard." Nabiki said, patting Ryoga on the shoulder. Suddenly all the girls were going wild. "Okay, tell me what's going on or I'll make Ryoga kick all your butts!"  
Nabiki announced.  
Ryoga was about to mention that he really couldn't fight a girl unless that girl was Ranma Saotome or Azusa Shiratori, but Akari spoke first.  
"You're wearing his bandanna around your neck, you're bossing him around, you live together. You are the "chosen one" who was prophesied to come one day and lead us all to glory! You are the wife of our lord Ryoga!"  
"Oh god!" Nabiki groaned.  
"Exactly." Akari nodded. 


	20. The Feared Assassin, Hand Lotion!

Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 20  
The Feared Assassin Hand Lotion!  
  
The gunfire was deafening, the roar of the bombs was so loud that the officer's orders couldn't be heard by their troops, people were going nuts!  
But it was a really boring show, so Genma decided to change the channel. Then Soun barged in ranting about Nabiki being pregnant and Kasumi pimping Akane out on the streets.  
"We must go home!" Soun cried.  
"Yeah, we've decided on that already. But since we missed yet another plane we're taking a pleasure cruise tomorrow, in a week we should be in Japan."  
"A week? That's too long!" Soun cried.  
"Hey, this is the fastest cruise we could find." Nodoka said coming out of the hotel shower wearing a hotel bathrobe that she'd stolen from the last hotel they'd been in. She'd actually gone back to the hotel, stolen the robe and come back to their current hotel because she hated the color of the mauve robes but preferred their room service over the other hotels. She'd also stolen a goodly supply of the robes to be sold on the black robe market back in Japan.  
Genma had confronted her on this saying, "That's not right, you're stealing!"  
She'd shook her head and said "Nonsense! I'm giving back to the community and feeding economically weak Japan off the fat of economically strong America."  
"Eh . . . okay . . . but I don't think Japan is economically weak in the least." Genma had conceded.  
And Nodoka had replied "That is because you are a true patriot my husband."  
"SAOTOME!" Soun shouted. Genma snapped out of his daze. "Stop reminiscing about bath robes and pay attention!"  
"I'm sorry Tendo . . ."  
"I just called Kasumi and she said that the house burned down, everything has been stolen, she's sold Akane, and Nabiki is having Ryoga's baby!"  
"Wow . . . good for her. Ryoga is a very manly-" Nodoka began to try to console Soun but he'd have none of that.  
"Manly nothing! When I catch him he'll be a woman!"  
"Oh . . . well that wouldn't be manly at all." Nodoka shook her head. "Are you sure everything is as bad as you just said it was?"  
"Soun was pacing back and forth sobbing. "My home! My children! Would I make this up?"  
"Well no, but you have a tendency to overreact, and let us not forget that if the house had burned down you couldn't have called Kasumi and she couldn't have answered unless she was in the house while it was burning." Nodoka said. It made perfect sense to Genma, Soun had misunderstood, and perhaps they should call Kasumi again.  
But Soun . . .  
"KASUMI IS ON FIRE! AAAHHHHHH!" He screamed and ran around the room until Nodoka whacked him with the hilt of her katana and laid him out on the ground fast asleep.  
"Ahh . . . look at him, so peaceful when he's asleep, like a little drunken mustachioed dog." Genma sighed.  
"Umm-hmm . . . should we call Kasumi?" Nodoka asked.  
"Why?" Genma sighed. "She's probably burned to death by now."  
Nodoka lunged forward hilt first and everything went black.  
  
Meanwhile the pip-pop of the paint ball gunfire wasn't all that deafening, but the girls were really going at it. Ryoga was really quite surprised, they must have practiced this a lot.  
Wave after wave of RSFC came on and each time they were sent back by determined RHFC defenders.  
Ryoga had eventually grown quite bored with the whole thing. No wonder these girls were in his fan club, they were just like him. They had no sense of direction, except he had none when he tried to go some place, they had no sense of direction when it came to life. What part of staying up all night having a perpetual paint ball war did they think was going to help them later in life? At least they were wearing goggles, some one could lose an eye.  
Ryoga felt something hit his shoulder, he shrugged it off but MAN did those paint ball thingies hurt! Was all his training for nothing? Was the mighty Ryoga to be brought down by a paint ball?  
Yes. Yes he was.  
"Ryoga call off yer nutso fans!" Ranma scowled.  
"Hah! Your fan club is the one invading! You call them off!" Ryoga scowled back.  
"I will call off my fan club if some one would just point them out to me." Mousse said, his glasses had been covered in paint but he insisted he could still see-not that he was wearing them now-anyway.  
"You don't have one!" Ranma scowled.  
"Impossible!" Mousse cried. "Why do you two have fan clubs?"  
"I'm not entirely sure." Ryoga said. "But it feels so good to know some one cares. Ironically I haven't ever met any of these girls-besides Akari-before in my life."  
"That's what's called a stalker." Ranma said. "Ouch!" He got shot by two girls from the RHFC line. "Darn it I want to go home! I'm cold, tired and-"  
"Look out!" Some one shouted. "It's Akane Tendo!"  
Ranma dove behind Ryoga, Ryoga dove behind Mousse and Ranma dove behind Ryoga again.  
From over Mousse's shoulder Ryoga looked up and saw Akane looking into the dugout with two paint ball machine guns in her hands.  
"I WIN!" She screamed and blew the crap out of all the girls in the dug out.  
"Aww spoil sport!" One girl scowled.  
"Those paint ball thingies hurt you know!" Another one scolded.  
"Okay fine, I guess the RSFC wins tonight." Akari granted grudgingly.  
"RSFC nothing! I-Akane Tendo have won! It was me! I won all by myself!" Akane proclaimed.  
But then Akane saw Ranma and leveled her gun on him. Thinking quick Ryoga took a gun from Akari and shot Akane in the chest. She fell backwards and groaned, suddenly the war was back on, but not before Akane learned what everyone else already knew so well. "AAIIEEEE! Those paint ball thingies hurt!"  
"Ryoga! You saved Ranma's life!" Akari squealed. "I love you so much! You're so brave!"  
"He just shot Akane with a paint ball gun!" Ranma scowled. "I'da dodged the shot no problem."  
"It's the thought that counts Ranma Saotome." Mousse said, patting Mariko on the back. "Good job Ryoga Hibiki!"  
"I'm not Ryoga!" Mariko yelped.  
"Oh . . ." Mousse looked closer. "Sorry Mr. Tendo, I did not recognize you."  
"Mister who?" Mariko whimpered.  
  
Nabiki crept stealthily through the dark night, she knew she was nearing the battle that Akari's father-or whoever the scandalously older man she lived with was-had told her was raging in the name of RHFC. And it'd only taken her all freaking night to find Akari's farm. Either Ryoga was rubbing off on her *too much* or Cologne's instructions sucked.   
There was the sound of gunfire, and the screams of combatants. Really she dreaded what she was about to see. She also didn't see how an orgy could be any part of this, maybe Cologne had just lied to her, she couldn't think of a specific reason why the old wench would do such a thing, but then again she couldn't think of a reason the old wench *wouldn't* do such a thing.  
Of course she wouldn't take that chance. Ryoga was not just her slave, he was . . . she didn't really want to give it a name, nor-she felt-could she if she tried. He wasn't a boyfriend, she'd slept with him, she hoped to do so again eventually and she certainly enjoyed his company but "boyfriend" wasn't a word that fit some one like Ryoga. She'd considered "Occasional Provider of Dalliance" but that didn't sound quite right. Still, whatever he was, he was hers and she didn't want to share.  
Certainly not with a bunch of fan girls who might *pay* for what Cologne suggested they would end up getting for free tonight. Really Nabiki felt if there really was an RHFC she could do nothing but gain from it. Who said a woman couldn't be a pimp? It'd worked with Ranma after all.  
Her mind was filled with thoughts like this, but when she finally reached the battlefield she reconsidered the journey. First of all it was obvious that neither Ryoga nor any of the-it looked like-hundreds of girls down there would be partaking in anything even resembling an orgy, killing frenzy maybe, but nothing involving removal of clothing. Furthermore she was suddenly thinking "practically" for the first time in weeks.  
Ryoga was a tool. A way to make money. She'd known this when she first decided to make him her plaything. Yet how much money had he made her? Things had worked out great at first, she'd made money off the bets, scammed him into a deeper debt-a debt that, as she thought about it he'd likely never pay-but he'd also cost her money. The time she'd spent training him for that show she could have spent making her usual rounds, scamming Kuno, getting blackmail information, that sort of thing. But instead it was all but wasted thanks to Ranma, not only did they not win, but Akane found out about Ryoga being P-Chan! At the time tormenting Ranma had seemed like a  
good way to get payback, now she mostly blamed herself.  
Teaching Ryoga how to skate had not only been a waste of an afternoon, but the poor dolt hadn't even managed to learn. Why was she wasting time with this kid? She sat down and scowled. She'd just walked away from a perfect date, true the idiot wouldn't stop talking about sex, but he'd been a bottomless well of money, he'd been willing to spend anything to impress her. Instead she'd ran off to tare Ryoga away from some hussies.  
Why did she care if Ryoga got laid by some one else? Why had the mere thought of Ryoga with another girl boiled her blood and caused her to act against her nature and actually come out to this stupid smelly farm to retrieve her servant?  
She'd have to think about this . . . but first she decided she'd have to get her servant back from Akari.  
  
Ryoga was falling asleep, so were most of the girls it seemed. The fighting had increased in intensity for a moment, now it was reclining and people were preparing to leave. Ryoga was trying to decide weather to stoop to the level of asking Ranma to help him find his way back to the Tendo place, or simply not and then going off on an adventure. The question was answered for him when Nabiki walked over and slapped him hard across the face.  
"Hey you! What do you think you're doing out here?" She demanded.  
"Trying not to get shot?" Ryoga offered.  
"We got lost." Ranma interjected.  
Nabiki gave Ranma a weird look. "I can understand *him* getting lost," She said, pointing to  
Ryoga, "but how the heck did *you* get lost?"  
"I followed him." Ranma shrugged.  
"That just shows how foolish you are." Nabiki scowled.  
"How did you know I was here?" Ryoga asked.  
"Cologne told me." Nabiki said. "I'm not going to bother to tell you what she said you'd be doing here since it's obvious she was lying, but let me warn you if she wasn't and I find out you're dead!" She said.  
It was about this time that Ryoga noticed everyone was staring at them. He expected his fans to leap at the blasphemer he loved and rip her to shreds, but they did quite the opposite. Instead they bowed and chanted.  
"My god, what are they doing?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Praising you." Akari scowled.  
"Make them stop!" Nabiki whimpered, she lunged forward and threw her arms around Ryoga's waist. That just drove the girls nuts they started acting as if they were looking upon god! "Ryoga your little fans scare me, let's go home already." Nabiki whispered.  
A gasp went through the crowd.  
"You . . . live with Ryoga?" Akari stammered.  
"What? No! He lives with me!" Nabiki said.  
"Temporarily." Ryoga noted.  
"Quiet, you're better seen, not heard." Nabiki said, patting Ryoga on the shoulder. Suddenly all the girls were going wild. "Okay, tell me what's going on or I'll make Ryoga kick all your butts!" Nabiki announced.  
Ryoga was about to mention that he really couldn't fight a girl unless that girl was Ranma Saotome or Azusa Shiratori, but Akari spoke first.  
"You're wearing his bandanna around your neck, you're bossing him around, you live together. You are the "chosen one" who was prophesied to come one day and lead us all to glory! You are the wife of our lord Ryoga!"  
"Oh god!" Nabiki groaned.  
"Exactly." Akari nodded.  
"You have prophecies about me?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Yes, and scrolls. See?" Akari asked, handing Nabiki a little note pad with fancy writing. "Lets see . . . the fifteen commandments . . . Ryoga Hibiki Fan Club code of honor . . . oh here it is . . . one day a savior will come . . . yada yada . . . hey, this picture looks like you Akari!"  
"Well it was just one artists' conception." Akari said. "But *you* Nabiki Tendo, are Ryoga's wife, and thus our leader!"  
"I'm going to kill Cologne, she must have known this would happen." Nabiki scowled.  
"Wife?" Ryoga yelped.  
"You two do act like a married couple." Ranma noted. "What with her practically owning you-"  
"Technically, not practically." Nabiki and Ryoga said with one voice.  
"Yeah, well with her owning you, the whole bossing you around, not to mention how you'realways together, and then there's the sex-"  
"We never-" Ryoga tried, then realized he would be lying but decided to try and say it anyway since he was in the middle of it, but then Akari cut him off.  
"They've had sex?" Akari wailed. She looked at Ryoga, tears in her eyes. "Is it true? Is she having your baby?!"  
"What! Do I *look* pregnant to you?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Ranma you're dead!" Ryoga cried.  
"I've heard that one before!" Ranma chuckled.  
"This time I mean it!" Ryoga snapped.  
"Don't change the subject!" Nabiki growled. "G'on, tell them, we're happily married, I'm having twins and I want to go home!" Nabiki groaned.  
Ryoga slumped helplessly as his fans went about swarming Nabiki with several questions.  
However the teenage devil just put her hands up and said "Now now, this cant be good for the babies, all this noise and this late night. Ryoga and I are going home now, you'll have to continue this war without us."  
"Can I come too?" Ranma asked.  
Nabiki glared at him. "You can stay here. Cologne said Akane was around here, make sure she gets home in once piece." She scowled, then dragged Ryoga off from the weeping fan girls and Akari trying to convince them that there was still a chance Ryoga might get a divorce.  
Ryoga groaned, it had been another late night. It was starting to get bright. Daylight? Very early morning he guessed. "Another day, another adventure." He groaned.  
"Every day is an adventure with you." Nabiki scowled. Then added in a softer tone "I guess that's why I'm in love with you."  
"Huh? You're in love with-"  
"Did I say that!?" Nabiki cut him off. "I said no such thing!"  
"But you did!" Ryoga grinned.  
"I'll leave you here! So help me I'll raise the children alone, Ryoga!" Nabiki warned.  
"Yeah, about that . . . you're not really-"  
"Shut up." Nabiki growled. "Lets just go home and go to sleep. You can sleep as P-Chan. And no, I'm not in love with you so don't get any funny ideas either." She said scowling.  
"That's okay, I love you too." Ryoga said. Nabiki blushed, turned around, grabbed his arm and practically dragged him.  
"Shut up, I'm sleepy!" She snapped.  
"That weird . . . I'm not." Ryoga sighed. "I sure could do with something to eat . . . wanna go out  
on another date?"  
"Yeah, I'll take P-Chan to visit the slaughter house." Nabiki growled.  
"Home and sleep it is." Ryoga nodded.  
  
Meanwhile . . .  
Akane Tendo was preparing to go home herself, she just needed to claim Ranma. Unbeknownst to her this was exactly the chance a certain assassin was waiting for. Akane marched across the field alone, unarmed looking for her fiancee.  
"Greetings." A young woman said. She resembled Shampoo a little. Her hair was white, she wore a beautiful green outfit similar to the red and pink one usually found on Shampoo. Her . . . "talents" weren't quite so big as Shampoo's, really Akane finally felt she'd found some one with smaller "talents" than her, it was a strangely serene feeling.  
"Hiya." Akane said.  
"Akane Tendo?" The girl asked. "Do not bother, I know you are." She said quickly.  
"Oh-ho. Well who are you?" Akane asked.  
"The great Amazonian Warrior Han Lo-Chun." The girl said. "I've been commanded to take your head."  
Akane took up a fighting stance. "Well I'm sort of attached to it right now!"  
"Don't worry, you won't feel much." Lo-Chun shrugged. "Shall we begin?"  
"I'm ready for anything!" Akane scowled. She was expecting a powerful fighter like Shampoo, or a sneaky trickster like Mousse . . . what she got was something quite different.  
Akane was filled with exhilaration, not since upperclassman Kuno had she found an opponent that moved so slowly, that seemed to lack fighting style, not since Kuno had she met some one she could easily beat!  
Or so she thought. Lo-Chun tripped and fell, Akane lunged for her only to discover a bit too late that she was about to skewer herself on an outstretched knife.  
  
Ranma saw what was happening and moved like lightning, he lunged for the two girls and kicked the knife out of the white haired girl's hands, took Akane in his arms and glided, or rather skidded to a safe distance of about two feet away from their attacker.  
"Oh my. Sending a man to do a woman's job are you?" the girl scowled. "Well don't think I wont-"  
"Ranma! Akane!" Mousse shouted. "Ryoga's long lost brother says that that's not Shampoo!"  
"Oh really, you think?" Akane growled.  
"Jeez Mousse, even *I* knew that." Ranma scowled.  
White hair lunged forward again, this time with two long knives, one in each hand. Where she'd gotten them from Ranma wasn't quite sure. He caught the blade intended for him, and in a perhaps overprotective move kicked the blade out of her other hand.  
"Hey now, there's a general rule around here, we don't play with knives." Ranma scowled.  
"Then you obviously don't play to win." The girl sneered, reaching behind her back and materializing another knife. This time Akane grabbed her opponent's arm and twisted it.  
"Who sent you?" Akane demanded. "Was it Shampoo?"  
"Oh yes." The white haired girl said. "Yes it was, promise me you'll take revenge on her when I am gone."  
"You can count on it!" Akane growled.  
"I think she's lying." Ranma noted.  
"Oh . . . I knew that." Akane nodded.  
Then something happened that Ranma didn't understand at all. It happened very quickly, so quickly he wasn't quite sure it happened at all. The white haired girl stomped her foot and *another* blade appeared, she tried to kick up and Ranma in turn lifted his knee to introduce it to her chin. He let her arm go, and she flew backwards. When it was over Akane was glaring at him hatefully.  
"What?" He demanded. "I saved yer life!"  
"You moron! She was an Amazon!"  
"And?"  
"Kiss of death stupid!"  
"But I'm a guy." Ranma said with a triumphant sneer.  
"Then you get another fiancee." Akane scowled.  
Ranma frowned and shook his head. "I just can't win!" He cried. "This makes four official and a hundred wannabe brides!"  
But to everyone's surprise the girl woke up as Mousse and Mercedes arrived-too late to help, the cowards-and she leapt up and lunged for Mousse. Not to kill him though, she threw her arms around him and cooed.  
"EIP!" Mousse yelped. "S-Shampoo?"  
"What!" The white haired girl scowled. She shoved Mousse away. "So the man to defeat me thinks I'm my own worst enemy? Cruel fates! They shame me with this loss!"  
"Oh-ho . . ." Mousse seemed to be trying to figure out what the heck was going on. Ranma wasn't one to pass up martial arts glory but for once he held his tongue about beating some one-it hurt more than those stupid paint ball things-and let Mousse take all the credit.  
Akane on the other hand seemed annoyed beyond belief. She grabbed white hair by the collar of her fancy Chinese outfit and shook her around. "Who sent you to kill me? Tell me! Who?"  
The girl, now reminded of her task seemed about ready to grab another knife and take another stab at it. So Ranma promptly separated them.  
"Now, now ladies, break it up, break it up!"  
"Silly little man!" The while haired girl scowled.  
That's when it started to rain. Suddenly Ranma was a silly little woman, and Mousse was a silly little duck running for dear life from Mercedes. That dog had a thing about chasing smaller animals.  
White hair looked around. Frowned. "Where did my husband go? Curses! I'll be back for you once I find him!" She threatened. Then she leapt off and seemed to disappear in the building mists of the rainstorm.  
"Wow . . . she's really stupid." Ranma said.  
"Well I guess it's not every day you get kicked in the face by a boy who turns into a girl, but think you were beaten by a boy who turns into a duck." Akane said. "Really I'm surprised she didn't say anything about *your* condition, Ranma."  
"And why should she?" Ranma scowled. "Like I said, she's stupid. What's her name anyway?"  
"Hmm? Hand Lotion or something like that."  
"Oh great. Another Amazon." Ranma sighed.  
"Quack!" Mousse agreed.  
"At least this one likes Mousse, not me." Ranma perked up.  
"What time is it?" Akane demanded.  
"Time for Saturday morning cartoons!" Ranma cried.  
"Quack!"  
"Let's go home." Akane sighed.  
  
Meanwhile . . . that morning . . .Cologne woke up feeling strange. Strangely refreshed, she felt it was a good omen. She had no idea that this good omen was really just caused by the grim satisfaction that-though she wouldn't remember it for a good five hours-Happi was tied up and bound and gagged in a pile of cheap male porn Cologne had picked up for him.   
She assumed the good omen was something else. No doubt Lotion had succeeded in striking down Akane and Ukyo. Or so she thought. But when she went to check on Shampoo she found her grand daughter lying half in and half out of her bed, splotches of paint here and there on her outfit. It took Cologne a moment to realize what the paint would mean.  
It wasn't a real war! Those stupid little girls had had a paint ball competition!  
Then Han Lo-Chun showed up, similarly covered, but with less paint, she had a bruise on her chin.  
"Did you slay Akane Tendo?" Cologne asked, knowing the answer.  
"No elder, I'm afraid some one interfered."  
"No matter. I didn't really want her dead anyway." Cologne shrugged.  
"But elder I-"  
"Who interfered with the assassination?" Cologne asked.  
"I'm not sure. It was some boy with a pig tail, and some other boy with glasses."  
"Ranma and Mousse." Cologne mused. "What were they doing there?"  
"Your guess is as good as mine elder, I wasn't paying attention but it had something to do with following a dog. But for whatever reason they decided to attend, I was defeated by one of them."  
Cologne frowned. "Which one? The boy with the pigtail?" She asked, not doubting that Ranma would be the one to beat Lotion. The assassin was skilled with knives but only with knives. The rapid strike was her way. Lotion was one to kill her opponent before he or she knew she was there. But in unarmed combat she was a weakling. However what occurred to Cologne was that Lotion might well be competing with Shampoo not only over some childhood rivalry, but over a future husband as well and that simply couldn't be allowed.  
"I'm not sure. I decided I must have been defeated by the one with the glasses." She said.  
"Why?" Cologne asked, not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth but curious none the less.  
"Because he was more attractive than the pigtailed boy. And because I did not see what he was doing when I was defeated. And because I've always wanted a man with glasses . . . and because-"  
"Enough! Enough!" Cologne groaned. "So you'll be marrying Mousse then?"  
Lotion scoffed. "I wasn't defeated anywhere near our village. The laws don't apply."  
"They what?" Cologne scowled.  
"I've decided to return to China. Japan is too hectic for my taste, and if I ever again see this Akane Tendo, or the pigtailed boy I cannot be held responsible for my actions. You apparently no longer wish them dead." Lotion said. "I'm going back home to train."  
"Really . . . might I suggest the Training Ground of Accursed Springs?" Cologne asked. "Does wonders, you'll leave a whole new woman."  
The young assassin seemed to consider that, then shrugged and disappeared.  
Cologne sighed. "Well, at least if I ever get to annoyed with Mousse I can threaten to mail him to China." She chuckled to herself. "Where is he?" She suddenly realized. "I've got pigs that need slaughtering!"  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
He could remember the phone call with Kasumi all too clearly!  
"Father! I'm being held at gunpoint! Akane was sold into slavery in a third world country that treats women-young virgin women in particular-life sex slaves! Nabiki married Ranma behind your back and they have five children and are living off welfare and they need you to help them pay their bills or they'll lose their home! And father I tried to be a good girl but I sold my body to the Mafia and now because I wasn't skilled enough in bed I am going to be shot! Curse my virgin purity! Curse it I say! Now there is a war going on outside and the house is burning down and there's an atomic bomb about to go off in five seconds! Luckily the alien who says he's going to cut me up to see what makes me tick also said I could call you to say good bye so . . . good bye father!" Kasumi said it all cheerfully. 


	21. I shall win him back or I'll eat Katsuni...

Disclaimer: I don't own the village people, or that movie with the talking plant the name of which I honestly cannot remember. I don't own the village people, and actually do not think their music is gay, it's never bothered me.  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 21   
I shall win him back or I'll eat Katsunishiki!  
  
Everyone in the Tendo residence was fast asleep. Kasumi Tendo noted that Ryoga was sleeping in his piglet form on Nabiki's pillow. She was relieved for this, it meant that Ryoga and Nabiki hadn't gotten to doing anything "naughty" last night.  
Or maybe they had. They were sleeping in as if they'd been up all night. Kasumi had once been with Nabiki and Akane on an excursion to Azusa's place to take back a kidnaped Ranma and Ryoga and it'd turned into an all nighter, but of course the eldest Tendo, trying hard to be a good "parent" while the real ones were away had to be suspicious.  
Sleeping in wasn't uncommon for Nabiki, but it was for Akane and Ranma, and strangely enough, Ranma and Akane were sleeping in too. This both reassured and worried Kasumi. If whatever Nabiki and Ryoga had been doing, Ranma and Akane had been apart of then it certainly hadn't been immoral. Illegal perhaps but not immoral. Ranma and Akane simple couldn't do anything . . . bad together, they couldn't get through a kiss without fighting.  
But that everyone was sleeping in did worry the elder Tendo about the health of her family.  
She dialed some numbers on the telephone and got Dr. Tofu's answering machine. "Dr. Tofu? Hello. This is Kasumi. Everyone is sleeping in I think they may be ill, I would feel so much better if you could come check on them when you get this message and have the time. I'll bake you cookies if you do!" She added. Then thought 'bake him cookies? That doesn't sound quite right . . .' "Er, forget the cookies . . . well . . . I mean I'll be baking cookies anyway, I am not trying to lure you here with cookies but if you come by I'll give them to you." Kasumi amended.   
She hung up the phone then went about the task of baking cookies, hoping that the rich chocolate aroma would awaken the other residents of the house. Of course she suddenly remembered something she was supposed to be doing . . . she ran out leaving cookie dough on the counter, she didn't have time to throw them into the oven and wouldn't have had time to take them out afterwards. Oh well, she'd be quick.  
  
"So . . . you still want to move to Hawaii?" Genma asked his incredibly sexy wife.  
"Yes." Nodoka nodded. "There were so many hot young men at the beach that I've yet to sleep with. All I got to do was have an affair with Soun." She pouted.  
"Excuse me?" Genma frowned. Had he heard her right?  
"I said nothing, dear husband." Nodoka said with a warm smile.  
"For a moment I thought you said you'd slept with Soun!" Genma cried. Soun screamed from some far off corner of the ship. He shouldn't have been close enough to hear what they were saying, it must have been instinct.  
"Well yes, I did. You see we had to share a hotel room so as he slept on the couch I slept on the bed and so in a sense we slept together." Nodoka said with a shrug.  
"Oh. Oh of course. As if you'd ever leave me for Soun." Genma chuckled. "He's my exact opposite. Tall, skinny, full head of hair, and emotional."  
"It's only the final respect where you dominate Soun Tendo." Nodoka grumbled. "And my insane loyalty to you that keeps our family together."  
"What was that?" Genma frowned.  
"I said that for all those reasons you dominate Soun Tendo, and I'd have to be insane not to love you, you keep our family . . . are you actually buying this?" Nodoka asked with a raised eyebrow.   
"Yes." Genma nodded.  
"In that case . . . he's much better endowed than you, it's not a wonder he had three children as you could only father one unmanly whelp." Nodoka sighed.  
"Huh?" Genma frowned.  
"I said he's much better endowed than you, and it's . . . no . . . wait . . . I said you're much better endowed than him and it's a wonder he had three children while we had only one especially since you're so much more fun to sleep with than him."  
"He's fun to sleep with?" Genma frowned.  
"I wouldn't know." Nodoka shrugged. "But it sure was great to get all that off my chest."  
"Well the ship sure is great." Genma noted. "Feel that ocean breeze in your face my darling? I feel like the king of the world!"  
"Husband . . . we are in our cabin . . . and the ship has yet to depart. The ocean breeze you speak of is a fan, and I'd appreciate it if you would turn it off, I'm freezing."  
"Hmm . . . yes . . . okay I see." Genma nodded, not at all embarrassed. But then again, why should he be? He was hanging out in his cabin with a wife that was just . . . incredible for her age.  
And his best friend Mr. Stuck Up "I've got three daughters and each one could be a super model if she wanted" was all by himself! Hah! Oh, and Soun was alone too, what a coincidence that he and Mr. Stuck Up had so much in common . . . now Genma had gone and confused himself.  
Hey . . . where did Nodoka go?  
  
Meanwhile . . . Soun was trying in vain to get over his seasickness. He didn't usually get sea sick, he was sure this was some sort of divine punishment for him leaving his precious little girls to burn to death after that atomic bomb blast so he could go to Hawaii and start sleeping with his friends wife.  
He could remember the phone call with Kasumi all too clearly!  
"Father! I'm being held at gunpoint! Akane was sold into slavery in a third world country that treats women-young virgin women in particular-life sex slaves! Nabiki married Ranma behind your back and they have five children and are living off welfare and they need you to help them pay their bills or they'll lose their home! And father I tried to be a good girl but I sold my body to the Mafia and now because I wasn't skilled enough in bed I am going to be shot! Curse my virgin purity! Curse it I say! Now there is a war going on outside and the house is burning down and there's an atomic bomb about to go off in five seconds! Luckily the alien who says he's going to cut me up to see what makes me tick also said I could call you to say good bye so . . . good bye father!" Kasumi said it all cheerfully.  
"Kasumi!" Soun wept through his sickness. "I will find Akane and buy her back, I will break Ranma's legs and I will find that alien and set you free!" He cried, shaking his fist at thin air as he made his proclamation. "With god as my witness, I swear I will return home, my child!"  
He didn't notice Nodoka shake her head and sigh and walk off muttering something about having sex with him later.  
"Wow . . . dat's one strange proclamation you just make." The school principal said. "You no like my islands?"  
"What? No! They only cause me grief and worry! And now my children are ruined, one is a slave in Czechoslovakia, the other is married to her little sister's fiancée and has fifty children, and the third is probably being raped by some alien and his anal probe!"  
The school principal looked at Soun for a moment. He wore thick sunglasses but Soun could tell there was confusion and pity in the man's eyes. "You . . . you crazy." The man said at last.   
Soun scowled. "I'm coming home girls! I'm coming home!" He ran around in circles. "Cant this ship move any faster!?" He cried.   
"Sure. There is a room on this ship where lots of tall, stacked, sweaty men throw coal into big furnaces. The rate at which they throw the coal in will decide how fast the ship moves." A little boy said. "When the any sort of homosexual song plays the sweaty men dance and the ship goes faster."  
"Darn it, you've been watching those stupid cartoons again haven't you?" The boy's father scowled. But Soun was now on a mission. He knew what had to be done . . .  
He turned to principal Kuno. "Where can I find a huge boom box and any album recorded by the Village People?"  
"What you need these things for?" The principal asked.  
"To save my children!" Soun cried.  
"Oh . . . huh?"  
"You're useless! I'm leaving!" Soun cried.  
"Wait!" The principal said. "I help you . . . on one condition . . . I cut your hair."  
"What is this . . . some sort of fetish of yours or something?"  
"That's the deal, take it or leave it."  
"How much of my hair will you cut?" Soun asked.  
"You may never grow it all back." The principal admitted.  
"Why are you on this ship in the first place?"  
"I take long trip to Hawaii." The man shrugged. "Come back on this boat."  
"I think Akane mentioned something about you coming back from you're trip a while ago . . ." Soun said skeptically.  
"I can go on more dan one trip to da islands!"  
"And if I let you cut my hair you'll give me what I need to save my children?"  
The man shook his head, then realized he was doing it wrong and nodded instead.  
"Deal!" Soun cried.  
  
Nodoka meanwhile had been thinking about what Soun had told her-or rather told no one in particular-and decided the best thing to do was call the Tendo residence and talk to Kasumi. So she found a man who looked relatively rich and asked if she could borrow his cell phone.  
"Is it a local call?" The man asked.  
Nodoka stared at the idiot for a moment. 'Local? Local as in Hawaii, Japan or those stupid islands we're going to pass on the way?' She thought, then nodded. "Yes. Yes it is."  
"Very well then, but I expect payment . . . physical payment." The man said with a wink.  
'Oh . . . my . . . god. Is it my kimono? My hair? Do I have a sign with 'slut' written on my back or something?' She checked, and found that she did not. 'Or maybe it's bad karma from sleeping with my husband's best friend . . . and making plans to do so again soon . . . hmm . . .' So she smiled politely and said, "Yes, as you desire I shall pay you physically." Nodoka said, putting her hand on the hilt of her Katana.  
"Er . . . on second thought, my treat, talk away miss." The businessman said. "The name is *Mrs.* Saotome." Nodoka corrected and dialed the Tendo number into the phone.  
It rang slowly . . . too slowly.  
  
Akari walked into the Cat Café and nearly fainted when she saw the fate of her poor piggies! They were all dressed up in Mexican outfits and dancing around terribly!  
"What have you done to them?" Akari screamed at Cologne.  
"Hmm? Oh yes. Well Mousse is asleep and try as I might not even I can wake him so he couldn't slaughter them and it's simply to gruesome a job for me to do."  
"What about Shampoo?" Akari frowned, then realized she might have just helped the old crone destroy her pet piggies!  
"Shampoo is sleeping, but again, try as I might not even I can wake her, she too cannot slaughter the pigs."  
"So you make them dance?"  
"If you can call it that." Cologne shrugged. "They are the stars of Mexican day. All day we're serving Mexican flavored ramen."  
"Mexican flavored?" Akari frowned. "You mean tacos?"  
"Don't be so ignorant, Mexicans eat other things besides tacos! There are some Mexicans who've never even eaten a taco in their lives!"  
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insult another culture." Akari whimpered.  
"This ramen is burrito flavored." Cologne said. Akari fell over.  
"You're insane!" She cried.  
"That's what they said when I said I could pose for the swim suit calendar back when I was ninety nine! But who's insane now! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyway it's very possible. You simply take a tortilla, put some refried beans all along it, put it into the bowl then fill that bowl with "plain" flavored ramen. It is actually quite good . . . if only I could find a way to keep the tortillas from getting soggy . . . alas . . . dreams." Cologne shrugged.  
"Tortillas don't get soggy!" Akari cried.  
"It's great!" The host from WPDDC added from some unseen corner.  
"You're insane! I want my piggies back!" Akari squealed.  
"But the deal is sealed." Cologne said. "Much like your mouth . . . only opposite."  
"You're stupid ringer didn't even beat Akane! We still lost!"  
"This means what to me?" Cologne asked. "I didn't say she'd *definitely* win."  
"As a member of RHFC you should be devastated at our loss." Akari said.  
"I'm not. Anyway I've joined the RSFC." Cologne said simply.  
"What! WHY YOU-"  
"And from what I hear you're not even head of RHFC anymore, your people have found some sort of god thing that you believe will now rule over you?"  
"Oh yes. The scarf wearing wife of Ryoga Hibiki, our goddess." Akari nodded.  
Cologne blinked. "You know . . . you need help. Really. Now you think Nabiki Tendo is a goddess?" Cologne shook her head.  
"Of course. She married Ryoga." Akari shrugged.  
"She did not, she's just mysteriously overprotective of him . . . like an older sister . . . who flirts with her brother as enthusiastically as a whore." Cologne said with a finger on her chin in thought.  
"Nonsense! With our scarf wearing goddess by our side now we shall never be defeated again!"  
"Hmm? Oh you want to talk about your silly fan club again." Cologne shook her head. "So Nabiki is your goddess and even though you lost to the fan club of Future-son-in-law you are all still very enthusiastic about your silly little satanic worship. Oh-ho . . . then everything is as I planned. Nabiki went there and now she's your new leader."  
"That wasn't your plan!" A very handsome boy said. "Your plan was to kill her before I could have sex with her!"  
"Silence, Mikado!" Cologne cried, she whacked him on the head with her stick.  
Akari scowled. "Just you wait! If Nabiki isn't Ryoga's wife then that means I still can be!"  
"I suppose. Can you out flirt Nabiki?"  
"Surely!" Akari scowled. "I can simply shove my breasts in his face and with that accomplish more than that silly *whore* ever could!"  
"You'd need breasts for that." Cologne observed. "Nabiki on the other hand? Well she's much bustier than you. And has better curves." Cologne said.  
"Not to mention she doesn't reek of pig manure." Phil added.  
"Indeed, how could anyone forget that?" Cologne shrugged.  
"And who is to say she doesn't shove her breasts into his face?" Phil shrugged. "Really that's a very common way to get a man, women do it all the time in America . . . didn't do it too often in Canada, most of them were flat, but you couldnt tell because of their thick winter jackets, before you know it you've got six flat former wives . . . crap I need to learn when to end the sentence."  
"Uh . . . right." Cologne nodded, picking up the slack. "For all you know Akari, you're darling Ryoga and the 'whore' Nabiki have spent the night together."  
"Ryoga has spent the night with me before!"  
"I meant in the same bed . . . in dramatic and loving embrace. Not in the barn, on a bail of hay while you sleep comfortably in your bed." Cologne amended with an evil sneer.  
"He's done that with her!? No! You lie! You lie! He'd never! She must have forced him!"  
"Or seduced him. She's the one with the little dancing pig right? Bouncing baby Buddha on a pogo stick, she was fuggin hot. Heck if she were offering I'd take her over you in a second." Phil shrugged.  
"I don't care! I'll get my Ryoga back!" Akari wailed frantically.  
"To get something back, would suggest you had at one point possessed it." Cologne teased.  
"I'll get him back or I'll eat Katsunishiki!" Akari wailed, jumping up and down and waving her arms around making everyone stare at her.  
The eyes of the giant pig (which Akari had rode in on) suddenly became enormous and his pupils became very small. Then where a giant pig had once stood was only a giant cloud of dust.  
Akari scowled and stormed out, thoroughly pissed.  
Unfortunately she forgot about the pigs. Fortunately for the pigs Cologne had grown attached to them as their presence reeled in many customers. Soon the living mummy had set up a nice place for them to live . . . in Mousse's room. The stench of so many Mexican dancing pigs and their . . . "presents" woke poor young Mousse and unfortunately for Mousse and the largest pig the nearly blind young man thought Shampoo had invaded his room for reasons unholy and he lunged forward and kissed the enormous pig.  
Both pig and boy gazed into each other's eyes lovingly . . . then suddenly there was light of recognition in the eyes of both. "AAAHHHH!" Mousse cried.  
"ERNK!" The pig screamed.  
The other pigs just laughed and Mousse tried to find his way out of his room. As if it wasn't hard enough without the pig pies on the floor everywhere.  
  
Meanwhile Tofu sighed as he was again discharged.  
"Forget the bill!" The doctor said. "Just don't fuggin come back!"  
"But my life is here!" Tofu cried. "And you still have my chainsaw!"  
The doctor scowled and gave Tofu the chainsaw, the leather jacket and the valet came around with the motor cycle.  
"Wow!" Tofu grinned. "I'm back! Tofu rides again! Outta the way B-Yotch, I'm gonna go eat me some road!"  
The valet sighed then gave Tofu a thumbs up . . . just not with his thumb . . . or index, pinky or ring for that matter.  
And the terror in a doctor's outfit was unleashed on mankind again. Anyone ever see that one movie with the talking plant and the evil dentist who sang that cool song about killing puppies and rode a motor cycle?   
Yeah . . . that has nothing to do with any of this, I just tried to imagine Tofu riding a motorcycle decked out with a chainsaw and his leather jacket . . . that popped into my head.  
So . . . anyway . . .  
Tofu got home some time that afternoon, he checked his messages . . . wait . . . that's strange, he didn't have an answering machine!  
"Tofu? You fudged up my back and now I can't lift a piece of paper! I need you to fix it or I sue!" Some guy said. Tofu scowled.  
"Dr. Tofu? Hello. This is Kasumi. Everyone is sleeping in I think they may be ill, I would feel so much better if you could come check on them when you get this message and have the time. I'll bake you cookies if you do!" She paused. "Er, forget the cookies . . . well . . . I mean I'll be baking cookies anyway, I am not trying to lure you here with cookies but if you come by I'll give them to you."  
But what Tofu heard was . . .  
"Oh Tofu! Hello (giggles) this is your girl Kasumi! Everyone is sleeping right now, I hope they're ill so they wont bother us for a long time. I'm all alone, I'd feel so much better if you could come by and check me out, I'm just a hot horny honey in need of sexual release and you're the best man for the job! I'd feel so much better if you'd drill me when you get this message and have the time between the other girls, you must be in high demand. I'll bake cookies! I want to lure you here so you can eat my cookies and everything else I've got!"  
"Tehehe. We're back in business!" The chainsaw chuckled.  
"Yes indeed . . . well I cannot refuse a request from Kasumi. Let's ride Betty!" Tofu said to the skeleton.  
"You player! You leave me alone for how long only to come back and go after Kasumi's tail? Just leave me here! You always do lately!" The skeleton scowled at him. "Leave me to die!"  
"Don't be that way, I've got love for the both of you." Tofu assured the skeleton that was-to him-very much alive. And soon he was riding down the street on his motorcycle with a chainsaw in one hand and a skeleton hanging onto him as if for dear life though really that's impossible.  
Ironically the doctor who had discharged Tofu watched him go by and sighed. "God . . . what have I done?"  
"You've unleashed great terror on the world." The skeleton cried as Tofu drove by. The doctor blinked then went back to the institute to have himself committed.  
  
Meanwhile . . .   
RING! RING!  
Akane Tendo woke up and tromped over to the phone.  
RING! RING!  
She picked it up and screamed "WHAT THE HECK DO YOU WANT?!" into the phone.  
"Akane?" Auntie Nodoka asked.  
"Oh auntie!" Akane said, her anger gone. "What is it?"  
"Well I called to see how things were."  
"Wonderful!" Akane said.  
"You're not being pimped off on the streets are you?" Nodoka asked. Akane laughed but auntie Nodoka sounded quite serious.  
"Eh . . . no. No I'm not."  
"And the house hasn't been burned down?"  
"No . . . it got looted after a huge hole was blown in the wall and in an uncharacteristic lack of foresight Nabiki told Mousse to guard it."  
"So you really did have the blind kid guarding the house . . ." Nodoka sighed. "Well what about Kasumi? She's not selling her body to the Mafia is she?"  
"I don't . . . think so." Akane frowned. "Auntie, what is all this about?"  
"Your father recently called home and had a strange conversation with Kasumi, now he thinks you've been sold into slavery, that Kasumi is a whore and that the house was destroyed in an atomic blast. He also believes that Kasumi has been abducted by aliens and that there is a war going on back in Japan."  
"Oh there is!" Akane cried. "Just last night! It was incredible! I almost got to shoot Ranma!"  
"You what?" Nodoka gasped.  
"It was a paint ball war." Akane noted.  
"Oh!" Nodoka sounded relieved. "Well everyone is okay then, right?"  
"Right."  
"Akane, how would you feel about moving to Hawaii where you could be the daughter of a millionaire?" Nodoka asked.  
"I'd like that very much." Akane shrugged.  
"Good. Try and see how the other girls feel, and try to convince them that moving to Hawaii is a good idea, you've got about two weeks to do this, then your father, uncle Saotome and I should be home."  
"Why so long?" Akane asked.  
"We're taking a cruise ship back."  
"Oh-ho . . ."  
"Oh! I almost forgot!" Nodoka said with a chuckle. "Nabiki. How is she doing?"  
"Doing well, I suppose . . . to be truthful, I don't really know lately." Akane shrugged, but Nodoka wouldn't see it.  
"That's good." Nodoka laughed. "Your father was having a fit! He thought she was dating Ryoga!"  
"She *is*!" Akane cried triumphantly. Reminded of how she'd been the first to know that her sister and Ryoga had romantic feelings towards one another. "And *I* was the first one to know!" she told Nodoka.  
"Wow . . . they aren't . . . you know . . . are they?" Nodoka sounded shocked.  
"Sleeping together? Yeah sure." Akane shrugged. "Again, who was the first one to know? Yours truly!" Akane said, feeling incredibly satisfied with herself.  
"Oh my . . . it seems your father thinks she is pregnant . . ." Nodoka frowned. "Is Nabiki pregnant Akane?"  
Akane almost dropped the phone. "Nabiki is pregnant!?" She gasped. "Wow! This is such odd and unfortunate yet incredible and wonderful news! I just have to tell everyone in town!"  
"No! Don't!" Nodoka cried. "I was asking you, not telling you!"  
But Akane didn't hear her. "My big sister is having a baby! I have to tell everyone!" She cried, hanging up the phone on Nodoka. "Who do I tell first?" Akane wondered. Of course . . . there was only one person she could tell first.  
She snuck quietly to Nabiki's room . . .  
  
"Good morning P-Chan!" Akane giggled wickedly. Ryoga woke up and sighed. Akane was carrying him around, she seemed pretty thrilled about something. "I can't wait to talk to you face to face! You thought you could be tricky and not tell me, but I've found out you're secret!"  
'I have a secret?' Ryoga wondered. 'Hmm . . . I'm your pet pig . . . I'm in love with your sister . . . used to be in love with you . . . nope, nothing you don't already know Akane, sorry.' He thought to himself. Then scowled because she couldn't hear him. He needed to stop talking to himself!  
Akane brought him into the washroom and threw him into a readily filled tub of hot water, he leapt out, then leapt back in. "Akane!" He cried. "You're not supposed to see me like this!" Akane threw him a pair of pants, he turned her head to the side then threw them on, got out of the bath then turned her head back. "What is this all about?" He demanded.  
Akane grinned. "So . . . thought you could get away without me finding out did you?"   
"Akane, you seem to know more about this than me. What the heck are you talking about?"  
"The baby!" Akane giggled.  
"What?" Ryoga frowned.  
"You didn't know?" Akane gasped. "Ryoga! Nabiki is pregnant!"  
Ryoga fell back into the tub, Akane had to pull him out to keep him from drowning.  
"Ryoga!" She snapped, slapping him until he came around.  
"This just cant be!" He groaned. "How can you even know this?"  
"Auntie Nodoka told me, and father told her, and Kasumi told father and Nabiki must have told Kasumi!"  
Ryoga groaned. "Great! So Kasumi, your dad, Ranma's mother and you all know before me? Great!" he scoffed. Akane gasped. Ryoga eyed her. "What?" He asked.  
"Well . . . if she didn't want to tell you . . . maybe it's not your-"  
"Don't you finish that sentence." Ryoga scowled, surprised at how angry that thought made him.  
"Oh . . . sorry." Akane frowned. "We should tell Ranma about this! He owes me money now!" Akane said happily.  
"No! No Ranma! We're not telling anyone about this! Don't tell Nabiki you know either, especially don't tell her that *I* know." Ryoga said. "I need to figure out what to do . . . I think."  
"Ryoga . . ." Akane whispered.  
"Hmm?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.  
"What are you going to name it if it's a boy!?" Akane giggled. "Ryoga Jr.? And what if it's a girl? Will you name her Akane in honor of you're favorite sister-in-law?"  
Ryoga groaned and went back into the tub, this time on purpose trying to drown himself, but the hot water wasn't his friend and Akane pulled him out again before he suffocated and began badgering him with questions.  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
"That's it! There *is* a sign, isn't there? Where is it!" Nodoka ranted for a moment then regained her composure. "I've got a better idea." Nodoka said. "You can make this ship go faster, or . . ." she waved her katana. "I can make you both women and you won't be needing any sex from me."  
"Number one . . . full speed ahead!" The captain said with some sort of dignity, then both he and the first mate ran for dear life. 


	22. The Return of Han LoChun

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or Charlotte's web. Tofu mentions the good old American movie Look Who's Talking, but I don't own it, I don't own anything except the basic idea for this fic. Have a nice day.  
  
Note, I wasn't trying to make Nodoka a whore, she's just sort of having a mid-life crisis and needs to feel sexy. I mean, c'mon, take a look at her, not bad eh? She's got nothing on Kasumi of course (She might contend with Nabiki if Nabiki were late thirties/early forties), but she could pass for Ranma's older sister. Now look at Genma, or even Soun. They look their age. First I saw Ranma I thought Soun was his father, Genma was his grand father and Akane was his sister.  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 22  
The RETURN of Hand Lotion!  
(Whap, crack, punch, BAM!)  
Er . . . The Return of Han Lo-Chun  
  
Nodoka shook her head ruefully. Now Akane was probably telling everyone at school that Nabiki was pregnant, even if it were true it'd be a disaster. Soun hadn't been very comforted by the news that his children continued to live because now he had a hair cut . . . and a bad one at that, it looked as if some one had put a bowl over his head and shaved everything else away. Still had his mustache, but he was still none too pleased with the change.  
Nodoka didn't blame him, she found him significantly less attractive now, one of the reasons she was getting bored with Genma was his hair . . . 'What have I become?' She wondered absently.   
"I have this plan," Soun was saying. "A little boy told me that if I play music the ship would go faster, so I've obtained a radio and a CD through means I don't feel I should tell you, it's just too painful."  
"Okay . . . cant we just enjoy our two weeks? We know the girls are fine and that Ranma and Akane haven't killed each other yet since it was Akane who answered the phone." Genma said.  
"I thought it was ONE week!" Soun cried. Genma shook his head. "Yeah, well maybe everything is fine, but I paid a high price for this radio and I plan to use it!" Soun cried.  
"You could use it all you wanted if we moved to Hawaii." Nodoka noted.  
"Are you still going on about that?" Soun and Genma groaned in once voice.  
"That's right!" Nodoka cried. "And I'll *be* going on about it until you give in! Just remember, I'm your only source of physical pleasure!"  
"I've spent years apart from you!" Genma cried.  
"I've er . . . never slept with you . . . ever . . . it's true!" Soun said feebly. Genma nodded.  
"Yeah! Hey . . . wait am I missing something? You had a sign and . . . and then you two were . . . and . . . it's all coming together!" WHAP! Nodoka whacked him with the hilt of her katana, his eyes crossed. "Err . . . what was I talking about?"  
"Do you have to keep doing that?" Soun asked her. "I think it's actually helping him figure it out."  
"You want some of this?" She threatened.  
He put his hands in the air in submission.  
"Now you, play your stupid radio but you'll find we move no faster. And you," she pointed at Genma, "get me something to drink . . . and something to eat . . . and maybe something for desert. Meanwhile *I* will be seeing if they sell any tote bags large enough to fit several of those nifty bath robes in."  
"My wife the thief." Genma sighed.  
"My wife the cruel." The ship captain added.  
"My wife the whore." The first mate said.  
"My wife the corpse." Soun shrugged. They stared at him. "What? I couldn't just say nothing, c'mon!"  
"What the heck are you two doing in this cabin?" Nodoka asked.  
"We heard you needed the ship to go faster. Well for a price we can make it so." The captain said.  
"Oh really?" Nodoka's eyes narrowed. If the trend of things held . . . "You want sex don't you!" She accused.  
They looked taken aback. "Well no," the captain said, "We were going to ask that you burn that CD in the fires of hades, but now that you've offered I cant get it out of my mind so-yeah, that's our price." The captain shrugged.  
"I still want the CD destroyed." The first mate said, the captain slapped him. "Er . . . right sir."  
"That's it! There *is* a sign, isn't there? Where is it!" Nodoka ranted for a moment then regained her composure. "I've got a better idea." Nodoka said. "You can make this ship go faster, or . . ." she waved her katana. "I can make you both women and you won't be needing any sex from me."  
"Number one . . . full speed ahead!" The captain said with some sort of dignity, then both he and the first mate ran for dear life.  
  
Nabiki opened her eyes slowly, assaulted by sunlight she covered her eyes and growled. She was a little reluctant to wake, after all sleep felt so good. But as all good things it had come to its end.  
She looked around and realized Ryoga was nowhere to be found, she scowled and cursed him for  
wandering off.  
She decided the best course of action would be to roll out of bed, hit her head of the floor and wake up. But that always hurt so much. Oh well, on three . . . one . . . two . . . screw it, she decided to go back to sleep.  
"Oh Akane, that's a terrible thing to say!" Kasumi cried from downstairs. Nabiki was fully awake.  
"But you told auntie Nodoka so why cant I tell Dr. Tofu?" Akane cried.  
"I told her what?" Kasumi yelped. "I haven't even spoken to her . . . have I?"  
"She said you told father and he told her." Akane said.  
"Oh . . . well yes I might have said that to father. Oh well, I guess that's okay, this is the sort of thing Father needs to know. But really Akane, don't go telling everyone!"  
"But Dr. Tofu is a close friend of the family!" Akane protested. Nabiki emerged from her room to see what the commotion was about. As soon as she walked in everyone was quiet.  
"Er . . . good morning Nabiki!" Kasumi said cheerfully.  
"Hello." Tofu said. "Say hello, Betty." There was a pause . . . "Really, you could say it with a bit more enthusiasm." Tofu sighed.  
"Hi sis!" Akane cried.  
"Did you just call me 'sis'?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Er . . . yes?"  
"You're up to something, arent you?" She accused. "Don't ever do it again." Nabiki warned. "Has anyone seen Ryoga?"  
"Oh-ho. Got something really important you need to tell him huh?" Akane grinned.  
"What? Why are you grinning at me?"  
"Ryoga went to use the bathroom and we got a call from Kodachi saying that he'd ended up at her place, so we sent Ranma to go get him."  
"Curse him!" Nabiki scowled. She looked at her family, plus Tofu. "What were you talking about?" She asked.  
"Eh . . . nothing." Kasumi said.  
"You were talking about something." Nabiki said.  
"Nothing at all." Kasumi said, there was a "BING" sound. "Oh! The cookies!" Kasumi rushed off.  
"Saved by the bell." Nabiki chuckled. She turned on Akane. "C'mon, what did Auntie Nodoka tell you?"  
Akane beamed. "She told me about the baby!" She cried.  
Nabiki blinked. "What baby? Nodoka isn't having another kid is she?"  
Akane grinned again, Nabiki wanted to end that forever but couldn't think of any remark snide enough, this grin was just too powerful. It was the one she wore when she thought she was incredibly smart, or most recently smarter than Ranma. "Don't play dumb Nabiki! We all know that yo-" Kasumi was in the room in a second, her hand over Akane's mouth.  
"That you know already." She said quickly. "After all, you know everything!"  
"I used to think that too!" Nabiki exclaimed. "Now I'm not so sure!"  
"Mwe mwall mow! Myogma mows moo!" Akane cried through Kasumi's hand, Kasumi stomped on her toe, how unlike Kasumi.  
Dr. Tofu didn't seem to be affected by any of this, he just sipped a cup of tea and had a private conversation with his skeleton, Betty.  
Nabiki was starting to become confused, and that was something she simply wouldn't allow, it was not meet for Nabiki Tendo to be confused about anything . . . wait, what did 'meet' mean? Curses! She was more confused than she thought! She made an orderly retreat into the kitchen, and listened to the others speak in hushed tones, obviously underestimating her hearing.  
"What did you do that for?" Akane demanded.  
"We can't let her know we know!" Kasumi whispered. "She might panic, just think how she'd react if she found out that uncle Saotome and father know too!"  
"She should be thrilled!" Akane cried.  
"I wouldn't be." Tofu noted.  
"Well you wouldn't have to worry about it now would you?" Akane chuckled.  
"How did Ryoga take the news?" Kasumi whispered.  
"He was ecstatic!" Akane said defensively.  
So . . . Ryoga knew . . . whatever this was, if Ryoga was in on it why wasn't Nabiki? Well it didn't matter, she supposed she could just get it out of him later. Those cookies were all alone, all defenseless . . . "eat us! Just one of us! A little one!" they cried. Nabiki was happy to oblige.  
  
Akane pouted and Kasumi scolded her some more. "Think about it Akane, she hasn't told *us* and we're her sisters! She hasn't even told Ryoga, the likely father, what does that tell you?"  
"Er . . . it's a surprise?" Akane offered.  
"Ryoga might not be the father!" Kasumi hissed.  
"No, don't say that, that's mean." Akane said. "Nabiki wouldn't cheat on . . . no wait . . ."  
"Or perhaps she's not pregnant at all, perhaps this is all a misunderstanding." Tofu offered. Hah! From the mouths of babes . . .   
Who ever listens to a baby? "You're nuts!" Akane cried. "If Kasumi says it is so, father says it is so and Nodoka says it is so then it must be so!"  
"I didn't say it was so!" Kasumi said.  
"Yes you did! You just don't remember!" Akane protested. "Anyway I say its so, so it's still so!"  
"Stop saying 'so'!" Kasumi growled.  
"YYYEEEOOOWWW!" Nabiki shouted from the kitchen. "You little liars tricked me!"  
"Oh my, she found the cookies, I told them not to say anything!" Kasumi frowned. Akane and Tofu both looked at her. "What? I better go, you know how she gets when snacks fight back."  
Akane had a flashback to when they were just little girls, Nabiki had got her hand stuck in a snack jar because she wouldn't let go of the handful of candy she'd grabbed. Akane had been going through her tattling phase, and Kasumi was in the "I'm the mommy" phase that she really never did get out of. The result was father coming home and catching her and sending her to her room, but not before she got down on her knees, raised her arms in the air and shouted to the heavens:  
"CURSE YOU SNACKS! CCCCCCUUUUUURRRRRRSSSSSSEEEEEE YYYYOOOOOUUUUUU!"  
"You'd better go save her." Akane nodded but Kasumi was already gone. Dr. Tofu shook his head and sighed. "Y'see? I was right." Akane said.  
"Hmm? How so?"  
"She's eating uncontrollably, she's probably in her seventh month or something."  
"They said they were cooled!" Nabiki protested from the kitchen.  
"Uncontrollably you say?" Tofu raised an eyebrow. "One cookie Akane, just one, isnt a sign of an uncontrollable eater, and if she were in her seventh month she wouldnt look anorexic! The cookie proves noting."  
"But it DOES!" Akane cried.  
"She's *always* sneaking something out of the kitchen, you've said so yourself." The young doctor sighed. "I actually want to know where she puts it all!" He patted his stomach. "If I had her metabolism I could probably eat more of Kasumi's cooking and maybe Kasumi would be so impressed she'd let me-"  
"They said they were soft and gooey!" Nabiki continued. "It's not that they lied so much that they *spoke* that bothers me!" She cried.  
"Yes, well I told them not to talk." Kasumi was sighing.  
"*Why* were they talking!" Nabiki demanded.  
"Don't worry about that, why don't you go run your hand under some warm water?"  
"See?" Akane chuckled. "She's hearing things, that means she's pregnant."  
"If you say so." Tofu said. "But I really don't think that's an actual symptom of pregnancy, a lapse of memory or perhaps violent mood swings, but not this. Also she doesn't look pregnant."  
"That's because she just started having sex with Ryoga a few days ago." Akane nodded.  
"Then it's impossible to know, it'd be a couple weeks before you'd know for sure." Tofu said. "And if my memory of 'Look Who's Talking' serves me right she should be throwing up."  
"Well why don't you give her a physical and find out?"  
"Kasumi? Physical? Oh I'd love too!" Tofu wept.  
"I meant Nabiki."  
"Oh . . . sorry I'm not that sort of doctor." Tofu sighed.  
"But you were going to do it to Kasumi!"  
"Ahem. *Not* that sort of doctor." Tofu repeated.  
  
Ryoga and Ranma walked back to the Tendo training hall slowly, Ryoga resisted the urge to attack the arrogant boy as he walked along his favorite fence. "So . . . how're things?" Ranma asked at last.  
"What? Fine I guess." Ryoga grumbled. Was Ranma . . . making conversation?  
"Oh yeah? That's cool . . ." Ranma paused, then finally he said with a chuckle, "I really feel sorry for that baby. With you as his's father he'll never find his way out of Nabiki."  
"Who told you?" Ryoga demanded, kicking the fence, Ranma leapt gracefully away and landed right behind the surprised and enraged boy.  
"Aww c'mon pall, I heard Akane tell you. The walls are paper-thin. That said, when did you 'an Nabiki even do it? I mean gosh I didn't hear a thing. Azusa is gonna be heart broken . . . Ryoga you player." Ranma grinned.  
"Shut up." Ryoga scowled. "You're the one with the harem."  
Ranma shrugged in as close to an apology as he really came in this sort of situation. "Okay, I'm sorry." Ranma didn't really sound sincere. "Look, I was holding that crack about the baby in all day! Now admit it was a good one! C'mon!"  
"If it weren't rude, uncalled for and at my expense I might have found it amusing." Ryoga allowed. "Can't you make up some jokes about Mousse? Why is it always me?"  
"I do make up jokes 'bout Mousse, yer just to stiff ta ever get 'em." Ranma chuckled, Ryoga scowled.  
  
The next few days passed by uneventfully, Nabiki was getting truly annoyed. Ryoga had proven to be a terrible source of information, in fact he had her asking herself even more questions now.  
Everyone was acting very strangely, all she had to do was walk into a room and the conversation ended, which of course led her to believe that these conversations were about her.   
It was really frustrating, Akane, not being one for subterfuge was constantly slipping things but none of it made sense. Nodoka had a baby but she wasn't pregnant, everyone was going to move to Hawaii and be rich but they wouldn't be leaving home, and Akane had a strange interest in knowing wether or not Nabiki was throwing up.  
"Look, I'm not bulimic or whatever, I don't make myself throw up okay?" Nabiki scowled.  
"I don't know what that word means. But you're still really skinny." Akane noted.  
"That's right! It's called 'jogging'." Nabiki snapped.  
"I don't think you're eating enough. Not a woman in your condition anyway," Akane said. "I'll go make an extra big dinner."  
"NO!" Nabiki cried.  
That's basically how things were going. Ranma seemed as clueless as she was, but that really wasn't any sort of surprise. Maybe he was just better at playing the fool than Akane, any young man engaged to two beautiful young women (and Akane) would have to be a master of feigned surprise. But the biggest surprise came when Nabiki was trying to sit quietly in the living room.  
Why was this surprise so big? Because it was the answer to her question of course. The phone rang and Nabiki answered it.  
"Tendo residence, Nabiki speaking, state your business."  
"Nabiki? Oh thank heavens you're not Akane!" Nodoka said.  
"I know, I feel that way too. You want to talk to Akane?" Nabiki sneered.  
"No! She's too excitable!"  
"You're telling me!" Nabiki growled.  
"Nabiki I have some questions to ask you." Nodoka said.  
"Oh joy!" Nabiki said with mock enthusiasm. "I'm waving a flag, auntie!" She scowled.  
"Uh . . . right. Nabiki, how do you feel about moving to Hawaii and being rich?"  
"I like the second half of it."  
"The moving part?" Nodoka enthused.  
"No, the being rich part, why would I want to move anywhere?" Nabiki asked.  
"Because we've got some choice land in Hawaii near a beach and . . . never mind. Anyway Nabiki, are you seeing that Ryoga boy?"  
"No I'm seeing that Ryoga, girl." Nabiki growled. "Who told you this?"  
"It doesn't matter. Nabiki, you know you can tell your auntie anything right?"  
"Since when?"  
"Since forever. Are you sexually active." Nodoka asked simply.   
Well that was sort of a shock. It really wasn't any of her business! "Yeah." Nabiki said. "Now that you mention it, I'm having sex right now. G'bye auntie, I'm about to climax!"  
"That's not funny Nabiki!" Nodoka groaned. "Your twelve! I don't even want to imagine you-Eew!"  
"I'm not twelve! I'm seventeen, and I'm eighteen in just a little while longer!"  
"Oh . . . well still, That's disgusting!"  
"You asked a disgusting question." Nabiki hissed.  
"Fair enough. Nabiki, are you pregnant?"  
"No."  
"Oh . . . well then . . . never mind."  
"Who told you I was?" Nabiki demanded. She had just gotten the last piece of a puzzle, she was sure of it, now all that remained was to put that puzzle together.  
"Hmm? No one."  
"C'mon! Tell me auntie! You'll be my favorite auntie!"  
"Oh . . . well it's complicated, I don't know every detail but apparently Kasumi told your father you were sleeping with Ryoga-"  
"I'll kill her!" Nabiki yelped.  
"Which he then believed meant you were pregnant, and I asked Akane if you were to get confirmation and she misunderstood and believed that I was *telling* her that you were pregnant when in fact it was a question."  
"So that's what's been going on here!" Nabiki scowled. "Just wait till I see Akane again, I'm going to make her pay through the nose!"   
She hung up on Nodoka who screamed "Don't hang-"  
Nabiki laughed wickedly, evil thoughts danced through her head. "Oh my . . . who to trick first . . . why not all of them at once?" She whispered to herself. She grinned from ear to ear, it'd been a while since she'd had some *real* fun!  
"Akane! Kasumi! Ranma! Ryoga! Come down here, there's something really important I want to tell . . . oh . . . eh okay . . ." in an instant everyone was sitting right in front of her listening attentively, except Ryoga who was P-Chan dangling from Ranma's hand, teeth dug in suggesting they'd been fighting again.  
"Everyone . . ." Nabiki said dramatically. "I've assembled you all here to tell you something that I suspect you already know . . . a truth I can deny no longer!" She said, throwing in mock tears for effect.  
"Yes?" Akane eagerly leaned closer.  
"It's gonna to be quick right?" Ranma yawned. Akane smacked him.  
"Go ahead." Kasumi said, in her typical 'motherly' voice. "We all love you, no matter what."  
'To bad, 'cause I *hate* you.' Nabiki thought, holding back the smile that wanted to dance over her lips and trying to keep her face grave. "I . . . I am . . . I'm going to have a baby!" She said.  
Kasumi gasped in mock surprise, Akane clapped her hands and squealed. "I knew it! I knew it!" She giggled.  
"Wow . . ." Ranma said in shock. "I thought it was just a joke, I mean yer so much skinnier than Akane!" Akane was too busy jumping up and down to punish him for that remark. Ranma lifted his hand and gave Ryoga a lazy, uncaring look. "Ya dirty pig." He chuckled. Really, Nabiki felt he was taking this better than anyone else, Akane was ecstatic, Kasumi was trying to hide her disapproval and Ryoga just started going into death rolls and trying to rip Ranma's hand off.  
  
At about that time Akari was speaking to an assembly of other insane Ryoga fanatics, the fan club, Azusa, and a few others. Among the rabble was the assassin, she looked very cross, Akari ignored this. "Now listen up, our objective is to kidnap Nabiki Tendo, and hide her in the last place Ryoga would ever look, and eventually he'll just forget about her and we can go back to the way things were!"  
"When you say kidnap . . . you mean kill?" Lotion asked.  
"I don't mean kill."  
"And by don't . . . you mean do?" Lotion pressed.  
"No! You're not to harm her . . . physically. You can insult her if you like, break her, make her a fragile little doll so I can smash her spirit!"  
"But the scrolls said we should praise her and accept her as our leader!" One of the girls from the  
fan club said.  
"The scrolls made a mistake, you're supposed to praise me and accept me as your leader, only I  
can be Ryoga's wife!"  
"That's right! You're so little and cute, you'd make a perfect wife!" Azusa cried.  
"Well . . . thank you-" Akari began but Azusa cut her off.  
"You're going to be Azusa's little Charlamay, that's who you are!"  
"Oh god no!" Akari groaned.  
"And by no . . . you mean yes?" Lotion asked.  
"Gah! Just go kidnap Nabiki!"  
"Right on." Lotion said. "By kidnap . . . you mean murd-"  
"Don't hurt her!" Akari scowled, trying to wrestle Azusa off of her. "Get off me! Don't you have a home?"  
"Yes! And you're going to come there with Azusa!"  
"Don't you mean, "go there"?" Akari frowned.  
"No, Azusa meant what Azusa said."  
There was an awkward silence . . . finally Akari groaned. "Ewe!"   
Lotion started to laugh, Cologne-whom Akari hadn't even noticed was in attendance-found it pretty funny too.  
  
Everyone was silent now. It wasn't the grand reaction Nabiki had expected from them, if she were really pregnant she might resent that. "Well?" she pressed. "What do you think?"  
"Well . . ." Kasumi said slowly.  
"I knew it!" Akane beamed. Nabiki resisted the urge to lunge forward and strangle her sister.  
"The . . . eh . . . father?" Kasumi asked.  
"My darling Ryoga." Nabiki said, winking at the pig. Ranma chuckled when P-Chan's grip suddenly went limp and the pig fell to the floor unconscious.  
"I don't know why he reacted that way, he already knew." Akane sighed.  
"Maybe he was in denial." Kasumi frowned.   
"He takes good news so well." Ranma grinned.  
"Who said it was good news?" Nabiki asked, deciding to put an evil spin to this. Who needed soap operas? They could burn in TV hades, Nabiki was about to make the stage performance of a life time. "I . . . may not . . . keep the baby." She pretended to force the words out through an imaginary lump in her throat.  
"WHA!" Ranma yelped.  
"You can't be serious!" Akane gasped.  
"Ryoga and I aren't married, and we don't have any means to raise a child." Nabiki said. "I may have to get rid of it."  
"Get rid of it?" Akane growled. "My little niece? Oh no you don't!"  
"Nephew, and yeah!" Ranma added. "Ya can't just go and do that, that'd be bad, if you can get laid you can deal with the consequences! Ya can't just put this kid up fer adoption just like that!"  
"I'll remind you of that when *you* get pregnant Ranko." Nabiki said acidly. "And I am *not* talking about adoption. I speak of the other-unmentionable option."  
Everyone went silent. So Nabiki continued. "You see, I just don't have the money, I can't afford a child. If only I'd saved the money I'd made this school year maybe . . ."  
"If money is what you need, we'll help you!" Akane cried. Nabiki had to fight her grin. Oh they were playing right into her hands. Sweet! Too sweet even!  
"Hey! Hey wait a minute, are we forgetting who we're talking to?" Ranma protested.  
"My poor pregnant sister!" Akane cried. "How can we not help her in her time of need? She'd do the same for us!"  
"If this were Kasumi I'd agree with you." Ranma said.  
"Hey!" Kasumi protested.  
"Hey!" Nabiki agreed.  
"But this is *Nabiki* we both know what she's famous for!" Ranma continued.  
"Ice cream eating record?" Akane frowned.  
"Incredible figure considering holding the ice cream eating record?" Kasumi scratched her head.  
"No wait! I know! She's famous for being my big sister!" Akane cried.  
"I thought that was what *I* was famous for!" Kasumi whined.  
"You're both wrong! Really wrong! Way off! She's Nabiki Tendo! C'mon! She's famous fer tricking people and getting their money, renowned fer her creativity in her plots! We're dealin' with Nabiki Tendo, the cold  
hearted!"   
"Well parenthood can change a person Ranma, all I'm concerned about now is little Ranko." Nabiki said with crocodile tears in her eyes. "I was going to name her after *you*, uncle Ranma, since you've got a male and female name. Ranma, Ranko, either way works." She tried.   
Ranma melted. "I . . . er . . . eh . . . that's so sweet!" He wept.  
"Besides! *Your* friend knocked her up so *you* can help!" Akane sneered.  
"My friend? Did you miss the whole "bread feud" thing?" Ranma demanded.  
Kasumi just shook her head as if she wasn't quite sure what to do. Akane grabbed Ranma and P-Chan and shoved them towards the wash room. "Go wake up the father and we'll have a big family conference. Right Kasumi?"  
Kasumi shrugged. "Right. You go too Akane, try to keep them from killing each other." When they were gone Kasumi looked up at Nabiki.  
"You know when Akane told me I wasn't sure if you were pregnant or not." Kasumi said. "When you confessed I believed it, but now, with you trying to make money off it . . . I know you're lying."  
"Well I wish that were true." Nabiki sniffed. "If only I could *afford* to keep the baby!" She began to weep.  
"Nabiki, are you actually going to try to make money off of this? A prank like this could give father a heart attack, or worse!"  
"Aw daddy isn't that old, he'll be fine."  
"If you won't think about us, then think about Ryoga's feelings!"  
Nabiki blinked. "Why?"  
Kasumi stared at her for a second. "What do you mean, 'why'? Because the poor boy will think he's the father!"  
"But he *is* the father." Nabiki grinned.  
"Of an imaginary child!" Kasumi said with one of those rare hints of annoyance in her voice.  
"I'll thank you not to talk about my little Ranko like that."  
"Nabiki . . . how could you?" Kasumi shook her head in disappointment.  
"Kasumi . . . how could I not?" She asked. "This is what I live for, this is who I *am*? if you couldn't accept that when I was born you should have petitioned god for another sister."  
"I did, and I got Akane." Kasumi chuckled, then became serious again. Kasumi shook her head. "Some times I wonder if this is really my family."  
"Don't worry." Nabiki said, patting her sister on the shoulder. "I wonder the same thing too. Hey look, I'm just going to have fun with this for a little while okay? This is what Akane gets for going and believing I'd be stupid enough to get pregnant with *Ryoga's* child! Of all people!"  
"Beg pardon? Whose child were you planning on having?" Kasumi demanded, Nabiki ignored her.  
"Besides, I can smell yen on Akane and Ranma, yen that they just don't need. Keep quiet and I'll cut you in for twenty percent." She offered.  
"No, this is going to far, this isn't funny." Kasumi warned.  
"Sure it is!" Nabiki grinned. "C'mon, laugh." Her grin became a scowl, "Who told father I was with Ryoga in the first place huh? Really funny sister dear."  
"I didn't-"  
"C'mon Kasumi, didn't you feel all warm and squishy inside when I told you?"  
"From the time you told me until the point when you said you weren't going to keep the baby, yes.I don't know what's wrong with Akane, but anyone who knows you knows that if you weren't going to keep that imaginary baby you'd keep quiet about it and tell no one."   
Nabiki nodded, acknowledging this as truth. Actually she didn't know how she'd react, and she didn't appreciate Kasumi making assumptions, especially assumptions that sounded so true.   
"And you're going to tell Ryoga it's a prank before he does something stupid." Kasumi warned.  
"Like what?" Nabiki scowled. "You think he'd leave me?" She asked, honestly wanting Kasumi's opinion but it came out sarcastic. All things considered, roles reversed she'd leave Ryoga and get some other girlfriend who wasn't knocked up.  
"No, I'm afraid he'll do something more along the lines of proposing to you." Kasumi said.  
Nabiki shrugged. "Maybe I'll wait until he does, just to see how much I'm worth to him y'know?"  
"If you don't tell him, I will." Kasumi warned. "Pregnancy, especially a fake pregnancy can ruin a person's life-I cant tell you how many times it's ruined mine, oh wait-I can: TWICE when I got two insane younger sisters!"  
"If he gets me some crappy ring I'll laugh and tell him it was a joke." Nabiki assured her sister.  
"And break his poor heart." Kasumi frowned.  
"Heck, if the ring is expensive enough, and I know he really does care maybe I'll-" Nabiki tried to ignore her older sister.  
"Nabiki!" Kasumi gasped.  
"What?" She frowned.  
"You can't be serious!"  
"Why not?" Nabiki frowned. "Maybe it'll be fun to get married."  
"You're seventeen! You wouldn't even be able to drink on your honeymoon."  
"Oh like that'd stop me. Besides, alcohol isn't good for the baby." Nabiki sneered.   
"Why can't I be an only child?" Kasumi sighed.  
"Why cant *I*?" Nabiki shrugged. Then something really weird happened, she suddenly felt very ill. "Wow . . ." She frowned. "That's not good . . ." She grumbled.  
"What?" Kasumi demanded.  
"I think I have to throw up." Nabiki said it as an observation.  
"That's not funny." Kasumi sighed.  
"I'm eh . . . not joking." Nabiki grumbled, and she really wasn't.  
Kasumi had a strange grin on her face, then she started to laugh sinisterly. Nabiki wasn't an idiot she knew what her sister found so funny.  
"Oh shut up!" She growled. "One time! It was just one time, I'm fine! It's your cooking that's got me ready to turn my stomach inside out!"  
"Oh you take that back!" Kasumi protested.  
"Can't-gotta puke blood-see ya!" Nabiki lunged for the sink.  
"No! Not the sink!" Kasumi protested, too late. "At least leave the water running! Oh I'm not cleaning this up . . . you didn't eat any of Akane's cooking did you? Hey, is that a french-fry?"  
"Shut-up!"  
"Nabiki, do you know what irony is? Or would this fall under poetic justice? I confuse the two so often. Maybe Karma?"  
"When I'm-finished, you-DIE!" Nabiki   
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
"Is that a fact?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "I'm missing school and having premarital sex, I think the boy has me hell bound!"  
"Yes! And he's so nice, and polite and handsome don't you think?"  
"Do you have a crush on my boyfriend?" Nabiki demanded icily.  
"Eh no . . . just . . . eh remember that the next time he talks to you." Akane began to cry. "And remember how much your sisters care about you!" 


	23. Is It Real?

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or Charlotte's Web (the book) I don't own CPS  
A/N: But I own Charlotte's Web the fan fiction, wouldn't it be grand if it became a spin off of the Ranma 1/2 TV series?  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 23  
"Is It Real?"  
  
***  
It was a dark, dark night. There was no electricity in the little mobile home, Nabiki lit a candle and her five children huddled around it. "What's for dinner ma?" One of them asked, she wasn't sure what it's name was or what gender it was.   
"Corn." Nabiki said, opening a can of corn and cooking it over the candle.  
"Is it Christmas?" One of her daughters gasped. "A whole can 'o corn!?"  
"Damned if I know, now eat yer vittles and go to sleep." She scowled.  
The children ate. Nabiki smoked a cigarette, this was, for all of them, a feast. "Please mother, I want some more."  
"Shut up Oliver, we ain't got no more food!"  
"Cant daddy buy more food?"  
"I'm still trying to figure out who he is." Nabiki admitted.  
"Why do our lives suck so much?" another child asked.  
"'Cause for once I cant afford nothin' but corn, candles and cigarettes." Nabiki scoffed.  
"Wouldn't we save money on candles if you just bought a flash light?"  
"We're saving! Got it sweetie? We're saving." Nabiki assured the child.  
"Why does god hate us mommy?" Another child asked.  
"It all started when I got together with that Ryoga guy–I think he fathered a good half of ya–and pretended I was pregnant and then I was and BOOM! I'm cursed! I get pregnant even without male assistance! That thar God don't like heathen liars, now y'all say yer prayers and go to sleep."   
"Gee ma, will we ever get out 'o this stinkin' mobile home?"  
"Of course, CPS will find out about you kids one of these days. Even if they don't, once I get all y'all married off you'll be out 'o my hair."  
"Married off . . . to other people right?" Oliver asked, looking at his sisters and shuddering.  
"Beggars cant be choosers, Oliver-I mean *yes* "to other people" ya darned fool!"  
***  
  
"AAAHHH!" Nabiki woke up, soaked with sweat. She looked around, spied P-Chan on her pillow and smacked him. "Jerk!" She cried.  
"Ernk?" The little pig grunted.  
"Don't play dumb with me!" Nabiki cried. "You son of a-"  
"Nabiki! What's wrong?" Akane asked, running into the room.   
"Don't ya ev-I mean don't *you* ever knock?" Nabiki scowled.  
"I thought my poor pregnant sister was in trouble!" Akane protested.  
"No I just had a bad dream! And I'm not--" Nabiki scowled, almost revealing her secret. "I . . . I mean go away and don't come back! No matter what you think you hear!"  
"Oh . . . *oh*! Right. Gotcha." Akane winked.  
"I didn't mean it like that! Oh jeez just go away!" Nabiki moaned.   
  
Downstairs Kasumi was reading up on Nabiki's . . . condition. "It says here that a pregnant woman might experience violent mood swings." She told Akane.  
  
Nabiki glared at they boy trapped in the body of a little black piglet. "This is all *your* fault." She grumbled.  
"Ernk?" P-Chan blinked.  
Nabiki had a sudden and violent mood swing. "Oh Ryoga! How can I be so cruel! I don't mean those things! I really do love you so much!" She threw her arms around the little pig, which was now very confused.  
"Ernk?"  
"Don't be that way!" She shouted, shoving the pig away. "I hate you!" She hissed.  
  
"An increase in appetite?" Akane piped in.  
  
"I'm hungry! I could eat a horse!" Nabiki yelped.  
  
"Yes," Kasumi nodded "but only for particular things." She said.  
"Huh?"  
"That means she will get cravings for certain things, not just anything."  
  
"Make that, a *chocolate* horse." Nabiki informed Ryoga.  
  
"And she will instinctively send the father to fetch these things for her, it's one of those built in instincts of nature." Kasumi read.  
  
"Find me a Chocolate horse!" Nabiki yelled, throwing Ryoga out the window with a surprised:  
"KKKEEEEE! ? ! ? !"  
Then another mood swing. "Oh! I'm so sorry honey! Are you okay? I didn't mean to throw you so far sweetie!"  
  
"Oh!" Kasumi said. "And of course, mild morning illness."  
  
"It's not even morning yet!" Nabiki screamed, running for the bathroom. "Ryoga I hate you!" She threw up. "I don't mean that! I love you!" Threw up again. "I hate you! I'll torment you for life!  
Just wait until I tell everyone I'm not pregnant!" Threw up again "'Cause I'm really not!" Again. "I . . . I think . . ."  
  
So as Ryoga the little piglet went off to search for a chocolate horse in a waking/sleeping stage, Nabiki hurled her guts out and Kasumi and Akane read up on how to be good aunts, Hand Lotion crept stealthily into the Tendo compound.  
"Don't kill, don't kill, don't kill." She reminded herself. She crept up the wall using suction cups that made a silly POP sound whenever she took a step, it made the Amazon assassin giggle whenever they did it. It really killed any chance of stealth, but it amused her. "Do not kill, do not kill, do kill, do kill do-D'oh! Don't kill! Don't kill!" She saw a lawn gnome in the neighbor's yard and threw a dagger at it "Hahah! Take that!" She fell from the suction cups and hit the ground with a groan.  
She jumped up an instant latter. "Don't kill! Don't kill! Don't kill!" She shuffled back up the wall and leapt into Nabiki's room. "Take that!" She cried, throwing a knife at the door. "Hahah-oops! Don't kill, don't kill, don't kill!" She hit her head on the wall. She tromped around, using her super acute tracking skills to find Nabiki. "Hey Tendo girls! Where is your sister?" She asked Kasumi and Akane.  
"Bathroom." They said together, not lifting their eyes from the book they shared.  
Lotion snuck stealthily to the bathroom and barged in figuring Nabiki would have nothing she hadn't seen before. She was wrong.  
Nabiki was throwing up into the sink again, and Lo-Chun had lived an unnaturally sheltered life, she never saw another woman throw up, it seemed so alien to her. Like the movie with a similar title when the little snake thing burst out of the guy's er . . . arm. (Yeah. That's it. No copyright infringement for me!) Now men threw up all the time, to keep their weight down so they'd be attractive to their women, because they had self esteem issues-really a man shouldn't have self esteem at all-but never had a woman done it!  
"Wow . . . you are really sick." Lotion noted.  
"No . . ." Nabiki gasped in mock disbelief. "You think?" She scowled and threw up again.  
"Oh-ho. Well I am The Great Amazonian Warrior Han Lo-Chun!"  
"That's great. A friend of Shampoo's are you?"  
"Eh . . . yes. Yes I am, now Shampoo and I would love it if you'd come with me and we can go have a night out on the town. Just us girls."  
"Shampoo must be stoned, she and I have never been more than acquaintances and she knows it!." Nabiki threw up again, with that simple statement Lo-Chun felt she'd lost all chance of out smarting this young woman that way. New method . . .  
"Oh-ho . . ." she said again. "In that case . . . LOOK BEHIND YOU!"  
Nabiki looked at Lo-Chun, and the young Amazon scolded herself again since *she* was standing behind Nabiki.  
"Gah! I mean look in front of you!" (WHAP) "Hahah!"  
"Ouch! That really hurt! What the heck is wrong with you? I was miserable enough, now I have a headache!" Nabiki groaned.  
"She has ungodly powers!" Lo-Chun gasped. She hit Nabiki again, this time the middle Tendo dodged, Lo-Chun thought she was again out matched but had she not been panicking she'd know that Nabiki hadn't dodged on purpose, she'd just gone to throw up some more.  
Lotion simply couldn't stand this, so she just grabbed the miserable girl, threw her over her shoulder and ran out the door, the other Tendos were too absorbed in their reading to notice.  
Then she reflected, left Nabiki puking her guts out in the front yard and went back inside.  
"You!" She said to Akane, "The short unattractive woman, tell Ryoga Hibiki that I've kidnapped his love and he wont ever find her! If he tries to look for her in the places she likes to go he wont find her because she's going to be in a place she doesn't like, and it's because she's been kidnapped! So she wont come home after a few hours, she's mine now and I'll keep her until he marries Akari or until I get bored and kill her, whichever comes first." Lotion said. The girls nodded and waved her away.  
"Right, we'll remember that, Ukyo." Akane said.  
"Who-key-what? Lotion cried, but then realized getting Nabiki to a good hiding place was far more important.  
So she took her to an abandoned house which she'd turned into a hideout after her return to Japan. It had all the modern luxuries, even a Jacuzzi in the back that Lotion loved to death. She wondered why the house's owners had left . . . it couldn't have been the threat of death, she'd only been joking about that. Still, she brought Nabiki there and tied her up and stuff.  
Nabiki was asleep, Lotion patted her on the head. "I have a little score to settle with our mutual 'acquaintance' Shampoo, and the old hag, I'll be back to torment you later, sleep well and don't even think about escaping." And with that the nefarious young assassin was off!  
  
***  
Nabiki Tendo was cleaning her home for a good ten minutes before she realized she was in black and white. For some reason this didn't seem strange, she noticed it, but that was all. She was cleaning and then her vacuum stopped working. She put her hands on her hips and sighed, but no words escaped her mouth. Then every thing went black and the words "Drat, it's broken again!" appeared.  
That's when there was a knock on the door. Nabiki went to answer it, and there stood Kinnosuke dressed up like a vacuum salesman. He opened his mouth and spoke, but again no words or sound escaped his lips. "I have exactly what you need ma'am!" The black screen read.  
Nabiki spoke too, the black screen translated her words to "Oh? Is it fully functional?" but what's she'd said was "What the heck are you doing here?"  
Reading her lines she gasped and cried out something but it wasn't in the script for her to speak, so the black screen didn't appear. Kinnosuke took a step closer to her and said, "Yes!"  
"Is it long, and wide?" Nabiki's little script asked.  
His arms went around her, "Yes!"  
"Can I have it right now?" She pleaded.  
Their faces came to be centimeters from each other, his mint scented breath blew over her face, and he said, "Yes!" He handed her a vacuum. "The X-Brand Glider, it cleans as smoothly as a cloud!"  
'As a cloud?' Nabiki thought. But the script called for them to quickly separate, then to smile at the camera and wink. "Thanks X-Brand Glider!" Nabiki said.  
***  
  
Nabiki woke up. Blinked. "I don't even want to *know* what *that* was about." She grumbled. "Where am I?"  
  
Shampoo and her great grand mother were standing on a log that crossed over a stream. It was an uncomfortable place to be, but Lotion had chosen it as their meeting place, and despite her opponent's lack of actual skill in *true* combat Shampoo wasn't interested in having anything to do with the assassin, she wasn't afraid of Lotion, the girl was a pipsqueak compared to mighty Shampoo, in fact Mousse could probably take her, it was having to speak to the little twit that drove her crazy! And her annoying habit of coming back for more over and over again until she scored some minor victory which she'd then boast about and blow out of proportion.   
Yes, Shampoo had 'lost' to Hand Lotion *once* by sneezing in the middle of the match and rubbing her nose which let Lotion kick her, then rather than deal with Shampoo's retaliation the puny girl had declared victory and run off.  
Now Shampoo was almost certain that Lotion wanted to fight over water, she didn't fear her worthless opponent, she just wasn't comfortable with the setting in general.  
That's when it happened, Lotion finally arrived. She stalked out onto the log defiantly, in each hand was a long dagger with wicked curved blades. "Shampoo!" She scowled. "Elder!"  
"Why have you called us here?" Cologne asked.  
"You know why." Lotion scowled.  
"You will never measure up to Shampoo." Cologne sighed. "I have things to do."  
"I don't care about being her fighting equal anymore old hag, there are more ways than one to be the best." Lotion said, wielding her knives expertly. Of course wielding was about the only thing she was good at, if she didn't have Akane's taste in ingredients she might have made a good cook, but no warrior was she.  
"We don't have time for this! You said you had vital information for us, and aren't you supposed to be kidnapping that girl for Akari?" Cologne sighed.  
"That's done. And I do have vital information . . . old hag-"  
"Stop calling me that, I'd like to see you look half this good at my age-if you live that long." Cologne scowled.  
Lotion seemed to grant that, and shook her head. "You tricked me!" She cried.  
"I did?"  
  
FLASHBACK  
"Please Miss. Amazon Customer, this is training ground of accursed springs, is very dangerous." The silly little man said. Lotion ignored him and leapt onto one of the poles, but unlike all the other fighters she sucked at that sort of thing, slipped right away and was falling. But she took a knife and stabbed it into the pole, halting her fall.  
She leapt back up and began jumping around from pole to pole, feeling sure that this test of balance had to be the reason people came here. Actually she found it quite boring. Then suddenly she slipped again, this time she was falling forward, her knives simply wouldn't make contact with anything except the water and-SPLASH!  
  
PRESENT  
Cologne rolled her eyes. "Ohy vey!" She sighed. Of course when she'd sent Lotion to the training grounds of accursed springs a few days ago she'd expected this, but not so soon. "Lotion, you really, *really* suck."  
"Silence old wench! I may not be a match for you, but I'll take my revenge on you by destroying your star pupil! Shampoo, prepare to die!"  
"Star pupil?" Shampoo seemed confused and started looking around for this star pupil Lotion spoke of.  
"Did you notice you're not a match for her either?" Cologne offered, Lotion paused to think about this and Shampoo kicked her into the water. "Told you." Cologne sighed. "Really, such a pretty girl, just not so very bright."  
But Lotion actually swung around the log and came up landing a few inches in front of Shampoo.  
"No!" She cried. "I wont be beaten again!"  
"You survived the first blow! You've improved . . . but not much." Cologne said, she poked the outraged silvery haired maiden with her stick and in the drink she went. She didn't come up, Cologne hoped she'd turned into something that didn't know how to swim. "Take a small bit of comfort in knowing that this time it took *two* strikes to get rid of you."  
"Great grand mother, Shampoo could have beat her!"  
"I know." Cologne said. She buried her face in her hands. "But she called me a hag!"  
"She hurt your feelings?" Shampoo frowned.  
"What? No, I was holding back laughter, after all I know I'm as beautiful as the day I was born."  
"And likely as tall." Mousse said, Cologne scowled and whacked him, she hadn't even noticed he'd come along with her and Shampoo.  
  
Lotion crawled out of the water, and shook herself off. This wasn't good, it'd be hard to explain her presence in the city now, and even harder to turn back, her cloths were ruined and she wasn't going to go around town naked, no matter how voluptuous her body was.  
'I'll get you Shampoo! And your little hag too!'  
  
Ryoga got a rather rude awakening, he realized he was lost, this wasn't at all surprising. But he was lost as P-Chan, which complicated things. How could a pig ask for directions? He was so screwed! It was dark, he didn't know which way the Tendo training hall was and worst of all he had the strangest feeling he was supposed to be finding some sort of horse.  
But soon enough an enormous shadow loomed over him. While the pig tried to figure out how a shadow can loom in the dark, a large snout came down and Mercedes the dog's terrible breath filled the little pig's nostrils.  
'Oh god! Not this!' Ryoga thought.  
Suddenly they were running, Ryoga (P-Chan) and Mercedes were having a foot race, the winner got either a nice pork dinner or continued life, Ryoga wanted prize set B.  
The enormous dog was fast, but P-Chan was faster. They ran for a good twenty minutes, both were growing tired, after all they were traveling at break-neck speed. Suddenly Ryoga crashed into something big and furry. It was . . . a chocolate horse!  
No . . . a Llama! Heck, Nabiki would have to settle for it. The Llama bent it's neck and looked at the little pig in confusion, then the dog and a strange light of understanding shone, suddenly the race had a new contender, P-Chan enjoyed a free ride to nowhere on his large chocolate Llama.  
They came to a nice looking house and barged right in, crashed through the gates and all three tumbled into a pool.  
No, not a pool, it was warm, it was a Jacuzzi! Ryoga brought his head out of the water and saw Mercedes climbing out. "When are you going to learn I become a human?" He demanded, the dog just whined. Suddenly a new face came out of the water, a white furred demon thing! "AAHHH!" Ryoga yelped.  
The young woman parted the hair from her eyes and gave Ryoga a glare that rivaled the ones he gave Ranma.  
"Just who do you think you are, running into me like that?" She demanded.  
"It wasn't my fault! There was this Llama, and a dog and . . ." He realized that there was no Llama now and this girl with him was very naked. "So . . . eh . . . accursed springs?" He asked.  
The woman scowled and got out of the Jacuzzi, she was attractive but Ryoga paid little attention until Mercedes leapt forward and barked at her. She yelped and fell back into the water and into Ryoga's arms. Nabiki came out of the house and sighed. "You again." She said to Mercedes.  
"What are you doing?" She asked, then spied Ryoga and the girl. "What are *you* doing?" She growled with an accompanying glare that put Ryoga and Lotion's hardest, most hateful glares to shame.  
"It's not what it looks like!" Ryoga said.  
"What does it look like?" The girl frowned. "Hey! I tied you up."  
Nabiki blinked. "It was you who did that? Well yes, you tied my feet together, but you left my hands free. What kind of idiot are you?"  
"Shut up! I don't usually take prisoners, it was a new experience for me!"  
"Still . . ." Nabiki shook her head. "You kidnap me, tie me up *badly* and then fool around with my boyfriend?" She raised an eyebrow. "I'm very tempted to kick your butt."  
"I was doing no such thing!" The girl cried. "And you'd be hard pressed to defeat me in battle! I am the feared assassin Hand Lotion-er I mean Han Lotion-gah! Stupid foreigners! My name is Han Lo-Chun!"  
Nabiki blinked. "Really . . . well . . ." She looked at Mercedes. "I'm tempted to leave you both out here in the cold with him guarding."  
"Then we'll just have to have sex to keep up our body heat!" Lotion cried, grabbing Ryoga.  
"Actually the water is pretty warm and-"  
"Shut up!" She cried.  
Nabiki smiled. "Hey Ryoga-honey, does this remind you of anything?"  
"No." Ryoga said.  
"Let me give you a hint." She whispered. She came over to the Jacuzzi and leaned close to Lotion and Ryoga. She reached behind her back and materialized a pair of pants. "Four thousand yen."  
"Oh right. The night I became your unwilling slave." He sighed. "Hey, where do you hide those?" He demanded, remembering the night at Azusa's when she'd materialized an outfit for him.  
"None of your darn business, you want them or not?"  
"I'll take them!" Lotion cried. "The payment you receive will be your life!"  
"Nabiki, I left my wallet in my other pants." Ryoga tried.  
"No, you left it in these ones." She assured him, reaching into a pocket Ryoga didn't even know he had and taking out a wallet. She flipped it open. She withdrew it's entire content and then gave him the pants.  
"What about me?" Lotion pleaded.  
Nabiki thought for a moment. Then materialized a shirt. "Given your height this should cover everything." Nabiki said.  
"Are you calling me short?"  
"Normally I'd charge two thousand for the shirt, but you tried to fool around with my Ryoga, so six thousand, take it or leave it."  
"I have no money!" Lotion cried.  
"Then six weeks of slavery." Nabiki said.  
"What for?" Ryoga whispered.  
"Personal pleasure." Nabiki said, patting him on the shoulder. "She hit me on the head."  
"Two weeks!" Lotion cried.  
"Six." Nabiki repeated.  
"Three!"  
"Five."  
"Four!"  
"Six."  
"But you said five!" Lotion pleaded.  
"I changed my mind." Nabiki said.  
"I'll tell you who sent me, what their plans are and how to stop them!" Lotion cried.  
"Akari, steal Ryoga away, and I don't need to know how to stop her because she'll never beat me." Nabiki said. The amazon girl slumped. But then Nabiki's mood seemed to change. "But I don't like the idea of your nudity distracting my boyfriend, so here, consider it a gift." Nabiki said, throwing Lotion the shirt.  
"You give gifts?" Ryoga gawked. Nabiki slapped him.  
The amazon climbed out of the pool and scowled. "Well you may have enjoyed yourself gazing at my poor, uncovered, undefended body, but next time it will be I who gazes upon *your* uncovered, undefended body! No wait! I don't want that! It will be I who makes you pay for-hey!" Nabiki and Ryoga were walking away. "I'm not done yet! I need to think of something cunning to say!"  
"ARF!" Mercedes barked.  
"Next time it will be I who is in control and you will beg *me* for clothing! No . . . still not right." Lotion frowned. "Hey don't go!" She pleaded.  
  
The Next Day . . . Nabiki woke up very early, much earlier than everyone else anyway. Besides Kasumi that is.  
She was pretty sure she had to be at school but didn't care, there was a lot she had to do today. She went down stairs and found Kasumi serving their guest (Lotion had followed them home, trying to think of something witty to say to them) tea. Hand Lotion was delerious for lack of sleep by now, she was jabbering on and on to Kasumi about the benefits of throwing knives to steak knives.  
"The best thing is . . . you can throw them!" She cried.  
"Yes, but you don't actually *need* to throw a steak knife, you just cut your steak with it. Though we don't eat a lot of steak in this house, we do have a full set of steak knives."  
"But do you throw them?"  
"No."  
"You should try it." Lotion said, then downed the whole cup of tea.  
"Er . . . I'm going out for a bit, I might be back." Nabiki said. Kasumi nodded and Lotion stood up.  
"I have it!" Lotion cried. "You may have enjoyed looking at my coloring book! But it will be *I* who colors the final page!" She cried.  
Nabiki waited a moment, then decided to humor her. "Oh no! Not that! Oh no!" Nabiki gasped. Lotion smirked, Nabiki then added "But can you color in the lines?"  
"WAH!" Lotion wailed and clutched the sides of her head. "Why can't I win? My head hurts! There's an alien in my guts and he's trying to destroy my brain!"  
Nabiki backed away slowly, then left. Before she closed the door behind her there was a thump, and Kasumi said "Oh no! You can't sleep there!"  
  
Ryoga woke up a while after Nabiki. It took a moment for him to realize that he was in a closet. He'd never thought his sense of direction so bad that he wouldn't find his way out of a closet but after a few minutes of trying he realized it was very true.  
"I'm stuck in the closet." He grumbled. Partially to himself, partially to see if anyone outside the closet would hear him and let him out.  
Then he decided it'd be better to find his own way out, he couldn't let Ranma tease him about this.   
But alone in the dark trying to find the door knob Ryoga started to do something that he rarely did lately and since a few days ago had tried to avoid doing all together. He began to *think* and it made him uncomfortable.  
Nabiki was pregnant and he was apparently the father. She'd get it aborted if they couldn't afford it. The problem here was that Ryoga didn't believe she'd be so open about that, something nagged at him, told him that she was either lying about that or the entire thing in general, and since Akane was so interested in her older sister's love life tricking her into telling Ryoga a lie would be all too easy.  
The problem now, Ryoga asked himself if he was thinking of ways to avoid his responsibility.  
What was his responsibility? He was still too young to be a father, yet old enough to feel up, then sleep with his rival's fiancée's older sister. Oh great, Rival's fiancée's older sister? He'd just referred to Nabiki in a way similar to the way one refers to that distant relative one only sees at reunions . . . he'd never been to a family reunion, what if Nabiki *was* a distant relative?   
And what sort of stories would he tell his children if they ever wanted to know how he and Nabiki met and fell in love? "I met your mum because she was the older sister of my one true love, Insane Old Auntie Akane, you know, that swine Saotome's wife. Anyway she made me her manservant thingy and I boned her and here you are. I'd have driven your mother to the hospital but, well you know how it is with the family sense of direction." Ryoga frowned. Another problem, his sense of direction!  
He had to get out of this closet or he'd go insane!  
  
"Where is Ryoga?" Akane wondered.  
"Who cares?" Ranma asked.  
"Good point . . ." Kasumi said.  
"Someone should go find him." Akane said.  
Everyone was silent. Finally Ranma threw his fork down. "By "someone" of course ya mean me!"  
"If its not too much trouble." Kasumi said.  
"Well it is." Ranma noted.  
"Oh . . . well then even if it *is* too much trouble." Kasumi smiled.  
Ranma sighed and stormed off. He came to the closet and checked it, sure enough Ryoga was in there. "That wasn't so hard." He decided.  
"Ranma!" Ryoga yelped. "Perfect! I was hoping I'd catch up to you!"  
"I eh . . . found *you*." Ranma frowned.  
"I've made a decision!" Ryoga announced. "I had to tell you."  
"What's that?" Ranma asked. He didn't really care though.  
"I like Akane. Her voice fills my heart with joy, and I want to sing a song to the heavens thanking them for brightening my life with her presence." He said.  
"Uh . . . good for you?" Ranma offered.  
"I love Nabiki . . . but she fills me with terrible fear. Fear and excitement and I curse the fates! Curse them for making something so obviously evil, yet so incredibly fun!" Ryoga continued.  
"That's what it means to be in love." Ranma offered, but he didn't really know or care. "Is that all?"  
"Almost done. I like Kasumi, and her cooking fills me with incredible joy. I want to--"  
"Yeah yeah, raise a song to the heavens thanking them for country music . . . wait a minute . . . you love Kasumi now too?" Ranma raised an eyebrow.  
"No, just her cooking." Ryoga said. "While I was trapped in the closet I realized I was hungry."  
"Oh-ho . . ."  
"But all these realizations made me realize something else." Ryoga continued.  
"What's that?" Ranma was getting bored. No wait . . . bored-er.  
"Nabiki is pregnant and I haven't even proposed yet!" Ryoga cried.  
"You what!" Ranma yelped. Was Ryoga actually thinking of marrying Nabiki? He was insane!  
He'd get shot down like a big yellow hot air balloon with the soviet symbol painted on it floating through American controlled air space!  
"I know!" Ryoga misunderstood. "I cant just leave well enough alone! If I'm man enough to *get* her pregnant, then I have to be . . . uh . . ."  
"Man enough to deal with your obligation to marry her?"  
"Hmm? Yeah, that sounds right." Ryoga nodded.  
"And why did you need to tell me this?"  
"I was hoping you'd beat the crap out of me, and thus beat some sense into me." Ryoga said.  
"Ryoga . . . some times I wanna raise my voice in song to the heavens . . . 'an ask them why I've got idiot friends like you." Ranma sighed.  
"No time for singing, I need your help." Ryoga said.  
"Well yeah, you definitely need help." Ranma nodded. "Professional help."  
"No time for professionals! You'll have to do, c'mon! And don't tell Akane. Or Kasumi."  
"You're kidding right?" Ranma raised an eyebrow. He frowned. Ryoga *had* to be kidding. Or insane from hunger, maybe breakfast would straighten him out, and maybe a talk with Kasumi was exactly what he needed . . . Akane might be counter productive . . .   
(Ranma's imagination)  
Akane: Oh Ryoga! You just have to marry her!  
Ryoga: Sure do.  
Ranma: Am I the only sane person?  
Akane: And once you've married Nabiki, Ranma can marry ME! And we'll all be a big happy family!  
Ranma: You mean Ryoga would be my brother?  
Akane: Yep.  
Ryoga & Ranma: NNNOOOO!!!  
(Real world)  
"I gotta tell Kasumi, this is something ya gotta talk ta her about first."  
"No time." Ryoga said.  
"In ancient times a man had ta gain a woman's father's trust and approval, then ask the chick's mom fer her hand in marriage before marrying her, since Tendo aint here, and Kasumi is sort of the motherly figure in this house, you'd best talk to her."  
"No time!" Ryoga repeated.  
"You got nine months of time, shut yer mouth and let's go talk to Kasumi . . . besides, I want to finish my breakfast." Ranma scowled.   
  
Kasumi took the news of Ryoga's decision in a stoic manner. "NNNNOOOOOO!"  
"Why not?" Ryoga frowned.  
"Because it means I'll never get to–eh . . . never mind that. Ryoga . . . there is something I need to tell you . . . something . . . terrible." Kasumi said. "You see . . . Nabiki . . . she . . ."  
"Is already promised in marriage to Kinnosuke!" Ranma cried. Everyone stared at him.  
"Then I'll kill Kinnosuke! And she'll be a widow and eligible for marriage!" Ryoga said.  
"Why did you tell him that?" Akane scowled at Ranma.  
"I . . . don't know . . ." Ranma admitted. "It was fun though."   
Kasumi shook her head. "Ryoga! Sit down!"  
"I am sitting." Ryoga said.  
"Oh . . . right. Look, Nabiki isn't really pregnant, okay?" Kasumi sighed. She expected Ryoga to be outraged and swear off Nabiki forever, but it had to be done to spare the poor boy's feelings since this was exactly what Kasumi had said would happen and exactly what Nabiki wanted.  
"She's not?" He frowned.  
"Nope." Kasumi shook her head.  
"I knew it." Ranma sneered.  
Akane was silent, she looked shocked.  
"So . . . can I marry her anyway?" Ryoga asked. Now everyone was silent. Everyone stared. Then Ranma said what Kasumi was too polite to say.  
"RYOGA YOU MUST BE SOME KIND'A DROOLING IDIOT!" He cried.  
  
The doctor patted Nabiki on the shoulder. "You'll have to be strong," she said, "because I have good news, and bad news."  
"Tell me the bad news first, so the good news can make up for it." Nabiki said.  
"Well . . . the bad news is you're not pregnant . . ."  
"Really?" Nabiki gasped.  
"Yes. But you can easily become preg-"  
"That's good news." Nabiki interjected. "I didn't want to be pregnant."  
"Oh . . . oh well then I just have good news." The doctor blinked. "You're not pregnant, you just  
have a mild and mutated form of cold."  
"Cold?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  
"Yes. But the good news is that this has been seen before in England. Now apparently you will be exhibiting pregnancy symptoms for three weeks exactly. It will stop in exactly three weeks, down to the day."  
"Well . . . that's good." Nabiki said.  
The doctor nodded. Then frowned. "You're so young." She said. "I hope you'll consider using protection the next time you-"  
"Gotta go, see ya!" Nabiki said, jumping off the examination table and rushing out the door.  
The doctor frowned. "Wait a moment . . . wasn't there something I was forgetting to tell her? Oh right! I forgot to mention that for the next three weeks she's going to be about as fertile as . . . well . . . a really fertile thing. Oh well, guess I'll just have to remember to tell her if I see her again."  
Nabiki was feeling pretty darn good about herself as she walked home. She wasn't pregnant, she was just sick, which meant she also had an excuse for the days of school she'd missed if she was clever enough to find a way to make this illness apply to all of those days. Of course so close to graduation she should probably return to school to make sure she passed with grades good enough to carry her to college . . . strangely now she desired a college that allowed pets . . . more specifically little black piglets.  
She got home and everyone was gone, except Akane. "What's up?" Nabiki asked.  
"I believedid you Nabiki! I believedid youuu!" Akane wept.  
Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "You what? Oh . . . believed me? Why did you do a stupid thing like that?"  
"Kasumi told us you weren't really pregnant!"  
"Oh . . . and you believe her over me?"  
Akane paused. Then fell to the ground. "I don't know who to believe!" She cried. "Well one of you is lying to me!" Nabiki looked at Akane as if she were an idiot, and the younger girl shrugged. "Yeah. I know it's you." She admitted.  
"Well by all means believe Kasumi, she's telling the truth." Nabiki smiled. "I'm not pregnant, I made sure, I'm just throwing up and stuff because I'm sick . . . I'm not sure what to blame this strange craving for a chocolate horse on, but I digress-"  
"What does that mean?" Akane asked.  
"Never mind. Where is everyone?" Nabiki asked.  
"Oh poor Ryoga!" Akane cried.  
"What?" Nabiki blinked.  
"He's so confused and stuff. You've done something really bad this time Nabiki, and you're going to pay for it." Akane said.  
"Yes, I have heard of this 'hell' but do not believe it exists." Nabiki smiled. "Don't you have school to go to?"  
"Er . . . right. Well . . . what about you?"  
"I havent decided if I'll go or take a sick day." Nabiki chuckled.  
"You know I really think Ryoga has been a good influence on you." Akane noted.  
"Is that a fact?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "I'm missing school and having premarital sex, I think the boy has me hell bound!"  
"Yes! And he's so nice, and polite and handsome don't you think?"  
"Do you have a crush on my boyfriend?" Nabiki demanded icily.  
"Eh no . . . just . . . eh remember that the next time he talks to you." Akane began to cry. "And remember how much your sisters care about you!"  
"What's going on? Spill it!" Nabiki scowled, turning on her sister in an instant. A woman who so often betrays looks for betrayal at every turn.  
"Eh . . . nothing is going on!" Akane cried.  
"Nothing . . . or something?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Eh . . . I . . . Oh I cant take it!" Akane cried. "You're too smart for me!"  
"It works? I should try that one." Lotion noted, coming out of the kitchen with a cup of tea.  
Nabiki ignored her. "Tell me everything you know!" She demanded of Akane.  
"Kasumi is planning a surprise party for you after school. She's gonna cheer you up over your non-pregnancy because even if you're evil she loves you! We love you so much!" Akane started to pound on the floor. She jumped up. "I'm making the cake."  
"And what does that have to do with Ryoga?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  
"Eh . . . he doesn't know you're not pregnant?" Akane offered.  
"Poor pitiful boy." Nabiki sighed. "Do you know where he is now?"  
"Yes. Wait a minute . . . no." Akane nodded.  
Well . . . Nabiki went off to her room. She now knew to pretend to be surprised and also knew not to eat any cakes.  
  
Meanwhile Akane was amazed with herself. "I fooled Nabiki! HAH!"  
"Is that good?" Lotion asked.  
"She's a super genius . . . most of the time . . . kinda stupid now . . . must come with falling in love."  
"What makes you think she's in love?" Lotion demanded.  
"Well why wouldn't she be?" Akane asked. "You've seen that boyfriend of hers and the way she acts around him."  
Lotion shrugged. "Dunno. I personally think he's too short."  
"I thought they were the same height . . . we'll have to have them stand back to back."  
"No, I think she's taller." Lotion said.  
"Nuh-uh!" Akane cried. "Nabiki is shorter!"  
"You want to bet?"  
"Yeah! But I warn you, I haven't lost a bet in weeks! I'm on fire!"  
Lotion poured a bucket of water over Akane. "I have just extinguished the flames."  
"Yeah right."  
"Okay. Then let us make this bet. I bet she doesn't love him, and you'll bet she does."  
"Deal!" Akane signed a paper after skimming it.  
Lotion chuckled. "Really, how could you think your sister even cares about this Ranma person when she's so obviously in love with this Ryoga person?"  
"What? I was talking about Ryoga!"  
"The paper says Ranma."  
"GAH!"  
"Told you I doused the fires." Lotion chuckled.  
"Nabiki gave you that one, didn't she?"  
"Actually it was Kasumi." Lotion laughed.  
"Why are you still here?"  
"I . . . forget . . ." Lotion scratched her chin. "I think it has something to do with a coloring book."  
  
Meanwhile . . .  
"And so you see, that's why I want to marry Nabiki, even if she isn't pregnant." Ryoga finished.  
"That's beautiful! Just beautiful!" Ranma wept. "And if I marry Akane, we'll be like brothers!"  
"Yeah!"  
The two macho martial artists wept together. Kasumi rolled her eyes.  
"Well I can see nothing wrong with him physically." Dr. Tofu said. "He's just stupid."  
She was in awe. Ryoga was simply determined to marry Nabiki, poor stupid boy. He even had Ranma backing him now! "Am I the only sane person here?" She demanded.  
"No, of course not!" Ryoga cried. "I'm perfectly sane."  
"You want to marry my sister!" Kasumi cried. "Not the sweet violent maniac one either, you want the power hungry future C.E.O. of the planet!"  
"I wouldn't really call her 'power hungry'." Tofu noted. "Money hungry maybe, but not power hungry."  
"Whatever!" Kasumi cried. "Ryoga, she doesn't even care about you!"  
"Sure she does, she just has a strange way of showing it." Ranma said.  
"You're not helping, Saotome!" Kasumi warned.  
"Oops!" Ranma shrunk. "Sorry."  
"Why are *you* so set against me marrying her?" Ryoga asked.  
"It's not that I don't wish you both worlds of happiness," Kasumi explained, "it's just you're both too young. Furthermore this is all part of Nabiki's plot. Do you want to play right into her hands?"  
"Resistance is futile." Ryoga shrugged.  
"That's just what she wants you to think!" Kasumi said.  
"The talking walrus is right, you are a bit young." Tofu nodded.  
"Walrus?" Kasumi frowned.  
"Shh!" Ranma whispered. "We told him you were a walrus wearing a Kasumi costume, since we didn't want him to rip Ryoga's head off while examining him . . . as fun as that might be to behold . . ."  
"Oh-ho . . ." Kasumi nodded.  
"Hey! I know what ta do!" Ranma cried.  
"That's a first." Kasumi, Tofu and Ryoga said together.  
"Shaddap!" Ranma scowled. "Listen, Kasumi we just let Ryoga ask Nabiki and she'll say no. Even if she says yes, when yer pop gets home he'll say no, and Ryoga will get bored with it as a cat gets bored with a dead mouse."  
"Cats tend to *eat* dead mice." Kasumi noted.  
"So let him eat his own idea." Ranma shrugged.  
"Why does it seem like this plan will backfire?" Kasumi asked.  
"Maybe because I'm sitting right here and I heard every word of it!" Ryoga waved.   
Kasumi nodded. "Yeah, that's probably it. Well let's give it a shot, we just have to get Ryoga to promise not to do that depression fueled attack thing he does if she says no." Kasumi said.  
"Aww . . . I like doing that." Ryoga slumped.  
"Promise me!" Kasumi warned. "We already have a hole in the wall and no father at home to fix it!"  
"Oh alright, I wont blow anything up if she says no." Ryoga sighed. "But she won't say no, I know she won't!" He said happily.  
"I so hate to burst your bubble . . . oh well, I'll start preparing dinner."  
"It's early mornin' in fact I gotta get to school soon." Ranma frowned.  
"Oh . . . brunch then. I have to cook *something*." Kasumi frowned. "That's how I deal with stress . . . oh poor Ryoga. Either he'll become my brother-in-law or he'll die of grief."  
"Would you guys please stop referring to me in the third person?" Ryoga asked.  
"Hmm? Oh sorry, I forgot you were over there." Kasumi frowned.  
  
Nabiki was watching a soap opera with Lotion when Ryoga and Kasumi showed up. "Where were you two?" She asked.  
"We went to see Dr. Tofu." Kasumi said. "And then we dropped Ranma off at school. Akane said you were staying home today, is it because of the baby?" Kasumi asked.  
"Baby? Oh . . . that . . . yeah, whatever." Nabiki shrugged. "Why did you go to see Dr. Tofu?" she asked.  
"To have Ryoga's head examined, we think he might be insane."  
"I'm standing right next to you, I can hear you!" Ryoga yelped.  
"He seems sane to me." Lotion noted. "It is this Gray person who is insane." She said, pointing at the TV.  
"No, that's his evil twin." Nabiki said.  
"Oh! Oh well then it makes perfect sense." Lotion said.  
"If you say so . . ." Nabiki frowned. She turned back to Kasumi. "So is he sane?"  
"Tofu cant find anything wrong with him, but I tell you he's gone completely and utterly mad."  
"Still standing right here." Ryoga noted.  
"Oh! Ryoga, there you are!" Kasumi said.  
"Eh . . . yeah." Ryoga nodded.  
"I . . . really must go cook something." Kasumi sighed.  
Nabiki shook her head. "Wow. Kasumi sure is stressed about something, you must be the cause if she's forgetting you're around."  
"Yes . . . yes I am. She's very stressed because of me . . . do you know why?" Ryoga asked.  
"How could I?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  
"Eh . . . right. I er . . . well eh . . . I was going to do something she said was very stupid." Ryoga said. "That's why she thinks I'm insane. But I'm not! I'm sane! Sane I tell you!"  
"You're not convincing me." Nabiki said.  
"Me either." Lotion added. "Now, this Claudia woman, she is Gray's long lost mother, but she's only ten years old!"  
"Yeah, I don't know how that one works." Nabiki nodded. She turned back to Ryoga. "So what's this insane thing you want to do? Go sky diving?" Nabiki asked. "'Cause that sure would be neat . . ."  
"It would." Ryoga nodded. "But that's not what I had in mind . . ."  
"Oh . . . well what is it?" Nabiki sighed. It was now a commercial so Lotion was paying attention too.  
"Maybe I should write it down . . . that way I don't have to say it." Ryoga sighed.  
"Don't do that!" Kasumi came out of the kitchen covered in flour. "You have to ask her, and it has to be perfect! And you have to say it in a really romantic voice and-hey! You!" She pointed at Lotion. "Get in here and help me bake cookies!"  
"I can't cook!"  
"Then you're going to learn!" Kasumi warned. "By god you're going to learn!" Lotion submitted and Kasumi nodded to Ryoga. "There, now do it!"  
"I eh . . . guess I better . . . before Kasumi makes me bake cookies too." Ryoga frowned.  
"Well then . . ." Nabiki pressed. "What were you supposed to ask me?"  
"Eh . . . hmm . . . I wanted to know if . . . that is . . . hey Kasumi, need any more help in there?"  
"You dug your grave Hibiki now lay in it . . . then you can come help me." Kasumi said. "After your funeral . . . at which I will cry."  
"I'll cry too!" Lotion said from the kitchen. "Hey, what are these?"  
"Egg beaters!"  
"And where are these eggs to be beaten?"  
Ryoga looked nervous, he was acting insane. Finally he said "Can we eh . . . do this in your room?"  
"Aha! So THAT is what this is all about!" Nabiki cried triumphantly. "I've got you figured out Ryoga-honey, and as much as I'd like to comply it's just too early in the morning for that."  
"I'm not trying to have sex with you." Ryoga noted.  
"Then I really *don't* have you figured out." Nabiki frowned. "Okay, let's go." She led him to her room and then locked the door . . . just in case y'know?  
"Okay sweetie, we're alone, Kasumi and Lotion are baking and that ought to take at least twenty minutes . . . plenty of time."  
"I told you, this isn't about sex!" Ryoga yelped. "I mean . . . okay, yeah in some ways it is but in general it isnt."  
"Oh . . . is this about the baby?" Nabiki frowned.  
"Sort of." Ryoga nodded. "It stared out that way, but then I realized that baby or no baby this is what I want. I think."  
"You think? Will you just tell me what you're talking about?"  
"Okay . . . uh . . . so Nabiki . . . you wouldn't want to . . . get married would you?" He asked.  
Nabiki's jaw dropped . . . "Well . . ." she said. "The answer to *that* question can only be . . ."  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
"I can disguise myself as *anyone* and anything!" Tsubassa scowled.  
"Since when?" Ranma sneered. Tsubassa just slapped him.  
"Who's your daddy?" Tsubassa cried.  
"Quit it!"  
"Who's your daddy?" Tsubassa slapped him again.  
"Stop it!"  
"Who's your daddy?"  
"WAH!" Ranma ran off crying and Tsubassa followed. 


	24. Stuff Happens

Disclaimer: I don't own the Electric Slide, I cant even *do* the Electric Slide. It's only mentioned in the story, but I felt I should disclaim, so you don't sue me over a song I cant even dance to properly. You know who you are . . .  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 24  
"Stuff Happens ..."   
  
"Well . . ." Nabiki said. "The answer to *that* question can only be . . . well I mean . . ." She sighed. "I'm not pregnant you know? I was just trying to scam everyone, it didn't work so let's just forget about it."  
"I eh . . . already knew that." Ryoga noted.  
Nabiki blinked. "And . . . you asked me anyway?"  
"Yeah."  
"Are you crazy? Or just stupid?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Like I said, baby or not this is what I want." He shrugged. "I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and then see about bribing god into letting me spend the rest of eternity with you. Maybe I really did go insane . . . I feel a lot better now. I think I'll go bake cookies!" He enthused.  
"You're not going anywhere!" Nabiki growled. "I haven't given you my answer yet."  
"Wasn't it 'no'?"  
"Of course not!" Nabiki scowled.  
"Then . . . what's your answer?" Ryoga asked, he looked as nervous as Nabiki felt. "I mean, maybe marriage is a big step, we've been together for a short time, only been on one date-maybe this is just infatuation or however it's said."  
"I don't care how it's said, because you're not saying it again." Nabiki warned.   
"Right-but we've been on one date, just one, and then we . . . anyway the more I think of it, the more I think it's a bad idea, and I just don't want to ruin your life and-"  
"Do you *want* me to say no?" She raised an eyebrow.  
"Eh . . . no, I don't . . . so you're accepting?" Ryoga looked confused.  
"I eh . . . don't know . . ." Nabiki found for once she really didn't know what to say. She'd wanted to say 'yes' but she was not about to get married at seventeen. Especially to a guy who would probably get lost on the way to their wedding. She knew she should say 'no' but she didn't *want* to say 'no'. "I need to think about this one . . ." She grumbled.  
"Eh . . . okay." Ryoga nodded. "I think that's best."  
"I wonder how those cookies are coming along." Nabiki said, to change subject.  
"We should check." Ryoga said.  
"We *have* to check, what sort of people would we be if we didn't?" Nabiki asked. "Really cruel, evil people, that's what kind. Eh . . . you sure you didn't bring me up here for sex?"  
"Pretty sure." Ryoga nodded.  
She sighed. "Just checking."  
  
"You may have enjoyed using up the minutes on my cellular phone, but it will be I who pays the bill . . . no . . . I don't even *have* a cellular phone!" Lotion grumbled to herself.  
"Okay, that is starting to get creepy." Kasumi noted.  
"Oh? Wait that's it! You may have enjoyed my creepiness, but it will be *I* who is - no, no I cant even *do* anything with that!" She cried.  
"Then don't." Kasumi sighed. "Okay, pass me four eggs."  
"Here." Lotion handed Kasumi something.  
"What the-what are these?" Kasumi asked. They didn't feel like eggs. She looked at what the younger woman had passed her and sighed.  
"Eggs . . . I think." Lotion nodded.  
"These are onions!" Kasumi informed her.  
"Use them!" Lotion cried. "Let us experiment!"  
"Uh . . . no . . . just give me some eggs." Kasumi sighed.  
"Right. Now . . . what do they look like?"  
"My god woman, have you ever *eaten*?"  
"Eaten what?"  
"Eaten at all! How can you not know what eggs are?"  
"I eat only the hearts of my enemies!" Lotion cried.  
Kasumi looked at the girl and sighed. "You are kidding . . . right?"  
"Yes. My diet consists of whatever I can get for free." Lotion explained. "Some times I must rob people . . . but alas, 'tis the life of the assassin. Many people offer me food in exchange for silence, but I have yet to be *that* hungry."  
"You poor child!" Kasumi gasped. "I'll feed you if you shut up." Kasumi offered.  
"Yes, that's what they all say and–hah! You may have enjoyed calling me a poor child, but it will be-"  
"Don't do that." Kasumi warned.  
"Sorry." Lotion sighed.  
Kasumi watched the poor girl attempt to cook and tried to keep from screaming. Lotion put too much vanilla extract because it "smelled beautiful, like a bunny" and then used white chocolate chips and milk chocolate chips together because it was "ethnically diverse" and then she threw in marshmallows because they were "fluffy, like mice!" and at last tossed in a bit of peanut butter, saying "Your recipe calls for butter and a half cup of chopped nuts. By using peanut butter we kill two high profile targets with one knife."  
"Don't you mean two birds with one stone?"  
"You cant kill a bird with a stone! I've tried!" Lotion cried. She used normal eggs thankfully, but  
she used six of them rather than four because she liked cracking them. These cookies would be interesting if nothing else.  
The time had come to stir the batter. "Here, use this." Kasumi said. "It's electric!" She giggled, then began humming the "Electric slide".  
"No . . . no thank you, I believe a knife will be better."  
"For stirring?" Kasumi frowned.  
"You doubt me?" Lotion cried.  
"Use the beater." Kasumi said.  
"Let me use the steak knives! I'll show you how to throw them afterwards!"  
"No thank you, I like not knowing how to throw them." Kasumi tried to be polite, the fact was she didn't feel like steak knives needed to be thrown at all. Maybe she was just weird, but that was what she believed.  
"But you'll never kill anyone that way!" Lotion gasped.  
"Uh . . . you're so right. I tell you what. Use the egg beater and I'll let you teach me how to throw knives." Kasumi said.  
"Yes ma'am!" Lotion enthused and began using the eggbeater. She struck the mixing bowl with it a few times. Kasumi sighed.  
"You put the metal things in, and then press this button. It will mix the ingredients. Do not lose control of it."  
"Right on!" Lotion pressed the button and everything was going fine. Until she let it go, clapped her hands together and said, "A job well done!" then everything splattered all over her face and she was forced to quickly regain control. She was very lucky that she was the only thing that got dirty, if Kasumi had had to clean the kitchen Lotion would learn just how deadly the eldest Tendo daughter could be, even without steak knives.  
"Need help in there?" Nabiki asked.  
"What? Oh no! Of course not!" Kasumi squeaked. She turned to Lotion. "Bake well my young apprentice, I will return." Kasumi rushed out of the kitchen and steered Nabiki and Ryoga away from the kitchen and sat them down. "Oh my! Oh my! Tell me, how did it go? You did ask her, right?" She asked Ryoga.  
"Er . . . yes." The lost boy shrugged.  
"You poor thing! You poor thing! It'll be okay! I know it all looks dark now, but the sun *will* rise!" Kasumi said, hugging Ryoga tightly.  
"Er . . . Kasumi . . . I didn't say 'no' . . . and don't hug my boyfriend like that, I don't want him getting ideas." Nabiki frowned.  
Kasumi blinked. She tried to say something, but didn't. She blinked again. Then glared at Ryoga.  
"So you convinced her to be your wife eh? Well listen here Hibiki, you take good care of her or I will cut out that pleasure giving tongue of yours, and then rip your brains out through your nose, but not before I castrate you and-"  
"I didn't say 'yes' either." Nabiki interrupted.  
"Oh! Sorry Ryoga." Kasumi said. Ryoga looked strangely pale. "So what did you say?" Kasumi asked.  
"I said . . . I needed to think about it." Nabiki shrugged.  
"And by 'think' you mean . . . eventually say no?" Kasumi was all but pleading.  
"No. I mean actually think about it." Nabiki shrugged.  
"Nabiki!" Kasumi gasped. "Why is it that I am the only person who sees why you two cant get married?" For once, Kasumi felt like she was the smartest person in the room.  
"I see why we cant, I see that we shouldn't, but I also feel that we must, and see why we should." Nabiki shrugged.  
"What are you going to do when you go to college?" Kasumi asked.  
"What do you mean?" Nabiki sighed.  
"Well you'll miss out on all the orgies and such." Kasumi offered.  
"That is true . . ." Nabiki frowned. "I'm not really one for the idea of orgies anyway. You think I want to get sexually transmitted diseases?"  
"You wouldn't even be able to drink at your wedding!" Kasumi tried.  
"Well I didn't plan to drink at my wedding anyway. I'm not making his job any easier." Nabiki grinned.  
Kasumi threw her hands up in defeat. "Fine!" She sighed. "Fine then, be that way. But consider that he doesn't even have father's permission."  
"That's true. But father wont be home for another two weeks right? Plenty of time for Ryoga and I to make a decision, and *if* my answer is yes, do you think father can stop me?"  
Suddenly the door swung open and Soun walked in. "Hello girls! I'm back!"  
"GAH!" Nabiki yelped.   
Kasumi got up and rushed over to their father. She barely recognized him, his long hair was cut-and cut badly. "Father!" She enthused. "How good to have you home! Please don't kill Ryoga!"  
"Gee . . . this is great daddy . . . and here I was, not expecting you back for another two weeks." Nabiki said, recovering her composure.  
"Yes well . . . I came home early." Soun said. "Now . . . why would I want to kill Ryoga?"  
"Because he and Nabiki are-" Kasumi began, but Nabiki threw a hand over her mouth.  
"Don't listen to her!" Nabiki cried.   
"Eh . . . oh-ho. Well, girls I've missed you all so much . . . when auntie Nodoka gets here, tell her you *don't* want to move to Hawaii."  
"Yes sir!" Kasumi giggled.  
"Oh joy." Nabiki said with forced enthusiasm.  
"Okay, I've wanted to ask for a while now, what does "castrate" mean?" Ryoga finally opened his mouth.  
Soun raised an eyebrow, and gave Kasumi a look as if to say 'what the heck is he talking about?'  
  
"The assassin has failed." One of Akari's underlings said. "Nabiki is still with Ryoga, and she still lives."  
"Is the assassin dead?" Akari demanded.  
"No . . . she was . . . eh . . . drinking tea and watching TV the last time I checked."  
"Oh phooey, she lived." Cologne sighed.  
"Traitor!" Akari screamed. "I need someone I can trust will do the job!" Akari cried.  
"Azusa knows just the some one!" The girl with the curly hair cried.  
"Who? Who!" Akari demanded.  
"Azusa knows some ninjas who work for her some times."  
"And?"  
"And they kidnaped Charlotte for Azusa lots of times!"  
"But I don't want Charlotte!"  
"Charlotte is what she calls Ryoga." Cologne interjected.  
"How would you know that?" Akari demanded.  
"I know everything." Cologne shrugged.  
  
"And so you see, the ship moved faster when we played musicc" Soun explained.  
"Oh-ho . . . but even then, how did you get back so quickly?" Kasumi asked.  
"Yeah . . . about that . . ."  
FLASHBACK...  
"Okay, if getting home quickly is so important to you," Nodoka said, "I'll have sex with the emergency helicopter pilot so he'll take you back to Japan."  
"You WOULDN'T!" Genma cried.  
"Honey, it's an emergency, a friend needs me to do it."  
"That's quite alright, if that's the only way, then I can wait." Soun said.  
"Oh . . . that's too bad because I already did it." Nodoka said. "Off you go Tendo!" She waved him off, Soun got into the helicopter and left Nodoka and Genma, the latter was shouting and pulling imaginary hairs from his head, the former seemed not to notice.  
PRESENT DAY  
"Eh . . . you don't need to know how I got back so quickly." Soun decided. "And eh . . . neither one of you is allowed to associate with Auntie Nodoka until you are twenty one . . . and even then, sparingly."  
"What ever floats your boat." Nabiki shrugged.  
Soun began to laugh uproariously. "HAHAHA! It's funny! It's funny because I was on a boat! HAHAHAHA! How does she come up with this-you're grounded." He said suddenly devoid of humor.  
"What for?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "Making a joke?"  
"No, you're grounded for getting yourself pregnant."  
"Oh daddy, don't be silly!" Nabiki chuckled. "I can't get *myself* pregnant! Ryoga helped."  
"GAH!" Ryoga yelped.  
"Well in that case, Ryoga, you're grounded!" Soun said. He felt very pleased with himself.  
"Uh . . . father, Nabiki isn't pregnant." Kasumi said. "It was a misunderstanding."  
"Caused in large by *you* and you're overactive imagination." Nabiki added.  
"Huh?" Soun frowned. "Why didn't you say so before?" He demanded.  
"You didn't ask." Nabiki shrugged. "You just proclaimed me grounded."  
Soun scratched his head. "But you are seeing Ryoga? I did not imagine that?"   
"Yes. We're together, it's a somewhat untraditional relationship, but I think he enjoys it." Nabiki shrugged. Soun frowned. He glared at Ryoga.  
"Do you enjoy it! Are you enjoying this relationship?" He grabbed the young man by the collar of his shirt, "Tell me you're not enjoying it! You cannot be enjoying it! Are you enjoying it? ARE YOU!?!"  
"Cant remember, too scared." Ryoga said, averting his gaze and making Soun feel positively superior.  
"Are you two sleeping together?" Soun asked, dropping Ryoga.  
"No."  
"No."  
"Yes."  
"Who said yes?"  
"Kasumi?" Ryoga asked.  
"Kasumi?" Nabiki asked.  
"It was me." Kasumi confirmed.  
"So you *are* sleeping together!" Soun raged. "The dishonor! The shame!"  
"We don't!" Nabiki protested. Then she laughed, "okay, okay, we are. But not like you think, it's just like how Akane used to let P-Chan sleep with her, Ryoga sleeps as P-Chan, easier for us to both fit in my bed this way."  
"As P-Chan? My daughter is sleeping with a pig?" Soun cried.  
"Akane did it." Nabiki pointed out.  
"Yes but . . . she didn't know . . . he was just a pervert! And besides . . . I don't . . . oh fiddlesticks!" Soun sighed. He looked at his daughters and the boy who'd slept with at least one of them. He scowled.   
"Why then did Ryoga actually believe you when you told him he was the father of your child?" Nabiki shrugged.  
"Well that hole in the wall is pretty bad." Soun said at last.  
"Really?" Nabiki looked at it. "I forgot it was there."  
"I thought we fixed it!" Ryoga frowned.  
Soun blinked. 'What are those two *doing* together that they'd forget something like that? He better not be introducing her to any drugs! I always knew that boy was a pill popper! Corrupting my youngest-eh oldest-eh middle child! He will pay!" Soun scowled. "Thank you for volunteering boy, now go fix it!" He said sinisterly, slapping Ryoga on the back.  
"Wha? Me? But I-"  
"You *are* the family slave." Nabiki noted.  
"But I don't know how to fix holes in walls!" Ryoga said.  
"You fixed my door. I'm sure it's roughly the same principal." Nabiki said.  
"Hey!" Some one cried form the kitchen. "When do I get to stop doing this?"  
"Oh my!" Kasumi gasped. "The cookies!" She rushed off to the kitchen.  
"Cookies?" Soun decided to follow her.  
There, in his kitchen was a young woman who resembled shampoo slightly-excepting that her breasts weren't so voluptuously large, and her hair was white. She was wearing one of Ryoga's shirts and what looked like a pair of Ranma's Chinese pants. Her feet were bare save for several bracelets on her ankles. Soun gawked and pointed. "Akane! What have you done to your hair? And . . . have you had breast implants? And you're skinnier! And your hair!"  
Kasumi and Akane(?) looked at him, then each other, then blinked. "Erm . . . Father, this is-" The new girl interrupted Kasumi.  
"The *Feared* Amazonian Warrior, Han Lo-Chun!"  
"Hand Lotion is it? Well very nice to meet you."  
"WHA? Why does everyone think my name is Hand Lotion? Is it my pronunciation or something?"  
"No, it's just easier to remember." Kasumi smiled.  
"She's got you there." Soun nodded. "Now . . . you're not sleeping with my daughter too are you?"  
"What?" Lotion yelped.  
"You're grounded!" Soun cried.  
"But I-"  
"She's baking cookies father," Kasumi explained, "and she's not sleeping with any of your daughters . . ."  
"Cookies?" Soun nodded sagely. "All is forgiven."  
"But she *was* fooling around with Ryoga in a hot tub!" Nabiki interjected.  
"Hmm? I did what? Hey! THAT'S why I followed you back here!" Lotion cried. "I was trying to think of something clever to say!"  
"Eh?" Soun was confused now. "Well then for flirting with Ryoga, you're confined to this premisis until you have baked five hundred cookies."  
"Once these cookies are finished, you will hear the most clever, witty retort ever!" Lotion cried.  
"A retort has to be said quickly, after about half a day it's too late for your comeback to be a retort." Nabiki said.  
"You may enjoy calling my retort a comeback, but it will be I who bakes these cookies!"  
"Sounds fair." Nabiki nodded.  
Lotion threw her fist into the air in triumph. "Hah! Victory for Lo-Chun! I've . . . no wait! That wasn't right!"  
  
Ryoga set about making preparations to repair the wall, suddenly two men in black stood near the hole. "You! Ryoga Hibiki!" One of them cried.  
"We have come to take you to our new employer!" The other said.  
"Oh boy!" Ryoga groaned. "Why the heck does this have to happen to me?"  
"Come quietly, or we take you by force!"  
Ryoga scowled. "Who is your new employer?"  
"We cannot tell you that!" The first ninja cried.  
"Well fine then!" Ryoga scowled. "Try to take me by force, but I warn you, I'm the greatest fighter in the country!"  
  
Suddenly Ranma leapt up in the middle of class and shouted, "No yer NOT!"  
"Ranma!" Hinako cried. "What are you talking about?"  
Ranma blinked. "I don't know!" He gasped.  
  
The two ninjas lunged in, Ryoga dodged to the side and tried to kick one of them, but the bugger dodged, and whipped out a huge flail. "Where did you hide that?"  
"I'm a ninja!" The ninja informed him. "The greatest master of concealed weapons in the world!"  
  
Suddenly Mousse leapt up in the middle of cleaning the pigsty that had until so recently been his room and shouted, "No you are NOT!"  
"What you talking, stupid Mousse?" Shampoo demanded.  
Mousse blinked. "I do not know!" He gasped.  
  
Ryoga leapt aside, avoiding the flail, the spiked end smashed into the wall, making the hole even bigger.  
"Our comrades are in prison thanks to you and that insane person on the motorcycle!" The second ninja said. "We took this job for free!"  
"How's that going to help you restore your cult?" Ryoga blinked.  
"Hey!" The second ninja cried. "He's right!"  
"We'll worry about that later!" The first ninja scowled. "For now, GET HIM!"  
There was a streak of silver, and suddenly one of the ninjas-the second one-was pinned to a tree, a butcher's knife holding him in place by a shirt sleeve.  
"I *told* you! They were meant to be thrown!" Lotion chuckled.  
"Oh my god!" Kasumi groaned. "Will he live?"  
"I just got his outfit! There's no blood!" Lotion cried.  
"The pain!" The ninja screamed.  
"It's just a flesh wound!" Lotion cried.  
"My spleen!"  
"Wow . . . Ryoga, you're screwing the wall up even worse!" Nabiki shouted.  
"We've been spotted!" The first ninja cried, he lunged for Ryoga with the flail again, Ryoga dodged and then kicked the ninja in the back, he flew through what was left of the wall.  
"Well daddy . . . you always said you wanted a second patio." Nabiki offered.  
"I never did!" Soun cried. He began to cry. "My house! My beautiful house!"  
"There, there," Lotion said, patting Soun on the shoulder. "The important thing is that your insurance will take care of this."  
"The insurance company cancelled the contract two weeks after Ranma moved in!" Soun cried.  
"Hmm . . . in that case at least your son is alright."   
"He's not my son!" Soun glared at Nabiki, "Is he?" He said accusingly, Nabiki just shrugged.   
"Oh . . . you know what?" Lotion asked.  
"What?" Soun wept.  
"He's not your son, you've got no insurance, and you don't want a second potato-"  
"Patio." Kasumi corrected.  
"Same difference. Anyway, all that considered . . . you are screwed."  
"I know!" Soun cried.  
"Actually daddy," Nabiki began, "Ryoga did propo-"  
"Finish that sentence and collect from his will!" Kasumi warned.  
Nabiki looked truly stricken, Ryoga could both tell she considered both options (her father's continued survival, and collecting a portion of his possessions) to be appealing.   
BING!  
"My cookies!" Lotion cried. "They're burning!" She ran off in a panic.   
Ryoga blinked. The ninjas blinked. They looked at each other. The two ninjas just shook their heads in sync and walked off.  
Ryoga looked at the mutilated wall, then at Nabiki and Kasumi, both of whom looked really annoyed. That was nothing new for Nabiki, but when you annoy Kasumi you know you've really screwed up. Soun of course was still crying.  
"Eh . . . it wasn't my fault?" Ryoga offered.  
"But you are going to fix it." Nabiki warned.  
"Eh . . . right." Ryoga nodded.  
"Then we're cool." Kasumi nodded. She turned to Nabiki. "Shall we?"  
"Indeed." Nabiki nodded.  
They went off to the kitchen. Soun stood up and scowled. "My wall!" He cried. "It's been ruined!"  
"We can fix it!" Ryoga protested.  
"We? WE!" Soun screamed.  
"I meant me! Me! Myself! I can fix it!" Ryoga cried.  
"You better!" Soun scowled.  
"I don't suppose now would be a good time to ask you for some building materials." Ryoga noted.  
"GAH!" Soun screamed and fell to the ground twitching.  
"But you're rich aren't you? Cant you hire some one to come fix the wall?"  
"I spent most of my money building in Hawaii!"  
  
"Eat the cookie!" Lotion insisted.  
"No . . . I don't think I will." Kasumi said.  
"Eat it!" Lotion pleaded.  
"They *are* very good!" Nabiki blinked.  
"Truly I am amazing!" Lotion chuckled to herself.  
Kasumi took a bite of one of the cookies . . . it was incredible! It was like there was a party in her mouth and everyone was invited . . . the cookie was incredible! "This is great!"  
"Because I'm amazing!" Lotion snickered.  
"I didn't think they would turn out this good!" Kasumi said.  
"Why not?" Nabiki asked.  
"Well she put onions, peanut butter, marshmallows, and cheddar powder in them."  
Nabiki blinked. She looked at the cookie. The horrified look on her face however evaporated and she shoved the rest of her cookie into her mouth. "Out of sight, out of mind." She said after she swallowed it.  
"And into mouth." Kasumi noted. "I pity Ryoga."  
"Why?" Nabiki asked.  
"He has to kiss you, and you're eating onion cookies."  
"Actually, I want to call them marshion cookies." Lotion said.  
"Martian cookies?" Kasumi blinked.  
"Marshion. Marshmallow-onion cookies!" Lotion cried. "Oh, and don't worry, I balanced out the onions with toothpaste so it's all good."  
"Okay . . ." Nabiki blinked. "I could deal with cheddar powder, onions and marshmallows but I draw the line at toothpaste."  
"I guess you don't want to know about the gummy bears . . ."  
"I thought I tasted gummy bears!" Nabiki blinked.  
"Where did you even get gummy bears?" Kasumi demanded.  
"Oh I can get whatever I want." Lotion shrugged.  
"How?"  
"I cant tell you that!"  
"But I thought you grew up eating whatever was free!"  
"I did. I still survive that way." Lotion smiled.  
"But then how do you get gummy bears?"  
"They were free." Lotion shrugged.  
Nabiki blinked. "And where might one acquire free gummy animals?"  
"Oh I can get *all kinds* of junk food for free. Pretty neat huh?" Lotion winked.  
"Hey! That *is* neat!" Nabiki exclaimed.  
"You see ever since I came to Japan I found this gummy factory, and they like to throw away all sorts of stuff that only looks mildly spoiled."  
"I . . . I don't . . . know what to say!" Nabiki gasped. "I . . . I think I'm going to throw up!"  
"Do not worry, I know how to make a smoothie that will cure whatever ails you!" Lotion cried.  
"But you'd never cooked before today!" Kasumi cried.  
"Yes. Yes, but while I baked the cookies there was so much left over stuff I thought it'd be good to make them into a smoothie."  
"Don't you need ice cream for a smoothie?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  
"Indeed. We shall send your male servant to fetch some." Lotion said.  
"Oh don't call Ryoga that!" Kasumi squeaked.  
"No wait! I like that! Hey! Male Servant person! Get over here!"  
"Nabiki, I'll just get the ice cream." Kasumi said.  
"Why? Don't think Ryoga can do it?" Nabiki huffed.  
Kasumi shook her head. "No, I'm sure he can, it's just that by the time he gets there and back a month or so will have passed."  
"And the ice cream . . . would have melted." Nabiki nodded. "Very well Kasumi, off you go!"  
  
later that night . . .  
Kasumi looked around nervously, everyone seemed pretty tense. Most everyone had a reason too.  
Ranma because he had to help Ryoga and father fix the wall, (which was not finished yet) Akane because she wanted to tell father that she'd been the first one to know about the baby, but at the same time since everyone knew by now that there was no baby, it'd be rather stupid to announce that you were the first moron to fall for something.  
Nabiki was tense because father kept making comments about how she could do better, and about how she'd burn in hell if she'd lost her virginity out of holy wedlock, father was tense because some one was seeing his middle daughter whom he was now vocally lamenting not having spent enough time with, and of course Ryoga was tense because he was the one seeing Soun's middle daughter.   
Kasumi wasn't sure why Lotion was tense, probably because she still hadn't thought of something witty to say, and she'd once again forgotten what the subject was. This girl . . . her memory . . . Kasumi couldn't remember anyone with a memory this bad . . . she'd probably forget her name if she didn't keep introducing herself to everyone she met. She was also sensing some bad blood between Akane and Lotion, the former tensed into a fighting position whenever the latter picked up the butter knife. Lotion, in a mix of her obsession with knives, and teasing Akane, was fooling around with the blade almost nonstop.  
Kasumi sighed, and realized she herself was pretty tense. She didn't know why . . . maybe she just needed to get laid. She wondered what she'd done with Dr. Tofu's number . . .(A/N: Just KIDDING!!!)  
Suddenly Soun slammed his fist down on the table. "That's it! Akane! Are you still a virgin?"  
"Nuh-yeah." Akane blinked.  
"Ranma! You are no longer allowed to marry Akane!" Soun said.  
"One down!" Ranma cried, he whipped out a little piece of paper with Akane, Ukyo, and Shampoo's faces on it forming a triangle. He crossed out Akane's face and laughed maniacally.  
"And yet you must inherit the Tendo Dojo! Damnation! Well just know that you're never allowed to have sex with her!"  
"Damnation!" Ranma agreed, and wiped the big red X off Akane's face-apparently it'd been washable.   
"Nabiki! What is that on your neck?"  
"It's a scarf daddy."  
"It's Ryoga's! Is that a testament to your undying love? A symbol of your pledge to each other? Is it?" Soun screamed.  
"Eh . . . yeah I guess it is." Nabiki shrugged. "I just think it looks good on me."  
"I have over a hundred-" Ryoga was trying to explain, "Ranma has one too, he stole it but it's okay, I mean it was just--"  
"I wont have it!" Soun screamed. "So you are seeing my Nabiki, Ranma, and one hundred other women?"  
"N-No!" Ryoga yelped.  
Kasumi sighed as father tried to strangle Ryoga. Everyone found it very amusing except Lotion who shouted advice to both parties. Terrible advice, no wonder Shampoo beat her ass so often.  
"Don't squeeze so hard! If he cant breath he wont know he is doomed! Don't struggle with your arms and legs, try to set his hair on fire with your mind! You can do it!"  
Kasumi smiled weakly. That settled it, Ryoga just had to marry Nabiki, daddy was strangling him, he was part of the family now.  
  
That night-when everyone went to sleep, the 1/2 cast was assaulted by very strange dreams.  
  
Ranma's Dream . . .  
Ranma was running through a field of beautiful wild flowers with Akane, they were dancing, singing, and eh . . . erm . . . kissing. Then when they kissed Akane turned into Ukyo, this was even better. Ranma kissed deeper. She turned into Shampoo, this wasn't so good, Ranma tried to stop kissing, but now Shampoo was inhaling his face. Then Shampoo turned into Kodachi, and Ranma was paralyzed.  
Then the unimaginable happened. As Ranma thought of how much Kodachi resembled Kuno . . . Kodachi *became* her brother Tatewaki Kuno.  
"Ahh! Ahh!" Ranma cried. "Get off me! I aint even a girl!"  
"Oh pigtailed girl! Of my reputation I care not, all I desire is your presence in my bed." He paused. "Eh . . . with me in it too." He added.  
"I figured s'much." Ranma scowled. "Cant ya even see I aint a woman?" Ranma said, ripping his shirt off but suddenly (BOING) he was Ranko . . . and in bed with Kuno . . . in a rather passionate kiss . . . "AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"  
Though Ranma's scream filled the entire house, Kasumi's dreams went on undisturbed . . .  
  
Kasumi's Dream . . .  
"Yeah! Being evil rocks!" A black leather and chain wearing Kasumi growled, smashing an Australian beer can on her forehead. She jumped on her motorcycle. "Let's RIDE!" She cried to her gang.  
"Eh . . . I have a motorcycle too." Tofu said. "And a jacket. I'm pretty bad ass."  
"Bad is right you ass!" Kasumi cried, she pulled out a 'nine and 'capped the good doctor. "Bake *me* cookies!" She cried, and off she rode into the distance with her gang, planning to T.P. a church, then throw eggs at an orphanage.  
  
Strangely that brought a grin to Kasumi's lips, and she smiled in her sleep, but . . .  
  
Lotion's dream . . .  
"At last! Finally! The day has come!" Lotion cried to Shampoo. "It is about time you acknowledged me as the superior fighter I *so* am!"  
"Shake Shampoo's hand?" Shampoo asked.  
Lotion scoffed and shook Shampoo's hand-"Ouch!"  
"Hah! Now Lo-Chun *must* find cure!"  
"Find cure for what?"  
"There no cure? Shampoo not want turn into baloney!"  
"I don't either!" Lotion yelped.  
"I delicious!" Shampoo screamed. "Taste!"  
Lotion licked Shampoo's hand, then licked her own. "I'm delicious!"  
"We both delicious! We eat each other, yes?"  
"We what?"  
Shampoo lunged forward and started licking Lotion *all over.*  
  
"CCCCAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!" Lotion screamed, waking from her sleep. "Wait . . . only a dream! It was only a dream! I am alive! I am alive! And I do not taste delicious! I am not delicious!" Lotion all but sang.  
"Who're you trying to convince?" Ryoga grumbled from the other side of the dojo where the two were sleeping.  
"You!" She cried. "You heard nothing! If you try to eat me I will slit your throat!"  
"Eh?"  
"I am not delicious!" Lotion cried. "I am straight! Straight!! And delicious in no way whatsoever!"  
"I believe you." Ryoga yawned.  
"I am not! My body tastes the same as any other woman's!"   
"Meh." Ryoga went back to sleep.  
"It is true!" Lotion cried. "Don't make me prove it! Oh you dirty minded male thing! You'd just love to gaze upon my poor, naked . . . HEY! That's it! That is why I came here!"  
But Ryoga was asleep . . .  
  
Ryoga's Dream . . .  
"Daddy! I got an A on my history paper!" Ryoga's daughter said.  
"So what? I got an A on my English, and Math." Said Ryoga's other daughter.  
"That's great kids!" Ryoga said. "How about a reward?" He handed his first daughter ten dollars (not yen) then his second daughter twenty.  
"Why does Stacy get more?" The first one demanded.  
"Eh . . . because she got two A's." Ryoga said simply. "You try harder next time, and you'll get a better reward."  
"But I tried my hardest this time, and showing favoritism to your second daughter will only discourage me from trying harder in the future!"  
So Ryoga gave her another ten.  
"But father!" The one called Stacy said, "if you give her more money for less work, it might discourage me from maintaining a level of excellence similar to the one I do now, as I shan't have to continue bringing home two A's because you just gave us the same amount of money, even though I deserve twice as much."  
"Huh?"  
"Long sentences confuse father . . . leave him vulnerable . . ." His third daughter said, jotting it down on a little memo pad.  
"What that means daddy, is why should she get the same amount of money if I did twice as well?"  
"You're right . . . eh . . . here." Ryoga handed her another twenty.  
"But now I, your third daughter don't have any reward at all, and I might not feel inspired to work to achieve one!" The third child tried.  
Ryoga's mind twisted. "Shouldn't *not* having a reward motivate you to try to earn one?" he asked.  
"You're a mean daddy and I hate you! I will hate you forever!" The girl cried.  
"Eh-here's five dollars."  
"I will only stop hating you when you die!!"  
"Ten . . ."  
"I suppose I'll come to your funeral."  
"Twenty!" Ryoga scowled.  
"Thank you daddy! I love you so much! Even if you're not my real daddy!"  
"I'm not what?" Ryoga asked.  
"Whoa!" Number one cried.  
"Hey!" Stacy said. "She got a reward for doing nothing! While we get nothing for doing everything!"  
Ryoga looked around frantically. He saw Nabiki shaking her head looking amused. He shouted a curse and just threw the girls his wallet. "I'm no good at this 'parenting' crap and you know it!" He shouted accusingly at Nabiki. "They're your daughters! *Your* daughters!" He ran off and threw himself out a window, screaming hysterically.  
  
Ryoga woke up, rubbing his head. Lotion had gone back to sleep. He looked around, the dojo was dark and for some reason he was now more afraid than ever to marry Nabiki. He wondered what she dreamt about . . .  
  
Nabiki's Dream . . .  
"You!" She shouted, pointing at MiniMouse, "Stop being jolly!"  
"Eeek . . ." The little floating mouse thing squeaked.  
"Ryo-GIR!" Nabiki shouted, a little silver robot dressed up like Ryoga with big cute green eyes appeared. "Prepare the teleporter!" Nabiki cried. "I cant wait to beam the hu-mans to the almighty shortest as slaves!"  
"CHICKEN! Tee-hee-hee! I made mashed po-tay-toes!" Ryo-GIR giggled.   
Nabiki blinked. "Yyeessss . . . and muffins." Nabiki nodded. "NOW prepare the teleporter!" She cried.  
"Mommy!" A girl barged in, she was . . . so cute! She looked just like Nabiki as a child, except she too had one of Ryoga's bandannas around her neck. She also had fangs like Ryoga's.  
"What is it . . . eh . . . child?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Are you supreme emperor of the world yet?"  
"I'm working on it." Nabiki assured her daughter.  
"Oh . . . because there is a mean girl at school who pushed me, and says you're just insane, and that you're never going to conquer the world."  
Nabiki handed her daughter a laser rifle. "Then make her silent my child, make her silent."  
  
Nabiki grinned wickedly in her sleep, until Ryoga shook her awake. "Hey!" He whispered. "Wake up!"  
Nabiki blinked. Rubbed sleep from her eyes. Looked around. "What do you want?" She demanded acidly.  
"Nabiki . . . I . . . I . . ."  
"Oh god! Not now honey!" Nabiki moaned. "I'm so tired!" Ryoga gave her a genuinely confused look. She sighed. "So . . . again . . . you're not here for that . . ."  
"Why do you think I am?" Ryoga demanded, understanding what she'd meant.  
"I dunno, just seems strange we've only done it once. We should have sex again Ryoga."  
"Later." Ryoga said nervously. "Nabiki . . . I . . . I . . . I . . . I-"  
"Spit it out!"  
Ryoga closed his eyes as if he was afraid of what he himself was going to say. "I'm . . . I'm leaving."  
"You're . . . what?" Nabiki blinked.  
"I'm in love with Akari . . . I cant be with you."  
Nabiki blinked. "You damn well better be joking!" She scowled.  
"I wish I were. You're too possessive, too over protective. I should be protecting you-but you wont allow it. We are too different you and I, Akari understands me, and she likes pigs. I have to go."  
"But . . ."  
"I hate to do this to you, with the baby coming and all . . ."  
"The baby?"  
"Yes, I know what you must think of me. You have every right."  
"Who are you? What are you playing at? You're not Ryoga, I already told him the truth about the baby!"  
"The truth? Of course I know the truth." Ryoga said. "I'm so sorry I wasn't more careful sweetie. If only I'd pulled away a moment sooner . . ."  
"Ryoga . . ." Nabiki said, hiding her skepticism, "Do you remember what I told you today?"  
"Oh . . . eh . . . of course."  
"It was lovely."  
"Eh . . ."  
"I've never seen anything prettier." Nabiki continued. "I . . . suppose you want it back?"  
"Right . . . well eh . . . yeah . . . eh . . . what exactly?" Ryoga asked.  
"The engagement ring."  
"Engagement ring?" 'Ryoga' yelped. "You two were *that* serious?!"  
"Aha! You're you not Ryoga at all!" Nabiki growled. " While he *did* propose there was no ring! Hah! Who are you? What are you trying to accomplish?"  
"I'll never tell!"  
"Who are you?" Nabiki demanded again.  
"Never!"  
"Who are you!" Nabiki grabbed the imposter by the collar."  
"I would rather die!"  
"Who are you!" Nabiki screamed, acting as if to punch the impostor.  
"I can't stand to be asked the same question three times! Tsubassa! It's me! Tsubassa!" Nabiki punched him anyway. "Ouch!"  
"I asked you who you were four times!"  
"No! The first question was 'Who are you?' then your second question was 'What are you trying to accomplish?' and then three 'Who are you?'s"  
"What are you trying to accomplish?"  
"I'll never tell you!"  
"What are you trying to accomplish? What are you trying to accomplish?"  
"I'll never-darn! Three times! Akari hired me, promising me a date with Ukyo if I could convince you Ryoga was in love with her, so you'd dump him and kick him out! The disguise was so good! So good! It was so hard to adjust my voice! So hard! Tell me my acting was good! Tell me it was goooood!"  
"Akari! That *horrible* girl!" Nabiki scowled. "That's it! This means WAR!"  
"Yay! A war!" Lo-Chun cried, running into Nabiki's room.  
"What's going on?" Kasumi asked. She, Soun, Ranma, Akane-heck, everyone had come into the room now. Nabiki sweat dropped and glared.  
"Akari is trying to split me and Ryoga up!" Nabiki scowled.  
"Oh is that all?" Soun chuckled. "Noble man this Akari."  
"Akari is a girl, father." Kasumi said.  
"Oh . . . yes . . . the pig farmer right?"  
"Why is Ryoga in your room?" Akane asked, winking. Nabiki threw a pillow at her.  
"It's Tsubassa! Disguised!"  
"I didn't know ya could disguise yerself as Ryoga!" Ranma blinked.  
"I can disguise myself as *anyone* and anything!" Tsubassa scowled.  
"Since when?" Ranma sneered. Tsubassa just slapped him.  
"Who's your daddy?" Tsubassa cried.  
"Quit it!"  
"Who's your daddy?" Tsubassa slapped him again.  
"Stop it!"  
"Who's your daddy?"  
"WAH!" Ranma ran off crying and Tsubassa followed.   
Nabiki glared around the room. "That was . . . odd." Kasumi said at last.  
Nabiki scowled. "Where is Ryoga now?"  
"Oh . . . the male servant? He woke up in a stupor talking about chocolate horses so I sent him to sleep in the living room." Lo-Chun shrugged. "I didn't see him there when I came up here."  
"My Ryoga is out wandering around? He could be anywhere! And with that Akari wench out trying to-we've got to find him!" Nabiki cried. "He could be in China by now!  
"Leave me alone!" Ranma cried, running by Nabiki's door.  
"Who's your daddy?" Tsubassa cried as he chased Ranma by the door.  
The door poor Ryoga had fixed not so long ago . . . Nabiki's heart ached for her beloved! "I'm going to make Akari pay!" She cried. Then she lied down.  
"Are you going to sleep?" Kasumi sounded surprised.  
"Duh! I'm sleepy." Nabiki said. "Besides, I've probably got like two seconds before this morning sickness crap kicks in."  
"You were full of fire a second ago!" Soun cried in surprise. "Now you fear morning sickness?"  
"Being full of fire is tiring." Nabiki explained. "And I do so love to sleep when I'm tired."  
"My daughter, you're beloved is wandering the streets, likely he'll be abducted by Akari!"  
"Yeah . . . that is pretty bad. I guess I'll have to break *both* her legs." Nabiki yawned.  
"But you're not even a martial artist!" Akane cried.  
"Yeah . . . I'll get Kinnosuke to buy me a sledge hammer in exchange for a date."  
"But if you love Ryoga why would you date Kinnosuke?" Kasumi demanded.  
"Oh you'll understand some day." Nabiki yawned. "I don't have to love some one to date them, let alone empty their wallet . . ."  
"And Kuno says *he* has a twisted sister." Akane scowled and Nabiki's room was emptied.  
Shouts of "Who's your daddy?" and "Cut it out!" lulled her to sleep.  
  
"Wow!" Akari blinked. "Nabiki kicked him out sooner than I'd expected!"  
"Yes . . . well my plans never fail." Cologne shrugged.  
"Your plan?" Akari raised an eyebrow. "It wasn't even your plan!"  
"Yes . . . and that is why it shall fail."  
"Who cares? Now I don't have to eat Katsunishiki!"  
"BBRRUUUNNTT." The giant pig grunted, Akari patted him on the side.   
"That's right!" She said happily. "Now lets go get Ryoga!"  
  
Ryoga yawned and traveled through the yard . . . where was the living room? He was outside now, he wasn't so bad he didn't know that. But it was dark so he couldn't figure out which door was the Tendo's door, one led to the dojo, one led to the house . . . one led to the street . . .  
But he didn't have to choose because Akari showed up next, riding Katsunishiki. "Ryoga! Oh Ryoga! Fancy meeting you here!"  
"Eh . . . yeah."  
"Hey! It's such a lovely night, why don't we go out on a date?" Akari asked.  
"It's ten o'clock!" Ryoga looked at his wrist, "Eh, eleven o'clock."  
"You're not wearing a watch silly!" Akari giggled.  
"R---ight." Ryoga nodded. "Eh . . . hey, can you sort of help me get back to the Tendo place, I'm pretty sure I'm in their yard . . ." Ryoga said.  
"Oh silly, this isn't their yard! This is . . . Ukyo's yard. So, get on Katsunishiki, and I'll take you home!"  
"Gee thanks!" Ryoga said. "This is really nice of you-wait a minute! Ukyo doesn't have a yard like this! In fact Ukyo doesn't-"  
"Get him!" Akari cried, and from out of nowhere a bunch of rabid fan girls leapt out and tied him up. "Heh heh heh! Maybe Nabiki has an *amazing* body, maybe she has intelligence, and maybe she *thinks* she's your girlfriend, but I'm the one who has you tied up! Hah!" Akari cried.  
Ryoga blinked. "Eh . . . you know . . . this is sort of extreme . . ."  
"That's because I am extremely in love with you!" Akari giggled.  
"R---ight . . . can you let me go now?" Ryoga asked.  
"NO!" Akari cried. "Now my minions, let us take him back to the farm! Onward! Hah!" She jabbed her heels into Katsunishiki's side, the giant pig roared and bucked her off, she landed face first. "Ouch! Curses! Now we've been heard! Let's go!" She jumped back on the pig and off went the RHFC.   
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
Eventually Ryoga and Kasumi were the only people still at the table, she cleared everything away, Ryoga decided to break the silence so he asked, "Kasumi, were you at one point the town's most infamous whore until you ended up on the wrong end of a ten on one?"  
Kasumi's jaw dropped, so did the plates she was holding. 


	25. Ask Again Later

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2. Wish I did. I don't. You know this. I don't own RISK. I don't own the game show Banzai. Jedi and anything else to do with Star Wars is also not my property.  
  
(though I wouldn't really call it a 'game show')  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 25  
Ask Again Later . . .  
  
It was a fancy little hut, traditional Japanese place with sitting mats, a low table and tea. Akari served Ryoga, who wasn't incredibly thirsty anyway. Akari had put a collar on him, attached was a leash she held in her hand. Ryoga could see the headlines-no, the comic book series Akari the Kinky Kidnapper, move over Alice in Under Pants Drink up Ryo-chan   
What did you just call me? Ryoga frowned. He smelled the tea, it smelled normal, but he didn't want to risk drinking it.  
Do you prefer Ryoga-kun? Sweetheart? Love Muffin perhaps? Or maybe 'Ryoga-honey' yes I heard *her* call you that. Is that what you prefer? Akari asked. She didn't let him answer-even though he was actually going to ask how she'd heard Nabiki call him that since she didn't call him that very often-instead she continued talking. Aha yes, well Ryoga-honey, we've got quite a bit to accomplish tomorrow, but I thought we could spend the night getting reacquainted before going to bed-you haven't slept with her have you? She was lying about the baby wasn't she? TELL ME   
Eh . . . if by 'her' you mean *Nabiki* then yeah, she was lying about the baby.   
Oh That is so good to know Akari sighed. My Ryoga kept himself pure just for me   
Eh . . . okay, the way you said that sounded so *incredibly* creepy. Ryoga said.  
Oh I'm so sorry Ryoga-honey   
Eh . . . it's okay. Ryoga said.  
You're so generous Such a wonderful man *She* will never love you the way I will love you, she'll never appreciate you the way I'll appreciate you   
That is probably true. Ryoga nodded.  
So why not take me instead? Akari pleaded.  
I ah . . . don't really want to take anyone anywhere. Ryoga said. I don't know where *I* am half the time He laughed, Akari laughed too, and then she shook her head violently.  
You know what I mean I'd be a better girlfriend than Nabiki Tendo could ever be   
Ooh You said her name Cologne chuckled from a corner.  
Silence Akari squealed. So it's settled, Ryoga and I are now boyfriend and girlfriend.   
Don't I get to decide who I love? Ryoga asked.  
Of course not you silly boy Akari giggled.  
Didn't you used to be shy? Ryoga asked.  
Yes, well I'm still a virgin, I believe the two things are connected, to remedy one I must remedy the other.   
Well Eh . . . I guess you're off to a good start on that . . . maybe . . . Look Akari, you are a very special girl-   
Yes Yes I'll marry you Akari cried.  
I'm eh . . . not proposing to you . . .   
Oh . . . right. You're right Ryoga-honey We are married souls, we don't need a ceremony   
Eh . . . okay, whatever. Anyway, you are real special . . . and *really* out there-eh I mean out there somewhere is the perfect guy for you. Maybe he's lost, he might have a really bad sense of direction . . . but he isn't me. I am already in love with Nabiki, I don't know why but I am."  
Oh silly Ryo-Chan-oops, I meant Ryoga-honey-I know how you feel about that girl. That is why I went through the trouble of bringing you here against your will. You will never escape, and even if you do, you will never find your way back to Nabiki Tendo.   
So it takes me a few minutes . . . hours . . . alright, days to get where I'm trying to go, but I *do* get there eventually. Ryoga said in a huff.  
Oh don't get me wrong Ryoga-honey, I know you do. Akari said. Then, with dramatic pauses she said very slowly, I just . . . feel that if you . . . stay with me for a little while . . . you'll come to love me as much as I love you.   
That is so sweet Cologne said, wiping an imaginary tear from her eye.  
Silence Akari cried. She looked at Ryoga. For you, my love, I have prepared . . . a poem. Ahem-for longer than I can remember, I've been looking for someone like you, someone who can be a man, and turn into a little piggy too, birds sing, flowers bloom, try to escape and that collar will go KA-BOOM She pointed at the collar on Ryoga's neck.  
WHAT Ryoga yelped, even Cologne looked a little surprised.  
Did you like it? Akari squeaked.  
No Ryoga yelped, trying to get the collar off. I'm going to die   
Now Ryoga, that wasn't very nice Akari said with a pout. I worked really hard on that poem, and it was just for you, my Ryoga-honey. You need to learn to think about other people's feelings, no dinner tonight.   
It's sunrise Ryoga protested.  
No breakfast either. Akari said coldly, and she strolled out of the room.  
Cologne blinked. You know . . . this reminds me of this movie I saw once, where this famous writer was imprisoned by a fanatical fan.   
What happened? Ryoga asked.  
She drugged him, broke his legs, killed a guy, in the end he had to smash her head in with a . . . I think it was a pig actually.   
I can do that Ryoga said with enthusiasm. Then frowned. No . . . No I couldn't hurt Akari, even if she has gone nuts . . . I don't suppose you could help me, could you? He asked.  
I could. Cologne said. But what is in it for me?   
My eternal gratitude. Ryoga said.  
Not good enough. Do not worry, I will ask her not to break your legs as I leave.   
What did I ever do to you? Ryoga groaned.  
  
The Next Day . . . er . . . well *that* day since it was sunrise . . . eh . . . I'M CONFUSED   
Okay, I can find your boyfriend for five hundred thousand yen, I'll catch him for a total of one million yen, and I'll kill him for a total of one million five hundred thousand yen. Lotion said, taking a sip from her tea.  
How about only doing the first two, and maybe doing them for free? Nabiki asked.  
No . . . I don't think that I will. Lotion said. I demand payment   
If you do it for free, I wont tell everyone that you were defeated in combat by . . . hmm . . . Gosunkugi. Nabiki said bluntly.  
The young assassin blinked. I . . . I was not   
But whom will they believe? Nabiki asked simply. Me, or the assassin who only *looks* like she knows what she's doing?   
Who is this Gosun-cootie? Lotion blinked.  
Never you mind, just do as I say. Nabiki said. Everyone does as I say and we get along fine. Akari is trying to defy me, and for that she will be punished. Punished so painfully, I'd pity her if it were possible for me to feel that emotion for the wench who tries to steal my boyfriend.   
I do so love to punish things Lotion agreed. I have special knives just for that purpose.   
Nabiki frowned. What woman obsesses over knives?   
An assassin Lotion said proudly.  
And what woman stares hungrily at Ryoga- Nabiki was cut off by the assassin.  
A woman with bad taste. Lotion sneered.  
and Kasumi at the same time? Nabiki finished.  
Eh . . . not me?   
Oh really . . . Nabiki grinned.  
But . . . but that's not fair   
You hit me on the head, now you're my play thing for life. Nabiki said calmly.  
Lotion blinked again. But it was a job And . . . and you . . . ahh Not fair Not fair Not fair Why am I complaining? I didn't fully understand your threat.   
Nabiki sighed. I should have known. I am going to tell everyone that you are in love with Ryoga and Kasumi at the same time. That you are bisexual, do you understand now?   
Yes Wait a minute . . . no.   
That means you like girls and boys at the same time.   
But I do not really like your boyfriend.   
I know, I wouldn't send you after him if I even suspected that you did. Nabiki said. Actually I don't think very many women can see in him what I see. Now that I think of it I'm not entirely sure what I see either . . . must have grown attached to him or something . . . meh.   
I am confused now Lotion cried.  
Don't be, my instructions are simple, you're just going to-eh . . . excuse me Nabiki ran off to puke her guts out, but only made it so far as the sink, Kasumi was going to be pissed. Lotion laughed maniacally.  
Ha-ha I have defeated you   
You-ahh-what? You did no-ahh-such thing   
Didn't I? Didn't I? Lotion teased. Are you sure you're not really pregnant?   
Just illness . . .   
Oh-ho . . . maybe the doctor you saw was a fool. I think you're pregnant. And besides, you are getting fatter.   
You just-ahh-met me the other-ahh-night Nabiki cried.  
Oh . . . right.   
Hey Nabiki shouted. I forgot to go to school   
Are you just realizing this now? Lotion asked.  
Eh-ahh-I was-ahh-to busy thinking about-ahhhhhh -Ryoga   
Aha . . . forgetfulness is a symptom of pregnancy. Lotion smiled.  
Like YOU know Nabiki groaned. Go away   
Ah yes. Very well then. I shall seek out your lover, and bring him back for torture and meat testing, then you shall praise me PRAISE ME   
Meat testing? Nabiki blinked, but Lotion dashed out of the room.  
  
Another game my darling? Akari asked, and she shoved a cracker down his throat.  
Old Marc Dowel's Farm Yard Animals doesn't really interest me. Ryoga admitted.  
But look, I painted the piggies black with little orange and black scarves just like you She cried. When you transform that is. Oh don't you think they are adorable? Akari asked, batting her eyelashes at Ryoga.  
Well s-sure. I guess. Is there something in your eye?   
No. Akari sighed. She shoved another cracker down his throat.  
Look, I really do think you're great Akari, we can be great friends just like we were before . . . ah . . . before you went insane-   
That's not nice Another cracker   
I couldn't think of a gentler way to put it Ryoga protested. Anyway I really cant stay, I have to go, you always took my being in love with Akane in stride, cant you just deal with my liking Nabiki too?   
I never took it in stride You hid it from me and when I found out I was crushed and started the RHFC   
Ryoga blinked a couple times. Oh yeah Now I remember. Who was it that took it in stride? Hmm . . . Oh Ukyo   
Why should Ukyo care if you like Akane or Nabiki? She's in love with Ranma Akari blinked, then she shoved yet another cracker into Ryoga's mouth.  
She didn't . . . she didn't care at all *because* she was obsessed with Ranma . . . I wonder why I confused you two . . . Ryoga scratched his chin. Must be the chest binding.   
I don't bind my chest Akari cried.  
Oh . . . oops? Sorry about that, my mistake.   
Sorry? What do you mean sorry? You mean you don't like my body the way it is? I can get implants like Nabiki   
Those were implants Ryoga choked on a cracker.  
Well I'd suppose they'd have to be, she and Kasumi have such ridiculous proportions while only Akane has a realistic chest.   
Eh . . . I don't think they were. The way she is, I don't think Nabiki would spend her money on implants, and it's not the sort of thing I can imagine Kasumi doing . . . ever.   
You didn't know? She's the greatest whore in the town, she inherited the position from Kasumi two years ago, after Kasumi ended up on the wrong side of a ten guy on one girl love feast . . . got the 'whore' screwed right out of her, so she settled down and let Nabiki take over. You have to spend money to make money, they both had implants. Come to think of it I bet that isn't even Nabiki's real nose   
She isn't a whore Ryoga snapped, I know *that* for sure because she was still a virgin when I . . . eh . . . no never mind . . . stop glaring at me But eh . . . I don't know about the nose so I'll let that one slide. As for Kasumi, well even if it annoys me so, I can still understand you having a beef with Nabiki, what with my being in *love* with *her*, but Kasumi never did anything to you.   
Are you in love with her too? Akari cried. Why should they matter? The woman you love just told you something, are you not going to believe her?   
'Nabiki hasn't said anything to me since I was kidnaped.' Ryoga mused, but knew what Akari meant. Look, dragging them through the mud to make yourself look better isn't very ladylike, and I could never care for a lady who wasn't ladylike . . . not after knowing Ranma for as long as I have.   
You're right Ryoga-honey. Akari sighed. I'm sorry, I'll be more ladylike, I promise.   
Eh . . . that's good. Could you take the collar off?   
You might try to escape Akari cried.  
I wouldn't do it on purpose, but what if I needed to use the bathroom and with my sense of direction wandered off and then exploded? Our love could never be fulfilled Akari   
You're right . . . well okay I-   
He can ring a bell whenever he needs to go somewhere, that way he wont get lost and you don't have to worry about him escaping. Cologne said.  
Hey That's right How wonderful Akari cried.  
How long were you sitting there you old mummy? Ryoga scowled, Cologne whacked him.  
Since the discussion about implants, I must say Ryoga now that it's been mentioned Nabiki has a nose that hardly resembles anyone else in the family. Either it's her mothers, or Akari speaks the truth.   
Nice observation . . . but-I-don't-care Ryoga cried. It's not her nose I'm in love with   
Of course not. Cologne shrugged. It's the implants you're after.   
You want to talk about plastic surgery, tell me, just what cup size is Shampoo? Ryoga demanded.  
Ryoga Akari cried, she shoved a cracker into his mouth. Stop talking about other ladies' boobies   
All the women of our tribe are well endowed.   
What about that Lotion girl? She's *barely* endowed Akari said exactly what Ryoga was thinking.  
Cologne was silent for a moment. We like to pretend she doesn't exist.   
That's mean Akari cried.  
If you'd spend more than a few seconds with her, you'd understand why. Cologne scowled. Son-in-law thinks he has it bad with Sword Boy Kuno, but that boy is *nothing* compared to the most feared assassin in all China Her laugh is what really gets me Haha I swear if ever I hear it again I'll-   
Haha Someone cried form just outside, Ryoga, Akari and Cologne rushed to the hut's small window and saw an attractive amazon-Lotion, reunited with her own clothing and shoes, and her spare set of knives after a visit back to the hide out-doing violent battle with Katsunishiki.  
You are lucky pig, I will not slaughter a beast needlessly, but once I learn how to cook pork and start fires I will be feared by man and pig alike Feared I say   
Katsunishiki just ate her. Cologne groaned. Bring her here Katsunishiki Akari cried.  
The giant pig tromped over, spat the young amazon out but instead of Hand Lotion there was . . . a Llama.  
So that is what she transforms into. Cologne chuckled.  
Funny, I didn't know pig saliva was cold. Ryoga said. Katsunishiki spat on him and he became P-Chan. 'You want a peace of me? I can take you down ' The tiny black piglet glared up at the sumo pig. Katsunishiki was the size of a truck, P-Chan was the size of a kitten . . . Place Bets NOW   
Banzai   
Betting ENDS   
P-Chan opened up with his Patented Piggy Bouncer attack, Katsunishiki opened his mouth and tried to chomp down but P-Chan smacked him straight between the eyes using his own little body as a weapon. Katsunishiki oinked and Akari cried out for them to stop, through this Cologne was laughing at Hand Lotion and the Llama looked pretty annoyed at having just lost her second set of cloths as well as her only spare set of knives.  
P-Chan bit one of Katsunishiki's ears, the pig rolled over and tried to squash Ryoga, Akari came out of the hut and demanded they stop, Katsunishiki rolled off and revealed P-Chan who was fattened like a pancake, but with a pop the little piglet was ready for more   
But before the match could resume Han Llama grabbed P-Chan by the collar-Yeah, the explosive one-and they ran off. They didn't get far mind you, before the collar literally went KA-BOOM In a shallow crater was P-Chan and Han Llama, though you couldn't notice it from P-Chan both were covered in black blast soot, Akari came running up, she took P-Chan in her arms and held him close.  
Oh Ryoga-honey You have to get along with Katsunishiki, don't make me choose I love you with all my heart, but he was here first I cant give up either one of you Please try to get along I cannot just pick one and send the other away   
'By all means pick him ' Ryoga thought. 'I don't want to be here '  
It's okay, I'll get you a new explosive collar and everything will be all better.   
'That wont make *anything* better I'd rather go back to Azusa At least she never used explosive collars ' Ryoga though. Then paused. 'Hey I really would rather go back to Azusa That's just wrong Well at least she always left her windows open . . .' Ryoga drifted away in thought when suddenly he heard a roar of a bark.  
It seemed the day was just getting started. 'I hate that dog.' He thought to himself.  
Mercedes appeared and glared down Katsunishiki, the giant pig wasn't intimidated in the least, he barreled into the giant dog-which, compared to Katsunishiki wasn't looking so giant anymore-and Mercedes went flying. But the dog twisted in the air and landed on his feet, then with another loud bark rushed towards the giant pig, it was the clash of the titans Ryoga wasn't sure who he wanted to win this fight.  
Oh you're that dog from the night of the battle I bet you're a RSFC spy dog Katsunishiki, make him *hurt* Akari cried.  
If only I had popcorn . . . Cologne sighed.  
Lotion Llama grabbed Ryoga again and tried to make a run for it. The collar had exploded, there was nothing to stop them now. Mercedes retreated from battle with Katsunishiki to follow them, the little black bite sized pig was more interesting than the large sumo wrestling pig. Akari jumped on her pig's back and rode after them screaming things like Don't worry Ryoga, I'm coming or Stop in the name of love . . . before you breeeak my heart   
  
***  
At this point the author feels it is meet to reiterate that Akari is his least favorite female character, and while he dislikes bashing people, the job done on Akari was for comic purposes. Besides, it hurts him more than it hurts her anyway . . . but only because impossible for her to feel pain.  
***  
  
Nabiki Tendo tapped her pencil on her paper. She looked at the large pile of make-up work. We did all this yesterday?   
No . . . but you've been absent an awful lot. The teacher said. She adjusted her glasses as she looked at Nabiki and frowned. Have you joined a gang? Are you on drugs? It's drugs isn't it? I loose so many students to drugs . . .   
Nabiki didn't answer, she just shrugged and went back to her work. She drew little pictures of Akari dying various ways on her paper until she realized that the answer to X minus five multiplied by two equals forty was not a hangman's noose. The capital of Canada had nothing to do with Akari's decapitated head, and most importantly her name was not Nabiki-KILL AKARI-Tendo.  
Eh . . . Miss. Yamaguchi? Could I have a new paper?   
Her teacher sighed and gave her a new paper, some of the other students snickered, Nabiki made a mental note to get something on each one of them if she hadn't already.  
She was not in a mood to be messed with Not by these fools, not by anyone   
Then suddenly the wall exploded and that damn Mercedes flew in and slammed into Kuno.  
Ooff Who dares attack Tatewaki Blue Thunder Kuno? Who dares? Kuno cried with a dog on his face.  
Oh boy . . . Nabiki sighed. Soon after Mercedes smashed the wall down, in came a Llama with anklets like Lotion's holding a little black piglet in it's mouth by the black and orange bandanna-scarf. What an amazing coincidence Nabiki said in denial.  
Hey Nabiki, wasn't that your sister's pet piggy?   
I have never seen that pig before in my life. Nabiki calmly lied.  
Then Katsunishiki barreled into the room with Akari on his back making the hole even larger, he ran through the school's hallways making them indisputably more spacious. The other students were all murmuring excitedly, Nabiki calmly raised her hand.  
Eh Miss. Yamaguchi? Do you mind if I go and use the bathroom real quick? She sighed.  
Eh . . . sure. Don't forget your hall pass . . . The teacher said. She was trembling but otherwise it seemed she was going to do the mature thing and pretend that what had just happened hadn't.  
God hates me. Nabiki reasoned to herself as she stepped out into the hallway. Must be because of all those 'sins'. She scowled.  
Then Mercedes was running at her, the giant dog barreled right into her and they were both headed for the door, Ryoga and the Llama followed, along with Akari and Katsunishiki.  
  
P-Chan groaned when he saw Nabiki had just joined their little parade, Akari was still shouting insane things at him, Lotion wasn't even paying attention to where she was going anymore, just following Mercedes and the dog didn't seem to care where he was going. Granted he got a little upset when Katsunishiki caught up to him and threw him through a wall but that was all, beyond that he seemed intent just to run with all these new playmates.  
Of course the dog seemed to be the only one enjoying this. Ryoga hated him so.  
People watched in horror as Nabiki held onto Mercedes' thick shaggy neck, Lotion held Ryoga in her jaws and Akari rode Katsunishiki shouting . . . *something* Ryoga had stopped listening when she began to quote from Romeo and Juliet.  
This went on for a good portion of the day before Mercedes and Katsunishiki finally got tired. Lotion had ended up wearying a while before that and so the dog had actually carried Lotion, Ryoga, and Nabiki along as he taunted Katsunishiki. Ryoga hated him so.  
The dog and pig could barely manage to run now, they just limped along. Akari grew impatient with Katsunishiki's slowness and tried to spur him on but in the end the pig-not having the strength to buck her off by now-just grunted and moved even *slower*. Finally they reached the Tendo home of all places and Mercedes and Katsunishiki both just fell over. With luck they would be dead.  
Akari rushed at P-Chan, Nabiki realized the park ride from heck was over and lunged for her man . . . er pig . . . pig man . . . man pig . . . whatever. They locked gazes and both had P-Chan by the neck, they glared at each other until Ranma and Akane came home from school a half hour later.  
You know, that really seems like the sort of thing that would happen to us. Akane noted.  
Yeah . . . I cant say I mind Ryoga being too busy to bother me though. Ranma shrugged. They just went inside like this was normal, and sadly enough, even for the Tendo and Saotome families, this was slightly unusual and yet not so out of the ordinary . . . wait, isn't that a contradiction?  
Ryoga watched the woman he loved and the woman he had-until recently-not entirely hated, as they glared at each other like a pair of wolves trying to decide who'd get to eat the elk first. Unfortunately Ryoga was the elk, and both were holding him by the neck.  
And their grips gradually tightened.  
Alright Akari . . . it is time you knew the truth. Ryoga likes you, but he doesn't *like* you.   
Hah I refuse to let that impede our love Akari cried.  
'What does that even mean?' Ryoga wondered. These girls were using words he didn't understand now   
Nabiki looked like she might pounce, Akari just glared at her. He's *my* boyfriend   
Prove it Akari cried. Was there no end to her denial?  
Just ask him. Nabiki said simply, yet so incredibly coldly.  
You're intimidating him, he'd lie to keep you from hurting him   
Why cant you just accept that Ryoga belongs to me?   
Do you even love him at all? Akari cried, pulling P-Chan towards her.  
Of course not Nabiki scowled. I just spent all day on a dog's back being chased by a llama assassin and a sumo wrestling pig because that's how I get rid of my pent up sexual frustration   
You really are a whore Akari cried.  
I was being sarcastic . . . what do you mean 'really are'? Who have you been talking to? I tell you, as I've told everyone at school, Kinnosuke is a LIAR   
'My head hurts . . . and it's not entirely from the lack of oxygen.' Ryoga noted to himself.  
Look Akari, if you really love Ryoga, you'll let him go, and let him choose which one of us he wants   
'Nooo Not this again Don't you remember what happened with Azusa?' Ryoga thought frantically.  
Yes Akari started doing something to P-Chan's left foot, Yes we will set him in the middle of the street and we will each stand on opposite ends, the one of us he goes to will be the one to keep him and the other will never-ever-interfere again Akari said.  
And you're going to untie that string around his foot. Nabiki said.  
Curses Akari cried. Very well.   
Okay, we stand in the middle of the street, put him down and take ten paces then turn around and call him at the same time. Nabiki said.  
Yes . . . what about cars?   
I've never seen a car drive by here. Nabiki observed.  
Well . . . okay. Akari said. They walked out to the middle of the street.  
'What about cars? How can you be sure? You spend most of your time miles away from home scamming people What about cars? Ryoga thought frantically. However . . .  
Nabiki and Akari stood back to back, Akari stated taking her ten paces but Nabiki didn't. She instead turned, grabbed Ryoga and laughed maniacally. Hah You fool Now who has the pig?   
Katsunishiki loomed behind her.  
I believe that's me. Akari said.  
Aww crap. Nabiki sighed.  
Now put the pig down and let him walk towards me Akari cried.  
Alright . . . I concede Nabiki sighed. She put Ryoga down, Ryoga thought she had some other clandestine strategy in mind . . . but she didn't.  
He glumly walked towards Akari, but then suddenly he heard the sound of roller-blades   
And now Azusa has Azusa's little Charlotte   
No No Nabiki shouted in what Ryoga hoped was mock despair. This is getting ridiculous, you don't even want him for what we want him for   
What do we want him for? Akari asked.  
Nabiki scowled at her. Azusa chuckled. Azusa has the Charlotte now What does Azusa care what you wanted Charlotte for?   
Then to everyone's surprise . . . another contender arrived.  
She swooped down and took the pig from Azusa in a single swipe. There stood none other than Han Lo-Chun dressed in some of Kasumi's cloths. She held up the pig and laughed in her maniacal way. Haha I have captured the pig for meat testing Praise me PRAISE ME   
I'll praise you all you want, just give me the pig Nabiki said.   
Lotion threw Ryoga through the air, Nabiki was about to catch him, and then- Aha And now WE have the one ring Two short guys with hairy feet cried.  
Bah It's just a pig Mr. Grodo   
Alright Dan, just leave it then. I swear, once we find Dole-um I'm going to cut him to shreds and eat his oysters for stealing the ring back from us after we went through the trouble of stealing it from him   
I'm with you Mr. Grodo, and did I ever mention how even though you're the star yet I do all the work, I've nothing but respect for ya?   
Yes Dan . . . many . . . many . . . *many* times.   
The two little men walked off. Ryoga stared after them. 'What the fudge was that about?' He wondered.  
Well now Akari said, I suppose we have to let Ryoga choose one of us now.   
Sounds good to me Nabiki scowled. She turned to Ryoga with tenderness in her voice. Listen sweetie, just come over here and I'll make sure that crazy witch never bothers us again, trust me   
Oh pooh, Charlotte isn't even moving-MERCEDES Azusa went off towards the dog, and then Mercedes, with renewed strength was up on all four feet and bolting in the opposite direction.  
Ryoga sighed. 'One down.' He thought. He looked at them, then made his decision. There really wasn't any decision to be made, he just had to figure out which pair of legs belonged to Nabiki since he really couldn't see their faces to well. Okay, the school uniform, only Nabiki would be wearing it Ryoga waddled off towards her.  
There The choice is made The pig has decided Lotion cried. I'm . . . I'm so happy She wept.  
At least someone is. Nabiki scowled, grabbing Ryoga by the collar, all her tenderness lost. The school was demolished, I'm behind on my makeup work, and worst of all it took you forever to figure out which one I was Nabiki cried.  
'Eh . . . sorry?' Ryoga thought.  
Akari just pointed and gawked. She stomped out into the street and started jumping up and down . . . just then a miracle happened . . .  
(Five minutes earlier)  
Y'see Konatsu, with this delivery truck we can deliver to anywhere in town And since we're the only car on the street we'll never be late Next stop, Ranma-honey's place Ukyo cried.  
Yeah Let's drive really really fast and count on some short annoying pig farmer to stop the truck for us   
(Present Time)  
SSSSCCCCCRRRREEEEEECCCCCCCCHHHHHHHH  
The first car to be seen driving on the roads of Ranma 1/2 universe . . . and it just managed to miss Akari   
Ryoga shook his head. 'Life is getting just a little too strange . . .'  
Oh Akari Ukyo Konatsu Nabiki Everyone, what are you doing out here? Kasumi asked. She looked a Lotion. Is that my extra apron?   
It completes the outfit Lotion whined.  
Kasumi took the theft of her clothing stoically, and just invited everyone in for dinner.  
  
Nabiki of course had to return Ryoga to normal before dinner. She stomped into the washroom, filled the tub with hot water and then tried to drown the pig. Ryoga transformed as soon as he hit the water and unfortunately he was too strong for Nabiki to overpower and she had to give up on the drowning.  
Thank you, I thought I'd never be human again Ryoga said, she noticed a faint hint of apology in his voice. I er . . . didn't meant to destroy the school . . . he frowned. It was all Mercedes I hate that dog I hate him good   
Nabiki sighed. He *does* show up when you least expect it . . . and then for no apparent reason. She shook her head. And half the town saw me holding onto that beast for dear life as we trashed the whole district Nabiki scowled.  
C'mon, Ryoga said with a shy grin, admit it: that was a *fun* date.   
Nabiki just slapped him.  
  
After dinner Ryoga stayed at the table a little longer, Nabiki had practically hovered over him like a lioness protecting her cub from hyenas as far as Akari and Azusa (who'd also been invited after she gave up the hunt for Mercedes) were concerned. She'd even glared at Kasumi when she'd asked Ryoga why he had a red mark in the shape of a hand on his face.  
Nabiki was like some insane protective . . . thing She was like a wolf fighting off the other females in the pack for the sole breeding rights of the alpha female . . . why did he keep comparing her to animals? Whatever.   
He'd never known her to get this protective over anything other than money, maybe he was really special. Then again, he'd barely been more than an acquaintance with her before, and again he wondered if they were going too fast. For a brief moment he pitied their children, then reminded himself that children were the last things he should be thinking about. How did Ranma survive like this?  
But then Ranma didn't really seem to love any of his fiancees, the jerk took all those girls for granted-yeah so maybe Shampoo wasn't exactly a godsend, but Ranma could at least try to-ooh Mashed potatoes   
Eventually Ryoga and Kasumi were the only people still at the table, she cleared everything away, Ryoga decided to break the silence so he asked, Kasumi, were you at one point the town's most infamous whore until you ended up on the wrong end of a ten on one?   
Kasumi's jaw dropped, so did the plates she was holding.  
Yeah . . . I didn't think so. Ryoga nodded.  
Who told you my secret? Kasumi asked in her innocent, sexually oblivious voice. Ryoga almost fainted. From this day forward that voice wouldn't seem like a young woman pure and innocent of the disgusting realities of the human bodies' physical desires, it'd seem like a disgusting she-devil who had tried to take ten men at once and couldn't find enough holes   
Ryoga Ryoga get up, I was joking Nabiki will kill me if I've killed you Oh . . . okay, now her voice sounded normal again.  
Ryoga gasped for air and looked at Kasumi in shock. Not since she'd told him that Soun Tendo had had an affair and sired another two daughters had she shocked him so.   
Suddenly Lotion called to them, Ryoga and Kasumi went to the TV where everyone else was, Nabiki watched them intensely then grabbed Ryoga's wrist and pulled him close to her, and didn't leg go of him.  
'Okay, this is going to have to stop at some point.' Ryoga was about to speak protest but Nabiki's cold glare silenced him. Lotion pointed to the television excitedly.  
It's us It's us   
Indeed it showed them on the TV   
Today, at about noon eye witness reports suggest the three horsemen of the apocalypse rode through the downtown market place, wreaking havoc. We have this footage taken from the scene by a man and his home video camera, but the image is blurry at best. It showed them in perfect detail, Ryoga relived the events of that afternoon again and shuddered, yet as he watched it on the screen it didn't seem all that bad.  
We have drawings made by some religious sketch artists.   
Religious sketch artists? Lotion blinked.  
They showed them, first was a small woman on a giant pig with horns wearing samurai armor with a long spear and a saddle made of human bones. This of course had to be Akari and Katsunishiki. Next was a llama with a long tail like a lizard with spikes at the end, it's legs were covered in deadly electric looking anklets of power, upon it rode a small evil looking black rabbit.  
I'm not a rabbit Ryoga cried.  
The final picture was Nabiki and Mercedes, Mercedes was a huge hell hound, three tails, six legs and so on, Nabiki had long flowing hair and rode the dog sidesaddle completely nude, except that her body was that of a decaying zombie, only her face was beautiful.  
Wow Ranma said. That's amazing He turned to Ryoga. Why are you having all these adventures now? Usually this sort of thing happens to me   
Are you jealous Ranma? Akane chuckled.  
Aww I aint jealous Ranma scowled. I'm jez asking' is all   
Wow . . . I have to tell the elder I was on TV Lotion cried.  
It wasn't you, it was some devil Llama Nabiki cried.  
I *am* a devil Llama Lotion chuckled. I wish I had a mother I could tell She turned to Kasumi. She stared at her for a moment. Then cried, WILL YOU BE MY MOMMY?   
What? Kasumi yelped. I'm-I'm not old enough to be-   
Look mommy I was on TV Lotion cried.   
Eh . . . that's great . . . eh . . . dear. Kasumi said.  
Just then Soun came home . . . he stared into the room. Stared at all the girls surrounding just Ranma and Ryoga. Well Soun of course knew Ranma's reputation, suspected Ryoga was screwing around with Kasumi and Nabiki, and really couldn't remember that Konatsu was a boy.  
Hi grandpa Lotion cried.  
Soun glared at her. I am not 'grandpa'. He said simply. There will be no orgies under this roof, that's how I ended up with kids in the first place. He added just as simply, and he stomped up stairs and went to sleep.  
Father . . . Kasumi said.  
Well, I guess it's time Ryoga and I went off to bed. Nabiki said. She grabbed Ryoga and stuck her tongue out at Akari and Azusa. That's just *me* and *Ryoga*, off to sleep now, you cant come because it's just us Just the two of us, one, two, none of you-   
I think they get it, Ryoga interrupted.  
Silence, I am enjoying my triumph Nabiki whispered, she dragged him away, Yes just me and my boyfriend, all alone in my room.   
He's not your boyfriend Akari cried.  
Where's my Charlotte?   
Suddenly a huge dog leapt in through an open window, (guess who) and grabbed Akari and Azusa in his jaws by the collars of their shirts, and then leapt out again with the two girls screaming   
Ahh We should go after them, what's he gonna do to them? Ryoga cried.  
How can you possibly hate that dog? Nabiki mused with a grin on her face.  
Everyone stared at them . . .  
Oh right . . . well we're just going to go have sex now, see ya Nabiki said, dragging Ryoga off, suddenly Soun was hovering over them. Oh . . . I didn't know you were still awake daddy . . . hi Nabiki said, patting her father on the shoulder. Bye then She ditched Ryoga and ran off.  
Seducing my youngest daughter are you? Soun growled.  
I was? Ryoga blinked.  
Dad I'm your youngest daughter Akane cried.  
Oh . . . sorry Akane. So you're seducing my eldest daughter are you?   
Father . . .   
Oh Sorry Kasumi. Who were you trying to seduce Ryoga?   
Ryoga wasn't sure why he did what he did next. He just really *really* didn't want Soun to murder him so he pointed at Ukyo and said Her   
Oh . . . well okay I've got no problem with that. He walked off happily back to his room. Ryoga sighed in relief until Ukyo lunged for him, battle spatula ready.  
How dare you You know I'm in love with Ranma-honey, how dare you imply that I-   
Ouch Stop Ow No more Why does it burn? No Not there Anywhere but there-ooof Thank you . . . AAHHH   
Everyone was staring. Ukyo had stopped hitting Ryoga a while ago, he just kept shouting things like Stop The pain I only have two kidneys Darn, I wanted to have kids one day Hey that tickles-AHH   
Even Soun and Nabiki came downstairs to see what the heck was going on, Ranma just pointed at Ryoga and shrugged.  
Finally he realized that Ukyo had stopped beating the crap out of him. He stood up and laughed. You're punches are even weaker than Ranma's He cried. Ukyo smacked him with her spatula and sent him flying through the tarp that Soun had set over the demolished wall.  
Aww man I was going to sneak him up to my room later Nabiki scowled. Soun glared at her. What? What Don't act like you don't know Akane and Ranma make out in the washroom   
At least they have the decency to try to hide their pre-marital couplings Soun cried. Actually he didn't know Ranma and Akane made out in the washroom, but it didn't bother him since he and Genma had been trying to set those two up for quite some time anyway . . . he wondered what Genma was doing now . . .  
  
Meanwhile . . .  
So you see, it is very simple really. You are nearing your forties, while I am still in the flower of my youth-   
You're two years older than me Genma cried.  
Silence Anyway it is only natural that I, like Sun Ren upon her marriage to Liu Bei, would desire younger, more energetic lovers.   
Sun Ren and Liu Bei? Who the heck are they? Were they our neighbors?   
Never you mind. Nodoka said.  
You slept with half the crew, and five people are getting divorces because of you   
At least I used protection. Nodoka said happily.  
And worst of all I personally haven't scored at all Genma cried.  
Fear not, as soon as we're back in Japan I'll be my loyal, celibate old self again. Nodoka said honestly.  
That's it You're sleeping with the chopper pilot again   
If you insist. Nodoka shrugged. He really wasn't that good. Not like Tendo . . . you notice how *he* has three children and we've got one? You know why that is don't you?   
Genma twitched. Two of them came from orgies, and who knows who Nabiki's father is-eh I mean at least I managed to have a son on the first try, he's got three daughters . . . Hey Wait . . . you slept with Tendo? Tendo must die Go screw the helicopter pilot, we must return to Japan Soun Tendo I will destroy you   
  
Poor Soun . . .  
Ryoga managed to find his way back to the Tendo house easily enough, as soon as he arrived he heard arguing.  
Under Martial Law there will be no pre-marital couplings Soun said firmly.  
Aww man Ranma sighed. Sorry Ukyo, ya better just get out of here.   
I'll be back Ukyo warned.  
There will be no cross dressing either Soun added. Everyone stared at Konatsu, finally he realized what they were talking about and left too looking all sad.  
There will be no assassinations . . . Soun added.  
Lotion looked heart broken for a moment. But . . . but I don't have anywhere else to go Grandpa Oh . . . wait . . . yes I do See ya then. She walked off whistling to herself.  
Under Martial Law I declare that all peoples engaged to each other- He glared at Ranma and Akane Kiss now and declare eternal love.   
Eh . . . Father, you don't want to do tha- Kasumi began but Soun cut her off.  
Under Martial Law the words of King Soun are obeyed Soun cried.  
Father I think- but it was too late. Ranma and Akane were arguing madly and Nabiki grabbed Ryoga and kissed him.  
Hey I said- Soun began.  
Didn't you know daddy? Ryoga proposed and I agreed. Nabiki said cheerfully.  
You did? Ryoga gasped, Nabiki pinched him.  
Is this true? Soun wailed. Kasumi glared at them, but nodded. Soun began to jump up and down, he grabbed Ryoga and hugged him. Aha My son My son   
What? What Lemme go I'm not your--   
At last I'll have a son in law to carry on the dojo   
Hey That's what I'm for Ranma cried.  
Soun looked confused now. Oh . . . right . . . well now I have TWO He looked at Kasumi. Are you engaged? Are you? Do I have three invincible sons?   
No.   
Drat With three son-in-laws this Martial Arts Academy would be the most powerful in the world We'd DESTROY the Koruda School of Combat   
The what now? Ranma frowned.  
You said you needed to think about your answer Ryoga protested to Nabiki.  
And now I'm thinking it's yes Be quiet Nabiki growled.  
Soun grabbed Ryoga and Ranma. Haha I'll finally get rid of two of my daughters and be able to date again   
What about me? Kasumi cried. I'd still be here   
Yes but by the time these four get married you'll have learned that that chiropractor paid me five hundred thousand yen and a lifetimes supply of free spine-fix'in for your hand in marriage.   
WHAT Kasumi screamed.  
I have this card right here Soun said. It guarantees me a lifetime of free spine-fix'in   
You better hold onto that, you're going to need it Kasumi cried. Soun became very pale and then he was running for dear life, Kasumi was chasing after him with her heaviest frying pan.  
I was only joking Soun screamed. I swear Just look at the card It's for a free pizza   
It's the principal of the thing Kasumi cried, chasing after him.  
We should do something Nabiki said.  
Yeah . . . we really should. Ranma agreed. Akane ran off after Kasumi, Ryoga ran off after Akane until Nabiki grabbed him and stopped him and Ranma shook his head. Howzit that Ukyo cant put a dent in you, I have ta hit ya like a hundred times to kick yer butt, but Nabiki over there just grabs you and you fall to the ground?   
She has ungodly powers Ryoga growled.  
Yeah, she does, and she's gonna use em on the both of you if you don't shut up. Nabiki said simply. She yawned. Well if dad learned anything from master Hopposai it was how to run, Kasumi wont give up for a while, that's a good ten years of repressed emotion right there . . . Akane will chase them until she realizes it's hopeless and comes back here, and Ranma . . . well you're going to be going now. Nabiki said.  
I am? Ranma blinked.  
Yeah. Bye now. Nabiki waved her hand.  
What do you think? You're some kind of Jedi or something? Mind tricks only work on the weak minded   
I know. Nabiki waved her hand again and Ranma turned around and walked off. You're leaving now.   
I'm leaving now.   
You will go dance in the city cesspool.   
I'll go dance in the city cesspool.   
But not before you empty your wallet for me.   
But first I'll empty my wallet for ya.   
You are a duck.   
Quack Quack   
Now off you go   
I'm running I'm running Ranma cried and he ran off.  
Ryoga sighed. What the heck was that?   
Oh nothing. Okay, actually I made an agreement with Ranma if he left I'd blackmail Kodachi into leaving him alone for a week.   
Then why did he empty his wallet for you? Ryoga blinked.  
Nabiki blinked. I dunno . . . maybe I do have ungodly powers . . . or maybe he didn't fully understand our bargain.   
And when did you make this bargain? How could you have known that Kasumi would chase your father out of the house at just this time?   
Ryoga . . . I control *everything* in this house. I told dad that everyone would laugh if he told Kasumi he'd betrothed her to Dr. Tofu, I told Kasumi I'd stop blackmailing people and learn to cook and clean just like my big sis if she'd chase dad out of the house if he ever said the word spine fix'in , I knew Akane would go after them, and I told Ranma when all that went down we'd act out a scene from an old American movie and he'd leave.   
Wow . . . Ryoga was impressed. Why'd you want everyone gone?   
Nabiki sighed.  
Oh no Not again   
Aww but we're engaged now We've gotta have sex on special occasions, Christmas . . . Halloween . . . Thursdays . . .   
Thursdays? Thursdays aren't special occasions   
We will *make* them special occasions. Nabiki said firmly.  
Ryoga sighed. You're evil, you know that?   
Thank you. Nabiki leaned close and was about to kiss him when suddenly-  
I have returned to return the clothing I borrowed Lotion said.  
Gah Nabiki scowled.  
Let me guess, you never made a bargain with her. Ryoga said.  
I didn't see the need Nabiki groaned. She shook her head. Go away now   
What'cha doing? Lotion asked, she stared at them for a moment. Then gasped. You were going to play RISKY without me   
RISKY? Ryoga frowned.  
You know, the game of international conquest. Nabiki explained.  
Aha . . . well eh . . . yes, yes that is exactly what we were going to do. Ryoga lied. But there's plenty of room for you to play too, Right Nabiki?   
Nabiki slapped him. If you're going to 'play' with someone you're 'playing' with *me* and me alone   
I meant she could play RISKY with us Ryoga groaned.  
Oh Oh yeah sure I guess she can play that . . . Nabiki said, sounding a little disappointed. So much for Thursdays . . . I guess we'll have to make it Wednesdays.   
Nonsense, Thursday is perfect, we'll just wait until next week. Ryoga said. Nabiki sighed.  
RISKY eh? I like that game. Cologne said.  
Aiya Shampoo play too   
I too shall play Mousse said.  
Ahh Darn you all The Amazons are invading Nabiki moaned.  
Lotion glared at Mousse for a moment. Don't I know you?   
The attractive young male amazon just shrugged.  
  
For those of you who care . . .  
Ryoga soon noticed that in this strange game of international conquest Nabiki seemed to hold some grudge against him, even though it was supposed to be the two of them and Lotion on a team against everyone else. Soon Nabiki had booted him out of Canada entirely, blew the crap out of his last defenses in Alaska, and her tanks mowed over his infantry in the states. Lotion took firm control of Australia and then swept out from there to take China. She spent quite some time speaking after that.  
That's right Elder, now I have China That's right I control China You will mock me no longer   
A lucky turn, I'll not be denied, have you even *looked* into Taiwan?   
What? How can you fit so many troops in-AHHH Lotion cried when it came to Cologne's turn and Taiwan wiped the floors with China. Something not even the creators of RISKY thought could ever happen.  
It went on like this for some time, until the first player was eliminated. It was Shampoo, when Ryoga, trying to find a safe haven from Nabiki threw what was left of his military against her outpost in Great Britain and ended her regime.  
After that Cologne, Mousse and Shampoo were communicating in Chinese because they figured Ryoga and Nabiki wouldn't understand them, unfortunately Lotion did and she managed to stop all their plans with minimal losses.  
Haha You are not so very intelligent if five tanks cannot defeat one infantry battalion Lotion cried. You're losing elder   
Well we all knew you'd have to be good at *something* Han. Cologne sighed. Mousse, it's your turn, crush that infantry battalion   
But Nabiki Tendo's forces have massed on the border of Brazil   
She's too obsessed with destroying her boyfriend to attack you, take those foot soldiers and avenge the loss of your elder's tanks   
Very well . . .   
And so what would go down in RISKY history as the most one sided battle ever, Mousse's army came out of Brazil to Africa and with five jets, three tanks and seven infantry battalions *still* lost, if it were real life it'd be the stuff of Action Flicks.  
After two hours Soun, Kasumi and Akane came home, they watched for a while, offering advice that no one took.  
Nabiki, Ryoga is on your side Kasumi said.  
Ryoga, if you take France, Cologne wont be able to take it back without leaving herself open for Lotion Akane said.  
Stupid Mousse, smash the states Shampoo said.  
Everyone smash the states Soun cried.  
But I've got all North America Nabiki gasped, If you take out the states I wont have the strength to hold onto Canada And Canada ROCKS   
Everyone smashed the states (Why does no one like the US?) and Nabiki had to temporarily give up on Ryoga to exact revenge, first defeating Mousse and taking both north and south America, then she abused Soun verbally.  
After *another* two hours Lotion made her first and last mistake, she'd crushed Cologne but left herself spread to thin and so Mousse's refugees in Madagascar swept out and conquered Asia and Australia.  
You . . . you defeated me Lotion cried. She blinked. Hey Hey I do know you from somewhere You're the fool who defeated me in combat Lotion cried.  
I did? Mousse looked confused.  
Yeah, that was him. Ranma said quickly, he'd come home some time after Nabiki and Ryoga had resumed hostilities. Yo Ryoga, Mousse is spread thinner than Lotion was, you and Nabiki can take him, then the world would be yers half'n'half   
And then you could be married and the world would be united under your combined rule Soun agreed.  
And we could finally get to sleep Ryoga said.  
No more evil game Nabiki agreed.  
Against Nabiki Tendo the Supreme Tactician and Ryoga Hibiki the Very Tired, Mousse the Nearsighted never stood a chance. His final defenses in Japan were defeated by Nabiki's air strikes just as the sun rose in the sky.  
Ryoga fell face forward on the board and was drifting off to sleep when Akane cried out, Now for round two   
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Kasumi: Do not bother looking for RISKY in your local game/toy stores, you wont find it.  
Grimm: I heard there was some modernized version of RISK, but I didn't care. And if you didn't pick it up from the story, a six-player game of RISK can take days . . .  
Ryoga: Especially when your girlfriend who is supposed to be on your team keeps attacking you, and the other three players on the other team can speak a language you cant. It gets worse when the assassin on your team happens to be a pro at the game and crushes everyone until she realizes that she's spread herself too thin (like an Anorexic Flying Squirrel) and gets smashed down by the competition.  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
Children, children Soun chuckled. Ryoga, my poor idiot son-in-law, the one thing you never understood about being lost is that it's optional.   
Eh?   
TAXI Soun shouted. As if on cue a dozen big yellow cabs appeared . . . and not a single one stopped. Yes . . . well it takes a while. Soun sighed. He whistled, TAXI He shouted, more cabs, not one stopped.  
Ryoga-baby, go stand in the road. Nabiki instructed, Ryoga looked at her as if she were insane. Soun nodded vigorously. Yes Yes, go do that 


	26. Get a CLUE

Disclaimer: I don't own the movie or game CLUE  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 26  
Get a CLUE  
  
It was noon when Ryoga finally woke up, he was in the dining room, on the table (with the revolver!). Miss. Scarlet-eh I mean Kasumi was dusting and so he woke up sneezing.  
"Sorry Ryoga, I didn't mean to wake you." Kasumi said.  
"Where is everyone?" Ryoga asked, looking around the empty room.  
"I sent Ranma and Akane to school, they should be home soon, father is off handing our souvenirs to umpteen something of his closest friends, the assassin girl left before the second round of RISKY started, and Nabiki is in her room, still asleep." She shook her head. "You know I didn't get the chance to say it last night, but I'm very pleased with you and Nabiki."  
"What, for deciding to get married?" Ryoga blinked.  
"No, of course not!" Kasumi scoffed. "I think you're rather impatient and a little silly to get married at your age. However last night Nabiki cleverly tricked everyone out of the house, I was so sure we'd come home to find you two in bed together. But instead you found a nice morally acceptable way to pass your time, and even invited some friends over to help you resist temptation-though that makes me wonder why Nabiki went to the trouble of getting us all out of the house, regardless I am so proud of you two."  
"Don't be." Ryoga sighed. "We were going to do it, but Lotion showed up moments after Ranma left, and we ended up playing RISKY."  
"Oh . . . well I suppose I should be thankful to Lotion." Kasumi said, she sounded disappointed.  
"You two were going to make love before she showed up?"  
"No! Wait a minute . . . yes . . . no . . . I dunno. I mean, I guess if it weren't for Lotion we would have done it, but then I'm not so sure y'know?" Ryoga added. "I mean . . . I love Nabiki, I definitely *want* her, but every time she starts getting suggestive I get nervous. I thought it'd pass after our first time together and I'd be more relaxed about this relationship in general but-"  
"But you're not. If anything you're even more afraid now than you were then, and I'm willing to bet the idea that you might just end up a father has a lot to do with it." Kasumi nodded.  
"Wha?" Ryoga gulped.  
"Let us consider, you made love to Nabiki at least once. I know this because when she claimed to be pregnant, you believed her, and I know you are not so silly as to still believe in the stork, Ryoga," Kasumi smiled.  
"Cabbage patch." Ryoga clarified. "My parents used the cabbage patch version on me. Since they wandered around so much, the stork would never find us."  
Kasumi stared at him for a moment. Then said, "that wasn't the point Ryoga."  
"I know. Look, I'm not afraid of being a father, the very idea of it freaked me out, but . . . I don't know, it just didn't scare me." Ryoga said. "Actually it probably should have, don't you think?" He laughed nervously.  
Kasumi shrugged. "Well then maybe you just don't feel the way you think you feel then."  
"Wha?"  
"Maybe you're not really in love with Nabiki. You used to be head over heals for Akane, maybe this is just infatuation."  
"I wish that were true." Ryoga sighed.  
"Now listen to me Ryoga, and listen carefully. When you kiss her, do you feel anything at all?"  
"Well yeah, her lips for one, and once or twice she's tried to get her tongue in my mouth-"  
"I mean any emotion." Kasumi clarified.  
"It feels nice." Ryoga shrugged. "And it's confusing too. I mean, why does she bother?" He asked.  
"She's a year older, she's smart I'm dumb, she's beautiful, I'm not-"  
"You're very handsome Ryoga." Kasumi interjected.  
"Yeah but Mikado, Kinnosuke, they are both . . . like swim suit poster boys compared to me!"  
"Yes, but Mikado is a pervert and Kinnosuke is insane, and between the three of you I'd rather have you as a brother-in-law. Actually you're also a lot cuter than Ranma, but don't ever tell him I said that, and don't think I've changed my opinion of younger men." Kasumi said simply. "So the problem is that you think you're not good enough for Nabiki?"  
"Of course not! The problem is that I'm terrified of her!" Ryoga yelped. "When she hugs me I feel like I need to check my wallet, the way she was acting list night I thought I'd have to put a muzzle on her to keep her from going for Akari's throat! I'm one of the strongest fighters around and yet half the time I'm afraid she's going to kick my butt! When we did . . . y'know, do it, my head was swimming the whole time, I couldn't even concentrate on it, I was so afraid that she was somehow using her body to get some sort of coverage on me."  
"Coverage?"  
"Blackmail material, control, I don't know!" Ryoga yelped.  
"You mean leverage?"  
"Look into my eyes!" Ryoga cried, "does this look like the face of a man who knows what the heck that word means?"  
Kasumi shook her head. "It's okay Ryoga. I think you should let Nabiki decide who's good enough for her."  
"It's not about being good enough!" Ryoga groaned.  
"Yes it is." Kasumi said simply. "That is exactly what it is. That is why you were too afraid to ever tell Akane about your feelings."  
"No, a great fear of rejection was why I was too afraid to ever tell Akane about my feelings."  
"But why do you suppose she would have rejected you? You were afraid you couldn't offer her what Ranma could-"  
"Lies! I'm twice the man Ranma is!" Ryoga scowled to himself.  
Kasumi put a hand on his shoulder, "So tell me then, why is it that Akane found out you were her pet pig-something you wanted to hide from her-before she found out you loved her-something you were constantly trying to confess to her?"  
Ryoga sighed. "Ranma said it's because she's thick as a brick."  
"That may well be." Kasumi admitted. "Come to think of it, you never did confess to her."  
"No reason to, I'm not in love with her now, and Nabiki would castrate me if I told Akane I *used* to love her."  
"You still don't know what castrate means, do you Ryoga?"  
"No, but the way you used it before I figured it'd be appropriate to describe the actions Nabiki would take."  
Kasumi smiled. "The sad thing is that you are correct."  
"How did you even know?" Ryoga asked. "About my liking Akane that is."  
"Nothing goes on here I don't know about or find out about eventually." Kasumi said simply.  
"The key is not caring. Everything sorts itself out sooner or later."   
Ryoga frowned. "Will this sort itself out, d'ya think?"  
"Well you have time to find out, unless you were planning on getting married tomorrow morning."  
"Eh . . . I was thinking more towards the afternoon." Ryoga said sarcastically.  
"I doubt father would let Nabiki go until she taught him how to balance the books properly anyway." Kasumi shrugged. "That said, you two may be engaged for many, many years."  
Ryoga gulped.  
Kasumi then said, "You know, I think Nabiki is awake up there, maybe, if you have your doubts you should go up there and talk to her."  
Ryoga shrugged. "I eh . . . guess I better . . ." He nodded.  
  
"You see Elder," Lotion said, "I have nothing but respect for you and Shampoo, and that is why I challenge you again."  
"Will you never give up?" Cologne sighed.  
"This . . . will be the last time." Lotion admitted. "If I cannot defeat you I will never come near you again, my head bowed in shame for all eternity, I will even stay away from the place I once called home, never to disgrace our village with my terrible failures again."  
"That does sound like a pretty good deal." Cologne nodded. "And yet, I couldn't possibly."  
"But when I win, I will stand triumphant over you both, and laugh! Laugh at you and make you pay for all the times you hit me on the head, for all the times she teased me for a loss suffered at the age of three, make you both suffer the humiliation I have suffered! And when I am done, I will return to China in triumph, knowing that when the final curtain calls it shall be *I* who bows to the crowd!"  
Cologne blinked. "What are you talking about? Curtains do not call. Besides, I hit everyone on the head-" she smacked Mousse as he passed by, causing him to drop several bowls of ramen.  
"Shampoo never teased you for your loss, she didn't even remember fighting you because you were *that* bad. Sun Set was the one who teased you all the time, and she was teasing you because your breasts are the flattest ever seen on any amazon since Hu-Chi Ma Ma!"  
A wave or repressed childhood trauma struck Han Lo-Chun like a nuclear missile. She shoved it all back under its lid. "So what if I never shut up?" She cried to no one in particular, "That was no reason to tape my mouth shut and tie me to a tree naked! It was cold and dark and scary!"  
"Hmm?" Cologne blinked. "When did that happen?" She paused. "Oh yeah . . . hehehe, I remember that one. The other elders wouldn't let you back into the village because they thought your soul had been raped by a tree spirit. Those were good times . . . oh yes, good times."  
"Who was the one to present them with that LIE?" Lotion cried.  
"I was drunk, you have to make allowances." Cologne shrugged.  
"And perhaps I have no real skill with knives," Lotion continued, "why then am I the most feared assassin in all China?"  
"You're not." Cologne sighed. "If you are it is because you never stop talking."  
"And just because I had allegedly been raped by a tree spirit was no reason for them to expel me from that one festival when I was fourteen!"  
"Okay, we expelled you from that festival because you got drunk and started shouting about making the tree pay child support, we're not even entirely sure how you managed to get drunk, there was no alcohol for miles around. Now for both our sakes, please say no more." Cologne said.  
Lotion popped. "Say no more? Say no more! You mean for me to stop talking! Always they tell me to stop talking!"  
"Well your voice is rather annoying." Mousse said.  
"Silence male filth!" Lotion yelped, "You will be silent! Oh how you will be silent! But *I* will be silent no longer!" Lotion said. Then she sat down and refused to say anything more for the rest of the day. It was so much of a first that Cologne bought a diary just to record the event.  
  
***  
Extract from "Cologne on Cologne, the diary of a beautiful Amazon Queen"  
Dear Diary, this is my first entry, the peasant known as Han Lo-Chun (Alias Hand Lotion), daughter of Han Job (Alias unfit for writing) and Dum Gai (Alias Dumb Guy) today did the unthinkable, she was silent for the entire day! We held a grand celebration, I was pampered by ten young men with large . . . capacities for good? Yes that works. And Future Son-in-law Ranma (Alias Ranko) once again begged feverishly for Great Grand Daughter's (Alias Shampoo) hand in marriage. Again he was flatly rejected, but perhaps some day he will be good enough for her. His homosexual brother (Alias Akane) continues to oppose the righteous marriage.  
***  
A thousand years later a race of super intelligent aliens found the diary, and based a religion on it, the other aliens thought they were crazy, and then the next day all the stars systems the nonbeliever aliens orbited around went super nova. The shape left behind by the constellation of empty space when viewed from any angle at all, resembled Cologne's face, but alien astronomers are adamant that this is coincidence.  
***  
  
Ryoga walked into Nabiki's room cautiously, he thought about what Kasumi had said about him thinking he wasn't good enough, but he was still pretty sure he was just afraid of Nabiki stabbing him in the back at some point. The way he felt now, if she did that he'd die, just die. Or maybe watch a lot of TV and eat a lot of cookies, whichever was more convenient.  
The more he thought of it the more it made sense, she could do so much better, why would she waste her time with him unless she had some plan, or maybe she was working under a bet.  
'Or maybe she really does love me,' he thought. Then mentally chided himself. That was impossible, Ranma had even once accused Nabiki of being devoid of feeling. She was just being nice to him because of a bet or something. Yeah, that sounded right. A bet. As soon as he entered he noticed something odd. Nabiki was sitting up in bed hugging her legs to her chest staring out a window. Problem was there wasn't a window, she was staring at the wall.  
"Ah . . . Nabiki?" Ryoga spoke up. "Can I ah . . . come in?"  
"You might as well." She sighed.  
"Uh . . . okay." Ryoga came inside, he walked up to Nabiki, "are you watching ants or something?"  
"Hmm?" She looked up at him. "No, just thinking.  
"Oh. Do you mind if I think with you?" He asked.  
"You lack the necessary equipment Ryoga-honey." She said sourly.  
"Yeah . . . I sure do." Ryoga said with a smile, but Nabiki was not amused.  
"I went downstairs to check on you." Nabiki informed him.  
"Yeah? When?" Ryoga asked.  
"About the time you mentioned to my sister how I'm a wild animal in need of a muzzle-so I don't rip Akari's throat from her body-and how I'm trying to get *leverage* on you, as if there'd be any reason for me to blackmail you." She sounded slightly hurt. "I'm not evil you know!"  
Ryoga frowned. "Of course you are, that's why I like you."  
"I'm not!" She growled.  
"If you say so." Ryoga put his hands up in surrender.  
Nabiki sighed again and glanced at Ryoga. "Sit next to me."  
"Wha?"  
"I'm fully I'm not going to do anything!" She growled. "Oh wait, that's right, I'd probably have a hidden camera somewhere to take pictures so I can latter accuse you of rape!"  
"I never . . . ah . . . said anything about a hidden camera . . ." Ryoga said, looking around the room.  
Nabiki frowned. "Yeah . . . I know . . . that's just kinda the sort'a thing I'd do if I didn't *really* love you."  
Ryoga sat down next to Nabiki on her soft, comfortable bed, she leaned against him and sighed. "You know why I like you more than Kinnosuke?"  
"Because I don't carry a puppet around and ask it for advice?"  
"Exactly. You think I want the father of my children to be some freak who talks to a . . . a *thing* on his hand? Even if he is good with money and cute! I'd rather have a guy who can't really figure out directions, that way he's completely dependent on me. Still has to be cute though . . ."  
"I'm not cute." Ryoga said. "I'm ruggedly handsome. Wait, did you say father of your children?"  
"No, Ukyo is ruggedly handsome, you're cute." Nabiki insisted. "And yes, I did indeed say 'father of my children'."  
"I thought you said that." He nodded. "Oh, and I'm not dependent on you!"  
"You're close enough." Nabiki said.  
"No way! I was doing fine before I even came to the Tendo Dojo and met you." Ryoga said.  
"Before you met me you chased Ranma around aimlessly because he just happened to always gofor the same lunch you did, and managed to get it before you could. Then you got turned into a little black pig, and chased Ranma around round some more. Except this time you blamed him for a girl with a pigtail and her pet panda knocking you into the spring, yet this was before you learned that Ranma *was* that girl and that his father *was* that panda. Now before we got together you used your alter-ego, P-Chan to pose as my little sister's pet pig and thus obtain the sort of affection no one had ever shown you before."  
Ryoga decided to just let her have her way, and not mention the torment he'd suffered since getting together with her, partially because it wasn't all her fault-though so much of it was. Nabiki looked at him seriously, "what's wrong with the affection I show you?" She asked. "You never thought Akane was trying to blackmail you, what's wrong with me?"  
"Nothing." He said.  
"Then why don't you trust me?" She asked.  
"I do." He lied.  
"You think I'm trying to blackmail you!" She demanded.  
"Eh . . . well that's because you have." Ryoga shrugged.  
"No I . . . eh . . . well not recently." Nabiki said indignantly.  
Ryoga sighed now, he looked at Nabiki and shook his head. "Look . . ." he whispered, "I eh . . . I'm sorry. I'm just nervous all right? I've never had a girlfriend before."  
"What about Akari."  
"She really doesn't count." Ryoga said.  
"Sure she doesn't." Nabiki scoffed. She put her head on his shoulder. "I guess I can just forgive you this time . . . you have to trust me in the future."  
"I will. I promise." Ryoga said.  
From the doorway they heard Kasumi shout, "KISS HER YOU BLOCK HEAD!" then there was a gasp and the sound of feet running down stairs, then Kasumi shouted again from further away, "Father! Turn that TV down! Oh? Leaving again? So soon? Bye then!"  
Ryoga shook his head, but decided what Kasumi had said was acceptable advice, if not completely sane. He held Nabiki close and pressed his lips against hers, she leaned against him and slowly began to wrap her arms around him and-  
"Don't overdo it." Kasumi said, coincidentally walking by with a basket of folded laundry. Ryoga and Nabiki parted a little reluctantly.  
She smiled at him, and wrapped her arms around him anyway. "I love you." She cooed.  
"I love you too . . ." Ryoga said. He'd heard her say it before, but he wasn't sure that he'd ever get used to it.  
She squeezed him tight, "Good. Now, on the subject of blackmail, what would you be willing to do to keep these pictures for getting to the public?" Nabiki revealed a set of pictures she'd taken of Ryoga the night she'd learned he was P-Chan.  
He sighed. "What I said earlier, about you being evil . . . I just want to restate: you are evil."  
"This is just how I show my affection, sweetie." Nabiki said. "Besides, you said that was what you liked about me, so how can I stop?"  
  
Kasumi smiled to herself. Those two were such a sweet couple, it was a refreshing change of pace from Ranma and Akane who obviously loved each other but were too stubborn to admit it. But then again Kasumi had to remind herself that while Ryoga was a fairly honorable young man, a good guy overall and nice to everyone excluding Ranma, Nabiki definitely couldn't be trusted not to seduce the poor lost boy.  
The problem now was that though Akane, given the fact that Nabiki and Ryoga were already obviously together and she'd been proven right, had given up and was happy to leave the two on their own, except when the subject of who knew first came up, Kasumi was not. She had now taken over the role of cupid, but it was a very delicate job.  
Nabiki was seventeen, very nearly eighteen, her hormones had been successfully held back for that long with constant guilt trips, exaggerated tales of STD, and of course the fact that she got bored with most boys by the time their wallets were empty. Kasumi wasn't exactly sure what made Ryoga so special, he was cute but so were all the boys Nabiki went out with. And he was younger. Kasumi herself had no taste for younger men, and Nabiki had on occasion claimed the same thing though on several occasions she'd proven age meant little if not nothing to her.  
But whatever it was that drove her to actually sleep with the lost boy didn't matter because she apparently planned to marry him anyway so her soul would be safe-or at least as close to it as possible considering that Nabiki was a being of pure evil. Maybe Ryoga, with his honor and such would be a good influence on her . . .  
Or maybe she'd make him just as evil and corrupt as she was . . . really it'd be worth watching,  
Kasumi felt. What fun betting on the result would be.  
Kasumi decided to make lunch, however she realized she was out of a few spices, salt, pepper, and curry powder-not that she planned to use the salt and pepper of course.   
But she needed curry powder . . . she couldn't leave Nabiki and Ryoga alone . . . she might come  
back an auntie.  
'I will just have to take one of them with me.' Kasumi reasoned.  
She was about to go get one of them when the doorbell rang and so she went to answer it. There was Hand Lotion looking dejected with a pair of suitcases and a sign on her neck.  
"Ask Me About My Vow of Silence" the sign read.  
"Oh! Hello Hand Lotion!"  
"Yahg." The Amazon shrugged.  
"Won't you come in?" Kasumi offered.  
"Eh."  
"What's the matter?"  
Hand Lotion took out a small notepad and wrote something on it, she handed it to Kasumi.  
"I forgot why, but for some reason I've refused to speak to anyone." The note read.  
Kasumi frowned. "Umm . . . okay."  
Lotion wrote another note. Kasumi read it.  
"I plan to go back to China, I bid you farewell, I shall not return until I have become a true fighter."  
"Oh-ho. Okay." Kasumi said, trying to think of a nice way to say 'I don't care'   
Lotion handed her another note.  
Kasumi looked at it, it was just a bunch of scribbles and lines and such. "What is this?" She asked.  
Lotion wrote *another* note and handed it to Kasumi. Kasumi read, "It is the recipe to Marshion Cookies, I thought you might want it."  
"But I can't read it!" Kasumi cried. Lotion flipped it upside down impatiently. "Oooooh. Okay, thanks!" Kasumi said, doubting she'd actually use it. "We'll eh . . . miss you?"  
Lotion bowed and then walked off. Kasumi scratched her head. "What was I doing? Oh right, I was going to the market. Wasn't I going to take some one with me?" She blinked. Akane and Ranma arrived home at just that moment.  
"Oh! Ranma! Akane! Would one of you like to come to the market with me?"  
"Do I have to?" Ranma asked.  
"It's okay Ranma, I'll go!" Akane scowled at Ranma.  
"Great!" Ranma said. "Weeks of our Lives is on!" He ran inside, then suddenly came out and glared at Akane. "Hey! This is one of those things where you say it's okay, but you're secretly going to make me pay for it later, isn't it?"  
"I don't know what you're talking about." Akane glared back at him.  
Kasumi blinked. "Umm . . . okay . . . we can all go." She offered.  
"I think that would be best." Akane glared.  
"Fine then!" Ranma growled.  
Kasumi scratched her head. She was almost certain she was supposed to be asking some one *else* to come . . . who? She looked at the little piece of paper in her hand, "Oh! That's right!"  
She said, she was supposed to get Hand Lotion to come with her to the market, how silly of her to forget.  
"Lets go then!" Kasumi said, and she, Akane, and Ranma set off to find Hand Lotion then visit the market.  
Leaving Nabiki and Ryoga all alone . . . in the house . . . by themselves . . . and stuff.  
  
As fate would have it-and Fate decided it would-Nabiki chose just that moment to look out her window, Ryoga mused, watching her curious activities as she suddenly ran through the whole house asking if anyone was home, then going around a locking every door and window she rushed back up and grinned wickedly at Ryoga.  
"Wow . . ." he said. He looked at his imaginary watch, "What took you so long? That was all of ten seconds." He said.  
"Silence!" She cried, "We're home alone!"  
"I see . . . and?"  
"And . . . do I really have to tell you?" Nabiki blinked.  
"Yes, that might help." Ryoga shrugged.  
"You're hopeless!" Nabiki moaned. "Don't make me say it!"  
"Well then how will I know?"  
"Oh you're so cruel!"  
"Maybe you think I'm joking and I know what it is you're talking about and I'm making you say it because it thrills me to see you get on your hands and knees and beg me-" Ryoga said, Nabiki nodded vigorously! "-but that isn't the case, I honestly don't know what you want from me."  
"Gah!" Nabiki moaned. "I'm engaged to a fool!"  
"You mean you didn't already know that?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.  
Nabiki glared at him, then conceded, "Okay I did. But I'd hoped you might have instincts or something!"  
"Let me try and figure out what you want then . . . " Ryoga let the wheels in his head turn for a moment . . . he took another moment when he still hadn't figured it out after the first. Nabiki was about to tell him, he held up a hand. "Wait, I've got it." He assured her.  
He thought for a moment more . . . Nabiki glared at him and finally just took her shirt off.  
"Oh! *That's* what you meant!" Ryoga nodded. "Gotcha. Yeah, it is pretty hot in here. Lets go to the park." Nabiki glared at him, "What? I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I know what you really want you sick sex-obsessed creature."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Sort'a."  
"I don't need to take the rest of my cloths off before you figure it out?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Well you're going to do it anyway aren't you?" Ryoga asked.  
"I . . . well yeah." Nabiki admitted.  
"Then it's a failsafe, if I haven't figured it out by now, I will when you finish undressing. Now go at it, I'll go make a sandwich and be back here in-"  
"Five days!" Nabiki snapped.  
"If you insist."  
"Ryoga!" Nabiki whined. "I thought you loved me!"  
"I do." Ryoga nodded. "I thought you said 'Thursdays'."  
"I did." Nabiki admitted. "But we missed it because you wanted to play Risky!"  
"That's it!" Ryoga said. "I know how we can do this!"  
"Well yeah, so do I, I was watching porn with Kasumi and got all these neat ideas." Nabiki said.  
"No not that!" Ryoga said, " I meant we . . . whoa, whoa, did you just say you and Kasumi were watching porn together?"  
"In our underwear." Nabiki nodded.  
"You're lying!" Ryoga tried not to imagine his fiancée and his future sister-in-law watching porn together in their underwear because then he'd imagine them watching porn *together* in their underwear. "I meant I know how we can decide if we have sex or not."  
"Look Ryoga, if you really don't want to-"  
"Eh? I thought it was you who didn't want to!" Ryoga said.  
Nabiki glared at him. "And how did you come to *that* conclusion?"  
Ryoga had to think about that one for a few moments, finally he admitted she'd confused him.  
"Can't you just say what you mean? I'm not Kinnosuke, now you have me *wanting* a little puppet to ask advice from, or at least a magic 8-ball. I'm only a little smarter than Kuno y'know!"  
"Until recently I'd have argued that you're smarter than you think, but jeez Ryoga, you've proven me wrong." She shook her head. "Your head is completely empty."  
"There are cobwebs." Ryoga offered.  
"Cobwebs I grant you."  
"And a mouse running on a wheel?"  
"A wheel perhaps, but I think your mouse died." Nabiki said.  
"Aww . . ." Ryoga pouted. "I liked the mouse."  
Nabiki sighed and just shoved Ryoga onto her bed. "No more talk." She informed him, pressing her lips against his.  
"I'm home!" Soun cried from downstairs.  
"No!" Nabiki moaned. "NNNOOOO!" She looked like she might cry, she pinched Ryoga's shoulder, "You took too long!"  
"What? Kasumi barely left! It's been a minute, two tops!" Ryoga protested.  
"If you hadn't spent so much time *thinking* then we could have had sex twice!"  
"Well yeah I guess, considering how fast you-Ouch! Would you just put your shirt on?"  
Nabiki pulled her shirt over her head just as Soun walked in. "And what are you two doing?" He asked.  
"How'd you get in?" Nabiki asked. "I-eh I mean Kasumi told me to lock all the doors!"  
"Uh . . . we still have a hole in our wall . . ."  
"It isn't fixed?" Nabiki yelped.  
"The wall is fixed, we just still have a hole. Thinking of making it a side door." Soun shrugged.  
"You two weren't doing anything *wrong* were you?"  
"We would if you'd give us the chance!" Nabiki moaned.   
Soun shook his head. "Now now, once you're married you can do whatever you like. Speaking of which, when were you planning on actually getting married?"  
"Eh . . . well . . ." Nabiki looked at Ryoga.  
Ryoga shrugged. "I eh . . . would have to contact my parents . . . that could take a few minutes or a few months. They'd have to meet you, getting them here would take-again-a few months if we want to be optimistic."  
"We have to inform the entire Tendo clan." Soun nodded.  
"Eh . . . daddy, we *are* the entire Tendo clan." Nabiki observed.  
"You've got aunts and uncles that'd love to know you're getting married."  
"No! Not auntie Ikuyo! I don't want her anywhere *near* Ryoga!" Nabiki freaked out, Ryoga looked at her in confusion.  
"Why not?"  
"Er . . . it's best if we don't tell you." Soun said. "What about auntie Misako?"  
"You keep her and her freak of a son away from me or I'll disown you, daddy!"  
"Right . . . er . . . you really don't like our relatives much, do you?"  
"No, just those ones."  
"Okay, what about Uncle Miyagi?"  
"Him too."  
"Auntie Koshi?"  
"Her too."  
"Uncle Sano?"  
"There is no Uncle Sano."  
"Just seeing if you're paying attention." Soun shook his head. "Ryoga, you don't hate your family do you?"  
"I don't really know them well enough." Ryoga admitted.  
"Well at least it'll be a small wedding." Soun said. "And to think I had such plans. I promised your mother that I'd make sure my three girls had weddings they'd never forget. If you want it to be small then I'll personally have to do something to make it unforgettable."  
"If you're going to run around drunk and naked screaming about spiders then just invite everyone." Nabiki scowled.   
"How did you know that was what I was going to do?" Soun asked seriously.   
Nabiki blinked. Her jaw dropped and she gave her father a look of pure horror. "I didn't! You wouldn't! You're joking!" She yelped.  
"Eh . . . yes. Yes I was." Not even Akane would be stupid enough not to tell he was lying. "Well *son*," Soun said, throwing his arm around Ryoga's shoulders, "let's get to work, we've got to track down your parents and introduce them to your bride."  
"Can't Ryoga stay here?" Nabiki asked. "You can track down his parents and then have a nice long discussion about . . . well . . . something. Talk about parenting, or how honored you are to have their son marrying your favorite daughter."  
"You're marrying Kasumi too!?" Soun cried.  
"Daddy!" Nabiki cried, Ryoga was confused now. "I meant me!"  
"Oh right. Well I can talk to them I suppose, but how would I know what they look like?" Soun asked.  
"Ryoga! Give him a picture!" Nabiki commanded.  
"I would if I had one." Ryoga shrugged. "Guess I have to go."  
"Well then I'm going too. To make sure you don't get lost." Nabiki informed him.  
"Okay." Ryoga shrugged.  
"Then . . . we're off." Soun said excitedly. He left a note for Kasumi . . .  
Not so long after they left a vengeful panda and his suspiciously young looking wife showed up at the Tendo training hall.  
  
"You know, when you said we'd look for my parents," Ryoga said, "I thought you meant to do it by putting out an add in the paper, or perhaps hiring a private investigator. I didn't think we'd actually *look* for them." Ryoga said. "I really don't even know if they're in this country, let alone this town."  
"Nonsense, you come here often enough." Soun said.  
"Yes, but-"  
"Well then I'm sure we'll find them." Soun Tendo said simply.  
"It's getting late, isn't it?" Nabiki observed.  
"Well . . . yes." Soun said. "No matter, there was a motel five miles back, we can camp there if we don't get home before sunset . . . hey, where did they go?" Soun scratched his head. All he saw was a dust cloud as if someone were running very fast towards said motel . . . "By motel I meant to say cat house!"  
The dust cloud paused, then reversed direction, in an instant Soun could see Nabiki stomping back reluctantly, holding Ryoga by the his bandanna.  
"Alas, my poor desperate daughter. At least you came to your senses." Soun shook his head.  
"No she didn't!" Ryoga cried.  
"Yeah, I was going to keep going, but then I thought about it . . . I just don't want to have to compete with professionals." Nabiki growled.  
"Aha. Well, sucks to be you." Soun said, "Alright . . . I'm not rightly sure where we are."  
"NO!" Nabiki moaned. "Daddy, tell me that Ryoga just threw his voice!"  
"If that makes you feel any better . . ." Soun said. "Anyway, I guess we should just head home."  
"But you don't know where we are!" Ryoga yelped.  
"Now I know why Kasumi has a 'happy place', I really wish I had one . . ." Nabiki sighed.  
"Children, children!" Soun chuckled. "Ryoga, my poor idiot son-in-law, the one thing you never understood about being lost is that it's optional."  
"Eh?"  
"TAXI!" Soun shouted. As if on cue a dozen big yellow cabs appeared . . . and not a single one stopped. "Yes . . . well it takes a while." Soun sighed. He whistled, "TAXI!" He shouted, more cabs, not one stopped.  
"Ryoga-baby, go stand in the road." Nabiki instructed, Ryoga looked at her as if she were insane.  
Soun nodded vigorously. "Yes! Yes, go do that!"  
Ryoga gave them a look that read 'why does god hate me?' and stood in the middle of the road.  
"TAXI!" Soun shouted, three cabs drove up, one swerved out of the way of Ryoga and crashed, one tried to stop and spun out of control hitting an oil truck, and the third was brought to a screeching halt partially by Ryoga who'd put his hands out to keep from being squashed like a bug.  
"Where to Mac?" The cab driver said, as if it were so normal.  
"Aha, the Tendo Training Hall in Nerima." Soun said.  
"So this is the Taxi . . . I've heard so much of them, never before have I seen one." Ryoga said.  
"Liar." Nabiki scoffed. "Get in already!"  
"Will it hurt?" Ryoga asked.  
"Not as much as you'll hurt if you make us wait." Soun warned.  
"I started running the meter five minutes ago." The cab driver added.  
"But you've just picked us up now!" Ryoga cried.  
"Heh-heh . . . yeah." The cab driver smiled dumbly.  
  
Kasumi, Ranma, Akane and Lotion got home, Lotion was still silent, but she'd started writing notes just about as often as she normally spoke. Unfortunately she'd gone through three note pads and the only truly important thing she'd said was asking where "worthless male slave with the bandanna" and Nabiki were. That's when Kasumi remembered she was supposed to be at home to prevent the premature conception of her niece or nephew.  
But no one was home. She found a crumpled up note in the garbage with panda prints all over it, she couldn't make out what it said, just that it had something to do with Ryoga, father, and a search.  
Imagine Kasumi's surprise when the doorbell rang and it *wasn't* father and Ryoga with the object of their search, but the object of their search on it's own.  
There stood a slightly fat man with thin glasses, wearing a yellow and black bandanna like Ryoga's on his head. He wore the same yellow-green shirt as Ryoga, and the same green pants, same shoes even. His counterpart, who looked too young to rightly be his wife but probably was anyway, wore a more feminine version of the shirt, it came down to her knees and was tied at the waist making it into a skirt. She wore the bandanna around her neck, just like Nabiki. Both had large umbrellas that resembled Ryoga's, and enormous backpacks.  
"Hello!" The man said, his voice obviously disguised, "We're here to see our son."  
"Hiya pop!" Ranma called, "Why're you dressed up like Ryoga?"  
"Y-you must be mistaken." The man chuckled. "I'm eh . . . not your father, insolent fool boy. I am . . . Genma-er Genoga Hibiki, this is my wife Nodoga Hibiki. We're here to see our son . . .  
Ryoga."  
"Yes, we're answering an add in the paper, it says here that Soun Tendo seeks parents of his soon to be son-in-law."  
"This news paper looks like it was printed off a computer, pop." Ranma raised an eyebrow.  
"Again you call me father, what a strange, INSANE boy you are." Genma-er Genoga said.  
"It's such a pleasure to meet you!" Akane cried, shaking the False Hibiki's hands, "You know *I* was the first to know about your son and my sister, yep, I could tell from the first day Ryoga showed up here that he wanted my sister!"  
"That aint true, in fact she's around so rarely I don't think he even met Nabiki until he'd been here for a few days," Ranma said, "and even then he just sort of grunted and she nodded in dismissive manner."  
Akane glared at Ranma.  
"Well, you two should come in." Kasumi said, not wanting to keep their guests waiting outside. Of course they *looked* like Genma and Nodoka, but those two were away on a boat cruise for a few days yet. Besides, Ryoga looked sort of like Ranma, if those theories on genes and DNA were correct then it made sense that Ryoga's parents would resemble Ranma's parents . . . wait . . . was that right? Kasumi wasn't sure anymore. Who the heck were these people?"  
"Didja know your son turns into a little black piglet when you pour cold water on him?" Akane asked.  
"Maybe he didn't want them to know that!" Kasumi cried.  
"Oh we already knew all about it, Akane." Genoga said.  
"Yes, don't be silly Akane, we knew that, we watch TV too."  
"Aha yes, that pet competition . . . so tragic."  
"Eh . . . how did you know my name was Akane?"  
"You eh . . . er . . . told us?"  
"No I didn't."  
"Well Ryoga told us. In his letters . . . yes that's it."  
"How did you know it was her?" Ranma sneered.  
"Er . . ."  
"Give up the act old man!" Ranma cried, lunging for Genoga with a bucket of cold water.  
"You see we knew that no one could be so adorable and cute as to fit his description except this fine young girl." Nodoga offered.  
"Wow!" Akane blushed. Kasumi rolled her eyes. While that did sort of sound like something Ryoga would write these two were awfully fishy. "I'm so flattered!" Akane said, trying to hide her red face.  
"You're insultin' our intelligence pop . . . those of us that have intelligence anyway." Ranma scowled.  
"Again, idiot boy, I am not your father."  
"You know Ranma, not everything is about you." Akane scowled.  
"Are you sure? Until last month everything always *was* about me." Ranma pointed out.  
"He has a point." Kasumi added.  
"Well . . . well this isn't!" Akane cried. "This is about my sister and her boyfriend and-"  
"Look, I've seen Ryoga's parents and they aint it." Ranma scowled.  
"You saw Ryoga's parents?" Kasumi asked.  
"Eh . . . yeah. Yeah I'm . . . pretty sure." Ranma said.  
"Hah! Pretty sure? Not good enough!"  
"Oh yeah?" Ranma got a crafty look in his eyes. "We'll just see about that. You fat freak!"  
"Don't speak to your father that way!" Nodoga(?) cried. Genoga glared at her, she bowed her head in apology. "I am sorry. I have failed. I shall commit Seppuku then."  
"That's her answer for everything." Kasumi frowned, she took Nodoka's katana away and watched her aunt try to murder herself with the umbrella. "And father wants to unite our families through marriage . . ." Kasumi sighed. "I now appreciate Akane's sacrifice more than ever."  
"Sacrifice?" Ranma cried. "What'cha mean 'sacrifice'?" He phased out and drooled for a moment, then snapped back, "She aint made no sacrifice! I'm the one making the sacrifice, marrying a sexless tomboy like her!"  
"Sexless? Look who's talking!" Akane cried, throwing a glass of water at Ranma, it connected, hitting Ranko right between the eyes. "How can you be so rude to Ryoga's parents?"  
"Akane, you really are thick as a brick!" Ranma yelped in shock. He grabbed a glass and tossed it in Genma's face!  
There was a flash of movement, the water never touched Genma, but he was soaked with sweat. Nodoka swallowed the mass of water and sighed. "I learned a new talent on vacation!"  
"What talent?" Kasumi asked.  
"I can catch delicious liquids in my mouth before they hit my face." Nodoka said, "I've toned it into a reflex, I only had to put my face in front of my husband's."  
"T-thank you." Genma gasped.  
"Wait . . . why would you need to catch liquids headed fer yer face . . in yer mouth . . . AAAAHHHHHH!" Ranko screamed and curled into a ball, sucking her thumb and crying.  
"The image too much for you boy?" Genma sneered.  
"I'm so sorry for his rude behavior." Akane said.  
"Oh give it up Akane!" Kasumi cried. "You two, why are you dressed up like that?"  
"Well . . ." Genma sighed. "When I found out your father slept with my wife-"  
"Honestly, we were drunk, we didn't know what we were doing, and besides-"  
"No 'besides'! I don't want to hear the 'besides'!" Genma cried. "Anyway, I decided I'd murder him in cold blood, but he'd expect it if he saw me back early, so I decided to pose as Ryoga's father. I knew I should have bought a wig, but these fake fangs were uncomfortable enough."  
"Yes . . ." Nodoka sighed, "But I'm going to wear them the next time I give a-"  
"AAAAHHHHHH!!!" Ranko moaned.  
"-That'll make it even more fun!" Nodoka cried.  
"But . . . but why would dad sleep with Ryoga's mom? That makes Ryoga and Nabiki like . . . brother and sister!"  
"Oh for crying out loud!" Genma tore the bandanna off and took the false teeth out, "It's me and your auntie Nodoka!"  
Akane stared for a moment. "Dad slept with Ranma's mom?"  
"Yes. It was wonderful." Nodoka glowed.  
"But . . . but that makes me and Ranma like brother and sister!"  
"Only if Genma dies in a airplane crash and I marry your father." Nodoka nodded.  
"B-but . . . but . . . ewe!"  
"Don't worry, I decided not to sabotage the plane unless Nabiki agreed to help . . . so I'd have a patsy. Oh, by the way, do you girls like Japan?"  
"Extremely." Kasumi nodded.  
"Because if we moved to Hawaii we could all be very happy. We'd air lift our houses to Hawaii, build Saotome-Tendo town, set our homes up right next to each other with a third smaller house for Ranma and Akane . . . and I'd spend all day in my underwear trying to entice your father over-"  
"See what I'm dealing with? This has driven me to wanting to kill my lifelong friend!" Genma cried.  
"I must admit, she is acting rather strangely."  
"No I'm not, I'm just horny." Nodoka shrugged. She fell to her knees. "I'm almost forty-"  
"Eh, dear-" Genma tried to interrupt.  
"I said I'm *almost* forty!" Nodoka repeated, "I'm getting old, I just wanted to feel sexy!"  
"So sleeping with my best friend and a helicopter pilot helped you do that?" Akane asked.  
"And the zoo keepers, and the ice cream man, then there was that boy on the bike, the tales of teenage stamina are grossly exaggerated-or maybe it was because of his ten mile ride, I'm not sure-those two homeless people in the park, the ship's captain, first mate, ahh heck, half the crew actually."  
"Oh my god!" Genma cried.   
Ranma was weeping now.  
"Oh! And then there was that couple on the cruise ship, those strangers in that bar, that guy who asked me if I could take a picture of him, with his wife and his children, that woman with male . . . eh . . . body parts, cant forget that. Oh! And . . . well you know those fighter pilots that thought our helicopter was a hostile aircraft? Well I told them to meet me at ten."  
Genma fell face forward, Ranko was singing something *loudly* with her fingers in her ears,  
Akane was a frozen statue of shock, Kasumi just scoffed.  
"That's disgusting!" She said at last. "I can understand your need to feel special, but you have a husband who loves you, and a son who until now seemed to think you were a virgin, and of course don't forget that the vengeful spirit of our mother will haunt you endlessly-if such things truly exist."  
"Yes . . . the price was great, actually I am haunted by quite a few people now. I've slept with a lot of people with dead lovers or parents that feel it's wrong of me to damn people's souls by getting them to commit adultery. I've gotten used to it."  
"Really?" Kasumi blinked.  
"No. Do I look like the sort of person who believes in ghosts?"  
"Oh . . ."  
Just then the doors opened, Nabiki walked in, she looked around, looked at Genma, wearing Ryoga's cloths, and Nodoka who still hadn't changed out of her costume. "Laundry day?" She asked, she didn't bother to inquire about why they were home early, she probably didn't care.  
Ryoga came in next. He blinked. "M-mom! D-dad! You're here!" He ran up to them and hugged them. "Hey . . . wait a minute . . . you're not my mom and dad!"  
"Can't you tell them by site?" Nabiki blinked.  
"You mean you don't recognize us?" Genma gasped, Kasumi glared at him. "Okay, fine then,  
we're not."  
Nodoka didn't let Ryoga go, she squeezed him tight, then saw Nabiki's neutral face become a deadly glare, she released the boy quickly but handed him a small peace of paper.  
"Ten forty five." She whispered.  
"What?" Ryoga looked at the paper in confusion, Genma moaned.  
Kasumi snatched the paper away. "You're not corrupting my future-brother-in-law!"  
"Nonsense I wouldn't even suggest it." She said. "I mean, after all, Ranma is my son."  
"I meant my other future-brother-in-law." Kasumi clarified.  
"Oh . . . what?" Nodoka looked at Ryoga, then Nabiki. "AHH! You really did get her pregnant?"  
"No." Nabiki said.  
"Oh . . . why the heck are you marrying him then?" Nodoka asked. She put one hand on the boy's shoulder, the other she forced him to turn his face to Nabiki. "He's cute, but not your type, he isn't a money making machine and he certainly isn't smart enough for you!"  
"Hey!" Ryoga cried.  
"But he knows colors . . . he's almost strong enough to kick Ranma's butt if I ever tell him too, he'd come in handy if I ever need to have burglars extracted from our home-assuming he's home to do it-and most importantly in any marriage," Nabiki looked around the room and grinned.  
"Well he's actually rather good in bed. If he were a sandwich he'd be . . . turkey, it's great but it'll put you to sleep. Some day I'll turn him into a hamburger, greasy, beefy, and loaded with secret sauce." Nabiki said, this was the wrong thing to say for many reasons. For one, it obviously sparked Nodoka's interest because she was massaging Ryoga's shoulder now, then again father had just finished paying the cab driver and was standing right behind Nabiki.  
"W-what did you s-say?" Soun demanded, his head was giant and scary now, steam came out of his nose and ears.  
There was no way Nabiki would talk her way out of this! Kasumi watched with a mixture of sympathy and eagerness, expecting her sister to receive her first real scolding in years!  
"You slept with Ryoga? I'll tar and feather you both, I'll cut out that pleasure giving tongue Ryoga, I'll boil you in oil, pack your bags Nabiki, you're going to be sent to a convent, as for you Ryoga, well I'm going to castrate you!"  
"Oh don't! Not yet . . . wait until eleven o'clock." Nodoka pleaded.  
"Why does everyone want to castrate me?" Ryoga yelped.  
Oh Nabiki would never talk her way out of this! She was doomed! Ryoga was doomed!   
Lotion-who hadn't spoken at all and thus made it easy to forget of her existence-wrote a note to Soun and handed him an evil looking knife.  
"Castrating knife?" Soun read the note. "Excellent! Now I don't have to buy one!" He glared at Ryoga.  
"Daddy." Nabiki said. "Sit."  
Soun dropped the knife, and sat down at the table. Nabiki gave him a cigarette. "Hmm . . . well maybe it's not so bad, you two are engaged anyway right? There's no problem."  
"Oh my god!" Kasumi shouted. "No! No! That did not just happen! How did that happen? How did that happen!? I mean come on! Come on! Come on!"  
"Relax Kasumi." Nabiki said.  
"No! No you always do this! You always talk your way out of these things! And this time you did it with just two words! I almost expect you to announce that you're the head of all crime in Nerima, and see dad just shrug and say 'okay'! It isn't right! You should be punished. I think I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands."  
"What?"  
"As the only mother figure in this family, and apparently the only parent who wont back down from a 'sit' command, I will deal the punishment."  
"Oh fine." Nabiki glared.  
"Young lady . . . you will . . . you will not have sex with Ryoga again, until you are both over eighteen."  
"You expect me to just agree?"  
"That or Lotion castrates him."  
Lotion held the knife, looked at Ryoga and sighed. She passed Kasumi a note that said "I don't actually know what 'castrate' means, I just had a knife labeled for that purpose when I bought the kit."  
Nabiki glared. "I refuse to speak to you anymore. But everyone else, my sister Kasumi sucks."   
"Really? Me too!" Nodoka cried.  
Everyone stared.  
"What?" Nodoka asked. "What?"  
"Oh yeah . . ." Genma said, "Tendo! How DARE you sleep with my wife!" He leapt at Soun and the two went into death rolls, they'd be at it for a while.  
"Well . . . it's almost ten." Nodoka said. "I must prepare a bed. Kasumi, I'm afraid you'll have several sheets to wash tomorrow."  
Kasumi glared at Nodoka. "I'm not washing your sex-waste off anything, you do it yourself."  
"Oh fiddlesticks."  
"Mom! D-don't do it! If you need to feel special, go and win the Olympics or something!"  
"Oh son-eh daughter-er son, winning the Olympics would be a very manly thing to do, but it wont work for me. Besides, you all seem to forget, I don't want to feel special, I want to feel sexy. Say, do you think my breasts are a nice size? Should I have implants?"  
"You're asking ME?" Ranma cried.  
"Well you're a girl now, so surely you know if these are an appropriate size."  
"If you want to feel sexy, you need implants." Nabiki said. "Doubling the size wont be enough either, we're talking touch the floor, hooker sized hooters."  
"Y-yeah. Akari said y-you know an awful lot about that." Ryoga pointed out.  
Kasumi blinked, did that mean what she thought it meant? Nabiki's breasts were impressive, but not exactly implant size, but then Kasumi hadn't paid much attention to her sister's breasts, Nabiki *had* been rather shy about her development . . . when it was over though they'd had to lock her up at night like a cat in heat.   
Nabiki glared, she grabbed Ryoga's hand, "Does *this* feel like an implant to you?" She  
demanded, holding his hand to her breast.  
"I-I-I w-w-w-wouldn't kn-kn-know!" Ryoga cried.  
"Nabiki!" Nodoka cried.  
"Nabiki!" Akane gasped.  
"Nabiki!" Kasumi cried.  
"I was going to do that!" Nodoka said angrily.  
"Neither of you is supposed to do that, he's just a poor innocent creature!" Kasumi said.  
"We're not having sex! You can't do anything! Nyah!" Nabiki sneered.  
"I thought you two slept together, why did he just faint?" Nodoka asked.  
"Hmm? Oh he's a wuss." Nabiki said simply.  
Kasumi shook her head. "This is the strangest family in the world."  
"And just think, soon it'll be even bigger!" Akane squeaked. "Once Ryoga and Nabiki's baby is born!"  
"I'm not pregnant!" Nabiki cried.  
"But you will be." Akane grinned.  
"Not for another year."  
"Two years, I said you weren't having sex until you're *both* over eighteen."  
"I'm seventeen!" Nabiki scowled.  
"He's sixteen."  
"Darn!" She glared at Ryoga, but he was unconscious. "Could we have sex on birthdays?"  
"His eighteenth birthday, sure."  
"What about Christmas?"  
"Christmas in two years? Of course."  
Nabiki looked sad now. "Thursdays?" she asked, choking back crocodile tears.  
"No Thursdays." Kasumi said solemnly.  
"You hear that? No Thursdays! My evil sister is just too cruel!" Nabiki wept, but even Akane could tell they were fake tears.  
"You know, this reminds me of the time we decided to teach Kasumi not to smoke . . ." Soun said to Genma, the two paused their fight to reminisce.  
"Ah yes, we found her pretending to smoke so you decided to teach her a lesson." Genma nodded.  
"How'd you do that?" Akane asked.  
"Yes, how did you do that?" Kasumi demanded, because she had no memory of this.  
"We made her smoke a whole carton of cigarettes." Soun coughed. "I er . . . you were five at the time, the eh . . . the neighbors didn't think it to be very good parenting."  
"Why don't I remember this?" Kausmi cried.  
"I expect you repressed the memory because you had to go the hospital afterwards."  
"What kind of father are you?!" Kasumi cried.  
"The best you'll ever have!" Soun cried. "Anyway it worked, you never smoked again, in fact after the accompanying lecture you never wanted to do anything immoral again . . . that's why you're a nineteen year old girl who takes care of her worthless father and her self-centered sisters as if she were twice her age."  
"Self-centered?" Akane cried.  
"Wait a moment, you expect us to make Nabiki smoke a carton of cigarettes?" Nodoka asked.  
"Of course not, of all the people in this house she'd probably enjoy it!" Soun scoffed.  
"I would?" Nabiki blinked.  
"What? No. No, smoking is bad, you don't ever want to smoke." Soun said, lighting another cigarette. "Very bad, tastes like tar, and your mouth will be like an ash tray, Ryoga wont want to kiss you anymore."  
"So I'd train him by making him eat an ashtray breakfast, lunch and dinner. Bring on the carton!" Nabiki announced.  
"Eh . . . no that's not what we're going to do. You're going to go have sex with Ryoga . . . oh lets say five times a day for a week. After that you two wont even want to look at each other." Soun said, pleased with himself.  
Nabiki blinked. Then she hugged Soun, "Oh thank you daddy! You're so smart! I like you're punishment so much more than Kasumi's mean punish-eh I mean Oh no! Not that!"  
"No . . . no she'd *really* enjoy that." Nodoka sighed. "Better to make it a violent, unpleasant experience. I'd say make it five boys with five more coming in to take over every ten minutes, until she's screwed to exhaustion, and hopefully she wont end up with any STDs."  
"WHAT!?!" Nabiki screamed.  
"Don't worry, I'll switch places with you before it starts." Nodoka whispered.  
"No . . . no that's a bit extreme, I don't want to hurt my daughters."  
"Why was I in the-hey! I remember, I coughed up a lung!" Kasumi cried.  
"I think we'll just have her have sex with Ryoga, and then lecture them thoroughly."  
"Right . . . we should get to work on that." Nabiki said, she shook Ryoga awake. "Wake up! We're gonna go screw around now!"  
He came around, and looked really confused. Just then, as Nabiki was about to lead him off and Kasumi was lecturing Soun as she'd never lectured before the door bell rang, Kasumi went to open it and a pair draped in shadow was the sight that greeted her.  
"Hello, we're here about our son, Ryoga." One of them said.  
Kasumi's eyes narrowed. "You have got to be kidding."  
"No, we're quite serious." The other said. "You see we were in the neighborhood and we were told our son often comes here, and that he'd been here very often lately, we felt this would be a good chance to come and meet with him, and perhaps catch up on all the things that have  
happened since we were last together."  
Kasumi repeated, "You have got to be kidding."  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
"So son, you didn't introduce us to Nabiki, which one is she? The one with the sword? She seems a bit old for you, but then-" Ryoga's father was saying.  
"I'm Nabiki." Nabiki said calmly.  
Ryoga's mother forced a smile. "I was afraid of that."  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Nabiki growled. 


	27. Family: The Tie that Binds People to Cha...

Note: I have no idea what Ryoga's parents are named.  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 27  
Family: The Tie that Binds People to Chairs!  
  
"You have got to be kidding." Kasumi repeated.  
"But . . . we're not. If we have the wrong address we're terribly sorry,"  
"It wouldn't surprise me at all if we did have the wrong place," The second form said. It-she(?) turned on her companion.   
"And what is that supposed to mean?" The first demanded.  
"Can't you ask for directions just once in your life?"  
"I could, I used to too, but then I realized they weren't doing me any good, dear."  
"Well I'm not beyond asking for directions!" She snapped. Then to Kasumi in a voice so polite it almost made her forget that the figure had been yelling a moment ago, she asked, "Where is the Tendo training hall? Do you know?"  
"Well of course I do, you are at the Tendo Training Hall, but you can't be here for Ryoga!"  
"And why not?" Both said together.  
"Well we never sent any message out for his parents to come, and it seems rather coincidental that you would show up now, you must be assassins hired by Mr. Saotome!"  
"Wow! I hired assassins? I sure was on top of things." Genma said proudly.  
Lotion looked hurt. "How could you hire assassins . . . and not come to me first!?" She screamed at Saotome. It was the first thing she'd said all day. Kasumi wished she'd remained quiet.  
"Eh . . . I'm sorry . . . do I know you?" Genma asked Lotion.  
The young Chinese girl scoffed and crossed her arms. "I have nothing to say to you or anyone else! You have offended my honor and-"  
"I thought you had nothing to say." Nabiki said monotonously.  
"MMMM!!!" Lotion scowled.  
  
Meanwhile Cologne decided it'd been too long since she'd pestered future son-in-law. So she went over to the Tendo training hall. When she arrived she found Kasumi negotiating with two visitors, very unlike her. "Hello Kasumi." Cologne said.  
"Oh! Hello Cologne." Kasumi said. "Ryoga said something about you telling Akari not to break his legs, that was very kind of you."  
"Who is trying to break our son's legs?!" One of the visitors cried.  
"We do what we can for those we can help." Cologne said benevolently.  
"Oh wont you come in?" Kasumi asked.  
"I shall." Cologne nodded.  
"What about us? Where is our son?" The other visitor cried.  
"Oh . . . right . . ." Kasumi scratched her head.  
"Just let them in, it will rain soon." Cologne said.  
"Yes. Okay." Kasumi said. "Come in please."  
"It's about time." The woman scoffed.  
Cologne came inside and saw Ryoga coming out of a swoon, Nabiki looking really annoyed with him, Nodoka checking her watch, Genma cringing under the hateful gaze of . . . Lo-Chun!  
"Wak! What are you doing here?!" Cologne scowled at the young Amazon. "Didn't you go back to the village yet?"  
Lotion scowled, then tried to say something, but didn't. Cologne chuckled. Then she turned to Ranma, who'd just doused himself with a kettle of hot water. "Hello future son-in-law. I trust you have been well."  
"About as well as I can be." Ranma scoffed. "Ever since you started bugging Ryoga instead of me, life has been cake."  
"Is that so . . . well . . . I have great news. I've decided to mix work with pleasure." Cologne said.  
"Eh . . . yeah, good fer you." Ranma shrugged. "Not that I care, what does that mean?"  
"It means you cant-eh I mean you *can* have your cake and eat it too." Cologne grinned. "Don't go anywhere, you'll want to see this."  
"Eh . . . okay."  
The two strangers came in, Ryoga came around immediately. "I was having the most wonderful dream!" He cried. "Except you were there!" he pointed to Nabiki. "And you! And you!" He pointed to Kasumi and Ranma respectively. "And you (Soun), and you (Akane), and . . . who are you again?" He pointed to Lo-Chun.  
The young assassin's face became a perfect picture of fury and she reached into some unseen pocket, took out a piece of paper and a crayon that was nearly spent, she wrote a note and handed it to Ryoga.  
"I am the feared assassin Han Lo-Chun" Ryoga read out loud. "Oh yeah, I remember you."  
"Do you remember us?" One of the visitors asked. He bore a slight resemblance to Ryoga,  
Cologne immediately assumed he was some relative. Said something about Ryoga being his son? This gave her an idea.  
"Father?"  
"He's not insane!" Ryoga's father cried happily.  
"And mother?" Ryoga frowned. "What are you two doing here?"  
"We met at an Okonomyaki restaurant." Ryoga's mother said.  
"The clerk said she knew you, and that you usually hung out at the Tendo Training Hall. We decided to come see you, to spend some time as a family again." His father added.  
"How sweet." Nodoka said. "I wish I could be with my husband and son . . ."  
"We're right here dear." Genma said.  
Nodoka nodded. "Yes, I know but you see I don't have time to spend with you, it's ten, the pilots will be here for the threesome."  
"Why god? Why!?" Genma cried. "She said she'd be her normal old self when we got back!"  
"I lied." Nodoka said simply. The doorbell rang, Kasumi answered it and two rather attractive men came inside asking for "The Widow Saotome"  
"Aha, well Kasumi, we're off to perform our filthy acts of adultery in your bedroom."  
"Some times it's hard not to scream." Kasumi mumbled.  
"Excuse me young men, do you know that woman is my wife?" Genma demanded.  
"Did you know we don't care?" One of the pilots asked.  
"Don't worry honey, this is the last time I'll go outside of our marriage, I promise." Nodoka said.   
Cologne scratched her head. This was new . . .  
But then she didn't care.  
"Ryoga, why don't you introduce us to everyone?" Ryoga's mother suggested.  
"Er . . . right. Uh . . . lets see . . . well eh . . . Ranma, mom'n'dad, mom'n'dad Ranma, Akane, mom'n'dad, mom'n'dad, Akane."  
This went on for quite a while. Lotion's introduction took some time because Ryoga introduced her full title, "The Feared Amazonian Warrioress-Assassin Hand Lotion"  
The last person he introduced was Nabiki. "And this is my fiancée-"  
Cologne sprung, she splashed Ranma with cold water and shoved him forward, Ranko was what Ryoga's parents saw, Ryoga saw Ranko and yelped "Ranma!"  
"You're engaged to this fine young lady?" Ryoga's father exclaimed. "Son, how on earth did you get so lucky?"  
Cologne expected Nabiki to be furious, to her surprise the middle Tendo was holding back laughter.  
Well if not for Ryoga and future son-in-law's obvious agonized embarrassment Cologne would have called the whole thing a failed attempt at cruelty. She'd have to mix business with pleasure more often, she needed practice.  
"N-no, this isn't my fiancée-" Ryoga said, Ranko cut him off.  
"So I'm not good enough for ya?" She demanded.  
Ryoga blinked. He stared at Ranko for a moment. "Have you lost it Ranma?"  
Ranma thought for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah, yer right, yer not man enough for me anyway."  
Now Nabiki failed to contain her laughter, Lotion even giggled, Kasumi was smiling, Soun and Genma looked confused, Akane was outraged.  
"Ranma, stop teasing Ryoga!" Akane shoved Ranma aside and apologized to Ryoga's parents.  
"You'll have to forgive him-eh her, he-er she is a jerk. Your son is actually engaged to my sister, Nabiki. And *I* was the first one to know they were in love." Akane said proudly.  
"Yes, she knew before anyone else-your son and our sister included-even cared." Kasumi said.  
"Oh . . . that's too bad, that one was cute." Ryoga's mother said.  
"Believe me, you don't want that one as your daughter-in-law." Akane glared at Ranko, who put her hands up in surrender.  
"Gee Akane, cant a girl have a wee bit 'o fun?"  
"So son, you didn't introduce us to Nabiki, which one is she? The one with the sword? She seems a bit old for you, but then-" Ryoga's father was saying.  
"I'm Nabiki." Nabiki said calmly.  
Ryoga's mother forced a smile. "I was afraid of that."  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Nabiki growled.  
"Oh nothing. Lots of girls dress like . . . that."  
"Like what?!" Nabiki demanded.  
"Oh nothing, nothing!" Ryoga's father threw a hand over his wife's mouth.  
Ryoga's mother bit her husband's hand with sharp canines, apparently Ryoga got the fangs from her side of the family.  
"Well . . . this is entertaining." Cologne said.  
"Indeed." Kasumi nodded. "I wish I had a video camera, this would take Weeks of our Lives right off the air."  
"Oh, you watch Weeks of our Lives?" Ryoga's mother exclaimed. "I've missed the last twenty episodes, tell me, did Gray tell Lori he loved her?"  
"Yes. Then he broke up with her and then got back together with her, got her pregnant, killed his evil twin brother who then got together with Andrea . . . or was it Angora? Anyway they had a baby but for some reason Lori is still pregnant, their child is named Brian junior."  
"Brian junior?"  
"Yes. And then Ray went into a coma, and now Jennifer is waiting for him to wake up so she can tell him that she's pregnant with his child."  
"But she's five years old!"  
"Yes, but there is another Jennifer, the twenty six year old Jennifer from the future, she had a time machine and she went into the past to warn Ray that he'd be going into a coma and-"  
"Kasumi, that is all very nice, but for those of us who think soap operas are stupid, and ridiculous, and also don't know what the heck you're talking about, please be quiet." Soun said, massaging his forehead.  
"Yes father." Kasumi sighed.  
"You should marry that one, son." Ryoga's mother said. "She has good taste in television shows."  
"I watch Weeks of our Lives too!" Nabiki cried.  
"Oh really?" Ryoga's mother raised an eyebrow.  
"Yes."  
"I can vouch that." Lo-Chun nodded.  
"Then tell me, what is Billy's favorite thing in the world?"  
Cologne watched the middle Tendo try to figure it out. "Eh . . . cigarettes?"  
"Anyone could have known that!" Ryoga's mother scowled.  
"I have a great idea," Ryoga said, "how about if, before you judged her, you got to know Nabiki . . . no . . . no that might not work . . ."  
"Now Ryoga, I think that's a great idea." Kasumi enthused.  
"Yes . . . once they really know her, get to know how truly evil she is, they'll hate her even more." Cologne nodded.  
"You know elder, you do not have to comment on *everything*." Lo-Chun informed Cologne.   
Cologne scowled. "I knew you'd remember how to speak eventually."  
  
"Well, they don't like me much, do they?" Nabiki scoffed as she shoved Ryoga towards the bed.  
"Eh . . . no, I cant say they do." Ryoga nodded.  
"Do you think they'll come around?"  
"They had better, or I'll be forced to disown them." Ryoga said seriously, Nabiki laughed bitterly. She was about to take her shirt off when there was a knock on the door. "It never ends!" Nabiki moaned. She stomped over to the door and opened it, there was Kasumi.   
"Aha, Nabiki, I've managed to convince father that allowing you to have sex with Ryoga doesn't constitute to actual punishment."  
"Ryoga, please tell whoever it is at the door that I'm still not talking to them."  
"Eh, she say's"  
"Yes, I heard her." Kasumi said sadly. "Anyway I think it'd be best if Ryoga slept in the guest room with his parents and Ranma and Mr. Saotome."  
"Will Nodoka be there?" Nabiki broke her vow of silence towards Kasumi to ask that one vital question."  
"No, she's unconscious in my room." Kasumi said. "As such I will be sleeping in the dojo with Hand Lotion."  
"Oooh! But that's not proper!"  
"She's a girl Nabiki."  
"Yeah, and we all know your sexual preferences!" Nabiki said wildly.  
Kasumi frowned. "You have to learn when to just give up Nabiki."  
"I know!" Nabiki whined. She stomped over to her bed, and sighed. "Fine then, take my beloved fiancée from me in my moment of heat, I'll just go see if maybe one of the pilots is still hanging around here."  
"What!" Ryoga protested.  
"Don't listen to her, I made sure they left right away." Kasumi said to Ryoga. "Military men in a house full of innocent young flowers-and Ranma-I couldn't let them stay for a moment longer than necessary." She turned to Nabiki. "To any sisters I might have who want to pretend I don't exist because I don't want them having pre-marital sex, I just wanted to note that I heard Ryoga's mother make a comment about how you're better than 'the pig farmer' but not so good as 'the billionaire's daughter', at least she understands you're better than Akari."  
"Oh great. And who is this billionaire's daughter?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Gotta go now!" Ryoga said, "much to talk about with mom and dad y'know, see ya!"  
"Hey! Hey you said you hadn't had any other girlfriends before me and Akari!"  
"I haven't. See you tomorrow!" Ryoga said, running off. Kasumi shook her head.  
"Don't worry Nabiki, I'm sure they'll get to know you better and then they'll . . . uh . . . oh . . . well maybe you could be on your best behavior for now."  
Nabiki glared. "Oh right, you're still not talking to me." Kasumi frowned. "Well, maybe tomorrow you could wear that blue sweater with the white pants you usually wear . . . instead of those short shorts that you decided to cut even shorter . . . just a suggestion."  
"BUT THAT'S A WINTER OUTFIT! IT'S SPRING!" Nabiki exploded.  
Kasumi smiled warmly, "Aha, you talked to me."  
"I talked towards you."  
"Good enough for me." Kasumi said. "Bye!" She hugged Nabiki and left. Nabiki glared after her.  
  
"Look, mother, I know maybe Nabiki can look a little . . ." Ryoga searched for the correct word. He was going to say "evil" or "like a female version of the devil", his mother however had a very different definition for the middle Tendo:  
"'Look a little' like a the sort of woman who stands on the side of the street with a trench coat; which she opens for each passerby and asks them if they want to 'party' because that's the only way she can make enough money to feed her starving children who have resorted to incest as a form of entertainment because the house has no cable, phones, radio or even windows?"  
Ryoga blinked. "Wow, you really don't like her!"  
"Oh don't be silly Ryoga, she's lovely."  
Ryoga gawked at his mother. "You . . . you just said-"  
"Come now son, it's not what you say that counts, it's what you do."  
"I guess . . ." Ryoga scratched his head. "Could you just be a little nicer to her?"  
"Why? Wasn't I nice?" Mother asked.  
"No, you were horrible!" Ryoga scowled.  
"Can't a person get some sleep?" Ryoga's father grumbled.  
"Look, I love her okay-"  
"Of course son. It's natural for a young boy to think you're in love with a girl when you're not."  
"But I *am*!" Ryoga scowled.  
"Certainly you feel that way. Of course you just forgot all about Harume."  
"Who?"  
"You know, Yoshimi Harume, the daughter of billionaire Kotaro Harume, head of Harume Enterprises, heiress to a fortune large enough to found a country, the girl who so desperately tried to get you to fall in love with her."  
"We were five!" Ryoga cried.  
"Yes, and you broke her heart."  
"I wasn't interested in girls then, I was *five*!"  
"So you're saying if you could come into contact with her again you'd marry her instead?"  
"No! I love Nabiki, I want to marry her, I'm engaged to *her*, I don't care if she's evil, I don't care if she's blackmailed me time and time again, I don't care if she's sex-obsessed-"  
"I'd call that a plus." Ryoga's father added.  
"I don't care that you don't like her, mother, because I will marry her."  
"Unless she changes *her* mind?"  
"Yes?" Ryoga stared at his mother. "What are you planning?"  
"I asked your friend with the pigtail about her . . . turns out she'll do anything for the right price . . ."  
"You're going to pay her to break up with me?" Ryoga scowled.  
"No, we're going to have Yoshimi Harume pay her to break up with you, then you'll be free to wed her and we can enter the seat of power in the new empire that her father will build. If this Nabiki really loves you, she will refuse the money and not break up with you."  
"That's just dumb." Ryoga scoffed. He knew Nabiki would never refuse money if it were offered to her in a large enough amount!  
"Dumb like a moose, Ryoga, dumb like a moose!"  
"You know Nabiki was planning on making her own empire too, she was all set up to buy an island, then I failed to win her one million American dollars and . . . oh why do I bother? I'll make you a deal mother, if Nabiki shows more strength of character than you expected and refuses Yoshimi's money, then you have to pay for the wedding."  
"That's dumb."  
"Dumb like a moose, mother, dumb like a moose!"  
"Oh alright." Ryoga's mother sighed.  
"And one more thing," Ryoga said.  
"What?"  
"Please, *please* don't piss her off."  
"Why would I do that?" Mother cried innocently.  
"I'm warning you, at her disposal are powers against which you cannot hope to contend." Ryoga said, perhaps he was exaggerating a bit, yet Nabiki was like a goddess to him, both in body and mind, but also because of the strange powers she seemed to have over people.   
"Oh really? Well then, young man, let us see who has true power, when I get Yoshimi and her father down here."  
"Nabiki will bankrupt their company and found her own." Ryoga warned. Actually he hoped she did, that'd show mother who the crack whore was. No, that wasn't fair, Ryoga hadn't seen Yoshimi for eleven years, maybe she was just a regular whore.  
  
The next day, Nabiki woke much earlier than anyone else, she showered and dressed quickly, and decided to check on Ryoga, maybe they could make out or something before Kasumi woke up.  
However she found Ryoga sound asleep, Ranma and Genma were too, but Ryoga's parents were awake and chatting. They stopped when they saw her, his father smiled and waved, his mother scowled at her.  
Nabiki wondered if maybe Kasumi was right about being on her best behavior. "Good morning!" She said cheerfully. "How are you today?"  
"Fine, thanks." Mr. Hibiki shrugged.  
"I just learned my son was engaged to a silly little slut, how would you be? My glass heart shattered."  
Nabiki decided Kasumi was an idiot. "Really? Are you sure it was made of glass, not ice?" Nabiki growled. Ryoga's mother glared at her, electricity snapped between the two of them for a moment, though Nabiki didn't realize it her fists clenched. Eventually the older woman averted her gaze first, Nabiki was left feeling as if she'd had some strange sort of victory.  
"Well," Nabiki said cheerfully, "why don't we have a quick little chat?"  
"Oh that would be lovely." Ryoga's mother said coolly.  
"Eh . . . chat? About what?" Ryoga's father asked.  
Nabiki sat down across from Ryoga's mother. "So," she said, "I see Ryoga gets his fangs from you-"  
"They aren't fangs, I don't appreciate you calling them that."  
"But you call them fangs all the time hon-ooff!" Ryoga's father began, but was cut off by an elbow in the chest.  
"I'm terribly sorry." Nabiki said. "You know, Ryoga sends Akane all sorts of souvenirs from the places he visits, he goes to such interesting places, have you ever been to someplace really interesting?"  
"Of course not."  
"Don't be modest honey. The whole family does a fair amount of traveling actually."  
"Right, the sense of direction thing . . ." Nabiki trailed off, and as she expected Ryoga's mother erupted.  
"I don't have a bad sense of direction!" She hissed.  
As she expected, Ryoga's father gave the truthful answer. "Honey, it's nothing to be ashamed of!"  
"Look," Nabiki said, "why don't we go for a walk?" She offered. "I'll bet you don't come by this place often, let me show you around town!"  
"Not on your life!"  
"That'd be wonderful!"  
  
Later that day Ryoga woke early (but not so early as Nabiki) and found his way to the kitchen,  
Kasumi was there, she looked to be lacking sleep, "Good morning." Ryoga offered.  
"She wouldn't shut up!" Kasumi growled. "She wanted to start a fire and roast marshmallows! She wanted to show me how to throw steak knives, then she expected me to kiss her finger when she pricked herself on one of them!"  
"Are we talking about the assassin?"  
"YES!"  
"Oh . . . okay." Ryoga blinked. "Maybe you should get a little more rest?" He offered.  
"Rest? REST!? Impossible! I have to cook, I have to clean, I have to-"  
"You have a slave for all that, remember?" Ryoga said.  
Kasumi looked right through him. "You're right . . . where is he? Ryoga! RYOGA!" She shouted.  
"I'm right here Kasumi." Ryoga said. "I think you need to get some sleep."  
"Yes . . . yes . . . sleep . . . must sleep . . . sleep is good . . ."  
"I'll make breakfast." Ryoga assured her.  
"Hmm . . . we're all going to die . . . but I must rest . . . oh my . . . please don't use any vinegar, Akane."  
"Eh . . . I wont." Ryoga blinked.  
"Good night . . ." Kasumi said, she stumbled off into the dining room and fell asleep on the table. Ryoga went to work preparing food, he made an extravagant dinner of noodles because when it came right down to it he was cooking for maybe a dozen people and that was the only thing he could prepare quickly.  
Akane came downstairs before anyone else, she smiled at Ryoga and said, "You're cooking? You should have woken me up, I'd have helped you!"  
"Sorry, you know me and my sense of direction." Ryoga said with a forced smile. 'And I want my parents to *live* long enough to accept Nabiki.' He thought.  
"Wow! These are great! Did you make them from scratch?"  
"I can't make noodles from-I mean yes. Yes I did. Good aren't they?" Ryoga grinned.  
"Oh they're the best!" Akane cried.  
"Enough! No more flirting with my man!" Ryoga thought Nabiki had said it, to his surprise it was Ranko.  
"Oh, hi Ranma." He said lamely.  
"Oh don't be that way, what with our engagement!"  
"I really wish you hadn't reminded me of that, I blame my mother's dislike of Nabiki purely on the bad introduction."  
"And whose fault was that?" Ranko scoffed.  
"Cologne's mostly." Ryoga shrugged.  
"Really? I was going to blame you." Ranko said.  
"Hey, I wanted to introduce her last, all dramatic like, and then maybe emphasize my emotion by kissing her, or holding her or something romantic-"  
"You're a sick boy."  
"But then Cologne shoves you forward and you play along and humiliate me and confuse my parents-hey, it's your fault too!" He showed some noodles into the redhead's mouth, which never seemed to close, even when she ate. "Now sit down, eat up." Ryoga said with forced cheerfulness. He realized just how hard it must be for Kasumi to always be smiling.  
Next person to awake was Lotion, she wrote a very detailed letter for Ryoga about how she was going back to China to train and become a real fighter to one day defeat Shampoo and Cologne, how she'd miss everyone terribly, but one day return to destroy him and Nabiki since they'd been the first people to weaken her with 'kindness'-even though they hadn't been especially kind to her at all-and how she'd also go into a drug rehab center because she had become addicted to the tea Kasumi kept giving her.   
Unfortunately for Ryoga he couldn't read a blinking word of it because it was all written in some strange hybrid language of Japanese, Chinese, English and . . . what the heck . . . elven?   
There were several illustrations though so he guessed most of it, something in her letter seemed to inquire if he'd like to come along to help her cut down a tree, and Ryoga politely refused. He was sorry to see her go, she was really a fun person to be around, then she started trying to get him to put vanilla extract into the noodles and he decided he wouldn't miss her so much after all.  
The next two awake were Soun and Nodoka who came out of the washroom together, Ryoga decided to pretend they weren't wearing each other's cloths, Ranma and Akane seemed to be following his lead.  
Genma on the other hand made no such attempt at normality, and Soun was mauled by an enraged giant panda, however showing the sort of strength that only a woman can, Nodoka flashed them both and stopped the fighting.  
Luckily she was facing the other way, Ryoga and Ranko didn't see her, but Akane seemed really offended.  
Ryoga wasn't too keen on seeing his rival's mother naked, partially because Ranma was-in truth-like a brother to him which made Nodoka like a mother to him and just thinking of seeing her naked made him think of his own real mother and then he felt ill.  
Luckily the sight was driven from his mind when Nabiki came home . . . wait a second . . . came home?  
"Aren't you supposed to come from upstairs?" Ryoga asked.  
"Not even married yet, and already you're telling me where I can and cannot come from?" She scowled.  
"Well no, I just didn't know you were-oh forget it." Ryoga sighed.  
"Wuss." Ranko whispered.  
Ryoga shoved some noodles in her mouth. "Cretin." He returned.  
"Aha, good morning son!" Ryoga's father said, he too came inside from outside, followed soon after by mother.  
"Uh . . . good morning . . . breakfast?"  
"Man cannot live by instant noodles alone!" Father cried, seeing the noodles.  
"Oh, but Ryoga made these from scratch!" Akane said.  
Everyone stared at her. Finally Soun said, "Forgive her, she's simple, but still, we love her."  
"What's that mean?" Akane cried.  
"Anyway, we've already been to breakfast with your former fiancée." Mother said.  
"Former?" Ryoga scowled. "You got Yoshimi to offer her money, didn't you!?"  
"Money!?" Nabiki squeaked. "Money, you say?"  
Ryoga's mother shook her head. "Ah . . . yes. We had hoped to get her to break up with you without having to call Yoshimi. Now it seems, by mentioning the money, you've made that a necessity."  
"So what did you three do?" Akane asked.  
"Hmm? Yeah, well . . ." Nabiki looked at the floor. "It's complicated . . ."  
"What is?" Ryoga's father asked. "You see we all woke up especially early, and she offered to show us around town, the way she took us I'm pretty sure she meant to leave us in a dark corner or something, well we ran into this guy, Kin'of'soup'Eh or something-"  
"Kinnosuke." Nabiki interpreted.  
Ryoga glared.  
"Well he offered to take us all out to breakfast and despite Nabee's-  
"Nabiki!"  
"Right, well despite her warnings your mother agreed."  
"He was so cute! I thought he might be a good husband for her. I hoped she'd marry him instead of you, son."  
"That's the dumbest thing I've heard yet!" Ryoga cried.  
"Dumb like a-"  
"Yeah, yeah, I know, 'dumb like a moose', mother." Ryoga sighed.  
"Actually the moose has a rather underrated intelligence." Soun noted.  
Ryoga glared.  
"Well anyway despite your former girlfriend's pleas we went out with the guy, then he ditched us after making sure we all ordered the most expensive thing on the menu."  
"She tried to get away too, but my reach is much longer than you'd think." Ryoga's mother added.  
"Yes dear, indeed it is."  
"Why is she his 'former' fiancée?" Soun asked.  
"Well you see we're not so poor as we look, we offered to pay the bill if she'd agree to break up with Ryoga." Father said. "Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have had a problem with a money-obsessed nympho-maniac as a daughter-in-law, but the wife, y'know?"  
Ryoga looked at Nabiki, "you agreed?" He gawked.  
Nabiki blinked. "Uh . . . tell me about this money."  
"You did agree, didn't you!?" Akane gasped.  
"Well I couldn't very well let Kinnosuke win!" Nabiki cried.  
"So you agreed to break up with me so you and Kinnosuke could try and make each other pay for stuff?" Ryoga blinked.  
"Yes. But you see Ryoga-"  
"I knew this would happen!" Ryoga sighed. "I knew you were just waiting for the right moment-" Nabiki slapped him, he barely felt it, still that she'd done it shut him up. "We weren't going to *stay* broken up you idiot! They never said we had to!"  
"I thought it went without saying . . ." Ryoga's mother frowned.  
"Well it didn't, and you didn't say it, and it's too late now because we broke up and now we're back together."  
"We are?" Ryoga said, unenthusiastically.  
"You have to believe me, I'd never give up what we have."  
"What do we have?" Ryoga wondered.  
"Beats me, but I wont give it up."  
Ryoga smiled weakly, he supposed she was telling the truth, only because he knew she really wouldn't give up something that belonged to her. Sell it maybe, but never give it up.  
"Ahem. If you two would kindly remember that there are others in this room who don't want to see you get all romantic . . ." Soun said.  
"And you, young lady," Ryoga's mother said, "are going to have to pay for deceiving us."  
"Bill me." Nabiki scoffed.  
"They won't ever get along, will they?" Akane sighed to Ryoga.  
"I didn't really expect them too, Nabiki is too . . . independent, my mother thinks women should be passive and act like servants." Ryoga whispered back.  
"Well talk about practicing what you preach . . ." Akane whispered.  
"Hey! She may be trying to break me and Nabiki up, but she's still my mom!" Ryoga protested.  
"Sorry." Akane sighed.  
  
Nabiki glared at her future mother-in-law, by the gods she'd marry Ryoga even if just to be able to walk up to that woman and say "Hi *mom*" and watch her squirm.  
Still, all this confrontation did was give her reason to slap Ryoga-which had been sort of fun-and cause her to become extremely horny. This meant they'd have to find some place hidden to do what Nodoka had turned into a pass time without being interrupted by people who might not approve.  
Of course then Ryoga was always such a wuss about it, she decided she'd have to just ignore her feelings.  
Until Ryoga suddenly got up and said, "Nabiki will do just about anything for money, but no matter how rich Yoshimi is, Nabiki wont give me up, I'm sure of it."  
"You were doubting her a second ago." Genma pointed out.  
"Yes . . . well now I know better." Ryoga said.  
"How rich *is* this Yoshimi?" Nabiki asked.  
"She is Yoshimi Harume, daughter of Kotaro Harume." Ryoga's mother said, "And she wants to marry Ryoga."  
Nabiki gawked. She glared at Ryoga. "So that's the billionaire's daughter!? First Akari, now this? I can compete with Akari, I can definitely compete with Azusa, but not that!"  
"Who is Azusa?" Ryoga's mother asked.  
"Crazy girl." Ryoga shuddered.  
"She is in love with you too?" Ryoga's father asked.  
"Well, she sort'a only wants him for his body, if you know what I mean." Ranko chuckled.  
"That's not true!" Ryoga cried. "Nabiki is the only one I've ever-eh . . . oh you mean P-Chan. Very funny Ranma."  
"Nabiki is the only one you've ever what?" Ryoga's father asked.  
"Banged." Ranma said simply.  
"If you weren't a girl Ranma I'd-" Ryoga growled, then bopped Ranma on the head anyway.  
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that." Ryoga's mother growled.  
"I wont!" His father cried. "Son, you've *slept* with that long-legged goddess?"  
Ryoga's mother slapped his father on the back of the head. "Don't you have any class?" She demanded.  
"Of course not! Now son, you used protection right?"  
"No . . ." Ryoga trailed off, then his eyes lit up. "I didn't, and now she's pregnant. So you see, that's why I have to marry her."  
"Oh!" Ryoga's mother cried. "This is awful! Well Nabiki, at least the money Yoshimi will give you will when you break up with Ryoga help you care for the child on your own."  
Nabiki's eye twitched. "Have you ever considered that my love for Ryoga might be more imported than money?"  
"You said 'imported'." Kasumi noted.  
"No I didn't." Nabiki scowled. "Ryoga is far more important to me than honey!"  
"You said 'honey'." Ryoga pointed out, looking annoyed.  
"I always call you 'honey'!" Nabiki hugged him.  
"Now we're getting somewhere! Alright then son, let's just see about this girl," Ryoga's mother cackled, she slapped a 100 yen coin on the table, and shoved Ryoga down next to it. "Choose, one or the other!"  
"Of course I choose Ryoga!" Nabiki said, hugging Ryoga.  
"Okay . . . then give me the coin back."  
"What coin?"  
"The one you're hiding in your mouth."  
"I swallowed it."  
"You lie!"  
Nabiki glared. She spat the coin out, and looked at it reluctantly . . . she looked at Ryoga, then the coin. 'It's just a lousy one hundred, you can probably find one on the sidewalk or something!' she thought to herself. 'But . . . but it's so shinny! And it's been in my mouth, not even Ryoga has been in my mouth, the coin is precious, we must keep the precious!' She glared at Ryoga's mother. 'Pretend she's Kuno, she just bought some pictures and you're giving change. Giving change! Now drop the coin in her hand . . . c'mon . . . c'mon . . .' Nabiki gave up the coin.  
"There! Take it!" She cried. "Parting . . . such bitter lament, where is the sweet sorrow I was told of?"  
"I wonder if there's a support group for people like you, Nabiki." Ranko sneered.   
Nabiki laughed wickedly, "Remember who emptied their wallet for me, weak minded fool!" She waved her hand in front of Ranko's face, "You're a duck!"  
"That won't work on me twice!" Ranko scoffed. Then coughed, "quack"  
"How did you do that?" Akane gasped.  
Nabiki shrugged.  
"She may have resisted the coin, but we shall see how far she'll go once the Harumes get here!"  
"We will see no such thing!" Soun said at last. "Do you have any idea how hard I thought it'd be to get this girl off my hands? She's a monster I tell you!"  
"Daddy!" Nabiki growled, her eyes narrowed.  
"The grown-ups are talking dear. Anyway, she's mean, she's cruel, when she was a little girl she walked in on me and her mother making love, and did she freak out, or need a "birds and the bees" talk like her older sister did when she found me conceiving Akane? No! Nabiki charged me for ruining her virgin eyes!"  
"Heh . . . how old was I then?" Nabiki asked.  
"I'd have thought, too young to know about charging people for such things, but as I wanted to get back to your mother I just paid." Soun growled. "Anyway, it gets worse, I thought she'd end up marrying this insane boy with a wooden sword just for his money and I'd be related to that disgusting family, when I found out Ryoga had proposed to her, and she'd accepted, it was as if god had finally forgiven me for all those sins I watched Saotome commit!"  
"Hey!" Genma cried. "You sinned pretty bad yourself!"  
"Shut up!" Soun glared at Ryoga's parents. "Don't you see? With your son and Saotome's boy-eh . . . girl . . . eh . . . boy disguised as a girl, the Tendo Training Hall would CRUSH the Koruda School of Combat!"  
"That's all very interesting but-" Ryoga's mother began, his father cut her off.  
"The Koruda School of Combat? Those Koruda rats! Consider Ryoga your son-in-law, we'll crush them! Tendo, Saotome, and Hibiki, we'll make those Koruda swine pay!"  
Nabiki blinked. "Y'know, now I *really* want to know who these Koruda people are . . ."  
"No kidding." Akane scratched her head. "I'm going to be late for school . . ."  
"Yes . . . Nabiki, you'd better go too . . ." Kasumi said.  
"No way! I may come back and find Ryoga is gone to marry some billionaire's daughter!"  
"I'd rather die than marry her!" Ryoga said.  
"Then you can come to school with me." Nabiki said.  
"I'd rather die then go to school with you!" Ryoga said.  
"You are far too dramatic." Nabiki sighed.  
"Just go, I'll make sure he doesn't marry anyone." Kasumi said.  
"Fine . . . but keep Nodoka away from him!"  
"Why, I'd never . . . oh fine!" Nodoka pouted. "Well I've just lost all reason to hang around here . . ." she turned to Ryoga's father, "are you happy in your marriage?"  
"Fairly."  
"If that ever changes, here's my card." Nodoka said, she then got up and left.  
"She has a card now?" Soun blinked.  
"Tendo, tell me this is all a dream . . ."  
"I want to, Saotome, I really want to."  
"Might I use your phone?" Ryoga's mother asked.  
Nabiki knew she was up to something, but father nodded and said 'yes' and Kasumi shoved her out the door.  
  
Meanwhile, in a large, luscious mansion a phone rang. It was immediately lunged upon by a horde of pink ninjas who fought over it viciously until a broad shouldered man with a long beard and bushy eyebrows came into the room. He tapped his gold cane on the ground, and the ninjas disbursed, the one still holding the phone rushed forward and presented it to his master.  
The man took the phone, and spoke into it. There was a pause, then he threw it at the ninja's face. "They hung up you idiot!"  
The ninja scrambled and put the phone back on the receiver, then it rung again, he was about to bring it to his master when the other ninjas mobbed him.  
The master scowled and walked through the crowd to the phone and answered. "Hello? Ah, how good to hear your voice again madam. What? Well yes, Yoshimi is still rather persistent about marrying your son, she's rejected an offers from various wealthy young lads." The man lied. "Me? Come there? Well . . . I don't see why not . . . no, don't bother telling me where you are, I'll have my people trace the call. What? Well I'm aware that that would be a waste of resources, but I'm rich, and eccentric, I can do whatever I want." He hung up and turned to his ninjas. "Alright, where did that call come from?"  
"From the Tendo Training Hall in Nerima." A phone operator appeared out of nowhere to answer his question.  
"What state is that in?"  
"It's in Japan sir."  
"Eh . . . that place! I haven't been there in years!"  
"You *live* in Japan, sir." The operator sighed.  
"Well . . . who wants to come with me to Nerima?" The man, whom, if you haven't guess yet, was called Kotaro Harume asked.  
The ninjas cringed.  
"Well? Speak up. Who wants to come along?"  
"W-we dare not go to Nerima! We've received word from our brothers in black, their entire cult was nearly wiped out by a man in sandals with a leather jacket on a motor cycle wielding a chainsaw!"  
"Who among you does not fear this man with the chainsaw?" Kotaro asked.  
One ninja stepped forward. "I fear no man!" He said.  
"Then you shall accompany me. Let us go!"  
"Daddy!" A shrill voice cried.  
"Let us go *quickly*." Kotaro decided.  
"Oh Daddy! Daddy! Did I hear you say you were going somewhere?" The rich man and his ninja body guard rushed out of the mansion and towards their helicopter.  
"Take me to Nerima!" Kotaro cried to the chopper pilot.  
"Where is that sir?"  
"We'll figure that out when we're in the air! Now Drive!"  
"But sir, we–"  
"Drive the chopper, damn it drive!"  
"Technically you don't 'drive' them-"  
"FLY!" Kotaro screamed as his daughter came closer.  
"Lifting off sir." The chopper pilot sighed.  
"Just you wait Nerima! I'm coming! I'm coming, and soon enough I'll be rid of my daughter for good!" Kotaro chuckled. Down below the young girl was jumping up and down waving her arms in the air and screaming things at the helicopter, as if her father would hear them.  
These Hibikis were the only people who wanted his daughter in their family, the engagement had been postponed eleven years because their son mysteriously disappeared whenever it was time to arrange a second formal meeting, or whenever it came time to negotiate terms of the marriage, but now he was found, trapped and apparently would be that way for a while.   
Kotaro intended to make good use of this, and get rid of that annoying daughter of his for good . . . of course he couldn't kill her, there was always the chance he'd need an extra kidney, but he could do the next best thing . . . wed her off and then make sure he was too busy to ever take a visit from her, that the Hibikis never seemed to know where they were, or where they were headed made it even easier, if Yoshimi followed the boy everywhere-as she had when they were younger-he'd never have to worry about her darkening his doorstep again!  
  
At that very moment, back at the Tendo Training Hall, Ryoga Hibiki felt a sudden chill, he trembled and his teeth began to chatter so Kasumi brought him a blanket, strangely this didn't help . . .  
  
To Be Continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
"Oh Ryoga, don't say that! You and I are married souls, our hearts are the same, our love will be legendary!"Akari cried.  
"That is quite enough of that." Ryoga's mother sighed. Nabiki glared at her, she had always heard that most women tended to dislike their mother-in-laws, thusly she believed her *uncontrollable, consuming, ever rising level of HATRED* for the women was a good omen.  
"Young lady, you speak words like song lyrics, and you melt my heart." Ryoga's mother said calmly, "If my son were not previously engaged I would let him wed you in an instant-were that his desire-however, as you can likely see, this young woman," she jabbed a finger at Nabiki, "is stealing his heart like a succubus on cocaine. Destroy her, and my son's love may indeed be yours." 


	28. Will it Ever End?

Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 28   
Will it Ever End?  
  
"Stupid Koruda school!" Genma scowled.  
"Too good to accept our challenge!?" Soun cried.  
"Too good fer us eh?" Ranma sneered.  
"I really don't think this is the place." Ryoga tried, no one listened.  
"Listen you guys, I don't know who you think you are, but-" a man tried, the 1/2 would have none of his logical talk!  
"I am Soun Tendo of the Tendo Training Hall, I've come to declare battle upon your house, and wage violent war on you and your people!"  
"Look sir, this is a school, a *school* and I'm a lowly janitor, you and your friends are scaring the students, please just leave."  
"I know it's a school! It's the Koruda school of combat, is it not!?" Soun demanded.  
Ryoga sighed. Soun was being difficult, and Ranma was just egging them on. "C'mon pop, you gonna take that from him? Take a swing, you can take him!"  
"Yes, I can!" Genma growled.   
"I have a great idea!" Ryoga said. "Let's hit the bar!"  
"The what?" Soun, Genma, and father cried. "To the bar!" They said in one voice.  
Ranma laughed like an idiot, Ryoga smacked him and tried to apologize to the janitor who was now wielding a mop threateningly. Not wanting to get wet, Ryoga followed the group as they left the playground of confused, scared kindergartners.  
  
"Nabiki, I love you," Ryoga said, holding her close. "But . . . I have a confession to make."  
"I knew you were gay!" Nabiki cried.  
"What?"  
"Nothing. You were saying?"  
"Eh . . . right. Well though you were my first lover you were not my only one."  
"Explain to me how that works." She said coldly.  
He shoved her away and grabbed at his chest as if it were about to explode. "Nabiki . . . I've been sleeping with your sister!"  
"W-which one?" Nabiki blinked.  
"Both of them." Ryoga shrugged.  
Nabiki gasped. "Oh yeah? W-well I'm sleeping with Ranma!"  
Ryoga shrugged. "Yeah? Me too."  
Nabiki blinked.  
"And, I've been sleeping with Nodoka too." Ryoga added.  
"Nodoka? That tart!"  
"I'm also sleeping with Shampoo."  
"B-But she doesn't love you!" Nabiki screamed. Ryoga just shrugged, so she screamed some more.  
  
And Nabiki screamed some more until her teacher prodded her with a yardstick. "Ahh!" She sat up and looked around. Just a dream. Thank heavens.  
She was at school-what was left of it-since the building was destroyed, outdoor classes had been arranged, she'd fallen asleep under a comfortable tree, it was missing a branch from one of dozens of fights between Ryoga and Ranma. All that seemed to have happened years ago.  
She sighed, her teacher lectured her for a while, and she ignored it. Finally the bell rang and she grabbed her things and left. She rushed home to be sure that no billionaire's daughter had stolen her fiancee.  
When she got home she found Kasumi cleaning house like she did every day, she looked around though and found no sign of Ryoga.  
Too her great displeasure she did find Ryoga's mother sitting in her bedroom reading one of her comic books. "Where is everyone?" She asked the older woman.  
"Hmm? Your father, Saotome, and my husband got very drunk. They then decided to take the boys and throw eggs at the Koruda school of combat, Kasumi threw a fit, she seems to be lacking sleep, I offered to help with the chores but she insisted she do them alone. She would make such a fine wife for Ryoga."  
'That dream had better not have been an omen!' Nabiki thought. She glared at her future mother-in-law. "What'cha reading?"  
"Just some of your pornography."  
"What? I don't have anything like that!" Nabiki scoffed.  
"I was gauging your reaction," Ryoga's mother said, holding up a copy of a comic whose star was-she was quite sure- a rip off of a foreign character, but never cared enough to research. "For a young lady so interested in money, you certainly don't take very good care of these. They might be worth something some day."  
"I doubt it." Nabiki scoffed.  
Ryoga's mother shrugged. "You know, I want what's best for my son-"  
"Then leave him to me, I'll take better care of him than you have." Nabiki blurted.  
Ryoga's mother scowled. "Oh sure you will. But not quite such good care as a billionaire's daughter would."  
"Listen, I don't know what I did to make you dislike me-"  
"You dress like a whore."  
"Those were . . . eh . . . just pajamas!"  
"You're dressed like a whore right now."  
"It's a school uniform!" Nabiki cried. "Anyway, I just want you to know that no matter how hard you try to separate me and Ryoga, it wont work! I love him, really love him, you can't change that."  
"I cant . . . but perhaps five hundred thousand yen might."  
Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  
"Five hundred thousand yen and you break up with Ryoga permanently, you will not marry him, you will not sleep with him again, you will ignore him as if he were a fly on the wall."  
Well gee, that sounded an awful lot like how she'd treated him before, when he was just another of Akane's silly suitors. Before she learned his secret, before she realized her feelings for him.   
Before life became complicated.  
It sounded like a good deal, after all, thanks to the distraction Ryoga provided she was behind on school work, and she still had college to look forward to, if ever she managed to bring her grades back up.  
Not sleeping with him wouldn't change much, since she'd only done it once, and he was so reluctant to do it again. But still . . . she couldn't. She couldn't give him up, she loved him, she wanted him, she needed him like her lungs needed air, she . . . five hundred thousand yen?  
She could return to her old life, and have five hundred thousand yen!  
She glared at Ryoga's mother. "You vile temptress!" She hissed. "I . . . I cant take any money from you!"  
"What about from Kotaro Harume?" She scoffed. Ryoga's mother chuckled. "He's on his way you know."  
"What's that to me?" Nabiki scoffed. "So the rich man is coming, big deal. I love Ryoga, I wont be bought like the whore you only *think* I am."  
"Perhaps. What about Ryoga?"  
"What!?" Nabiki snapped.  
"You'll see." Ryoga's mother smiled. She got up and strolled out of Nabiki's room, then shut herself in a closet. Nabiki snickered and decided to see if there was anything good on TV.  
  
The door swung open a few moments later and in came Ryoga and Ranma, holding up Soun, Genma, and Ryoga's father, the three of whom looked plastered, and beaten badly. Ranma grunted as he dragged Genma, his old man had been packing in the snacks obviously!  
"What happened?" Kasumi gasped. "Did the people of the Koruda School of Combat do this?"  
"No! We never *found* the Koruda School," Ranma scowled, "We started throwing eggs at the police station!"  
"You WHAT!" Nabiki shouted. She grabbed Ryoga, and shook him violently, he folded under her assault. "The police station? The police station! Are you out of your mind? Answer me!" Ryoga just stared at her blankly. "No! You're drunk too, aren't you?"  
"N-no, just scared!" Ryoga said.  
"How did you escape the police?" Ryoga's mother asked.  
"Disguises." Ranma chuckled. "A little cold water for those of us with skills, and a quick run through a dress shop for those of us without."  
"Oh my goodness." Kasumi sighed. "Why do they look so beat up?"  
"Your dad and my pop got into a fight over mom again, and Ryoga's dad tried to break it up . . . he failed by the way."  
"At least he didn't sit back and laugh! What sort of son are you!" Genma growled. Then squeaked. "I'm sorry boy, you know I really have a deep respect for the young man you've become. You might even say that-as a father to his son-I love-"  
"Don't finish that sentence pop!" Ranma cried.  
"Yyyoooouuuuu!" Genma slurred as he tried to remember how to stop speaking as to fulfill Ranma's request.  
Ranma twisted and moaned.  
"What are these skills you speak of? A disguising skill? How does it work?"  
"A little cold water, and ya might say yer boy turns into a whole new man . . . or rather . . ."  
"Oh shut up Ranma!" Nabiki scowled.  
At about that time the door opened, and in came Akane, followed by a muscular, broad-shouldered man with a gold cane, a long beard, and shaggy eyebrows. Right behind him, a pink ninja, tall and slender, with a red scarf tied around his neck and covering his face, with bright pink lenses on the goggles that covered his eyes.  
Goggles? On a ninja?  
Whatever.  
Ranma raised his eyebrows in confused salute to these two, and Akane introduced them.  
"This is Mr. Harume, he's come to see the sites of Nerima, and wanted to start with the Tendo  
Training Hall, isn't that neat? And this is his associate, he says we don't need to know his name, only his reputation."  
"What's his reputation?" Ranma asked.  
Akane made a grunting sound like "oreo" and shrugged.  
Harume smiled and slapped his hands together. "So, which one of you is Ryoga?" He asked in a loud, booming voice.  
"He is." Ryoga's mother pointed to her son who was still in the clutches of his murderous fiancée.   
Ranma chuckled.  
"Well come now madam, let the boy answer for himself. I need to know he's not mute."  
"Not mute, but blind. He's very blind. Right Ryoga?" Nabiki said.  
"Yep." Ryoga nodded.  
"All the better to marry my daughter." Harume chuckled.  
"Then . . . he's deaf." Nabiki scowled. "He can't hear a word."  
"Nope. I have to read lips." Ryoga said.  
"You idiot, how can you read lips if you're blind!" Nabiki demanded, shaking him.  
"I forgot I was blind!" Ryoga protested.  
"So soon?"  
"Well you're shaking me too violently, you're lucky I don't forget my own name!"  
Ranma laughed loudly until he could laugh no more, he ran out of breath and tried to laugh some more, in a moment, the pig-tailed boy was unconscious.  
  
Ryoga blinked. "Wow . . . we killed Ranma!"  
"I always thought it'd be harder." Nabiki admitted. "I kinda feel bad now . . ."  
"It's okay, he has a pulse." Akane said. She sat down on top of him, and smiled. "Very comfortable."  
"Well . . . anyway Ryoga my boy," Harume said, "Yoshimi has certainly missed you, why she's gone on safari in Africa twice in hopes of finding you."  
"Why would she look there?" Ryoga blinked.  
"Because I told her you might be there."  
"Why did you tell her that?"  
"Because I'd seen that neat-o movie, Congo, and I was hoping she'd come back with diamonds, you, or not at all."  
"You took an American movie seriously?" Kasumi blinked.  
"Well it *was* based on a book." Harume said, rolling his eyes at the ignorant girl. That slightly annoyed Nabiki.  
"Quite true." Kasumi allowed. "Won't you have a seat?"  
"No, no I don't think I will, you commoners tend to have seats made of wood, or plastic, some times even that thing cans are made out of-" Harume snapped his fingers over and over aging next to his ear, "aluminum I think it's called. No, unless you have the finest English oak, or the very best plastic with polyester seats, or seats made of gold, I am not interested."  
"I'm sorry, our home must seem to have been struck by the worst of poverty to some one as used to comfortable living as you." Kasumi said, her eye twitching.  
"Oh-hoh-hoh!" His laugh made everyone look around to see if Kodachi had come to pay a visit.  
"No, not at all. I lived in a place like this once, you see a friend of mine bet me one hundred million pounds that I couldn't live like normal poor people for five minutes. It was hard, I had to spend a month bathing in money before it sunk in that I was still rich, but I won the bet, and the one hundred million pounds."  
"British money?" Nabiki blinked.  
"No, you silly silly creature, pounds of pork! I love pork! If I see a pig, I instinctively kill and cook it."  
Ryoga jumped into Nabiki's arms, "Save me!" he cried, she glared at him for a moment, and benevolently decided not to throw him on the ground in exchange for all her troubles, sexual frustration and just because he was being ridiculous.  
"What's his problem?" Ryoga's mother asked. "He likes pork too."  
"Not anymore I don't!" Ryoga cried.  
"But Ryoga, you eat pork all the time!" Kasumi said.  
"Y-yes but I don't instinctively kill and cook pigs! What's going to happen if Akari shows up again with Katsunishiki?"  
Nabiki thought about that, and all the ideas that popped into her head were good, some of them were even funny. What was Ryoga worried about? "Harume can handle the lawsuit, and Akari would finally have enough money to feed her piggies."  
"What about P-Chan!?"  
"Oh don't worry honey, P-Chan is too small to make a decent meal." Nabiki chuckled.  
Harume scratched his head. "I'm terribly sorry for my bad manners, but who are you, peasant girl who holds my future son-in-law?"  
Nabiki growled and dropped Ryoga. "I am Nabiki Tendo, soon to be Nabiki Hibiki!"  
"So they're adopting you? Splendid! That means Yoshimi will have a sister-in-law! You know she's always wanted a sister, and you seem to be around her age, maybe just a little older, you're perfect, you're hired!" Harume clapped his hands.  
Nabiki blinked and tried to figure out what had just happened. "They aren't adopting me, I'm marrying Ryoga!"  
"Oh . . . Ryoga, you cant have two wives, you're not Chinese!" Harume said.  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Cologne asked, coming from out of nowhere.  
"Oh you know, how ancient Chinese kings would have their three to four wives from the day of their manhood, and gradually take on more and more."  
"First of all it was only one or two wives-" Cologne growled, then coughed to herself (that were historically recorded) "and perhaps they had hundreds of concubines, but concubines were generally released from service after reaching a certain age, or married if they got pregnant."  
"Right . . . well anyway Ryoga, you can't have two wives, and concubines are out of the question." Ryoga's father said.  
"Really? It sounds perfect to me." Ryoga's mother said. "He could sleep with Yoshimi, and this girl together and marry whichever one conceives first."  
"I'd take them up on that offer, either way you get two girls." Ryoga's father whispered.  
"What if they both get pregnant?" Ryoga demanded.  
Everyone had to think about that one, he made a very good point. Of course Nabiki wasn't thinking about what everyone else was thinking about. "I'm pregnant!" She blurted.  
"Oh Nabiki, not this again-eh I mean, yes, yes she is." Kasumi said. "Perhaps you've noticed her waking up early and throwing up, her constant mood swings, the way she's constantly eating sweets and yet never gaining weight-"  
"Actually I'd blame that on a tape worm," Ryoga's mother said.  
"A what!" Nabiki screamed.  
"One in four people has a tape worm inside them." Ryoga's mother said simply. She counted the people in the room. "There are likely two and one half tape worms in this room alone."  
"I'd guess they're in Ranma and Ryoga, the way those two eat, Nabiki probably has the half-a-worm!" Akane said.  
Kasumi cleared her throat, it was a soft sound that didn't really get anyone's attention, "Anyway, my sister is indeed pregnant." Kasumi reminded everyone that the conversation was not supposed to be about worms.  
"They're inside me! Kill them all!" Harume cried.  
The ninja threw some metal stars around the room, luckily Cologne caught them all. Harume smacked the ninja, "I meant the worms, not the people! Kill the worms!"  
"How master?"  
"I don't know!" Harume cried.  
Nabiki scoffed, and then Ryoga rushed forward and punched Harume in the stomach.  
"That's for trying to get me to marry your crazy daughter-er I mean I've just killed the worm!"  
"Wonderful! Thank you, thank you! As such I'll make sure you and Yoshimi have a healthy allowance once you're married."  
"AHH!" Ryoga groaned. "Look, sir, I really, *really* don't want to marry Yoshimi."  
"I know what you mean. I don't want to marry her either. But then, she is my daughter so I have a excuse. What is your excuse boy!?"  
"I don't like her!"  
"Don't like her? Why not? She's . . . uh . . . okay I know what you mean."  
"What's wrong with this girl?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Oh she's terrible!" Harume groaned. "The details would scare you."  
"Try me." Nabiki growled.  
"No, no, it's too horrible." Ryoga said.  
"But she is going to be your new wife." Ryoga's mother informed him. Nabiki scowled.  
"How does Ranma deal with this stuff?"  
Just then the newly rebuilt wall caved in, and there was Akari astride Katsunishiki, with her was all of RHFC, as well as Azusa.  
Soun was suddenly sober, he threw his hands over his eyes, screamed as if he'd been stabbed in the heart, and began to cry.  
"We're here for Ryo-kun---er I mean Ryoga-honey!" Akari shouted.  
Harume's eyes practically glazed over, her looked at Katsunishiki and drooled. "Oooh!" He moaned. He then shouted a barely coherent "Isha'piggy!" Then he cackled insanely, "PIGGIE! K-kee-kee-kee-keeeee, I'm gonna eat yooouuu!" He pulled an elephant gun out from thin air and chased after a surprised Katsunishiki, who was, unsurprisingly, running for his life.  
Akari was thrown to the ground as Katsunishiki ran off, but she jumped up and glared into the room, ignoring what had just happened. "I am NOT through! I will NEVER give up my love!"  
"I wish you would!" Ryoga moaned.  
"Oh Ryoga, don't say that! You and I are married souls, our hearts are the same, our love will be legendary!"Akari cried.  
"That is quite enough of that." Ryoga's mother sighed. Nabiki glared at her, she had always heard that most women tended to dislike their mother-in-laws, thusly she believed her *uncontrollable, consuming, ever rising level of HATRED* for the women was a good omen.  
"Young lady, you speak words like song lyrics, and you melt my heart." Ryoga's mother said calmly, "If my son were not previously engaged I would let him wed you in an instant-were that his desire-however, as you can likely see, this young woman," she jabbed a finger at Nabiki, "is stealing his heart like a succubus on cocaine. Destroy her, and my son's love may indeed be yours."  
"Oh thank you honored mother-in-law, I will destroy her right away!" Akari bowed several times, Ryoga's mother twitched when she was called mother-in-law. Akari took up a fighting stance.  
"Alright Nabiki Tendo, prepare yourself, for I shall feed you HORRIBLE DOOM!"  
"Does that come with a side order of onion rings?" Nabiki yawned, waving Akari away.  
"Akari, wait!" Ryoga said, stepping in between the two girls. Akari relaxed her stance a bit, but not that much. "Akari, listen to me, listen carefully. I . . . I am deeply in love with the assassin, Hand Lotion, you cant have me, I've sworn my heart to her, that's who my mother was talking about, she's nearsighted, she thought Nabiki was Lotion."  
"But you were engaged to Nabiki!" Akari cried.  
"All canceled once I laid eyes on Lotion." Ryoga said in a dreamy voice. He came back, as if pulling himself from a daze, "Akari, it's a curse, I never wanted to love Lotion, set me free Akari, defeat her and set me free, that our love can be sun through the heavens!"  
"Oh I will! I will Ryoga, my love, I will!" Akari squealed, then she ran off.  
"Why did you do that?" Nabiki asked. "It isn't like Akari has any sort of fighting skills."  
"We don't know that." Ryoga said calmly. "Her stance was very professional."  
"You mean flawless." Soun said. "She took up the feared Preying Pork Chop Stance, there are only two known masters of that fighting style in all known history, and three of them are dead."  
"What?" Nabiki scratched her head. "Two masters and three of them are dead?"  
"Eh? Oh sorry, three masters, and two of them are dead." Soun corrected. "Killed by their fellow, a dark robed young woman about Akari's age, height and build."  
"You never mentioned this before?" Kasumi growled.  
"Well there are a lot of girls that look like Akari." Soun said. He pointed to Akane and mouthed 'like your sister'  
"You are mistaken . . . the mistress known as 'Ah Kah Rhi' of the Preying Pork Chop School of fighting retired five hundred years ago and began a Sumo Wrestling Pig Farm where she taught her pigs Authentic Pork Chop Fighting Skills, and ruled the sumo pig circuit for years." Ryoga's mother said calmly. "We once tried to arrange a marriage for Ryoga with the youngest daughter of this clan, but she was evidently nothing but a pig farmer, not like this masterful warrior princess who even now seeks to murder and maim the wrong person."  
The wind blew by, and everyone stared at Ryoga's mother for a long while. Finally Ryoga said, "Akari Unryu is the pig farmer you speak of, she rules the sumo wrestling pig circuit, the only person to ever defeat her giant pig, Katsunishiki was me-er Akane's pet piglet, P-Chan."  
"Oh? But Ryoga, we all know you're-"  
"The reason P-Chan won." Kasumi interrupted.   
Akane was slow, but she caught on. "Yes, indeed were it not for Ryoga, P-Chan would have lost."  
"I watch TV, I know my son turns into a little black piglet." Ryoga's mother sighed. Kasumi huffed. "Mind you, your attempts to protect his reputation shine well upon yourself. Do you want to marry my son?"  
Kasumi's eyes narrowed. "Younger men bore me."  
"A shame." Ryoga's mother sounded truly disappointed, Nabiki clenched her fists and wished she'd taken up a little martial arts.  
Just then a thought occurred. "Why did you send her after Lotion?" Nabiki asked.  
"So long as one of them doesn't ever come back, I'm happy." Ryoga said. "But I didn't know Akari was such a deadly fighter . . . we have to help Han."  
"Don't bother." Cologne sighed.  
"What?" Kasumi frowned. "Now elder one, I know you don't like Lotion very much, but-"  
"If all else fails, that girl knows how to run, her running skills are almost as incredible as future son-in-law's."  
"Oh. Nothing to worry about then."Ranma said. "If she's *half* as good as me at running away then . . . hey!"  
  
Meanwhile . . .  
Lotion stared off into the distance, the ocean was all she saw. The salty breeze assaulted her fair beautiful face, she stared at the boat as it came closer, and closer.  
Then suddenly she heard some one panting behind her, she turned and saw the pig farmer. "I should have known!" Pig Farmer cried.  
"Hmm?" Lotion still couldn't remember why she'd decided not to speak, but she'd continue not speaking all the same.  
"You seductive, foreign wench! Seducing my love, causing him to fall for you! Well I won't have it! I'll destroy you!"  
Lotion scratched her head. She remembered a similar situation, when a boy from her village had mistaken her for his sister and tried to take his marbles back from her. Of course she didn't have his marbles, and unfortunately, not having any marbles she-at the age of five-ended up getting shoved into a cupboard and locked in for a month, surviving off canned goods and bottled water.  
It wasn't that no one could find her, the boy confessed what he'd done a day later, it was just no one cared, they'd actually only opened the cupboard because they needed some canned beets.  
They'd spoken about 'best thing the boy's done in his life' and had a small coffin and everyone was celebrating, until she came out alive and fairly well.  
The memory of how much everyone hated her made Lotion wish she were back home. She wasn't sure why.   
"Are you listening to me?"  
"Hmm?" 'What? Oh, of course.' Lotion sighed and wearily drew some daggers. 'I shall give you your end, you seem to want it so.'  
Pig Farmer took up an impressive fighting stance, the two young women faced off, and then at the same moment both lunged forward.  
  
"Husband Share?"  
Ryoga shook his head. He and his parents were having a private conversation in the dojo. Private meaning Ranma, Akane, Nabiki, Soun, Genma, maybe even Kasumi were above them in the rafters listening in.  
His father tried again, "how about you marry Yoshimi, and just have this Nabiki girl as a mistress?"  
Again, Ryoga shook his head.  
"Son, you cannot escape this, you have always been engaged to Yoshimi. You had no right to propose to this other girl anyway." His mother informed him.  
"All that I remember of Yoshimi is a spoiled little girl who used to pull my hair, as a child, who'd follow me around taking notes and then telling me all the things I'd done over the day that annoyed her and telling me if I didn't change she'd pull my hair again!"  
"So that's why we caught you trying to shave your head after you met her." Father nodded.  
Mother glared.  
"For your entire lives you've spent just one day together, the day of your formal meeting."  
"Five is too young for formal meetings!"  
"Not for a traditionalist family like us!" Mother said.  
"No, the Kuno family is traditional, you make your own traditions."  
"Heh. She sure does." Ryoga's father smiled and stared off into the distance. "Oh yes . . . such efficient use of your-"  
"Darling!" Mother slapped the back of his head, and father snapped out of his daze.  
"What? It's not like he's a virgin anymore!"  
"Be that as it may, there is no need to be informing him of what we do behind closed doors."  
"Really!" Ryoga agreed. "I don't want or need to know!"  
"Oh? But we tape recorded everything incase you ever asked us about-" Father was cut off when mother elbowed him in the chest.  
"Ahem. Anyway, Ryoga, Yoshimi is a good match for you. If you'd only meet with her-"  
"I don't need to meet her, I won't meet her, because it won't matter! She can pull my hair and tell me that my bad posture annoys her, but I'm still marrying Nabiki Tendo."  
"Yes, well so you say." Mother sighed.  
"So I say, so I mean, so let it be written, so let it be done!" Ryoga cried. He realized the problem here was that both parties were hearing what the other was saying, but neither cared. "Listen to me, please, I'm begging you not only as your son, but as a human being, let me marry the girl I love."  
"I will," Mother said calmly, "when you realize that her name is Yoshimi Harume."  
Ryoga groaned. He looked at his father and mother, then sighed. "When you married father, was there some one you loved more, and you're trying to crush my dreams because you have none of your own?"  
Ryoga's father punched him in the shoulder. Mother sighed. "Not even close. Ryoga, you are friendless, helpless, hopeless, possibly even brainless."  
"Hey!"  
"But married to Yoshimi, none of that would matter. People respect you if you have cash."  
"I guess so, but Nabiki makes money pretty easily."  
"Oh believe me son, whoring yourself out on the street isn't exactly easy."  
"She doesn't do that." Ryoga's eyes narrowed.  
"Oh? Well too bad." Mother sighed. "I knew she was a drug dealer, but I didn't want to admit it to myself."  
"She is not!" Ryoga scowled. "She's just . . . I dunno, I guess if you said black mail was an art  
form, she's good enough to draw the uh . . . the ceiling of that one temple place with her eyes closed! Financially she really has nothing to worry about, maybe she isn't a billionaire like Yoshimi, but still I doubt she'll ever be truly poor in her life time."  
"Oh yeah, I noticed." Ryoga's father said. "On our way back from breakfast we ran into this Orange Lightning guy, and he told her that he wanted pictures, she gave him a set of five. But then she made him feel guilty about cheating on 'the pigtailed girl' so he bought ten more, then she told him that the pigtailed girl obviously means more to him than her sister does, so he bought another ten. This went on for a while, she just wouldn't sell him packages of five to even the number, and he was too stupid to figure out what she was doing until he'd ended up giving her his shirt and a bunch of IOUs."  
"That's what I'm talking about, she's ruthless!" Ryoga groaned. "She had me in a talent show, I had to learn to dance as a pig, incidentally I already knew, but I didn't want to dance disco in front of a whole bunch of people! If I didn't do her bidding, she'd have told her sister I was really her pet piglet P-Chan!"  
"No kidding! Your mother used to love disco, I remember this huge disco dance off we went to-wait, why were you some one's pet piglet?" Father blinked.  
"It's a long story?" Ryoga offered.  
Mother however had a vein on her forehead, and she looked like she might explode like a volcano. "Can we please focus?" She demanded.  
"Oh . . . right . . . well dad said I could marry her."  
"Yes dear, without Ryoga, they might never defeat the Koruda School of Combat!"  
"Oh for crying out loud honey, we've never even HEARD of the Koruda School of Combat, you're just trying to fit in!"  
"Yes dear, whatever you say . . . but if I've never had a grievance about the Koruda School, where do you suppose I got THIS!" He pulled his shirt up and showed them a large ugly scar across his chest. Ryoga flinched, mother scowled and ripped the fake scar off. Father chuckled and scratched the back of his head. "Eh . . . heh-heh. Got it at the costume shop . . ."  
"Did you think you could fool a woman who has seen your bare chest more times than she likes to recall?" Mother demanded.  
"It'd be kind of stupid of me to say 'yes' now."  
Ryoga shook his head, and wondered if they were so distracted that he could try to escape! They weren't, the argument ended as soon as he decided to make a run for it.  
"Ryoga! What are you doing?"  
"Uh . . . stretching." Ryoga said, he sat back down.  
"Alright, listen, conceivably you may have authentic feelings of affection for this Tendo girl, as such I offer you this deal. Meet with Yoshimi once, just once and if you still don't like her, we won't force you to marry her."  
"Agreed." Ryoga said. "Now can I go?"  
"Well I suppose . . ." suddenly the door to the dojo fell off it's hinges, and there stood Hand Lotion, holding an unconscious Akari by the collar of her shirt. She walked over to them, threw Akari at Ryoga's mother, then fell to her knees in front of Ryoga.  
"I am terribly sorry, but I do not, could not return your feelings, and though I have beaten your little girlfriend here I cannot accept the prize of your love, and-"  
"I don't really love you." Ryoga said.  
Lotion blinked a couple times. "Oh? Oh! So I'm not good enough for you? Is that it!?"  
"No, it's just that I don't want to have a girlfriend like Akari, and I know you are the most powerful fighter in the world, so I told her that I loved you and she went off to fight you, and doubtlessly lost horribly."  
"Hah! Show's what you know, she lost on accident-er I mean yes, I wiped the floors with her!"  
"How exactly did the battle go?" Mother asked.  
Hand Lotion giggled. "It was beautiful!"  
  
FLASHBACK  
Lotion leapt into the air, and came down on top of Akair, her knives aimed downwards, Akari spun around and kicked them out of the amazon's hands.  
Lotion flipped back, and glared at the little farmer. "Why for do you attack me?" She asked, giving up on her silence vow.  
"You stole the heart of my Ryoga!"  
"Male servant? Male servant loves me!? That's wonderful! No one has ever *loved* me! Or even *cared* about me!"  
"Well you can't have him!" Akari cried. "If I defeat you, he's mine, if you win, you may have him."  
"Oh . . . but I don't want-AIIE!" Lotion jumped back to avoid a powerful kick from the little farmer.  
She stumbled, and tripped and fell over, Akari loomed over her.  
"Now Ryoga is MINE!" She screamed, about to karate chop the amazon. Then the giant pig Katsunishiki came barreling through, ran her over, and kept going. Akari got up.  
"I'm okay . . ." she grumbled. Then a broad shouldered man with a beard and a gold cane holding an elephant gun ran after the pig, and stepped on Akari, shouting about eating pigs.   
Akari shook her head to clear it. "I'm still okay!"  
Lotion lifted a really heavy rock and dropped it on the farmer girl's head.  
END FLASHBACK  
  
"Well . . . uh . . . she came at me, with a masterful battle stance, but then I told her that I was the FEARED Assassin Han Lo-Chun and she tried to run and I stomped her! Ahahahaha!"  
"You said she lost by mistake." Ryoga observed.  
"Yes . . . running was her mistake, had she faced me mayhaps I'd have shown her mercy." The Amazon glared at him, Ryoga decided to just let her have her way.  
"It looks like she was trampled . . . by a giant pig."  
"Oh yes . . . well that is my secret attack!"  
"Really? Show me." Mother said skeptically. Just then Katsunishiki ran through the dojo, smashing the wall down, trampled Akari, realized who she was and went back for her, then ran for dear life. Lotion stood pointing at the giant pig cackling.  
"Did you see that? Doubt me not, for I speak truly!"  
Mother seemed to be shocked beyond reason, she blinked a couple times, but said nothing, Ryoga chose this time to take his leave. He really wished Hand Lotion would take hers . . . forever.  
  
But she didn't, she even stuck around a few days, spending a little too much time with Kasumi, always calling the older (yet not THAT much older) girl "mother"   
Nabiki-who'd heard everything Ryoga told his parents-had punished Ryoga first for pretending he couldn't dance as a pig. To accomplish this, she turned him into a pig, and would not allow him to transform back until he danced for the entire family. Surprisingly she was rather sure that this had actually raised Ryoga's mother's opinion of her. Second she punished him for agreeing to meet with another girl. It wasn't as if she agreed to meet other boys, yes she'd gone out on a date or two with Kinnosuke, but that'd been purely for the sake of their rivalry, and of course the whole thing with Mikado was forced. To punish him for that, she'd gone on a date with Kinnosuke, taking along "Charlotte" her pet piglet, Kinnosuke thought the pig would make it difficult for Nabiki to sneak out on the check. However he failed to realize that "Charlotte" could be thrown, and so when it came down to it, Nabiki simply threw the pig at the back of his head, collected said pig and ran like a mob of angry waiters was following her. And in fact, that was exactly the case.  
Still, she couldn't believe he'd agreed to meet this other girl! What if this other girl ended up being incredibly wonderful or cute or something? What if she was Ryoga's perfect match, like Akari thought she was. What if Ryoga and Yoshimi became boyfriend and girlfriend? After all, she found herself being more cruel to Ryoga than Akane was to Ranma, and just taking a look at their relationship, made her suspect Ryoga would all too easily fall for a girl who was as wonderful as the Yoshimi that Nabiki was imagining.  
The thought caused Nabiki to snap her pencil. Homework, so much homework!  
She couldn't think with this cursed boy clouding up her mind, she'd have to swear off men, take to girls instead, she disliked other women enough that she'd never have a successful relationship for the rest of her . . . where was she going with this line of thought?  
She slammed the broken pencils down, and stomped downstairs. She was so angry when she got there she could only manage to get two words out of her mouth. "Where . . . pig?"  
Akane-the only person downstairs-just dumbly pointed to the dojo, not looking up from her TV show (something with teenage super villains trying to conquer the world from the back seat of a car, while ordering food from a drive through) Nabiki stomped in there, and there was Ryoga and Ranma about to engage in vicious combat. Nabiki was about to grab him, when suddenly a new thought occurred to her.  
"Oh Ryoga, sweetie! Could I see you for a moment?"  
"It'll only take a moment fer me ta knock him out!" Ranma chuckled, "Don't worry, I'll leave enough of him for you to marry."  
Nabiki twitched. At this point she just batted her eyelashes and giggled. "Don't be silly, this is important."  
Ryoga frowned and came over. "Am I in trouble?"  
"No!" Nabiki forced an airhead giggle. "Of course not, I just wanted to talk for a little while."  
"Watch out Ryoga, she's been smoking *something*!" Ranma cried.  
"Don't be silly Ranma!" Nabiki cried, she grabbed Ryoga and hugged him, over the boy's shoulder she mouthed to Ranma 'Shut up or I make you feel financial pains as never before!' She took a step back from Ryoga. "We don't spend much time together, do we Ryoga?" She asked.  
"What are you talking about? I was with you just a moment ago, you sent me away because you had to do homework!"  
"Yes . . . well the home work is done silly, I thought we could go out or something." She batted her eyelashes.  
"Is there something in your eye?"  
"No." She said, her patience wearing thin. However she soon reverted to her cuteness-at least she hoped that was what it was-and kissed him on the cheek. "Don't you want to take me out to dinner? Or a movie?"  
"Would I be thrown at anyone's head?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.  
Nabiki didn't want to guarantee him that he wouldn't because she wasn't entirely sure herself, odd things could happen after all.  
She decided to be vague. "Why would I throw some one so cute as you away?"  
"Stop! I'm going to hurl!" Ranma cried.  
That's it! Nabiki was going to get some photos of Ranko in the bath, and xerox them and pass them out like fliers, or throw a stack of them from an airplane!  
However Ryoga seemed annoyed by the sex-changing boy's insults too, and scowled. "Okay then, Nabiki, where do you want to go?"  
"Oh anywhere you want to go sweet heart!"  
"Alright then." Ryoga said, Nabiki led him out of the dojo.  
"Where d'ya think yer going?" Ranma demanded.  
"On a date with my fiancee." Ryoga scowled.  
"What about our practice?"  
"Why don't you practice alone, I'm sure you can learn more from yourself than you ever could from me." Nabiki suddenly felt like Ranma and Ryoga were the ones dating and she was being used to make one of them jealous, which one she wasn't actually sure. Strangely enough she didn't care, she just wanted to get Ryoga all to herself, so she dragged him eagerly towards the door.  
"You coward!" Ranma tried.  
Ryoga stopped for an instant, but Nabiki dragged him on. Once outside the dojo, She kissed him on the cheek again, kissing him on the lips wouldn't be very cute, it'd be slutty. "Where are we going?"  
Ryoga looked at her in surprise. "You're really asking me? I get to choose? I thought you had some place in mind and you'd just say I got to choose and then you'd tell me and make me take you."  
"Don't be silly, why would I-"  
"Alright, what *are* you smoking?"  
Nabiki glared at him. "There's nothing wrong with me, I'm not doing anything abnormal!" Then she giggled.  
"Well I'm convinced . . . " Ryoga said, "that you're up to something, spill it!"  
Nabiki scowled. Then she turned around and stomped off. Now her stomping had attracted the attention of most of the household, Ryoga followed her, but she shut the door in his face.  
And then Nabiki stomped over to her bed, threw herself down, decided that she'd changed her mind, got up stomped over to the door, pulled Ryoga in by the back of the collar-he'd been trying to sneak away, the scum-and dragged him in, shutting the door after him. "Do you think that just because I slam the door in your face, you're permitted to leave!?"  
"Well . . . I sorta didn't want to just stand outside your door, I didn't want to crowd you or anything."  
"You were going to go fight Ranma!"  
"Maybe."  
"Whose boyfriend are you?"  
"Yours?" Ryoga shrugged.  
"Yes, mine!" Nabiki confirmed. She sighed and massaged her forehead. What a headache. "Why don't we ever go out on dates?"  
"Because whenever we're alone you want to skip straight to sex." Ryoga said simply. "If you recall, I tried to take you out once and your response was to lead me to a motel and try to spend the night there in what you called your own brand of 'bridal training'." Ryoga observed.   
"That was a long time ago!"  
"It was three days ago."  
"Might as well be three years!" Nabiki cried. "And don't try to make this my fault!"  
"I wasn't." Ryoga looked confused now.  
"Here's a question for you, we don't go out on dates, fine, let's assume it's because I'm always trying to have sex with you, now tell me why we don't have sex!"  
"Because I don't want to DIE!" Ryoga yelped. "Your father said he'd castrate me, and I looked it up, and that is *not* something I want!" Ryoga said.  
Nabiki sat on her bed. "Oh yeah? A likely excuse."  
Ryoga sighed. "Why are you upset? Is this because of the whole dancing thing?" Ryoga smiled, "if you want, I'll go get a glass of cold water and dance around for you."  
"How's about you take off all your cloths and just do me?" Nabiki offered. Ryoga sighed and massaged his forehead. "No? Well I bet you'd do Yoshimi!"  
"Is that what this is about?" Ryoga blinked.  
"Why did you agree to meet her?!" Nabiki demanded.  
Ryoga frowned. "Why not? I just have to meet her, and when they see I don't love her I'll be allowed to marry you."  
"And . . . and . . . that's stupid!" Nabiki snapped.  
"Are you afraid I'll fall in love with her?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.  
"No! If you think some rich girl would be a better girlfriend then me, then more power to you!"  
Nabiki scowled. "It isn't as if I-" but the next word of her sentence was spoken into Ryoga's mouth, after that she gave up on talking.  
He wrapped his arms around her and slowly their lips parted, she glared at him. "You think that makes everything better?!"  
"Shut you up for a little while, didnt it?" Ryoga shrugged.  
Nabiki smiled and shook her head slowly. "Ryoga, if you leave me for that rich girl . . . you wont have to worry about daddy, *I* will castrate you."  
"I don't doubt that for a second." Ryoga sighed.  
"So long as we're clear."  
"Okay, then . . . let's go."  
"Go where?"  
"On a date. Shish, I thought you were the smart one." Ryoga sighed.  
Nabiki frowned. "A date? Can't we just have sex?"  
Ryoga jumped up and pointed an accusing finger at her. "See? This is what I'm talking about!"  
"I was joking." Nabiki smiled.  
"Yeah right." Ryoga scoffed. "So . . . d'you want to go?" He asked.  
"Hmm? Alright." She sighed. "But . . . can we have sex after?"  
Ryoga sighed. "Alright."  
"Some times I wonder if you've hit puberty yet. You make it sound like a chore."  
"Who said it wasn't? Besides, I'm sixteen, of course I've hit puberty." Ryoga sighed.  
"Most sixteen year-olds in your position wouldn't give their beautiful older girlfriends a moment of rest, it'd be sex here, sex there, sex in the closet, sex in the kitchen, and so on."  
"Well we'll talk about that when we get back." Ryoga assured her. They were almost out the door when-  
"Ryoga!" Ryoga's mother snapped. Ryoga groaned, Nabiki's eyes narrowed and she clenched her fists. "Could I ask you to wait for a moment?"  
"What is it?" Ryoga sighed.  
"I need to see her for a moment." Ryoga's mother said. "Could you spare her."  
"She has a name." Nabiki said tensely.  
"Yes . . . I'm sure she does. Now, if you don't mind?"  
"Listen, if you cant even call her by her name-" Ryoga began, Nabiki squeezed his shoulder.  
"Relax honey, I don't have a problem with having a conversation with my *fiancée's* dear mother.  
Our date could wait a few minutes."  
"Indeed." Ryoga's mother said coldly. She dragged Nabiki off, the younger Tendo found herself in a closet.  
"Where were you trying to go?"  
"Don't take me for a fool, I brought you here on purpose!" Ryoga's mother scowled. "Ryoga got his teeth from me, he got the sense of direction from his father."  
"If you say so." Nabiki shrugged.  
"Now, all things aside . . . we have some issues to work out."  
"Really." Nabiki nodded.   
Then Ryoga's mother said calmly, "If you break up with him now, you'll get a fully paid scholarship to any college of your choice, in any country with a ten thousand yen a week allowance! Sign this contract!"  
It was dark, Nabiki could see nothing, but she grabbed the contract and tore it apart. "I will not leave him."  
Ryoga's mother laughed. "But, had he the choice, do you think he'd leave you?"  
"I . . . I doubt it." Nabiki said calmly. The answer didn't sound one bit certain, and to be honest she herself wasn't entirely certain. She knew Ryoga cared, and she certainly loved him, but if he had the chance to return to his old lifestyle, instead of being cooped up in the Tendo home all the time, would he take it? "He'd never leave me." Nabiki said, sounding more firm.  
Ryoga's mother opened the closet door and Nabiki could see her evil smile. "Take a look at the contract you just ripped apart."  
Nabiki looked at it, and saw that it was in fact the one she'd made Ryoga sign, making him her slave until the spring-cleaning was finished. She blinked. "So what?"  
"This contract held him to you, now it is destroyed." Ryoga's mother put her hands behind her back.  
"This contract is outdated, we had another one somewhere . . . oh I don't know where it is, still Ryoga is working off a debt right now, so his slavery doesn't have any set time, I can keep him forever."  
There was a clicking sound. "So he's just a slave to you then?"  
"Of course not!" Nabiki scowled. "I love him. I know you don't like me, but couldn't you at least pretend you do for his sake?"  
There was a clicking sound. "Do you really love him?"  
"Yes, of course!" Nabiki scowled. "That's what I just said isn't it?"  
"My fine young girl, you've just done me a magnificent favor. Well, off you go, enjoy your date, and keep your hands to yourself."  
Nabiki glared. "I hate you." She growled.  
"I know. I hate you too."  
"Good."  
"Good."   
To be continued . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
"They love each other!" Akane cried.  
"Play the tape for her." Ranma said.  
But as Ryoga's mother rewound the tape, there was a knock on the door. Kasumi got up and answered it, there was a police officer with Ryoga and Nabiki. The former looked humiliated and depressed, the latter looked thrilled.  
"Are you related to either of these two?" The cop asked, seeing how . . . well, law abiding Kasumi looked.  
"That is my sister, and my . . . eh . . . future brother-in-law." Kasumi nodded.  
"Our son was arrested!?" Ryoga's father wailed.  
Kasumi forced a smile. "So officer . . . wont you come inside and . . . tell us what they did?" 


	29. Why Must it Be?

Disclaimer: In this chapter Ryoga makes some comments about a movie called "Wing Captains" and Nabiki comments on "The Irascible Bulk" if you don't know, they are cheap rip offs of Wing Commander, and The Incredible Hulk. The comments they make are in fact my opinion, there is a very good chance that I am an American and so I have the right to offer my opinion on those movies, so there! But I might not be American, oh how you all would hate me if I ever admitted to being from any other country besides perhaps Japan. Uh . . . but I don't own Wing Commander (Movie) or The Hulk (Movie) for those of you who don't know, "Irascible" means "easily angered" or something along those lines. Go tell your parents you've learned a new word! ^_^  
  
A/N: Now those of you reading . . . this was the last chapter to be read by readers before the story was taken down. Some day, at the GrimmZ conventions (The huge conventions you will all one day hold in my honor, where at you'll all wear shirts that say in big bold blue letters "GrimmZ is watching me . . . Ryo-Biki ROX!!!" unless your shirt is blue or black, then the text will be red) you will talk about how you nearly never got to read the final chapter of Charlotte's Web.   
GrimmZ conventions, in about fifty years, or sooner if I can work up a large enough following, be there, or be square.  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 29  
Why Must it Be?  
  
Nabiki hung onto Ryoga's arm, mostly just so he wouldn't wander off. "Where are we going?" he asked.  
She smiled wickedly, "Oh, never you mind." They crossed the street and turned left at the light."It better not be a motel." Ryoga warned.  
Nabiki made a slight course correction, turning around and then turning right at the light. "I'd never even think of doing something immoral like that!"  
"Some times I think Kasumi got all the morals in your family." Ryoga said.  
"Well yes, we each got something. Kasumi took all mom's cooking skills, morals, kindness, strength of character if you will. There was no kindness left for me, so I have none, no cooking skills left for Akane, so she has none. We each got an even share of the remaining morals, I gave mine to Akane in exchange for her share of strength of character but she lied to me and I just got her strength of evil instead. Of course I sucked up all the intelligence. There wasn't enough of mom's personality left for Akane, so she just had to take from dad, that's why they're so much alike."  
"Oh-ho. . . that's very detailed, you told that story before, havent you?"  
"When Akane first came to school Kuno-baby asked me why she was a 'wondrous angel' and I was 'a greedy devil' and after much thought that was the answer I gave him. Of course he bought it."  
Ryoga seemed to consider that for a while. Then he recognized where they were. "This place looks familiar."  
"It should, it's Ukyo's place." Nabiki sighed. She didn't really want to be here.  
"Oh! Right . . . I knew that."  
"You want to go in?" Nabiki asked.  
"Uh . . . okay . . ." Ryoga frowned. "Yeah, I guess so. I have to tell her not to tell my parents where I'm hiding out anymore."  
Nabiki agreed fully. She would never, ever like her future mother-in-law. They walked in and there was Ukyo, behind the counter as always, with Konatsu serving tables. Nabiki didn't doubt that Konatsu was the most beautiful woman in his family.   
Figured the girl who acted and dressed like a boy would have friends like Konatsu and Tsubassa, who were boys who dressed like girls. Well, whatever. Nabiki waved to Ukyo, who fixed her an evil glare.  
"Heard yer working for the RHFC now, sugar." Ukyo said.  
"What? As if I'd ever go around with those freaks!" Nabiki scoffed. "Why should I be in a Ryoga fan club, when I've got the real Ryoga eating out of my hand?"  
"Hey!" Ryoga cried.  
"Shush honey, the women-folk are talking now."  
"Hey!" Ryoga repeated.  
Ukyo's glare disappeared, replaced with her characteristic smile. "That's good. You wouldn't  
want to join the RSFC would you?"  
"No, I'm not really in love with Ranma." Nabiki sighed.  
"Oh? That's too bad. We need a treasurer, we just had a . . . well something of a fund raiser, we've got funding up the wazu, but no one who is any good with money."  
The new TV that Ukyo had recently put in for her customers was showing the news, a balding reporter said, "In other news, an armored car was attacked this morning by a horde of young women firing paint balls!" The screen showed footage of RSFC members attacking the truck, with Ukyo herself slapping it onto it's side with a mighty whap of her battle spatula. "There are no suspects as of yet, but one of the attacks was available for comment."  
It cut to Shampoo. "Yes, we attack truck of money, only because we need it too feed giant army of RSFC! And soon we go to war with RHFC and wipe them out, we convert or kill!"  
Ukyo rushed over to the TV and turned it off. "Forget everything you've just heard." She said in a tone of warning.  
Ryoga blinked. Nabiki smiled and nodded. "I never watch the news anyway." She said.  
"Mm."  
"Ukyo, you didn't by chance direct my parents to the Tendo Dojo, did you?"  
"Well yes. If that's who they were." Ukyo shrugged.  
"In the future, please, *please* lie and tell them I'm in Siberia."  
"Ryoga, be nice. Tell them he's in Hawaii." Nabiki said.  
"Problems with yer folks?" Ukyo raised an eyebrow.  
"No, my mother just doesn't like Nabiki." Ryoga said.  
"Cant' imagine why." Ukyo said sarcastically. She looked at Nabiki. "You've gotta admit hon, you can be pretty cruel some times."  
"What'd I ever do to . . . never mind." Nabiki sighed.  
"She says Nabiki looks like a whore." Ryoga informed. Nabiki glared at him.  
"Well she doesn't have the gutter trash make up, or a cigarette hanging out of her mouth but . . . mm . . . yeah, I can see it. It's the shorts."  
"I'm going shopping tomorrow." Nabiki sighed.  
"You'd do that for Ryoga's mother's sake?" Konatsu asked. "Change your entire wardrobe?"  
"Not my entire wardrobe, just the shorts . . . even if they are comfortable, and look really good on me. Love is complicated." Nabiki sighed.  
"I know." Konatsu sighed, glancing at Ukyo for a moment.  
"What I'm really fearing is the trip to the mall, without Ryoga I wont know any of the colors."  
"Uh-huh. Oh, by the way, what do you actually want to eat?" Ukyo asked. "You're not just visiting me are you sugar?"  
Nabiki blinked. She hadn't thought of that, she'd planned on tricking Ryoga into going to a motel to skip to the fun part of the date. Well, that wasn't going to happen now, he was wise to her trick . . . and she'd just spent a good thirty seconds wondering what to order. "Salad!" She blurted.  
"Sah-lad?" Ukyo frowned. "What the heck is that? Konatsu, do you know how to make a sah-lad?"  
"No."  
"Alright sugar, you're going to have to walk me through it." Ukyo said.  
  
"How is this?" The ninja asked.  
The tape recorder played . . .  
"So he's just a slave to you then?"  
"Yes, of course!" "So what?"  
"Do you really love him?"  
"Of course not!"  
"Perfect!" Mrs. Hibiki chuckled. "Maybe this Nabiki girl expected me to steal her surprisingly well written contract, but I doubt she expected me to steal the tape recorder!"  
"Is all this necessary?" Mr. Hibiki asked.  
"It is necessary that our son marry properly." His wife said. "Don't you agree?"  
"Yes, I do, but I really like this Nabiki, she's smart, I'm sure she can take care of him."  
"She's a whore."  
"Maybe, but she's not making him pay, and a whore makes you pay for sex." Mr. Hibiki said.  
"No, that's a prostitute, a whore has sex with as many boys as she can find." Mrs. Hibiki corrected her husband.  
"No, that's a slut . . . or a hoe." Harume said.  
"No, a hoe is--" Mrs. Hibiki began, her husband cut her off.  
"Why are we even talking about this?" Mr. Hibiki demanded. "The fact is, our son is in love with her, and she's hot! When I was his age, I'd have killed to get into bed with my best friend's older sister, and she wasn't this pretty! Now look at him, he's *engaged* to his . . . rival's older sister-in-law!"  
"Well that's not exactly the same thing." Mrs. Hibiki scowled.  
"Not to mention it is just plain wrong." Harume said.  
"Agreed." Mrs. Hibiki said. "You never have sex with your best friend's older sister! That's as bad as having sex with . . . your best friend's mother!"  
"Actually, that would be a lot worse." Harume said.  
"Again, why are we even talking about this?" Ryoga's father asked. He didnt want to mention that he'd had a crush on his own best friend's mother when he was growing up.  
"Never you mind dear, it wont matter soon. No way Ryoga fails to dump her after this."  
"I don't see why he would. Heck, if I was hittin' that, she'd have to tell me she'd had a sex change before I'd even think of dumping her." The ninja piped up. "'Sides, she beats the heck out of Miss. Harume, the only one I'd want more is the one that cooks. Something about a chick in an apron that just turns me on." He looked around. "Did I say all that out loud?"  
"Speak only when you're spoken too!" Harume cried, hitting the pink ninja on the back of the head with his cane.  
  
Looking down on the evil conference that was taking place in the sitting room, Han Lo-Chun, daughter of the great Amazon tribe was filled with conflicting emotions. On the one hand, she should tell male servant of the evil plans of his family, since he probably wouldn't want to marry this Harume girl, and of course since Kasumi was now Lotion's mother-wether she liked it or not-that meant Nabiki was her aunt, and thus part of her family, and so it was Lotion's obligation to take care of her. On the other hand . . .  
It wasn't *really* her business, she didn't care a great deal and what more she'd probably forget it in another second, she couldn't even remember why she was hanging upside down from the stairway railing.  
"Think . . . think . . . think . . ." Lotion mumbled to herself. She began to scratch her chin as she tried to think, then she heard some one gasp, and Akane pulled her up.  
"Are you alright!?"  
"Yar . . . I think so." Lotion groaned as she rubbed her head. It felt funny for some reason.  
"What were you doing, hanging down like that? How did you get that way? Was it part of some sort of amazon training?"  
"Yes . . . yes I think it was!" Lotion slapped her fist into her palm. "That is why I was hanging like that!" She was so happy to remember that she forgot all about male servant's problems. Akane shook her head and walked of. Lotion turned and was about to walk down stairs to see Kasumi, when she tripped and ended up falling over the railing again, hanging by her feet again.  
"This is familiar!" She cried to herself. She was so intent on figuring out what made it familiar, that she forgot how she ended up hanging from the railing. Then the boy Ranma showed up and asked what she was doing. She just didn't know, and she wouldn't answer a worthless *male* anyway so she scoffed and told him to go away. He  
shrugged, told her that the blood would rush to her head and then left.  
In the back of her mind, only one thing registered. It was thankfulness. She was thankful that she was not wearing her normal outfit, instead a collection of whatever clothing had looked good from what people had been willing to let her borrow-which thankfully had included a pair of pants, rather than her normal dress.  
  
As they left the theater, Ryoga made an announcement. "I'm never taking you to another movie. Both dates we've seen movies, neither one was any good. I haven't seen a movie this bad since that one . . . I cant remember the name . . . the one that tried to make like a world war two movie set in outer space?"  
"You mean Wing Captains?"  
"That's the one!" Ryoga shuddered.  
"Who'd have thought a movie based on a comic book character would be so . . . stupid?" Nabiki sighed. "Besides, I never liked "The Irascible Bulk" you chose it."  
"Only because you chose the first one, which was just as bad."  
"My movie had elements of comedy relief, yours was so pathetically serious about itself that it was funny! But it certainly wasn't any good."  
"Hey, I'm not arguing about that." Ryoga said simply.  
"Then we're in agreement, I choose the movies from now on."  
"But I don't want to see any movies ever again." Ryoga said. "I'll wait for video . . . or better yet, I'll wait until they come out on regular TV."  
"Then what are we supposed to do on our dates?"  
"When we're old enough, we'll start going to bars."  
"Why? So you can get drunk and make an idiot out of yourself? Or so I can get drunk and not be my super intelligent self?"  
"Both." Ryoga said.  
"Getting drunk in a bar and then going home with some truck driver named Buck does not constitute a date."  
"I wouldn't let you go home with any truck drivers." Ryoga said, grinning at her.  
Nabiki smiled back at him, and said, "No, I meant you, directionless wonder. Besides, I will not wait four years for our next date, three and a half years if I want to try and sneak you into the bar."  
He laughed weakly and shook his head. "Then we can go out to a nice restaurant. That maybe knows how to make salad?"  
"Hmm . . . too much of a chance we'd run into Kinnosuke, or worse I'd make you pay too much. It's a bit of a habit y'know?"  
"Oh-ho . . ." Ryoga scratched his head. "Wow. I don't know where to take you. You're hard to please."  
"Well you could just take me home." Nabiki offered. "I'm sure we can think of *something* to do. Didn't you make a promise before we left?"  
"Oh? Well I wouldn't call it a promise, so much as a suggestion."  
"You cant call it a suggestion! That's the wrong word entirely!" Nabiki protested.  
"Again, I don't want to die."  
"There is still the motel."  
"You have the money to check in?"  
Nabiki scoffed. "Ryoga, if I don't have money, I can get money, five minutes tops."  
"Oh yeah? I'll make you a bet then. You work up a motel fee in five minutes, and we'll go to a motel. If not, we're going to go to . . . an arcade."  
"Wont that cost more than the motel?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow, Ryoga smiled.  
"Potentially, yes." He said. 'But since I don't want to be castrated . . .' he thought. "But we'll play only one game. That robot arm thing where you strangle the animals."  
"You mean the one where you win stuffed animals?"  
"Uh . . . yeah, that's a good game too."  
"But that's a crappy date."  
"We could try and sneak into another movie." Ryoga offered with a chuckle.  
Nabiki did that thing where her face goes from looking disgusted to looking really pleased in a half second. "That might be fun."  
"Huh? I was joking!" Ryoga said.  
"Oh . . . and here I thought you were smart, and brave, a risk taker even." Nabiki sighed. Ryoga frowned. "Hey, I am a smart, brave risk taker!" He protested.  
"Hmm? Well then . . . risk taker . . . what movie should we sneak into?"  
"Uh . . . Wing Captain?" Ryoga offered.  
  
"And so, in light of this tape recording, I cannot allow your daughter to wed my son." Ryoga's mother said simply. Kasumi frowned, father did too.  
"I knew she'd do something like this." Soun said. "I have my chance, the chance for the Tendo Training Hall to obtain two of the most ferocious fighters in the area as instructors, and she ruins it by being . . . her!" He turned to Kasumi. "We should be alright with just Ranma, right? Do you think we can still crush the Koruda school of combat?"  
Kasumi shook her head slowly. "Yes of course father," she said, even though she still didn't know what the Koruda school was and really didn't care anymore anyway. To Ryoga's mother she said, "I cannot believe she'd be that . . . well . . ." Kasumi tried to find the word.  
"Evil? Cruel?" Mrs. Hibiki offered. "Sultry? Callous?"  
"No, I was going to say 'honest'."  
"Oh yes . . . well when you've raised children, you'll know how to get them to tell the truth."  
"I have raised children." Kasumi's eyes narrowed. "Two of them."  
"Really?" Father asked, Kasumi ignored him.  
"I know Nabiki well enough not to dispute this tape, I only feel sorry for Ryoga." Ranma said. "I guess now life will revert back to where everything seems to revolve around me. Not that I minded the break, but what can I say? When the universe revolves around you, that's just how it is."  
"Confucius?" Akane asked.  
"Sun Tzu." Ranma said.  
"Don't be stupid, neither of them ever said that!" Cologne scowled.  
"What are you doing here?" Ranma cried.  
"Making a nuisance of myself." Cologne sighed. "Oh, and I wanted to tell Han that since she's decided not to go back to the village, she has to marry Mousse, since he defeated her in combat.   
"Never! It is not fair, the laws of our village do not apply in another country, and anyway you are only doing this because Mousse is a thorn in your side what with his obsession with Shampoo!"  
The Amazon shouted from the stairway.  
Kasumi sighed. "Alright, could we get back to the actual topic of conversation? My sister, your son, the possibility of a canceled engagement?"  
"It is not a possibility, it is a reality, they will not be married." Mrs. Hibiki said. "They deserve better! My son needs a woman who can take care of him, who will tolerate his wandering without seeking other men to entertain her physically, and it wouldnt kill her to know martial arts so that she could train their fifteen children when he is away." There was a pause. "Oh! And I suppose your sister deserves to meet some one like her as well."  
"They love each other!" Akane cried.  
"Play the tape for her." Ranma said.  
But as Ryoga's mother rewound the tape, there was a knock on the door. Kasumi got up and answered it, there was a police officer with Ryoga and Nabiki. The former looked humiliated and depressed, the latter looked thrilled.  
"Are you related to either of these two?" The cop asked, seeing how . . . well, law abiding Kasumi looked.  
"That is my sister, and my . . . eh . . . future brother-in-law." Kasumi nodded.  
"Our son was arrested!?" Ryoga's father wailed.  
Kasumi forced a smile. "So officer . . . wont you come inside and . . . tell us what they did?"  
  
Ryoga bowed his head in shame as the cop went over the details of his law-breaking. They'd snuck into a movie, that wasn't so bad. They'd been caught, not so bad. Nabiki dared the security guard to arrest them. That was just dumb. Through it all Soun and Ryoga's father and mother had played the concerned parents, claiming they were just glad to have their children home. It was once the cop was gone, and everyone who might report the coming assault as child abuse that they started tearing into their unsuspecting kids.  
Soun started wailing and crying, and mother whacked Ryoga over the head with a fan until he recited all of their ancestors all the way back to the very first Hibiki, Ryo-Kay.  
"What were you thinking!?" Soun demanded.  
"Well I didn't think he had the power to actually do it!" Nabiki cried. "Besides, it was fun! Like those two British bank robbers! Bobby and Klien!"  
"I think you're very, very confused." Mr. Harume sighed. "Bobby and Klien were not real people, the person you want to admire is Smelly the Two Armed Bandit!"  
"Sir!" Soun said. "Please do not encourage my daughter to break laws, by telling her of crime heroes! And Smelly wasn't real either!"  
"Quite right. We don't need her getting ideas." Harume nodded. "But Smelly *was* real." Ryoga sighed.  
"Nabiki, how could you do something like that?" Kasumi chided.  
"What's the big deal? We got off with a warning, and we got a free ride home." Nabiki said.  
"What's next? Are you going to run around town with a big American flag, shouting 'down with communism!' or just start taking speed?" Mother asked. Ryoga scowled at her, she ignored him.  
"Well, 'speed' might be fun if I knew what the heck it was." Nabiki said idly. "Anyway, if I wanted to protest communism, I'd either start in a communist country, or start by conquering this little island. Then we're looking at a dictatorship, no one drinks the sodas I don't like, and those software companies? They give me ten percent of everything they make each year, if they're caught cheating me I put them out of business, their executives will be forced into slavery." She said simply.  
Kasumi shook her head. "As if the tape wasn't bad enough, now we find out you have a hard-on for law breaking?"  
"Technically Kasumi, only guys can have a 'hard-on'." Ranma noted.  
"What tape?" Nabiki demanded.  
"This tape! The tape recording of our conversation!" Mother laughed. Ryoga groaned.  
"So what's the big deal?" Nabiki scoffed.  
Mother grinned wickedly, and pressed the 'play' button.  
Her voice came on.  
"Note to self, find out if that amazon girl is on drugs . . ."  
"HEY!" Lotion shouted from the stairway.  
"Oops! That's a little too far back." Mother admitted. She pressed the fast forward button. She came to the point she wanted, and pressed 'play'.  
"So he's just a slave to you then?" Mother's voice asked simply.  
"Yes, of course!" Nabiki said. "So what?"  
"Do you really love him?" Mother asked skeptically.  
"Of course not!"  
Ryoga looked over to Nabiki, who looked like she didn't understand what had just happened.  
"Is that supposed to be my voice?" She asked.  
"Yes. Isn't that what you said?" Ryoga's mother pressed.  
"What? No it isn't, I remember pretty clearly our conversation. Lets see . . . hmm . . . I know it ended with me telling you that I hated you, and you saying you hated me . . . hmm . . ."  
Ryoga sighed, he didn't believe it. He wouldn't believe it. Not only had mother been trying to sabotage him and Nabiki from the moment she learned of the engagement, but Nabiki would never be so careless as to actually say something like that out loud. And yet . . . how else would mother have gotten the recording. "You didn't really say that, did you?" Ryoga raised an eyebrow.  
Nabiki smiled at him. "Who are you going to believe? A tape recorder with my voice on it, or me . . . no wait, don't answer that! Believe me, I didn't say anything like that, she's lying!"  
"If I am lying, why do I have it all on tape?" Mother demanded.  
"It is clearly you, having a conversation with yourself, mimicking my voice." Nabiki responded.  
"No, that's your voice." Mother sighed. She shook her head and looked at Ryoga. "Are you sure you love her son? She isn't as bright as you say she is."  
"Cant you just stop already?" Ryoga sighed.  
"I am your mother, don't tell me when to stop!" She cried. "I have only your best interests at heart!"  
Ryoga thought for a moment closed his eyes and tried to concentrate. "Of course. I understand. Even if that means going against the deal we made earlier in the dojo?"  
"Do you really think I'd ever keep that promise-er I mean nonsense! I'd never lie to you!"  
"Honey, let him have his way already, we don't need him *hating* us for the rest of his life!"  
"Oh yeah? Well you may feel that way, but I for one don't care if he hates me!" Harume cried.  
"Ryoga Hibiki, I must be rid of my daughter! And you are the only man that wants her!"  
"But I don't want her." Ryoga said.  
"Eh? Oh . . . okay then." Harume smiled to himself, then some spasm traveled through his body.  
"Wait! I mean 'that's too bad!' Because you're going to marry Yoshimi! I challenge you to a fight!"  
"You're on!" Ryoga laughed.  
"Challenge? Fight? Some one challenging me? This hour? Eh?" Ranma perked up form sleep.  
"Go back to sleep Ranma, he was talking to Ryoga." Akane said.  
"Ahh . . . good . . . zzzz"  
"I swear, he hears the words 'challenge', 'martial arts' or 'fight' and he's all ears, anything else and he's about as thick as a castle's wall." Akane sighed when Ranma had fallen asleep again.  
"WAH! Martial arts! Challenging me to Martial Arts? No one beats me at Martial Arts!" Ranma woke up again.  
"See what I mean?" Akane sighed, and just bopped him on the head, he went right back to sleep.  
Ryoga fought a smile. Not because of Ranma and Akane, but because he knew this was his chance! This was his moment!  
"No Mr. Harume, I challenge *you*!" Ryoga said.  
"Same difference." Harume scoffed.  
"Yes, but if I win, you never bother me to marry your daughter again! If I loose, I'll gladly marry Yoshimi!"  
"Ryoga!" Nabiki snapped.  
"Relax, I cant possibly lose." Ryoga chuckled.  
"Excellent! Then let the two on two battle begin!" Harume cried.  
"Right!" Ryoga nodded. He frowned. "Hold on a second, two on two?" He blinked.  
"Yes. You cannot expect me, a rich man to fight without his loyal ninja body guard! You may use your own ninja body guard if you wish."  
"But . . . but I don't have a ninja body guard!" Ryoga said.  
Harume smiled wickedly. "Oh? What a shame."  
"Had to knock out Ranma, didn't you Akane?" Nabiki growled.  
"Don't blame this on me!" Akane cried.  
"Why not, it's so convenient." Nabiki hissed.  
"She's right Nabiki, this isn't her fault." Ryoga scoffed. "Besides, Ranma isnt a ninja. What's the problem? You don't think I can handle these two?"  
"Sure you can." Nabiki sighed. "But if you don't . . ."  
"Don't worry, I'll help you, Ryoga!" Akane cried.  
"No you wont!" Harume said. "I will not allow my henchman a young lady with your masterful cooking skills."  
"You're just joking, right?" Kasumi blinked.  
"No fair!" Akane cried.  
"Well, then I suppose I'll have to step in." Soun said reluctantly. "For the sake of my daughter's happiness . . ."  
"No, I wont fight my own host." Harume said.  
"Oh . . . drat. Well, daddy tried, Nabiki." Soun said, he sounded relieved though.  
"Don't worry son, I'll fight with you!" Father tried.  
"No you wont." Mother said.  
"I guess I'm on my own." Ryoga said simply.  
"No! I'll fight with you!" Nabiki offered.  
Ryoga looked at her. Their eyes met and there was a moment of serene love that passed between them . . . then it was over powered, and shot to death by unbridled laughter. "Yeah right!" Ryoga laughed.  
"Really Nabiki, you? Fight?" Akane cried, choking back tears.  
"It is not that we doubt you're financial skills Nabiki, but I seem to remember a little girl who swore off martial arts when the punching bag beat her to a pulp twelve matches straight!" Genma laughed.  
"That's as funny as Lotion saying she was going to some day beat Shampoo!" Cologne laughed.  
"Yes, that is . . . HEY!" Lotion cried. "Does no one care about my feelings?"  
"Nope!" Nabiki laughed. Then she stopped herself. "I mean, yes! Yes Lotion, we all love you.  
Won't you do us a mighty favor, and lend us your fighting skills?"  
"I think I'm better off without her help." Ryoga noted.  
"She'll distract one of them long enough for you to finish the other." Nabiki whispered.  
"Okay, here are the rules," Harume said. "The battle is over once one team looses a team member, if the amazon faints, or is kicked out of the circle before the battle is over, and you loose." Harume smiled.  
"Aww nuts." Nabiki sighed.  
"No matter, I'll just have to be really careful." Ryoga said. "And Lotion, don't get out of the circle!"  
"Uh . . . yes . . . what circle?" Lotion asked.  
Everyone was silent. Finally Genma sighed. "From the mouths of babes."  
"Well we haven't made a circle yet." Harume admitted. "But take one step out of it, and it's over!"  
"Aha, yes." Lotion nodded.  
"Lets make this circle, and then lets begin." Ryoga said eagerly.  
  
"I want a good clean fight! No hitting bellow the belt, no super powered attacks, and most importantly no sharp edged weapons! First member of either team to step, or land outside of the circle disqualifies himself-or herself and his-or her partner." Ryoga's mother said. "Now lets get it on!"  
The ninja watched Ryoga and the amazon. He knew just how to handle the tough boy, and even old man Harume could take the Amazon. This would be easy! He decided he should get ready to say "Hello!" to his next pay check, which would be ridiculously large after this!  
  
Harume was thinking something more along the lines of wether or not the amazon was seeing anyone, sure she looked like she might well be Yoshimi's age, but then ever since he'd seen that American show with that warrior woman with the flying ring he'd wanted to make out with an amazon.   
  
Ryoga was thinking about how screwed he was. Lotion was likely to leave the ring on accident before the fighting really started. He took one last look at Nabiki and felt his heart pounding. He couldn't afford to lose this fight!  
  
Despite popular belief, Lo-Chun was not stupid. She was absolutely certain that she could prove it by helping male servant win this competition. But then when she stepped into the circle, she realized she really, really had to go to the bathroom!  
She'd have to make this quick. "You know," she said to Harume and his ninja, "there are three things that Han Lo-Chun does not like. Things she will not stand for. First, I do not like Shampoo. Second, I loath trees. Now third, and finally . . . well I know you adjusted that tape for your own purposes to defame the sister of my adopted mother, Kasumi, and it makes me sick!"  
Kasumi groaned. Lo-Chun wasn't sure if it was because of her declaration about the tape, or her calling Kasumi her adopted mother. "The third thing I do not like is any kind of cheater, which is why I do not like you! And that said . . ." She splashed Ryoga with cold water. "behold my pig!"  
"PIGGIE!" Harume cried. "OOH! I'm gonna eat youu!"  
"Master! NNNOOO!" The ninja cried.  
Lo-Chun threw male servant out of the ring, Harume shot off like a bullet following him, catching him and drooling.  
"What have you done!?" Akane cried. "You just made Ryoga lose!"  
"Not so!" Lo-Chun said. She pointed to Harume, who was standing outside the circle, holding P-Chan. "You see? Male servant has not landed outside of the ring, however Mr. Harume left it of his own accord."  
"Wow!" Kasumi gasped.  
"That's something we'd never expect from you." Cologne said, it sounded as if there was the tiniest measure of approval in her voice. Lo-Chun felt so proud!  
"Yes . . . well it doesn't count as a victory." Ryoga's mother said coldly. Lo-Chun fell over.  
"But . . . but I did something right! I won! I REALLY won!"  
"Yes dear, good for you. However Ryoga is not in the ring, and so he is therefore out of the ring, even if he didn't land outside he is still outside."  
"But you said land or step out of!" Lo-Chun cried.  
"Yes, but I would assume that if one's entire body was outside of the circle he'd have stepped out, or been thrown out. Come now, no one can fly, so therefor Ryoga is disqualified."  
"Oh no you don't!" Lo-Chun cried, drawing two knives and spinning them menacingly just to show Mrs. Hibiki what she could do.  
"Uh . . . in light of your ingenuity and willingness to risk defeat for the sake of a well though out ploy however, I will consider it a tie." Mrs. Hibiki offered.  
Lo-Chun decided this was acceptable. She nodded and sheathed her daggers. Kasumi sighed with relief. "Good thing Mrs. Hibiki doesn't know that our Hand Lotion doesn't know how to use those."  
"Seriously." Akane agreed.  
Lo-Chun scoffed. "I do so know how to use them!" She threw them, both missed their targets-Kasumi and Akane-and instead pinned the pink ninja to the wall by the oversized feminine shoulder pads. "Drat-er I mean, see!? See that? Pure skill!" Lo-Chun cried.  
"Very good." Kasumi said, she sounded impressed.  
"That was amazing!" Akane gawked.  
"What did I do to you?!" The ninja complained.  
"Heh-heh-heh, all in a day's work for an assassin!" Lo-Chun chuckled.  
  
"You know, for an assassin, you don't really kill very many people." Mr. Saotome pointed out. Lo-Chun scowled. "Well no one has hired me! I do not murder for free!"  
And then Mrs. Hibiki knew what she had to do. Ryoga's infatuation with this girl had to end, and if it . . . no . . . no, assassinating her son wouldn't solve anything.  
Well, she'd thought she was on to something. But wait! She could assassinate Nabiki instead!   
Perfect!  
No . . . no she didn't really want to kill Nabiki . . . she'd had no problem with her until she found out she was engaged to Ryoga, in all fairness she couldn't kill a young girl just for loving her son, after all, Ryoga had his father's good looks combined with his mother's level headed mature attitude and with a combination like that it was no surprise Ryoga had the seventeen year old goddess wanting him.  
Still, Nabiki was not nearly as rich as Yoshimi, and no matter how good she was with money, she probably never would be. Ryoga needed a wife who'd take care of him, Nabiki was more like a big sister.  
'The sort of big sister you have sex with.' Mrs. Hibiki thought bitterly. 'Okay, 'big sister' was a bad example.' She decided. 'Still, the girl isn't really wife material.'  
She watched Nabiki toss scorching hot water on Ryoga, and then Mr. Harume was hugging a naked, teenage boy with a bit more muscle than he had right to have.  
"AAHH!" Harume cried.  
"AAHH!" Ryoga agreed.  
Kasumi brought Ryoga his cloths while the assassin complained about how she had to get a "new pair of virgin eyes" thanks to the "male servant's" shamelessness.  
Mrs. Hibiki sighed. If Ryoga really wanted to marry this girl, there was just one thing to do. "You there, Middle Tendo who dresses like a . . . grr . . . you know what you dress like. Come with me, we must speak!"  
"How stupid do you think I am?" Nabiki demanded.  
"Oh we'll get into that later." Ryoga's mother assured Nabiki. "For now, you and I must talk."  
"Oh joy." Nabiki scowled.  
"I know." Mrs. Hibiki scowled back.  
  
Later, in her own room Nabiki entertained the woman that she still hoped-but with less enthusiasm now-to some day call 'mother'.  
"You understand, I only want what's best for him." Ryoga's mother said.  
"You keep saying that, but you wont listen to him." Nabiki said tensely.  
"I hear every word. He's in love with a girl who is 'only' a year older, she's just dressing like normal teenage girls, and most importantly, she happens to have contracts-or rather, a single contract now-holding him to her as a slave."  
"I'll tear the contract up right now if you want, it doesn't matter." Nabiki shrugged. "I *love* him, I'm sure you know how that feels."  
"That's the only reason I haven't killed you yet." Ryoga's mother sighed.  
Nabiki shook her head. "I'm going to go shopping tomorrow . . . if you want to come and tell me what sort of clothing you think is appropriate you're welcome to tag along, but if you get lost I'm not coming after you."  
"I thought I told you, I don't have a bad sense of direction!" Ryoga's mother cried.  
Nabiki smiled. "It wont matter in this mall. *I* got lost in this mall."  
"Is it big?"  
"Massive." Nabiki nodded.  
"Very well. I suppose I could go with you. But that is off subject!"  
"Is it?"  
"Yes. You see the problem is not just your clothing, it is you. You are too old."  
"Oh, sure, but you've got no problem with Kasumi marrying him."  
"Well I do not know how old Kasumi is." Ryoga's mom shrugged.  
"She's going on twenty." Nabiki's eyes narrowed.  
"I . . . see . . . well at least she cooks."  
"I can cook!"  
"And she cleans."  
"I clean . . . when I'm motivated to do so."  
"She is nice."  
"I can . . . be . . . eh . . . nice. Kind of." Nabiki said. She shook her head. "Look, it doesn't matter, because unless I'm blind as a bat, Ryoga loves me, and not Kasumi. Not to mention the fact that Kasumi has no interest in younger men."  
"Yes, I remember that, what a shame."  
"So?" Nabiki asked.  
"So . . . yes."  
"Yes?"  
"You may marry my son."  
Nabiki froze. She felt extreme pressure lift off her shoulders, then she felt suspicious.  
"You may marry Ryoga, after he's had his second formal meeting with Yoshimi, then if he still wants you, you two may get married. Your mother and father must sign a contract with my husband and me, signifying the union of our clans, and so on, and you must wait one year until Ryoga is eighteen so that you may be married legally."  
"Oh-ho. Does it matter that I don't have a mother?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  
"Meh. Kasumi can sign I suppose." Ryoga's mother said. "But before you even think of wedding my son-"  
"Too late." Nabiki said.  
Ryoga's mother scowled. "Yes, well before you think of it further, you will have to undergo serious bridal training."  
"Yeah, I've been trying to talk him into that, but he's never in the mood." Nabiki complained before she realized what Ryoga's mother had meant. "Eh . . . oops."  
"Well . . . I'm not sure if I want to understand what that meant, so I'll not dwell on it. Anyway you will receive vigorous training by me."  
"Yes ma'am." Nabiki yawned.  
"It will be very vigorous!" Ryoga's mother warned.  
"Right."  
"You will suffer pain as never before." She added.  
"If it means you letting me marry Ryoga? I'll suffer anything!"  
"Excellent." Ryoga's mother laughed wickedly.  
  
Ryoga whacked his father in the back of the head. "And you just let her try to trick me?"  
"Yes!" Father scowled, whacking Ryoga back.  
"What the heck is wrong with you?" Ryoga demand. "Stand up to her for once!"  
"Why don't you?"  
"I have been! But I'm her son, it isn't proper, you're her husband, you're allowed to argue with her!"  
"But if you want to ever have a little sister, or brother, it's best if I let her have her way." Dad sighed.  
Ryoga scoffed. "Listen, listen carefully, when mom walks through that door, I'm going to tell her off, and you just back me up, okay?"  
"Well alright." Dad sighed.  
"Those of us about to die, salute you." Ranma nodded.  
"Be quiet!" Ryoga growled. The door opened and in came mom and Nabiki. "Mother!" Ryoga cried.  
"Yes?"  
"Listen to me, and don't interrupt! If she's willing I'm going to marry Nabiki. I should be able to marry whomever I want to anyway, and you cant make me marry Yoshimi! You went against our bargain and tried to trick me, well if you try some ploy like that I will no longer call myself 'Hibiki', do you understand?"  
"Of course. I can see you'll not take 'no' for an answer my son, and so I will allow you to marry this girl after she has had proper bridal training from me, and you've had your second formal meeting with Yoshimi."  
"My what? Ewe!" Ryoga groaned.   
"You're one heck of a negotiator, Ryoga." Nabiki smiled at him.  
"Heh-heh, I sure am . . . why do I feel like I'm part of some joke that I don't know about?"  
"What ever could you mean?" Mother giggled.  
"You two are laughing for one, and furthermore I was expecting you to harm me, mom."  
"Yeah, I was expecting something similar." Father noded. "Instead yo agree? Honey, what are you playing at?"  
"Well Ryoga will love Yoshimi the moment he sees her, but if we try to force him he'll be extra stubborn, he has to give love a chance, and if letting him have his whore until then is the way to do that, then so be it."  
"We're still standing right here!" Ryoga scowled.  
"When you plot behind someone's back, do it *behind* their backs." Nabiki nodded.  
"Oh . . . uh . . . why don't you two go and . . . do something . . . uh, with your cloths on that is."  
Mom shrugged.  
Ryoga sighed. Nabiki dragged him out of the room.  
  
"Some times I worry about him." Mrs. Hibiki sighed. "He never told us he was into the sultry girls, I could have arranged a marriage to that Reiko Mitamura girl."  
"Honey, I'd love to agree, but I must know . . . what the heck does 'sultry' mean? Is it like a fancy way of saying 'slutty?' or something?"  
"Sort of." Mrs. Hibiki sighed. "Darling, do you think this is the right thing to do?"  
"Oh I suppose. I don't care for Yoshimi, Ryoga probably wont, at least now we know he'll end up with a girl."  
"Huh?"  
"Well I remember he used to write to me about this pigtailed boy that he was following around, and someone named Akane. The basic ambiance of his letters suggested he had something for Akane, but this Akane person sounded so masculine and, well I feared we'd never have grand children."  
The boy, Ranma, fell over laughing.  
Mrs. Hibiki sighed. "Darling, Akane is the youngest daughter of our kind host, if you recall."  
"Eh? Which one is she?"  
"The short one."  
"Oh! Well . . . Ryoga isn't gay then! I'm so happy I could . . . I could . . . go to sleep." He said, and he did so.  
Mrs. Hibiki chuckled. "Oh yes, sleep husband dear. And go ahead and think you've won, Ryoga, but I have one last trick up my sleeve! Soon Ryoga, soon I will-"  
"Are you calling me?" Ryoga asked, showing up in the doorway.  
"No dear." His mother said waving him away, he left and she continued, "Soon I will convince your girlfriend to wear such stupid cloths that he'll never want to touch her! Ahahahaha!"  
The boy, Ranma scratched his head. "You're weird."  
"Thank you." Mrs. Hibiki chuckled. "I don't suppose I could bother you not to tell my son what I  
just said?"  
"Well he's my rival, but he's also my best friend." Ranma said.  
"I have candy."  
"Mom always said to never take candy from strangers." Ranma narrowed his eyes.  
"Oh, but I'm no stranger, I'm you best friend's mother. Besides, your mom isn't here."  
"Oh yeah! What kind of candy ya got?"  
"Lemon drops." She whispered. "Lemon drops with a special secret ingredient!" She cried.  
"Special, secret forgetful potion! Ahahaha!"  
Ranma scoffed. "No thanks."  
"Curses, I said the quiet part loud, and the loud part quiet, didn't I?"  
"Yes."  
"Hmm . . . in that case . . . Amnesia Dust!" She cried, throwing dust into Ranma's eyes.  
"Ahh! You just threw dust in my eyes and I cant remember why!"  
"Heh-heh. Now the world is safe for my evil!" Ryoga's mother chuckled. Too bad Nabiki didn't know that in inviting her future mother-in-law to come shopping with her she'd helped separate herself from Ryoga! Hah!  
Oh no! Mrs. Hibiki realized she'd just thought of herself as Nabiki's future mother-in-law! That couldn't be a good omen!  
  
To Be Concluded . . .  
  
Next Chapter . . .  
Ryoga had this strange suspicion that mother nature didn't introduce mankind to sex just so they could relieve stress and feel really good, there was a catch, it was designed to continue the species.  
That if felt so good had resulted in mankind overrunning the world and slowly killing mother nature.  
Ryoga decided she must be feeling pretty stupid by now. 


	30. The End of this Web Lemon

Disclaimer: If there is anything I have forgotten to disclaim, let it be known here and now, that at the least I do not own Ranma 1/2, I do not own the cartoon movie Charlotte's Web, with the pig and the talking spider. I don't own Exo-Squad, Wing Commander Academy-TV, Samurai Pizza Cats, Dragon Ball Z, or Sailor Moon. I know there is a game called Pirate's Moon, but Nabiki's reference to "Pirate Moon" is his chapter is meant as a reference to Sailor Moon, and I don't own either one. I don't own Narnia. I don't own The Sixth Sense or Star Wars. I do not own Tenchi from Tenchi (any variant) or Gene Starwind from Outlaw Star either. I don't own Invader Zim.  
  
A/N: And here it is, the chapter you almost didn't get to read. It was only half done when the fic was taken down, so I had to come back in and redo some things, there might be mistakes, yes I proofread it, that doesn't mean I'm perfect (I just try to get people to think that I am) however I do plan to revise this chapter later.  
But you, readers . . .   
1: Write Ryoga/Nabiki fictions! We can and will overthrow the world . . . I think . . . If you do write a Ryoga/Nabiki story, e-mail me or something, and I'll review it, and praise you (unless you really suck)  
2: Remember, GrimmZ conventions, be there. Ten years or so . . .  
3: Not everyone's cup of tea . . . but . . . Invader Zim rocks!!  
  
Charlotte's Web  
Chapter 30 (Deluxe)  
The End of this Web (Lemon)  
  
There is a beginning and ending to every story. You've seen it's beginning, now it all ends! The final episode of "Weeks of our Lives" will air tomorrow at noon!  
"God no!" Kasumi moaned.  
"The end of the adventures of Gray the womanizer?" Soun yawned. "Oh, what a shame." he said sarcastically.  
  
Nabiki pinched Ryoga's shoulder, "Did you forget something? Something you said you would do with me?"  
"What? You mean the sex I promised you?"  
"Yeah, that's it."  
"Mother just gave us permission to marry, then she gave us instructions to go and do something together with our cloths on."  
"Well we can have sex with our cloths on Ryoga." Nabiki informed him. "It isnt quite as much fun, and I'd have to change into a skirt . . . do those unzip?"  
"No." Ryoga said. Actually he couldnt remember. Guys don't remember the real details about their clothing, the ones that do are secretly women. Be warned.  
Nabiki sighed. "Tomorrow I'm going shopping with your mother. You're coming too." she said.  
"I am?"  
"Yes." Nabiki nodded.  
"But why?" Ryoga asked, scratching his head. "I hate shopping."  
"No you don't!"  
"Yes I do."  
"No you don't!" Nabiki waved her hand in front of his face.  
"Well I guess it isn't so bad." Ryoga admitted, though he wasn't sure why he'd just changed his mind.  
"You're a duck!" Nabiki informed him.  
"What is it with you and–QUACK!" Ryoga blurted the last part out.  
"Wow! I really do have powers!" Nabiki chuckled. Then frowned. "Of course this just means you're weak minded, honey."  
"It does?" Ryoga blinked.  
"Uh-huh. Mind Tricks only work on the weak minded. Like you, Ranma, Akane and of course Kuno."  
"I guess . . ." Ryoga scratched his head again. He wasn't so sure, but then Nabiki had just made him quack. Then again, she made him do a lot of things.  
"Do you want to see if Harume is weak minded?" Nabiki asked. Ryoga frowned.  
Weak minded or not he was flooded with ideas. They could use Nabiki's unexplainable power to convince Harume that Ryoga and Yoshimi would be a terrible match, convince the old coot to arrange Yoshimi's marriage to some other poor son of a gun.  
"We can go and convince that old jerk to give us all his money, then your mother wont be able to complain about my financial situation!" Nabiki laughed wickedly.  
"Not quite what I had in mind . . ." Ryoga said.  
"Oh? And what is your plan, weak minded slave?" The middle Tendo scoffed.  
"Well I thought we'd use your power to convince him to marry Yoshimi off to someone else, that done, with you the only alternative we could get married and there is nothing mother could do to stop us." Ryoga said.  
Nabiki blinked. "That's almost as good as my plan. Oh wait, Ryoga! I've just had the greatest plan! We're going to use my new unexplainable power to convince Harume to wed his daughter off to some other poor slob, leaving you completely free! That would make me your only fiancee, and whether your mother liked it or not I'd be the only woman for you to marry!"  
"But that was my plan!" Ryoga protested.  
"No it wasn't." Nabiki waved her hand.  
"What wasn't?" Ryoga asked.  
"Nothing sweet heart!" Nabiki smiled. "Let's go see our friend, Harume!"  
"He isn't our friend!" Ryoga scowled. He felt a little confused. So confused that he was having flashbacks of all the television shows he'd ever seen as a child. He'd watched Techno Squad, Wing Captain Academy, Dragoon Balls X, and Samurai Spaghetti Cats mostly . . . he now pitied himself. And he pittied the cats, their show was so badly animated that no adult would watch it, and filled with so many sex jokes that no kid would understand it.  
"What the heck was Payment supposed to be?" He blurted suddenly.  
Nabiki blinked. "Payment of what?"  
"From Wing Captain Academy, the animated series. There was the one female cadet with a split personality named Payment, she had green skin and purple hair . . . was she some sort of alien?" Ryoga asked.  
"I guess." Nabiki frowned. Ryoga decided her apparent lack of interest meant he should continue.  
"No one seemed bothered by the fact that she had green skin, one guy kept hitting on her and everything! The main character seemed to have a thing for her too on a couple occasions."  
"Why the heck was she called Payment? Was she some sort of hooker or something?"  
"I cant quite remember, I think her family had commited suicide because of their bad taxes . . ." Ryoga said.  
Nabiki shrugged. "I spent all my time watching Pirate Moon. Don't ever talk to me about your dumb, boy shows. Now, if you don't mind we–"  
"Nope. I don't mind."  
"That's good, because we–"   
"But I'm going to be wondering about this all night." Ryoga observed.  
"Uh . . . okay, that's fair, just don't say anything out loud . . ."  
"I promise." Ryoga said.  
"Promise you will, or you promise you wont?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  
"Let's leave it open." Ryoga said. Nabiki slapped her forehead.  
"Lets just go manipulte Harume." She said at last.  
  
However Kotaro Harume had company manipulating him already.  
"Don't you see? Ryoga is my life, my love, my soul!" Akari said, sitting in the dojo with the old man. "And if I don't marry him, and bare him a son, I will be forced by the gods themelves to eat my giant pig–eh . . . my giant frog." She pointed to Katsunishiki, who was dressed in a frog costume.  
A really, really big frog costume.  
"As delicious as frog legs are, I can see your plight young lady." Harume nodded. "However, if my daughter does not marry Ryoga Hibiki, who will she marry?"  
"The boy, Ranma Saotome is available, and also much sought after by the women of this town."  
"Oh no you don't!" Ranma shouted from the other room. "I don't need another one!"  
"Wow! That's neat, I wonder how he did that!" Harume said.  
"Does it matter?" Akari scowled. "I have a proposition for you. Allow me to spend one night in Ryoga's bed, that at least I might bare his son so I wont have to eat my pig–er frog?"  
"Yes . . . I mean NO! That's got 'Talk Show' written all over it!  
  
****  
"Welcome back to our show, today's topic: I wont share my man or his seed, so step the (beep) off, you (beep), has risen quite a comotion. We've heard the stories of Tenchi, Gene Starwind, and Tuxedo Mask, three men who for one reason or another are just too (beep)ing sexy." The hostess said. "Now we introduce our next guest, Ryoga Hibiki." The crowd goes wild . . . nothing happens.  
"We introduce, Ryoga Hibiki!" The hostess shouts again.  
Nothing happens.  
"Security? Where is our next guest?" The hostess listens to her earpiece. "Why is he in a closet? Oh forget it, I don't care, just bring him to me, we're rolling!"  
Two really large men drag Ryoga out and throw him on stage. "Thanks!" Ryoga shouts.  
"Now Ryoga, according to this here you have a wife, Yoshimi, and a mistress, Akari? Yoshimi is pregnant, Akari has already had a child. Oh, and she's pregnant with another?"  
"Yes. I also have a mistress named Nabiki, but she hasn't gotten pregnant yet." Ryoga said. "She uses 'The Pill' to avoid responsibility, or so she says, I think she's cheating on me because her six room mates are all guys, and they've only got one bed."  
"Right . . . well, we've got a surprise for you Ryoga!"  
"Really? Is it a puppy?!"  
"Uh . . . no . . . we have Akari and Yoshimi back stage!"  
"Oh. Well that isnt a surprise, I knew they were back there, there's only one lounge room back stage."  
"Uh . . . okay . . ."  
****  
  
Harume chuckled to himself, what a funny thing he was thinking. Then he blinked and when he opened his eyes Ryoga was sitting in front of him. "Oh! Hello son!"  
"Please don't ever call me that!" Ryoga said.  
"Master Harume," Nabiki said, "I come to you with a proposition."  
"Great, I love it when women call me 'master'." He chuckled.  
"Uh . . . okay. Well anyway, if you cancel Yoshimi's marriage to Ryoga, I will give you . . . a . . ." she paused so dramatically that Harume could have swore he heard a drum roll. "Cookie!" she waved her hand and for the strangest reason her logic suddenly made perfect sense!  
"Chocolate Chip or Oatmeal Raisin?" Harume demanded.  
"It doesn't matter!" Nabiki waved her hand again.  
"You're right! Done deal! No husband for Yoshimi, she can die alone!" Harume gobbled down the cookie, he could have swore he tasted cheddar powder and onions.  
"What the heck?" Akari cried. "No! No you cant do that!"  
"You've just realized that you're in love with . . . lets see . . . Kinnosuke!" Nabiki waved her hand towards Akari.  
"I love Kinnosuke!" Akari whined. "My loins burn with desire for him, my body trembles and my legs go weak at the mere mention of his name! My heart throbs in my chest and--"  
"Don't overdo it." Nabiki laughed.  
Harume scratched his head. "Why did she change her mind like that? Now she has to eat her frog!"  
"For Kinnosuke, I will eat my Katsunishiki!" Akari cried. The frog's eyes went wide!  
"No, that wont be necessary." Nabiki said.  
"That wont be necessary . . ." Akari nodded.  
"So long as you realize you love Kinnosuke, the love gods are appeased. But if you are ever disloyal to him, you must eat Katsunishiki."  
"I love Kinnosuke . . ." Akari droned.  
"Go to him . . ." Nabiki said with a wave of her hand.  
"But I don't know who he is . . ." Akari said, she spoke like she was in a trance.  
"Let fate guide you . . ." Nabiki said, sounding a little irritated.  
"Guide me fate!" Akari cried, running out of the dojo.  
Harume blinked. "Wow!" He said. "I don't know what you just did to her, but whatever it is you're going to have to teach me for my next party!"  
"Your first lesson is fourteen thousand yen."  
"Fourteen thousand!" Harume cried. "That cheap? What's the catch?"  
"Uh . . . the catch is that you pay up front. No checks." Nabiki Tendo said.  
"Very well!" Harume supplied cash.  
"Well . . . your first and only lesson . . . my power is not something that can be taught."  
"That's a rip off!"  
"No it isnt." Nabiki waved her hand.  
"It isnt . . ." Harume nodded.  
"Nabiki, that wasn't fair, give him his money back!" Ryoga said sternly.  
"But I don't want to . . ." Nabiki frowned.  
"Ask yourself Nabiki . . . is that how you want to make money?"  
"Well yeah." Nabiki shrugged. She frowned and glared at Harume. "But since you're like my boyfriend or something I guess I can let you have your way some of the time, you jerk!" She gave his money back, and the old man just scratched his head in confusion. She turned to Ryoga. "You better make that up to me." She warned.  
"Relax, I know just how do to it." Ryoga shrugged.  
"Really?" Nabiki almost purred, Harume's interest was sparked.  
"Yeah . . . we can go make fun of Ranma!"  
"But . . . but that's something I only enjoy if I'm in the mood for it! I'm in the mood for the *other* Great American pass time!" Nabiki complained.  
"You're not American." Ryoga noted.  
They left and Harume frowned.  
She'd scrambled his head! He couldn't think of what would happen next!  
  
"Well . . ." Kasumi said after mister Harume had told her the whole story, "it is very simple, you see . . . "  
  
****  
"Lets bring out the mistress, Akari!" The hostess (who now looked like Kasumi) said.  
Out came Akari. She held in her arms, a miniature version of Ryoga, fangs and all.  
"So, tell us your story, young lady!" Kasumi-Hostess said.  
"Well I just wanted to bare his son! Because I'm that sort of freak. I wanted to detract from the happiness he might have had with Nabiki Tendo, and always traveled around with a giant sumo-pig that left pig-pies in the lawn that could–and on one occasion, did–choke a donkey!" Akari said.  
"Right." Kasumi-hostess said. "How do you feel about Yoshimi?"  
"That woman had best not touch my man!"  
"I love being treated like an inanimate object." Ryoga said sarcastically.  
"You realize that she is his wife, whereas you are just some coot that bore him a son." Kasumi-Hostess noted.  
"What's your point?" Akari demanded.  
"I don't have one. Well, lets take a commercial break, and then bring out Yoshimi!" Kasumi-hostess said. The cameras cut, she rushed over to Ryoga, got on his lap and started kissing him over and over again and trying to rip his shirt off. He looked surprised but didn't really argue much.  
****  
  
"Where did that come from?" Harume blinked.  
"I . . . don't know!" Kasumi admitted.  
"You're bad at this! I'm going to go ask some one else!" Harume scoffed.  
  
Meanwhile Nabiki and Ryoga were trying to get through a game of cards without having sex.  
Well, at least Nabiki was trying to get through the game without having sex. Ryoga didn't seem to have a problem.  
"Do you have any eights?" Nabiki said, waving her hand.  
"No. You know you don't need to use that on me." Ryoga said. "I'm not going to cheat. Any threes?"  
"No." Nabiki said, moving her three behind her five just in case he got a glimpse of her hand. "Anyway I have to use it, just in case."  
"Oh?" Cologne asked.  
"You just come out of the wood work, don't you?" Nabiki snarled at the old lady. Her sex life, or lack thereof was making her grumpy.  
"I have been observing you. You seem to have some sort of power . . ." Cologne said. "It intrigues me, I want to know more."  
"You will go away." Nabiki waved her hand.  
"Aha! Mind tricks only work on the weak minded." Cologne chuckled. "But I know enough about your skill to perform my research, thank you." She hobbled away.  
"You're a cow!" Nabiki waved her hand.  
"Moo." Cologne chuckled. Nabiki wasn't sure if the old lady had truely fallen under her spell, or just humored her.  
"That's it! I've had it! We're doing it right now!" Nabiki announced.  
"Hmm?" Ryoga looked up from the "pond" "You cant rush this sort of thing. I have to find the right card . . . the perfect card . . ." he grumbled.  
"Forget your cards!" Nabiki cried, Ryoga put up a finger.  
"Shh! I have it!" He drew. "Aww! An eight? Curses!"  
"Got any eights?" Nabiki asked lamely.  
"How'd you know?" Ryoga frowned, giving her the eight.  
  
"I can see your problem." Ranma told Harume simply. "Kasumi got it all wrong. It'd go more like this . . ."  
  
****  
The commercial break ended, and the hostess–who now looked like Ranko–peeled herself off of Ryoga as an enraged Yoshimi came onto the set with a paper bag over her head and a voice disguising thingy.  
"You (beep)ing skank! Get off my (beep)ing husband!"  
"Miss, I have no idea what you're talking about!" Ranko-Hostess said, buttoning her shirt up. "And please do not swear so much, that is a different show."  
"My (beep)ing (beep) it is!" Akari cried. "You cant just be (beep)ing with our man like that!"  
"Our man? You shut your skanky noise hole you (beep)!" Yoshimi screamed at Akari.  
"You shut yours! You're a just a rich (beep) who (beep)ed her way though life, Ryoga doesn't (beep)ing need you, you (beep)ing (beep)!" Akari cried.  
"Step off (beep)!" Yoshimi cried.  
"Why don't you (beep)ing make me you (beep)ing commoner?" Yoshimi cried.  
Yoshimi grabbed a chair and whacked Akari with it.  
Akari grabbed her kid and whacked Yoshimi with it.  
The crowd started chanting, "Ran-ko! Ran-ko! Ran-ko! Ran-ko!"  
Ranko-Hostess pressed a button and a dozen show girls came on stage and started dancing. An elephant came out next and stood on it's hind legs while a monkey conducted a flea circus, and the crowd cheered and chanted "RAN-KO! RAN-KO! RAN-KO! RAN-KO!"  
****  
  
"Uh . . . why would that happen?" Harume asked.  
"Ran-ko . . . Ran-ko . . . Ran-ko . . . huh? Oh . . . I don't know, I guess I got carried away there." Ranma admitted.  
"You are such an amateur!" Akane cried. "It's so stupid your way! The hostess having sex with Ryoga, Yoshimi and Akari fighting and swearing, that's just dumb!"  
"The hostess kissing Ryoga was Kasumi's doing. You think you can do better?" Harume was really confused now.  
"Yeah, I do!" Akane said. "Ranma is just pulling your leg, even he's smart enough to know it'd go like this . . ."  
  
****  
In the blink of an eye the crowd settled down, the elephant, monkey and show girls were escorted back stage where they would have an after-show-party that Akane-hostess would join later.  
She smiled at her crowd, the crowd smiled back, Yoshimi (Now her face was blurred to protect her identity) and Akari suddenly stopped fighting and sat down together and talked their differences out like civilized people, and Akane's co-host, a lioness with a microphone attached to her head, answered questions from the audience–  
****  
  
"That one is just stupid!" Harume cried.  
"A lion?" Ranma blinked.  
"It wasn't stupid!" Akane pouted.  
"Amateur." Lo-Chun sighed. "THIS is how it would go . . ."  
  
****  
Yoshimi (who now looked like the grim reaper) and Akari suddenly started fighting again, this time they used burning sticks.  
The lion leapt into the crowd and started killing people.  
The show girls used the cameras to broadcast their foxy mud-pit wrestling, effectively taking the show off the air.  
And the ceiling exploded and Mercedes and Kasumi came down in a helicopter, Ryoga and Lo-Chun-Hostess jumped on and after dropping bombs in the studio the chopper lifted off and Kasumi pressed the detonation button, causing a blast so powerful that Akari and Yoshimi and even the fantasy ceased to exist.  
****  
  
"And they lived happily ever after." Lo-Chun smiled.  
"Aww, you ruined it." Ranma frowned.  
"Why would my lion attack the audience? She's trained, I raised her from a cub!" Akane pouted.  
"Why did Kasumi have to show up in a helicopter with bombs?" Harume questioned.  
Lo-Chun was silent for a moment. Then she said, "You know what? You all lack vision! You lack depth, you're all a bunch of fools and–MY COOKIES ARE BURNING!" Lo-Chun ran off to tend to her cookies.  
"Poor girl." Ranma frowned.  
"If she only had a brain . . ." Akane sighed.  
"What the heck is 'depth'?" Harume asked.  
  
Ryoga watched Nabiki closely. He was a little confused. He wanted her, he really wanted her. She was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen, but their parents were home, he didn't want to screw everything up.  
He was also a little nervous. She'd just been lying the first time, but what if she really got pregnant?  
After all, Ryoga had this strange suspicion that mother nature didn't introduce mankind to sex just so they could relieve stress and feel really good, there was a catch, it was designed to continue the species.  
That if felt so good had resulted in mankind overrunning the world and slowly killing mother nature.  
Ryoga decided she must be feeling pretty stupid by now.  
Of course all that had nothing to do with his current situation. Nabiki was just an arm's length away from him, still that was too far. He wanted her *in* his arms, he wanted to hold her close.  
Of course, he'd probably just end up hurting her again, like their first night, granted it had been unavoidable.  
"Curse it!" He growled to himself.  
"Curse what?" Nabiki yawned.  
"Nothing, thinking out loud I guess."  
Nabiki nodded. Ryoga sighed. He watched her, and decided he should probably leave before he got too . . . affectionate.  
"Ryoga . . ."  
"Hmm?"  
"I'm tired . . . would you like to just spend the night in here?"  
'She's psychic!' Ryoga thought. "I shouldn't." He said casually.  
"That's true . . . but would you like to?" She asked mischievously.  
"More than anything else." Ryoga said weakly.  
Nabiki smiled at him. "So?" she asked.  
Ryoga smiled weakly, and leaned forward, kissing her, Nabiki leaned forward too, pushing Ryoga onto his back, he stopped her, keeping straight up, he looked into her eyes. "Nabiki . . ." he whispered.  
"Mm?"  
"People will hear us."  
"That can't be helped." Nabiki said simply.  
Ryoga held her close. "Maybe we should wait . . ."  
"We've waited long enough."  
"I mean until everyone else is asleep."  
"If you think that will work." Nabiki shrugged.  
"Are you sure you're up to it?"  
Nabiki gave him a look that would kill a normal man. "Excuse me?"  
"Well I mean . . . y'know . . ."  
"No I don't. What do you mean, Ryoga?" Nabiki demanded.  
Ryoga gulped. "Well I eh . . . didn't it hurt last time?"  
"Aha! I knew that was why you weren't putting out!" Nabiki cried triumphantly.  
"It was not!" Ryoga said defensively. "Anyway, didn't it?"  
"A bit." Nabiki admitted. "Well . . . quite a bit. But I still want to do it."  
"Aren't you worried I'll think you're easy?" Ryoga asked.  
"Everyone thinks I'm easy. You know better."  
Ryoga shrugged. "You waited seventeen years to get laid . . . why me?"  
"What do you mean?" She asked.  
"Why'd you decide you wanted to sleep with me your first time?"  
"Y'know virginity isnt some precious treasure okay? Guy's try to loose it as quickly as possible, why should a girl be any different besides the fact that we've got class? A girl's first time isnt so magical and majestic and special as people seem to believe. Before you I'd just never found a guy I wanted bad enough before, sex always seemed like an unnecessary distraction, something people who weren't busy with plans of world conquest might mess around with. Then I met you . . ." Ryoga noticed Nabiki trail off as if she were thinking of something else, then she started playing with one of her cards. She coughed into her fist and continued, "I was already plenty distracted by you . . . because I really liked you, I realized I wanted you so what the heck? I slept with you. Not a big deal, y'know?"  
Ryoga gulped. "It was to me." He said.  
She blushed. "We're together okay? We just did what people who are together do. Now we're engaged, we should be doing it even more often."  
Ryoga shook his head slowly, "I hurt you, I don't want to do it again."  
"You're such a sweetie when you're being stupid. Don't worry about hurting me, because it's simple; you wont." Nabiki said softly. "It only hurts the first time."  
"How do you know?"  
"Don't tell me you think all my friends are virgins." Nabiki grinned.  
"You talk about that sort of thing?"  
"Oh yeah." Nabiki nodded. "Incidentally I've considered renting you out to Aki so I can fool around with Kai."  
"I don't even know who they are, already I hate the idea." Ryoga scoffed.  
"I'm just kidding." Nabiki smiled. "So . . . we cool?" She asked.  
"You going to fake pregnancy again?" Ryoga scoffed again.  
"You can believe, honey, if I say I'm pregnant this time around, I mean it." Nabiki said simply. "So can we? Please?" She pleaded.  
"Just one question . . ." Ryoga said softly.  
"Ask your question, and if I have the answer we'll trade." Nabiki said.  
"Did you really watch porn with Kasumi?" He knew the answer might well give him a bloody nose, but still he had to ask.  
"Yes."  
Ryoga forced the surprisingly boring image out of his mind before it became less boring like the last time. "Learn anything?" He tried to ask casually.  
"Loads." She said simply.  
"I was afraid of that." he grinned.  
Nabiki grinned wickedly. "What's wrong? Don't you like learning new things, Ryoga-baby?"  
"Oh sure . . . I guess . . ."  
"Ever hear of 69?"  
"Sixty nine what?" Ryoga blinked.  
Nabiki laughed sinisterly. "Let me show you." She purred.  
"What if someone finds us?" Ryoga asked.  
"I use my powers to make them forget they've seen anything." Nabiki said simply.   
Ryoga had to admit, that was a good plan. He looked at the attractive young woman, and surrendered to her will.  
  
Kasumi frowned. "You know, I have the strangest urge to go visit Nabiki." She said.  
"Nonsense." Lotion said, passing the older woman a marshmallow. They had finally set up a well controlled bonfire in the dojo, Lotion's insistent whining had persuaded Soun, who had nothing better to do. "Make silence now! Continue the story grandpa."  
"I'm not grandpa!" Soun cried. "Anyway it's said her soul still haunts that marsh and she decapitates any young lovers she finds–"  
"If she was stabbed through the heart why does she decapitate people?" Lotion demanded. Kasumi had the strangest feeling that she'd heard this story by a camp fire before.  
"I really do think some one should check on Nabiki . . . or Ryoga." Kasumi said.  
"No point, they're engaged. They'll just do what fiancees do. What I wish Ranma and Akane would do."  
"For that matter, why isnt anyone watching Ranma and Akane?"  
"There really *is* no point to that one." Soun scowled.  
"One never knows!" Kasumi cried.  
Soun sighed. "Kasumi, you need to get laid."  
"Father!" Kasumi cried.  
"What? It's true. What ever happened to Dr. Tofu?"  
"I'm not sure . . ." Kasumi admitted. "I haven't seen him."  
"What a shame." Soun sighed.  
Ryoga moved his hand over Nabiki's thigh, his lips on her neck, he felt her chest rise and fall as she breathed, she trembled slightly, he felt like his own heart had made plans to escape his chest and now it was making it's attempt.  
He moved his face close to hers, looking into her half closed eyes, he wanted to just look into her seductive eyes forever, she was so perfect. He kissed her on the lips, she forced her tongue into his mouth, he didn't fight back but he still wasn't used to that sort of thing.  
She spread her legs painfully slowly, Ryoga wondered if she'd forgotten which one of them had begged for this, now she was torturing him? Or was this supposed to be some sort of payback for not sleeping with her all this time?  
He decided he'd help her part her legs, and so he fell into her trap. Nabiki shoved him downward, and wrapped her legs around his neck. "Go on then!" She whispered eagerly.  
"Go on and what?" Ryoga blinked.  
"You know what I want."  
"I really don't." Ryoga whispered.  
"Lick me you idiot!" Nabiki whispered back sharply.  
Ryoga looked up at her in confusion, she sighed. "C'mon baby, no one's *that* innocent, you must know what I mean!" Nabiki pleaded.  
Ryoga was enjoying this. He didn't know what she meant, but he had a general idea. He looked at his target, her . . . well he wasn't sure what to call it, the text books hadn't really described this, and those pages with illustrations were always mysteriously covered in blood.   
Nabiki's room was dimly lit, still Ryoga was confident that he could see every detail.  
'Wow!' he thought. 'Seeing detail in low light? Either I'm an elf, or I'm a pervert . . . hmm . . . I must be a pervert! That's not good. Good thing we're getting married.' He decided. He moved close to her . . . y'know, and closed his eyes, sticking his tongue out, he slowly moved it over her opening, he heard her sharp intake of breath, he grinned wickedly.  
Now he was in control, at least in a way, he could stop at any time, make her suffer! He tasted her warm flesh, put his lips to these lips he hadnt kissed before, on a girl he'd kissed rather often. She began to moan, he looked up at her, she covered her mouth with both hands and giggled, he shook his head.  
"You're supposed to be quiet." He mock scolded the older girl.  
"Sorry, I just thought I'd give you some encouragement."  
"We'll be plenty encouraged when your father comes in here and breaks my neck." Ryoga said.  
"Okay. I'll be quieter, I promise." Nabiki said, for the strangest reason, he didnt believe her. He crawled up to looked at her face to face, she gave him a look that could kill. "Get back down there servant!" She scoffed.  
"No, I think we'll just get this over with the old fashioned way." Ryoga said.  
Nabiki was blushing, though it was hard to tell in the dim light, he was certain she was blushing. He moved close and pressed his lips to hers, she kissed back, he could tell she was about to french him.  
Ryoga decided to beat her to the punch, moving his tongue into her mouth before she could force hers into his.  
She squirmed and seperated from him. She shook her head. "Okay, okay, that's no fun."  
"You're kidding! I finally realize why you keep doing it!" Ryoga lied.  
"Don't tease me you jerk," she warned, "or I'll close me legs and scream rape."  
"Who'd believe—never mind." Ryoga grinned, knowing that regardless of the circumstances the only person who wouldn't kill him if they were caught would be Akane, and that'd be because she'd be asking them how it was, the fate worse than death.  
He kissed her again, and moved his hand over her breast, his thumb in turn going over her hard nipple, she moaned softly, he decided there was no shutting this girl up, she was trying to get him killed, so he spread her legs a little wider instead. He'd just have to finish her off quickly.  
He eased his hardened member into her body, he kissed her to silence any moans, it didnt work quite the way he'd planned.  
She kissed back, breaking away every now and then, gasping, he began to thrust into her, she was warm, and tight and wet, just like last time. He moved up and down inside her, she wrapped her arms and legs tightly around him, he groaned and felt as if nothing could possibly be better than this.  
She arched her back, and cried out, Ryoga's heart stopped, her tunnel contracted, squeezing him tight, she almost screamed when she climaxed, her warm nectar flowed out of her and onto him, he moved more rapidly, giving up on trying to silence her with kisses since he suspected it was all futile now.  
But who wants to live forever? If her father, or his mother barged in now he'd die a happy man.  
He kept thrusting until he found a rhythm, Nabiki seemed done for a moment, then she decided to match his rhythm, she was still moaning.  
Her moans were really cute, Ryoga was fairly sure a guy shouldn't be thinking that about his girlfriend's moans. The sort of guys that did had serious problems. But then here he was, nearly seventeen having no sense of direction to speak of, involved with a woman who got her kicks blackmailing her closest friends and relatives, being a pervert was nothing compared to this.  
He closed his eyes tight and felt his own climax coming, but this time he pulled away from her surprisingly tight grasp, and let his seed spill onto her stomach, and chest. His arms were weak, he collapsed onto her, she grunted and pushed him off. Then she lied down on top of him. "Why'd you pull out?" She whispered.  
"One tends to do that when he's trying to avoid impregnating his girlfriend." Ryoga sighed.  
"Yeah, I guess." Nabiki scoffed. "Feels half done. It's no good, we're going to have to start over again."  
"You're going to kill me." Ryoga scoffed.  
"If you can survive being hit with giant boulders, and being hit with Ukyo's spatula, a second go in the sack should be nothing." Nabiki grinned.  
"How about tomorrow morning?" He asked.  
"Hah! I know it'll be weeks before you do me again." Nabiki scoffed.  
"Hmm . . . you're right . . . well . . . oh well. G'night." Ryoga yawned, and closed his eyes. Nabiki held him close–due to the size of the bed, they had little other choice–and kissed him lightly on the lips.  
"Umm . . . Ryoga?"  
"Hmm?"  
"I love you." Nabiki cooed.  
"I love you too." Ryoga said. She held him tighter, he added, "I'm still not going a second time."  
"Damn it!" she laughed.  
  
The next morning . . .  
Everyone was sitting at the breakfast table, Nabiki was laying on it.  
"Good morning everyone!" Soun said cheerfully as he came out of the washroom–without Nodoka–and got mauled by Panda-Genma anyway.  
Kasumi smiled weakly at her father. "Well father, I've made your favorite breakfast!" She said, offering him his seat.  
"Th-thank you Kasumi." Soun took the offered seat. "I don't suppose you could sew my ear lobe back on after breakfast, could you?"  
"I can try." Kasumi frowned.  
Harume scratched his chin. "You know," he said, "I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I agreed to cancel Yoshimi's engagement to Ryoga for a cookie."  
"That is a strange dream." Ryoga' mother said coldly. "Certainly it has no factual base?"  
"Well as a matter of fact, it does." Nabiki yawned.  
"Yes, he agreed and we gave him a cookie. It's all legal." Ryoga said. He seemed tired too, but Nabiki was a wreck compared to him.   
Kasumi sighed. "A cookie?"  
"Well . . . we didn't sign a contract, I'm sorry, it wasn't official." Harume said.  
"Yes it is!" Nabiki waved her hand to no avail.  
"Uh . . . no, no it isnt." Harume frowned.  
"What?" Nabiki frowned too. She waved her hand again. "You don't need a contract!"  
"I don't need a contract, because I was just lying to get the cookie." Harume shrugged. "It was delicious too."  
"You will make your daughter marry Ranma!" Nabiki tried.  
"Hey!" Ranma protested.  
"No, I'm not interested in this Ranma." Harume frowned.  
Nabiki waved her hand over and over, she snapped her fingers. Kasumi scratched her head. "Do you feel okay Nabiki?"  
"Yeah, I'm fine!" Nabiki said, standing up now waving her hands around.  
"Give up, it wont work." Cologne said, sipping a cup of tea.  
"What? What're you talking about?" Nabiki demanded.  
"I've gone through the ancient texts and identified your special power." Cologne said simply. "It wont work now."  
"What did you do to me?" Nabiki demanded.  
"I didn't do anything." Cologne shrugged. "You see your mind control powers work on the weak minded when you are . . . for lack of a better term, pent up like a bull with mad cow disease."  
"Uh . . . what?" Nabiki blinked.  
"Your powers are fueled off of your sexual frustration, it's a power that we've seen common among our elders, it doesn't usually manifest in youths, especially young beauties like Nabiki . . ."  
"Ryoga obviously isnt doing his job." Ranma chuckled.  
"So since she just woke up, and she's not uh . . . in that mood yet, her power doesn't work?" Kasumi asked.  
"No, it's not a matter of mood–"  
"But you just said–"  
"She might be in the mood, but if she's had sex recently she wont have enough pent up frustration to make her powers work. In other words: Ryoga *did* do his job."  
There was silence at the table for a moment. Then everyone was looking or glaring at Ryoga. In the case of the adults, it was mostly glaring. Kasumi alone simply looked with disappointed disapproval.  
"Gee . . . that's really fascinating . . . amazonian mythology, great stuff huh?" Ryoga chuckled nervously.  
"Anything you want to tell us, son?" Ryoga's mother asked, her eye was twitching.  
"Hey just a minute here, I've been frustrated plenty of times before ever getting together with Ryoga, and I didn't have any silly powers!"  
"Right, well you cant know true frustration until you've had sex." Cologne shrugged.  
Nabiki blinked. "Was that an insult? It was, wasn't it? I'm not sure how, but you meant that to be an insult!"  
"Yes, well you are rather sharp." Cologne said, "You'll figure it out eventually."  
"I always thought it was the other way around." Ranma noted. "Guys who don't get to have sex the first time get more and more frustrated."  
"No, you cant experience withdrawals from something you've never experienced." Cologne explained.  
"But I could have sworn I've controlled people's minds before I got together with Ryoga!" Nabiki protested.  
"Your powers, before becoming true power, could control the incredibly weak minded, you had power over idiots without even knowing it."  
Everyone in the room–except those who didnt know him–bowed their heads and sighed at the same time, "Kuno"  
"And Ranma." Akane added.  
Nabiki started laughing. "This is ridiculous! I'm not even an Amazon, why would I have Amazon powers? You're trying to get us into trouble."  
"While it's true I could have waited until I had you alone to tell you this, and spare you the trouble, this was not a stunt to get you into trouble, this is no fantasy, it is true. Of course there have been cases of people having powers outside of amazon tribes, there is for example the charismatic Liu Bei, emperor of the ancient Shu-Han dynasty. He was fat, had long ears, eyes like a frog and feet so large he could see them without looking down. His power was to appear handsome, his power, like yours was driven by sexual frustration, he had to be pent up really bad to seem handsome . . . his wives would always wake up to a nasty surprise after their wedding nights . . . one threw herself into a shallow river and drowned."  
"Uh . . . okay . . . but he's still Chinese, I'm not." Nabiki said.  
"It works if your soul is the same as that of a hero of ancient china . . . in your case I'd say the goddess of temptations, Diao Chan."  
"Great, I'm the fictional whore who turns two war lords against each other by having sex with both and claiming to each that the other is raping her?!"  
"It fits." Ryoga's mother noted.  
"I hate to admit . . ." Soun grumbled.  
"If Diao Chan was fictional, how could Nabiki have her soul?" Akane asked.  
"A soul isnt confined to true and false, real and unreal, not to mention the fact that historians only *believe* Diao Chan was fictional, there are some who think–"  
Ryoga's father shook his head. "This is all fascinating but if what you say is true–"  
"It is."  
"Right, well that means these two have had sex?"  
"Caught on to that one did you?" Cologne sighed.  
"I'm very clever." Ryoga's father said proudly. He turned to Ryoga and Nabiki. "But you two . . . there are some things you need to explain . . ."  
"We're really sorry? We'll never do it again? We're adults and you don't have any control over us?" Ryoga offered.  
"Forget that!" Ryoga's father cried. "How was it?"  
"WHAT!?" Everyone shouted.  
Ryoga's father shrugged. "What?"  
"You're encouraging them!" Ryoga's mother scowled.  
"Well . . . they're going to do it anyway, we might as well know if they're any good at it." Soun said.  
"Men!" Ryoga's mother cried.   
There was silence for a while, finally Nabiki decided to answer the question. "Well, It was okay, I liked it," she said, "but I think we need more practice."  
"And since I've had sex with Nabiki, I couldn't marry Yoshimi even if I wanted to, since my body is no longer pure . . ." Ryoga said.  
"You two have had sex before too!" Kasumi protested.  
"Yeah!" Akane said. "All the more reason he cant marry Yoshimi!"  
"Oh that's okay, Yoshimi isnt pure either." Harume chuckled. "She thinks I don't read my phone bills, she thinks I don't know who 'Dominique' is, but I know, oh boy howdy do I know!"  
"Uh . . . you're talking about your bills sir." The ninja piped up.  
"I am?" Harume frowned and scratched his chin. "Oh yeah!" He said. "I remember now . . ."  
"Uh, well anyway . . ."  
"Ryoga, you're going to at least meet Yoshimi. She's older now, more mature." Ryoga's mother said.  
"Oh I wouldn't say tha–" Harume began then wisely stopped himself.  
Nabiki frowned. "Ryoga will meet her, that was part of the bargain. But he doesn't have to marry her if he doesn't want to."  
"Yes, that was our agreement." Ryoga's mother nodded.  
"Good, then it's settled." Nabiki said simply.  
"Yeah, that is . . ." Ranma said. "But you still haven't told us any details about last night."  
"I don't know what you're talking about, Ranma." Ryoga shrugged.  
"What do you mean? Of course you do! You, her, bed, wrong doing, details!" Ryoga's father cried.  
"Uh . . . well we only did half of it in bed–" Nabiki admitted.  
"That's enough!" Ryoga's mother cried, "Remember young lady, we have shopping to do."  
"Oh . . . yeah . . . right." Nabiki sighed. She quickly got ready and followed Ryoga's mother out the door.  
"One thing," Ryoga's mother said when they were outside, "it's all well and good that you've got these super powers, but I warn you, if I find you've been using them to persuade Ryoga to care for you instead of Yoshimi, I will destroy you."  
"Destroy me?"Nabiki blinked.  
"Yes. I like 'destroy' because it is somewhat vauge, I could mean that I'll kill you, I could mean that I'll ruin your life, I might even mean both, it leaves you guessing."  
"I'd have to try that some time." Nabiki noted to herself and hailed a cab.  
Of course none stopped. Nabiki and Mrs. Hibiki kept trying until they saw Kuno walking along the other side of the street, Nabiki cleverly called him over, then called a cab, ten car accidents, this time two cabs survived, Nabiki wanted to ride in the yellow one, but Ryoga's mother insisted on the green one with the air freshener inside.  
Unfortunately, too late they learned it was 'vanilla' scented.  
  
Ryoga and Ranma were sparing in the dojo, Soun, Mr. Hibiki, and Genma were off doing . . . well, no one knew what they were doing, Kasumi and the amazon were cooking, and Harume was talking on the phone.  
"But daddy, you should have told me that Ryoga was in Narnia!"  
"He's where?" Harume frowned. "Yoshi-chan, he isnt in 'Narnia' he's in Nerima. We want you to come here and meet with him, he misses you terribly."  
"Is that where you flew off to in such a hurry?" Yoshimi asked.  
"What?"  
"The day you left, I was trying to talk to you and you flew away, Daddy!" Yoshimi said.  
"Oh-ho . . . yeah, I uh . . . had to come here right away, there was no time to wait for you."  
"Really? Because I thought you were trying to avoid me again."  
Harume forced a laugh. "Honey, why would I do that?"  
"That's what I've been asking you ever since I learned my words!" Yoshimi cried.  
"Yeah sure, whatever, I have to go now, but you take the second chopper and get down here right away, Ryoga is waiting!"  
"But daddy I–" Harume hung up.  
"Well, my work is done." He said to himself. "Now all I have to do is go to Italy for the weekend." He turned to the ninja. "You take care of things here, here's a wireless phone, give me the play-by-play when Yoshimi gets here."  
"Uh . . . okay sir." The ninja said.  
With that Harume left in his helicopter. Actually he had to wait five minutes for the pilot and Nodoka to get their cloths back on, then he left in his helicopter.  
  
Meanwhile, at the mall . . .  
"You see? It's stunning."  
"I look like Kasumi!" Nabiki cried.  
"Don't be silly!" Mrs. Hibiki said, she got an apron, "Now you do!"  
"Very funny."  
"Well your sister doesn't look like a whore at all."  
"Yeah, isnt it funny how looks can be so deceiving?" Nabiki scoffed.  
"Are you calling your sister a whore?" Mrs. Hibiki blinked.  
"Caught that one, did you?" Nabiki chuckled. "No, seriously Kasumi is a nice girl . . . a little too nice . . ."  
"Indeed."  
"How about skirts?"  
"Skirts?" Mrs. Hibiki raised an eyebrow knowingly . . . if that's possible.  
"Well, you don't like the shorts I want."  
"I hate the skirt you want."  
"I haven't found one I want yet." Nabiki protested.  
"But I'll hate it." Mrs. Hibiki smiled. "I know what girls your age buy skirts for."  
"What? I look good in a skirt."  
"I was seventeen once too." Mrs, Hibiki said with a sly grin.  
"Yes, but things have changed in the last hundred years." Nabiki said innocently.  
Mrs. Hibiki paused. "Did you just take a swing at my age?"  
Nabiki grinned. "Caught that one, did you?"  
"Oh, I wouldn't be a smart ass if I were you–"  
"Of course not, if you were me I'd be you, and I'd use your body to be a smart ass. You cant stop me no matter who you are." Nabiki said simply.  
"You're impossible!" Mrs. Hibiki sighed.  
"Really? Because you seem to think I'm easy."  
"What's that supposed to . . . oh . . . nice one." Mrs. Hibiki admitted. "I guess I walked into that one."  
"I thought so too." Nabiki nodded.  
"God, I hate you."  
"I hate you too."  
"At least he isnt marrying that girl who turns into a boy." Mrs. Hibiki sighed.  
"Boy that turns into a girl actually, and they have been on a couple dates." Nabiki informed her. "Usually it was Ranma tricking Ryoga, you'd think he'd recognize Ranko but, what the can I say?"  
"He's a gullible fool." Mrs. Hibiki sighed.  
"Always found that attractive."  
"Tell me you're joking . . . oh wait, that's right, some one like you *would* be attracted to a guy who'll fall for anything."  
"Oh-ho. Well maybe it was his upbringing, or lack-there-of."  
"Uh-huh. You know I'm very glad that the bridal training involves martial arts training."  
"It does?" Nabiki gulped.  
"Oh, it does now."  
"You truely are a monster."  
"Yes, let the hate fill you, give in to your hatred!"  
"Are we talking about 'the force' now?"  
"Just buy something that doesn't make you look like you're hooking."  
"I'm trying but it isnt easy!"  
"Hello!" an attractive woman said.  
"Oh, hello!" Mrs. Hibiki said.  
"Can I help you?"  
"No! Go away, Tsubassa!" Nabiki cried.  
"Oh, but I'm such a good judge of clothing!"  
"We can tell, I love that sweater. Now beat it!" Nabiki cried.  
"Actually we do need your help." Mrs. Hibiki snickered. "My future daughter here looks like a whore–"  
"It's the shorts." Tsubassa said.  
"Look whose talking, that skirt is shorter than my shorts, if that's even possible!"  
"Well I said I was an expert on fashion–"  
"No you didn't." Nabiki scoffed.  
"Close enough, anyway revealing cloths are all the rage."  
"We have religion." Mrs. Hibiki said, Nabiki hoped she was lying.  
"Oh! Well in that case you'll want these!"  
"God no!" Nabiki moaned when Tsubassa showed her the cloths.  
"No, God says "yes" to this collection!" Tsubassa chuckled.  
"We'll take it all." Mrs. Hibiki said.  
"Oh no!" Nabiki gasped.  
"And she'll wear it home."  
"I don't know if you can do that . . . I don't actually work here though . . . she'd have to undress to put them on, right?" Tsubassa asked.  
"Yes."  
"You can use my dressing room."  
"I thought you didn't work here!"  
"Yeah, but believe me, it's *my* dressing room." He pointed to a dressing room . . . no, it was more of a shrine, with pictures of Ukyo, and candles and . . . well Nabiki was going to pretend that she didn't know what was in that long rectangular box.  
"Go on, dress up!"  
"Don't we have to pay for these first?" Nabiki stalled.  
"Try them on, see that they fit!" Tsubassa encouraged.  
"Right well . . . okay . . ."  
"No, I'll go in with you." Mrs. Hibiki said. "So you don't lie and say they don't fit."  
Nabiki sighed, Ryoga had better appreciate this. "I hate you." Nabiki reminded her future mother-in-law.  
"I know. I hate you too. I cant wait for you to get pregnant so I can start making my grand child like me more than you."  
Nabiki scowled. Then she smiled. "Hey! You called my your daughter!"  
"I did not." Mrs. Hibiki scoffed.  
"Yes you did, didn't she Tsubassa?"  
"Future daughter, yes." Tsubassa nodded.  
"Hah!" Nabiki clapped her hands. "Giving in to the inevitable are you?"  
"Oh har-de-har. Go ahead, laugh it up, but that martial arts training I spoke of, that's what we do next." Mrs. Hibiki said, and Nabiki stopped laughing so quickly you'd think a pet died.  
  
Ryoga was watching TV with everyone else, something was wrong though . . . he had a sense of impending doom . . .  
"Dinner is ready!" Akane cried.  
"Wow! It smells great!" Father said.  
"I cant wait!" Soun said.  
"Wonderful. Is there any caviar?" Harume asked.  
"Actually . . . yes." Akane smiled. "I cooked it myself!"  
Suddenly those who knew of the danger were no longer hungry.  
"No, I really couldn't eat a thing, have to starve yourself twenty four hours before surgery you know." Genma said.  
"Yeah, you can go with a diet Pop." Ranma chuckled.  
"Here Ranma!" Akane said enthusiastically. "Have some!"  
Ryoga was amazed, Akane's plate looked edible, it looked great even!  
"Kasumi walked me through it and corrected me when I used the wrong ingredients." Akane explained, because apparently everyone had noticed the beauty of the dish.  
"Well . . . okay . . ." Ranma said. He took a bite and then doubled over clutching his stomach.  
"Very funny!"  
"C-Call an ambulance!" Ranma groaned.  
"Well it looks great!" Father said.  
"Wonderful!" Harume agreed.  
"No! Dad! Don't!" Ryoga tried, it was too late.  
Father was lying on his side coughing, but Harume ate on.  
"This is magnificent! It tastes just like Bull Testicles, my favorite dish! And this . . . this tastes just like Baboon Brains, and this is sheep's stomach!"  
"Rice balls, meat loaf, shrimp!"Akane corrected Harume at each dish.  
"Wow . . . well rich food does taste pretty bad anyway." Soun whispered. "He must be immune to it."  
"Father, are you alright?" Ryoga asked.  
Father was groaning. "A . . . Avenge me . . . my son . . ." he groaned.  
"Uh . . . you'll survive dad!" Ryoga said.  
"I see . . . dead people . . ." Father moaned.  
"Is this . . . oh how did you know how to make Goat Eyes?" Harume said.  
"Meat balls!" Akane corrected.  
"Well, we'd better get them to bed."  
After a long night Ryoga managed to convince his father that he was not the legendary Naomasa Ie, and that he also was not Princess Shi Shi Hana Hana of the Poe Poe Go Doe Tribe.  
When he felt it was safe to leave the old man alone, he left the guest room–at the very edge of insanity–and made his way to the living room.  
"How are they?" Kasumi asked.  
"Well my dad seems to be coming down. Ranma is used to it, so he'll be okay too."  
"I really thought I had the ingredients this time." Akane frowned.  
"You had the ingredients, you had the measurements, you had the mixtures you baked and broiled them properly. But somehow they still . . . well . . . not everyone appreciated them." Kasumi said. She'd started off encouraging, then remembered not to be.  
"Oh yeah, Nabiki got back." Akane said. "She was really quiet about it too, like she didn't want you to know."  
"I don't blame her." Soun said. He turned to Ryoga. "You have to be strong for her, she needs you now."  
"Honestly father, so she looks like a minister's daughter, I do believe you're overreacting."  
"Where is she?" Ryoga asked.  
"With your mother, in the dojo."  
"I uh . . . guess I'll go see them." Ryoga said.  
"I'll take you." Kasumi said. Once they were out of ear shot of everyone else Kasumi stopped him. "A blonde woman walks into a bar and–"  
"What's this all about?"  
"I'm desensitizing you to humor. Believe me, you're going to have to have the sense of humor of a stone not to laugh at Nabiki's new outfit."  
"Uh . . . okay . . . go ahead."  
  
Mrs. Hibiki was sitting in the dojo with Nabiki. She was very pleased with herself.  
If Kasumi and a priest got married their child would wear those cloths.  
A checkered skirt that went to the bottom of her knees. It was so long it should not have even been called a skirt.  
A white dress shirt with pink buttons, a green and gold checkered vest, to match her blue and red checkered skirt/dress.  
To be extra cruel, Mrs. Hibiki had made Nabiki wear a black tie with monkeys on it.  
"You know . . ." Nabiki said coldly. "If anything . . . this only hurts your cause."  
"How so?" Mrs. Hibiki couldn't see how this would hurt her cause.  
"These cloths are so bad, that I'll be looking for any excuse to get out of them, Ryoga and I will be having a lot more sex. Why, we might not even have adequate money for any means of protection . . . grandma. Of course you could pay us a birth-conrol allowance."  
"I told you, I'm *waiting* for you to work up the gall to get pregnant so I can turn that kid against you." Mrs. Hibiki shot back. "Do you think I even bothered getting Ryoga birthday and Christmas presents? Of course not, I knew his grand mother would blow me out of the water. I just saved my money so I could do the same thing to my grand children. Of course the legitimate ones will belong to Ryoga and Yoshimi, but I'll still turn your bastard children against you."  
"First of all, you said 'children' suggesting Ryoga and I will be together long enough to have more than one, secondly you will not call my children–albeit unborn children–'bastards', is that understood, mom?"  
"You want to learn more martial arts?" Mrs. Hibiki narrowed her eyes.   
"No, I think the warm ups were enough for me, thank you." Nabiki admitted.  
Mrs. Hibiki sighed. She was getting used to this girl, but she still had her fingers crossed for Yoshimi.  
Just then there was a knock on the door. "Don't come in! I'm naked!" Nabiki cried.  
Suddenly there was the sound of Kasumi laughing. "With cloths like that, I'd go naked too!"  
"Jeez Kasumi, you too?" Nabiki scowled and went over to the door.  
"I couldn't help it!" Kasumi said.  
Ryoga looked at Nabiki. Mrs. Hibiki's heart stopped beating . . . could it be? Would he drop her and take Yoshimi?"  
"I don't get it . . . you look like a four year old who dressed herself and wants everyone to be proud of her . . . but . . . it's not so bad."  
Her heart stopped as her son nodded slowly. She'd failed! Ryoga was unstoppable, he'd marry this girl no matter what, it seemed!  
Then came a spark of hope.  
Ryoga's straight face broke and he almost started laughing, however he quickly saved himself and turned it into a smile instead. "You look so good, I think we should go out, right now, you and me."  
"Uh . . . Ryoga, I don't want to go out like this . . ." Nabiki mumbled.  
Mrs. Hibiki laughed. "No changing your cloths now!"  
"Uh . . . Kasumi, take Nabiki inside and help her change . . . mother, a word with you please."  
Nabiki left, Kasumi was trying not to laugh, Mrs. Hibiki had to admit the responses to Nabiki's outfit were greatly exaggerated, but that only helped her.  
Ryoga sat down where Nabiki had been a moment ago.  
Mrs. Hibiki watched her son as he took deep breaths in, and out, finally gave up and just laughed for a little while, then snapped into a serious mood, laughed some more, then became serious again.  
"Mother . . . that was very cruel."  
"What was?"  
"She took you with her seeking your approval, and you humiliate her?"  
"Really everyone is exaggerating, she looks funny, but not funny." Mrs. Hibiki said defensively.  
"I don't know what you just said." Ryoga said "Listen, mother, you have to tell me. Why don't you like her? Tell me, right now."  
"You really want to know?"  
"Yes." Ryoga said sternly. "I want to know why you hate her. Dad likes her, I like her, but you hate her."  
"That's not true. She's just . . . well . . . she's not good enough for you."  
"What?" Ryoga's eyes narrowed.  
"She's not good enough for you." Mrs. Hibiki repeated. She glared at her insubordinate son. "Yoshimi Harume is rich, you'll be taken care of! If you have children, don't you want to spend time with them? With the Harume fortune you'd never have to leave the house! Yoshimi is a beautiful, sweet girl, she loves you and–"  
"She doesn't love me, she doesn't even know me, and I don't know her, I don't want to know her, what I remember of her is enough!" Ryoga scowled.  
"Ryoga, if you marry Nabiki, you're going to end up never seeing her, she'll start cheating on you, you're going to notice your kids look like your best friends and neighbors, you'll have to move to America, and you'll live in a trailer park, she'll be drinking and smoking, and doing drugs just to forget how screwed up her life is, you'll be wandering around challenging dojos for a living! With Yoshimi, you don't have to earn a living, so you can live easily." Mrs. Hibiki frowned, and admitted, "in all honesty, I wouldn't be too keen on marrying a stranger either, not when I had someone I loved right next to me. But in life, we don't get those choices."  
"Like fun we don't." Ryoga scowled. "I said I'd meet Yoshimi, and I will. You can make it as formal as you want, I don't care. But I am going to marry Nabiki."  
"So you say." Mrs. Hibiki sighed.  
"Mother, ever since you've got here we've just told each other the same things over and over again. Let's just meet with Yoshimi, get it over with, and then I'll decide, okay?"  
"Okay." Mrs. Hibiki smiled.  
"Great." Ryoga smiled back weakly.  
"Yes, great. Because I had Harume call her, she should be here any moment. He's leaving for itally tonight, hurry and maybe you can tag along." Mrs. Hibiki said sarcastically.   
Ryoga's forced smile weakened and he quickly left the dojo. Mrs. Hibiki was left wondering why he was in such a hurry.  
  
Ryoga stayed up all night pacing back and forth, he couldn't sleep, he didn't dare.  
Nabiki–in her normal cloths–and Kasumi had tried to keep him company, but had fallen asleep a couple of hours ago. Even in her normal cloths Nabiki didnt want to go outside, too many people had seen her wear her new cloths home.  
He paced back and forth, back and forth, and finally he could pace no more. He was tired, he was sleepy, the door bell rang, he went over and answered the closet.  
The door bell rang again.  
He got it right this time and opened the door. He closed it right away. There were five pink ninjas, parked at the sidewalk was a long black stretch limousine.  
"I . . ." he decided, "cant do this."  
"I can help you." Lotion said calmly. "But it will cost you."  
"What do you want?"  
"I can get you out of here, but you must help me in my quest."  
"What is your quest, exactly?"  
"I am going to China, there is a tree there, a tree that in truth has done no wrong, however it represents all the childhood trauma I've suffered. I want to destroy it."  
"You need me for that?"  
"It would be nice to have a slave on the way, to carry my things." Lo-Chun said. "The alternative is those pink ninjas. They are truely annoying, with their bright pink colors, I had the strangest urge to kill the one Harume left here . . ."  
"Did you?"  
"Heh-heh . . . he wont be coming out anymore–I mean no! I'd never ever harm another living being! But I sort of need to leave the country now, and soon, so shall we?" The door bell rang again.  
"Done! Let's go!" Ryoga said frantically.  
Lotion smiled and led him out the back door . . . or rather the hole in the wall that would be acting as the back door. They left a note.  
Some time later Kasumi was woken up by the door bell ringing (with sixty five second increments), found the note and answered the door. There were five pink ninjas!  
"We are here for Ryoga."  
Kasumi yawned and shook her head. "Not here." She said. She showed them the note.  
"Well . . . we must be going, sorry to have troubled you.  
Kasumi nodded, waved, closed the door and went back to sleep.  
  
That afternoon Mrs. Hibiki sat in the dojo, waiting for Nabiki to return from school and begin her training again.  
The door opened, but it was not Nabiki who entered, it was Mr. Hibiki.  
"Good afternoon dear."  
"Right." Mr. Hibiki said. "Listen . . Yoshimi showed up this morning, I'm told. Ryoga is missing. You don't think she . . . dragged him off do you?"  
"No, Kasumi said she found a note explaining hat Ryoga had chosen this time to take a trip to China to destroy a child raping tree."  
"A what?"  
"I felt it was best not to ask." Mrs. Hibiki said honestly. "These people are rather odd."  
"And just think, they're going to be his in-laws." Mr. Hibiki chuckled.  
"Oh, those are slim odds. Once I'm done with Nabiki . . ."  
"You're just wasting time."  
"It's a lie!" Mrs. Hibiki cried.  
"Really? Well instead of dressing her like a moron, maybe you should get to know her?"  
"Why does everyone want me to get to know her?"  
"Because, like it or not she's the one Ryoga cares about, not Yoshimi." Mr. Hibiki said calmly. "And after wearing that junk you made her buy, she deserves a fair chance with this bridal training. Since when have the brides of either side of our families required lessons in how to take a hit?"  
"Maybe Ryoga will beat her." Mrs. Hibiki offered.  
"She's more likely to beat him." Mr. Hibiki shook his head. "You know it."  
"She wasn't hurt."  
"Only because you tripped in the middle of your fatality attack." Mr. Hibiki said sternly.  
"Yes, I'm a little rusty . . ." Mrs. Hibiki sighed.  
"I'm telling you now, just accept that she's going to marry Ryoga. If you must, hope they get bored with each other and get a divorce."  
Mrs. Hibiki's mental light bulb lit up.  
"You're a genius, dear!"  
"Really? I should stand up to you more often!"  
"I'll let them get bored!" She chuckled. The door opened and Nabiki came in, wearing a different color variation of the same outfit. This time she'd dared to match, and had covered her tie with a vest. Mrs. Hibiki would have to arrange her cloths for her from now on.  
"Darling, leave us." Mrs. Hibiki said. "This is girl business."  
Her husband sighed and left.  
Nabiki took her seat across from Mrs. Hibiki.  
Hibiki glared at the girl, and finally she sighed as if she gave up.  
"Why do you wear that?" Hibiki asked.  
"You told me to." Nabiki said calmly. "So I don't look like a whore."  
Hibiki sighed. "But why did you listen to me?"  
"What do you mean?" Nabiki asked.  
Hibiki frowned. "Ryoga loves you, you seem to love him, if you were serious about marriage you'd have eloped already."  
"The thought occured to me." Nabiki admitted.  
"You're seeking my approval, knowing full well you'll never get it. Why?"  
Nabiki laughed softly. "Because you're going to be my mother."  
"I warned you about calling me that."  
"I know." Nabiki shrugged. "Listen, my real mother is dead, the closest thing I've got is Kasumi. When I saw you I thought that maybe this would be my chance to have a mother . . . then you insulted me . . . but I still wanted to have a relationship with you." Nabiki began to cry. "I just want you to accept me!"  
They were both silent for a moment. Then "You're a terrible actress!" Hibiki laughed.  
"I had you going at first." Nabiki grinned wickedly.  
"The tears gave you away. Not many people can tear on command though."  
"It comes in handy when you want your father to buy you something. Or when you want to humiliate a particularly bad date." Nabiki smiled.  
"Listen . . . you can dress as you normally do, you can do as you wish . . . however, you are not allowed to marry Ryoga until you are both eighteen."  
"Great, now we cant have sex, *or* get married for another year."  
"You had sex."  
"Well yeah, but no one was supposed to know about that." Nabiki said.  
"Ryoga fled rather than meet with Yoshimi . . . I have decided that I will cancel his meting her . . . as well as their engagement." she lied.  
"Uh . . . good?" Nabiki offered.  
Hibiki smiled. "In a way I suppose. Well, let me warn you. You take good care of my son, or I'll hunt you down. And if I even suspect that you're cheating, I'll break your legs."  
"That sounds fair." Nabiki said simply. "Interfere any further, and I'll–"  
"I'll interfere as I see fit, if you don't like it, too bad!"  
"Darn."  
"You can go now." Hibiki said. "Go do something slutty."  
"Uh . . . okay, I'm leaving now . . . but I'm not going to do anything 'slutty'."  
"Yeah right." Hibiki laughed. Nabiki left, she waited, then laughed. "Hahaha! In one year? She'll be in college, getting knocked up by whom-have-you, and he will be here, begging to meet and meat Yoshimi! I'm invincible!"  
"Hi there!" Ranma said.  
"Oh no! You heard?"  
"Yes."  
"You want candy, don't you?"  
"No, I'm telling Nabiki. You're evil and wrong and Ryoga is not just an enemy, he's a rival, I owe it to him to help him out here."  
"Then help him. Don't help him. It's best if he doesn't wed Nabiki."  
"I wont argue there. Infact now that I think of it we should join forces and–"  
"Amnesia dust!"  
"Doh! Uh . . . hey! What am I doing here?"  
"You were just leaving." Mrs. Hibiki said.  
"Right. Uh . .. See ya."  
  
Some Months Later . . .  
Nabiki scowled bitterly, another night and still no word from Ryoga.  
Lotion had showed up a month ago saying that they had successfully killed the tree, but had been separated when the police tried to arrest them for assault of a national treasure.  
She'd let Ryoga navigate, somehow they'd ended up in the United States, and cut down the wrong tree . . . something called "Big Green" or "Huge Red" or something like that.  
So now, for all Nabiki knew Ryoga was stuck in some American prison. His parents had left after a while to look for him, and Lotion had agreed to search for him, but had never gotten around to leaving. Harume's ninja had waited around for Ryoga for a few days (After Ranma found him and pulled out the knives that were holding him to the wall.  
Nabiki had wanted Ryoga to come to her graduation, and now he'd missed it. She was going to murder him in cold blood when he showed up, then take him to the hospital, get him brought back to life, just so she could murder him a second time.  
It was summer now, and soon Nabiki would go to college, she really wished she could have shoved P-Chan into a little pet carrier and taken him along, but Ryoga hadn't come back, she wondered if he ever would . . .  
Then the doorbell rang, and rang, and rang.  
Nabiki scowled and got up to answer it. Probably one of the other house residents coming home drunk just to bug her. Luckily she had gotten her powers back, she'd send them packing after they emptied their wallets for her.  
But standing before her when she opened the door . . . was a differnt half wit . . .  
But you'll never know who it was, because the story ends here and now...  
The End  
  
Nabiki: End it properly!  
Ryoga: Who was at the door!?  
  
Ahem . . .  
"Hey, I was hoping this was the right place." Ryoga said with a weak smile. "I waited outside for twenty minutes."  
"Why?" Nabiki demanded. "I've been waiting for you for months, and you prolong it by twenty minutes?"  
"I wasn't sure if this was where I wanted to be." Ryoga said. "I've hugged a lot of martial artist' daughters, and wives thinking they were you. Got me into a lot of fights."  
"You're joking . . ." she said, but knew that was the sort of thing Ryoga would do. He'd rambled on to Kasumi, or her on occasion, with conversations meant for Akane or Ranma simply because they'd answered the door. He had a tendency to close his eyes before making what he felt was a dramatic statement.  
"Nabiki, I've got something for you!" Ryoga said excitedly.  
"What? A chocolate horse?" Nabiki scoffed.  
"Uh . . . actually . . . it is." Ryoga said, holding out a small box shaped like a small red barn, which was labeled as "chocolate barn yard animals", inside was a chocolate horse.  
"Wow . . . they do exist." Nabiki was surprised.  
"Yeah . . ." Ryoga nodded. "When I saw it, I had to get it for you."  
Nabiki laughed weakly. "You remembered. Well?" She asked.  
"Hmm?"  
"Are you going to come inside?"  
"Is Yoshimi here?"  
"No." Nabiki shrugged. "Kasumi said a couple guys showed up in a limousine, but I didn't even get to meet her. What's so bad about her?"  
"Nothing." Ryoga said with a dismissive wave, looking around several times before finally coming inside.  
"Then why couldn't you even meet with her?" Nabiki demanded.  
Ryoga sighed. "It was just easier to go to China to destroy a tree."  
"And not coming back for months?"  
"Months?" Ryoga frowned. "I thought I was gone for a couple weeks."  
"Are you kidding?" Nabiki demanded. For her every hour had been like a day, these months had been like a lifetime and he'd thought it just a couple of weeks?  
"No, really, I had no idea, I didn't count the days." Ryoga said. "I couldnt get back, the taxis said they couldn't make the trip."  
"Why not?"  
"I ended up in Canada." Ryoga said nervously. "I had to take on a job to make the money for the plane, but I never did manage to find my work, eventually, somehow I made it to Liverpool, though I didn't really ask them where that was, and then I found my way to Japan, and asked for directions to the Tendo Training Hall everywhere I went."  
Nabiki smiled weakly. Most girlfriends wouldn't believe that, she on the other hand had no problem. Even the people who knew Ryoga, might wonder how he got to Canada without noticing, but she felt it was best not to ask. "You're hopeless" was all she could say to him.  
"I know." He grinned. "What's happened while I was gone?"  
"Nothing much. Your parents went off to look for you. Lotion said she'd go search too . . . she just never got around to leaving. Shampoo tried to kill Akane with a pair of chopsticks, and Akane and Ranma are getting married."  
"That's always been." Ryoga noted.  
"Yes, but now they've set a date." Nabiki clarified.  
"We should get around to that some day. Well, I guess I'd better congratulate them . . . where are they?"  
"They aren't here. No one is home."  
"I had a feeling about that." Ryoga said.  
"Good or bad?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  
"I'm not sure." Ryoga said, he added "I was hoping we'd be alone, but then I also wanted to catch up and stuff."  
"Are you not attracted to me?" Nabiki demanded.  
"That's the first truely dumb thing you've said to my memory. I *am* rubbing off on you." Ryoga said evenly. "You're the most beautiful woman in the world."  
"Then why do I have to force you to sleep with me?"  
"I would sleep with you, but I don't plan on staying long."  
"You're leaving?" Nabiki demanded. "You just got here! You're confused."  
"Not as much as you'd think." Ryoga said simply.  
"Let me explain to you, how this is *supposed* to work. You come back after months away, making me wonder where you were, wondering if you were alright, and wondering if you were off dropping soap in American prison showers. By way of payment for missing several important events, my graduation, birthday, and of course simply because you had me worried sick, the laws of nature decree that we must have sex for exactly five hours."  
"You're like an addict. I wonder if there are programs for people like you." Ryoga frowned. "You were really worried about me?"  
"Of course. I need a pet to remind me of home when I get to college." Nabiki said simply.  
"You're allowed to have pets in college?"  
"Well I'm not sure." Nabiki admitted. "But even if pets aren't allowed, do you really think that would stop me?"  
Ryoga smiled, and said "No, I guess not."  
"Ryoga, why are you going?" Nabiki asked.  
"Lots of reasons." the young man shrugged. "I didn't want to deal with Yoshimi, okay? You don't know her, that girl is . . . she's just . . . wrong. Besides, Lotion was offering me a way out, and the possibility of adventure."  
"An adventure with another woman?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.  
"Relax, it wasn't that kind of an adventure." Ryoga chuckled.  
"Does part of you wish it were?"  
"Not really, between Lotion and Yoshimi the amazon is the lesser of two evils, still I really wouldn't want to be with either one romantically. It'd be one heck of a step down from *the* evil goddess of temptations, Nabiki Tendo."  
"Not many men would call me evil and expect me to be flattered." Nabiki said dryly. "What's even more interesting is how much I liked it when you called me that."  
Ryoga smiled. "We cant deny who we are, Nabiki. Anyway I think I'm used to wandering around. While I was out there I felt really, really good, like a caged animal set free."  
"So I'm a cage now, am I?" Nabiki demanded angrily.  
"No. I didn't mean it like that." Ryoga said softly. He paused. "Well . . . you're kind of a cage I guess. I nice cage, but a cage. You never let me go anywhere, it's depressing."  
"Then why did you even come back?" The middle Tendo sister scoffed.  
"I had to see you." Ryoga said. "I missed you, y'know?"  
Nabiki shook her head. "Okay." She said. "Alright, I've made up my mind."  
"Hmm?" Ryoga looked curious.  
"I'll go."  
"Go where?"  
"With you."  
"You don't know where I'm going." Ryoga said.  
"Ryoga-honey, I don't even think *you* know where you're going."  
"This is true." Ryoga said. "I have a general idea of where I want to be though."  
"And just think of how quickly you'll get there with me to navigate for you." Nabiki nodded. "Now you can take your cage with you, incase you get lonely." She said.  
"You sure about this? Life on the road is tough." Ryoga said.  
"Life in general is tough." Nabiki nodded.  
"I guess so." Ryoga said.  
"Yeah . . . can we have sex yet?"  
"Can we eat something first?"  
"You must be joking."  
"I'm hungry." The lost boy shrugged.  
"Figures." Nabiki frowned. "Well lets see if we can find anything with aphrodisiacs in it."  
Nabiki felt Ryoga's arms wrap around her waist, he pulled her close, she turned around, her cheeks burning. He pressed his lips against hers.  
"R-Ryoga!" Nabiki squeaked.  
"What?"  
"I thought you were hungry?"  
"I remembered you cant cook."  
"I can cook better than Akane!" Nabiki protested.  
"Oh. Okay then, let's eat first." Ryoga smiled.  
"Damn, I need to think before I speak." Nabiki smiled.  
  
The Next Day . . .  
Kasumi sighed. She didn't even want to read it.  
Every time she found a note, either some one had run away, or some one was missing, or some one wanted to try and kill Ranma. She paced back and forth, and then decided to ignore it.  
She went about her morning chores, but found she couldn't concentrate on making breakfast. Her mind kept drifting back to the note.  
"Alright." Kasumi said to herself at last. "Some one left a note, I might as well read it." She walked over to the door and snatched it. She looked it over.  
  
**To whom it may concern, I Nabiki Tendo, being of particularly sound mind and body have decided to spend the summer with my fiancee in Hawaii. I'm sure getting there will be half the fun, and only a third the charge.   
That said, do not to bother looking for your credit card, Daddy. Don't worry, we'll be responsible and only use it in an emergency. For the record, when I say 'emergeny' I mean whenever it's easier to find than cash. We'll be back before summer's end.  
With love, and your life's savings, Nabiki & Ryoga**  
  
Kasumi shook her head. "Father wont be happy about this." She decided.  
  
Turns out Soun was thrilled, he'd made a money bet with Harume over which girl Ryoga would marry. Tendo was keeping his fingers crossed that Ryoga's decision to elope with Nabiki would lead to eventually counting as victory. Kasumi wasn't sure that it was a fair bet, as none of them had yet met Yoshimi, but then she didn't really care anyway. So long as father wasn't suicidal, or homicidal, and didn't mind that Nabiki would more than likely use that credit card to it's limit before spending a single coin of her own money, then she was content.  
Content to have the strangest family in the world.  
Over the summer several strange new adventures occurred, but they are other stories entirely, and not at all vital to your knowledge. No need for you to know how Ranma solved world hunger and forgot how he'd done it, how Kasumi saved the world from aliens invading from space, how Akane mastered every form of martial arts in the world in one week for a bet, or how Colonge tried to use her army of giant pigs to conquer Nerima and force Ranma to marry Shampoo, only to be stopped by Happosai and his equally impressive army of giant sheep.  
  
The End . . .  
  
The Author wants to thank all those who reviewed the story (including flamers) and those who pointed out mistakes, errors, or otherwise contributed to making this story the incredibly, international success he believes it to be, in his twisted mind of evil. Now that you've read all 30 chapters, review them all! Let us (Us, meaning me, and my split personalities) know what you thought about each and every one!  
Just kidding! I remember how people felt about the other chapters before the story was taken down, and I appreciate their reviews, but I want to know how everyone feels about the ending . . . was it sad? Happy? Pathetic? Does it make you want . . . a sequel?  
  
Since there is no NEXT CHAPTER you get to feel the AFTERSHOCK!!!  
The Author will be interviewed by Mercedes the Giant German Shepherd Dog!  
  
Mercedes: ROWFF!  
Me: Hmm? Well yeah, of course this was fun. That's why I just had to repost it. If I get in trouble, big deal, who wants membership of a sight that not only doesnt allow your favorite fiction, but wont even tell you why they wont allow it?  
Mercedes: BARK!! BARK!!  
Me: Actually if I could turn back time I'd never have introduced Lotion. Other than that I regret nothing.  
Mercedes: ARFF?  
Me: Well of course I never let the readers "see" Yoshimi. Meeting up with her is a special treat saved for the sequel. You'll finally get to see what it is about her that scares Ryoga and her father so much.  
Mercedes: WWWHHHHOOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!  
Me: Actually Nabiki was supposed to get pregnant in the original draft, it would have also explain why she was so quick to agree to get hitched to Ryoga, however when it came to it I felt that it might seem as if I was trying to encourage teenage pregnancy, because I'd begun to plan a sequel, I simply made her . . . eh . . . un-pregnant I guess. She might get knocked up in the sequel though, I'm making no promises.  
Mercedes: ROOFFFFFF!  
Me: I admit, throwing my script away probably was a mistake. One I hope not to make with the sequel.  
Mercedes: ARRFFF!  
Me: Of course I cant give more detail about the sequel. Well . . . alright. (Deep breath) Basically it's the continuation of Charlotte's Web , that's why it's called a sequel, It kicks off after the summer, when Nabiki and Ryoga come back, and right away things get crazy with the introduction of Yoshimi, a startling announcement from Hand Lotion and Kasumi, Ryoga gets to fight a Moose (not Mousse, a Moose!), The Koruda School might just make an appearance at long last, and Nabiki goes to college (breathes in) and that's just the first chapter, but that's all that I have to say about THAT!! Except that there will be new characters, like an insane gun-obsessed killer who wants to put a bullet in Ranko's head to see if it'd make him feel better about himself, the evil Kaiser who wants to sell Nabiki on the white slave market after sucking up her delicious brain meats, and the fanatics who think Ryoga is the god of death. But I should really stop talking now.   
Mercedes: ARF?  
Me: No, Lotion may play an interesting role in part two, but I still regret introducing her. Not that she isnt apparently well tolerated, as far as OCs go she's my favorite out of my own creations (besides Mercedes) I simply dislike Original Characters in general. Besides Phil, he's cool.  
Mercedes: GGRRRRR  
Me: And you of course, you're the best Original Character I've ever invented.  
Mercedes: ARFF!  
Me: Yeah . . . the thought of a trilogy did occur to me, but lets try to get through this sequel and see how the readers feel after that. My hope is to make the chapters longer so readers have more to do while they wait for updates, and hopefully have more updates more often. But you know me, some times I'm all talk. I'm still hammering some problems out of another story that was supposed to get a sequel, and I canceled the conclusion of another story because one beta said it was incredibly offensive.  
Mercedes: RRROOOWWWWLLLL!!  
Me: Oh yeah. Well . . .  
Phil: Good fight, good night!  
Me: That's my line! (Shoots Phil) Ahem: Good night! Or morning! Or afternoon! To heck with it! Just go! 


End file.
